or, “Mediocre movie, good soundtrack”
Eastern Temple (dream sequence):
[[Shang Tsung is holding Liu Kang’s younger brother hostage]]
Tsung – I’m totally going to kill your brother because you ran away instead of fighting me. [[kills the kid]] And I’m also stealing his soul, because I can.
Liu – Damn it!
Liu – [[wakes up]] I don’t know what that was about, but I’d better get back to my home, which is a vaguely Eastern Buddhist-ish monk temple.
Eastern Temple (real thing):
Master Monk – Yeah, Tsung totally killed your brother.
Liu – Damn it! Couldn’t you have called or something? I mean, I know you’re monks and all, but there has got to be a phone somewhere. Then I wouldn’t have to rely on learning bad news through psychic dreams.
Raiden – Or you could have just been here to fight Tsung like you’re supposed to.
[[Monks fall to their knees]]
Liu – Ok, first of all, no one except these guys believes that superstitious nonsense. Second of all, aren’t you kind of, well, white to be an Eastern thunder god?
Raiden – Yeah, just for that I’m going to knock you on your whiny ass. [[does so]] Don’t let the casting fool you. Note the lightning eyes special effect.
Liu – Yeah, yeah, fine, you’re a god. So what?
Raiden – So you get on that boat and fight in Mortal Kombat like you’re supposed to. You’re the chosen one.
Liu – Why can’t you fight?
Raiden – Because it’s mortal kombat, and I’m not mortal. Duh.
Johnny Cage – Ok, fellas, look, I know you all aren’t really martial arts masters like I am, but you are trained stunt men, right? So how hard is it to fall down on cue? Honestly. I can’t work under these conditions.
Agent – How about you join a martial arts tournament to the death? I’m sure that death part is totally made up, but if you survive, it’ll add to your street cred.
Johnny – That’s a great idea!
[[His agent walks off and changes shape to reveal himself as Tsung]]
Jax – Why are we staking this place out again?
Sonya Blade – Because Kano will be here.
Jax – Creepy docks are not his usual hang-out.
[[Creepy guy with a metal eye walks onto the creepy boat]]
Sonya – There he is! I’m going after him!
Jax – Wait a minute! That’s totally against protocol… [[Sonya runs off]] So, I should call this in or something?
Johnny – Hey, Asian-looking guy. Take my luggage onto the creepy boat.
Liu – Seriously?
Johnny – Um, yeah. Chop chop or whatever.
Liu – Right. [[tosses his luggage off the dock]] You are a jerk.
Johnny – Well, okay then. My mistake.
[[Sonya gets on the boat]]
Sonya – Where the hell did Kano get to?
Raiden – Hey, kids, maybe you ought to listen up.
Johnny – Who’s the old guy with the lightning eye special effects?
Liu – Raiden, the thunder god.
Johnny – Ha, ha. No, seriously, who is he?
Raiden – The thunder god. You are going to fight in the Mortal Kombat tournament. I will now relate some back story. [[does so]] So basically you win this fighting tournament or the Earth Realm gets conquered by Outworld.
Johnny – We have to save the world?
Raiden – Pretty much.
Sonya – I’m just here to kill, I mean, arrest Kano.
Raiden – Yeah, well, they don’t let you out of the tournament like that. Good luck, kids.
Johnny – Wait, so I could really die? That…that will be really good for my career, but not so good for me personally.
Liu – Loser.
Sonya – I’m going to find Kano.
Johnny – Is everything here just super-creepy?
[[Kitana’s entourage moves on by]]
Liu – She’s hot.
Johnny – Yeah, she is. Who is she?
Random Person – Princess Kitana of Outworld. She’s also ten-thousand years old.
Johnny – Sweet. A cougar.
[[The tournament guests are treated to a feast in which they are reminded that yes, they can totally die and probably will]]
Johnny – If I live through this, remind me to fire my agent.
Tourney Island, Later:
Kano – So you’ll pay me, right? I lured Sonya here like you wanted.
Tsung – Yes. Also, I plan to cheat and take out Liu Kang outside of the tournament.
Kano – That’s cool with me.
Tsung – Hey, Sonya, you’re pretty.
Sonya – You’re seriously hitting on me? Ugh. Everything here is just so creepy.
Tsung – I got you a present.
Sonya – Er…
[[Kano joins her in the ring]]
Sonya – Still creepy, but I’ll go with it.
Kano – And I’ll hit on you too while I literally hit on you.
Sonya – Double ugh!
[[They fight and Sonya loses at the beginning but manages to win despite the move she is using would provide no leverage whatsoever and kills Kano at the end of the match]]
Sonya – Wow, that was a lot easier than I expected.
Liu – Oh, I have to fight the totally hot princess. I don’t have to kill her, right? Good.
Kitana – I’m going to give you vaguely worded advice on how to win the tournament while I throw this match and also indicate Tsung plans to cheat.
Tsung – Hey! None of that! Out of the ring!
[[Johnny versus some random guy; Johnny wins handily and doesn’t kill him]]
Johnny – So, that went well.
Tsung – If you won’t kill him, I will. [[proceeds to kill and suck the soul out of the random guy]]
Johnny – Is that in the rules?
Tsung – I’m the judge or umpire or whatever, so I say yes.
Liu – So I’m looking for some sort of vague clue that Tsung is planning to cheat.
Johnny – And I’m with you because apparently I have nothing else to do.
Sonya – And my story arc has already been resolved, which isn’t necessarily good. I hope I don’t end up being taken hostage or something.
Tsung – Hey, since you’re wandering around stupidly alone, meet my minions, Scorpion and Sub-zero. They’re totally going to kill you.
Johnny – Well, at least I know who my opponent is tomorrow.
Tsung – No, I mean they’re totally going to kill you now.
Raiden – I’m pretty sure that’s against the rules, Tsung.
Tsung – Hey, no fight has actually started so no rules have been broken. Come on guys, we’re out of here. [[they leave]]
Raiden – Don’t do that! My powers are diminished outside of the Earth Realm and I can’t save you when you’re being stupid.
[[a random janitor with lightning eyes sets down a bucket of water in the tournament area; no one notices]]
Liu – Oh, so I get the ice ninja. How is this fair, anyway? I don’t have any super-powers.
Sub-zero – Oh, too bad for you.
[[they commence the fighting which is pretty even until Sub-zero starts gathering for an ice attack; Liu looks helpless until Kitana pops in]]
Liu – Oh, her advice makes sense now! And it’s so handy there’s a bucket of water here! [[uses water to cause Sub-zero to get impaled on an ice sphere]]
Sub-zero – Lame! [[dies]]
Johnny – Right, so there’s a creepy forest too. This is just great.
[[Scorpion appears and they start fighting]]
Scorpion – Get over here!
Johnny – Gahh!!! What the hell is that thing you fired from your hand? You have super-powers! That’s not fair! [[kills the thing]] But you know what, I do too! [[tries to Shadow Kick Scorpion who teleports away]]
Johnny – Dude, not fair! That’s all I’ve got! And this really spiky shield I fell on.
[[Scorpion pulls off his mask, revealing a skull, and shoots fire at Johnny]]
Johnny – Are you @#*&ing me? You breathe fire? [[finishes Scorpion off by using the spiky shield to cut his head off]] That was too weird.
Johnny – Dude, how did I end up fighting the four-armed freak?
Goro – How did I end up fighting some pansy movie star instead of the destined one?
Johnny – Ok, that’s it, jerk. Let’s do this thing.
[[Using the power of arrogance, idiocy, and a well-placed nut-shot, Johnny manages to trick Goro into falling off a mountain and dying]]
Johnny – Booyah! I beat the champion, I beat the champion. Who’s awesome now?
Tsung – Ok, screw this. I used to be champion, so I get the last fight to determine the winner, and I choose to fight Sonya because I know I can beat her. I’ll just be taking her to Outworld now.
Sonya – Damn it! My story arc resolved too early in the movie! [[they disappear in a portal]]
Johnny – So go after her!
Raiden – I have no powers in Outworld. I’m an Earth god.
Liu – But he’s cheating!
Raiden – Not technically. Don’t worry, as long as she doesn’t accept the fight, he can’t win the tournament.
Liu – I’m beginning to think the rules are just made up as we go along.
Raiden – Do you want to save the world or not?
Liu – Fine. So how do we get to Outworld?
Kitana – I think I can help with that.
Tsung – I’m going to continue to hit on you creepily until you agree to fight me.
Sonya – UGH!
Johnny – This place is creepy and awful.
Kitana – It wasn’t always this way.
Johnny – Then it’s really gone downhill.
[[on the way, they are attacked by what is Reptile, probably; he is defeated and they continue on their way; finally they reach the palace]]
Liu – Ok, so destiny wins. I am the chosen one and I will fight you.
Tsung – Well, it’s about time! Fine, you and me fight. I’m going to win anyway.
[[they start fighting; Liu does pretty well until Tsung pulls a dirty trick and shapeshifts into Liu’s dead brother]]
Liu – Dude, that is low! I’m not going to be distracted by your dirty tricks! [[continues to fight and eventually develops an approximate super-power that is enough to kick the tired Tsung onto the spiky floor; this releases all the souls]] I hope that special effect means I won.
Ghost of Liu’s Brother – You did win, and freed my soul. Thanks.
Johnny – Great! Brother avenged, girl rescued, destiny fulfilled, day saved. Let’s get out of here!
Liu – So, Kitana, you want to go out on a date or something?
[[sky turns ominous and dark and the image of Shao Khan appears]]
Khan – Ok, screw this tournament thing! I’m just taking over!
Raiden – I don’t think so! Prepare to pose purposefully for the sequel!
[[everyone takes a fight pose]]