or, “Don’t Get Me Angsty. You Wouldn’t Like Me When I’m Angsty.”
or, “A Dark and Nolan-y Summer Blockbuster Before That was Popular”
or, “A Movie with Daddy Issues”
[[Credits roll to montage of a biologist (presumably) torturing a number of animals in the pursuit of what from the notes appears to be manipulating DNA to increase regeneration to the point of immortality]]
Desert Base, 1966:
Dr. David Banner – I need money and I can make immortal superweapons!
Young Ross – Human experimental is illegal and unethical. No.
David – They said I was mad! Mad! I’ll show them! [[commences human testing on himself]]
Mrs. Banner – I’m going to have a baby!
David – Um.
Young Ross – I checked up on you and you were testing your experiments on humans! I am throwing you off this base!
David – Fine, but if I can’t have my research to cure my genetically mutated freak son no one will! [[sets gamma radiation experiments to destroy the base because he is bat@#$& crazy; goes home and he and Mrs. Banner go behind closed doors and much screaming occurs until the door opens to an ambiguous scene change]]
World’s Most Poorly Secured Research Facility:
[[Bruce passes by Stan Lee’s cameo]]
Bruce – I am really worried about how my eyes randomly turn green and glowing.
Random Scientist – Dude, you look like a total nerd in that bike helmet.
Bruce – Yeah, and I also look like Eric Bana so you should shut the hell up.
Random Scientist – … That is a really good point.
Betty Ross – Hey, Bruce, we have a presentation tomorrow to justify all our research. No pressure though.
Bruce – Yeah, no, it’s fine.
Betty – Also, I hope this won’t make our working relationship any more awkward now that we broke up.
Bruce – Yeah, no, it’s fine.
[[They commence their test and gamma irradiate a frog; it heals, then explodes horribly]]
Betty – So, I’m upset and am going to fall back into an old argument about how you never bothered to find out about your birth parents.
Bruce – Not again…
World’s Most Poorly Secured Research Facility, The Next Day:
Glen Talbot – Betty, I’m going to totally hit on you and offer you a high-paying job with the military to do your research.
Betty – Could you be any sleazier? Get the hell out of here.
World’s Most Poorly Secured Research Facility, That Night:
Betty – Hey, where’s the usual janitor?
Creepy Janitor – He’s dead. I’m the new guy.
Betty – Um, okay, moving along here.
Desert Base, Flashback:
Betty (narrating) – I had this weird dream about when I was two, I was having ice cream with my dad and something bad happened. I saw this green mushroom cloud and then you, an adult, picked me up and tried to stangle me.
Bruce – Holy @#$% that is disturbing. No wonder we broke up.
[[Creepy Janitor steals one of Bruce’s stray hairs; so, who was wondering if Bruce was still having nightmares? Well, it turns out he totally is and that Creepy Janitor is stalking him and secretly mapping his DNA as janitors do using his janitoral access to the World’s Most Poorly Secured Research Facility…]]
World’s Most Poorly Secured Research Facility:
Talbot – I totally want to get my hands on your research for the military. You’re making, like, a super soldier serum!
Bruce – No, that’s entirely different. Anyway, I don’t want my research to be used for weapons.
Talbot – That is the lamest thing I have ever heard.
World’s Most Poorly Secured Research Facility, Gamma Lab:
[[A terrible accident occurs and in order to save Random Scientist, Bruce puts himself directly in the path of a gamma blast but somehow totally survives]]
Betty – What the hell happened? Everything else has turned inside out and exploded!
Bruce – Our process actually worked! It’s just fine now.
[[Hey, were you wondering if Bruce was still having trippy, surreal nightmares? Well, it turns out he is and they’re even worse than before!]]
Creepy Janitor – [[who is in a hospital room with his dogs]] So, you’re real name is Banner and I’m totally stalking you, but you’ll put up with it because I know why you survived that accident. Also, if that doesn’t convince you, I knew your real mother because I’m your father in a twist that pretty much everyone saw coming.
Bruce – You are creepy and lying!
David – No, I’m not. I know all about the experiments and the explosion and they put me in prison for 30 years! They called me mad! Mad!!!! But now we can rule the galaxy as father and son!
Bruce – Get the hell out of here you creepy freak!
[[David continues his crazy experiments apparently now with nuclear material because, as noted, this is the World’s Most Poorly Secured Research Facility, and anyone can just walk out of there with freakin’ nuclear material!!! Honestly, this is worse security than Oscorp in Amazing Spider-man]]
Betty – So, Dad, I was hoping you could tell Talbot to back the hell off.
General Ross – Actually, I found out some interesting stuff about that guy you used to date.
Betty – It turns out I have some daddy issues and even though I asked you to come here, I’m going to accuse you of screwing up my life again and leaving in a huff! [[does so]]
World’s Most Poorly Secured Research Facility:
[[in the meantime, Bruce examines his own blood for the first time and finds it is very weird, and Betty picks the worse time to leave an omniously ambiguous phone message; Bruce, already in the midst of a mental breakdown as long-repressed memories come to the surface, completely Hulks out]]
David – That is the coolest thing I have ever seen.
[[a touching moment briefly calms the Hulk until more memories surface and he runs off again]]
[[Betty finds an unconscious Bruce in torn pants on the bed]]
Betty – Well, this is weird. So, there was an explosion in the lab last night.
Bruce – I’m fine. I had some crazy dream and that creepy janitor was there and said he’s my father. Weird, right?
General Ross – So, we’re found Bruce Banner. Betty, I have unfinished business with your ex.
Betty – Whatever. I’m going to get some answers. [[leaves]]
David’s Horror-movie Set Hovel:
Betty – So, tell me what happened last night.
David – Wow, you don’t have any common sense, do you? I mean, this place is creepy as all get out and I’m as creepy as all get out, and you’re here alone asking me questions?
Betty – Yeah, well, I live in a cabin the woods. I don’t have a good sense of impending danger.
David – Oh, alright. You aren’t going to try to cure Bruce, are you? Because I have no intention of letting that happen. No intention…
Betty – Um, my father thinks Bruce is a threat to national security.
David – You are an idiot, but very pretty. Still, you should leave now.
Betty – I’m sure I never should have come here, you creepy freak who just stole my sweater [[leaves]]
Ross – Tell me where your father is!
Bruce – I have no idea. He’s a creepy freak and I hate him.
Ross – You’ve totally been in cahoots in with your father! I’m going to make sure you never work on any important research ever again! [[leaves]]
Bruce – Great. Just great. Hey, what the hell is that ringing? Oh, a phone hidden under my couch.
David (phone) – I’m going to send my dogs to kill your girlfriend so she can’t cure you!
Bruce – Argh! Must save girlfriend!
Talbot – Listen, you jerk, you went behind my back to Ross and I’m going to beat the hell out of you right now!
Bruce – Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.
Talbot – Whatever, nerdlinger. [[clearly Talbot does not read comics or recognize the tagline and eventually causes a big, green temper tantrum as Bruce Hulks out and heads to Betty]]
Betty’s Cabin in the Woods:
[[Betty hears a noise she goes to investigate; luckily for her it’s the Hulk whom she seems to recognize; then they are attacked by gamma-irradiated dogs; then what starts is a pretty bad CGI dog fight that Bruce ultimately wins then calms down when he sees the monster he’s become and he turns into a naked Eric Bana]]
Bruce – That bastard! I will kill him! [[starts to choke Betty instead; so does this mean Betty is psychic since that was her dream? Anyway, he passes out before he kills her]]
Betty – So what’s going on? Our research worked, right? What’s with those dogs?
Bruce – The research worked because I’m the experiment. That psychopath is my father and he sent those dogs to kill you.
Betty – Oooookaaay… [[later, Betty is so desperate she calls her father for help while Bruce naps]] So, I think your anger triggers the transformation because emotional damage is just as powerful as physical trauma.
Bruce – That’s deep. And angsty.
Betty – Yes. By the way, you need to take a little nap now.
Bruce – What? [[is shot with a tranq dart]] Oh.
Gamma Base (Waaaaaaay the Hell Out in the Middle of Nowhere [really, quite smart of the military]):
Betty – I can’t help him if he’s sedated all the time!
Ross – He’s dangerous! He’s the son of that crazy guy! So he’s probably going to go crazy too, so I’m not going to let him go.
Betty – He’s not a weapon either. Let me try to help him.
[[The military fails to catch up with David who has snuck back into the World’s Most Poorly Secured Research Facility, to a crime scene, to continue his research by experimenting on himself, which turns him into the Absorbing Man (more or less); at this point a security guard actually pays some attention and in typical Hollywood fashion the only black person with lines in the movie gets killed within 30 seconds]]
[[so it turns out the Desert Base from the beginning is on top of Gamma Base and the military lets Bruce go for a walk down memory lane that proves futile]]
Ross – So Talbot went around me and now the NSA controls access Banner.
Betty – So, I guess I have to leave now.
Talbot – Hey Bruce! So it turns out I am as stupid as I am sleazy and I’m going to try to get you angry so those military guys can kill you!
Betty’s Cabin in the Woods:
David – I won’t kill you. I want to turn myself in so I can see my son again.
Betty – My father can’t help you. You should be sorry for what you did you Bruce.
David – I was just trying to improve on God’s creation!
Betty – Blah blah blah, insane self-righteous scientist speech. You screwed up and you know it.
David – Okay, look, I realized I created a monster. I tried to kill him because I was afraid of him but his mother got in the way and I killed her instead.
Betty – Wow, when I think you can’t get any creepier, you manage to anyway.
[[So, Talbot finds out that bullying an unconscious dragon turns out no better than a conscious one as Bruce Hulks out, busts out of the lab and the containment, and starts going on a rampage]]
Talbot – I am going to get a sample of his Hulked out blood if it kills me! [[which is exactly what happens; no one is sad]]
Ross – Do something! Fire everything! [[this does not work]] Okay, lure him outside so he doesn’t kill everyone down here.
[[Hulk heads outside to get shot by heavy artillery; this also does not work; unbeknownst to the military but knownst to us, they are dealing with an unstoppable rage monster; Military 0, Hulk 3]]
Ross – I clearly need heavier artillery! I wonder where he’s going. If only there was someone I knew that he cared deeply about that he might be going to seek in this time of distress…
[[And it turns out heavily armed helicopters with missiles also don’t stop the Hulk; Military 0, Hulk 4]]
Ross – Bury him in rubble!
Officer – Isn’t that a national park or monument or something?
Ross – Just fire everything, and that’s an order!
[[So, it turns out burying the Hulk in rubble also doesn’t stop him; Military 0, Hulk 5, National Park 0]]
Ross – Hey, Betty, I think Bruce is heading to you.
Betty – Really, you think? Well, I’m at the base with his dad.
[[So it turns out that firing missiles at the Golden Gate Bridge is a bad idea and a fighter jet almost takes out the bridge; Hulk saves the bridge by jumping on the jet, which should have disintegrated the jet but the military finds out Hulk still needs to breathe when the jet goes up to the edge of the atmosphere; to be fair, the Hulk lasts nearly as long as the guy with the oxygen mask; he plummets into the water and manages to survive; Military 0, Hulk 6, Golden Gate Bridge 1]]
Betty – You’re just making him angrier. Let me go to him. By the way, shouldn’t you have tried to evacuate San Francisco or something?
Ross – Um, yeah, well, too late now. I actually called out everyone to try to stop him, but I suppose I’ll let you try.
[[Betty goes to the Hulk and calms him down; Military 0, Hulk 6, Betty 1; such is the power of love]]
Ross – Alright, so if he does anything but sit there I’m going to totally kill him. And when I get word for the Top Brass, I’ll kill him anyway. Oh, hey, Betty, were you standing there?
Betty – You are the world’s second worst father.
[[The military actually lets David and Bruce talk; I have no idea who thought that was going to go well]]
David – So, how’s it going?
Bruce – You made me a monster that they’re going to kill as soon as they figure out how. Thanks. Thanks so much you psychopathic freak. But hey now I remember my mother.
David. – Whatever. I’m not here for you. I’m here for the green monster I created. Muahahaha!!! Also, I need more energy so you have to turn into the monster so I can absorb it!
Random Officer – So, should we do something about the crazy ranting guy who’s trying to tick off the mostly unstoppable rage machine? No? Okay then.
David – Fine, I’ll just kill us both!
[[David literally chews the scenery and the power cable to turn into a giant electric monster; fortunately for Bruce, being electrocuted does not actually kill him but he does Hulk out; David runs off with the Hulk (I guess; it’s really hard to tell) and they start a fight in the middle of the desert which is better than San Francisco; this means the psychopathic mad scientist had more consideration for civilians than Ross]]
David – Okay, so this is either a knockdown, drag-out battle royale, or a metaphor for you fighting against the fear and anger you’ve suppressed your entire life.
Bruce/Hulk – Yeah, I can’t really tell because the editing is so dark. So, which does this need to be for you to stop trying to kill me?
David – Metaphor, battle royale, either way, I’m totally going to kill you and steal all your gamma energy.
Bruce/Hulk – You are a terrible parent! If you want my gamma energy and my rage you can have it all you psycho freak!
David – Yes! Yeeesss! Wait, um, okay, wait, um, stop now… please be stopping… AAAAAGGGHHHH!! [[he explodes ambigiously]]
Ross – Nuke the deserted island!
[[The deserted islands explodes unambigiously]]
One Year Later:
Ross – So, Betty, I’m sorry I nuked your ex-boyfriend. Obviously he couldn’t have survived, but you know, if he does, you’d let me know, right?
Betty – Of course not! Anyway, you’ve got all my electronics bugged so I don’t have to tell you. So, yeah, thanks Dad. Thanks so much.
Ross – I am a terrible parent.
Betty – Yes. Yes you are.
South America, Somewhere:
Thug – <I’m totally taking this medicine.>
Bearded White Dude – <You’re making me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.> [[His eyes glow ominously green…]]
–Thugs 0, Hulk 1–