A Comic Book/Movie Entry – Random Thoughts of the Midweek: Random-rok

Thor on Vacation
I know that the upcoming “Thor 3” is somehow a buddy road trip featuring Thor, Loki, and the Hulk in a quest to figure out where Odin has disappeared to. My questions 1) how does this team-up happen and 2) with Freya so ignominiously fridged, who’s running Asgard? But I came across this trailer (yeah, yeah, I’m behind the times) that isn’t canon but explains why Thor and Hulk weren’t in “Captain America 3: Avengers 2.5.” I guess this is the end of Bruce and Tony’s science-based bromance.

Spider-man: Homecoming
My only objection is that this movie seems to be taking elements from Miles Morales’ origin story, and I’d really rather just see Miles on the big screen in that’s the case. But otherwise, the actor seems perfect, Tony Stark is a jackass, the Vulture and Shocker look like legitimate threats instead of just guys in doofy costumes, and the trailer explains why Peter is so reckless – he’s a teenager out to prove himself, and that is very dangerous indeed. I just hope Iron Man doesn’t take up too much screen time. And if this movie skips over the death of Uncle Ben, I will be very pleased indeed.

Guardians of the Galaxy: Vol. 2
Guardians of the Galaxy is one of my favorite movies for many, many reasons. I probably won’t write a parody summary of it, though, because it’s meant to be funny as is. Parodies are more fun with serious movies. However, if I did, it would be alternately titled, “Peter Quill’s New Groove” because of how important the soundtrack is. Music is almost a character. That, and much other awesomeness, mean the sequel has a lot to live up to. The first trailer really didn’t catch my attention. It appears Drax is trying to learn how not to be socially inept (and mostly failing) and that’s really all that stuck with me. The second trailer is much, much better. Notably the music is much more prominent. It’s also full of little callbacks to the first which give me hope the film makers understand why the first was so successful. And of course, baby Groot. Yes, yes, I know Disney is going to merchandise the hell out of that, and I will be right there to throw in my hard-earned cash. I hope, “I want some tape to cover the death-button” ends up on a t-shirt.

That second trailer is going to be my go-to happy place to get me through the rest of the year. “I am Groooooooot!”

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A Comic Book Entry – Passing the Torch

Before the rant, I’d just like to say Weird Al continues to be awesome, and has  rescued a very catchy melody from a very creepy/gross song with “Word Crimes.”  Go  see his videos.  It’s Mandatory Fun!

Okay, on with the rant.

Continue reading A Comic Book Entry – Passing the Torch

Fifteen-minute Movie – Thor: The Dark World

or, “Any Movie is in a Dark World When you Film Through a Gray Filter”

Continue reading Fifteen-minute Movie – Thor: The Dark World

A Comic Book Entry – Let’s Look at Thor: God of Thunder #21

Ah, Marvel subscriptions. The gift that keeps on giving even when you’ve cancelled the subscription. I’m not really trying to take Linkara‘s job, but these things are almost literally falling into my lap… Anyway, I already discussed the FF; this is the other comic that randomly showed up in my friend’s mailbox. The FF disappointed me due the major flaw in the cliffhanger/story hook. This comic is in an entirely different category. The FF comic actually wasn’t all that bad except for the flaw I mentioned. But this Thor comic? Oh, my, this is something else. This is a mess of fridge and chomper logic and lazy writing and contrivances. Where to begin?

1) In the future, Thor is the new Odin, the Earth is fundamentally a dead world, and Galactus has come to consume the burnt-out planet.

This is apparently the framing device or longer arc in which the rest of the story takes place. First, I would like to note that I am indeed confused. However, as a long-time (I won’t say how long) comic book fan, this is not off-putting to me. This is expected. I’m reading a random comic and I don’t expect this to explain everything. In theory, this should get me hooked to read the rest of the story. Of course, the reason I am confused is that this scenario doesn’t really jive with the established continuity. Thor, even with the Odin-power, should not be powerful enough for Galactus to take notice (hell, after being attacked by all the Asgardians a few years back, Galactus’s response was, “Huh. That kind of stings;” also he turned Hercules into an amoeba once). Also, a dead planet shouldn’t be particularly appealing to Galactus even if he is bitter about not consuming the Earth earlier. Also, recent FF’s indicate Galactus is going to help Franklin Richards start the next universe. Also also, I’m not sure why Thor, who is Asgardian, is the only living thing left on Earth. However, this is just the framing device. I expect gaps and certain logic problems because I don’t have the whole story. As for the rest of this…

2) Thor is an eco-terrorist because his new human girlfriend is a hardcore environmentalist.

Okay, I’ll buy that, but not for much. The Asgardians haven’t really been big on that sort of thing because of their magic and advanced technology, but Thor does have a history of doing stupid things, and as cliched as it is, doing stupid things for love.

3) He expresses his eco-terrorism not by protests or small-scale vandalism or breaking and entering, but by blowing up chemical and petrochemical factories, specifically Roxxon’s since they are the biggest manufacturer in the Marvel universe.

This goes back to “Thor does stupid things.” However, unless the writers are completely ignorant as to how petrochemical factories operate, this means Thor is killing a bunch of people. In fact, Thor could in theory kill thousands of people if he blows up a chemical plant in a populated area and a chemical cloud blows across a residential area. I’m not being alarmist here; I have a friend who grew up in Houston, Texas, and his school had fire drills, tornado drills, and chemical plant drills. He was taught, in school, what the sirens from the nearby chemical plant meant and what to do. One of them was a hydrofluoric acid alarm. A bit of Google-fu on “what hydrofluoric acid does to humans” will haunt your nightmares…

So, while Thor isn’t always the most careful of superheroes, he also isn’t a stone-cold killer. So here we have a case of lazy writing because a) the creative team couldn’t bother to look up anything about petrochemical manufacturing to understand the consequences (isn’t this what an editor is for?) or b) the creative team doesn’t know anything about Thor’s character. Thor’s compassionate enough and down-to-Earth enough to date a mortal, and yet is perfectly okay with killing a bunch of them? As bad as Roxxon is, most of the people who work for Roxxon are not supervillains; they’re mostly average people doing a job.

4) Thor blows up factories, probably kills bunches of people, and the Avengers and SHIELD are doing practically nothing. Oh, and Thor’s girlfriend? She’s a SHIELD agent!

No matter what Thor’s reasons, he’s essentially gone all vigilante and is destroying billions of dollars of property and killing hundreds of people with the potential of killing thousands or tens of thousands. Even if the creative team really doesn’t understand that people would be dying, that doesn’t mean Thor’s rampage is any less criminal. Move along, move along, no consistency to see here…

Okay, I exaggerate a bit. And his girlfriend, who apparently is encouraging him to take out Roxxon, is the one who is there to arrest him as Roxxon mercenaries fail to kill him (where is the sanctioned SHIELD team again?). Um, yeah, no. First of all, if she’s encouraging this behavior (smashing factories), she’s conspiring with him which makes her a guilty party. Second, if he took her remarks out of context and is striking out on his own to impress her (i.e., “Thor does stupid things”), then she needs to recuse herself of working with him at all. Neither military nor law enforcement are allowed to work on cases they are personally invested in (although most media, when this is acknowledged, handwaves it away for the sake of drama; this isn’t even handwaved).

5) Roxxon’s factories fly through the power of diesel engines.

Okay, technically this isn’t said explicitly.  However, these factories churn out clouds of noxious gases so I assume that the power source is some kind of internal combustion engine.  Because why the hell would a cleaner energy source have that much particulate waste?  So, for lack of any other information, I’m assuming these are diesel engines.

Wow. I do not have enough suspension of disbelief to begin to go along with this. I allow myself to believe the SHIELD helicarrier can fly because it’s got advanced repulsor engines or some other technobabble to power it. But diesel engines? DIESEL ENGINES? Airplanes don’t use diesel engines! And I’m supposed to believe an entire factory is somehow being propelled through the air by diesel engines???

*headdesk*

Gentle readers, I assume you have passed by a factory sometime in your life. You understand that even a small factory is probably the size of a city block. And yet Marvel asks us to believe a city block (at least!) can be made to fly through the air using diesel engines. Larger factories can measure in the square miles. My Houstonian friend, the one mentioned above, grew up next to a chemical factory so large that it had its own power plant (not generator; power plant). But diesel engines are enough to power the whole factory and propel it through the air. Chomper logic at its finest.

Even if I try to stretch my disbelief to assume that these factories do have all-out power plants, that only makes this less believable.  Flight is all about a power-to-weight ratio.  There is no conventional engine technology or conventional power source that can possibly overcome the enormous weight of these things (I should add these factories also appear to float the very rock they were built on too).  ARGH!

6) The evil CEO of Roxxon (who is a minotaur) conspires to punish Thor by moving all of Roxxon’s flying factories to Broxton, Kansas (where Asgard is currently located) and polluting the air. And he does so.

I should point out the least disconcerting part of the above statement is that the CEO of Roxxon is an actual minotaur who has a human disguise. This, I think, tells the uninitiated everything they need to know about comic books.

So the creative team has never heard of the Environmental Protection Agency? Weird, since I’m pretty sure that’s been around since the ’70s. The air in Broxton turns dirtier than Bejing (topical!) and there are absolutely no consequences. Yes, yes, I under that political influence interferes in the administration of the law (although I doubt a diesel-powered flying factory [which is not possible] would be permitted to be built in the first place for so many reasons not the least of which is pollution); however, some things clearly do not stand. A bit of Google-fu on recent environmental disasters would show pollution of the magnitude these factories represent would not be tolerated in the US. Also, it seems this whole thing is somehow tied in with the burnt-out Earth of the future. If this plot is some kind of heavy-handed environmental message (pollution is bad), then it’s even weirder there’s no mention of the various governmental agencies and citizen groups (Google-fu the Keystone Pipeline [double topical!]) who would be trying to stop this kind of rampant pollution and, I can’t emphasize this enough, law-breaking (why yes, it is indeed illegal to pollute).

Also, the creative team clearly doesn’t hold stock in any major corporation. I should point out in the story that another suit asks the CEO why he would move trillions of dollars of assets (i.e., the flying factories) to Broxton knowing there is a very good chance Thor will just blow them up, restraining order against Thor notwithstanding. The CEO replies that he doesn’t care. CEOs lose their jobs when they make decisions that cost the company a great loss of assets. I’m pretty sure losing one or more of these ridiculous flying factories would be cause to call a shareholders meeting to vote this guy out. Hell, moving everything to Broxton in the first place should be reason enough to vote him out. It turns out that there’s more to running an industry than having a physical building to produce goods. Other matters to consider include supplies, shipping, labor force, etc. There’s no infrastructure in Broxton to support the industry which means the costs to manufacture and ship goods (both in and out) is going to be astronomical. Believe me, this CEO is not making his quarterly profit goal.

Again, fridge logic (and to people with more financial/environmental experience than I, possibly even chomper logic).

7) Thor tries to settle with Roxxon, showing that Asgard has more treasure than Scrooge McDuck’s moneybin. Roxxon refuses to settle, of course, and then they sue Thor, and Thor doesn’t pursue any other legal options.

Truly, money is an underrated superpower. Thor could hand the lawyers gold bars and aside from the settlement offer, doesn’t think to hire his own lawyers? And it’s not as though he doesn’t know some very good lawyers like Matt Murdock or Jennifer Walters. Hell, Murdock would love to work a case that actually results in a paycheck, even if corporate law isn’t exactly his area of expertise.  And Jen actually is an expert in corporate law.   Based on my limited knowledge of the law, I can think of several ways a good lawyer could deflect, delay, and possibly get the suit dismissed. And the best part is that as long as the suit continued, it would be a drain on Roxxon’s finances, which again looks really bad for the CEO. But alas no, learning how corporations work on a basic level might involve all of twenty minutes of research on the part of the writer or editor. Instead, just ignore that. The result is just more fridge logic and contrivance.

Conclusion:
At least it was free. This wouldn’t be worth my money and it wasn’t really worth my time except as something to riff on because it was so bad. While money can be made in making fun of bad media, I’m pretty sure that is not actually Marvel’s business plan. I’m glad I didn’t spend $4 on this mess, and I think that’s the most damning statement I can make about it.

A Comic Book Entry – Excelsior!

Or, “Of such gossamer things are legends created.”

So, I’m an idiot and I’m not ashamed to admit my ignorance on the internet (that seems to be the national past-time of many a celebrity).  I’m also doubly ashamed because I wrote a whole screed on  not doing research and yet here I am, hanging my head.  For some reason, I thought Iron Man’s origin was that Tony Stark was in an iron lung and turned it into an awesome suit.  About three seconds of Google-fu would have set me straight, but I couldn’t be bothered.  Then a co-worker lent me two books, Sons of Origins of Marvel Comics and Bring on the Bad Guys.  And there, in reprinted color glory, was Iron Man’s true origin, which was pretty much re-created for the movie (different bad guys).  And so I was brought low by my own hubris, and lower when I realized this was on display for the whole virtual world to see.

In a comic book, this would be the beginning of my own origin story, the tale of how I became “Captain Otaku” and took to the internets to rectify all errors concerning comic books so that none would ever feel the shame I do in boldly displaying such easily avoided ignorance.  But this isn’t a comic book, and I am not insane (not superhero insane anyway).

So, then, what is this about?  These two wonderful books (the first was Origins of Marvel Comics, which my co-worker did not have).  The first one came out probably in 1973 or 74 (there I go, not checking the Google), and the second (“Sons”) in 1975 and the third (“Bad Guys”) in 1976.  I have no idea if there are more (again, ignoring my own advice).  But these are just fantastic.  I obviously spend a great deal of time pondering how writers think and where they get their ideas and how stories come together (or completely fail).  These provide exactly that insight.  In case you haven’t heard of them, I think this was a quick way for Marvel to make a buck on re-selling the origins of popular characters before tradebacks were a thing.  Stan Lee wrote all the introductions to all the chapters, which were reprints of the origin comics and occasionally a bonus comic.

These are absolutely eye-opening.  First of all, I really get a kick out of Stan’s writing.  He is over the top and grandiose, and it is totally entertaining.  He even gives some of the credit to the various artists who helped define Marvel’s iconic characters; actually, he praises them pretty highly, but I know by that time Jack Kirby had already left Marvel and there was some bad blood.  Still, he’s got a sense of humor – “…so I could add the little dialogue balloons and captions with which I’ve spent a lifetime cluttering up the illustrations of countless long-suffering artists.”  It’s obvious to me even in the mid-70s as Marvel was continuing to rise that Stan was something of a legend in his own mind (or at least wanted to appear that way).  He also takes a pretty cheap shot at DC when describing the thought process behind Iron Man – “As far as I knew, there had never been a costumed comicbook character who was a wealthy and successful businessman.”  Really, Stan?  Somehow you’ve never heard of Batman?  Or maybe Green Arrow?

Granted, some parts of this writing are painful – concerning the naming of the X-men, “…women’s lib wasn’t an issue in those days, and nobody would fault us for the fact that we were callously ignoring the female member of the team – unintentionally to be sure.”  Um, I am fairly certain in 1963 women’s liberation was in fact an issue, and a growing one, even if it didn’t reach the hallowed halls of Marvel’s boys’ club Bullpen.  I should mention though that Marvel Girl was strong enough to show the boys of the manor what was what in her first appearance.  Still, ouch…  Some parts are tongue-in-cheek honest – “Touched by your entreaties, warmed by your enthusiasm, and spurred on by our own gnawing greed…”  And some parts are really enlightening.  For example, the Silver Surfer was apparently an afterthought by Jack Kirby as he and Stan worked on developing Galactus as a Fantastic Four villain.  Kirby just thought Galactus would have a herald, and Stan ran with it.  Concerning Dr. Doom – “Sometimes you’re lucky.  Sometimes you hit a homer first time at bat.”  Can’t argue with that.

These books also highlight Stan’s alliteration fetish and why so many of his heroes/villains have such obvious names.  He says it’s because he likes a name that instantly conjures up a mental image.  Green Goblin, Silver Surfer, Red Skull… he’s got a point.  People who know nothing about those characters can make a guess.  “Seeking a name that suggested lethal menace, I latched onto the word ‘doom…’  Doom Man didn’t seem to do the trick, and Mister Doom didn’t quite have it.  Professor Doom just left me cold, while even the alliterative Donald Doom fell a little short.  But then, scant seconds before I’d be forced to resort to Doom the Dentist, I had it!  Doctor Doom!”  By the by, this means that in my “Conversations that May Have Happened,” I wasn’t actually too far off of the creative process.  I am both elated and somewhat disturbed by this.

The books also give insight on Marvel’s continuity snarls.  Most of the heroes were introduced in origin story comics, but not so much the villains.  Marvel was churning out comics, so villains were introduced to give the hero something to do, but each appearance of the villain made an origin story more difficult to produce because of further constraints.  On the Green Goblin – “Hence, a new character will suddenly pop up in any given story, all set to challenge a hero, fullblown and itching for a fight, with none of us realizing that we’ll be wishing, in years to come, that we had provided an origin tale at the start, which would make life a zillion times easier for me at a time like this.”  Here Stan means trying to recount origin stories, which in the book results in a first appearance comic followed by the actual origin comic which was written sometime later.  Of course, in the case of Dormamuu, they painted themselves into that corner knowingly.

I also have a new appreciation for the artwork.  It is amazing to me in some of the comics presented the difference just a few years (like four or five) can make.  I like Kirby and Ditko’s work, I do, but Gene Colan’s thinner pencil lines look so much more modern, and the difference between Iron Man’s first appearance and his appearance merely four years later is just astounding.  I also appreciate the difficulty of drawing an abstract idea.  Poor Ditko drew the short straw on how the heck to draw the Dark Dimension, but he produced something quite otherworldly.  No one can draw tech like Kirby could.  His SHIELD helicarrier puts a Protoss carrier to shame.

But mostly I like how Stan thinks about his creation.  He says more than a few times that sometimes his creations got away from him (and his co-creators).  He says they set out to write one story and ended up with something else because it felt right.  Now, I’m not sure I agree that my characters ever get out of hand like that and take a life of their own, but I do agree that sometimes the character does dictate the story.  And I totally agree with his view on villainy – “You’ve probably noticed that we always try to motivate our miscreant as much as we do our hero.  We hate to have a varlet doing evil just for the sake of being naughty.  We try to indicate why he does the things he does, what made him the way he is.  And, wherever possible, we may even let him exhibit some decent, likable traits.  In the magic world of Marvel, not even supervillains need be all bad, just as our superheroes are rarely all good; they usually display some natural human failings.”

Of course, I’m not such a raging fan as to think Stan/Marvel got these lofty goals right all the time.  And these were written a mere fifteen years after Marvel really started, which is enough time for perspective, but hardly to be taken as the definitive history.  The times they are still a’ changing and what was revolutionary back in the ’60s is trite and naïve now.  This, however, explains the foundation of fallible superheroes.  I’m not sure how the Man feels about anti-heroes; I’m not sure where his creative control ended although it’s obvious to me he really loves his cameos in the Marvel movies (my vote for best Stan Lee cameo is in FF2).  I still believe heroes should have human failings (but still be heroes) and villains shouldn’t be evil for the sake of being evil.

Indeed, I am a True Believer, and if you can locate these tomes of timeless wisdom, I can’t recommend enough that you do so.  Excelsior!

Fifteen-minute Movie: The Avengers

or, “Thank you Joss Whedon!”

SHIELD R&D:
Nick Fury – So, scientist last seen at the end of Thor, tell me why the cosmic cube thingy you don’t understand is having all these power surges?

Dr. Selvig – Um, you answered your own question.  We don’t understand it.  By the way, why is your SHIELD guy always sitting up on the railing watching us like a hawk?

Fury – Because we don’t actually call him Hawkeye at any point in this movie; we just have an oblique reference.

Barton – Gee, thanks.

Fury – Hey, listen, you’re only here because we need a couple of badass normals in this flick and Ant-man objectively sucks on every level.  You got that?

Barton – Sir, yes, sir.

[[the cosmic cube does more stuff no one understands and Loki, last seen falling to his doom or something, appears out of a doorway of light with a staff-thingy]]

Loki – I’m here to steal the cube, kidnap a bunch of people by brainwashing them with this staff-thingy for what appears to be no good reason, and demolish your entire R&D facility.  Oh, and you can’t stop me.  Watch!

[[Loki takes the cube, kidnaps Selvig and Barton, and wrecks the place although Fury and Maria Hill manage to escape]]

Hill – Now what?

Fury – It’s time for an awesome team-up!

Sketchy Warehouse:
Russian Mob Leader – So, the famous Black Widow is such a poor spy that we managed to capture her.

Barton – She gets a name shout-out and I don’t?  Aw, man, not fair.

Fury – Dude, she actually had a part in Iron Man 2, unlike your one awkward scene in Thor.  Now get out of here!

Russian Mob Thug – Um, okay, weird.  Hey, her phone’s ringing. [[answers it]]

Coulson (phone) – Put Agent Romanoff on the phone before I have the squadron of fighter jets kill you all.

Russian Mob Thug – Um, it’s for you. [[hands phone to the Black Widow]]

Romanoff – Damn it, I told you to never interrupt me when I’m working.  I’ve almost got all the information and I’m about ready to bust out of here.

Russian Mob Leader – Um, excuse me?  What am I missing?  There are three of us, who are all armed, and you, who is not armed and also tied up and about to be pushed into a pit.

Coulson (phone) – I know, I know, but it’s important.  I’ll hold while you finish up.

Romanoff – Fine, fine.  Hey, guys, have you heard of the trope “badass normal?”

Russian Mob Thug 2 – Um, no.

Romanoff – Allow me to demonstrate.  [[the Black Widow proceeds to beat up all three mobsters while mostly tied up to the chair while Coulson listens to the beat-down as though it was a musak version of “The Girl from Iponepa;” then she casually walks away without so much as a run in her pantyhose]]

Stark Tower:
Tony Stark – Man, life is awesome.  I’m awesome, Pepper, you’re awesome, so how could life not be totally awesome?

Coulson – Special delivery.

Stark – Dude, you are totally harshing my mellow.  I’m not getting involved.

Pepper Potts – Yes, you are. [[hands Tony the mission briefing]]  Nice to see you, Phil.

Stark – Phil?  I didn’t know you had a first name.

Coulson – It’s amazing how charming you are even though you’re a complete dick sometimes.

Stark – Yeah, I know, right?  Oooo, the sequel initiative.  I thought I wasn’t qualified.

Coulson – You aren’t.  But Director Fury is desperate.

Stark – Was that a SHIELD burn?

Calcutta:
[[a scruffy distinctly non-Indian dude is lured into a hut where the Black Widow is waiting]]
Romanoff – Dr. Bruce Banner?

Banner – Yeah.  What about it?

Romanoff – Do you, um, look different?  Again?

Banner – Just go with the obvious casting changes.

Romanoff – Okay, fine.  So you have barely contained rage issues that cause catastrophic disasters and you decided to hide out in one of the mostly densely populated cities in the entire world?

Banner – I’ll see your plot hole and raise you another; the whole point of the last movie was that I couldn’t be found and here you are.

Romanoff – Fine, let’s just move this story along without answering any of those questions.

Banner – You want the Hulk, don’t you?

Romanoff – Believe it or not, we actually want one of the world’s foremost experts in gamma radiation.

Banner – That’s flattering, but you could find one who doesn’t have barely contained rage issues that cause catastrophic disasters.

Romanoff – Fine, fine, possibly the Hulk will be useful too.  We’re willing to take the risk.

Banner – Okay, but just so you know, I’m damn near indestructible.  When this inevitably comes back to bite SHIELD on the ass, just know you’re be the ones who will be sorry.

SHIELD Base:
Fury – Listen, I need someone to lead a rag-tag group of super-powered individuals to combat Loki and retrieve the cosmic cube and I think Captain America is just right for the job.  Are you ready to get back into the action, soldier?

Steve Rogers – Sure.  It’s not like I’ve got family or friends or anything to do.  Hell, I’ve been out of circulation for 70 years and don’t even have basic coping skills for this world.

Fury – Wow, when I said save the brooding for the next movie, you sure did.

Rogers – Thank you, sir!

Space:
Chitauri XO – How’s the subjugating Earth thing going, Loki?

Loki – It’s going.  I still get the cosmic cube, right?

Chitauri XO – Sure.  We don’t need it to facilitate our conquest of the galaxy or anything.

Germany:
Rogers – So you’re Howard Stark’s kid?

Stark – Roger, Rogers.  By the way, what’s with that suit?  You should really consider updating to something, you know, this century.

Rogers – *frosty sigh* Yeah, you are totally Howard Stark’s kid.  Let’s get the iridium or whatever before Loki does.

Loki – Worship me, mortals!!!

Stark – At least he’s easy to find.

[[Loki has already gotten the iridium and is wasting time subjugating a crowd of people who really don’t know what the hell is going on.  Cap and Iron Man attack Loki and after a brief fight he surrenders to them]]

Rogers – Okay, something is wrong here.  You are up to something!

Loki – I have no idea what you’re talking about.  I could really use a convenient diversion right now.

[[Thor obliges by smashing down on the aircraft]]

Thor – Please totally ignore the fact the whole plot of my movie is that it was not very easy to get from Asgard to Earth once the Bifrost bridge was destroyed and therefore my presence now is completely unexplainable.  Loki, we’re going home!

Rogers – No, he’s going into SHIELD custody.

Thor – Right, now we’ll fight to establish our strengths relative to each other!

Stark – I am totally up for that!

Rogers – I think this is a terrible idea!

[[It is a terrible idea but Thor, Captain America, and Iron Man mix it up in a way that somehow proves they are all completely equal while Black Widow is left out of the weapon-waving contest (if you know what I mean)]]

Rogers – I hope you idiots are happy!  Loki surely escaped in the confusion!

Loki – Nope, I’m right here.

Rogers – Wait, what?  You didn’t try to escape?  I mean, we were in the middle of an all-out brawl while the Widow was stuck trying not to crash and die.  There was absolutely nothing we could do to stop you from escaping.

Loki – Yeah, well, you know.  Stuff.

Rogers – Okay, this is too suspicious.  I am not taking him anywhere.  [[an intern hands him the script]]  Okay, I guess I am.  Hey, by the way, Thor, how did you know my shield could stop your hammer?  Because if you didn’t know that, you were trying to kill me!

Thor – Oh, look, next scene!

SHIELD Helicarrier, Deck:
Banner – So, you’re putting me on a submarine.  This seems like the worst idea ever. [[the engines fire up]]  Oh, helicarrier.  Okay, I was wrong.  This is the worst idea ever.  Take me to the lab, please.

SHIELD Helicarrier, Lab:
Fury – I want you to study Loki’s staff-thingy.  Also, the cosmic cube emits gamma radiation.  Can you build a device to track it?

Banner – Um, yeah.  I’ll just need multi-modal reflection sorting…

Stark – You speak Technobabble!  I speak Technobabble!  Reverse the polarity!

Banner – Time and relative dimensions in space!

Romanoff – I have to say, those are the last two guys I expected to start a geeked out bromance.

Rogers – I don’t know what that word means because I am bitterly out of touch with modern times, but I’m glad someone can stand Stark’s kid.

Stark – Hey, old man, what’s that supposed to mean?

Rogers – What would you be without your toys?

Stark – Um, awesome.  Dude, seriously, I’ve had two movies to establish how awesome I am.

Rogers – You have no idea what it means to be a hero! [[leaves in a huff]]

Fury – Maybe I should tell him to cut down on the brooding.

SHIELD Helicarrier, Later:
Coulson – Oh my god, it’s him!  It’s him it’s totally him!  Squee!  Wait, wait, Phil.  Be cool.  Be cool.  [[sidles up to Captain America]]  So, hey, you’re awesome.

Rogers – Thanks.

Coulson – I’m Agent Coulson, but you can call me Phil.  I mean, if you want to, but if you don’t, that’s cool, okay?  Okay.  I’ve been a fan since forever.  I mean, I read all the stories about you.  I’ve-I’ve got trading cards.

Rogers – I’m sorry, what?

Coulson – Yeah, mint condition.  You think maybe you could sign one later?

Rogers – I, um, sure, I guess.  Listen, I have a thing. [[quickly moves on]]

Coulson – Stupid, stupid!  I should have waited before asking about the autograph.

SHIELD Helicarrier, Lab:
Banner – I can’t help but notice you just hacked into the helicarrier’s database.

Stark – Well, you know, I was bored and it was there.  But seriously, I want to know what SHIELD is really doing with the cosmic cube.  I mean, I’m the guy leading the world in clean energy with an advanced fusion reactor under my building.  So I just want to find out what they’re doing with it.  Oh, and here’s the answer.

Rogers – [[bursts in]] I got bored and started to poke around and found SHIELD’s been using the cosmic cube to develop weapons.

Stark – Okay, well, that’s not how I did it, but we both got the same answer.  So let’s have a chat with One-Eye.

Fury – So, you hacked into my database and you broke into my weapons storage.  I guess I probably shouldn’t lie.  Since we found out about other alien races, we’ve been building weapons to defend ourselves against them.  And now let’s start the argument over the moral and ethical ramifications.

SHIELD Helicarrier, Cell:
Romanoff – Which the audience won’t have to see as the movie cuts to me in my totally hot and practical catsuit.  So, Loki, what’s your plan?

Loki – You really think I’m going to tell you that?

Romanoff – Okay, so instead I’ll share some very personal information regarding my past relationship with Agent Barton, whom I would very much like to rescue.

Loki – Do you think a trickster god will fall for such a pathetically transparent attempt to manipulate me?

Romanoff – Look, I’m almost in tears.

Loki – Hahahahahaha!  Pathetic mortal.  The Hulk will kill everyone!!

Romanoff – Oh, that’s your plan.  Honestly, that really shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone.  Excuse me, I’m going to try to avert catastrophic disaster.

Loki – Well, either she really did trick me, or I gave her the information she needed because it doesn’t matter at this point.  I’ll leave it to the audience to decide.

[[The Black Widow’s efforts to prevent disaster are thwarted by the staff-thingy which apparently influences moods and then the argument is interrupted by Agent Barton and company disabling an engine in an attempt to recover Loki and/or the plot device; iridium, right?  Whatever, as the lab is blown up and everyone is separated]]

SHIELD Helicarrier, Disabled Engine:
Rogers – Okay, we’re going to have to work together to fix the engine.  And I’d really appreciate it if you could try not being condescending.

Stark – Yeah, I’m not promising anything.  Flip the toggle…I mean, pull the red thingy!

SHIELD Helicarrier, Hallway:
Romanoff – Ouch.  Well, things are definitely bad.  But they can’t get too much worse, right Dr. Banner?  Dr. Banner…

Banner – HULK SMASH!

Romanoff – $#%& me. [[runs the hell away as best she can]]

Banner – Hulk hate stupid flying metal thing and stupid SHIELD agents!  HULK wreck everyTHING!

Romanoff – Badass normal is a little below power levels for this fight.  Could someone with the flying brick power set please fight the Hulk!

Thor – I’ll handle this! [[engages the enraged Hulk; it goes about as well you might expect and only ends when Thor drops him off the helicarrier]]  That was a worthy opponent.  Now to stop Loki!  [[that also goes as well as you might expect and ends when Loki drops Thor, who is trapped in the holding cell, off the helicarrier;  Thor does manage to avoid being squished]]

Loki – What an idiot.

Coulson – I’m going to have to ask you to put down the staff-thingy and surrender.

Loki – You and what army?

Coulson – Well, I do have this gun based off the Destroyer that’s never been fired before.  Is that intimidating enough?  [[Loki stabs him in the back revealing the original to have been an illusion]]

Loki – No.  You are pathetic!  You are…! [[Loki is abruptly blasted out of the helicarrier by the gun]]

Coulson – Well, I’m glad I got to fire that thing before I died.  Colonel Fury, please use my death as a rallying moment for the team, okay?  Name them the Avengers because they’re avenging me and stuff, okay?

Fury – Sure, got it, and hopefully the audience does too.

[[Coulson dies and the audience is sad; we liked Phil]]

Romanoff – Okay, good, the Hulk is off my back and now I can take a breather… [[is attacked by a brainwashed Barton]]  Seriously?  Fine, fine, me and Clint.  [[and that fight goes as well as you might expect and ends when the Black Widow smashes his face against a metal railing and knocks him unconscious]]

SHIELD Helicarrier, Later:
Barton – So it turns out having my head smashed against a metal railing cured the brainwashing.  Who knew?

Fury – We lost Banner, we lost Loki, we lost the cube, we almost lost the damn helicarrier, and we lost Agent Coulson.

Stark – Oh, man, Phil’s dead?  That sucks.

Rogers – I feel kind of bad for not signing his trading cards now.  Okay, it’s time for a heroic speech about how we all need to come together and save the world!

Avengers – Yeah!

Rogers – Um, once we figure out what the hell Loki is going to do.

Stark – He’s clearly going to use the cube to open a door and let the aliens invade.  Of course, there are lots of potential power sources, but he’s going to go for something obvious, like a literal monument to egoism…  Why is everyone looking at me?   Oh, crap, it’s Stark Tower, isn’t it?  Yeah, I need to call Pepper…

New York City:
[[the aliens are invading, the aliens are invading]]
Stark – Aw, right, it’s time for the battle royale!  Yeah!  Hey, who are you again and what’s with the arrows?  Man, I thought Captain WWII was out of touch with modern times.

Barton – *frosty sigh*

Rogers – *frosty sigh*  Go scout your tower and figure out what’s going on.

Stark – Roger, Rogers.

Rogers – Thor, go hold off the alien fleet.

Thor – Verily! [[takes off to fight the alien ships]]

Romanoff – Um, I think we’re still a little short-handed here.

Stark Tower:
Stark – We’re here to avenge Agent Coulson.

Loki – Who with the what now?  Anyway, I have an alien fleet.  How in the world can you hope to win?

Stark – We have a Hulk.

Loki – Hahahaha!!!  No, seriously.

Stark – That’s the answer.  We have a Hulk.  You don’t.  End of story.

Loki – You annoy me so much I’m throwing you out a window. [[does so]]

Stark – You’ll be sorrrryyyy!! [[dons new and improved Iron Man armor and joins in the fray]]

Barton – Hey, what about me?  I want to be relevant!  [[Iron Man drops Barton on the top of a building to keep an eye on things and prove archery doesn’t have to be a lame power; it’s weird with all the guns, but not lame]]  I’m blowing stuff up!

Battle Royale:
Banner – [[casually drives up on a motorcycle]] So, you’ve got a problem and I think I can help.

Romanoff – You really are damn near indestructible!  But last time you Hulked out, you nearly killed all of us.

Banner – Yeah, well, I’m not angry at you guys now.  But I’m mad as hell at them. [[Hulks out in a totally controlled fashion which has never happened with this movie franchise version of the Hulk ever]]  Hulk SMASH! [[which he does and even gets in another pot-shot at Thor because why the hell not?]]

Rogers – Now I’m going to be relevant!  Okay, police, you listen to me and I’ll lead you through this safely.

Random Cop – Who the hell do you think you are?

Rogers – [[saves the random cops’ sorry butts]]  Captain America, damn it!

Random Cop – Okay, you’re the boss.

Romanoff – Give me a lift and I’ll get to Stark tower! [[Captain America does so and the Black Widow manages to get to the top of the tower, where the shielded Cube is beaming portal-energy into the sky]]  Well, there’s the problem.

Selvig – I built in a safety device, even though I was brainwashed.  Use Loki’s staff-thingy to penetrate the shield and hit the off button!

Romanoff – So we just need Loki to drop it.  Like that’s going to conveniently happen…

Banner – HULK smash mean god!

Loki – Hahahaha!  No mortal can harm…

Banner – BAMM!  BAMM!  BAMM-BAMM-BAMM!  [[beats Loki to within an inch of his life; at my showing the entire audience laughed at this]]  Jerk.

Loki – Owww…Stark…was…right…owwww…

SHIELD Helicarrier:
Shadowy Cabal – The Avengers can’t save the city.  We’re nuking it.  We’ve already launched a jet.

Fury – Oh hell no!  [[manages to take out one jet but the Shadowy Cabal apparently planned ahead and sent out two jets armed with nukes]]  Avengers!  You’ve got to end the alien invasion now!

Stark Tower:
Rogers – With all due respect to a commanding officer, what the hell do you thing we’ve been trying to do?  Anyway, Widow, do your thing!

Romanoff – Just…hitting…the button…now…

Rogers – Stark, get the nuke!

Stark – Roger, Rogers.

Rogers – *frosty sigh* Doesn’t that ever get old?

Stark – Nope.  [[retrieves missile]] Hey, I just had a terrible idea.  I’m going to be a true hero!

Rogers – That’s a terrible idea!

[[Iron Man steers the missile into space and to the Chitauri mothership before his armor gives out and he falls right back into the portal before the missile blows up the mothership; Thor catches Iron Man before he falls to his death]]

Romanoff – Barton, you’re up high.  What the hell just happened?

Barton – I don’t know.  Everyone just died!  Everything just stopped working and fell out of the sky like there was a giant off-switch!

Romanoff – So we conveniently don’t have to fight off the rest of this alien army, only clean up the mess?

Barton – Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.  Is Stark dead!

Banner – RAAARRRRWWWR!

Stark – Gah!  I’m awake!  I’m awake!  Okay, so we won?  Great.  Who’s up for lunch?  Anyone?  My treat.

SHIELD, Later:
Shadowy Cabal – Why did you let Thor take Loki and the cosmic cube back to Asgard?  We were going to use that!

Fury – I’m not stupid enough to try to tell a god what to do.  But hey, if you want to try to order him around, be my guest. *crickets chirping*  Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Secret Ending:
Chitauri XO – Okay, that totally didn’t work, although in retrospect we should have learned from The Phantom Menace not to equip the entire damn army with a kill switch.  I think we should leave this planet alone.  They’re insane!  They’re willing to kill everyone!

Chitauri Leader – [[turns, faces screen]]  Good.

Fans Who Recognize Chitauri Leader – GAAAHHHHH!!!

Non-Fans – Who’s the purple guy supposed to be?

Secret Ending 2:
Thor – *nom nom nom*  This is good.  [[everyone else is staring blankly at each other in the wreck of the restaurant]] What’s with you guys?  It’s like you’ve never been in battle before!  You need to just get over it.  *nom nom nom*  Are you going to eat that?

Fifteen-Minute Movie – Thor

or, “Asgardian Frat Boy”

New Mexico:
Jane – There’s an incredibly dangerous electromagnetic storm brewing in the desert. Let’s go drive to it with our instruments!

Selvig – Good idea.

Darcy – Um, no it isn’t…

[[They drive out into the storm which has created a scary vortex of energy from the clouds to the ground]]

Jane – Get closer!

Darcy – Hell no! [[Darcy swerves but hits something falling out of the vortex, which appears to be a blond man in his long underwear]] If he’s dead, I’m telling the cops you were driving.

Jane – Fine, fine, whatever. Hey, he’s not dead. And he’s kind of cute.

Darcy – You are so weird.

Thor – Ugggnnngh??

Asgard/Jotunheim (Flashback):
[[And the Asgardians are at war with the Frost Giants, which seems like a plenty exciting start to a movie so why did the director feel it had to be started with Thor getting hit by a car? I mean, the war is pretty darn cool, no pun intended]]

Odin – Ok, I’ve lost an eye, which isn’t how it happened in the mythology but whatever, and I’m going to take your enormously powerful magic Cask of Winter and force you into a peace treaty which means you stay out of Midgard forever.

Laufey – Stuff it!

Odin – Or I conquer your people and totally kill you.

Laufey – Peace it is. But if any of your people ever behave in a hostile fashion in my lands, we’re going back to war.

Odin – Sounds fair. Hey, a baby. Does this belong to anyone? No, okay, well, I’ll take this little guy back with me. I’m sure that won’t backfire in a horrible manner in several centuries time.

Asgard (Flashback, a few centuries after the war):
[[Odin leads li’l Thor and li’l Loki to the Armory]]

Odin – Boys, this is the Cask of Winter which I took from the frost giants while defending Midgard. One day one of you will be king and have to guard it too.

Li’l Loki – Wow, that’s cool.

Li’l Thor – I want to kick some frost giant ass when I’m king!

Odin – Well, yes, ass-kicking certainly is a purview of kingship, but there are other things…

Li’l Thor – Yeah, kick ass! I’ll be the bestest warrior there ever was. I totally rock and I’m only ten!

Odin – *muttering* I really hope the boy grows out of this…

Asgard (Flashback, almost to present):
Thor – This is the best day ever! I’m a totally awesome warrior who’s going to be the king. Also, I have totally awesome friends in the Warriors Three, and a totally awesome and oddly completely platonic friend in Sif which matches neither mythology nor the source comics but never mind that. And my little brother isn’t half-bad either. Yes, I totally rock. Come on, Dad, give me the crown already. My fans are waiting.

Odin – Oh, hey, listen to that, the intruder alarm has gone off. Well, better postpone this kingship thing so I can personally take care of that.

Thor – But Daaaad, I wanna be the king!

Armory:
[[They proceed to the Armory where a trio of frost giants has gotten in to steal the Cask of Winter]]

Odin – I could do this myself, or use the Destroyer armor as a security system. Yes, that seems awesomer.

[[the Destroyer armor does as its name implies and soon the frost giants are a matter for the janitoral staff to deal with]]

Thor – We should go to Jotunheim and kick their asses! They totally broke the peace treaty!

Odin – We are not going to war. I’ll use diplomatic channels. Right now I’m more worried about how they got here. Heimdall guards the Bifrost bridge and that should be the only way in or out. It’s almost as though someone else let them in…

Loki – Um, so are we done now? I’ve got a thing…

Asgard, Thor’s Clubhouse (or whatever):
Thor – I’m going to Jotunheim to kick some frost giant ass! Who’s with me?

Loki – This is a really bad idea.

Thor – So what?

Sif – No, as much as we hate to say it, Loki’s right.

Thor – Fine. If you don’t come with me I’m going anyway.

Sif – Then we’ll go with you to keep you from getting killed.

Thor – Sweet.

Bifrost bridge:
Thor – Heimdall, open up a gateway to Jotunheim.

Heimdall – That’s forbidden.

Thor – I’m going to be your king now open up the damn doorway! And don’t tell Dad.

Heimdall – *frosty sigh* Fine, just don’t get yourself killed.

Jotunheim:
Thor – Hey, frost giants, I’m here to fight! Who wants some!

Frost giants – Hey, the son of Odin! Let’s get him!

[[Thus ensues a fight which proves that it is a lot different to be an Asgardian, and to be an Asgardian god; all in all, things go badly for the group of six against the whole friggin’ frozen world until Odin shows up to save the day]]

Odin – That’s enough!

Thor – Who told him?

Loki – I told a guard to go get him because while I knew I couldn’t stop you, I am also not an idiot who thinks he can take on an entire world by himself.

Thor – Damn it, Loki, you spoil all my fun.

Odin – You boys get back home this minute!

Thor – But Daaad… I was killing them all for you because you’re too scared to fight them!

Odin – You don’t understand a damn thing. Now I’ve got to fix this.

Asgard:
Thor – You know this wouldn’t have happened if you’d just killed them all.

Odin – Believe it or not, I do not just go around killing people for no good reason.

Thor – So what’s the point of being a warrior?

Odin – *facepalm* That’s it! You have nearly destroyed a peace treaty that held for a thousand years. You are a thoughtless, arrogant, spoiled, entitled, immature brat who is not worthy to be king or the god of thunder. [[takes his hammer and flings it away]] You, young man, are grounded, and by grounded I mean taking a short trip to Midgard to learn some humility.

Thor – But Daaaad… [[Thor is stripped to his skivves and sucked down an electromagnetic vortex of doom to land hard on the ground]] Well, this bites. At least it didn’t hurt too much when I landed. Hey, what’s that thing coming towards me with those lights and wheels and beeping noise? [[gets hit by a car]]

Hospital (Present):
Jane – Wow, well, that was a weird night. I’m glad we got rid of that weird guy.

Thor – I am Thor! How dare you touch the mighty Thor!

[[Doctors stick him with some sedative]]

Thor – I am…unconscious…

Jane – Yes, we’ll never see him again. Back to my physics studies.

New Mexico Desert:
[[Mjolnir crash-lands (as if there’s any other way) into the New Mexico desert; trying to pull it out gives the locals something passably interesting to do and Stan Lee a place for his cameo]]

Coulson – Oh, so this is what that phone call at the end of Iron Man was about. Man, if this passes for fun these people need to get out more. Ok, everyone, let’s get this under wraps.

Jane’s Lab:
Selvig – You know, it’s weird, but it looks like there’s a person in the photos of the vortex we took last night. But that’s impossible.

Jane – That’s the guy Darcy hit with the car!

Darcy – I told you, I’m telling the cops you were driving.

Jane – Let’s get him out of the hospital so I can ask him high-level questions about electromagnetic phenomena!

Darcy – Seriously? He didn’t really look like he was very bright to me…

Asgard:
Odin – Thor was behaving like a stereotypical frat boy, but I really need to pass the kingship on soon before I go into Marvel’s patented Odin-sleep (TM).

Loki – So, it turns out when I touch the Cask of Winter I just turn blue instead of getting injured. Is there anything you’d like to tell me about my origin, “Dad?”

Odin – You are the son of Laufey, king of the frost giants, not my blood relative. But I adopted you, and raised you like my own.

Loki – Why? What’s your game, old man? Is that how you got peace? By kidnapping me?

Odin – No, of course not.

Loki – Then why? What’s the point? What are you playing at?

Odin – You’re starting to sound a little hysterical and unhinged…

Loki – Am I? Am I!?

Odin – Please, I adopted you because I wanted to, that’s all. Oooo, boy, and I need to take a little nap now. [[passes out into the Odin-sleep (TM)]]

Loki – Dad? Dad? Oh, this is not good. Am I the king now? Oh, I guess I am. Well, okay, um, I’m king.

Sif – So bring Thor back.

Loki – Sorry, I can’t do that. Thor would totally kick my ass about stressing Dad out so much he fell into the Odin-sleep (TM).

Asgard, Thor’s Clubhouse:
Fandrall – I wonder if Loki had anything to do with the frost giants getting to Asgard.

Volstagg – Now, now, Loki is a little liar, and a cheat, and a pansy sorcerer, but I’m sure he wouldn’t actually do anything to really endanger Asgard, or Thor.

Tiny New Mexico Town:
[[Jane manages to get Thor out of the hospital and gives him some clothes that belonged to her ex-boyfriend]]

Thor – Who is Donald Blake? I feel I ought to know, and yet in this venue I do not.

Jane – Just my doctor ex-boyfriend. Wow, does that shirt fit you.

Darcy – He’s cute and all, but he still doesn’t look very bright.

[[they take him out to lunch where he smashes a cup against the floor because apparently that’s what you do in Asgard]]

Darcy – And he has no manners. You’ve rescued a frat boy.

Jane – That’s not true! So, Mister…Thor…tell me about that electromagnetic wormhole you fell out of.

Thor – I have no idea what you’re talking about. More ale, wench!

Darcy – Make that a frat boy with a medieval fetish.

Jane – You are not helping! We’ll get him back to the lab. Maybe if I draw him some pictures that will help.

Jane’s lab:
[[SHIELD is busy cleaning out the place]]

Jane – Hey! Who the hell do you think you are and what gives you the right to take my research?

Thor – Wow, that’s kind of spunky. I like that.

Coulson – Here’s a document that makes all this legal enough for me to get away with this while you find yourself tied up in court. Sorry, thems the breaks.

Jane – You were much more likeable in the Iron Man movies!

Thor – Hey, my Mjolnir sense is tingling. I think the hammer is in the direction of that, um, what is that?

Jane – SHIELD’s advanced science facility that they’ve built out in the middle of nowhere as far as I can tell.

Thor – Wait, that’s advanced science? Really? Wow, you mortals are really primative.

Jane – And who didn’t know what a car was?

Thor – Yeah, well, I did just get thrown out of Asgard and landed on my head.

Jane – You are crazy. I’m going to get my research back now.

Thor – Wait, you call me crazy but you’re going to break into what you call a heavily armed facility full of trained warriors by yourself?

Jane – I’ll figure something out.

Thor – I find your fighter spirit endearing and adorable. I’ll go with you because I think Mjolnir is in there and once I have that, I can get your stuff back no problem.

Jane – That’s really crazy. Let’s do this thing!

SHIELD facility:
Jane – So it’s pouring rain. I really wish I had my stuff.

Thor – I’ll get it back, no worries. I am really awesome. Watch this.

[[Thor proceeds to breach the perimeter and fight his way through the facility to the center where Mjolnir is sitting in a big lump of rock]]

Barton – Please note that I am the only SHIELD agent who grabs a compound bow instead of a gun. Also note how totally seamless my scenes are and in no way make the viewing audience unfamiliar with the Avengers go “what the hell was that about?”

Thor – So whoever has Mjolner has to be worthy now? Man, my Dad, he’s so old and grumpy sometimes. Of course I should have no problem picking this up because I am totally worthy. It’s my hammer after all, and I am still the god of thunder despite the various mortal indignities I have already suffered. [[his effort to pull the hammer out of the rock fails spectacularly]] No way! No way!! I’m awesome! Awesome!!!! *sobs*

Coulson – Right, put him in lock-up.

Jane – Damn it. Now I’ve lost my stuff and the crazy but cute tall guy.

SHIELD lock-up:
Loki – Hey, big brother.

Thor – Hi, little brother. This has been a lousy day.

Loki – Yeah, about that. Odin died.

Thor – Oh, man, that sucks.

Loki – And Frigga’s so angry she’s forbidden you to return to Asgard.

Thor – Oh, man! That really sucks. Oh well, I deserve it.

Loki – You do? I mean, of course you do. I’m glad you’re taking this so well.

Thor – I have recently learned a lesson in humility. Now I know I am responsible for the death of my father. Staying in Midgard as a mortal seems like only fitting punishment.

Loki – Wow, well, yes. Totally. Well, good luck and good-bye.

Thor – Good-bye.

[[Loki stops by to find out if he can pick up the hammer, which of course he can’t]]

Loki – I am worthy! I’ll prove it! Hahahahaha!!! And I am not deranged and unhinged!

SHIELD facility (later):
Selvig – I’m sure I’m going to regret this, but I’m going to try to break Thor out of here just so Jane will feel better. How I’m going to fool highly trained intelligence agents, I do not know.

Coulson – Just to prove I’m really not a bad guy, I’ll let you take the crazy guy. He hasn’t really done anything except talk to himself. And where are you going to go in this small town that I won’t know about?

Selvig – That was easy.

[[Thor grabs a book of Jane’s notes on the way out]]

Tavern:
Selvig – Here’s the deal. I busted you out because Jane seems oddly attached to you. Also, while this goes completely against my scientific training, something in my Norse heritage almost believes you are really Thor. So let’s drink and in the morning you go far away from Jane.

Thor – Um, sure, I guess.

[[they drink until Selvig blacks out and consequently remembers nothing of the previous night’s conversation]]

Trailer:
Thor – Special delivery!

Jane – I’m in my pyjamas! Oh, the professor. Just set him down gently.

Thor – So, I got one of your books back. Do you still want to talk about electromagnetic theory?

Jane – Sure!

Thor – But I call it magic.

Jane – Well, okay, we’ll talk anyway.

Thor – Here, I’ll draw you a picture.

Jotunheim, Laufey’s Clubhouse:
Loki – Damn it, frost giants, I get you into Asgard to mess up Thor’s big day and you take it all personal like.

Laufey – He killed my people.

Loki – Yeah, and you knew that would happen. But anyway, here’s the deal. I’m king now, so I’ll let you invade Asgard if you promise to kill Odin.

Laufey – What’s in it for you?

Loki – I want Odin dead, but if I do it, the other Asgardians will kill me.

Laufey – That is true. Okay, so you give the signal and we’ll invade.

Asgard, Thor’s Clubhouse:
Sif – Okay, I don’t care if Loki let in those frost giants or not, but we have to go get Thor back to Asgard so he can be king.

Warriors Three – Good plan.

Bifrost bridge:
Heimdall – You know I’m forbidden by the king to open the bridge to Midgard.

Sif – Come on, Heimdall, give us a break.

Heimdall – Here, I’ll leave my sword, which is the key, in the lock here while I go take lunch, over there. If someone were to turn the sword a half-quarter turn to the right and end up opening the bridge to Midgard while I’m on my lunch break, over there, well, sometimes these things just happen.

Sif – Hey, look at the time. Is it lunch already?

Tiny New Mexico town:
Jane – You know, you are much nicer and better behaved since that whole mess with SHIELD.

Darcy – Which wouldn’t be difficult…

Thor – Yeah, well, I learned a lot. Hey, my friends! Come on in, let me introduce you to my friends. Warriors Three, and Sif, this is Jane, Darcy, and Prof. Selvig. Jane, Darcy, Prof. Selvig, this is Sif, Fandrall the Dashing, Hogunn the Grim, and Volstagg the Voluminious. Wait, “Voluminous,” really? Like you’re supposed some big fat guy?

Volstagg – Shut it, you.

Thor – Anyway, it’s so great to see you guys!

Jane – Um, okay, this is freaking me out because it almost seems like he was telling the truth about being a god. Anyone else freaked out?

Darcy/Selvig – Yep!

Sif – Thor, please come back to Asgard.

Thor – I can’t. Odin is dead and Frigga has forbidden it.

Sif – Um, no, Odin’s in the Odin-sleep (TM) and Frigga misses you terribly.

Thor – Loki lied to me! Why did Loki lie to me?

Sif – Oh, I don’t know, so he could become king instead of you and rule all of Asgard?

Asgard:
Loki – Why is it when I tell someone to keep the bridge closed, they never do it? Fine, fine, I’ll freeze Heimdall and send the Destroyer to take care of Thor and those other jerks. I love Thor like a brother but I have something to prove, damn it!

Tiny New Mexico town:
[[The Destroyer lands and heads on in]]

Coulson – Ok, take it down, boys!

[[The SHIELD agents fail to do so spectacularly]]

Coulson – Ok, evacuate the town, boys! Anyone have any better ideas?

Thor – Sif, Warriors Three, hold off the Destroyer while I help Jane and her friends get all these innocent people out of town.

Sif/Warriors Three – *blink* *blink blink* Thor, are you showing some basic empathy and compassion towards these mortals?

Thor – Yeah. Why are you looking at me like that? You’re acting like I’ve never been concerned for anyone except myself.

Sif/Warriors Three – Yeah, because you never have.

Thor – Oh, right. Well, I’ve grown a lot. Now go kick some ass while I save people.

[[Sif and the Warriors Three do their best to kick some ass but the Destroyer armor proves to be more than a match for them]]

Jane – Thor, you’ve got to get out of here before that thing destroys you!

Thor – If I run, it’ll just destroy everything and everyone in its path. I’ll try reason.

Sif – Dude, your crazy little brother sent a monster called “the Destroyer” after you. Do you really think reason is going to work?

Thor – No, but if it doesn’t, I’ll sacrifice myself so Jane and her odd friends can escape. [[walks up to the Destroyer]] Loki, I know you can hear me. I know you lied to me, but I forgive you. Just call off this monster and we’ll go back to Asgard and talk this out like civilized people.

Loki – And I am way past any attempt to reason with. Just die, okay? -gives the order-

[[the Destroyer smacks Thor just once and sends him flying through the air to land hard on the ground]]

Sif/Warriors Three – Okay, we all know Loki is a cheat, and a liar, but even we’re surprised he’d go so far as to kill his own brother.

Thor – Wow, one shot and that’s it? I must be mortal. So this is pain. Pain really hurts!

Jane – That was so noble and stupid.

Thor – I know. You’re great, you know that?

Jane – So are you.

Thor – Well, maybe one day. [[almost but not quite dies; it turns out that sacrificing his life to save someone else is an act worthy of wielding Mjolnir which flies to his hand bringing him back from the brink of death]] Wow, I feel better. Now, to again demonstrate the difference between an Asgardian and an Asgardian god. [[Destroys the Destroyer armor in about two minutes]] Hey, Jane, I’m still alive. Isn’t that great?

Jane – You are totally a god!

Thor – Yeah. But I need to get back to Asgard now.

Jane – I’ll give you a lift back to where the vortex was.

Thor – I am going to fight another god, and I may not be back, or not for a long time. We should kiss before I go.

Jane – Good plan! [[they kiss]]

Thor – Heimdall, four to beam up.

Asgard:
Heimdall – Give me a minute! That upstart brat froze me! [[manages to unlock the bridge and get the four back to Asgard]] Okay, now let’s go stop the frost giant invasion!

Thor – Frost giant invasion! Wow, things went downhill fast!

Asgard, Odin’s Room:
Laufey – You do not know how long I’ve waited to kill you, you Asgardian bastard!

Loki – Yeah, not today.

Laufey – Why not?

Loki – I’m going to kill you first.

Laufey – You traitor! You liar!

Loki – Yeah, yeah, just die. [[kills Laufey]]

Thor – Loki, I don’t know what’s going on, but you better fix it right now!

Loki – What are you doing here? Argh!

[[Loki runs away and Thor gives chase]]

Bifrost Controls:
[[Loki sets the controls to destroy Jotunheim]]

Thor – Loki! What are you doing?

Loki – I’m going to destroy all the frost giants and win peace for Asgard forever! Hahahahahaha!!!!

Thor – Loki, that’s totally deranged! You can’t just kill off a whole species like that!

Loki – Who the hell are you and where is Thor? You’re the one who’s all about kicking ass and killing people.

Thor – Not anymore. I’ve learned better. Now please turn off the Bifrost before I have to hurt you.

Loki – Stuff it, you condescending jerk!

[[Thus starts the spectacular fight between Thor and Loki]]

Loki – Hahahahaha!! There’s no way to stop the Bifrost now! You’ll have to risk your own life to destroy the whole bridge which means even if you survive you’ll never get back to Midgard to see that mortal you’ve apparently fallen in love with.

Thor – Well, as a mortal once said, thems the breaks. Literally.

[[Thor brings Mjolnir down on the bridge completely destroying it in a fantastic explosion; this leaves Thor and Loki hanging over the void]]

Odin – Hang on, boys!

Thor – Dad! Good timing!

Loki – Dad, Dad, look, I tried to kill all the frost giants so Asgard would always know peace. I killed the king. I did everything so you would be proud of me!

Odin – Loki, my son, this has only brought me disappointment. Now climb up so we can go home and talk this over.

Loki – But-but-but…I can’t handle this… [[lets go of the spear and falls into the void]]

Odin/Thor – Nooooo!!!!

Sif – So Odin and Thor are really mourning for Loki? After all he did?

Frigga – Yeah, they are.

Sif – Wow.

Tiny New Mexico town:
Jane – Right, since SHIELD gave me all my stuff back, I’m going to get that wormhole open. For research purposes, of course.

Darcy – Yeah, we all know it has nothing to do with the totally cut Norse hottie.

Jane – Shut it, you.

Secret Ending:
Ultimate Nick Fury – Prof. Selvig, do you believe in magic and legends?

Selvig – Well, given recent events, I’d be kind of a fool to completely dismiss such things out of hand.

UNF – Then get a look at this. [[shows him a box with a glowing cube]] Part science, part magic, part legend, all power. You interested in studying it?

Loki (in the mirror) – Hell yeah, that could be just what I need to get revenge. Say yes, professor thrall.

Selvig – Yes, yes I am.

-fade-out-