or, “Almost Literally, the Poor Man’s Batman“
or, “Seriously, it’s Like Matt Murdock Can’t Even Afford a Comb”
or, “A Casting Director Saw This and said, ‘That’s our Batman?'”
or, “Starring Ben Affleck’s Chin and Jennifer Garner’s Lips and Cleavage”
[[Movie opens with a guy dressed in a devil costume clinging to a cross as strategic bleeding causes an angel to bleed tears; yes, this is about as subtle as the movie gets with the religious symbols; eventually the weird guy falls into the church and the priest does not freak out about the almost dead dude in the weird costume]]
Matt Murdock/Daredevil (Narrating) – You know how annoying it is when movies start at the end and flash back all the way to the beginning? Yeah, well, this movie does it anyway.
Hell’s Kitchen (Flashback):
Matt (Narrating) – This is Hell’s Kitchen. The city calls it something nicer, but you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy… wait, sorry. Anyway, it sucked. See, there’s me. Aw, I was so cute.
Bully – Hey, we’re going to beat you up! You should fight back! Also, your dad is totally working for the mob!
Li’l Matt – No! [[runs away]]
Matt (Narrating) – My dad was a boxer once, but as this blatant product placement shows, he sank into an alcoholic stupor a long time ago…
Li’l Matt – Dude, are you doing to do this the whole time?
Matt (Narrating) – No, only up through the origin story segment.
Li’l Matt – Can you please be quiet? At this point, it should be obvious I, er, you, live in squalor and Dad here is a washed-up alcoholic. I’m pretty sure the story tells itself.
Matt (Narrating) – The director doesn’t agree, so you’ll just have to put up with me.
Matt’s Dad – Matt, don’t fight. Stay in school. Make something of yourself. Also, I am not working for the mob.
The World’s Most Dangerous Docks with the World’s Most Unsecured Hazardous Waste:
Matt (Narrating) – Yeah, about what my dad said…
[[Li’l Matt witnesses his father shaking down some guy for money and immediately runs away and ends up in the area where all the radioactive waste is being moved around by forklift; a tragic accident insues and a drum bursts and spills the waste all over Li’l Matt]]
Matt (Narrating) – Talk about a rude awakening… That’s me freaking out over the least little sound because while the radioactive waste blinded me it also gave me radar-sense, which is really more like echolocation, or sonar-sense, but anyway, moving on.
[[Li’l Matt and Matt’s Dad share a touching moment]]
Matt (Narrating) – So Dad agreed to get into shape and I agreed to study real hard and make him proud of me. I also discovered my superpowers, taught myself martial arts, and became the kid without fear! And there was no one named ‘Stick’ anywhere in sight.
The Main Event:
Fallon – You go down, or I take you out. Well, not me, obviously. My mooks.
Matt’s Dad – My son is counting on me. I’ll win this fight. [[does so and is promptly beaten to death in the alley with a mysterious assailant leaving a red rose on the body in defiance of all good sense for a serial killer]]
Matt (Narrating) – So I decided I would administer justice when the system failed.
Li’l Matt – Great. Are you done narrating yet?
Matt (Narrating) – For now. This is the stuff that happened just a few days ago.
Murdock Place (Flashback a Few Days Ago):
Matt – Every sense except touch is so incredibly developed the only way I can even cope with the noise of New York City to get dressed in the morning is by turning my stereo to the maximum volume to drown out all other sounds. Which makes some sense, except this is actually destroying my ability to hear at all. Oh well, moving on.
Scumbag – You have the worst hair of any lawyer I’ve ever seen. I know you’re blind, but good grief get a comb!
Matt – Don’t talk about my hair, you lying scumbag!
Scumbag – Okay, then how come you keep poking your chin out like that?
Matt – If you don’t go to jail today, you are going to be sorry.
[[Scumbag does not go to jail today because someone is paying for a much better lawyer than he can afford, which honestly is not a good business move for his mysterious benefactor (by which it’s obvious the benefactor is a crime-boss); it only draws attention to the crime-boss and low-level scumbags seem to be pretty easy for the enterprising crime-boss to recruit]]
Bartender – Dude, there’s like totally a dude in a weird red devil outfit thing staring at you.
Scumbag – You’re right! That’s really unnerving. Let’s totally shoot him!
[[Daredevil starts a barroom brawl that does result in a lot of guns being fired; enough of Daredevil’s powers have been established that it’s obvious this is a terrible idea! Surely a guy who managed to get through college, law school, and pass the Bar would have figured out lots of noise (like from gunshots) would really screw up his radar-sense thingy; despite this he manages to prevail and Scumbag runs for the train station]]
Scumbag – This is the freakiest night of my life and I’m totally going to kill you!
Daredevil – Unlikely. [[then a train renders him helpless for a moment, but it turns out he’s fast enough to literally dodge a bullet and tosses Scumbag onto the tracks]] The next train’s coming, and I could save you, but I won’t. [[Daredevil does not in fact save Scumbag and goes back to his apartment so wow, Daredevil is pretty dark]]
Female voice (answering machine) – The only purpose here is to establish you as emotionally unavailable and unwilling to commit to a relationship, although, frankly, no one should be surprised. Also, how does a lawyer working pro bono on most cases afford all those gadgets?
Cop – Okay, nothing to see here, move along.
Ben Urich – If I toss my cigarette at this one spot, I think we’ll see something.
Cop – No, that’s stupid… [[the lit cigarette lights up a pair of “D”s]] I have no comment.
Franklin “Foggy” Nelson – Listen, Matt, we need to actually get paid for once. Our clients pay us in fish and cheese and while that’s great, it doesn’t pay the rent.
Matt – We help people.
Foggy – That also doesn’t pay the rent.
Matt – My babe-sense is tingling.
Foggy – What? [[Mystery Babe’s pouty pouty lips and perky perky breasts walk in]] Oh, yeah, I mean, she’s hideous; better leave her to me.
Matt – Whatever. [[walks up to mystery babe]] Hey, can you hand me that thing?
Mystery Babe – It’s right there. What are you, blind? [[Matt smirks]] Oh, you are, and I’ll bet you’ve totally used that line before.
Matt – Probably. Anyway, I’m Matt Murdock.
Mystery Babe – I’m getting my coffee and leaving.
Foggy – You’re rejecting the blind dude? Harsh.
Matt – I’m not giving up that easily.
Mystery Babe – I’m not interested. No means no! You followed me, and then touched me without permission, which constitutes assault! This also means you’re a total dick too, even if you are blind.
Matt – Well, sure, in real life, but in the movies, women find this kind of behavior exciting and not in the least bit dickish or actually threatening. So, tell me your name.
Mystery Babe – I know kung fu!
Matt – Bring it!
[[So the Mystery Babe fights the blind lawyer in a highly choreographed, ridiculous fight that showcases the actors what, three months of martial arts training, and that certainly doesn’t do much to hide Matt’s secret identity]]
Matt – Okay, Mystery Babe, you win.
Mystery Babe – My name is Elektra.
Matt – Wow, you’re Greek and that’s what you’re parents named you? This should be a bad sign, but whatever, I’m going with it.
Elektra – Guess what, now I’m stalking you!
Matt – That’s totally cool with me.
[[they hang out all day which leads to a romantic scene on the roof totally staged to get the hot chick in the dress soaking wet; of course this is upset by the sounds of a mugging]]
Matt – I need to go.
Elektra – Stay with me.
Matt – Hmm, save someone from being mugged and possibly hurt, or hot sex with a hot babe? Okay, so that’s actually not such a tough choice.
[[Thus commences the hot sex because there’s only two hours of movie and not enough time to spend on a proper romance; Elektra at least seems to notice the tons of scars on Matt although she doesn’t say anything]]
Elektra’s Father – Kingpin, I want out of the mob business.
Kingpin – I’ll take care of it.
Elektra’s Father – I hope that means you aren’t planning to kill me. [[leaves]]
Kingpin – Obviously I mean to kill him. I could use an assassin with stealth and discretion, which would seem to be the smart move, or I could import a killer so blatantly unhinged he kills an old lady on a plane just to shut her up. Yes, clearly I should hire the obvious psychotic. Get me Bullseye.
The Black and White Ball:
Foggy – This is great, Matt! We’ll meet a bunch of new people, maybe even people who can pay us!
Urich – What’s up guys?
Foggy – No, you’re a reporter; you can’t pay us. Also, where did you get that cheap beer at a classy party like this?
Urich – Pay no attention to the product placement. So, here’s my card. I want to talk to you guys about this Daredevil guy. By the way, neat cane blind dude.
Foggy – And we’ll go talk to someone who can pay us. Like that guy, Wilson Fisk!
Fisk/Kingpin – I’ll give you my card.
Matt – We only work for clients who are innocent.
Fisk/Kingpin – That’s so naive and kind of stupid. But whatever, that’s your life.
Foggy – You know we have to pay rent on the office too, right, Matt?
Matt – Whatever. I just smelled Elektra’s perfume out of all the other smells in this room. [[Elektra and her breasts appear in a silver gown (which is neither black nor white) and she and Matt start dancing; Fisk gives her dad a red rose which promptly breaks up the party]]
Elektra – Dad, what is going on?
Elektra’s Father – Nothing. We’re all fine here.
[[cue Bullseye dressed like a Hell’s Angel and sporting a stolen motorcycle who manages to throw shuriken through the world’s weakest car window and kills the driver and bodyguard instantly]]
Daredevil – Not so fast, crazy dude!
Bullseye – This scenery is really tasty. You should try some. Or die!
Daredevil – Or I can dodge. [[does so]]
Bullseye – You can’t do that! I mean, I’m pretty sure you can’t physically do that! This is my schtick, man! This is my reason for being! I always hit my target! You can’t dodge!
Daredevil – Yeah, I can. Let’s rumble! [[starts to fight Bullseye, who steals his cane/grappling hook and chucks it at Elektra’s father; an ill-timed explosion screws up his radar-sense and he misses the catch]] Noooooo!!!!
Elektra – Noooooo!!!!
Matt – I’m so sorry. So, so sorry.
Elektra – I want revenge on the guy in the red suit that killed my father.
Matt – That won’t help. It won’t make you feel better, and wow is that going to be awkward later.
Bullseye – Okay, I killed the old dude, and your security guard because he annoyed me, and now I want the guy in the red suit.
Kingpin – Yes, clearly I made the right choice in hiring you for my assassination needs. Kill the old dude’s daughter and go after the guy in the suit.
[[In the meantime, Urich figures out who Daredevil really is because Matt for some reason doesn’t want to carry a separate cane and weapon and Elektra gets a training montage; also there’s been a lot of random angel statues in this movie thus far]]
Elektra – You know, I really didn’t think through how I was going to find Daredevil. Hm…
Daredevil – Actually, I’ve been looking for you. I have to explain what really happened….
Elektra – Die! [[they fight until she stabs him through the shoulder]] Okay, now I’ll see who the killer really is! [[unmasks him]] Oh, wow, this is awkward.
Daredevil – I told you it wasn’t me; it was Bullseye.
Bullseye – Hey, kids, I hate to intrude on this romantic encounter, but I’m totally going to kill you both.
Elektra – I’ll protect you, guy whom I have never met before! [[she fights with Bullseye]] It occurs to me it would have been a really smart idea to somehow secure my very long hair in such a fashion to keep it from falling into my eyes before I picked a fight like this.
Bullseye – Yeah, too late now. [[stabs her]] And there are the cops. Laters!
Daredevil – Please don’t die on me.
Elektra – Yeah, um, can’t help that. [[dies]]
Daredevil (Narrating) – And here I am, bleeding profusely, just having watched the woman I loved (as far as movies go anyway) and ruining the carpet in this church.
Bullseye – Hey, guess what!
Daredevil – Oh, right, the fight isn’t over. Fine, fine, let’s do this even though I’m wounded.
Bullseye – Great! And I think we should fight on the giant pipe organ!
Daredevil – Swell. Just, swell. [[the fight on the giant pipe organ and resulting noise goes as about as well as can be expected for Daredevil as cops swarm the outside of the building]]
Bullseye – I’m totally going to kill you now! [[tries to stab Daredevil for some reason]]
Daredevil – I’m totally not going to let you do that. [[totally does not let Bullseye stab him and instead gets him into a position for the police sniper to shoot through his hands]]
Bullseye – Jesus!
Daredevil – I know it hurts, but please don’t take the name of the Lord in vain, especially not in a church.
Bullseye – No, I mean, Jesus symbolism! Look, I’ll even spread my arms just like this.
Daredevil – Wait, so you’re Jesus? That doesn’t seem right. Whatever, I’m tossing you out the window so I can go take on the Kingpin. [[does so]]
Sycophant – Sir, we’ve received word Bullseye is out. Daredevil may be looking for you soon.
Kingpin – He’ll come tonight.
Sycophant – Well, that doesn’t make a lot of sense. He could be injured or something. He should take some time and heal up and make sure you aren’t ready for him.
Kingpin – The movie is about two hours long. There’s not enough time for that.
Sycophant – Right! [[leaves]]
Daredevil – Okay, you and me big guy! [[this goes about as well as can be expected with an injured shoulder and a giant hulk [but not that one, or that one, or that one either] of a man and he ends up being unmasked]]
Kingpin – The blind lawyer? Are you @$&#ing kidding me? Well, I think it’s safe for me to monologue for a few minutes about why I killed your dad and girlfriend because I’m sure there’s nothing in my office that would give you some kind of advantage over me in a fight.
Daredevil – You mean like shattering all your expensive built-in wall fountains and using the droplets to triangulate your position?
Kingpin – Damn it. [[Daredevil shatters all the wall fountains and the water stays on just long enough for him to cripple the Kingpin]] Okay, so are you going to kill me now?
Daredevil – Oddly enough, no. I mean, I threw a scumbag on the tracks to get cut in half by the C train, I threw Bullseye out of a window onto a car, and while you are ultimately responsible for all the bad things that have occurred, it turns out I am now a better man than I was. So you get to go to jail and feel free to tell all your fellow prisoners you got beat up by a blind dude. I’m sure that will go over well.
Matt (Narrating) – Well, the woman I loved is dead, and I’m sure that reporter is going to reveal my secret identity, but at least my soul has been saved. Hey, I found that necklace Elektra was wearing. Maybe she’s not dead after all.
Urich – And I’m not going to reveal your secret identity. That would totally get you killed, and we need heroes, for a definition of hero that includes guys who let people, granted very scummy people, get cut in half by trains.
Daredevil – That’s as good as it gets here. Some places get a Friendly Neighborhood Spider-man, Hell’s Kitchen gets a guardian devil. Really, it’s totally dark and edgy. I’m sure people will love that.