or, “Asgardian Frat Boy”
Jane – There’s an incredibly dangerous electromagnetic storm brewing in the desert. Let’s go drive to it with our instruments!
Selvig – Good idea.
Darcy – Um, no it isn’t…
[[They drive out into the storm which has created a scary vortex of energy from the clouds to the ground]]
Jane – Get closer!
Darcy – Hell no! [[Darcy swerves but hits something falling out of the vortex, which appears to be a blond man in his long underwear]] If he’s dead, I’m telling the cops you were driving.
Jane – Fine, fine, whatever. Hey, he’s not dead. And he’s kind of cute.
Darcy – You are so weird.
Thor – Ugggnnngh??
[[And the Asgardians are at war with the Frost Giants, which seems like a plenty exciting start to a movie so why did the director feel it had to be started with Thor getting hit by a car? I mean, the war is pretty darn cool, no pun intended]]
Odin – Ok, I’ve lost an eye, which isn’t how it happened in the mythology but whatever, and I’m going to take your enormously powerful magic Cask of Winter and force you into a peace treaty which means you stay out of Midgard forever.
Laufey – Stuff it!
Odin – Or I conquer your people and totally kill you.
Laufey – Peace it is. But if any of your people ever behave in a hostile fashion in my lands, we’re going back to war.
Odin – Sounds fair. Hey, a baby. Does this belong to anyone? No, okay, well, I’ll take this little guy back with me. I’m sure that won’t backfire in a horrible manner in several centuries time.
Asgard (Flashback, a few centuries after the war):
[[Odin leads li’l Thor and li’l Loki to the Armory]]
Odin – Boys, this is the Cask of Winter which I took from the frost giants while defending Midgard. One day one of you will be king and have to guard it too.
Li’l Loki – Wow, that’s cool.
Li’l Thor – I want to kick some frost giant ass when I’m king!
Odin – Well, yes, ass-kicking certainly is a purview of kingship, but there are other things…
Li’l Thor – Yeah, kick ass! I’ll be the bestest warrior there ever was. I totally rock and I’m only ten!
Odin – *muttering* I really hope the boy grows out of this…
Asgard (Flashback, almost to present):
Thor – This is the best day ever! I’m a totally awesome warrior who’s going to be the king. Also, I have totally awesome friends in the Warriors Three, and a totally awesome and oddly completely platonic friend in Sif which matches neither mythology nor the source comics but never mind that. And my little brother isn’t half-bad either. Yes, I totally rock. Come on, Dad, give me the crown already. My fans are waiting.
Odin – Oh, hey, listen to that, the intruder alarm has gone off. Well, better postpone this kingship thing so I can personally take care of that.
Thor – But Daaaad, I wanna be the king!
[[They proceed to the Armory where a trio of frost giants has gotten in to steal the Cask of Winter]]
Odin – I could do this myself, or use the Destroyer armor as a security system. Yes, that seems awesomer.
[[the Destroyer armor does as its name implies and soon the frost giants are a matter for the janitoral staff to deal with]]
Thor – We should go to Jotunheim and kick their asses! They totally broke the peace treaty!
Odin – We are not going to war. I’ll use diplomatic channels. Right now I’m more worried about how they got here. Heimdall guards the Bifrost bridge and that should be the only way in or out. It’s almost as though someone else let them in…
Loki – Um, so are we done now? I’ve got a thing…
Asgard, Thor’s Clubhouse (or whatever):
Thor – I’m going to Jotunheim to kick some frost giant ass! Who’s with me?
Loki – This is a really bad idea.
Thor – So what?
Sif – No, as much as we hate to say it, Loki’s right.
Thor – Fine. If you don’t come with me I’m going anyway.
Sif – Then we’ll go with you to keep you from getting killed.
Thor – Sweet.
Thor – Heimdall, open up a gateway to Jotunheim.
Heimdall – That’s forbidden.
Thor – I’m going to be your king now open up the damn doorway! And don’t tell Dad.
Heimdall – *frosty sigh* Fine, just don’t get yourself killed.
Thor – Hey, frost giants, I’m here to fight! Who wants some!
Frost giants – Hey, the son of Odin! Let’s get him!
[[Thus ensues a fight which proves that it is a lot different to be an Asgardian, and to be an Asgardian god; all in all, things go badly for the group of six against the whole friggin’ frozen world until Odin shows up to save the day]]
Odin – That’s enough!
Thor – Who told him?
Loki – I told a guard to go get him because while I knew I couldn’t stop you, I am also not an idiot who thinks he can take on an entire world by himself.
Thor – Damn it, Loki, you spoil all my fun.
Odin – You boys get back home this minute!
Thor – But Daaad… I was killing them all for you because you’re too scared to fight them!
Odin – You don’t understand a damn thing. Now I’ve got to fix this.
Thor – You know this wouldn’t have happened if you’d just killed them all.
Odin – Believe it or not, I do not just go around killing people for no good reason.
Thor – So what’s the point of being a warrior?
Odin – *facepalm* That’s it! You have nearly destroyed a peace treaty that held for a thousand years. You are a thoughtless, arrogant, spoiled, entitled, immature brat who is not worthy to be king or the god of thunder. [[takes his hammer and flings it away]] You, young man, are grounded, and by grounded I mean taking a short trip to Midgard to learn some humility.
Thor – But Daaaad… [[Thor is stripped to his skivves and sucked down an electromagnetic vortex of doom to land hard on the ground]] Well, this bites. At least it didn’t hurt too much when I landed. Hey, what’s that thing coming towards me with those lights and wheels and beeping noise? [[gets hit by a car]]
Jane – Wow, well, that was a weird night. I’m glad we got rid of that weird guy.
Thor – I am Thor! How dare you touch the mighty Thor!
[[Doctors stick him with some sedative]]
Thor – I am…unconscious…
Jane – Yes, we’ll never see him again. Back to my physics studies.
New Mexico Desert:
[[Mjolnir crash-lands (as if there’s any other way) into the New Mexico desert; trying to pull it out gives the locals something passably interesting to do and Stan Lee a place for his cameo]]
Coulson – Oh, so this is what that phone call at the end of Iron Man was about. Man, if this passes for fun these people need to get out more. Ok, everyone, let’s get this under wraps.
Selvig – You know, it’s weird, but it looks like there’s a person in the photos of the vortex we took last night. But that’s impossible.
Jane – That’s the guy Darcy hit with the car!
Darcy – I told you, I’m telling the cops you were driving.
Jane – Let’s get him out of the hospital so I can ask him high-level questions about electromagnetic phenomena!
Darcy – Seriously? He didn’t really look like he was very bright to me…
Odin – Thor was behaving like a stereotypical frat boy, but I really need to pass the kingship on soon before I go into Marvel’s patented Odin-sleep (TM).
Loki – So, it turns out when I touch the Cask of Winter I just turn blue instead of getting injured. Is there anything you’d like to tell me about my origin, “Dad?”
Odin – You are the son of Laufey, king of the frost giants, not my blood relative. But I adopted you, and raised you like my own.
Loki – Why? What’s your game, old man? Is that how you got peace? By kidnapping me?
Odin – No, of course not.
Loki – Then why? What’s the point? What are you playing at?
Odin – You’re starting to sound a little hysterical and unhinged…
Loki – Am I? Am I!?
Odin – Please, I adopted you because I wanted to, that’s all. Oooo, boy, and I need to take a little nap now. [[passes out into the Odin-sleep (TM)]]
Loki – Dad? Dad? Oh, this is not good. Am I the king now? Oh, I guess I am. Well, okay, um, I’m king.
Sif – So bring Thor back.
Loki – Sorry, I can’t do that. Thor would totally kick my ass about stressing Dad out so much he fell into the Odin-sleep (TM).
Asgard, Thor’s Clubhouse:
Fandrall – I wonder if Loki had anything to do with the frost giants getting to Asgard.
Volstagg – Now, now, Loki is a little liar, and a cheat, and a pansy sorcerer, but I’m sure he wouldn’t actually do anything to really endanger Asgard, or Thor.
Tiny New Mexico Town:
[[Jane manages to get Thor out of the hospital and gives him some clothes that belonged to her ex-boyfriend]]
Thor – Who is Donald Blake? I feel I ought to know, and yet in this venue I do not.
Jane – Just my doctor ex-boyfriend. Wow, does that shirt fit you.
Darcy – He’s cute and all, but he still doesn’t look very bright.
[[they take him out to lunch where he smashes a cup against the floor because apparently that’s what you do in Asgard]]
Darcy – And he has no manners. You’ve rescued a frat boy.
Jane – That’s not true! So, Mister…Thor…tell me about that electromagnetic wormhole you fell out of.
Thor – I have no idea what you’re talking about. More ale, wench!
Darcy – Make that a frat boy with a medieval fetish.
Jane – You are not helping! We’ll get him back to the lab. Maybe if I draw him some pictures that will help.
[[SHIELD is busy cleaning out the place]]
Jane – Hey! Who the hell do you think you are and what gives you the right to take my research?
Thor – Wow, that’s kind of spunky. I like that.
Coulson – Here’s a document that makes all this legal enough for me to get away with this while you find yourself tied up in court. Sorry, thems the breaks.
Jane – You were much more likeable in the Iron Man movies!
Thor – Hey, my Mjolnir sense is tingling. I think the hammer is in the direction of that, um, what is that?
Jane – SHIELD’s advanced science facility that they’ve built out in the middle of nowhere as far as I can tell.
Thor – Wait, that’s advanced science? Really? Wow, you mortals are really primative.
Jane – And who didn’t know what a car was?
Thor – Yeah, well, I did just get thrown out of Asgard and landed on my head.
Jane – You are crazy. I’m going to get my research back now.
Thor – Wait, you call me crazy but you’re going to break into what you call a heavily armed facility full of trained warriors by yourself?
Jane – I’ll figure something out.
Thor – I find your fighter spirit endearing and adorable. I’ll go with you because I think Mjolnir is in there and once I have that, I can get your stuff back no problem.
Jane – That’s really crazy. Let’s do this thing!
Jane – So it’s pouring rain. I really wish I had my stuff.
Thor – I’ll get it back, no worries. I am really awesome. Watch this.
[[Thor proceeds to breach the perimeter and fight his way through the facility to the center where Mjolnir is sitting in a big lump of rock]]
Barton – Please note that I am the only SHIELD agent who grabs a compound bow instead of a gun. Also note how totally seamless my scenes are and in no way make the viewing audience unfamiliar with the Avengers go “what the hell was that about?”
Thor – So whoever has Mjolner has to be worthy now? Man, my Dad, he’s so old and grumpy sometimes. Of course I should have no problem picking this up because I am totally worthy. It’s my hammer after all, and I am still the god of thunder despite the various mortal indignities I have already suffered. [[his effort to pull the hammer out of the rock fails spectacularly]] No way! No way!! I’m awesome! Awesome!!!! *sobs*
Coulson – Right, put him in lock-up.
Jane – Damn it. Now I’ve lost my stuff and the crazy but cute tall guy.
Loki – Hey, big brother.
Thor – Hi, little brother. This has been a lousy day.
Loki – Yeah, about that. Odin died.
Thor – Oh, man, that sucks.
Loki – And Frigga’s so angry she’s forbidden you to return to Asgard.
Thor – Oh, man! That really sucks. Oh well, I deserve it.
Loki – You do? I mean, of course you do. I’m glad you’re taking this so well.
Thor – I have recently learned a lesson in humility. Now I know I am responsible for the death of my father. Staying in Midgard as a mortal seems like only fitting punishment.
Loki – Wow, well, yes. Totally. Well, good luck and good-bye.
Thor – Good-bye.
[[Loki stops by to find out if he can pick up the hammer, which of course he can’t]]
Loki – I am worthy! I’ll prove it! Hahahahaha!!! And I am not deranged and unhinged!
SHIELD facility (later):
Selvig – I’m sure I’m going to regret this, but I’m going to try to break Thor out of here just so Jane will feel better. How I’m going to fool highly trained intelligence agents, I do not know.
Coulson – Just to prove I’m really not a bad guy, I’ll let you take the crazy guy. He hasn’t really done anything except talk to himself. And where are you going to go in this small town that I won’t know about?
Selvig – That was easy.
[[Thor grabs a book of Jane’s notes on the way out]]
Selvig – Here’s the deal. I busted you out because Jane seems oddly attached to you. Also, while this goes completely against my scientific training, something in my Norse heritage almost believes you are really Thor. So let’s drink and in the morning you go far away from Jane.
Thor – Um, sure, I guess.
[[they drink until Selvig blacks out and consequently remembers nothing of the previous night’s conversation]]
Thor – Special delivery!
Jane – I’m in my pyjamas! Oh, the professor. Just set him down gently.
Thor – So, I got one of your books back. Do you still want to talk about electromagnetic theory?
Jane – Sure!
Thor – But I call it magic.
Jane – Well, okay, we’ll talk anyway.
Thor – Here, I’ll draw you a picture.
Jotunheim, Laufey’s Clubhouse:
Loki – Damn it, frost giants, I get you into Asgard to mess up Thor’s big day and you take it all personal like.
Laufey – He killed my people.
Loki – Yeah, and you knew that would happen. But anyway, here’s the deal. I’m king now, so I’ll let you invade Asgard if you promise to kill Odin.
Laufey – What’s in it for you?
Loki – I want Odin dead, but if I do it, the other Asgardians will kill me.
Laufey – That is true. Okay, so you give the signal and we’ll invade.
Asgard, Thor’s Clubhouse:
Sif – Okay, I don’t care if Loki let in those frost giants or not, but we have to go get Thor back to Asgard so he can be king.
Warriors Three – Good plan.
Heimdall – You know I’m forbidden by the king to open the bridge to Midgard.
Sif – Come on, Heimdall, give us a break.
Heimdall – Here, I’ll leave my sword, which is the key, in the lock here while I go take lunch, over there. If someone were to turn the sword a half-quarter turn to the right and end up opening the bridge to Midgard while I’m on my lunch break, over there, well, sometimes these things just happen.
Sif – Hey, look at the time. Is it lunch already?
Tiny New Mexico town:
Jane – You know, you are much nicer and better behaved since that whole mess with SHIELD.
Darcy – Which wouldn’t be difficult…
Thor – Yeah, well, I learned a lot. Hey, my friends! Come on in, let me introduce you to my friends. Warriors Three, and Sif, this is Jane, Darcy, and Prof. Selvig. Jane, Darcy, Prof. Selvig, this is Sif, Fandrall the Dashing, Hogunn the Grim, and Volstagg the Voluminious. Wait, “Voluminous,” really? Like you’re supposed some big fat guy?
Volstagg – Shut it, you.
Thor – Anyway, it’s so great to see you guys!
Jane – Um, okay, this is freaking me out because it almost seems like he was telling the truth about being a god. Anyone else freaked out?
Darcy/Selvig – Yep!
Sif – Thor, please come back to Asgard.
Thor – I can’t. Odin is dead and Frigga has forbidden it.
Sif – Um, no, Odin’s in the Odin-sleep (TM) and Frigga misses you terribly.
Thor – Loki lied to me! Why did Loki lie to me?
Sif – Oh, I don’t know, so he could become king instead of you and rule all of Asgard?
Loki – Why is it when I tell someone to keep the bridge closed, they never do it? Fine, fine, I’ll freeze Heimdall and send the Destroyer to take care of Thor and those other jerks. I love Thor like a brother but I have something to prove, damn it!
Tiny New Mexico town:
[[The Destroyer lands and heads on in]]
Coulson – Ok, take it down, boys!
[[The SHIELD agents fail to do so spectacularly]]
Coulson – Ok, evacuate the town, boys! Anyone have any better ideas?
Thor – Sif, Warriors Three, hold off the Destroyer while I help Jane and her friends get all these innocent people out of town.
Sif/Warriors Three – *blink* *blink blink* Thor, are you showing some basic empathy and compassion towards these mortals?
Thor – Yeah. Why are you looking at me like that? You’re acting like I’ve never been concerned for anyone except myself.
Sif/Warriors Three – Yeah, because you never have.
Thor – Oh, right. Well, I’ve grown a lot. Now go kick some ass while I save people.
[[Sif and the Warriors Three do their best to kick some ass but the Destroyer armor proves to be more than a match for them]]
Jane – Thor, you’ve got to get out of here before that thing destroys you!
Thor – If I run, it’ll just destroy everything and everyone in its path. I’ll try reason.
Sif – Dude, your crazy little brother sent a monster called “the Destroyer” after you. Do you really think reason is going to work?
Thor – No, but if it doesn’t, I’ll sacrifice myself so Jane and her odd friends can escape. [[walks up to the Destroyer]] Loki, I know you can hear me. I know you lied to me, but I forgive you. Just call off this monster and we’ll go back to Asgard and talk this out like civilized people.
Loki – And I am way past any attempt to reason with. Just die, okay? -gives the order-
[[the Destroyer smacks Thor just once and sends him flying through the air to land hard on the ground]]
Sif/Warriors Three – Okay, we all know Loki is a cheat, and a liar, but even we’re surprised he’d go so far as to kill his own brother.
Thor – Wow, one shot and that’s it? I must be mortal. So this is pain. Pain really hurts!
Jane – That was so noble and stupid.
Thor – I know. You’re great, you know that?
Jane – So are you.
Thor – Well, maybe one day. [[almost but not quite dies; it turns out that sacrificing his life to save someone else is an act worthy of wielding Mjolnir which flies to his hand bringing him back from the brink of death]] Wow, I feel better. Now, to again demonstrate the difference between an Asgardian and an Asgardian god. [[Destroys the Destroyer armor in about two minutes]] Hey, Jane, I’m still alive. Isn’t that great?
Jane – You are totally a god!
Thor – Yeah. But I need to get back to Asgard now.
Jane – I’ll give you a lift back to where the vortex was.
Thor – I am going to fight another god, and I may not be back, or not for a long time. We should kiss before I go.
Jane – Good plan! [[they kiss]]
Thor – Heimdall, four to beam up.
Heimdall – Give me a minute! That upstart brat froze me! [[manages to unlock the bridge and get the four back to Asgard]] Okay, now let’s go stop the frost giant invasion!
Thor – Frost giant invasion! Wow, things went downhill fast!
Asgard, Odin’s Room:
Laufey – You do not know how long I’ve waited to kill you, you Asgardian bastard!
Loki – Yeah, not today.
Laufey – Why not?
Loki – I’m going to kill you first.
Laufey – You traitor! You liar!
Loki – Yeah, yeah, just die. [[kills Laufey]]
Thor – Loki, I don’t know what’s going on, but you better fix it right now!
Loki – What are you doing here? Argh!
[[Loki runs away and Thor gives chase]]
[[Loki sets the controls to destroy Jotunheim]]
Thor – Loki! What are you doing?
Loki – I’m going to destroy all the frost giants and win peace for Asgard forever! Hahahahahaha!!!!
Thor – Loki, that’s totally deranged! You can’t just kill off a whole species like that!
Loki – Who the hell are you and where is Thor? You’re the one who’s all about kicking ass and killing people.
Thor – Not anymore. I’ve learned better. Now please turn off the Bifrost before I have to hurt you.
Loki – Stuff it, you condescending jerk!
[[Thus starts the spectacular fight between Thor and Loki]]
Loki – Hahahahaha!! There’s no way to stop the Bifrost now! You’ll have to risk your own life to destroy the whole bridge which means even if you survive you’ll never get back to Midgard to see that mortal you’ve apparently fallen in love with.
Thor – Well, as a mortal once said, thems the breaks. Literally.
[[Thor brings Mjolnir down on the bridge completely destroying it in a fantastic explosion; this leaves Thor and Loki hanging over the void]]
Odin – Hang on, boys!
Thor – Dad! Good timing!
Loki – Dad, Dad, look, I tried to kill all the frost giants so Asgard would always know peace. I killed the king. I did everything so you would be proud of me!
Odin – Loki, my son, this has only brought me disappointment. Now climb up so we can go home and talk this over.
Loki – But-but-but…I can’t handle this… [[lets go of the spear and falls into the void]]
Odin/Thor – Nooooo!!!!
Sif – So Odin and Thor are really mourning for Loki? After all he did?
Frigga – Yeah, they are.
Sif – Wow.
Tiny New Mexico town:
Jane – Right, since SHIELD gave me all my stuff back, I’m going to get that wormhole open. For research purposes, of course.
Darcy – Yeah, we all know it has nothing to do with the totally cut Norse hottie.
Jane – Shut it, you.
Ultimate Nick Fury – Prof. Selvig, do you believe in magic and legends?
Selvig – Well, given recent events, I’d be kind of a fool to completely dismiss such things out of hand.
UNF – Then get a look at this. [[shows him a box with a glowing cube]] Part science, part magic, part legend, all power. You interested in studying it?
Loki (in the mirror) – Hell yeah, that could be just what I need to get revenge. Say yes, professor thrall.
Selvig – Yes, yes I am.