Movie summary – Page 2 – A Writer's Hail Mary Pass

[[After Batman demonstrates his chiropteran fetish extends even to parking spaces, the duo head out to respond to a crime in progress where Mr. Freeze is making short work of incompetent cops to steal a ginormous diamond]]

Gotham Museum of Plot Convenience:
Batman – Freeze, Freeze!

Freeze – Wow, I really hope the audience likes puns, because that’s just the start!

Robin – [[busts in on the Robin-cycle which leaves a Robin-sign shaped hole in the wall]] Too much talking! Action!

[[So Freeze’s goons skate in and Batman and Robin participate in the most ridiculous hockey game put to film to try to get the diamond; all the Bat-gadgets in the world and neither of them have a pocket?? Probably through some bad editing, Robin gets the diamond]]

Freeze – If you’re not going to play fair, I’m just going to turn my car into a rocketship and leave.

Robin – Wow, that’s really stupid. No one would do that.

[[Freeze does that and Batman follows to apprehend him but only gets captured; Robin goes after Batman anyway]]

Freeze – I’ll set this rocket to blow up and destroy half of Gotham while I jump out and safely glide down into the middle of Gotham…wait, what? Never mind. We’re five minutes into this thing and all logic and physics have already gone out the window, just like me! [[Jumps out]]

Robin – I’ll save you! [[Does so with a heat ray-gun that might possibly have been useful in the fight in the frozen museum… Also, where is he holding that diamond?]]

Batman – You stupid jerk! You’re supposed to secure the diamond while I get the bad guy!

Robin – We’ll you’re doing a bang-up job of that!

Batman – Whatever. We need to get out of here before we both die. I’ll just blow up this rocket so it doesn’t crash and destroy half of Gotham, which doesn’t make any sense anyway.

[[They snowboard out of the rocket, catch Freeze, and then land…somewhere… and run through some tunnels after Freeze?? The geography of Gotham City is very confused]]

Batman – We are assured victory as long as you don’t do something stupid.

Robin – Um, you mean like jump out in front of the ice gun and get myself frozen and allow Freeze to take the diamond from my outstretched hand?

Batman – Yeah, that would be something stupid.

[[Which Robin proceeds to do; incidentally, where was he holding that diamond on the trip down?]]

Freeze – I could kill you now, but I won’t, because that would end the movie too quickly.

[[The audience wouldn’t actually mind, but alas that does not happen and Batman thaws Robin with a heat laser that probably would have been really useful in the fight against Freeze and his frozen goons…]]

Cartoonishly Evil South American Lab:
Ivy – Personal log of Pamela Isley. My efforts to breed hybrids of plants and animals isn’t working, possibly because that’s completely scientifically impossible, but I’m going to keep trying anyway! Also, my creepy boss keeps stealing my venom samples for some super-secret project that involves people screaming in pain. I think I’ll go find out what he’s doing!

[[So the door to the super-secret lab isn’t even locked and the nerdy plant fanatic finds out her boss is creating super-soldiers and auctioning them off to the highest bidder; naturally when the experiment works and creates Bane, he busts up enough stuff to reveal Ivy’s hiding place]]

Woodrue – I knew I should have locked that door! Pamela, join me and we’ll be rich!

Ivy – I have absolutely no intuition or sense of self-preservation, so I’m going to expose your little scheme and get you fired!

Woodrue – And I’m going to kill you. [[pushes her into a whole bunch of toxic chemicals, plants, and snakes; the chemicals eat into the floor because clearly “toxic” means exactly the same thing as “corrosive”]]

Cartoonishly Evil South American Lab (Later):
[[The ground opens up again and the new and improved Pamela Isley pops out like a daisy]]

Woodrue – Whoa! That attempt to kill you actually made you totally hot!

Ivy – Yes, I know. Kiss me, you fool. [[he does, because he is]] Oooh, so sad. It turns out I’m now poisonous! [[he dies]] I will now somehow get Bane to work for me and I will destroy all humanity to save my beloved plants! And I will start by burning down this lab and killing all my beloved plants in here! And possibly a bunch of surrounding plants, since I am in the middle of a jungle full of plants!

Batcave:
Batman – So I acquired this security footage from a local university science lab that identifies the thief as ‘Victor Fries.’ His wife acquired the rare MacGuffin syndrome and he was researching a cure before he was victim to a terrible accident that could have easily been avoided if his lab was OSHA compliant with handrails and didn’t have giant vats of cryogenic fluids out in the open like that. Anyway, he survived but must be kept at sub-zero temperatures or he’ll die. His suit’s laser cooling system is obviously powered by diamonds.

Alfred – Sorry, sir, I was quietly coughing in the corner, so did I miss the sensible part of that explanation?

Batman – … Moving on, Dick, that was stupid.

Robin – Whatever. Don’t you have some hot chick to completely ignore at a fancy party?

Gotham Observatory Statue:
[[Bruce Wayne is hosting a fancy party to raise interest in his donation of a huge telescope and completely ignoring the hot chick hanging on his arm.]]

Clearly Poison Ivy in a Nerdy Disguise – Hey, Mr. Wayne!

Bruce – Yes, odd person whom the four police officers can’t seem to detain for no good reason?

Ivy – I have written a plan for Wayne Industries to stop killing Mother Earth and to save the planet.

Bruce – Um, this would result in the deaths of millions of people.

Ivy – I fail to see the problem.

Bruce – And for some reason I’m going to try to argue with the crazy lady by showing her an invitation to my exclusive party to rent the family jewels for a night, which is a pun the movie actually didn’t use. Go figure that.

Ivy – And I will walk away narrating my evil plan out loud. Good thing those four cops just vanished or I might have been arrested or something.

Mr. Freeze’s Blatantly Obvious Secret Hide-out:
Freeze – You idiots can’t sing! What do I keep you around for?

Frosty – To provide relevant plot information after you get done pining for your frozen wife you keep in the totally-not-secret cooler?

Freeze – Oh, right. And remember, the first person who makes fun of my fuzzy bunny slippers dies!

The Turkish Baths:
Raver Gang Leader – Hey, plant lady, this here is our secret hide-out. Do you know how much money we spent on black lights?

Ivy – Don’t know, don’t care. Bane, throw them out. [[Bane does so]] And now to make my garden grow…

Wayne Manor:
[[The doorbell rings and shockingly the aged Alfred doesn’t hop to and get the door, leaving Dick to have to answer it, where he sees Cher from Clueless (which is a far, far better movie than this)]]

Bruce – Alfred, you didn’t get the door? What’s wrong with you?

Alfred – Pardon my ominous coughing sir.

Dick – Hey, you’re cute. Who are you?

Barbara Gordon – I’m like totally Alfred’s niece! I’m from London, which is totally obvious by my British accent. OMG, there’s Uncle Alfred!

Bruce – Um, why didn’t you tell me you had any family of any kind?

Alfred – It didn’t seem important. I didn’t know she was going to ever show up here. Is it alright if she stays? I promise she won’t get into any trouble.

Bruce – Just keep her out of the basement if you know what I mean.

Dick – So do you have any hobbies or anything you like to do that I can maybe do with you?

Barbara – No, I’m like totally boring and stuff. So you don’t have to like, worry about me or anything.

Gotham Observatory Statue:
[[So the guy who stole any pictures of him in the first movie is now doing public appearances in this one… Anyway, the whole auction is very weirdly staged and involves bidding on some women in flower-themed dresses that get to wear the diamonds or something; it’s really not explained very well. Luckily Poison Ivy shows up and does a strip tease to make things interesting]]

Ivy – Pay no attention to the pink special effect dust I’m blowing into your faces.

Duped Duo – What? Your leotard is sparkly.

Ivy – I’m going to goad you two into fighting over me for reasons that aren’t adequately explained.

[[So they get into a bidding war that ends with, I kid you not, Batman pulling out a Bat-credit card]]

Audience – *facepalm*

[[Unfortunately for Ivy, Freeze decides to steal the diamond and busts up the party]]

Freeze – Second verse, same as the first, a little bit louder and a little worse!

[[Ivy’s pink dust doesn’t work on Freeze and he escapes but the determined duo chase after him; for some reason the city is full of giant statues that make traffic a nightmare]]

Freeze – I’ll just set my ice gun to the “instant metal fatigue” setting, and this will be smooth sailing. Assuming I can make that jump, of course.

Batman – Robin, you can’t make that jump.

Robin – Yes, I can!

Batman – It’s not safe! I’m shutting down the Robin-cycle! Even though that will leave you skidding out of control to the edge of this statue, which is surely much safer than letting you try that jump.

[[Eventually Freeze is captured by Batman although all we see of the fight is a wide-eyed, unmoving Freeze and Batman standing over him like a gymnast who just stuck the landing; in other news, Alfred is being cryptic and Barbara is sneaking out at night and stealing a motorcycle, which only Dick picks up on]]

Arkham Asylum (Which is Apparently Located in Mordor…):
[[Freeze is wheeled into his cell in a fridge; laugh, damn you!]]

Freeze – Allow me to say some dialogue that makes no sense except to shove in yet another pun and then attempt to kill you. [[This does not work]]

Guard 1 – Ha ha, loser! Only that blue spotlight shining down on the bed is cold enough to keep you from dying.

Guard 2 – Because physics totally works that way!

Wayne Manor:
Dick – You suck! I hate you!

Bruce – I know better than you do, so deal with it.

Alfred – Pay no attention to me as I totter around and cough ominously.

Arkham Asylum:
Guard 1 – So, is it really a good idea for us to be in this cell with Mr. Freeze? I mean, I know he can’t get out of the blue spotlight, but why is it necessary for us to actually be inside with him?

Guard 2 – To guard the door, of course. I mean, the cell can totally be opened from the inside.

Guard 1 – That-that seems like a very poor design.

Ivy – Can I come in? I’m his sister.

Guard 2 – That sounds totally convincing to me. [[Lets her in]]

Ivy – You two are way too stupid to live, so I’ll just kill you. [[She does so]] Here’s the pitch: I’m springing you so we can destroy Batman and Robin and maybe take over Gotham City.

Freeze – Okay. So how do we get out?

Ivy – My brainless mook is stealing your cold suit and will bust in, give it to you, and then we bust out.

Freeze – Yes, how do we bust out? There are a lot of guards, you know. And we’re several stories up.

Ivy – Um.

Freeze – You didn’t have a plan to get out? This is some rescue!

Ivy – Hey, here comes Bane!

[[One more cold-related pun later and the painful punning pair plus one manage to escape the Tower of Sauron, I mean, Arkham Asylum]]

Mr. Freeze’s Blatantly Obvious Secret Hide-out:
Robin – Hey, there’s a totally not hidden door behind the cooler. [[They find Mrs. Freeze]]

Batman – According to this research conveniently lying around, it seems Mr. Freeze actually cured Stage 1 of MacGuffin’s syndrome. Unfortunately, his wife has Stage 4.

[[Freeze and Ivy watch from a grate that shouldn’t even be in the floor]]

Freeze – Curses! How did Batman and Robin find my secret hide-out? No time to worry about that because I need to get my wife!

Ivy – You’re married? I didn’t know! How dare you not tell me! Because even though I’m supposed to be a femme fatale who only uses men, I am apparently jealous of some other woman. Anyway, you get the diamonds you need for your suit and I’ll get your wife!

Freeze – I’m sure that won’t backfire in any way.

[[Ivy blows more pink special effect dust at the dim-witted duo and gets them fighting again; this results in Robin getting dumped in a bunch of thick, slimy green goo and Ivy pulling the plug on Mrs. Freeze]]

Commissioner Gordon – How did the villains get away? Isn’t that your job? I mean, I suppose technically as the police we should do something, but this is still your fault.

Robin – This is all your fault! I’m breaking up the band and starting my solo career!

Wayne Manor:
[[Well, Dick doesn’t have anywhere else to live, but he does have time to spy on Barbara, who again sneaks out and steals a motorcycle; Dick follows her to the seedy underworld of off-track motorcycle racing]]

The Seedy Underworld of Off-Track Motorcycle Racing:
Barbara – Like, here’s your money. Let me in the race.

Coolio – Sure thing. Can you believe they got me to do a cameo in this movie and didn’t give me a part working for Mr. Freeze?

Random Evil Racer – I’m sick of you winning. I’m going to make sure you lose tonight.

Barbara – Wow, that like sounds totally threatening or something!

[[So the racers, representing such street gangs as the Ziggy Stardusts, the Kubricks, the Sweet Transvestites, and of course the Stereotypical Bikers, line up at the start line as well as Dick who apparently didn’t have to pay anyone to get in; naturally the Random Evil Racer tries to kill Barbara and they all race heedlessly to an unfinished bridge for reasons that aren’t explained but allow Dick to somehow save Barbara’s life]]

Wayne Manor:
Dick – So what was that all about?

Barbara – I’m like totally tired of seeing Uncle Alfred be like a servant to you. I mean, he’s totally old! So I’ve been doing this illegal street racing stuff to earn some money to help him like retire. You know, before he dies. Because he’s sick, not because he’s old. I mean, he’s old, but he’s sick too. So anyway, I’m helping! [[leaves]]

Dick – [[spots Bruce, who presumably overheard the conversation]] Is that true? Alfred’s dying of some mysterious illness?

Bruce – Yes. He has MacGuffin’s syndrome.

Dick – If you knew he was dying, why have you been such a jerk to him for not being up to his usual standard of, um, butlering?

Bruce – I’m kind of a dick, apparently.

Poison Ivy’s Secret Hide-out (formerly the Turkish Baths):
Freeze – Where’s my wife?

Ivy – Batman and Robin killed her. You should get revenge and take over the world!

Freeze – Of course!

Ivy – And once you’ve killed everyone with ice, I’ll cover the world with plants and no humans will ever trouble us again! But first, to finish off Batman and Robin!

Batcave:
Bruce – Dick, where are you going?

Robin – I actually got a Robin-signal in the sky! It’s Ivy. She totally loves me and I’m going to see her!

Bruce – You do realize all that pink special effect dust she’s been blowing into our faces is a kind of pheromone that makes us think we’re in love with her and that she’s in love with us.

Robin – That’s stupid. She’s totally in love with me, and not you.

Bruce – Will you just trust me?

Robin – Why? You haven’t trusted me once this whole movie.

Bruce – That is a really good point I’m going to ignore.

Wayne Manor:
Barbara – I know Uncle Alfred told me to give this CD to his brother, but I’m like totally family too so I going to see what’s on it. Oh, it’s password protected. Well, after an unlimited number of tries I’ll just pick the most obvious password and see if that works. Hey, it does. Cool.

[[Barbara heads on down to the Batcave where Alfred Headroom tells her he’s already got her very own anatomically correct suit waiting; which apparently Bruce was totally clueless about; Great Detective indeed]]

Poison Ivy’s Secret Hide-out:
Robin – Hi, honey, I’m home!

Ivy – Kiss me, you fool!

Robin – Wait, tell me the plan.

Ivy – Sure. Mr. Freeze is going to use the telescope at the observatory to somehow freeze Gotham City. He’s on his way there now. You’ll never stop him. Kiss me, you fool! [[he does, because he is]] Hahahahahaha!!! Now you will die!

Robin – Nope, I’m protected. I wore a rubber… pair of lips.

Ivy – Damn it! Well, then you can drown in my Lily Pond of Doom! [[The rather slim and fragile looking Ivy manages to shove the expert fighter and well-trained athlete into the pool]]

Batman – Not so fast!

Ivy – My vines of doom will take care of you!

[[And so the pathetic pair are foiled by foliage and bad editing until finally Batgirl makes her dynamic debut]]

Batgirl – Pick on someone your own gender who can actually hit back! And also say something damning that will come back to haunt you later!

Ivy – Bring it! And I was the one who killed Mrs. Freeze!

[[The fight isn’t that interesting and finally ends when Batgirl kicks Ivy into her giant orchid which for some reason decides to eat her even though she was sitting comfortably in that very same orchid earlier in the scene; Batman finally cuts his through his vines with a Bat-buzzsaw cuff and Robin gets out of the water]]

Batman – Who the hell are you?

Batgirl – Barbara, duh.

Robin – Yeah, that’s pretty obvious. Well, we better go stop Mr. Freeze! And we should do so as quickly as possible.

Gotham Observatory Statue:
Batgirl – Um, why did we all go back to the Batcave to change into these new suits? Aren’t we in a hurry?

Batman – Just go with it.

[[In the meantime, Freeze has managed to turn the telescope into a freeze-ray gun because all the equipment fits together perfectly of course]]

Batman – Okay, here’s the plan! Get rid of Freeze and use technobabble to thaw the city before everyone dies.

Freeze – I object to that plan!

Bane – Rawr! <I also object to that plan although there is no reason given as to why I’m working with Mr. Freeze instead of Poison ivy.>

[[The tiresome trio manage to dispatch Freeze and Bane; Batgirl primarily uses the technobabble to save the day while the other two watch.]]

Batman – Freeze, I know you’re slowly warming up and dying and that this must be excruciatingly painful for you, but I know you cured Stage 1 of MacGuffin’s Syndrome. Can you please give me the cure so I can save someone?

Freeze – You killed my wife! No!

Batman – Actually, I have this damning footage of Poison Ivy confessing she killed your wife. And she didn’t actually kill her. We apparently saved her off-screen.

Freeze – Oh, okay then. I happen to keep the cure on me at all times. Insert one more lame pun here.

[[And Freeze is returned to Arkham Asylum this time with his suit and sharing a cell with Poison Ivy even though that makes no sense any level, even for this movie!]]

Wayne Manor:
[And Bruce just gives Alfred the glowing blue stuff with no analysis or question but it does seem to work and Alfred is cured, although still very very old]]

Bruce – You go back to school young lady.

Barbara – No.

Bruce – Okay, it’s not like you need to graduate high school or college or anything like that. Now, one more awesome action shot to end the movie!

[[Action shot of the three running away from the Batsignal because it’s awesome, apparently]]

-fade out-

Audience – AAAARGGGHH!!

Fifteen Minute Movie – The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

or, “Tales of Middle-Earth, Part 2 of 3, With Some More Stuff Concerning a Hobbit and a Lot More Filler Which This Time is Clearly Entire Subplots Re-mixed from the ‘Lord of the Rings’ Trilogy”

Bree (Flashback):
Thorin – Wait, why is this movie starting in Bree of all places?

Gandalf – Just go with it. So, I know who you are and that someone is trying to kill you before you reclaim Erebor and kill that dragon. But don’t worry; I can help!

The Carrock Area (the present):
[[Thorin and Co are still running from Azog and his orcish band; hey, at least they aren’t walking]]

Bilbo – There’s a great big scary bear out there too!

Gandalf – Oh, that’s Beorn. Our only chance is to lock ourselves in his house and hope he doesn’t kill us.

Thorin – I’m so glad you’re helping, Gandalf.

Beorn’s House:
Beorn – You guys broke into my house and locked me out. I should kill you, but instead I’ll provide some exposition about the wood elves.

Thorin – Oh, well, that’s…nice.

Beorn – I’m also giving you supplies so you get the hell out of here as quickly as possible.

Thorin – I’m okay with that.

Gate to Mirkwood:
Gandalf – Okay, everyone, turn the ponies loose and I’ll lead you through the dangerous forest.

Galadriel (telepathically) – You need to go investigate some tombs for reasons vaguely relating to confirming the true identity of the necromancer. You need to go right now!

Gandalf – Okay, sorry everyone, change of plans. I’ve got a thing and you’ll have to get through the forest yourselves, but I’ll meet you later.

Thorin – What!?

Gandalf – Anyway, don’t stray from the path.

Bilbo – Wait, I have something to tell you.

Gandalf – Okay.

Bilbo – Um, good luck!

Gandalf – And I critically failed my perception and sense motive checks again, so I assume everything is fine. Also, do not go into the mountain without me. I want those XPs for killing the dragon.

[[In less time than it takes to run to the restroom and back, the dwarves completely lose the path and start hallucinating and end up captured by giant spiders]]

Bilbo – It is really lucky I was able to cut myself free despite being entirely wrapped up in webs and much less strong than a dwarf. [[puts on the ring and frees the dwarves]] It’s also really lucky these webs are so thick that the dwarves slowly drift to the ground instead of falling to their doom. [[then Bilbo drops the ring and freaks out until he gets it back]] Oh, wow, so that was, um, totally weird. I’m starting to think there’s something wrong with this thing. Well, better get back to Thorin and Co.

Thorin and Co – ARGH! Too many spiders!!!

Legolas – I’ll save you!

Thorin – Um, what? I’m pretty sure you’re not in the book this movie is based on.

Kili – The hot elf chick sure as hell isn’t in the book either but I really don’t mind, so you be quiet, okay?

Bilbo (who is hidden) – Oh, so the young dark-haired one is Kili! That means the young blonde is Fili. I’m going to make a note of that.

Thorin – Yeah, fine, I hate all elves so what do I care if there’s an overt effort to establish continuity the “LotR” trilogy?

Legolas – Well, I hate all dwarves and I think you’re thieves so move it, losers!

Bilbo (invisible) – Wait for meeeee!

Wooden King’s Hall:
[[The dwarves are disarmed, which takes quite a lot of time]]

Random Dwarf – Is anyone else reminded of that scene in The Two Towers before Aragorn and crew are allowed in to see King Theoden? Just me? Huh.

Legolas – Dude, this is one ugly big dog. And that’s an ugly little dog!

Other Random Dwarf – That’s my wife! And my son, Gimli! Hey! Wait! I have a name! I’m Gloin, and that’s my family, you elfy prick!

Bilbo (invisible) – Gloin. Right. And the old dwarf is now certainly Balin. I’ll get all their names by the end of this movie for certain!

Legolas – Whatever. It’s not as though I’ll ever like dwarves in any way, much less befriend one and bridge the centuries of distrust between our two peoples. But you can keep the pictures of the dogs.

Kili – Hey, hot red-headed elf chick, I might have a dagger down my pants if you know what I mean.

Tauriel – Probably a really tiny dagger.

Kili – Harsh.

Tauriel – But I think you’re kind of cute anyway.

Kili – I am. Also, I’m not a stuck-up, jerky elf like Blondie over there, who is totally stalking you.

Legolas – I am not! There is a very important reason I am up here staring at Tauriel talking to a prisoner!

Wooden King’s Throne:
Thranduil – So you want Erebor back, right? Specifically, you’re going to the Lonely Mountain to steal the Arkenstone.

Thorin – Dude, you are creeping me out. It’s like you’re reading my thoughts, and you’re really up close in my personal space.

Thranduil – Yeah, not sorry… So here’s the deal. I’ll let you go on your way to the Lonely Mountain if you bring me back some lovely white gems that belong to me anyway. What do you say?

Thorin – You remember in the first movie when you showed up with a big army for reasons that still won’t be explained and completely failed to help us fight the dragon in any way? Yeah, you can [untranslatable]!

Thranduil – Stupid dwarf! Do you think I don’t know a thing or two about facing dragons?

Thorin – Um, yes? Um, also, your magic slipped there for a second and you look like Harvey Dent under that elfy glamour trick. The answer is still no and you’re about maxing out my creep-o-meter here.

Thranduil – You’re the only one to notice. Anyway, you go back to your cell and rot while I break Tauriel’s heart by telling her there’s no way she can marry my son and shouldn’t begin to give him the least impression they can possibly be together.

Thorin – Look, I know I’m biased against elves, but you guys are really being jerks.

Scary Tombs:
Radagast – Gandalf, why are we here?

Gandalf – To check out these tombs.

Radagast – No, I mean, why are we here, in this movie, in this scene? I’m not even in this book! You left the dwarves and don’t join up with them until the finale. Why are we spending screen time on this? There are lots of ways to let the audience know the necromancer is really Sauron without padding out a pointless subplot. I mean, isn’t this movie about the hobbit?

Gandalf – Um, oh, that’s a Ringwraith tomb! And you should wash your face! Next scene!

Wooden King’s Hall:
[[Kili and Tauriel bond/flirt some more]]

Random Dwarf – So is anyone else reminded of Gimli’s clumsy but instant infatuation with Galadriel in The Fellowship of the Ring? Just me? Huh.

Balin – Thorin, you told the king to do what with his what!? Great. Now we’re doomed.

Bilbo – I’ve got the keys! And a plan! So follow me and please be quiet.

Wooden King’s Cellar:
Bilbo – Okay, you get in the barrels, I dump you out in the river, you try not to drown, and hopefully we’ll all make it out of here alive.

Thorin – That is a terrible plan!

Bilbo – I only had like, an hour, to figure this out, so it’s this or back to your cells before the guards wake up from their drunken stupor.

Thorin – Okay, people, into the barrels. Move it, move it!

[[After a bit of a false start, everyone is riding down the Totally Unsuitable for Transporting Goods River’s rapids ‘o fun time in barrels! You can almost hear the video game background music. The dwarves are almost thwarted by a closed gate but luckily Azog and the orcs attack! Because someone as paranoid as Thranduil has been shown to be totally would not notice a huge band of orcs sneaking up on his back door. Legolas and Tauriel take out orcs while Kili gets shot but ultimately allows Thorin and Co to escape down the raging river.]]

Wooden King’s Throne:
Legolas – Okay, orc thing, better starting talking, and it had better be relevant to the plot or we’ll kill you.

Orc – That dwarf is going to die because the arrow was a Morgul arrow, you know, like how Frodo was stabbed with a Morgul blade in Fellowship of the Ring.

Tauriel – Oh, hey, um, I have a thing. Laters. [[she leaves]]

Legolas – Okay, how plot information we elves actually care about?

Orc – Um, okay, well, war is coming to Middle-Earth lead by a great evil…

[[Thranduil abruptly beheads the orc.]]

Legolas – Daaaaaad! What did you do that for? That seemed relevant! Maybe even ominous and foreboding!

Thranduil – It’s nothing you need to worry about. Everything is just fine. I’m also ordering the city be sealed and no one be allowed to enter or leave because everything is just fine here.

[[Naturally Tauriel has already left when the order is given but Legolas follows her; Azog is also summoned by his Master to leave the hunt for Thorin, but assigns his trusted lieutenant the task instead]]

River Bank:
Thorin – I maintain that was a terrible plan!

Bilbo – Hey, you’re out and alive, aren’t you?

Bard – For now, anyway.

Balin – Um, you’re human, yes? And you have a boat? Here’s the deal. We’ll pay you money to get us to Laketown.

Random Dwarf – Wait, the elves left us our money? I’m not sure that makes any sense.

Bard – Yeah, it looks like there was a battle in these barrels, so I’m thinking not.

Balin – We’ll pay you double.

Bard – I’m thinking you guys should hustle onto my boat!

[[Bard navigates through the ruins of Dale (presumably) although this makes no sense as Dale was at the end of the lake near the mountain and Laketown was built far away from the mountain; after suffering numerous indignities, Thorin and Co are finally safe in Bard’s house]]

Laketown:
Bard – We’re not safe, though. The Master is being manipulated by a toady in a fashion similar to Wormtongue’s manipulation of King Theoden in The Two Towers.

Thorin – Hey, a really cool dwarf weapon is on the Master’s house. This is the perfect opportunity for some back story about how the last Master of Dale tried to kill the dragon with the black arrows but missed every time. You know, if that bumbling human had been a better shot, he could have saved everyone.

Bard – So some poor human is solely responsible for the coming of the dragon, collapse of your kingdom, and the destruction of Dale because clearly any idiot should be able to slay a dragon with no problem. Right.

Thorin – Your scathing and accurate rebuttal is of no interest to me. So, get us some weapons and we’ll get moving. We don’t have any time.

Bilbo – Um, what? I thought we didn’t know when Durin’s Day was.

Balin – We do now, I guess.

[[The weapons’ raid is unsuccessful and the dwarves are forced to explain themselves to the Master; Bard has finally done some research on his guests and isn’t happy]]

Bard – They’ll wake the dragon and get us all killed!

Thorin – Um, if we get our kingdom back, we’ll pay lots of money!

Master – Well, that convinces me! Give them supplies and let the gold start flowing in! Bard, you’re just upset it was your ancestor that screwed up!

Bard – Hey! He broke the dragon’s armor! He just needed one more shot, that’s all! I’ll fix this weakness of my family the same way Aragorn fixed his in The Return of the King!

Dol Guldur:
Radagast – I still don’t think we need to be here.

Gandalf – Look, I’m sure it’s a trap, but we have to confront the necromancer.

Radagast – No, I mean I don’t think we need to be in the movie right now. I feel like I’m getting almost as much screen time as the hobbit!

Gandalf – Then go get Galadriel while I do something stupid, okay?

Laketown:
Thorin – Kili, you’re injured so you stay here with, um, we’ll call him Doc. Yes, you stay here with Doc.

Bilbo – Do you even know all their names?

Random Dwarf – Doesn’t anyone think this is like we’re splitting the party similar to the breaking of the fellowship? Just me? Huh.

Fili – Uncle, I’m staying here with Kili.

Bilbo – Oh, so Kili and Fili are Thorin’s nephews, which I guess makes them princes too. That seems like relevant information we should have gotten sooner.

Thorin – Whatever. We can’t wait any longer. Let’s go.

Crazy Hat Dwarf Who is Bifur Probably – I overslept! Wait for me! Or, you know, not. Well, this sucks.

Kili – Argh! And I think I’m dying from this arrow-wound!

Bard – And I got arrested and thrown in a cell for no good reason at all!

Lonely Mountain:
Thorin – Where the hell is that damn door?

Bilbo – Um, maybe near the head of that giant and totally unsuspicious dwarf statue that appears to have a staircase carved into his robe?

Balin – Oh, right, yep, that’s the way.

Bilbo – Wait, what? I was kidding! How can you possibly consider the door hidden when it’s next to something so conspicuous?

Balin – It’s just the door that’s hidden, not the path to the door.

Bilbo – *facepalm*

[[The dwarves get up the staircase but can’t find the door and Thorin is easily disheartened, drops the key, and they all leave; luckily Bilbo is made of sterner stuff and sticks around for five more minutes and finds the keyhole and they get the door open]]

Laketown:
Doc – Kili is dying! Bard’s children, find us some kingsfoil!

Bard’s Son – What, you mean that weed that was so important to healing Frodo in Fellowship of the Ring after he got stabbed by the Morgul blade?

Doc – Yes!

Orc 1 – How about we kill you instead?

Crazy Hat Dwarf Who is Bifur Probably – How about no?

[[The kids scream and the dwarves do their best to fight]]

Orc 2 – Yay! Terrorizing children! This is the best day evar!

Tauriel – Not anymore, scum! [[she and Legolas proceed to dispatch all the orcs in the tiny hut]]

Legolas – Come on, we need to hunt them all down and find out what’s really going on! I mean, even if Thorin is who he says he is, it is just crazy for these orcs to invade my kingdom, invade this little town, and continue to pursue them so doggedly.

Tauriel – I can’t go with you.

Legolas – What? Why not?

Tauriel – I came here to help the dwarf, and I will do so by healing him in a fashion that is very similar to what Arwen did for Frodo in Fellowship of the Ring.

[[Legolas has a pointless fight with the orcs and ends up tearing after the trusted lieutenant while Tauriel does in fact help heal Kili]]

Dol Guldur:
Gandalf – Come out come out wherever you are!

Necromancer – Boo!

Gandalf – GAH! Okay, I didn’t actually expect you would do that. Well, let’s fight! [[So they fight in a pointless battle that strongly resembles Gandalf’s fight with the Balrog mashed up with his fight with Saruman that he totally loses. Boy, I’m also so glad he’s helping Thorin and Co.]]

Lonely Mountain:
Balin – Here’s the plan. You are going to steal one fantastic gem called the Arkenstone. We’ll then go to the other dwarf kingdoms and Thorin will use the Arkenstone to prove his claim to the throne. Once we have a real dwarf army, we’ll come back here and slay the dragon, assuming he’s not dead of course.

Bilbo – That… that’s actually a good plan! I understand why you needed a burglar. Get the stone, don’t wake the dragon, and kill the dragon with an army! Wow, and here I thought your whole plan was, “he’s probably dead.”

Balin – Nope. We are more clever than that. Just don’t wake the dragon.

Bilbo – Wait, what does this Arkenstone look like?

Balin – It’s a large white gem that you will know when you see it.

Bilbo – [[He goes down into the mountain]] Well, okay, a large white gem. How hard can this be to find? [[He sees acres and acres of lovingly rendered CG gold and gems that would put Scrooge McDuck’s moneybin to shame]] Well, I hope those dwarves aren’t in a hurry. This would take a while even if I knew exactly what I was looking for. Well, at least I don’t see any dragon. [[He searches for a bit until the goldslide reveals a very large eyeball that blinks]] @#$& me! [[puts on ring]]

Smaug – Hello, thief. Do you think I can’t hear you and smell you and sense that evil you wear on your person? Let’s chat, ‘kay?

Bilbo – [[takes off ring]] Well, since you found me anyway, I might as well not be invisible.

Smaug – So why are you here?

Bilbo – To see you, o great Smaug. Really, it’s the same reason the entire audience is here – to see the dragon.

Smaug – What do you think?

Bilbo – You are an even more beautifully rendered CGI than the gold. You are the best dragon I have ever seen put to film. You are absolutely magnificent. I have no complaints whatsoever about your appearance and you are now the gold standard for dragons on-screen. [[sees large white gem scintillating with rainbow colors in the gold and edges towards it]] Truly, you were worth the price of admission.

Smaug – Why, thank you! By the way, you aren’t trying to steal the Arkenstone for Thorin Oakenshield, are you?

Bilbo – Um, no.

Smaug – I could let you since all this wealth will drive him mad just as it did his father and grandfather, or I just destroy you and all the dwarves. What do you think? Thief? Thief? Hey!

[[Bilbo runs for his life]]

Thorin – Bilbo, we felt the earthquake. What’s going on?

Bilbo – What do you think you crazy dwarf? Smaug is very much alive, very much awake, and very much determined to eat us! So let’s go!

Thorin – Did you get the Arkenstone?

Bilbo – What? Are you really asking me about that gem when I just told you Smaug is awake? The dragon is coming to kill us. Priorities!

Thorin – My priority is that gem! Give it to me!

Bilbo – You go get it! I’m outta here!

Smaug – Oh no you don’t!

Thorin – Damn, we’ll have to kill him ourselves!

Bilbo – That sounds pretty impossible but sure, let’s go for it!

[[Thorin improvises a pretty good plan that involves the massive forges of Erebor, plenty of water, and enough molten gold to wreck several world economies; sadly, even attempting to drown/smother/burn Smaug with molten gold does not work and only makes him angry]]

Smaug – That’s it! New plan! I’m going to kill everyone in Laketown because they clearly helped you, and then I’m going to come back and kill every single one of you!

Bilbo – This is just great! No XP for killing the dragon, and I still didn’t figure out all the dwarves’ names!

–fade-out–

Fifteen-minute Movie – Street Fighter

or, “So it’s Like Mortal Kombat: Annihilation Except Without the Only Merits of Lots of Fight Scenes and a Kick-ass Soundtrack”

Shadaloo (Really? “Shadaloo?” That Sounds Like a Theme Park):
Chun-Li Exposition – I’m reporting from the embattled nation of Shadaloo, where the evil manical dictator General M. Bison has kidnapped several aid workers and the Allied Nation soldiers guarding them. And I can’t emphasize this enough, M. Bison is absolutely evil and must be stopped. Colonel Guile, how are you going to stop this madman?

Guile – By generally be a dick to you and stealing your microphone. Hey, Bison, I know you’re listening to me.

Crazy Town (M. Bison’s Lair):
M. Bison – [[ceases casually killing soldiers to pay attention to the dozens of television screens]] Yes?

Guile (on TV) – You’re a coward for taking innocent people hostage and killing soldiers. I’ll stop you!

M. Bison – Cut into the feed, Dee Jay. [[Dee Jay does so]] Listen, Colonel Guile, I’m going to kill the hostages in 72 hours if I’m not paid a ridiculous sum of money. What do you say to that?

Guile – You’re a madman and I will stop you! And Charlie, if you’re there, hang on Charlie! I am in no way making your situation worse by pointing out I care for you! [[ends broadcast]]

M. Bison – Well, well, who’s Charlie? Maybe you, the fellow I was just going to kill? Hm, ‘Carlos Blanka.’ While Carlos is a Spanish version of Charles, it seems a stretch to call you ‘Charlie.’ Still, Guile isn’t very bright and this is to remind us that Blanka is in fact supposed to be from Brazil. So, in short…

Audience – Too late.

M. Bison – It’s lucky I just didn’t kill you like I did everyone else and now I’m going to perform inhumane and terrible experiments on you instead! Isn’t that nice?

Shadaloo Black Market:
[[a skinny white dude and Asian dude walk into an illegal cage fighting ring where they witness Vega take down a guy in a fight that’s not very impressive; we are not told their names until later but apparently are supposed to know who these guys are, so I’ll use their names]]

Sagat – So, do you have the merchandise?

Ken – If you have the money…

Ryu – Then we have the merchandise. Hand us the money and we’ll leave your establishment and then tell you via walkie-talkie where your merchandise is.

Sagat – No. I already got the weapons, see? [[A flurry of nerf-like balls later…]] What the hell?

Ryu – If you let us take the money, we’ll still tell you where the weapons are.

Sagat – No, now you’ve made me angry! I’m just going to have you killed in my illegal fighting arena instead.

Ken – How do you make money then?

[[Ryu is eventually shoved in the ring with Vega and much posturing and posing takes place until at last it seems the audience will finally be treated some street fightin’ action when a tank rolls into the arena!]]

Guile – I am so spoiling all your fun.

Ryu – Yeah, because why would anyone want to see me fight Vega, or, you know, any fight in a movie called “Street Fighter?”

Funny Farm (M. Bison’s Lair):
M. Bison – Doctor, how is the experiment going?

Dhalsim – He’s being subjected to brainwashing by being forced to watch these horrible images and he’s been injected with super-steroids to increase his muscle mass.

M. Bison – Horrible images? You’re just showing him scenes of torture and Nazis. That’s supposed to be horrible?

Dhalsim – Well, he’s not a psychopath, so yes.

M. Bison – They keep calling me mad. I’m not mad. I merely wish to take over the world and rule it with my benevolent but firm hand. I don’t see why that’s so hard to understand, or why that makes me a psychopath.

Dhalsim – And no one is surprised by that.

A.N. Base:
Guile – Okay, someone provide some exposition on the detainees.

Cammy – Well, you arrested the notorious weapons dealer Sagat and his loyal cage fighter Vega, along with two hustlers named Ken and Ryu, and a whole bunch of other people who don’t matter at all.

[[Sagat and Vega try to kill Ken and Ryu and the fight is busted up before anything remotely interesting can happen]]

Guile – Maybe I can use this information to get at M. Bison. Ken, Ryu, I need you two to infiltrate M. Bison’s operation and help me locate the hostages. I’m hoping seeing these poor, injured refugees will guilt you into doing this out of the goodness of your hearts.

Ken – Um, yeah, no.

Guile – Do it and survive, and I’ll get you papers back to the States.

Ryu – You should have said so in the first place.

Chun-Li (in her news van) – Okay, something interesting might happen any minute, Balrog and Honda. Make sure you pay attention.

[[The A.N. soldiers load up the prisoners on a truck and Ken and Ryu get keys to the chains]]

Sagat – Hey, Ken, Ryu, old buddies old pals, what you do say you help an old friend out, huh?

Ken – Yeah, sure, why not?

[[Ken, Ryu, Sagat, and Vega stage a prison break and end up commandeering the truck and shooting Guile during their escape; Chun-Li sticks a tracker of some sort on their vehicle before they go]]

Cammy – Oh, no, Colonel Guile is dead! This is in no way obviously contrived!

A.N. Base, Later:
Chun-Li – Something is interfering with my tracker so I’m going to track it down by following this signal coming from the base’s… morgue? Well, that’s weird. It looks like the A.N. forces also have a tracking device on the escaped truck.

Guile – Insert witty one-liner here.

Chun-Li – Oh, so today’s little show was all a set up and you’ve got some inside guys in that prison convoy.

Guile – You are very smart. Now I’m going to have you arrested.

Chun-Li – No! I have to be the one to kill M. Bison!

Guile – Yeah, I don’t care.

[[Chun-Li escapes custody fairly easily and busts out of the A.N. Base]]

Outside the Asylum (Festival Venue Near M. Bison’s Lair):
M. Bison – I’m glad you got away from the A.N. forces but I’m sad Guile is dead. I wanted to kill him in unarmed combat myself.

Sagat – Yeah, well, I’m just glad I can get back to my business of dealing in illegal weapons.

Ken – Why the hell did we agree to this?

Ryu – It was better than the alternative. But at least we’re in this together. Right? Ken? [[sees Ken following the suspiciously familiar looking woman from the magic act]] Jerk.

[[Suspiciously familiar looking woman ends up knocking Ken out and tying him up in her tent with her two suspiciously familiar looking accomplices]]

Chun-Li – Listen, you don’t want to be here. I know you’re working Guile, so if you know what’s good for you, you should get the hell out of here. [[then she unties him and lets him go so the point of tying him up was….?]]

Sagat – So, Bison, where’s my money? [[looks at cash in suitcase]] What is this, some kind of joke? All the money has your face on it. This isn’t real money!

M. Bison – Of course it is.

Sagat – Okay, this has gone on long enough. I’m getting rid of you, psychopath!

M. Bison – Traitor!

[[The two square off with a bunch of guns.]]

Ken – Look, Ryu, we really need to get out of here before we get in real trouble…

[[And somehow these two geniuses walk right into the middle of two huge groups of people with weapons drawn without noticing it until they’ve walked past half a dozen guys!]]

M. Bison – Whose side are you on?

Ken – Um, hey, the magic troupe is actually the traitors. See, there’s the van!

[[Inspection of the van reveals a video recording explaining Chun-Li’s cunning plan to blow up everyone with a truck; this doesn’t work and she and the other two get captured while Sagat and company end up taking refuge inside the asylum (M. Bison’s lair)]]

A.N. Base:
Uptight Bureaucrat – Colonel Guile, you are being removed from this mission. We’re going to negotiate with General Bison. You will order your men to stand down!

Guile – Or I could order them to go with me and kick some ass!

Troops – Kick ass!

[[Guile, Cammy, and a guy we are clearly supposed to care about and maybe even recognize from the game but really don’t because I’m not even sure anyone has said his name yet go out in a super-secret stealth boat to bust through the defenses while everyone else follows in a regular fleet]]

Shadaloo Sanitarium (M. Bison’s Lair):
Ken – Should we be disturbed this Bison guy is making us dress like characters in a video game?

Ryu – Everything about this Bison guy should disturb us.

Zangief – Vhat? No, the general is a good, upstandink man.

Ryu – I think we should also feel bad we sold the news crew out. I mean, what if the guys are being tortured and Chun-Li’s going to be assaulted by M. Bison?

Ken – That is totally cliché and ridiculous.

Dungeon:
[[Honda gets tortured while Balrog watches]]

Balrog – I am totally going to kill those guys.

Honda – Not if I do it first.

M. Bison’s Bedroom (shudder):
[[And Chun-Li’s now in a pretty dress with her hair done up just like the game except in red for some reason]]

Chun-Li – I am totally going to kill those guys, after I kill you. I hate you. You killed my father.

M. Bison – Who?

Chun-Li – My father! You know, the man who kept you from destroying my village that you shot in the back!

M. Bison – I don’t recall anyone in particular. I kill lots of people. You can’t expect me to remember every single person I killed. Your father gets killed and that’s traumatic for you, but for me it’s just business as usual.

Chun-Li – I am going to kill you! I’ve spent my entire life preparing myself for revenge!

[[Down in the laboratory, Dhalsim switches Blanka’s programming to something less horrible]]

Ryu – We shouldn’t be jerks. We should help the others.

Ken – What are you talking about?

Ryu – I’m going to help those poor guys. Join me, or not. Whatever. [[leaves]]

Sagat – Hey, Ryu, you’re all alone. Me and Vega got some business to settle.

Ken – Predictably, I’ve a change of heart and come to save my friend. Let’s fight!

[[They fight and Sagat and Vega are defeated; Ken and Ryu go spring Honda and Balrog, who have done an admirable job of springing themselves and the group goes to rescue Chun-Li]]

M. Bison – You’ve not so much as even thrown a punch. I don’t believe you are capable of harming me in any way.

Audience – Dude, look at her! She’s got better developed arm muscles than that skinny guy playing Ken! She’s going to kick your ass!

Chun-Li – Well, I’m about to prove you wrong! [[breaks her bonds and starts kicking M. Bison’s extremely surprised ass]]

Ken – I’m Ken and this is Ryu and of course Balrog and Honda and we’re here to rescue you!

[[Unfortunately this distracts Chun-Li before she can finish M. Bison off and allows him to knock the whole crew out with gas; so basically if Chun-Li had been left alone for two more minutes, the movie would have had a much more awesome ending]]

Control Room:
[[The merry band, now all in outfits resembling the game outfits, are chained together and posted on a catwalk so M. Bison can gloat at them]]

Dee Jay – Hey mon, someting’s blowin’ up our defenses!

M. Bison – Put it on-screen. [[and the screen shows the clear wake of the super-secret stealth boat moving through the water.]] Reverse the polarity and match the frequency and other technobabble things! [[and sure enough, they see the boat that is clearly there by the huge wake]]

Cammy – Sir, our cover has been blown. I’m sure the boat is soon to follow!

Guile – Well, let’s fake our deaths and swim to shore.

[[This works and they get to the lair and the third wheel’s name is finally revealed as T. Hawk not that this actually matters since he doesn’t really do anything; Guile infiltrates while the other two do something else]]

Nut House, Laboratory (M. Bison’s Lair):
Guile – Charlie? Is that you? You look like a green caveman with bad hair. Seriously, Lou Ferrigno’s make-up job was way better.

Blanka – Uh.

Guile – I don’t know what was done to you, but I’ll put you out of your misery.

Dhalsim – No! You have no right to kill him. I managed to stop the brainwashing program. I’ll take care of him. You rescue the hostages. In fact, M. Bison is expecting to use this poor creature to kill them, so just take his place in the pod.

[[Guile does so and bursts out in the control room of the lair]]

M. Bison – You’re alive! That’s… that’s great! Now we can fight to the death!

[[The various A.N. forces storm the base and release the other captured fighters, who start to help get the hostages out of the embattled fortress]]

Dee Jay – Mon, I am not paid enough to put up with this. I am out of ‘ere.

Zangief – I never got paid.

[[Guile and M. Bison do battle and Guile seems to kill M. Bison as Zangief has a change of heart and helps the hostages escape; but M. Bison’s outfit has emergency resuscitation procedures so he comes back to life]]

Guile – That is not fair!

M. Bison – I’m a villain. I don’t play fair.

[[the fight continues with Guile getting his ass kicked until he realizes he can, you know, punch M. Bison and the fight concludes with M. Bison getting punched into a series of TV screens; then the base blows up for some reason]]

Guile – That went well. M. Bison is dead, Blanka and Dhalsim are also probably dead, and Vega is dead.

Cammy – Yes, sir, that sounds good to me. What do we do now?

Guile – We strike a pose like the logo for the game and end on a freeze frame with the game/movie title.

Chun-Li – That sounds really stupid.

Guile – You’re in this too. So better jump like a cheerleader.

Chun-Li – I sincerely hope there is no sequel to this.

[[And they all strike their pose and the movie finally ends.]]

-fade-out-

Fifteen-minute Movie – Man of Steel

or, “Space Jesus vs Space Nazis! Which is Actually More Boring Than the Premise Suggests”
or, “Is he Superman Yet? … Is he Superman Yet? … Is he Superman Yet?”

Krypton, El Household:
[[Kal-El is born at home apparently in a room devoid of doctors of any kind; good thing there were no complications… And then sun rises and a bird flies by because this is the “Circle of Life…“]]

Krypton, Seat of Government:
Jor-El – Krypton is going to explode.

VIP 1 – That’s crazy talk. Just because you are one of our foremost scientists and just because the planet has been shaking for two weeks doesn’t mean it’s going to explode or anything.

Jor-El – Yeah, yeah it is, and we need to get anyone we can off this planet before it does.

General Zod – [[kills VIP 1]] Which makes this a perfect time to stage a coup!

Jor-El – Seriously? We’re on the verge of the end of the world! There won’t even be a government in two weeks.

VIP 2 – I really think you’re exaggerating the danger.

Zod – Jor-El, these fools have done nothing while the planet dies. Let’s take all our genetic history and find a new world and establish a new Krypton with only the worthy bloodlines.

Jor-El – Wait a minute. You’re a space Nazi? Really? Three minutes into this movie and the bad guy is being established as a space Nazi. That’s…great…

Zod – Fine, if you won’t help me, I’ll destroy you too.

Jor-El – A space Nazi who speaks in clichés. That’s great. I’m sure after this little stunt you’ll pull the old, “I’ll have revenge” cliché too.

Zod – What stunt?

[[The stunt in which Jor-El escapes custody of Zod and steals the Codex, which contains all the genetic history of Krypton and downloads it into the baby {seriously, I’m not kidding, and I guessed that’s what was going on only to facepalm when the end of the movie confirmed my wild supposition was actually right} and producing a command key which serves as a red herring for the Codex and an incredibly convenient deus ex machina for the rest of the movie]]

Krypton, El Household:
Lara-El – I’m having second thoughts about sending our baby into the depths of space to a strange new world with potentially hostile alien life. What if they hurt him?

Jor-El – I’ve selected a world with atmospheric conditions that will make my only begotten son into a god.

Lara-El – Oh, I guess that’s okay then.

Jor-El – Good. That whole “Mother can’t bear to part with her child even under dire circumstances” cliché is so overdone. Load him up into the rocket and let’s launch him!

[[At this moment of course Zod busts in and Jor-El holds him off long enough for the world’s longest launch sequence to be completed, at which point Zod kills Jor-El; luckily the government stops the coup just in time to save the ship with Kal-El and Lara-El]]

Krypton, Seat of Government:
VIP 2 – Zod, you and your traitors will be put in a ship capable of interstellar travel and sent into the Phantom Zone.

Zod – I will have revenge against Kal-El!

Krypton, El Household:
Lara-El – Huh, it looks like the planet is exploding. I kind of thought my husband was crazy like the rest of us. Too bad we have no technology to get us off this dying planet. Nope, there was no way to possibly save anyone else besides my son.

[[Thus follows the Krypton-shattering kaboom]]

Earth, The Deadliest Catch:
First mate – Hey, handsome bearded greenhorn, be careful or you’ll get yourself killed. Dumb-ass.

Captain – There’s a distress call. An oil rig is going up! Greenhorn, do something useful. Greenhorn?

Oil Rig:
Worker 1 – The hatch is stuck! There’s fire everywhere! We’re going to die!

Mysterious bearded man who is Clark Kent so I’m just going to call him ‘Clark’ – Come with me if you want to live.

Workers – *blink* *blink blink* Hey, whatever you say.

[[Clark saves everyone including the helicopter and ends up floating in the deep blue frigid Arctic Ocean]]

Whales – <Arthuuuur says hellooooo; alsoooo yoooou kind of loooook like Jesuuuus>

[[We’re treated to the first of several flashbacks showing L’il Clark being traumatized by his superpowers and being called a freak; luckily Ma Kent talks L’il Clark down]]

[[Clark gets out of the ocean, steals some clothes, and then we’re treated to another flashback]]

Earth, Smallville (Flashback):
Bully – You’re a freak, Clark.

[[The worst popped tire in the world sends a terrible bus driver over the world’s worst guard rail and whole danged bus into the river; luckily a slightly older L’il Clark saves everyone including the bully but he’s seen doing so]]

Pa Kent – Clark, someone saw you save everyone. Now the government will come for you and do terrible things.

L’il Clark – Was I supposed to let everyone die?

Pa Kent – Maybe.

Audience – Who the hell are you and where is Jonathan Kent?!?

Pa Kent – I’m just a really cynical and jaded modern update of Jonathan Kent, okay? Anyway, son, let me show you a secret. [[takes him out to the barn and shows him Clark’s baby rocket]]

L’il Clark – What is going on with these lens flares? I can’t see a thing!

Pa Kent – Yeah, I know, it’s like the camera was aimed directly at a light. It’ll go away soon. Anyway, you’re an alien, and people will be afraid of you, but I’m sure you’re destined for greatness. You just need to wait for the right time and hide your powers until then.

Earth, Northern Canada (Not a Flashback):
Lois Lane – I’m a plucky don’t-take-no-for-an-answer reporter and you’re going to let me onto this international archeological dig thing whether you like it or not.

Colonel – I don’t like it.

Lois – That’s fair. So what is this?

Colonel – Well, we thought it was a Soviet sub but it’s buried in ice 20,000 years old, so we’ve got no clue, frankly. By the way, even though I don’t like you, don’t wander around at night. There’s a very real chance you could freeze to death.

Earth, Canada, Later:
[[Clark investigates the object and Lois, who ignores the Colonel’s warning, goes out in the middle of the night to follow Clark, who manages to be completely oblivious to Lois following him around until she nearly gets killed by a security bot]]

Lois – AUUUUGGGHHH!

Clark – Hold still, I can stabilize your wounds until I can get you medical care.

[[Which Clark does by leaving Lois on a glacier all night to be found by chance by the rescue helicopter in the morning…wait, what? Clark has already proven he has super-speed when he ran from the Deadliest Catch boat to the oil rig. Why didn’t he pick her up and run her back to the base before powering up the archeological find (which is a Kryptonian ship of course)? Instead he takes off in the middle of the night and leaves her all alone and exposed to the elements while her body recovers from a grievous injury! She didn’t even have a ton-ton!! What the hell, hero?]]

Earth, Undisclosed Location, Fortress of Solitude:
Clark – So this thing my dad gave me just happened to make this ship work. Can anyone provide a convenient exposition dump?

Jor-El ex Machina – I can do that for you. Your name is Kal-El, you are my only begotten son from a planet called Krypton. Once we explored space, which is where this scout ship came from, but then decided for reasons that are never explained to stop exploring space and making colonies so we all stayed home raising our genetically engineered children and ended up ruining our planet. General Zod thought that was a swell time for a coup, but it didn’t work. I have saved all the genetic history of our planet called the Codex and left it with you.

Clark – Um…

Jor-El ex Machina – I despise the fact all our children were genetically engineered and couldn’t choose their purpose, which is why you were a natural birth. And I sent you here for the purpose of being the savior of this human race and to give them hope that they can be more than they are. Apparently Kryptonians don’t understand irony.

Clark – Um…

Jor-El ex Machina – So if you’ll follow me you’ll see that I already made you a suit to wear to give hope to humanity. You have awesome superpowers and you should use them to save humanity. So do you have any questions?

Clark – Nope, that’s all very convenient.

[[what follows is a montage of Clark donning the Superman outfit (sans underwear on the outside) and learning how to use his superpowers; there’s also another flashback in which a grown Clark tells a jerk trucker to leave a waitress alone but instead he’s the one that leaves the restaurant and to punish the jerk he ties up his truck in power poles like a vengeful super-dick]]

Metropolis, The Daily Planet:
Perry White – Lois, you have a story about a flying saucer. I can’t print this!

Lois – I’ve won awards.

Perry – *icy stare*

Lois – Fine, fine, I’ll get something more solid. [[leaves]] But first I’ll get my story splashed all over the internet.

[[Montage of Lois asking the right questions and narrating the process until she gets to Ma Kent’s house; it’s really not interesting.]]

Earth, Smallville:
Lois – I figured if I asked enough questions you’d show up.

Clark – Please don’t reveal my secret.

Lois – Why not?

Clark – Let me answer with a flashback.

Earth, Smallville (Flashback):
Pa Kent – You have to be more careful about hiding your powers.

Teenaged Clark – You’re not my read dad! You can’t tell me what to do!

Pa Kent – *sigh* I guess if I speak mostly in foreboding platitudes, you’re allowed to speak in adolescent clichés.

Ma Kent – Oh no! An EF5 tornado just appeared out of nowhere! Because that totally happens!

Pa Kent – Everyone get to the overpass! [[Serious note – do NOT do this]]

[[so what follows is one of the most contrived tragedies ever put to film in which the Kents are safe but Pa Kent has to go back to the tornado to save the dog who of course escapes but Pa Kent can’t get away in time and lets Clark know that it’s better for him to die that for Clark to reveal his powers in front of the bystanders to save his father and thus Pa Kent dies. Stupidly. No one cares.]]

Earth, Metropolis:
Perry – So, did paying for all those flights using the Planet’s money in this age of dying print media pay off?

Lois – Um, the leads didn’t pan out. So, um, no.

Perry – You’re lying.

Lois – Okay, yes, but I’m not giving up the story now.

Perry – Damn it!

Earth, Smallville, Kent Household:
Clark – So don’t worry about that reporter, Ma. Everything’s going to be okay now.

Zod (Transmission) – Surrender the one known as Kal-El to me within 24 hours. Or else.

Earth, Smallville, A Church:
Clark – Father, I have a bad feeling about this. Hey, that’s a really nice stained glass window you have of Jesus praying in the garden of Gethsemane. So, anyway, what should I do?

Priest – Do you trust Zod?

Clark – Um, no. He basically threatened the whole planet. Of course not.

Priest – Well, you’ll just have to do what you feel is right and have faith it will be the right choice.

Earth, A Military Base:
Lois – I am totally going to kill that internet guy that ratted me out to the military.

Clark – Hey, how are you doing?

Lois – What are you doing here? They’re going to turn you over to that guy who can’t be trusted!

Clark – Yeah, I know, and do you know you are the only person who realizes he can’t be trusted? Anyway, I have to help people. Also, military guys, the cuffs aren’t holding me and that tranquilizer isn’t going to do anything at all.

Scientist – Um, you might have germs or something. We need to protect ourselves.

Clark – I’ve been on Earth for 33 years.

Zod’s Ship:
[[So Clark goes with Zod’s henchwoman but the henchwoman demands Lois go too for reasons that are never explained, so she does, and Clark quietly slips Lois the command key from his baby rocket.]]

Zod – So, it’s time for exposition on how I was wrongly accused of being a criminal…

[[Clark passes out due to being unacclimated to a Kryptonian atmosphere and the rest of this conversation apparently takes place telepathically? Sure, why not, I guess]]

Clark – I know this, and the audience just saw this at the beginning of the movie. You’re a space Nazi. We get it.

Zod – Fine, fine. Well, it turned out after the planet blew up we escaped the Phantom Zone and managed to scavenge enough technology and supplies from our ruined old colonies to survive, which shows how idiotic everyone was about not leaving the dying planet in the first place! Anyway, that’s the past. I came here to make you turn over the Codex so I can restart Krypton.

Clark – I’m thinking it’s a bad idea to turn that kind of information over to a space Nazi.

Zod – Would it help if I told you I’m planning on killing all the humans and turning Earth into Krypton?

Clark – No! That just makes you more evil.

Zod – Okay, fine, I’ll just lock you up now that you’re weak and do what I want anyway. Also, I’ll be sure to throw the Earthling in a cell with a command interface.

[[Lois in fact ends up in a cell with a command interface and just happens to plug the command key into the slot]]

Jor-El ex Machina – I’m glad you did that for no good reason. Anyway, I’m downloading myself into this ship to take it over. I’ll help you save my son and tell you how to stop Zod for good.

Lois – Wow, that is incredibly convenient.

[[It is indeed as the Jor-El ex Machina helps Lois and Clark escape the ship]]

Jor-El ex Machina – Remember, son, you can save everyone. Now spread your arms out like a cross shape as you float towards the Earth.

[[Clark does save Lois but then what follows is a really annoying fight sequence in Smallville that doesn’t establish much in the way of character for anyone involved but does show that wow Kryptonians can take a beating; Clark doesn’t so much as win as manage to give the evil Kryptonians a headache so bad they run back to their ship for some space aspirin.]]

Lois – Clark! I forgot! Your dead space dad told me how we can save everyone!

Clark – Wow, exposition and solutions! It’s like my dead space dad is a deus ex machina or something! Or that Russell Crowe demanded more screen time because I think he’s had more lines of dialogue than I have.

Zod’s Ship, Later:
Zod – I hates him! I hates Els forever!!

Scientist – It turns out the Codex is actually in Kal-El’s blood.

Zod – So you’re saying that the last begotten son of Krypton must shed his blood to save his race?

Scientist – Um, sure, if you want to say it like that. The best part is he doesn’t have to be alive when I take the blood.

[[So Zod sends out two ships on opposite sides of the world; his ship and a spare and they start terraforming Earth to be more like Krypton which causes huge waves of destruction; despite this, Clark doesn’t seem to be in any particular hurry to you know, save the world]]

Earth, Metropolis Probably:
Colonel – Oh, hey, I’m back. Okay, I’m really confused. If Zod has the ability to terraform a planet, why not pick one that doesn’t have a superpowered space god to defend it? I mean, they can travel through space pretty well. That guy must just be an irredeemable monster if he’s going to kill seven billion people when it makes no sense to do so. So anyway, what’s the plan?

Clark – You drop my baby rocket on Zod’s main ship and I’ll destroy the other ship and that should suck Zod’s ship into a black hole that will conveniently disappear rather than continue to expand and destroy the Earth anyway.

Lois – But you’ll get weaker the closer you are to that ship. It’s like your Kryptonite or something! You could die!

Clark – I am prepared to make that kind of sacrifice for humanity.

Colonel – Well could you get a move on? Thousands of people are dying.

[[Clark of course busts up the small terraforming ship and nearly dies but the light of the sun brings him back from the (mostly) dead just in time to save Lois, who decided to go on the attack run which of course went very badly and in fact the luckiest thing to happen to her was to fall out of the plane to be saved by Clark instead of getting sucked into the black hole/Phantom Zone thing]]

Clark – Well, I’m glad that’s all over. Yep, nothing else to do except kiss Lois and head on out. Nope, no reason to check all those burning and collapsed buildings for survivors or attempt to save as many people as possible. As the savior of humanity, my job is done.

Zod – Hey, I’m not dead yet!

Clark – Seriously? You want to keep fighting?

Zod – I’m going to kill every single person on this planet with my bare hands just to watch you suffer. So either I die or you die!

Clark – That is a horrible pair of choices. I’m morally opposed to killing.

[[And what follows is an action sequence so overly long and destructive and boring I thought it had been directed by Michael Bay; eventually Clark pins down Zod in Grand Central Station, I mean, Metropolis Central Station; in yet another obviously contrived tragedy the only way Clark can save a family from Zod’s heat vision is by killing Zod; Clark is emotionally distraught.]]

Earth, Metropolis:
Clark – So that’s all over. I’m going to be Superman but I need a job where I can hear about all the bad things happening in the world. Or I could watch television and check the internet, but that’s not as good as a job in the newspaper business!

Perry – Everyone meet our new reporter, Clark Kent.

Lois – Nice glasses.

Clark – Thanks.

–fade-out–

For a better ending, check this out. For more ranting about this movie, here’s a link.

Fifteen-minute Movie – Flash Gordon

or, “Ah-AH! Queen Can’t Save this Bad Movie!”
or, “Wow, the Porn Parody Just Writes Itself”
or, “I Heart Princess Aura”

[[Intro with Queen song and flipping through the old serials; does this mean Marvel stole that from this movie?]]

Mysterious Narrator (later revealed as Ming the Merciless) – Earth. What a pathetic planet. I shall destroy it will all my natural disaster buttons that are conveniently labeled in English, which I am also conveniently speaking.

Dark Harbor Airport:
[[Blonde dude gets on a small airplane with a brunette and two pilots]]

Pilot – Hey, you’re on the cover of this People magazine I’m reading which should indicate to the audience you are very famous! Can you autograph this for me?

Flash Gordon – No problem. [[does so]] Hi, Dale. What’s a nice girl like you doing in a plane like this?

Dale Arden – How did you know my name?

Flash – I asked the clerk at the hotel. You don’t think that’s creepy and stalkerish, do you?

Dale – I would answer except that the extreme turbulence is making me really sick…

Flash – Oh, don’t worry. I’m taking flying lessons. There’s a scientific explanation for this… [[sky grows ominous and red]] Er…, no, wait this is really bad…

[[A red light and a mysterious face flash across the plane and the pilots disappear, leaving Flash and Dale to take the wheels, as it were…]]

Mysterious Lab:
Lab Lackey – Professor Zarkoff, the world is ending!

Zarkoff – I knew it! I knew my theories about aliens controlling the weather were correct! Meteorologists are just part of a vast government conspiracy to hide the truth! Now we have to get into this rocket I built and fly into space and stop the aliens!

Lab Lackey – That is insane! You’re an astronomer, not a rocket scientist!

Zarkoff – Me and my gun say you’re going!

Lab Lackey – Me and my feet say we’re not!

Dale – Did you get to the part in flight school about landing?

Flash – No, but it doesn’t matter. We’re going to crash!

[[they do so, in the mysterious lab, and run right over the lab lackey]]

Zarkoff – Oh, well, he’s dead, I’ll take these two. In retrospect, maybe I shouldn’t have made a ship that required more than one person to fly. Anyway, kids, the phone’s in the room shaped like a rocket ship.

Dale – Clearly we bumped our heads pretty hard because that is so stupid there is no other explanation for why we would believe you. [[they enter the ship]]

Zarkoff – Now we’re going into space!

Flash – You’re crazy! [[tries to get the gun away from Zarkoff but ends up initiating launch because that totally happens in a rocket]]

Zarkoff – You’re stuck now. Strap yourselves in and we’re lifting off!

[[the G-forces (or something) cause everyone to pass out and apparently cause Flash and Dale to get all hot and bothered while they unconsciously drift towards a psychedelic vortex and are brought in for a landing by the very aliens attacking the Earth]]

Mongo:
Zarkoff – Wake up! We’re not dead!

Flash – Those guys in shiny gold samurai armor and skull masks don’t look very friendly.

Zarkoff – No problem. We’ll just reason with the alien leader.

[[they are taken to the palace of Ming the Merciless and see an alien get incinerated before they even get to the throne room.]]

Dale – I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

Throne Room:
Vultan – Did anyone tell you that this was the costume when you auditioned?

Random Not-Hawkman – Um, no, but at least we’re not covered in glitter and sequins. This looks like the costumers ransacked a drag queen’s closet!

Vultan – So you’re saying I should be grateful. Okay, well, here’s the tribute!

Barin, Prince Barin – That’s our tribute! You stole it!

Vultan – So what? You stole your costumes from some made for TV “Robin Hood” movie.

Klytus – Shut up and give the Emperor the tribute.

Unfortunate Prince – I don’t have a tribute. Also, I am black. Oh dear. This will not end well for me.

Ming – Nope. [[kills him]]

Flash – This guy is psycho!

Annoying Drone – Your Majesty, that Earthling said you were psycho! Which you take as an insult, so it means you understand English idioms. We’ll go with it.

Ming – Bring them here!

Flash – What? I’m just stating the truth.

Ming – I like the woman. I will make her dance seductively with my seduco-ray.

Dale – What?! [[does so]]

Zarkoff – Their technology is so advanced… Hey, anyway, when you’re done doing, um, whatever, could you stop attacking our planet?

Ming – Nope.

Flash – Well, I’m going to escape or something! [[thus starts what could generously be called a fight sequence in which Flash demonstrates his football skills and knocks down a whole bunch of guards but doesn’t get them any closer to escaping when Zarkoff fluffs it and knocks Flash out]]

Ming – Kill him.

Princess Aura – Daddy, don’t kill him. I want him…please…

Ming – Kill him. Make the woman a consort and brainwash the old dude.

Aura – Daaaddyyy!

Ming – What?

Dungeon:
[[And Flash has been stripped down to his leatherette boxer-briefs; and if that’s not actually what he was wearing, then it means someone put him in that…]]

Flash – I want to see Dale before I die.

Klytus – Sure. It doesn’t matter to me.

Dale – Flash, I think I love you!

Flash – Wow, you are just covered in red glitter and sequins. I think I love you too, even though we’ve known each other for about four hours and I was too shy/creepy to directly ask your name at the hotel.

[[Flash is executed via gas chamber while Dale and Zarkoff watch; Zarkoff is hauled off to have his mind erased and reprogrammed and Flash is buried in a remarkably nice crypt]]

Crypt:
Aura – Okay, doctor whom I’ve seduced, revive him for me. [[doctor does so and leaves quickly; Aura wakes Flash up with a sexy sexy kiss; incidentally, why does his coffin have a mirror on the lid?]]

Flash – You saved me? Why?

Aura – I think you’re cute. So get dressed and I’ll get you to safety.

Shuttlecraft:
Aura – And as a bonus I’ll teach you how to fly one of our shuttles.

Flash – Um, are you teaching me to fly or trying to seduce me?

Aura – Why does there have to be an ‘or?’

Flash – Um, hey, so can I use that telepathy to talk to Dale?

Aura – Well, if you really give me a reason to do so, if you know what I mean. [[Flash attempts to crash the ship]] That’s not what I meant, you idiot!

The Palace:
[[Dale is now in some kind of white-sequined glittery thing and has tried to get herself drunk enough to sleep with Ming]]

Flash (thinking [more or less…]) – Dale, it’s Flash. I’m using telepathy!

Dale – Oh, I hope that’s true or else that stuff was way stronger than I thought. So you’re alive! Are you going to rescue me?

Flash – Aura, where am I going?

Aura – I’m taking you to Arborea to hang out with Barin. Also, I am continuing to try to seduce you.

Flash (thinking) – Okay, I’m going to Arborea and Aura is majorly hot and I totally want to…

Dale – Hey!

Flash (thinking) – Um, love you babe gotta go!

Dale – Well, that’s great! [[gets a slave girl drunk, switches clothes with her (so now she’s covered in orange sequins and glitter) and escapes before Ming shows up; actually, Dale does pretty well in her escape attempt; granted the guards are stupid but she’s not completely incompetent]]

Zarkoff – Dale, I am in no way a brainwashed secret agent of Ming. Let me help you escape.

Dale – Sure! Flash is alive and in Arborea! Let’s get there!

Klytus – I am glad when main characters supply important plot information. Zarkoff, stay with her and report back.

Zarkoff – [[escaping with Dale]] Nope, I’m actually not brainwashed at all. They didn’t actually take away all my memories because I thought of human classic works like Shakespeare that was powerful enough to prevent the mind control! Because human stuff is awesome!

Arborea:
Barin – What the hell, Aura? Harboring him could get me killed.

Aura – Oh, come on, he’s supposed to be dead so what harm can it do to leave him here? Be nice to him and I’ll be back later… [[she leaves]]

Flash – Why does anyone trust her? I mean, seriously?

Barin – I don’t trust her so I’m locking you in a cage and dunking it into the swamp where if you drown that is totally not my fault.

Flash – Hey! Why don’t you team up with the bird people and just beat Ming?

Barin – Because I hate the bird people too! Now get in that cage and drown!

[[in the meantime, Dale and Zarkoff have been captured by bird people and taken to their homeworld, which is not a moon (as Aura said) and not really a world, but more a floating city thing]]

Bird City:
Vultan – Hey, great, we’ll ransom you back to Ming for a lot of money!

Zarkoff – Good grief! Flash is on Arborea. Just team up with Barin’s merry men and beat Ming!

Vultan – Barin’s a jerk!

Arborea:
Barin – Say hello, Riff!

Fico – You are kind of being an unreasonable jerk. Anyway, if you’re going to kill that Earthling, do it with some style.

Barin – Good idea! [[gets Flash out of the cage and makes him stick his hand in a tree stump]]

Flash – Um, what’s the point of this?

Barin – There’s a terrible scorpion thing in here that will kill you if it stings you. You prove you’re brave by sticking your hand in there.

Flash – That is stupid!

Barin – This is sacred! Shut up and do it! And I’ll totally cheat!

Flash – Then I’ll fake you out and escape! [[does so, more or less; Barin actually has to save him from a plant and then they’re all captured by bird people for some reason]]

Bird City:
Dale – Flash! You’re alive!

Flash – Let’s get married!

Dale – Yes!

Vultan – Boring! I want to Barin fight someone to the death!

Barin – Okay, I’ll fight Flash!

Flash/Dale/Zarkoff – What?!

Vultan – Awesome! Let mortal combat begin!

[[Flash and Barin are made to fight on a tilting, spiky, round platform over an endless vortex while Vultan controls it; eventually Flash saves Barin and they decide to team up and defeat Ming although the bird people aren’t buying it]]

Torture Chamber:
Klytus – Whip it! Whip it good!

Dominatrix Minion – Yes, sir!

Aura – Klytus, you can’t do this to me!

Klytus – Um, yes I can, and all I need now is for my dominatrix minion to start stripping down, and my life will be complete.

Aura – Damn it, my father will have your head.

Ming – Nope, I’m cool with this.

Aura – Daaaaaddyyy!

Ming – Honey, what part of ‘merciless’ don’t you understand?

Bird City:
Klytus – Okay, people, turn over the prisoners and no one gets hurt. Okay, that’s not true. A lot of you will get hurt. Anyway, do what I say.

Flash – How about we kill you instead?

Klytus – Ha ha ha, Earthling. That totally won’t happen.

[[between Flash and Barin, it totally does]]

Vultan – Now we’re all doomed! Run away, run away! I mean, fly you fools! [[they retreat to Arborea]]

Flash – Wow, okay, I thought this whole team-up thing was going to work better than that.

[[Dale, Zarkoff, and Barin go with Ming in order to not die, leaving Flash on the floating bird city]]

Ming – This is the part where I tell you I’m impressed by you, but I’m not, and try to tempt you to the dark side.

Flash – And of course I’m going to refuse.

Ming – Yeah, I know, but I was contractually obligated to offer. Anyway, enjoy getting blown up! [[leaves and starts to blow up the city]]

Flash – Maybe I can find some sort of flying vehicle the bird people left behind, because it makes total sense for people who can fly to build flying vehicles! [[finds a rocket cycle which looks a lot like a treadmill]] And I can even pilot this thing thanks to my Earth flying lessons and my lessons with Aura! Vultan, I’m not dead, so let’s team up and fight Ming!

Vultan – This time I’ll take you up on that offer.

Palace:
[[And Dale is in a two-toned silky glittery thing when Aura is abruptly tossed in]]

Dale – You!! You tried to seduce Flash and are responsible for everything! Cat fight! [[they roll around in pillows while the slave women and audience watch eagerly]]

Aura – Wait, wait, I’m a prisoner too! And I saved Flash! I just figured out what kind of man my father is!

Dale – What, really? You saw him stab a dude through the stomach and you just now figured out he’s a terrible person?

Aura – You know, family.

Mongo, Outside:
Flash – So the plan is for me to lure a heavily armed ship into the clouds so you guys armed with light artillery can somehow take over the ship and we can fly it past the force field into the palace. In no way is this going to result in a bunch of pointless casualities!

Vultan – Rock on!

[[this results in numerous pointless casualities but they commandeer the ship as Flash reminds us that Earth will be destroyed if they don’t get Ming to call off his attack; however, the force field is still up and Dominatrix Minion, displaying easily the most intelligence of any minion ever, deduces the ship has been commandeered because it is not flying in the standard flight pattern and orders the guards to shoot it]]

Dungeon:
Zarkoff – So, this is going well…

[[Aura bursts in and saves them both]]

Barin – You’re a traitor!

Aura – Yeah, to my father, who’s a terrible person, and I just saved your life so you could show a little gratitude.

Barin – How about we get married?

Aura – Okay.

Zarkoff – Great, wonderful, now we should turn off that shield so the reinforcements can save us and the Earth.

Barin – Whatever. I’m doing my own thing.

Aura – And I have to be at the wedding.

[[incidentally, Barin manages kill Dominatrix Minion, shut down the reactors and drop the force field while Flash drives the ship in a suicide run]]

Special Events Room:
[[And now Dale’s wedding dress is black and sparkly and Ming is wearing satiny pink; customs are definitely different here on Mongo]]

Officiant – We are gathered here because Ming will kill us if we don’t gather here. Ming, do you take this woman to be your Empress until such time as she bores you, irritates you, or otherwise outlives her usefulness to you and you atomize her?

Ming – I do.

Dale – What!?!?

Officiant – And Dale Arden, you will take this man to be your husband and once we can jam this ring on your finger, you’re married. Yay!

[[The giant space ship crashes right into the giant window, causing all sorts of chaos as everyone scatters to avoid getting run over; Ming, however, doesn’t zig or zag and is impaled by the spiky bit on the front]]

Ming – Hm, in retrospect I should have all giant windows in the palace made with transparent armor instead of glass.

Flash – Stop attacking Earth or I’ll kill you!

Ming – No! [[disappears into his ring and the countdown for Earth hits zero]]

Flash – Did we win? Did I save the Earth? The song says I save everyone of us, but it’s really ambiguous right now.

Zarkoff – Let’s assume yes since we’re talking about going back to Earth.

Barin – Well, since there’s an officiant here and Mongo needs a new Emperor, Aura, what’s say you and I get this over with? [[they do]] Alright, everyone, Mongo is awesome now thanks to these clever, er, lucky, very lucky Earthlings!

Dale – Why am I in yet another glittery costume?

Flash – Who cares? Let’s kiss and end this thing! [[they do]]

[[but a mysterious hand takes Ming’s ring; dum dum dum!!!!]]

-Ah-AH! fade-out-

Fifteen-minute Movie – Green Lantern

or, “Meh”
or, “Hal Jordan is Not a Very Good Superhero”
or, “Maybe Ryan Reynolds Would be Better in a Deadpool Movie”

Narrator – Here’s what you need to know as backstory. Sure, this might have been interesting to show, but we have no time for that. Green Lanterns are space cops who use alien rings and willpower to fight evil. Parallax is a force of fear who was imprisoned a long time ago by the awesome Abin Sur on a lost world and surely it will never be released ever.

[[cue the next scene where Parallax is accidentally released by a bunch of hapless aliens who crashed landed on the lost world; too bad the Corps didn’t put up some kind of sign or missile defense system or even a fence to prevent that sort of thing from happening]]

Hal’s Place:
Hal Jordan – There is no purpose to this scene except to establish that I am a stud, and also that I am a self-centered douche-bag.

Ferris Aircraft:
Carol Ferris – Don’t blow this test today, Hal.

Hal – Whatever.

[[Hal and Carol take two F-35s out to fight two unmanned experimental aircraft]]

Carol – Highball, remember what I said about not blowing this.

Hal – Whatever, Star Sapphire, which is a call-sign that will mean exactly nothing to anyone not familiar with Hal Jordan’s comic book history.

[[Hal sacrifices Carol to try to take out the drone planes, then deliberately breaks the rules by pushing them (and his own plane) beyond their mechanical capabilities and on top of that starts to have a mental breakdown as he plummets back to Earth]]

Hal – In no way is this a scene ripped almost directly from Hot Shots.

[[Hal manages to not die]]

Carol – What the hell was that all about?

Hal – I had to win.

Carol – Argh! No!! This isn’t a game, this is a test! A test of the capabilities of our new aircraft. By breaking the rules and pushing the aircraft beyond their capabilities, you invalidated the data! You risked the prototypes, and you crashed your own jet, and you did it in front of our Air Force client! We’re going to have to lay people off because of you!

Hal – Wow, those are actual extremely salient points but I’m totally going to ignore that because I am a jerk. Also, I will insult you by saying you’re betraying your pilot roots by actually partaking in a meaningful way in your father’s business.

Carol – You’re grounded!

Hal’s Nephew’s Birthday Party:
Hal’s Brother – You jackass! The accident is all over the news! You could have called us to let us know you weren’t dead instead of leaving my son, your nephew, crying in his bedroom!

Hal – Wow, that is a really relevant point that does not say good things about my character, but I’m going to ignore you because you’re just being a nagging sibling.

Hal’s Brother – I’ll pull out the “why are you trying to be like our dad” cliché.

Hal – Whatever. I’ll go talk to the kid.

Kid – Uncle Hal! You’re not dead!

Hal – No, and look at this gift I got for you, which I thought so much about I wrapped it in newspaper in the car on the way to work this morning.

Kid – Gee…thanks… So, anyway, aren’t you ever afraid you’ll die?

Hal – Of course not. It’s my job not to be afraid.

The Final Frontier (Space):
Abin Sur – So, how are things going?

Sinestro – Awful. This Parallax thing is killing everything. I’m going to ask the Guardians for more help.

Abin Sur – Good luck with that.

Parallax – Hey! You! [[attacks Abin Sur]]

Abin Sur – Damn!

[[Parallax mortally wounds Abin Sur and destroys his ship, leaving him hurtling towards Earth in an escape pod; after crashing he sends the ring off to find someone worthy which for whatever reason turns out to be Hal]]

Hal – AAAAHHH! Some terrible green energy force grabbed me and transported me to the coast! Oh, there’s a thing in the water! I’ll go make sure no one’s dead! [[sees Abin Sur]] Okay, so it’s a purple alien. Okay, he still needs to be saved. [[pulls Abin Sur out of the ship]]

Abin Sur – You’ll need the lantern from the ship.

Hal – What? Listen, just stay with me here, alien person, who is bleeding purple… Okay, Hal, focus, dude is bleeding…staunch bleeding…

Abin Sur – It’s too late for me. The ring chose you as a Green Lantern. Take the lantern in the ship and say the oath.

Hal – Lantern? Oath? What? Please don’t die on me before you give me relevant plot information.

Abin Sur – Sorry. [[dies]]

Hal – Damn it!

[[Hal buries Abin Sur, fetches the lantern battery (not that he knows what this is at all) calls his vaguely ethnic best friend for a ride, and gets the hell out of there while the government agents finally get to the ship only five hours after it crashed]]

Government Lab:
Hector Hammond – Okay, your method of bringing me here wasn’t nice, but this is awesome! I get to dissect an alien body! This is the culmination of my nerdy dreams!

Amanda Waller – Just get on with it, already. Also, do not mess with me.

[[The dissection of Abin Sur goes great except for a bit of yellow energy from the wound that appears to infect Hector; he is confused but doesn’t feel unwell so he doesn’t think anything is wrong]]

Oa:
Sinestro – This Parallax thing is awful. Tell me what it is!

Guardians –

Sinestro – Oh, come on, you do this every time. We can’t fight it if we don’t know what it is.

Guardians –

Sinestro – Fine, can I at least take a squad of the best Lanterns and go kill this thing?

Guardians – Yes.

Hal’s Place:
Hal – This scene is in no way a rip-off from Peter Parker’s training montage in Spider-man. Nope, nope, not at all. But at least I figured out the oath. Still don’t know what this ring does.

Carol – Hey, Hal, do you want to go out or something? I’m worried about you because you freaked out and nearly died today.

Hal – Wait, why? So far I haven’t really been shown to have any redeeming characteristics.

Carol – Because obviously we a dating history and I’m still hung up on you, even though there is no good reason. Really, it’s just lazy writing.

Hal – So this means I have a chance to win you back! Awesome!

Carol – What? No! Damn lazy writing.

Hal – Yes! Let’s dance. [[they do]]

Carol – Of course, this is the point where I am obliged to bring up your many issues with relationships and responsibility and your death wish.

Hal – Damn you and your keen insight! [[stomps out of the bar and is accosted by three men]]

Angry Guy – You cost us our jobs! [[they beat Hal up and then laugh at him]] He’s not so tough.

Hal – Dude! There are three of you! See how well you do in a fight when the odds are three to one!

Angry Guy – Whatever, loser.

Hal – Despite the fact this is a stupid idea, I’m going to continue to fight you, but I’ll fight dirty. [[Unintentionally smacks them with a green fist from the ring; the guy who just got knocked through the brick wall ought to be dead by the way]] Whoa! What was that?

[[the ring then envelops him in green energy and shoots him through space in a scene that is no way reminiscent of Galaxy Quest and lands him on Oa; after he’s tortured or something for no good reason, he dons his uniform and struts his stuff]]

Hal – Is that a mask?

Tomar-Re – Yes, human, if you’re quite finished preening.

Hal – Are you sure that’s a mask? This thing looks terrible! I know this movie has a ton of special effects, but why a special effect mask? Seriously, why?

Tomar-Re – You got me. I look great, so this is all your problem. Anyway, take it off. You only need it to hide your identity and you don’t need to do that here.

Hal – Please tell me where here is, fish guy.

Tomar-Re – *sigh* I’ll give you the tour. Then you start your training.

Hal – Deal!

[[much love is lavished on the special effects as Tomar-Re tries to explain to Hal that willpower is the source of the power of the Green Lanterns]]

Hal – This doesn’t seem so bad.

Kilowog – Wait until you get a load of me!

Hal – Oh, this is going to hurt! [[it does]]

Sinestro – This is the replacement for the great Abin Sur? A weak human who can’t even master the basics of wielding a ring? Worthless. Pathetic. And fearful. Fear is opposed to willpower. If you fear, you will lose.

Hal – I’ve only been here for twenty minutes! What the hell do you want from me?!

Sinestro – That is actually a good point, which I’m totally going to ignore so I can continue to be a dick. [[leaves]]

Hal – That was really hurtful! And even though I haven’t become awesome in only twenty minutes, I’m just going to quit!

Tomar-Re – The ring chose you for a reason. I’m sure you can do the job.

Hal – Whatever! [[leaves]]

Kilowog – Do you ever think it might be time to re-evaluate our recruitment policies?

Senator (or some variety of politician) Hammond’s Office:
Hector – Hey, Dad, what’s going on? I have important work to do and a teaching job and I’ve been feeling really weird lately.

Senator Hammond – Son, you’ve done so well with the important work, if you know what I mean.

Hector – Dad? You mean you got me the awesome job? Why did you do that?

Senator Hammond – Because I’m your dad and I’m looking out for you. See?

Hector – But that means you think I can’t get cool top-secret jobs on my own.

Senator Hammond – Um, yeah, and?

Hector – *glowers* I’m leaving now.

[[In the meantime, Sinistro’s attack on Parallax goes disastrously wrong and he’s the only one who survives the assault]]

Swanky Party:
Hal – So how did I even get an invitation to this thing after I screwed up the test so badly?

Carol – Well, it turns out, due to lazy writing, that everything regarding the test turned out just fine anyway, so even though you screwed up something awful, you are getting neither punished and in fact possibly rewarded.

Hal – Sweet!

Hector – I hate that Hal Jordan guy. Always hitting on the woman I obsess over. And also, I feel really awful.

Senator Hammond – Well, it’s been fun, but now I’m going to make a flashy exit on the taxpayer dime!

[[The tiny helicopter takes off and Hector telekinetically damages it, causing it to spin wildly out of control; Hal takes time to run off to the side and change but luckily for him no one is hurt despite the flailing helicopter; he manages to save the helicopter and Carol with some very unnecessarily complicated and downright silly special effects then flies off]]

Hal’s Place:
Vaguely Ethnic Best Friend – I saw that on the news! That was so cool!

Hal – I know, right!

Vaguely Ethnic Best Friend – You’re a superhero! That’s really awful, actually, but we’ll go with it. Lazy writing says you get the girl now.

Hal – Cool!

Carol’s Place:
Hal – Hey, lady I don’t know in any way, how are you doing? Also, how’s my Batman voice?

Carol – Hal, what am I, stupid? And what the hell is with that god-awful mask?

Hal – How did you know it was me?

Carol – Again, what am I, stupid? So what’s going on?

Hal – I’m a space cop, except I kind of quit. But I’m still cool, right?

Carol – You always quit everything.

Hal – I do? Except for our relationship failing, which is probably reasonable since I’m a selfish jerk, I don’t think anything thus far has established me as a quitter. Am I reckless or am I irresponsible?

Carol – You know, it’s not really clear. Anyway, you should re-thinking quitting this space cop thing. [[leaves]]

Government Lab:
Waller – Hector, you need help.

Hector – Why do you say that? I feel great.

Waller – Um, because you’ve turned into a mutated freak. We think you were infected by a second alien life form.

Senator Hammond – Don’t worry, son, we’ll get you back to normal.

Hector – I’m actually fine with this, thanks.

[[proceeds to nearly kill everyone in the lab and incidentally has a montage that does more character building for Amanda Waller than the whole movie thus far for Hal Jordan; then Hal bursts in for some reason to try to stop Hector; it does not work; he saves Waller but not Senator Hammond although he does find out that Parallax is now heading towards Earth because that’s where Abin Sur died]]

Oa:
Sinestro – Everyone died! What the hell is going on?

Guardians –

Sinestro – Damn it, you have to answer these questions or the world will be destroyed!

Guardian 1 – Once, we tried to harness fear as we did willpower, but found out fear is uncontrollable, which should have been kind of obvious. We locked up the power, but one of the guardians tried to control fear anyway, and became the thing called Parallax.

Sinestro – Then we need to fight fear with fear! Create a ring and I will use it to fight this thing!

Hal – Wait, no, that’s a terrible idea! I want to save my planet!

Sinestro – You suck. Why should we care?

Hal – Try this rousing speech on for size! “In brightest day and blackest night, cantaloupe, watermelon, yadda yadda, a superstitious and cowardly lot, with Liberty and justice for all.”

Sinestro – That wasn’t rousing, and I’m not even sure what you were going on about.

Hal – I had some point about being only human, but whatever. Don’t use the fear ring, and I’m going to save my world.

Ferris Aircraft:
Hal – Hector, we need to talk. [[sees an unconscious, floating Carol]] Hey, let her go!

Hector – Nope. I’ve pretty much gone crazy from being infected by this Parallax thing, which is totally going to kill you.

Hal – Here, take the ring. Do anything you want, but let her go.

Hector – Oooo, pretty. But I think I’m totally going to kill you. [[attempts to do so with a blast of green energy but it stops before Hal is hit]]

Hal – Yeah, about that… [[blasts the energy back at Hector]] It’s still my ring. [[catches Carol before she falls to her death]]

Parallax – You idiot! You didn’t kill the Green Lantern so I’m totally going to kill you. Is anyone who’s supposed to be a hero going to stop me? No. Alright then. [[totally kills Hector and leaves him a desiccated skeleton]]

Hal – I need that ring. [[attempts to get the ring but is grabbed by Parallax]]

Parallax – Now I kill you!

Carol – Oh, hell no! [[activates the missile systems on the drone aircraft to blow up Parallax which fortunately doesn’t kill Hal; as some bad-ass bonus, she tosses Hal his ring]]

Hal – Let’s do this thing!

[[Instead Parallax just kills a whole bunch of people before Hal gets his act together and lures Parallax away from the planet]]

Hal – This thing just won’t die! Wait, I remember a thing I learned from my twenty minutes of training. I’ll lure him into the sun’s gravitational field! [[this works]] Oh, but gravity is very strong and I am tired… [[Sinestro, Tomar-Re, and Kilowog save him before he dies]]

Sinestro – I guess you’re not so terrible after all. Actually, Abin Sur was kind of an egotistical jerkface too.

Hal – Thanks?

Hal’s Place:
Hal – So, I un-quit and saved the planet. Pretty cool, right?

Carol – Yes, but I’m going to worry about you because the lazy writing has us kind of back together.

Hal – Don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll all work out and there will be no problems whatsoever. Yep, everything will be awesome.

-fade-out-

Secret Ending:
[[Sinestro takes the yellow fear ring, although it doesn’t make any sense why because Hal just showed that willpower is stronger than fear by defeating Parallax; I mean, this is just as confusing as the secret ending of Amazing Spider-man; but whatever; there has to be a hook for a sequel somewhere]]

Fifteen-Minute Movie: Daredevil

or, “Almost Literally, the Poor Man’s Batman“
or, “Seriously, it’s Like Matt Murdock Can’t Even Afford a Comb”
or, “A Casting Director Saw This and said, ‘That’s our Batman?'”
or, “Starring Ben Affleck’s Chin and Jennifer Garner’s Lips and Cleavage”

[[Movie opens with a guy dressed in a devil costume clinging to a cross as strategic bleeding causes an angel to bleed tears; yes, this is about as subtle as the movie gets with the religious symbols; eventually the weird guy falls into the church and the priest does not freak out about the almost dead dude in the weird costume]]

Matt Murdock/Daredevil (Narrating) – You know how annoying it is when movies start at the end and flash back all the way to the beginning? Yeah, well, this movie does it anyway.

Hell’s Kitchen (Flashback):
Matt (Narrating) – This is Hell’s Kitchen. The city calls it something nicer, but you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy… wait, sorry. Anyway, it sucked. See, there’s me. Aw, I was so cute.

Bully – Hey, we’re going to beat you up! You should fight back! Also, your dad is totally working for the mob!

Li’l Matt – No! [[runs away]]

Murdock Place:
Matt (Narrating) – My dad was a boxer once, but as this blatant product placement shows, he sank into an alcoholic stupor a long time ago…

Li’l Matt – Dude, are you doing to do this the whole time?

Matt (Narrating) – No, only up through the origin story segment.

Li’l Matt – Can you please be quiet? At this point, it should be obvious I, er, you, live in squalor and Dad here is a washed-up alcoholic. I’m pretty sure the story tells itself.

Matt (Narrating) – The director doesn’t agree, so you’ll just have to put up with me.

Matt’s Dad – Matt, don’t fight. Stay in school. Make something of yourself. Also, I am not working for the mob.

The World’s Most Dangerous Docks with the World’s Most Unsecured Hazardous Waste:
Matt (Narrating) – Yeah, about what my dad said…

[[Li’l Matt witnesses his father shaking down some guy for money and immediately runs away and ends up in the area where all the radioactive waste is being moved around by forklift; a tragic accident insues and a drum bursts and spills the waste all over Li’l Matt]]

Hospital:
Matt (Narrating) – Talk about a rude awakening… That’s me freaking out over the least little sound because while the radioactive waste blinded me it also gave me radar-sense, which is really more like echolocation, or sonar-sense, but anyway, moving on.

[[Li’l Matt and Matt’s Dad share a touching moment]]

Murdock Place:
Matt (Narrating) – So Dad agreed to get into shape and I agreed to study real hard and make him proud of me. I also discovered my superpowers, taught myself martial arts, and became the kid without fear! And there was no one named ‘Stick’ anywhere in sight.

The Main Event:
Fallon – You go down, or I take you out. Well, not me, obviously. My mooks.

Matt’s Dad – My son is counting on me. I’ll win this fight. [[does so and is promptly beaten to death in the alley with a mysterious assailant leaving a red rose on the body in defiance of all good sense for a serial killer]]

Matt (Narrating) – So I decided I would administer justice when the system failed.

Li’l Matt – Great. Are you done narrating yet?

Matt (Narrating) – For now. This is the stuff that happened just a few days ago.

Murdock Place (Flashback a Few Days Ago):
Matt – Every sense except touch is so incredibly developed the only way I can even cope with the noise of New York City to get dressed in the morning is by turning my stereo to the maximum volume to drown out all other sounds. Which makes some sense, except this is actually destroying my ability to hear at all. Oh well, moving on.

Court:
Scumbag – You have the worst hair of any lawyer I’ve ever seen. I know you’re blind, but good grief get a comb!

Matt – Don’t talk about my hair, you lying scumbag!

Scumbag – Okay, then how come you keep poking your chin out like that?

Matt – If you don’t go to jail today, you are going to be sorry.

[[Scumbag does not go to jail today because someone is paying for a much better lawyer than he can afford, which honestly is not a good business move for his mysterious benefactor (by which it’s obvious the benefactor is a crime-boss); it only draws attention to the crime-boss and low-level scumbags seem to be pretty easy for the enterprising crime-boss to recruit]]

Shady Bar:
Bartender – Dude, there’s like totally a dude in a weird red devil outfit thing staring at you.

Scumbag – You’re right! That’s really unnerving. Let’s totally shoot him!

[[Daredevil starts a barroom brawl that does result in a lot of guns being fired; enough of Daredevil’s powers have been established that it’s obvious this is a terrible idea! Surely a guy who managed to get through college, law school, and pass the Bar would have figured out lots of noise (like from gunshots) would really screw up his radar-sense thingy; despite this he manages to prevail and Scumbag runs for the train station]]

Scumbag – This is the freakiest night of my life and I’m totally going to kill you!

Daredevil – Unlikely. [[then a train renders him helpless for a moment, but it turns out he’s fast enough to literally dodge a bullet and tosses Scumbag onto the tracks]] The next train’s coming, and I could save you, but I won’t. [[Daredevil does not in fact save Scumbag and goes back to his apartment so wow, Daredevil is pretty dark]]

Murdock Place:
Female voice (answering machine) – The only purpose here is to establish you as emotionally unavailable and unwilling to commit to a relationship, although, frankly, no one should be surprised. Also, how does a lawyer working pro bono on most cases afford all those gadgets?

Train Station:
Cop – Okay, nothing to see here, move along.

Ben Urich – If I toss my cigarette at this one spot, I think we’ll see something.

Cop – No, that’s stupid… [[the lit cigarette lights up a pair of “D”s]] I have no comment.

Coffee Shop:
Franklin “Foggy” Nelson – Listen, Matt, we need to actually get paid for once. Our clients pay us in fish and cheese and while that’s great, it doesn’t pay the rent.

Matt – We help people.

Foggy – That also doesn’t pay the rent.

Matt – My babe-sense is tingling.

Foggy – What? [[Mystery Babe’s pouty pouty lips and perky perky breasts walk in]] Oh, yeah, I mean, she’s hideous; better leave her to me.

Matt – Whatever. [[walks up to mystery babe]] Hey, can you hand me that thing?

Mystery Babe – It’s right there. What are you, blind? [[Matt smirks]] Oh, you are, and I’ll bet you’ve totally used that line before.

Matt – Probably. Anyway, I’m Matt Murdock.

Mystery Babe – I’m getting my coffee and leaving.

Foggy – You’re rejecting the blind dude? Harsh.

Matt – I’m not giving up that easily.

Mystery Babe – I’m not interested. No means no! You followed me, and then touched me without permission, which constitutes assault! This also means you’re a total dick too, even if you are blind.

Matt – Well, sure, in real life, but in the movies, women find this kind of behavior exciting and not in the least bit dickish or actually threatening. So, tell me your name.

Mystery Babe – I know kung fu!

Matt – Bring it!

[[So the Mystery Babe fights the blind lawyer in a highly choreographed, ridiculous fight that showcases the actors what, three months of martial arts training, and that certainly doesn’t do much to hide Matt’s secret identity]]

Matt – Okay, Mystery Babe, you win.

Mystery Babe – My name is Elektra.

Matt – Wow, you’re Greek and that’s what you’re parents named you? This should be a bad sign, but whatever, I’m going with it.

The Streets:
Elektra – Guess what, now I’m stalking you!

Matt – That’s totally cool with me.

[[they hang out all day which leads to a romantic scene on the roof totally staged to get the hot chick in the dress soaking wet; of course this is upset by the sounds of a mugging]]

Matt – I need to go.

Elektra – Stay with me.

Matt – Hmm, save someone from being mugged and possibly hurt, or hot sex with a hot babe? Okay, so that’s actually not such a tough choice.

[[Thus commences the hot sex because there’s only two hours of movie and not enough time to spend on a proper romance; Elektra at least seems to notice the tons of scars on Matt although she doesn’t say anything]]

Skyscraper:
Elektra’s Father – Kingpin, I want out of the mob business.

Kingpin – I’ll take care of it.

Elektra’s Father – I hope that means you aren’t planning to kill me. [[leaves]]

Kingpin – Obviously I mean to kill him. I could use an assassin with stealth and discretion, which would seem to be the smart move, or I could import a killer so blatantly unhinged he kills an old lady on a plane just to shut her up. Yes, clearly I should hire the obvious psychotic. Get me Bullseye.

The Black and White Ball:
Foggy – This is great, Matt! We’ll meet a bunch of new people, maybe even people who can pay us!

Urich – What’s up guys?

Foggy – No, you’re a reporter; you can’t pay us. Also, where did you get that cheap beer at a classy party like this?

Urich – Pay no attention to the product placement. So, here’s my card. I want to talk to you guys about this Daredevil guy. By the way, neat cane blind dude.

Foggy – And we’ll go talk to someone who can pay us. Like that guy, Wilson Fisk!

Fisk/Kingpin – I’ll give you my card.

Matt – We only work for clients who are innocent.

Fisk/Kingpin – That’s so naive and kind of stupid. But whatever, that’s your life.

Foggy – You know we have to pay rent on the office too, right, Matt?

Matt – Whatever. I just smelled Elektra’s perfume out of all the other smells in this room. [[Elektra and her breasts appear in a silver gown (which is neither black nor white) and she and Matt start dancing; Fisk gives her dad a red rose which promptly breaks up the party]]

Streets:
Elektra – Dad, what is going on?

Elektra’s Father – Nothing. We’re all fine here.

[[cue Bullseye dressed like a Hell’s Angel and sporting a stolen motorcycle who manages to throw shuriken through the world’s weakest car window and kills the driver and bodyguard instantly]]

Daredevil – Not so fast, crazy dude!

Bullseye – This scenery is really tasty. You should try some. Or die!

Daredevil – Or I can dodge. [[does so]]

Bullseye – You can’t do that! I mean, I’m pretty sure you can’t physically do that! This is my schtick, man! This is my reason for being! I always hit my target! You can’t dodge!

Daredevil – Yeah, I can. Let’s rumble! [[starts to fight Bullseye, who steals his cane/grappling hook and chucks it at Elektra’s father; an ill-timed explosion screws up his radar-sense and he misses the catch]] Noooooo!!!!

Elektra – Noooooo!!!!

Funeral:
Matt – I’m so sorry. So, so sorry.

Elektra – I want revenge on the guy in the red suit that killed my father.

Matt – That won’t help. It won’t make you feel better, and wow is that going to be awkward later.

Skyscraper:
Bullseye – Okay, I killed the old dude, and your security guard because he annoyed me, and now I want the guy in the red suit.

Kingpin – Yes, clearly I made the right choice in hiring you for my assassination needs. Kill the old dude’s daughter and go after the guy in the suit.

[[In the meantime, Urich figures out who Daredevil really is because Matt for some reason doesn’t want to carry a separate cane and weapon and Elektra gets a training montage; also there’s been a lot of random angel statues in this movie thus far]]

Random Rooftop:
Elektra – You know, I really didn’t think through how I was going to find Daredevil. Hm…

Daredevil – Actually, I’ve been looking for you. I have to explain what really happened….

Elektra – Die! [[they fight until she stabs him through the shoulder]] Okay, now I’ll see who the killer really is! [[unmasks him]] Oh, wow, this is awkward.

Daredevil – I told you it wasn’t me; it was Bullseye.

Bullseye – Hey, kids, I hate to intrude on this romantic encounter, but I’m totally going to kill you both.

Elektra – I’ll protect you, guy whom I have never met before! [[she fights with Bullseye]] It occurs to me it would have been a really smart idea to somehow secure my very long hair in such a fashion to keep it from falling into my eyes before I picked a fight like this.

Bullseye – Yeah, too late now. [[stabs her]] And there are the cops. Laters!

Daredevil – Please don’t die on me.

Elektra – Yeah, um, can’t help that. [[dies]]

The Church:
Daredevil (Narrating) – And here I am, bleeding profusely, just having watched the woman I loved (as far as movies go anyway) and ruining the carpet in this church.

Bullseye – Hey, guess what!

Daredevil – Oh, right, the fight isn’t over. Fine, fine, let’s do this even though I’m wounded.

Bullseye – Great! And I think we should fight on the giant pipe organ!

Daredevil – Swell. Just, swell. [[the fight on the giant pipe organ and resulting noise goes as about as well as can be expected for Daredevil as cops swarm the outside of the building]]

Bullseye – I’m totally going to kill you now! [[tries to stab Daredevil for some reason]]

Daredevil – I’m totally not going to let you do that. [[totally does not let Bullseye stab him and instead gets him into a position for the police sniper to shoot through his hands]]

Bullseye – Jesus!

Daredevil – I know it hurts, but please don’t take the name of the Lord in vain, especially not in a church.

Bullseye – No, I mean, Jesus symbolism! Look, I’ll even spread my arms just like this.

Daredevil – Wait, so you’re Jesus? That doesn’t seem right. Whatever, I’m tossing you out the window so I can go take on the Kingpin. [[does so]]

Skyscaper:
Sycophant – Sir, we’ve received word Bullseye is out. Daredevil may be looking for you soon.

Kingpin – He’ll come tonight.

Sycophant – Well, that doesn’t make a lot of sense. He could be injured or something. He should take some time and heal up and make sure you aren’t ready for him.

Kingpin – The movie is about two hours long. There’s not enough time for that.

Sycophant – Right! [[leaves]]

Daredevil – Okay, you and me big guy! [[this goes about as well as can be expected with an injured shoulder and a giant hulk [but not that one, or that one, or that one either] of a man and he ends up being unmasked]]

Kingpin – The blind lawyer? Are you @$&#ing kidding me? Well, I think it’s safe for me to monologue for a few minutes about why I killed your dad and girlfriend because I’m sure there’s nothing in my office that would give you some kind of advantage over me in a fight.

Daredevil – You mean like shattering all your expensive built-in wall fountains and using the droplets to triangulate your position?

Kingpin – Damn it. [[Daredevil shatters all the wall fountains and the water stays on just long enough for him to cripple the Kingpin]] Okay, so are you going to kill me now?

Daredevil – Oddly enough, no. I mean, I threw a scumbag on the tracks to get cut in half by the C train, I threw Bullseye out of a window onto a car, and while you are ultimately responsible for all the bad things that have occurred, it turns out I am now a better man than I was. So you get to go to jail and feel free to tell all your fellow prisoners you got beat up by a blind dude. I’m sure that will go over well.

Murdock Place:
Matt (Narrating) – Well, the woman I loved is dead, and I’m sure that reporter is going to reveal my secret identity, but at least my soul has been saved. Hey, I found that necklace Elektra was wearing. Maybe she’s not dead after all.

Urich – And I’m not going to reveal your secret identity. That would totally get you killed, and we need heroes, for a definition of hero that includes guys who let people, granted very scummy people, get cut in half by trains.

Daredevil – That’s as good as it gets here. Some places get a Friendly Neighborhood Spider-man, Hell’s Kitchen gets a guardian devil. Really, it’s totally dark and edgy. I’m sure people will love that.

-fade-out-