Fifteen-minute Movie – The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies

or, “Well, better than the first two.”
or, “Tales of Middle-Earth, Part 3 of 3, With a Bit More Stuff Concerning a Hobbit and a Whole Lot of CG Monsters and Battles”
or, “Finally!”

[[Smaug is on his way to make good on his promise and Thorin and Co. watch from the Lonely Mountain]]

Smaug – I am the most awesome creature ever put on the silver screen!  You will never see a more fabulous and impressive dragon than myself!  Watch me put the hurt on these weak and useless humans!  [[And he absolutely does so]]

Tauriel – Come on, everyone, let’s get out of here!  [[She herds Bard’s kids and the four dwarves out of the burning town.]]

Master of Laketown – Remember to load up only gold and boot any terrified or helpless people out of my way!

Wormtongue-Lite – Right!

Bard – A little help here?  [[After an implausible escape involving a bedsheet-rope and the Master, Bard grabs a longbow, some arrows, and heads to the tallest standing structure]]

Kili – Bard’s trying to slay the dragon!

Tauriel – It’ll never work with those arrows!

Bard’s Son – Then I’ll go get the big black ballista arrow!  [[bravely does so and manages to get to Bard right as he runs out of arrows, and then Bard’s bow snaps]]

Bard – *Sigh*  Of course.

Smaug – Ooo, was the widdle human going to kill me with the widdle sticks?

Bard – Are you really taking time out of your rampage to taunt me?

Smaug – Yeah, dragons are f#$%ers that way.

Bard – Okay, fair point.

Smaug – I’m going to burn your town, I’m going to eat your kid, and then I’m going to kill you.  What do you think of that?

[[Bard improvises a slingshot with his broken bow and using his son as a sight]]

Bard’s Son – Um, Dad, is this a good idea?

Bard –  Absolutely not, but this is pretty much our last chance!  So just look me and ignore the giant, fire-breathing monster behind you.

Smaug – Right, because that’s an easy thing to do.  Okay, you’ve got a bigger arrow, but so what?  Do you think some magic talking thrush is going to drop by and tell you about my one single weakness?

Bard – No, that would be silly.  I’ll just spot it while you’re wasting time gloating at me.

Smaug – Wait what?  *TWANG*  [[And the black arrow finds its mark]]  Okay, I did not see that coming.  Son of a….!!!  Best.  Death.  Scene.  EVAR!!!  [[And Smaug’s terrific splashdown pretty much finishes off the remainder of Laketown and incidentally the Master]]

–cue title card–

Bilbo – Wait, what?  The dragon died before the title card even rolled?  I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

Thorin – Why?  The dragon’s dead and I get my kingdom back.  Seems like a pretty big win to me.  Okay, my first order as king is to get everyone looking for the Arkenstone!

Bilbo – Weren’t your nephews and two of your best friends in the town that just got completely devestated by the dragon?  Aren’t you the least bit sad or worried?

Thorin – I can’t hear you over the sound all this gold is making!

Lake Shore:
[[Bard and son manage to survive the fire, the fall, and the freezing water to be reunited with the rest of the gang.]]

Wormtongue-Lite – Well, since the Master’s dead, I’m in charge now.

Citizens – No, and we’ll hang you for helping that jerk!

Bard – No, no we won’t!

Citizens – You slayed the dragon!  You be our king!

Bard – I’m not your king!  I’m just, you know, looking after everyone until we can elect a new master, okay?

Citizens – Oh, alright.

Bard – Now, everyone salvage what you can and prepare to march to the remains of Dale, which is in fact at the north end of the lake so what the hell ruins was I rowing through in the last movie?  Anyway, I know ruins aren’t the best place to hang out, but that’s more shelter than we’ve got here.  This is no way reminiscent of the march to Helm’s Deep.

[[The dwarves grab a boat and prepare to go to the mountain to see if anyone’s alive]]

Kili – I love you and here’s a rock that’s a token of my affection; this is in no way like Arwen giving her necklace to Aragorn.

Tauriel – I don’t understand your dwarf language.

Kili – Right.  Anyway, you know where to find me.

Legolas – Tauriel…

Tauriel – Awkward…

[[The dwarves depart]]

Elfy Messenger – Tauriel is banished and your father has ordered you back home.

Legolas – Tell Dad to get to hell for me, okay?  Come on, Tauriel, let’s go track down that orc I was following at the end of the last movie whose name is Bolg apparently.

Lonely Mountain:
Bilbo – I’m so happy to see you Kili, Fili, Crazy Hat Dwarf Who is Bofur Actually, and, er, Doc, I guess?  Anyway, Thorin has caught gold fever, I mean, er, dragon sickness and he’s totally obsessed with finding the Arkenstone instead of you know, trying to find some food!  [[But the other dwarves are entranced by the money bin, I mean, treasure vault]]  Maybe I should just give Thorin the Arkenstone back.

Wormtongue-Lite – Well, we’re all going to die now.  You suck.

Bard – Why are you here again?  Anyway, we’ve got some shelter but no food.  Oh, and there’s an army of wood elves here too.  How did you miss them?

Wormtongue-Lite – Hey, you shouldn’t have put me on watch.  It’s obvious I’m a moron.

Bard – Fair point.

Thranduil – I’ve brought some supplies for your people.

Bard – That’s great, thanks so much!

Thranduil – Actually, this is just payment for quartering my army while we prepare to go fight anything that’s in that mountain and take the gold.

Bard – Oh, er, are you sure that’s a good idea?

Thranduil – Yes, of course.

Bard – Listen, my people are owed some money too.  Our whole town was destroyed!  But in case anyone’s still alive in there, let me try to talk to them and maybe settle this peacefully?

Thranduil – You think you can talk sense into a dwarf over matters of gold and gems?  Good luck with that.

The Lonely Mountain:
Bard – So I’m guessing you guys lived since it looks like the gate got rebuilt, kind of.

Thorin – What do you want?

Bard – Well, I slayed the dragon you woke up that killed a bunch of people and totally destroyed our town.

Thorin – So you leveled up, so what?  What do you want?

Bard – Just the money you promised us when we gave you food, shelter, and supplies to go on this quest which, if may remind you, resulted in the destruction of our entire town!

Thorin – Go to hell!

Bard – You gave your word!

Thorin – Yeah, that was before I had all this sweet, sweet loot!  [[The rest of the party stares at him in horror]]  What, like you wouldn’t do that same?  Anyway, keep looking for that Arkenstone while I figure out how to get word to the reinforcements we’re going to need.

[[Bard rides back in frustration]]

Thranduil – Told you so.

Bard – Shut up.

Dol Goldur:
Gandalf – This totally sucks.  I should have brought some back-up or something.

Radagast – You’ve got me, sort of.  Maybe.  Actually, it’s not very clear where I am or what I’m doing.  Well, that’s pretty much par for my character for this entire trilogy. I’ll be back in a minute, I guess. [[leaves]]

Random Minion – I’m going to kick your ass old man!

Galadriel – And I’m going to kick yours. [[One empowered magic missile to the face and he goes off the cliff; she picks up Gandalf and prepares to carry him to safety]]

Sauron – Oh, I don’t think so.  Ringwraiths, attack her!  Gandalf won’t help her and she’s all alone.

Galadriel – What am I, stupid?  Of course I’m not alone.

[[Elrond and Saruman emerge to kick transparent Ringwraith butt while Radagast shows up with his magic rabbit sled to carry Gandalf to safety]]

Gandalf – Come with me, my lady.  It’s clear this place is killing you.

Galadriel – Are you flirting with me?

Gandalf – I have no idea.  Yes, maybe?  Our interaction just doesn’t make any sense.

Galadriel – Yeah, this is just awkward.  You get out of here and we’ll take care of this.

[[Galadriel appears to be wiped out after one spell but Elrond and Saruman take out the ghosts of the Ringwraiths but Sauron rallies and re-manifests them to ready a second attack]]

Elrond – Okay, this wasn’t in the plan.  Thoughts?

Saruman – Erm, yeah, I got nothing.

Galadriel – Screw this!  [[goes into nega-Galadriel mode]]  I am seven-thousand years old!  I have fought in great wars!  I wield Nenya, the Ring of Adamant!  I am the mightiest and fairest of all Elves remaining in Middle-Earth!  And I am going to kick your ghostly ass back to the wastes of Mordor!  [[And she totally does so, although this pretty much drains her power]]  We should go after him.

Saruman – He doesn’t have the ring.  He’s no real threat to us.  Elrond, you take care of Galadriel.  I’ll go make sure Sauron will never be a threat to us ever, ever again.  Yep, no worries.  I’ve got it all taken care of.

Gandalf – Radagast, go get help!  I’m riding to the Lonely Mountain to warn everyone about the orc army!

The Lonely Mountain:
Thorin – Where the hell is that rock?  I must have it!  It’s precious to me, but not like a magic ring or anything.

Bilbo – Balin, what’s wrong?

Balin – Gold fever, er, dragon sickness.  It’s got him bad, just like his father and grandfather.  There’s no talking sense to him.

Bilbo – What if the Arkenstone was, um, “found?”  Would that help?

Balin – No, it wouldn’t.  In fact, I think it’s better if the Arkenstone stays “lost.”

Bilbo – Oh.

Tauriel – This place sucks.  Why are we here again?

Legolas – It’s the entrance to the ancient kingdom of Angmar.  There shouldn’t be anyone here though.

Tauriel – I just saw a light in the window.

Legolas – Damn it!  We’ll wait until dark to investigate further.  My father fought in the last great war and my mother died here.  Her body was never found.  There’s no grave or marking of any kind.

Tauriel – Well, this awkwardly placed exposition explains a lot about your dad.

Gandalf – So there’s this huge army of orcs coming to wipe everyone out.

Bard – Wow, that sounds serious.

Thranduil – You can’t trust wizards.  He’s exaggerating.

Bard – Well, hopefully Thorin will come to his senses and we can fight with the dwarves if it comes to that.

Thranduil – He is not going to come to his senses.  He’s a dwarf, and there’s gold involved.

The Lonely Mountain:
Thorin – Bilbo, come here.  You need some armor too.  Take this mithril shirt.

Bilbo – Thanks, but I look stupid in this.  I’m not a warrior.

Thorin – It’s fine, really.  By the way, I think one of the dwarves must have taken the Arkenstone.

Bilbo – They’re your family and friends!  Are you mad?

Thorin – Maybe I am.  Or maybe I’m not mad enough.  Anyway, watch out for them and I will kill whoever took that stone.

Bilbo – Yeah, you’re completely insane.  And I’ve got a very bad idea.  [[He sneaks away in the middle of the night to the command tent in Dale]]

Bilbo – Hey, Gandalf, long time no see.  Hey, Bard, thanks for slaying that dragon.  That was really cool, really.  Hi, your Majesty.

Thranduil – You stole the keys from my guards in the wine cellar.

Bilbo – … yeah, um, sorry about that.  Anyway, I’ve come to try to stop this senseless fight.  Here’s the Arkenstone.  You can probably ransom that back to Thorin for your fair share of the treasure.

Gandalf – That’s a brilliant idea.  But you better not go back to the mountain.

Bilbo – Feh, what’s the worst that could happen?

Tauriel – So are we doing anything here?

[[Suddenly the sky is filled with bats and horns sound and an army marches out]]

Tauriel – Tell me those aren’t battle bats.

Legolas – Okay, I won’t tell you that.  Anyway, we’d better get back to my dad and warn him there’s an army on the way.

Lonely Mountain:
Thorin – What do you want?

Bard – To end this peacefully.  We’ll trade you the Arkenstone for our fair share of the treasure, and the elves’ treasure as well.

Thorin – It’s a trick!  That can’t be the Arkenstone!

Bilbo – Actually, it is the real deal.  I picked it up and I was going to give it to you but then I saw how crazy you were acting so I figured this was the best way to try to prevent you from doing something awful.

Thorin – I’m going to kill you!  [[Attempts to do so]]

Gandalf – Thorin, do you mind not damaging my burglar?  By the way, do you really think this is how a king should be acting?

Thorin – Shut up!  You’re not the boss of me!  You damn hobbit, you get out of here!

Bilbo – Yeah, I can do that.  Wow, that went way worse than I predicted.

Bard – So what are you going to do?

Thorin – Wait for the convenient arrival of an entire army of dwarves to fight with me.

[[Enter the Iron Hills dwarves with their leader Dain on his battle boar]]

Thranduil – Battle boar?  Really?

Dain – Yer onna battle moose, laddie!

Thranduil – It’s a battle elk, you idiot!

Dain – Whatever, you great pansy!  Don’a be makin’ fun o’ my battle piggy!

Bilbo – Maybe we can reason with the Scottish dwarf?

Gandalf – No, he’s more unreasonable than Thorin.

Bilbo – Well, I’m out of clever ideas.  You?

Azog – Too much talking!  Now we destroy you!

Bilbo – What the…?  How did they build that giant signal tower right next to us and no one even noticed?  I mean, I’m just the burglar here.  Don’t you guys have scouts or something?

Bard – My scouts didn’t even notice the elf army walk up on us.  I don’t know what their excuse is though.

Thranduil – Shut up.

Random orc – Alright, we’ve got wormsign! [[and giant rock-eating worms burrow tunnels under the mountains that the orcs just swarm out of]]

Bilbo – WTF?  They have giant rock-eating worms??  Who just go away instead of attacking us?  Well, that’s good, I guess.

Dain – Okay, laddies, let’s bust some orc heads before we bust some elf heads!  Shield wall, up!

Gandalf – Thranduil, you aren’t just going to let the dwarves fight the orcs alone, are you?

Thranduil – Maybe.

Bilbo – Gandalf, is this a good place to stand?

Bard – Oh, come on!  Do you think the orcs will stop at the dwarves?

Thranduil – Maybe.

Bilbo – I mean, I’ve never been in a battle before.  I don’t have a horse or anything to run away.

Gandalf – Stop being such a whiner!

Thranduil – It’s my army and I can do what I want, so neh!

Bilbo – Should I go find shelter in the town or something?  This is looking pretty serious and I really don’t want to die.

Gandalf/Bard – Get out there damn it!

Thranduil – *sigh*  Fine.

[[The elves jump the shield wall and engage in melee combat and even though every single soldier was shown as being armed with a bow and a quiver of arrows, not a single arrow is fired in the entire battle; isn’t that the point of having a shield wall?!?]]

Head Tattoo Dwarf – Um, Thorin, our fellow dwarves are out there dying.  Shouldn’t we go help?

Thorin – No, we need to fortify ourselves in here until we find that Arkenstone.

Head Tattoo Dwarf – No disrespect intended, but what the hell is wrong with you?

Thorin – You’re a traitor!  Get out of here before I kill you!  [[the dwarf leaves and Thorin has a mental breakdown in the room they tried to smother the dragon in and finally shakes off gold fever, er, dragon sickness]]  Okay, I’ve reconsidered.  Let’s get out there and fight.

Crazy Hat Dwarf Who is Bofur Actually – Oh, well, we’d better get fully armored up again…

Thorin – There’s no time for that.  Let’s go! [[they join the battle and Thorin has time to hug his cousin Dain but the entire town is overrun and attacked in a way that does not at all resemble the Siege of Gondor]]  Okay, this is going really badly.  Time to kill Azog.  That should totally demoralize the orcs!  Kili, Fili, and, um, you other dwarf, let’s grab these convenient battle goats and head to the signal tower!

Bilbo – Um, what are they doing?

Gandalf – Oh, Thorin, Kili, Fili, and Dwalin…

Bilbo – Dwalin!  So Head Tattoo Dwarf is Dwalin!  I’m making a note of that.

Gandalf – Anyway, he’s going to kill the orc leader.  That should help.

Thrandiul – This totally sucks!  I knew I should have left when the orcs showed up.  I’m getting the hell out of here.

Tauriel – And you’ll just leave the dwarves to die?

Thrandiul – Yeah, that was kind of the plan.

Tauriel – You’re a horrible person!  Their lives mean as much as anyone’s!

Thrandiul – Just because you think you’re in love with a dwarf doesn’t mean they’re worth fighting for.  You’ll get over him.

Tauriel – What the hell do you know about love?  I’ll kill you! [[pulls her bow on him]]

Thrandiul – Wow, okay, I did not see that coming. [[he easily disarms her]] But I am the king.  Now what?

Legolas – Dad, leave her alone.  There’s a bunch of orcs coming from the other side of the mountain.  Tauriel, let’s go take them out.  [[they head off]]

Thrandiul – *Rolls eyes*  Teenagers.

Gandalf – Oh, no!  Thorin and company are headed into a trap.  Someone needs to warn them!

Bilbo – I’ll do it.

Gandalf – Um, how?

Bilbo – Mad burglar skillz.  Don’t worry.  [[slips behind a convenient wall, puts on the ring, and heads out]]

Bard – Wormtongue-lite, are you still in this movie?

Wormtongue-lite – Yes.  I provide valuable comic relief and a cowardly foil to your brave nobility.

Bard – Um, I don’t think either of those is necessary, actually.  I think you’re just a useless distraction who should have been edited out.

Wormtongue-lite – *Pbffft*

Thorin – I was expecting a bunch more orcs, actually.  Let’s split up and search for clues.

Dwalin – Um, listen, for anyone who’s read the book, this is going to seem like a really, really poor idea.

Thorin – What’s the worst that could happen?  Kili, Fili, go scout.  [[They do so]]

Bilbo – Guys, guys!  It’s a trap!  There’s another army of orcs led by Bolg coming this way!

Dwalin – Of course.

Azog – Hey, Thorin, look what I found!  [[Holds up Fili]]  I’m totally going to kill this character who was largely neglected in the first two movies and only marginally built up in this movie to cause an emotional impact when he dies!

Thorin – Please don’t do that!

[[And Azog totally kills Fili; the audience feels kind of bad]]

Kili – You killed my brother!  Prepare to die!  [[thus he starts his roaring rampage of revenge]]

Bilbo – Maybe we should get out of here?  Anyone?  No?  Okay…  Maybe I should put my magic ring on before someone sees me and knocks me out… [[and he’s promptly knocked out but nonetheless ignored by all the orcs]]

Tauriel – Kili is in trouble!  I have to go help him!

Legolas – Really?

Tauriel – I’m sorry, but I prefer the dwarf over you.  [[She runs off]]

Legolas – Thousands of fangirls would disagree!  Damn it.  Well, I’ll get the high ground here and actually use my bow and arrows!  [[hitches a ride on a battle bat and does just that; and of course he’s remarkably effective with his arrows]] So why aren’t all the elves doing this again?

[[In the meantime, Kili and Tauriel end up in a fight with Bolg that results in Kili’s death; since Kili had more story and screen time, the audience feels pretty bad about this; Tauriel’s roaring rampage of revenge is cut short when she and Bolg tumble off a cliff and it’s clear he’s going to kill her after all]]

Legolas – Damn it!  [[uses a stupid troll to knock down his tower precisely enough to make a bridge to take on Bolg himself]]

Thorin – Where the hell did Azog go?  Why am I wasting valuable screen time taking out orc minions?

Bard – Okay, people, let’s rally one last time and try to drive these unstoppable orc hordes out of the ruins of our town!  Even though we’ve been completely ineffective so far, this time will surely be different!

Citizens – Rock on!

[[Legolas finally takes out Bolg in a scene that is only slightly video-game-like and Thorin runs out of minions to kill and Azog shows up again]]

Thorin – Finally!  What the hell took you so long?

Azog – I was just bringing my army in, that’s all.

Thorin – Dude, what happened to your hand?  It looks like you removed the crude prosthetic and just jammed a sword through the stump.

Azog – Yeah, and it looks totally bad-ass.

Thorin – Okay, either you guys have superpowered immune systems, or you’ve got some kind of super-antibiotics to keep you from dying from infected wounds.  I mean, it’s obviously not your impeccable hygiene that would prevent infection.

Azog – So you’re calling me a filthy orc?

Thorin – Yes.

Azog – I will totally kill you and everyone you know and… huh, it looks like there’s another army on the way.

[[And the eagles fly in with Radagast and Beorn on their backs; a CG Beorn jumps off the CG eagle to turn into a CG bear and fight a bunch of CG orcs; I’m so glad both of these characters were included]]

Azog – Okay, well, I’ll still totally kill you.

[[And they have an overly long and complicated fight scene on ice in which Thorin appears to win through cleverness but not really and finally murderstabs the hell out of Azog although he suffers a fatal wound in the process]]

Bilbo – Oh, my head hurts.  Oh, hell, Thorin!  Thorin!  I, um, whoa, that’s a lot of blood, and I, um, must resist urge to hurl…

Thorin – Hi, Bilbo.  So I’m dying, and I wanted to say I’m really sorry for being so mean to you, and in no way is this scene like Boromir’s death at the end of “Fellowship” down to using almost one of the same lines.

Bilbo – Don’t die!  I’m sorry I made such a mess of everything.  I wanted to stop the fighting!

Thorin – Oh, no, there was nothing you could do.  The external forces demanding an overly long battle scene were too great.  But if more people valued home over gold, this would be a better place.   *dies*

Bilbo – Thorin!  Thorin!  Don’t die!  I’ll get some help.  I’ll get someone, anyone… Thorin… [[Bilbo breaks down crying; the audience is geniunely sad]]

[[In the meantime, Tauriel is having a total meltdown over Kili’s dead body]]

Tauriel – Your Majesty, have you come to be a total jerk again?

Thrandiul – No.  I’m surveying the damage.  You’re already in great pain, and that’s clearly because your love for that dwarf you knew for like, three hours, was real.


Legolas – Dad, I can’t go back to Mirkwood.  You’ve been through war before, but I haven’t, and Tauriel broke my heart, and I’m all kinds of angsty right now.

Thrandiul – You should go to the north and find the Dunedain, the rangers.  You should especially find one called Strider.  I think you two will get along and be able to help each other out quite a bit.

Legolas – Thanks, Dad.  And that’s the only tie-in to the original set of movies that doesn’t feel overly forced or contrived.

Thrandiul – Glad to help.

Lonely Mountain:
Bilbo – Well, I’d better get going.  I’ll just slip out quietly.  It’s not as though anyone will miss me in the movies that were supposed to be about my story.

Balin – Oh, you should say goodbye to everyone.

Bilbo – Goodbye Balin, Dwalin, Crazy Hat Dwarf Who Is Bofur Actually, and, um, the other seven of you guys I’ve gotten to know and care for so much over this eight hour journey.  So, tea’s at four and drop by any time. [[he heads out]]

Gandalf – So about that magic ring…

Bilbo – I thought you failed your perception and sense motive checks.

Gandalf – No, I didn’t, but you did when I made my bluff checks.  Magic rings are dangerous and you shouldn’t use that one if you know what’s good for you.  It’s not as though it’s a long lost artifact of ancient evil or anything.

Bilbo – Um, well, that doesn’t matter because I lost it during the battle.

Gandalf – *Rolls eyes* Okay, if that’s how you’re going to be…  I’ll see you around.

Bilbo – Laters!

The Shire:
[[And Bilbo’s estate is being sold off]]

Bilbo – What the hell is all this?

Auctioneer – You’re supposed to be dead, so there’s no reason to let all this stuff go to waste.

Bilbo – I’m not dead and I want my stuff back!

Auctioneer – Well, this is highly irregular.

Bilbo – Okay, getting there wasn’t great but getting back again to find half my belongings sold off is pretty lousy too.  But I’ve still got my ring…

[[And the looooooong flashback that is the bulk of the movies ends and the final scene is, fittingly enough, the first scene from “Fellowship” as told from Bilbo’s point of view]]

–fade out, and it’s about dang time too–


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S. J. Drew is an aspiring writer who finally entered the blogosphere to shamelessly promote that writing (as evidenced by the title of the blog). Whether or not this works remains to be seen, but S. J. hopes you are at least entertained. And if you're actually reading this, that's probably a good sign.

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