Thorin – Wait, why is this movie starting in Bree of all places?
Gandalf – Just go with it. So, I know who you are and that someone is trying to kill you before you reclaim Erebor and kill that dragon. But don’t worry; I can help!
The Carrock Area (the present):
[[Thorin and Co are still running from Azog and his orcish band; hey, at least they aren’t walking]]
Bilbo – There’s a great big scary bear out there too!
Gandalf – Oh, that’s Beorn. Our only chance is to lock ourselves in his house and hope he doesn’t kill us.
Thorin – I’m so glad you’re helping, Gandalf.
Beorn – You guys broke into my house and locked me out. I should kill you, but instead I’ll provide some exposition about the wood elves.
Thorin – Oh, well, that’s…nice.
Beorn – I’m also giving you supplies so you get the hell out of here as quickly as possible.
Thorin – I’m okay with that.
Gate to Mirkwood:
Gandalf – Okay, everyone, turn the ponies loose and I’ll lead you through the dangerous forest.
Galadriel (telepathically) – You need to go investigate some tombs for reasons vaguely relating to confirming the true identity of the necromancer. You need to go right now!
Gandalf – Okay, sorry everyone, change of plans. I’ve got a thing and you’ll have to get through the forest yourselves, but I’ll meet you later.
Thorin – What!?
Gandalf – Anyway, don’t stray from the path.
Bilbo – Wait, I have something to tell you.
Gandalf – Okay.
Bilbo – Um, good luck!
Gandalf – And I critically failed my perception and sense motive checks again, so I assume everything is fine. Also, do not go into the mountain without me. I want those XPs for killing the dragon.
[[In less time than it takes to run to the restroom and back, the dwarves completely lose the path and start hallucinating and end up captured by giant spiders]]
Bilbo – It is really lucky I was able to cut myself free despite being entirely wrapped up in webs and much less strong than a dwarf. [[puts on the ring and frees the dwarves]] It’s also really lucky these webs are so thick that the dwarves slowly drift to the ground instead of falling to their doom. [[then Bilbo drops the ring and freaks out until he gets it back]] Oh, wow, so that was, um, totally weird. I’m starting to think there’s something wrong with this thing. Well, better get back to Thorin and Co.
Thorin and Co – ARGH! Too many spiders!!!
Legolas – I’ll save you!
Thorin – Um, what? I’m pretty sure you’re not in the book this movie is based on.
Kili – The hot elf chick sure as hell isn’t in the book either but I really don’t mind, so you be quiet, okay?
Bilbo (who is hidden) – Oh, so the young dark-haired one is Kili! That means the young blonde is Fili. I’m going to make a note of that.
Thorin – Yeah, fine, I hate all elves so what do I care if there’s an overt effort to establish continuity the “LotR” trilogy?
Legolas – Well, I hate all dwarves and I think you’re thieves so move it, losers!
Bilbo (invisible) – Wait for meeeee!
Wooden King’s Hall:
[[The dwarves are disarmed, which takes quite a lot of time]]
Random Dwarf – Is anyone else reminded of that scene in The Two Towers before Aragorn and crew are allowed in to see King Theoden? Just me? Huh.
Legolas – Dude, this is one ugly big dog. And that’s an ugly little dog!
Other Random Dwarf – That’s my wife! And my son, Gimli! Hey! Wait! I have a name! I’m Gloin, and that’s my family, you elfy prick!
Bilbo (invisible) – Gloin. Right. And the old dwarf is now certainly Balin. I’ll get all their names by the end of this movie for certain!
Legolas – Whatever. It’s not as though I’ll ever like dwarves in any way, much less befriend one and bridge the centuries of distrust between our two peoples. But you can keep the pictures of the dogs.
Kili – Hey, hot red-headed elf chick, I might have a dagger down my pants if you know what I mean.
Tauriel – Probably a really tiny dagger.
Kili – Harsh.
Tauriel – But I think you’re kind of cute anyway.
Kili – I am. Also, I’m not a stuck-up, jerky elf like Blondie over there, who is totally stalking you.
Legolas – I am not! There is a very important reason I am up here staring at Tauriel talking to a prisoner!
Wooden King’s Throne:
Thranduil – So you want Erebor back, right? Specifically, you’re going to the Lonely Mountain to steal the Arkenstone.
Thorin – Dude, you are creeping me out. It’s like you’re reading my thoughts, and you’re really up close in my personal space.
Thranduil – Yeah, not sorry… So here’s the deal. I’ll let you go on your way to the Lonely Mountain if you bring me back some lovely white gems that belong to me anyway. What do you say?
Thorin – You remember in the first movie when you showed up with a big army for reasons that still won’t be explained and completely failed to help us fight the dragon in any way? Yeah, you can [untranslatable]!
Thranduil – Stupid dwarf! Do you think I don’t know a thing or two about facing dragons?
Thorin – Um, yes? Um, also, your magic slipped there for a second and you look like Harvey Dent under that elfy glamour trick. The answer is still no and you’re about maxing out my creep-o-meter here.
Thranduil – You’re the only one to notice. Anyway, you go back to your cell and rot while I break Tauriel’s heart by telling her there’s no way she can marry my son and shouldn’t begin to give him the least impression they can possibly be together.
Thorin – Look, I know I’m biased against elves, but you guys are really being jerks.
Radagast – Gandalf, why are we here?
Gandalf – To check out these tombs.
Radagast – No, I mean, why are we here, in this movie, in this scene? I’m not even in this book! You left the dwarves and don’t join up with them until the finale. Why are we spending screen time on this? There are lots of ways to let the audience know the necromancer is really Sauron without padding out a pointless subplot. I mean, isn’t this movie about the hobbit?
Gandalf – Um, oh, that’s a Ringwraith tomb! And you should wash your face! Next scene!
Wooden King’s Hall:
[[Kili and Tauriel bond/flirt some more]]
Random Dwarf – So is anyone else reminded of Gimli’s clumsy but instant infatuation with Galadriel in The Fellowship of the Ring? Just me? Huh.
Balin – Thorin, you told the king to do what with his what!? Great. Now we’re doomed.
Bilbo – I’ve got the keys! And a plan! So follow me and please be quiet.
Wooden King’s Cellar:
Bilbo – Okay, you get in the barrels, I dump you out in the river, you try not to drown, and hopefully we’ll all make it out of here alive.
Thorin – That is a terrible plan!
Bilbo – I only had like, an hour, to figure this out, so it’s this or back to your cells before the guards wake up from their drunken stupor.
Thorin – Okay, people, into the barrels. Move it, move it!
[[After a bit of a false start, everyone is riding down the Totally Unsuitable for Transporting Goods River’s rapids ‘o fun time in barrels! You can almost hear the video game background music. The dwarves are almost thwarted by a closed gate but luckily Azog and the orcs attack! Because someone as paranoid as Thranduil has been shown to be totally would not notice a huge band of orcs sneaking up on his back door. Legolas and Tauriel take out orcs while Kili gets shot but ultimately allows Thorin and Co to escape down the raging river.]]
Wooden King’s Throne:
Legolas – Okay, orc thing, better starting talking, and it had better be relevant to the plot or we’ll kill you.
Orc – That dwarf is going to die because the arrow was a Morgul arrow, you know, like how Frodo was stabbed with a Morgul blade in Fellowship of the Ring.
Tauriel – Oh, hey, um, I have a thing. Laters. [[she leaves]]
Legolas – Okay, how plot information we elves actually care about?
Orc – Um, okay, well, war is coming to Middle-Earth lead by a great evil…
[[Thranduil abruptly beheads the orc.]]
Legolas – Daaaaaad! What did you do that for? That seemed relevant! Maybe even ominous and foreboding!
Thranduil – It’s nothing you need to worry about. Everything is just fine. I’m also ordering the city be sealed and no one be allowed to enter or leave because everything is just fine here.
[[Naturally Tauriel has already left when the order is given but Legolas follows her; Azog is also summoned by his Master to leave the hunt for Thorin, but assigns his trusted lieutenant the task instead]]
Thorin – I maintain that was a terrible plan!
Bilbo – Hey, you’re out and alive, aren’t you?
Bard – For now, anyway.
Balin – Um, you’re human, yes? And you have a boat? Here’s the deal. We’ll pay you money to get us to Laketown.
Random Dwarf – Wait, the elves left us our money? I’m not sure that makes any sense.
Bard – Yeah, it looks like there was a battle in these barrels, so I’m thinking not.
Balin – We’ll pay you double.
Bard – I’m thinking you guys should hustle onto my boat!
[[Bard navigates through the ruins of Dale (presumably) although this makes no sense as Dale was at the end of the lake near the mountain and Laketown was built far away from the mountain; after suffering numerous indignities, Thorin and Co are finally safe in Bard’s house]]
Bard – We’re not safe, though. The Master is being manipulated by a toady in a fashion similar to Wormtongue’s manipulation of King Theoden in The Two Towers.
Thorin – Hey, a really cool dwarf weapon is on the Master’s house. This is the perfect opportunity for some back story about how the last Master of Dale tried to kill the dragon with the black arrows but missed every time. You know, if that bumbling human had been a better shot, he could have saved everyone.
Bard – So some poor human is solely responsible for the coming of the dragon, collapse of your kingdom, and the destruction of Dale because clearly any idiot should be able to slay a dragon with no problem. Right.
Thorin – Your scathing and accurate rebuttal is of no interest to me. So, get us some weapons and we’ll get moving. We don’t have any time.
Bilbo – Um, what? I thought we didn’t know when Durin’s Day was.
Balin – We do now, I guess.
[[The weapons’ raid is unsuccessful and the dwarves are forced to explain themselves to the Master; Bard has finally done some research on his guests and isn’t happy]]
Bard – They’ll wake the dragon and get us all killed!
Thorin – Um, if we get our kingdom back, we’ll pay lots of money!
Master – Well, that convinces me! Give them supplies and let the gold start flowing in! Bard, you’re just upset it was your ancestor that screwed up!
Bard – Hey! He broke the dragon’s armor! He just needed one more shot, that’s all! I’ll fix this weakness of my family the same way Aragorn fixed his in The Return of the King!
Radagast – I still don’t think we need to be here.
Gandalf – Look, I’m sure it’s a trap, but we have to confront the necromancer.
Radagast – No, I mean I don’t think we need to be in the movie right now. I feel like I’m getting almost as much screen time as the hobbit!
Gandalf – Then go get Galadriel while I do something stupid, okay?
Thorin – Kili, you’re injured so you stay here with, um, we’ll call him Doc. Yes, you stay here with Doc.
Bilbo – Do you even know all their names?
Random Dwarf – Doesn’t anyone think this is like we’re splitting the party similar to the breaking of the fellowship? Just me? Huh.
Fili – Uncle, I’m staying here with Kili.
Bilbo – Oh, so Kili and Fili are Thorin’s nephews, which I guess makes them princes too. That seems like relevant information we should have gotten sooner.
Thorin – Whatever. We can’t wait any longer. Let’s go.
Crazy Hat Dwarf Who is Bifur Probably – I overslept! Wait for me! Or, you know, not. Well, this sucks.
Kili – Argh! And I think I’m dying from this arrow-wound!
Bard – And I got arrested and thrown in a cell for no good reason at all!
Thorin – Where the hell is that damn door?
Bilbo – Um, maybe near the head of that giant and totally unsuspicious dwarf statue that appears to have a staircase carved into his robe?
Balin – Oh, right, yep, that’s the way.
Bilbo – Wait, what? I was kidding! How can you possibly consider the door hidden when it’s next to something so conspicuous?
Balin – It’s just the door that’s hidden, not the path to the door.
Bilbo – *facepalm*
[[The dwarves get up the staircase but can’t find the door and Thorin is easily disheartened, drops the key, and they all leave; luckily Bilbo is made of sterner stuff and sticks around for five more minutes and finds the keyhole and they get the door open]]
Doc – Kili is dying! Bard’s children, find us some kingsfoil!
Bard’s Son – What, you mean that weed that was so important to healing Frodo in Fellowship of the Ring after he got stabbed by the Morgul blade?
Doc – Yes!
Orc 1 – How about we kill you instead?
Crazy Hat Dwarf Who is Bifur Probably – How about no?
[[The kids scream and the dwarves do their best to fight]]
Orc 2 – Yay! Terrorizing children! This is the best day evar!
Tauriel – Not anymore, scum! [[she and Legolas proceed to dispatch all the orcs in the tiny hut]]
Legolas – Come on, we need to hunt them all down and find out what’s really going on! I mean, even if Thorin is who he says he is, it is just crazy for these orcs to invade my kingdom, invade this little town, and continue to pursue them so doggedly.
Tauriel – I can’t go with you.
Legolas – What? Why not?
Tauriel – I came here to help the dwarf, and I will do so by healing him in a fashion that is very similar to what Arwen did for Frodo in Fellowship of the Ring.
[[Legolas has a pointless fight with the orcs and ends up tearing after the trusted lieutenant while Tauriel does in fact help heal Kili]]
Gandalf – Come out come out wherever you are!
Necromancer – Boo!
Gandalf – GAH! Okay, I didn’t actually expect you would do that. Well, let’s fight! [[So they fight in a pointless battle that strongly resembles Gandalf’s fight with the Balrog mashed up with his fight with Saruman that he totally loses. Boy, I’m also so glad he’s helping Thorin and Co.]]
Balin – Here’s the plan. You are going to steal one fantastic gem called the Arkenstone. We’ll then go to the other dwarf kingdoms and Thorin will use the Arkenstone to prove his claim to the throne. Once we have a real dwarf army, we’ll come back here and slay the dragon, assuming he’s not dead of course.
Bilbo – That… that’s actually a good plan! I understand why you needed a burglar. Get the stone, don’t wake the dragon, and kill the dragon with an army! Wow, and here I thought your whole plan was, “he’s probably dead.”
Balin – Nope. We are more clever than that. Just don’t wake the dragon.
Bilbo – Wait, what does this Arkenstone look like?
Balin – It’s a large white gem that you will know when you see it.
Bilbo – [[He goes down into the mountain]] Well, okay, a large white gem. How hard can this be to find? [[He sees acres and acres of lovingly rendered CG gold and gems that would put Scrooge McDuck’s moneybin to shame]] Well, I hope those dwarves aren’t in a hurry. This would take a while even if I knew exactly what I was looking for. Well, at least I don’t see any dragon. [[He searches for a bit until the goldslide reveals a very large eyeball that blinks]] @#$& me! [[puts on ring]]
Smaug – Hello, thief. Do you think I can’t hear you and smell you and sense that evil you wear on your person? Let’s chat, ‘kay?
Bilbo – [[takes off ring]] Well, since you found me anyway, I might as well not be invisible.
Smaug – So why are you here?
Bilbo – To see you, o great Smaug. Really, it’s the same reason the entire audience is here – to see the dragon.
Smaug – What do you think?
Bilbo – You are an even more beautifully rendered CGI than the gold. You are the best dragon I have ever seen put to film. You are absolutely magnificent. I have no complaints whatsoever about your appearance and you are now the gold standard for dragons on-screen. [[sees large white gem scintillating with rainbow colors in the gold and edges towards it]] Truly, you were worth the price of admission.
Smaug – Why, thank you! By the way, you aren’t trying to steal the Arkenstone for Thorin Oakenshield, are you?
Bilbo – Um, no.
Smaug – I could let you since all this wealth will drive him mad just as it did his father and grandfather, or I just destroy you and all the dwarves. What do you think? Thief? Thief? Hey!
[[Bilbo runs for his life]]
Thorin – Bilbo, we felt the earthquake. What’s going on?
Bilbo – What do you think you crazy dwarf? Smaug is very much alive, very much awake, and very much determined to eat us! So let’s go!
Thorin – Did you get the Arkenstone?
Bilbo – What? Are you really asking me about that gem when I just told you Smaug is awake? The dragon is coming to kill us. Priorities!
Thorin – My priority is that gem! Give it to me!
Bilbo – You go get it! I’m outta here!
Smaug – Oh no you don’t!
Thorin – Damn, we’ll have to kill him ourselves!
Bilbo – That sounds pretty impossible but sure, let’s go for it!
[[Thorin improvises a pretty good plan that involves the massive forges of Erebor, plenty of water, and enough molten gold to wreck several world economies; sadly, even attempting to drown/smother/burn Smaug with molten gold does not work and only makes him angry]]
Smaug – That’s it! New plan! I’m going to kill everyone in Laketown because they clearly helped you, and then I’m going to come back and kill every single one of you!
Bilbo – This is just great! No XP for killing the dragon, and I still didn’t figure out all the dwarves’ names!