Fifteen-minute Movie – The Two Towers

or, “Frodo and Sam Walking”

Emyn Muil (or whatever):
Frodo – Gahh!! I just dreamt some exposition about Gandalf that didn’t really make any sense.

Sam – Oh, great, we’re lost, and we’ve got no guide or idea where we’re going. Who thought it was a good plan to leave us out here to fend for ourselves anyway?

Frodo – Gollum’s been stalking us. Let’s make him help.

Gollum – Wasss not! Nasty kinky hobbitses. Take off the rope! You can trust me… we’re doing it only for the ring, but you can trust us…

Sam – Maybe you should get checked for obsessive-compulsive disorder, among other things.

Frodo – Ok, you can lead us.

Sam – Uh, hello? Haven’t you been paying attention?

Frodo – It’s my quest, so I say he leads us. So there. *Phhbt*

The plains, somewhere:
Legolas – Look at me as I run about pointing dramatically!

Gimli – I’m funny because I have short legs and can’t run long distances.

Aragorn – Cut the witty banter and let’s get going!

Saruman – Go, nasty wild men! Kill the Rohirrim for me! While I continue to build my invincible army of Uruk-hai by chopping down an ancient and powerful forest!! These words have yet to come back and haunt me!! Muhahahaha!!

Eomer – Theoden, the Uruk-hai are causing a lot of trouble. We need to kill them.

Theoden – hhhrrrhhhghh

Wormtongue – Saruman’s our friend. These Uruk-hai are simply being friendly. Perhaps they’ll bring a cake.

Eomer – What am I, stupid?

Theoden – hhhrrrhhhghh

Wormtongue – No. Clearly you see the perfectly obvious. I’ll have to get rid of you, leaving me to stalk your sister without interruption. Bye-bye now.

Uruk-hai running:
Pippin – Man, was this a bad idea, going on this quest thing.

Merry – *Groan*

Orcs – We wants to eat! We wants to eat hobbits!

Uruk-hai – Stupid wimpy orcs. Saruman wants them unspoiled.

Orcs – Pervy hobbit fancier.

Uruk-hai – Hey, trees! Cut them down!

Trees – I wouldn’t do that if I were you.

Uruk-hai – La la la la! Can’t hear you over the sound of the axes.

Merry – If only we had a diversion, we could escape.

[[Rohirrim attack]]

Pippin – That’ll work.

[[Merry and Pippin escape into the forest]]

Pippin – Whoo. That was close. Nothing bad will happen to us now.

[[the orc attacks Merry]]

Merry – Stop saying things like that!

[[Treebeard squishes it and picks up the hobbits]]

Treebeard – What the hell are you? Nevermind, I’ll ask the white wizard.

Merry – Great, he means Saruman. This thing has just gone from bad to worse. Who’s stupid idea was this?

The plains, somewhere:
Legolas – Are we there yet?

Aragorn – I’ll ask those riders up ahead. Yo, riders of Rohan!

Eomer – Wait, wait, stop me if you’ve heard this one. An elf, a man, and a dwarf walk into the Riddermark…

Gimli – We’re in a bit of hurry, smart-ass. We’re chasing Uruk-hai to find our hobbits.

Eomer – Pervy hobbit fancier.

Gimli – Hey, I’ve got an elf and I’m not afraid to use him!

Aragorn – That’s not helping… Where are the hobbits?

Eomer – Well, gosh, about that… See, we killed them. Last night. Oops. Here, take these horses. They aren’t hobbits, but they’ll serve you well… *snicker* Let’s move it, people! And watch out for the white wizard!!

Legolas – What is that smell? Oh, burning Uruk-hai. Nasty.

Aragorn – Hey, we’re in luck. The hobbits crawled into the forest. See how clever I am to read these tracks?

Legolas – I’m still prettier.

Aragorn – Move it, elf-boy.

Fangorn Forest:
Legolas – These are the most awesome trees!

Gimli – You know, trees just aren’t my thing.

Legolas – Uh-oh. With my nifty elfy senses, I can tell something wicked this way comes.

White Wizard – Boo!

Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli – Gahh!! Don’t scare us like that! Lousy Saruman.

White Wizard – I’m not Saruman. Here, let me block the glare of the light behind my head. I’m Gandalf.

Aragorn – Well, that’s a relief. But I’m pretty sure I watched you plummet to your death wtih that Balrog.

Gandalf – Funny story about that really. See, I fell down, but ended up on a mountain top. Crazy old world. Anyway, it’s dead and I’m here to help you. Follow me.

Rest of party – *shrug* Ok… whatever moves the story along.

Eowyn – Great. My brother’s been banished, my uncle looks like death warmed over, and I’ve got a stalker. Fabulous.

Wormtongue – I’m not just a stalker, I’m a creepy stalker. Come on, babe. You know you want me.

Eowyn – Let me think. Hmm… No! You creepy freak! -stomps off-

[[Gandalf and Co. arrive]]

Guard – Leave your weapons. -they disarm-  Good grief, you guys are like some walking arsenal. Your staff goes too.

Gandalf – If you let me keep it, I’ll kick Wormtongue’s ass.

Guard – Sounds fair.

Gandalf – Theoden. You look terrible. You could use some exorcise.

Theoden – I don’t think so, jackass. You’re still Gandalf the Grey. I’m Saruman the White. White trumps Grey.

Gandalf – Ha! I got a costume change! Behold the blinding light!

Theoden – Gahh!!!

Saruman – Damn, that was a powerful costume change. What a jerk, stealing my look.

Theoden – Whoo. I feel better. So, anything interesting happen?

Gandalf – Nothing much. Uruk-hai are overrunning your land, your son is dead, and your nephew was banished.

Theoden – See, this is why I don’t invite you over more often.

Wormtongue – I’ll just be going now… Byeeee!

Theoden – Alright, let’s get my people safe into Helm’s Deep.

Gandalf – That’s a bad idea.

Theoden – Hey, I’m the king, so you can stuff it. To Helm’s Deep we go.

Eowyn – Hey, Aragorn, you’re hot. Want to teach me how to use a sword, hint, hint?

Aragorn – Er, I need to go, now… Over here…

Dead Marshes:
Sam – (to Gollum) So then I says, that Frodo, he’s a real looker. -jumps- Oh, heh, look at that… the story is back to us. *shudders* This place is mega-creepy.

Gollum – Yess. Follow me, hobbitses. And don’t follow the lights.

Frodo – I think I’ll take a swim. *splash* Ok, this was a poor idea.

Gollum – -saves him- I said don’t follow the lights. How hard is that? See thossse, those are lights. Don’t follow them. Don’t follow the lights means don’t go swimming. Stupid hobbitses.

Nazgul – Here Ring! Here, Ringy, Ringy… Here, hobbit, hobbit, hobbit!!

Frodo – Pretty…shiny…*drools*

Sam – Knock it off, Mr. Frodo. Honestly, if you want to fondle something, there are better things…

Frodo – What are you talking about?

Gollum – Let’sss just go. Now.

Fangorn Forest:
Merry – Can we get on with this? I’ve got splinters in my furry little rump.

Treebeard – Yes, this war requires an executive decision. First, a meeting. Then we order doughnuts.

On the road to Helm’s Deep:
Eowyn – So, do you have a girlfriend?

Aragorn – Not anymore.

Elrond – Forget him, Arwen. He’s just a filthy human who needs to shave and wash his hair. There are lots of fish in the sea, and you’ll have eternity to find someone good enough for you.

Arwen – But Daddy, he’s so dreamy.

Galadriel – Ah, good, my cameo. So, are we going to let those short-lived men die, or are we going to help them? I can send out Haldir. He’s really just not pretty enough anyway.

Back to the road:
Saruman – This movie needs some action. Send out the Wargs!

Legolas – Who let the Wargs out?

Wargs – Snarl, growl!

Aragorn – Watch out for that cliffffff…

Arwen – Wake up, darling.

Aragorn – Dream or not, I’d rather it be you and not the horse kissing me.

Saruman – Go, my invincible Uruk-hai army! Nothing can stop you now!! Muhahahaha!!!

Fangorn Forest:
Treebeard – Ok, we’ve decided we aren’t going to war.

Merry – Wait a minute, that doesn’t sound right. Someone hand me a copy of the book…

The Morannin (Black Gate):
Sam – Right, let’s walk right into Mordor and get this job done.

Gollum – Stupid hobbitses! You can’t just walk into Mordor. Remember that ssscary eyeball? Yeah, well, it’s watching this gate.

Frodo – Ok, Mr. Smartypants, how do you think we should get into Mordor?

Gollum – Sssame way I got in. Follow me.

Smeagol/Gollum – I don’t likes you. I’m not talking to you anymore.

Gollum/Smeagol – Ha! Just try it. You need me. You can’t live without me.

Smeagol/Gollum – Shut up, you. I only need master now. *Phbbt*

Gollum/Smeagol – Fine, I’ll go, you pervy hobbit fancier. But I’ll be back, and you’ll be sorry. *Phbbt*

Ithilien (later):
Sam – I’m telling you, you’ve got to stew rabbits and make a nice thick, brown gravy.

Gollum – Feh. What you don’t know about cooking could fill a book.

Frodo – Hey, guys, I know that isn’t really a birdcall. We should probably leave.

Sam – Oh, yeah, and what do you know about cooking, living in a cave?

Gollum – I knowsss you need to tenderize your rabbitses first.

Frodo – Um, guys, there’s some wicked looking soldiers marching this way.

Sam – You can compensate for that by stewing them extra long.

Gollum – Sstupid hobbit! You cook all the flavor out.

Frodo – Guys! Arrows are flying. We need to go now.

Sam – Oh, right. Sorry. Hey, is that an oliphant?

[[they’re nabbed by the men; but Gollum slips off]]

Frodo – Sam, you idiot.

Sam – Sorry.

Faramir – So, what are you and why are you here?

Frodo – Sightseeing. It’s lovely this time of year, don’t you think?

Faramir – What am I, stupid? Let’s go.

The Falls:
Faramir – Let’s try this again. What are you and why are you here?

Frodo – We’re on a secret mission. We had others, but we lost them, including a guy for Gondor called Boromir. Maybe you know him.

Faramir – That was my brother, he’s dead now, and thank you so much for bringing up a painful memory.

Osgiliath (flashback):
Boromir – Let’s drink some beer.

Faramir – Sounds good to me. Uh-oh, Dad’s here.

Denethor – Faramir, you’re an incompetent. Boromir, my favorite son, go get the ring from Elrond. It would go great with my scepter.

Boromir – But Daaad, I don’t want to.

Faramir – I’ll do it.

Denethor – Hell no, you’re my loser son. I’m sending off my winner son to get this thing done right.

[[end flashback]]

Faramir – Say, is that weird fishy creature in our pond part of your secret mission? I’ll kill him if you say no.

Frodo – Yes. He is. But he’s kind of nuts.

Smeagol/Gollum – Gah! No, I had come to trust the hobbitses. I should have listened to my other personality *sobs*

Gollum/Smeagol – I’m baaaack! Sucker. I told you so. *Phbbt* He’s got the Ring, you know.

Faramir – Well, that’s handy. Let’s get this puppy to Osgiliath. Dad will be wanting it.

Frodo – Osgiliath? Is that in the book? I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to let me be on my way at this point.

Helm’s Deep:
Legolas – Aragorn, you look terrible, like you fell off a cliff or something. Geez, you’d think you’d be cleaner after a swim in a river. Oh, here’s Arwen’s necklace back.

Aragorn – We’ll settle this later, elf-boy. Theoden, there’s a huge army of Uruk-hai coming to kill us all.

Theoden – Well, hell. And what am I supposed to do about it? Where do you propose I get a large number of highly trained and expendable soldiers on short notice?

Haldir – You rang?

Legolas – Gimli, what are you doing?

Gimli – Checking this book… I don’t remember our asses being saved by a bunch of pansy elves!

Aragorn – Gimli, this is not the time. The Uruk-hai are coming.

Uruk-hai – We’re hereee!

[[the battle commences]]

Theoden – Hey, this is going pretty darn well for our side.

[[the Uruk-hai blow up the outer wall]]

Theoden – Nope. Nope. Never mind.

Gimli – Toss me.

Aragorn – Gimli, this is not the time.

Gimli – Not that! I need to be in front of the Uruk-hai so that they can run onto my axe. And if you tell that pansy elf, I’ll kill you.

Aragorn – Sounds fair.

Fangorn Forest:
Pippin – Let’s go to Isengard.

Treebeard – What? Why? You’ll get in trouble with Saruman. Shouldn’t you call or something?

Merry – There’s no way Treebeard’s going to fall for that old trick.

Treebeard – Actually, I am.

Faramir – Well, hell. This is the second time I’ve lost this damn city. Frodo. Hey, where did that hobbit get off to?

Nazgul – Here, hobbit, hobbit, hobbit.

Frodo – Sure, you can have the ring. No problem. *drools*

Sam – He’s mine. You can’t have him! [[hits Frodo with a flying tackle]]

Frodo – Sam, you idiot, I was getting a great price for that thing.

Sam – Um, I just kept you from giving away Middle-Earth.

Frodo – Oh. Right. Sorry about that.

Faramir – Oh, I get it now! When you warned me the ring corrupts, you meant that. And I thought it was a clever trick. You’d better get going to Mordor now. I’m sure you’ll be fine by yourselves with Gollum leading you through a pass of dark terror and an unspeakable horror. Good luck.

Treebeard – My forest! How could I have missed this? I am so stupid! Ents, attack Saruman! He needs to learn not to mess with an ancient and powerful force of nature.

Pippin – Um, where is the rest of the forest going?

Treebeard – To take out Saruman’s invincible army.

Helm’s Deep:
Theoden – We are getting our butts kicked. Time for a suicide run!

Aragorn – Sounds fair.

[[they ride out]]

Gandalf – I brought the calvary!

[[the battle is fought, the Uruk-hai run into Fangorn Forest]]

Theoden – What the hell? I don’t remember a great big forest here yesterday.

[[screams are emitted from the forest, and no Uruk-hai come out]]

Gimli – Ha! Maybe I can begin to like trees. Those orcs are mulched.

Saruman – No!! My words have come back to haunt me! Gandalf escaped! My invincible army has been defeated by the ancient and powerful force animating the forest. I’d better hide out until they go away.

Helm’s Deep:
Gandalf – And now we stare purposefully into the sequel.

Gollum – Ssstupid hobbitses. No one double-crosses us. We’ll let her kill them off for us. Heh. To the sssequel, hobbitses.

-fade to black-


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S. J. Drew is an aspiring writer who finally entered the blogosphere to shamelessly promote that writing (as evidenced by the title of the blog). Whether or not this works remains to be seen, but S. J. hopes you are at least entertained. And if you're actually reading this, that's probably a good sign.

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