or, “Saved by Teddy Bear People. No, Seriously, Teddy Bear People.”
Scrolling Exposition – So the Empire, in true government fashion, decided why build one Death Star when it can build two for twice the price? The rebels are doing pretty well, but are working to destroy the new Death Star before it becomes operational. Also, they’re trying to rescue the Han-sicle. Actually, except for the Han-sicle part, you could just read the exposition from Episode IV again.
C-3PO – Ok, so it turns out Jabba was on Tatooine all along. But I don’t understand why we’re being sent in to negotiate. I have a bad feeling about this. -They knock and are admitted to see Jabba the Hut- Okay, R2, play that message from Master Luke.
Luke (Hologram) – Your awesomeness, I’d like my friend Han Solo back. I’m sure you’ll agree to this, because it’s really the only reasonable solution. As a token of good faith, I give you these two droids. Also, this is in no way a trick. Laters!
Jabba – <-<Why would I give up my Han-sicle? I think he really brings the room together. But I’ll take the droids anyway.>->
C-3PO – This is not fair. What did I ever do to deserve this?
R2-D2 – Bleepborp <-<Don’t worry, I’ve got your back. That’s my job.>->
C-3PO – I am not filled with confidence.
[[The droids are hauled away and enslaved; C-3PO gets to be a translator and R2-D2 gets to serve drinks]]
Mysterious Bounty Hunter – Ay ay yo <-<I brought in the Wookie. Give me the money>->
Jabba – <-<Sure. I’ll give you twenty-five grand.>->
Mysterious Bounty Hunter – Ay ay yo <-<No dice. Fifty-thousand>->
Jabba – <-<Like hell. You take it and you like it.>->
Mysterious Bounty Hunter – Ay ay yo <-<Me and my thermal detonator think you should give me what I want>->
C-3PO – I agree with the thermal detonator.
Jabba – <-<Wow, that’s spunky. Sure, give the mysterious bounty hunter the money and take away the Wookie.>->
Tatoonie, Later Still:
[[the Mysterious Bounty Hunter sneaks into Jabba’s palace and thaws out Han Solo]]
Han – Ahhh! What the hell happened? I can’t see anything.
Mysterious Bounty Hunter – You got frozen in carbonite, but don’t worry, you’ll get your sight back soon. Also it turns out I don’t need a translator.
Han – Who the hell are you?
Mysterious Bounty Hunter- [[pulls off the helmet]] It’s me, you nerfherder! [[kisses him]]
Han – Leia! Oh, okay, this isn’t so bad.
Jabba – <-<That’s what you think, sucker! Throw Han in the dungeon and put that cutie into something skimpy!>->
Tatooine, Even Later Still:
Luke – Knock knock! I’m a Jedi Master and I’m going to get my friends back and kick your ass! I mean, assuming you have one. Whoa, Leia, that’s a different look.
Leia – *frosty stare* Yeah. Thanks. Do you want to get on with this overly elaborate rescue plan?
Luke – Hey, this is a great plan! I’m here to kick ass!
Jabba – <-<Yeah, like I haven’t heard that before.>-> [[drops Luke into the rancor pit]]
Luke – Well played, Jabba, well played. But I am a Jedi Master, after all. [[proceeds to take a bit of a beating but ultimately kill the rancor]] So, Jabba, you really ought to surrender now.
Jabba – <-<Hell no! I’ve still got your friends, your droids, and a whole bunch of bodyguards. Take him down to the dungeon.>->
Han – You are terrible at rescues.
Luke – Relax, I’ve got it all planned out.
Han – I am not filled with confidence.
Jabba – <-<Welcome to a long, slow painful death, suckers!>->
Luke – R2-D2, do that thing you do!
R2-D2 – Beep beep <-<You got it, boss!>-> [[Launches Luke’s lightsaber at him]]
Luke – [[catches it]] Right, let the ass-kicking begin!
[[Thus commences the actual rescue fight sequence; it turns out even Lando snuck into Jabba’s palace to help out which does beg the question of why they didn’t just take out Jabba while he was sleeping instead of electing to unfreeze Han and risk raising an alarm; but anyway, moving on]]
Jabba – <-<No way! How are we losing!? I’ve got a ton of bodyguards and some kick-ass bounty hunters!>->
[[The blind Han drops Boba Fett into the Sarlacc pit pretty much by accident]]
Jabba – <-<What the hell do I pay you guys for?!? Could this day get any worse?>->
Leia – Yes, yes it could and will! [[proceeds to strangle Jabba to death with the leash he put on her]] Right, that was bad-ass. I’m getting the hell out of here now.
[[Eventually the whole gang escapes and Jabba’s sail barge is blown to bits]]
Vader – Can’t you build this thing any faster?
Commander – Not after the budget cuts after that first one blew up.
Vader – Did I mention that the Emperor is going to personally oversee the last stages of construction?
Commander – Oh, that’s, um, different. Ok, start building like your lives depend on it, because they probably do! I know mine does!
Luke – I need to finish my training.
Yoda – Your training is complete. Die I must.
Luke – Ok, that kind of sucks. Hey, Vader said he was my father, but Ben said Vader killed my father. What’s true?
Yoda – Words are Ben and I going to have when I die… But your father Vader is.
Luke – Then I could turn all evil like he did.
Yoda – The choice is yours to be good or evil. Also, when I die, the last of the Jedi will you be. Now, quiet will you be while I die? Thank you. [[dies, and the body and clothes this time disappear]]
Luke – Oh, wow, now I’m the last of the Jedi. This kind of sucks, actually.
Ghost of Kenobi – I’m sure you’ll do fine.
Luke – Since you’re here, Ben, why did you lie to me about Vader?
Ghost of Kenobi – I didn’t lie. I just told you the truth from a very narrowly defined point of view that served my purposes at the time.
Luke – Dude, you totally lied!
Ghost of Kenobi – *phhbt* Just for that, I’m not telling you the identity of your long-lost twin sister.
Luke – I have a sister? Oh, my Jedi intuition is telling me my sister is…Leia!? Ew ew ew, I need some brain bleach. Ok, ok, back to Vader. What do I do?
Ghost of Kenobi – You’ll have to confront him again.
Luke – Darn it. Can he be turned back to the Light Side?
Ghost of Kenobi – You want to save him? I never even considered that could be a possibility. You could try, I guess, but I wouldn’t recommend it. He’s mostly a cyborg and there’s barely anything human left.
Luke – Darn it.
Sad Lady – We have discovered the Empire is building a new Death Star and we managed to get plans for it. A lot of people died to get those plans, so don’t screw this up.
General Ackbar – Right, here’s the plan. The Death Star isn’t fully up and running yet, and the Emperor’s going to personally check the final phases of construction. We’re going to try to blow up the thing with the Emperor and end this war.
Han – Wow, that seems too easy.
Ackbar – It is. The Empire isn’t full of complete morons, so the Death Star is protected by a shield. The shield is generated from the forest moon Endor. A squad will go take down the shield and then some small fighters will exploit a weakness in the construction of the Death Star and blow it up from the inside.
Han – This sounds really familiar…
Ackbar – No it doesn’t! It’s totally different than how the Death Star got blown up before. For instance, the whole fleet is involved this time in an awesome space battle!
Han – Yes, I’m sure that will go well.
Emperor – I hope this thing is working better than the half-finished exterior would indicate.
Vader – The weapon systems are finished.
Emperor – Oh, no problem then.
Vader – I’m afraid the rebels may have gotten their hands on the schematics to this Death Star. Ooops.
Emperor – That would be really lame except I let the rebels get the plans. They’ll try to take out the shield and we’ll ambush them. Then they’ll attack us and we’ll take out their whole fleet in one shot. Isn’t that brilliant?
Vader – What if they actually get the shield down? Wouldn’t it have been better to give them a fake weakness, or don’t have a structural weakness, so even if everything goes horribly wrong they can’t actually destroy the Death Star?
Emperor – Why the hell didn’t you bring that up sooner? Whatever, I’m sure everything will go just as planned. Muhahahaha!!!
Vader – What about young Skywalker?
Emperor – Well, you totally failed to turn him to the Dark Side the last movie, but I’m confident he’ll come here and then we can both turn him to the Dark Side. Well, mostly me since you totally failed.
Endor (Yet another world defined by one geographic feature):
Chewy – Arrnngngghghgh? <-<Is anyone else starting to think stealing an Imperial shuttle to get here might not have been the best plan? I mean, what if someone reported it stolen and this is all some kind of elaborate trap?>->
Han – You are paranoid. Everyone split up according to the plan and we’ll meet back up at the shield generator.
Leia – Then we’d better stop those oddly alert forest troopers! [[hops on speeder]]
Luke – That’s incredibly dangerous! Wait for me!
[[Thus follows the exciting analogue motorcycle chase through the forest which ends as badly as one would expect going a hundred miles an hour or so in an area full of giant obstructions; Leia ends up knocked off but both forest troopers are apparently killed before they can get help]]
Wicket – <-<Hey, a creature clearly larger than me. I shall poke it with my spear!>-> [[does so]]
Leia – Oh, my head. That was one of the stupidest things I have ever done. At least I’m alive. You know, some sort of communication device that would alert the others to my current situation would be really useful right now. Too bad I don’t have one, for no apparent reason.
Wicket – <-<You’re totally my prisoner, big thing!>->
Leia – Ok, and I’m being threatened by an adorable teddy bear person. Like I’m going to be intimidated by this. Here, have some food.
Wicket – <-<I’m a bad-ass warrior! I am! Ooo, cookie.>-> *nom nom* <-<Uh-oh, something’s coming>-> [[hides]]
Leia – What a weird little teddy bear…[[dodges being shot at]] Son of…! I thought I killed all those guys.
Forest trooper – Nope, and now you’re my prisoner.
Wicket – <-<She’s my prisoner, darn it!>-> [[distracts the forest trooper so Leia can kill him]]
Leia – So, if anyone asks, I didn’t need your help, because getting help from a teddy bear is the opposite of bad-ass.
Wicket – <-<I am bad-ass! That’s why I carry a spear! We’d better get out of here. Come with me>->
[[Despite not understanding the Ewok language, Leia gets the hint and follows Wicket]]
Endor, Rendevous Point:
Han – Well, that was fun chasing down forest troopers. Where’s Leia?
Luke – She’s not here?
Han – No, Jedi-boy. Why the hell would I be asking if she was here?
Luke – We’d better go find her!
Han – Yes, brilliant plan. *rolls eyes*
[[Han, Luke, Chewbacca, and the droids all manage to get caught in a net when Chewy takes the obvious bait]]
Han – You idiot! What the hell do I pay you for, furball?
Chewy – Arrngnggnh. <-<Point to Han. That was totally lame>->
C-3PO – R2, aren’t you supposed to be saving main characters here?
R2-D2 – Beep borp borp <-<Okay, but you’re not going to like it>->
[[cuts the net and they all fall to the ground only to find themselves surrounded by Ewoks]]
Han – I am not going to be threatened by teddy bear people!
Luke – I’m sure it’ll be fine. Don’t hurt them.
C-3PO – You were right, R2, I didn’t like that at all.
Ewoks – <-<It is our golden god!>->
C-3PO – Seriously? Well, I’m sure this will work out fine.
[[Everyone but C-3PO is trussed up on a spit while he’s carted in on a throne]]
Han – If we live through this, we will never speak of this again.
Chewy – Awwwanngnghgh! <-<I totally agree>->
C-3PO – Oh, that’s funny. The Ewoks are going to kill you and eat you at a feast in my honor. Heh, whoops.
Han – If you’re god, tell them to knock it off.
C-3PO – Apparently I’m not that kind of god.
R2-D2 – Blorp <-<Yeah, I’m not surprised>->
C-3PO – Shut it, you.
Leia – What is going on here?
Han/Luke – What’re you doing here?
Leia – You guys got captured by the teddy bear people?
Han/Luke – Um, no.
Leia – Anyway, C-3PO isn’t a god and they aren’t dinner. And apparently they either had a dress in my size or I can sew really fast.
Luke – Here, I’ll just use a Jedi mind trick to get out of this. [[does so and the Ewoks release them]]
Han – Do you think you could have done that before I was humiliated in front of my totally not-girlfriend?
Chewy – Wwwwaarrngnghghgh! <-<Totally. By the way, don’t we have a shield generator to take out? I guess that can wait until tomorrow. It’s not like we have a rebel fleet waiting for us or anything.>->
Luke – Leia, I have something dreadfully important to tell you. Two things, actually. One, Darth Vader is my father.
Leia – Dude, that sucks.
Luke – And two, you’re my long-lost twin sister.
Leia – Oh, it turns out I also have Jedi intuition and that does not come as a surprise to me. Boy, do I wish I’d listened to that intuition before a certain scene in the last movie…eww. Wait, that means Vader is my father too? Dude, this sucks.
Luke – Vader can feel my presence through the force, so he knows I’m here. I’m endangering the mission so I’m going to turn myself in while you guys finish the mission. I’m going to try to turn him back to the Light Side.
Leia – Good luck with that.
Luke – Hi Dad.
Vader – Um, hi, I mean, I’m taking you to meet the Emperor. I’m glad you see that your defeat is inevitable.
Luke – Don’t be like that. I’m going to turn you back to the Light Side.
Vader – Um, what?
Luke – And I know you won’t take me to meet the Emperor.
Vader – Skywalker, meet the Emperor. Emperor, meet young Skywalker.
Luke – Well, I was wrong. That’s okay, I forgive you, Dad.
Vader – It freaks me out when you call me that.
Luke – Sorry. But you are my father.
Emperor – Yes, yes, touching family moment, blah blah blah. Turn to the Dark Side, young Skywalker.
Luke – My friends are going to totally kill you.
Emperor – Oh, you mean the leaked plans to the Death Star, including the location of the shield generator? Yeah, I planned that. Your rebellion is screwed.
Endor, Shield Generator:
[[Han and Co. ambush the small group of guards and try to take out the shield generator]]
Han – What a small group of guards. This was easier than I thought.
Forest troopers – Yeah, it really was. You are totally surrounded and better surrender.
Han – #@$% us. It was a trap all along.
Chewy – Ranngnghehehgh! <-<Yeah, that’s right, don’t listen to the paranoid Wookie… Now what do we do?>->
Wicket – <-<I’ll get help!>-> [[escapes in the confusion]]
Han – I am not filled with confidence.
Death Star, Outer Space:
Ackbar – Ok, that shield generator ought to be down now. Let’s attack!
[[Thus begins the awesome space battle]]
Lando (in the Millennium Falcon) – Ackbar, we have a problem. That shield is still up!
Ackbar – Well, we’re committed now. Keep fighting and hope they come through!
Lando – Why the hell did I volunteer for this?
Death Star, Throne Room:
Luke – Ok, this is not going well.
Emperor – It’s about to get worse. Guess what? The weapons systems on this thing are fully operational! Blow something up!
[[The Death Star proceeds to blow a huge rebel cruiser into smithereens]]
Death Star, Outer Space:
Ackbar – It’s a trap!
Lando – No kidding, calamari-face! Attack the fleet! That’s safer than staying near the Death Star. Han, what the hell are you doing?
Death Star, Throne Room:
Emperor – I can tell watching everyone you love die is really making you angry. That’s good. Give into the Dark Side. It’s totally awesome.
Luke – You can go to hell.
Emperor – Right, give into those feelings.
Luke – This is seriously creepy. Dad, aren’t you going to do anything?
Vader – No, not really.
Luke – Boy, you have a lot to learn about being a father.
Emperor – Blah blah blah. Kill me and turn to the Dark Side!
Luke – That’s the first thing you’ve said that’s actually tempting, because you totally deserve to die.
Endor, Shield Generator:
Han – Any bright ideas?
Leia – It turns out I still have my laser gun.
Han – I love you.
Leia – Of course you do.
[[cue attack of the Ewoks, which is at least an effective enough distraction for the rebels to get into the shield generator and blow it to smithereens]]
Forest troopers – We have lasers and armored vehicles! How are we losing against teddy bears with spears?!
Wicket – <-<You’re the bad guys. Too bad for you>->
Death Star, Outer Space:
Lando – The shield’s down! Let’s go get that Death Star! Damn, Han, it’s about time!
Death Star, Throne Room:
Emperor – So, are you going to try to kill me or what? I totally deserve it. I’ve killed a bunch of people and I’m going to kill a bunch more, including your friends!
Luke – You die! [[tries to kill the Emperor but Vader prevents him from doing so and they end up in a lightsaber duel]]
Emperor – Now that’s entertainment!
[[Luke gets enough control of himself to hide in the throne room]]
Vader – Come out come out wherever you are! Hey, if we can’t turn you, we’ll turn your sister. Huh, so I have a son and a daughter. Well, this day is just full of surprises. Soon she’ll be evil like me!
Luke – You die! [[tries to kill Vader but stops when he chops his hand off, revealing a cybernetic hand]] Wow, that totally reminds me of me.
Emperor – That was great! Now kill Vader and become my new apprentice!
Vader – Oh, no you didn’t! You did not just betray me!
Emperor – Yeah, I totally did. What did you expect from a Sith Lord? I mean, seriously, how did you not see this coming? Anyway, so what do you say, kid?
Luke – I’ll die first.
Emperor – Okey dokey. [[zaps Luke with Sithy purple lightning]]
Luke – Wow that hurts more than I could have imagined. Dad, a little help here? Something?
Vader – Palpatine, you totally lied to me about everything!
Emperor – Yes, because I’m a Sith lord! What are you going to do about it?
Vader – This! [[chucks the Emperor down a convenient bottomless structural shaft and gets zapped muchly]]
Emperor – What, seriously, this is how I die? What purpose does this shaft even serve? Why is it so close to my throne room? It doesn’t make any sense! Lame! [[dies]]
Luke – Thanks, Dad! I’ll take you back to Endor and we can meet Leia and be a family and all that.
Vader – Yeah, that’s nice, son, but all that Sithy lightning destroyed my systems. I’m dying.
Luke – This sucks.
Vader – Yeah I’m not thrilled about it either, but you did save me from the Dark Side. Here, take off my mask. [[Luke does so]] You’ve done good, son. [[dies]]
Death Star, Outer Space:
Lando – Hey, back to us navigating the superstructure of the Death Star which is weirdly big enough for fighter craft to fit. But whatever, let’s blow the core and get the hell out of here! [[does so]]
[[Luke manages to steal a shuttlecraft and gets out of the Death Star with Vader’s body before the explosion]]
Endor, Ewok Village:
Han – I’m sure Luke didn’t just get blown to smithereens…
Leia – No, he’s on his way back right now.
Han – Ok, weird. Hey, you don’t like, have a thing with him, do you?
Leia – He’s my brother.
Han – Oh. Then that makes that scene in the last movie really awkward.
Leia – If you never speak of it again, neither will I.
Han – Sounds fair. You’re awesome, babe.
Leia – So are you, you nerfherder.
Endor, Ewok Village, Later:
Ewoks – Yub yub!
Lando – So you were saved by teddy bear people?
Chewy – Aarrhghghghnngh!! <-<Shut it, you, or I’ll rip your arms off!>->
Lando – That’s totally fair.
Leia – So, since you’re setting the body on fire, I’m guessing that whole saving Vader thing didn’t work out?
Luke – Well, he did kill the Emperor before he died.
Leia – That’s good. Of course, the Death Star blowing up would have done the same thing.
[[the ghost of Kenobi and Yoda appear]]
Luke – Hey, the old masters! I guess I did okay. Still, I wish I could have saved Dad.
[[the ghost of Anakin appears next to the other two]]
Luke – Hey, I did! That’s great. Hey, wait a minute, did Dad look that young before the special edition?
Leia – I’m sure that’s only important to fans who care about the integrity of the original releases. Now come on, there’s a party to celebrate destroying the Empire.
Luke – The Empire wasn’t destroyed the last time we blew up a Death Star.
Leia – Yeah, but we got the Emperor this time.
Luke – Really? It’s just that easy?
Leia – Apparently so.