Fifteen-minute Movie – Amazing Spider-man 2

or, “What a Damn Mess

Oscorp Lab (Past):
[[Richard Parker is hurriedly destroying all his research and rushing out of the lab; he also pauses to start some kind of video confession that is interrupted by L’il Peter alerting him to the fact someone broke into the house; the Parkers drop L’il Peter off with Ben and May and hop aboard a jet; Richard fights to get a video uploaded before an assassin kills him and/or crashes the plane; really, this scene on the jet is totally pointless]]

New York City:
Spider-man – Woohoo!  I am awesome, and there’s a crime in progress, and it’s not as though there’s anywhere else I have to be!

[[Some criminals are attempting to steal some highly radioactive/volatile chemicals from an armored Oscorp truck]]

Aleksi Sytsevich – Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Spider-man – Dude, don’t you think that’s overdoing it a bit?

Sytsevich – Nope!!!!

Max Dillon – Excuse me, I have a bunch of important blueprints I’m carrying awkwardly instead of having them all rolled together and using a carrying case designed for just this purpose.  Wow, there is a lot of excitement or something.  [[He drops the blueprints and is nearly killed by the runaway armored truck but saved by Spider-man]]

Spider-man – Okay, my super-stereotypical nerd friend, here you are safe, and here are your blueprints.

Max – You saved me!  Why did you do that?

Spider-man – Because I’m your friendly neighborhood Spider-man.  Now, I have to go stop that runaway truck, so you be careful, okay?  Laters!

Max – Wow!

[[Spider-man does eventually stop the truck, keep the chemicals from breaking, and capturing all the criminals, and then is hit by an ambulance because spider-sense?]]

Gwen (phone) – You do know we’re graduating today, right?

Ghost of Captain Stacy – You know you’re going to get my daughter killed one day, don’t you?

Spider-man – Um, I’ll be there in a minute.

Gwen (phone) – Are you in the middle of fighting crime again!?

Spider-man – Um, no.  Love you babe, gotta go, bye!

[[Gwen gives a very strange valedictorian speech about how everyone could die at any minute but to hang on to hope and then the scene is cut off as Peter finally shows up and just in time to give Gwen a kiss on stage because he’s apparently cool like that]]

Aunt May – I’m so proud of you!  I wish your Uncle Ben could have been here to see this.

Peter – And my parents.

Aunt May – Um, okay, that was hurtful and seemed to come out of left field.

Ghost of Captain Stacy – You know you’re going to get my daughter killed one day, don’t you?

A Restaurant, Later:
Peter – Gwen, remember how I completely stomped on the idea of respecting your father’s wishes to stay away from you and keep you safe at the end of the first movie?

Gwen – Yes.

Peter – Well, I’ve been feeling really guilty about that and I think we should break up because I want to protect you and not have you die by me failing to catch you as you fall to your death or something like that.

Gwen – Oh, my god, are we doing this again?  No, I’m done with this.  I’m breaking up with you.  Good-bye, Peter.  [[Storms off in a huff]]

[[So Spider-man patrols the city and stalks Gwen even though they’re supposed to be broken up; doesn’t this kid have to prepare for going to college in a few months or something?]]

Max Dillon’s Sad Apartment:
Max – Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me.  Isn’t that right Spider-man?  What’s that?  It’s kind of nuts to be pretending you’re actually here talking to me and it’s really sort of creepy and borderline psychotic I built this wall of craziness idolizing you?  Yeah, well, there’s no time to properly build up my character arc so we’ll just take this shortcut to establish I’m a few circuits short of a motherboard.

Osborn Mansion:
Donald Menken – The room is going to be dark.  It’s a lot better this way, trust me.

[[Harry Osborn goes into see his dying father, who has green skin and fingernails that turned into talons for some reason]]

Norman – I know I wasn’t a good father…

Harry – Yeah, no kidding.

Norman – …but I was trying to protect you.  I was trying to find a cure for this terrible disease, which is genetic.  Take this Plot Device.  It has all my research into finding a cure.  Maybe you’ll have better luck than I did.  [[presumably dies]]

[[Gwen and Max exchange pleasantries in the Elevator of Convenience]]

Alistair Smythe – Dillon, we’re all leaving, but you have to stay late and fix a problem in the grid.

Max – Why?

Smythe – Because you’re a spineless loser.  At least I didn’t steal your stapler.

[[Max dutifully goes to investigate the problem with the power grid, which seems to get power derived frome electric eels… wait, seriously, electric eels?  People deride Raimi’s set as too campy but it’s okay to have an electrical generator that runs off of electric eels???]]

Max – Hm, I’m going to guess all that sparking and that thing not being plugged in is this problem. [[Calls for help but apparently all the maintenance staff leave at 5:00 PM sharp even though this grid powers part of the city]]  Well, I guess I’ll just fix this myself.  After all, there’s no difference between an electrical engineer, which I am, and an electrician, which I am not.  [[This goes about as well as could be expected and Max is electrocuted, falls several feet into the tank of eels, and is electrocuted again and presumably dies]]

Oscorp, Later:
Harry – I’m sure you’re happy I’m now in charge of this company, right, Menken?

Menken – I’m thrilled.  Really.  This is super-duper awesome.  Yep, just peachy.

Harry – Okay, well, I’m making Felicia (last name omitted because there has to be some kind of surprise, right?) the boss of all of you.

Peter – Harry, I heard on Plot Convenience News that your father died.  I know we haven’t seen each other in over ten years, but you were there for me when my parents disappeared, even though this is not shown nor was there any hint of it in the last movie, so I’m here for you now and we can resume our totally deep friendship without any pesky and time-consuming character building.

Harry – Okay.  We’re totally BFFs again.

Menken (from a van) – We’ll use him to take the blame for Dillon’s accident.

New York City, Later:
[[It turns out Dillon isn’t dead but has turned into Dr. Manhattan, er, Electro, and finds some clothes and stumbles out of the morgue dazed, confused, and dangerously super-powered]]

Gwen – Peter, I think even though we broke up, we should try to be friends.

Peter – Okay, but don’t be so darn adorable.

Gwen – Okay, but you don’t be cool and awesome.

Peter – Okay.  So maybe we could get back together after all…?

Gwen – I’m competing for a scholarship to go to Oxford University.

Peter – What, wait?  That’s kind of out of left field, isn’t it?  I mean, we’ve been dating for a few months at least and scholarships don’t just happen.  You’d have to have applied for this and probably already gone through a couple of rounds of interviews and tests and yet this has never been brought up once.

Gwen – Well, whatever the heck you’re doing for college hasn’t been brought up either.  Which is weird if these movies are supposed to realistic.  Seriously, what are you doing this summer and what are your plans for the future?

Peter – Um…

[[The romantic comedy is interrupted by Electro shorting out power in Times Square and people getting understandably freaked out by this]]

Times Square:
Electro – I’m on TV!  Even though it makes no sense for one camera to be tied into all the screens in Times Square!  People are paying attention to me!  The fact I’m a blue freak isn’t bothering me at all right now!

Spider-man – Cops, please let me handle this.

Cops – Sure, except for the snipers up there.

[[In what is probably the best scene of the movie, Spider-man is both completely aware of the danger Electro presents and totally sympathetic to his confused condition; he almost talks Electro down but a trigger-happy sniper shoots Electro even though it’s just been established bullets don’t hurt him and he lashes out the cops, which forces Spider-man to fight him directly]]

Electro – Hey!  Now all the screens show Spider-man!  This is my moment in the spotlight and he stole it from me.  I hate him now!  I hate him forever and ever and ever!  I KILL YOU!

Spider-man – Wait, what?  I tried to help you.  Your sudden swing to hating me makes no sense!  [[gets his webshooters fried but manages to save a bunch of bystanders from electrocuting themselves and stopping Electro’s rampage by using a firehose]]

Bystanders – Yay, Spider-man saved the day again!

[[For some reason, this compels Peter to examine the briefcase his father left from the last movie and try to find out what happened to his parents, and Harry learns the secret of the Plot Device, which shows him video on the spider research; Aunt May is going to nursing school but keeping this a secret from Peter for reasons that are never explained; Peter, science genius, also apparently has to watch YouTube videos to figure out how batteries work in a discordantly whimsical experiment to insulate his webshooters against Electro]]

Harry – Peter, I’m dying.  Even though the disease didn’t kill my father until he was well into his fifties, for reasons that aren’t explained it’s apparently advancing much more rapidly in me.

Peter – Dude, that sucks.

Harry – My father and Richard Parker were doing research to try to cure my father, and this would cure me.  All the research was destroyed, except somehow I think Spider-man got bit by one of those spiders.  I need his blood.  You take his pictures, so you know him.

Peter – Um, okay, I take his pictures, but I don’t know him.  That’s what the zoom lens is for.  And second, how do you know his blood would cure you?  It could make things worse.

Harry – Worse than dying?

Peter – Well, yeah, there are lots of things worse than dying.

Harry – I’m willing to risk that.  Find Spider-man for me.

Peter – Um.

[[In the meantime, Gwen searches the Oscorp files to figure out what happened to Max Dillon only to be blocked in her search and set on by security personnel which is in NO way suspicious but she runs into Peter and they hide in a closet]]

Peter – Well, this is romantic.

Gwen – Oscorp knows something about what happened to Max Dillon, the electrical guy, and they’re trying to cover it up.

Peter – Oh.  Harry wants Spider-man’s blood.  I’m afraid it will do terrible things to him.

Gwen – You’re probably right.

Peter – Also, I still love you and don’t want you to go to England.

Gwen – So you want to get back together?

Peter – No, I don’t want to see you get killed in a fight with one of my mortal enemies or something awful and totally unexpected like that.

Gwen – Whatever.  Get me away from these security guys.

[[Peter obliges, and Gwen meets up with Harry in the Elevator of Convenience, and they exchange what would be pleasantries if she wasn’t already clearly agitated and he wasn’t creepy]]

Ravencroft Institute:
Dr. Kafka (haha!!) – I’m going to torture you for no good reason in the name of scientific progress.

Electro – You’re lucky Oscorp just happened to have all this stuff to secure me or I’d totally kill you.

Menken – Maybe you shouldn’t torture the guy who is at this point of dangerous but ill-defined powers and unknown power levels.

Parker Household:
Aunt May – Peter, what’s with this wall of craziness about your parents?

Peter – I need to know what really happened to them.

Aunt May – Peter, why do you think that will help you in any way?  Ben and I took you in and raised you as our own, and now I’m trying to do right by you without Ben.  This is so hard.  Why can’t you trust me when I say you don’t need to know this?

Peter – Um, because I want to know.

Aunt May – That is apparently a compelling argument.  The government thought your father was a traitor.  I’m sorry.

[[Peter turns away from his crying aunt to brood angstily]]

Osborn Mansion:
Spider-man – Hi, Mr. Osborn, person whom I have never met before in my life.

Harry – Did Peter send you?

Spider-man – Yes.

Harry – Good.  I’m sure you’re here to help me and give me some of your blood to inject directly into my body.

Spider-man – Erm, no, actually.  I think my blood will cause very bad things to happen to you.  It’s not like you have a vast research corporation that could examine my blood and try to continue the work of your father and Dr. Parker and find a safe cure for you.

Harry – Yeah, where would I get a resource like that?  So give me the blood and I’ll take my chances.

Spider-man – I’m sorry, no. [[He swings away]]

Harry – Damn you!  I hate you!  I hate you forever and ever!

[[Peter manages to interrupt Gwen right as she’s going in for her final interview for her scholarship, embarrasses himself, embarrasses her, and runs back home to stumble on a Plot Device in his dad’s old stuff]]

Felicia – Mr. Osborn, the spider venom may still be available in something Mr. Menken calls “Special Projects.”

Harry – Oh, well, hell, why didn’t you say so?  [[Uses his dad Plot Device to access files on Electro and Special Projects but is interrupted by Menken throwing him out]]  Et tu, Obedia Stain?

Menken – What, no?  I’m totally not like that guy.  Get out.

Subway Tunnels:
[[Peter follows the clues to an abandoned subway tunnel and comes across his father’s hidden secret lab…what, wait?  How would Richard Parker even begin to set this up?  This doesn’t make any sense… So everything inside works perfectly despite being abandoned for over a decade and Peter stumbles onto the video his father was trying to upload in the beginning of the movie]]

Richard Parker (video) – I realized my genetic research was going to be used to make biological weapons, so I destroyed what data I could but I was framed by Oscorp.  But without my blood, or someone of my bloodline, they’ll never figure out how to make the spider venom into a super-soldier serum.  The worst part of all this is that I’m going to have to abandon my son who means everything in the world to me…

Peter – I was right!  I’m the only person who could be injected with the spider venom safely.  It would just hurt Harry.

Ravencroft Institute:
[[Harry enters the facility under false pretenses because apparently Menken forgot to tell the guards not to let Harry in and sets out to bust out Electro]]

Harry – Electro, help me get what I want, and I’ll help you destroy Spider-man.

Electro – Why should I help you?

Harry – Because you’re kind of crazy, and I need your kind of crazy or I’m going to die.

Electro – Okay, sounds good to me.  Can I kill that doctor that was torturing me first?

Harry – Go for it.

[[Electro does so and they escape]]

Electro – Hey, Menken, remember me?

Menken – Yes, but you shouldn’t remember me.  We’ve never met; I was at the institute but in an observation room that you couldn’t possibly have seen into.

Electro – Oh.

Menken – And how come you have clothes?

Electro – Um.

Harry – Take me to Special Projects before I kill you.

Menken – Okay.

Harry – Electro, have fun taking out the city’s power grid.

Electro – Will do. [[Disappears through a socket]]

Oscorp, Special Projects:
Harry – A harness with four arms, a harness with wings, what is this place?

Menken – The sequel vault, obviously.

[[Menken injects Harry with pure spider venom which causes a terrible reaction; he hits the lockdown switch, but this for some reason opens the door to the vault with the green armor with the healing ability, which Harry climbs into and it fits him perfectly.]]

New York City:
Gwen (voicemail) – I got the scholarship and I’m on my way to the airport to go to Oxford for early summer classes.

Peter – What?!  It never occurred to me when she broke up with me that she might go off and live her own life!

[Gwen is stuck in a cab on a bridge]

Cab Driver – Hey, look, Spider-man vandalized that bridge by spelling out “I love you.”

Gwen – I gotta go.  [somehow Spider-man sees her and swoops her up to the top of a bridge]

Peter – Don’t leave me.  I’ll go to England with you if you want, but I just can’t live without you.

Gwen – Okay.

[[And power to the city goes down; And unbeknownst to the main character, two airplanes are now on a collision course, but if the main character doesn’t know about it, why is this even in the movie?]]

Gwen – Oh, no, that must be Electro.  If we don’t reset the grid, the city will never get power back up.  Even though in 2003 the entire Northeastern seaboard and parts of the Midwest lost power for the better part of a day, and there were no long term impacts, and even though in 2012 a derecho took out power for over 3 million people in a swath from Indiana to Washington D.C., and power was restored to a majority within the week, this crisis will be a complete catastrophe!  The stakes are so high!

Peter – Damn!  And I never even figured out how to keep my webshooters from frying!

Gwen – You just need to magnetize them.

Peter – Oh.

Gwen – And I’m going with you.  Because even though I’m a biological researcher, I’ve seen the specs to the power grid and am completely qualified to reset it.

Peter – Okay, first of all, why would you even know that?  And second, why can’t you tell me how to do it?

Gwen – Reasons…  Do you want me to fix your webshooters or not?

[[Gwen shows him how, and he webs her to a car for her own safety while he goes to fight Electro at the main power grid thing, which has a clock tower why?]]

Main Power Grid:
Electro – I hate you and I’m going to kill you.

Spider-man – Please don’t.

[[The fight goes poorly until Gwen runs over Electro with a car, which gives Spider-man a little breathing room]]

Ghost of Captain Stacy – You know you’re going to get my daughter killed one day, don’t you?

Gwen – I’m going to reset the grid and there is nothing you can do to stop me.  Whatever happens, even something as totally unlikely as me getting killed, is completely my responsibility, you got that?

Spider-man – Okay!

[[Thus commences the set piece of the movie between Spider-man and Electro, which ends when Gwen uses a key to turn a switch and she couldn’t have told Peter that why again?]]

Spider-man – Thank goodness that’s all over with.

Green Goblin – Not so fast, sucker!

Spider-man – Whoa, what the hell happened to you?

Gwen – Should I run or something?  Or I could just stand here and stare.  Yeah, I’ll do that.

Green Goblin – [[puts two and two together]]  You’re Peter Parker!  Okay, I’m going to kill your girlfriend now!

Gwen – Wait, what, why?  You have no motivation to so!  [[he grabs Gwen and flies into the air]]

Spider-man – Let her go!

Green Goblin – Okey-dokey.  [[does so]]

[[Spider-man manages to catch her before she smashes through the clock tower]]

Gwen – You saved me!  [[A pumpkin bomb lands next to them]]  Uh-oh!

[[What follows is a fight between Spider-man and Green Goblin as Spidey desperately tries to keep Gwen from falling to her death when the clock gears cut the webbing; but, of course, as we know because there’s no foreshadowing in this, Gwen falls and Spider-man fails to catch her before her head splats against the floor and explodes like a melon; wait, no, that would be too gruesome so instead her “neck snaps”]]

Spider-man – Noooooo!!!!

[[And thus follows a funeral in which we are not treated to the ghost of Captain Stacy or Gwen Stacy and Peter gives up being Spider-man because he’s sad and then mopes through three or four or five months not doing anything at all, apparently]]

Ravencroft Institute:
Mysterious Gentleman from the First Movie – How are you feeling?

Harry – Oh, you know, it comes and goes.

Gentleman – I think we have some good candidates for your plan.  In fact, I’m going to get one ready right now.

Harry – Excellent.

[[After Aunt May packs up Uncle Ben’s things, Peter finally watches Gwen’s whole weird graduation speech which gives him reason to be Spider-man again]]

New York City:
[[Sytsevich has been busted out of jail and given a ridiculous personal armored tank and is wreaking havoc in Midtown and no one is running away!!  Seriously, how long as this been going on since the cops even had time to erect a crowd barrier!]]

Rhino – Hahahahahaha!!!

Stupid Little Kid – Spider-man’s awesome, and if he won’t stop you, I will, because I want to be just like him!  [[and the cops are incapable of preventing him from getting in the middle of the fight]]  Hey you!

Rhino – Wow.  I mean, wow.  I have no idea how to react to this.  I mean, even I don’t want to just gun down a kid.

Stupid Little Kid – I’m Spider-man!

Spider-man – Aw, that’s great kid, but let me do the heavy lifting, okay?

Stupid Little Kid – Okay!  You’re the best!  [[runs back to his mother who again does not immediately leave the area; what the hell is wrong with these people?]]

Spider-man – Yep, I am the best.  Despite tragedy, I have not changed or grown in any meaningful way.  Now to engage in an awesome fight scene with the Rhino!

Rhino – Bring it!

–cut to black just like that; no fight scene for you–

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S. J. Drew is an aspiring writer who finally entered the blogosphere to shamelessly promote that writing (as evidenced by the title of the blog). Whether or not this works remains to be seen, but S. J. hopes you are at least entertained. And if you're actually reading this, that's probably a good sign.

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