or, “This is an Alternate Universe and Anything Could Happen Damn it!”
or, “I am Not Spock”
The final frontier:
[[A big hole in space complete with space lightning opens up near the USS Kelvin]]
Captain – Space lightning? Seriously?
Science Officer – Yep, space lightning. But I’m acknowledging it’s impossible.
Lens Flare – Hi everyone!
[[A mysterious ship emerges from the hole and blows the holy living hell out of the Kelvin]]
Nero – What’s up? I’m jamming all your transmissions and transporting. Send your captain over or I finish blowing the holy living hell out of your ship.
Captain – That Romulan is totally going to kill me.
George Kirk – Wait, we know what a Romulan is? I thought they were introduced a bit later in the original series.
Captain – If you’re actually going to compare this to anything that happened in the original series or the previous movies, you are going to be really disappointed.
Kirk – But their ship doesn’t look Romulan and since when do Romulans have tattoos?
Captain – Don’t think too much about this.
Kirk – Duly noted, sir.
Lens Flare – Me again!
Captain – Kirk, you’re in command. Evacuate everyone while I buy us some time.
[[The captain goes over to the Romulan ship where they conveniently speak Federation-lish]]
Nero – Give me Ambassador Spock and his little ship.
Captain – I have no idea who that old guy is or what you’re talking about. What century are you from anyway?
Lens Flare – Cool! Time travel and alternative universes. That’s bold!
Nero – It doesn’t matter to you, only the audience. And I’m going to kill you now. [[does so]] Okay, blow up that ship.
Lens Flare – I’m over here!
Nero – Wait a minute, wait a minute. Lens Flare, are you going to be doing this the entire movie?
Lens Flare – Pretty much.
Nero – Why are you here?
Lens Flare – To build dramatic tension!
Nero – But that’s what the script is for, and the actors are for. Are you saying that instead of trusting in a good script and good actors to produce dramatic tension, the film-makers are going to opt for a cheap special effect?
Lens Flare – Pretty much!
Nero – *facepalm* Fine, fine, let’s get back to the blowing up of things.
Lens Flare – Can do!
[[in the meantime, Kirk has given the evacuation order, which includes his wife who is, in a wacky sitcom hijink turn of events, going into labor with their first child]]
Kirk – Okay, if I just set this thing on autopilot I may still be able to get out of here… [[the autopilot is broken]] “F@#&! Even in the future nothing works!” Self-sacrifice it is.
Mrs. Kirk – What?!? ARRRGGGHHH!! [[Lens Flare helps give birth to little Kirk; the Kirks agree on a name before the Kelvin smashes into the Romulan ship]]
Iowa (Really? Looks kind of desert-y to be Iowa; damn global warming):
Li’l Kirk – “Head out on the highway, lookin’ for adventure…”
Cop – Hold it! Hold everything! I know that the filmmakers have to show Kirk is a badass. I get that. But how does “Kirk is a badass” get to the point of absurdity in which I am chasing down a ten-year kid who is driving a nearly three-hundred year old car! There is so much suspension of disbelief required here I can’t even believe the filmmakers are asking this of their audience!
Li’l Kirk – I’m also about to wreck it spectacularly and not get so much as a scratch. [[does so]] See?
Cop – I-I have no response to this.
Vulcan Child – Hey, li’l Spock. I’ll bet being half-human makes it easy to get you angry and violent, so I’m going to provoke you. [[this works and li’l Spock ends up beating the hell out of him]] Note to self: it is not logical to provoke an emotional being to anger and violence.
Li’l Spock – Dad, they said mean things about you and Mom.
Sarek – Because I am Vulcan, I will say something cryptic and unhelpful.
Vulcan (A bit later):
Venerable Council – Spock, you are accepted to the Science Academy. Also, I will say this in the most dick-ish way possible.
Spock – How is it logical to be a dick for no good reason?
Venerable Council – You know, because.
Spock – Yeah, I think I’m going to join Starfleet.
Shady Bar (on a Utopian Earth? Sure, Why Not?):
James Tiberius Kirk – Hey, you’re hot.
Lens Flare – You really are hot!
Uhura – Thank you for summing up my character in this film so succinctly. Let me round that out by telling you to go to hell, you drunk frat-boy.
Kirk – If I was a drunk frat-boy, I’d be in a brawl by now due to my macho posturing.
Random Cadet – Hey, leave her alone.
Kirk – Oh, right, here we go. [[“and the man in the back said everyone attack/and it turned into a ballroom blitz;” which is broken up by Captain Pike]] I would’ve had him if I hadn’t been blinded by Lens Flare over there.
Lens Flare – It’s my job!
Pike – Kirk, you can be a better man than this. Your father was awesome and you have good test scores. Clearly this means you’re meant to be a great leader.
Kirk – Seriously? You’re giving me the generic wise mentor speech that we’ve seen in so many movies? You don’t even know me.
Pike – It’s what I got.
[[This is enough to cause Kirk to join Starfleet and he ends up shipping out with Uhura’s class; also Bones is there and probably drunk]]
Starfleet Academy (three years later):
Kirk – I am so ticked off I can’t beat the Kobayashi Maru!
Bones – It’s supposed to be impossible. Just get over it.
Kirk – Hell no! I’m James T. Kirk and I am always going to be winner! [[Kirk proceeds to be the smuggest dick imaginable as he cheats his way to victory in the test and wastes the time of all his friends and future fellow officers and Lens Flare]]
Starfleet Academy, Board Room:
Board Member – Kirk, Commander Spock says you cheated in his test.
Kirk – I am going to act genuinely shocked that anyone would have thought I cheated even though I acted like the smuggest dick imaginable when I beat the test.
Spock – So you concede you cheated?
Kirk – Nope. I won. I always win. I’m James T. Kirk goddamn it! You watch; I’ll get the Board on my side and they’ll graduate me.
Board Member – That will have to wait. We just received a distress signal from Vulcan and as we have at least six ships docked nearby and apparently almost no other staff, you cadets are going out.
Kirk – Hey, my name isn’t on the list. Even Lens Flare is getting on board.
Bones – Don’t worry, I’ll sneak you aboard because…well, you know what, I have no idea why but I do it anyway.
[[After a brief error with the anachronistic parking brake, the Enterprise takes off]]
Kirk – Hey, that kid with the funny accent said space lightning! It’s a trap! I have to warn Captain Pike!
Lens Flare – Wait for me!
[[Kirk manages to make his way to the bridge with Bones and Uhura trailing after him.]]
Kirk – It’s a trap!
Pike – Why are you even here?
Kirk – I have to warn you…
Pike – No, not you, Lens Flare.
Lens Flare – I’m building dramatic tension for you!
Spock – Security, escort this man off the bridge, and I mean Kirk.
Kirk – What, Lens Flare stays and I go? Hell no, pointy ears! I’m right like I always am! This is the same thing that killed my dad. That ship is waiting for us!
Uhura – I am only here to confirm his story? Really? Fine, yes, I intercepted a transmission two days ago that supports his crazy story.
Pike – Okay, let’s put up shields in case something bad is waiting for us, like a debris field of our former fleet and a ship that blows the holy living hell out of us. [[yeah, that]] At least the shields are up.
Sulu – Are you sure? I thought was just Lens Flare again.
Chekov – What good are the shields even doing? The debris is scraping our hull! Also, there appears to be a giant drill thing drilling into Vulcan!
Nero – Hey, Enterprise, what up? Send your captain on over, okay? Laters!
Pike – Well, I’m going to die. Spock, you’re the new captain.
Spock – I accept this assignment with all due dignity and lack of emotion.
Pike – And Kirk’s your XO.
Kirk – Awesome! And I didn’t even graduate!
Spock – What the hell?!?!? I mean, what, sir? He’s reckless, he’s on suspension, he’s insubordinate, and this is highly illogical!
Pike – Just go with it. Kirk, Sulu, Red Shirt, you parachute out of the shuttlecraft to the drill platform and destroy it.
[[An exciting sequence follows in which Kirk, Sulu, and Red Shirt are in fact color-coded and plummet towards Vulcan and the drill platform with Lens Flare in tow; Red Shirt gets sucked into the plasma beam and Sulu is forced to cut his parachute before it retracts; then Romulans emerge and the fight starts]]
Romulan 1 – Why am I fencing with you?
Sulu – Because it’s awesome and a shout-out to the original series!
Romulan 1 – Seriously, why am I fencing with you? I have a gun!
Sulu – Oh. Then I have no idea. [[Kirk and Sulu dispatch the Romulans.]] Damn it, Red Shirt had all the explosives.
Kirk – Wait, what? This was an extraordinarily dangerous task that could have killed all of us, albeit unlikely. Still, if the explosives aren’t cumbersome, why didn’t we all have enough to blow this thing?
Sulu – I have no idea.
Kirk – Well, hell, let’s use these guns the Romulans dropped and blow it up old school tommy-gun style. [[they do so]] I’m sure that won’t endanger us at all… [[the platform disintegrates and Sulu falls off leaving Kirk to dive after him because apparently Starfleet has never heard of a back-up parachute]] I’ve got you! [[his parachute promptly breaks]] What the hell? Our tech sucks!
Lens Flare – Don’t worry, I’ll save you!
[[Actually, Chekov saves them despite some technobabble about how it’s dangerous to beam them while they’re in motion]]
Kirk – Ouch. Well, at least we saved Vulcan.
Nero – [[drops the itty bitty bomb]] Yeah, about that… No you didn’t.
Spock – Damn it! Evacuate everyone! I’m going to down to save the Vulcan Council at least. [[Only a few members get squished as they escape the cave]]
Chekov – Don’t move or I can’t lock on!
Mrs. Sarek – Um, are you sure I can’t move to slightly more stable ground? I mean, I know you’ll lose the lock but hopefully you’ll have a few more seconds to re-lock on me instead of me standing here hoping you beam me before the ground falls out from underneath me.
Chekov – Sorry, you can’t move.
Mrs. Sarek – Damn it. [[falls to her doom prior to Chekov saving everyone else although Vulcan is pretty much hosed]]
Kirk – We need to rescue Pike!
Spock – We need to meet up with Starfleet and work out a better plan.
Lens Flare – I’m here!
Kirk – You’re a jerk! We have to rescue Pike and I’ll start punching people until I get my way!
Spock – And this clearly proves you are ready for command.
Kirk – Is sarcasm logical?
Spock – It’s not illogical. Also, Vulcan neck pinch. [[Kirk takes a little nap]] Get him off my ship.
Uhura – I’m really sorry. [[kisses him]]
Lens Flare – Hey, you two are actually dating?
Spock – Yes.
Lens Flare – But you were her teacher, and no place of academia allows a teacher to date a student, and now you’re her commanding officer, and no military allows this kind of fraternization with the subordinate staff. I mean, I know this is supposed to be an enlightened century and all, but this still seems wrong.
Uhura – You can just shut the hell up while I tenderly comfort my man!
Lens Flare – Wake up!
Kirk – What the hell? Did Spock actually throw me off the ship? That jerk! Just because I was insubordinate, violent, and unhinged doesn’t mean he actually had cause to discipline me! Argh, so unfair! [[Kirk heads out and eventually runs from monsters in a sight gag that actually made more sense in Star Wars I and finally stumbles into a cave and is rescued]] Lens Flare, move. I can’t see that guy’s face.
Lens Flare – Sorry!
Kirk – Yeah, that doesn’t help. Who the hell are you?
Mysterious Man – You are James T. Kirk.
Kirk – I know who I am. I don’t know who you are and I don’t know how you know who I am.
Mysterious Man – I’m Spock.
Kirk – Okay, trapped in an ice cave with a crazy man and Lens Flare. This is shaping up to be one hell of a day.
Old Spock – Let me try telepathy; don’t worry, it’ll only trigger a flashback. [[does so]]
Flashback (Old Spock narrating) – 129 years from now, Romulus’ sun will become unstable. I’ll promise to save them by using “red matter” to create a black hole to absorb their sun which in retrospect really just exchanges one problem for another. I am, er, was, or will be, anyway, I didn’t get there on time and the sun exploded. Nero happened to be there and chased me down. I used the bomb to stop the sun explosion and ended up accidentally creating a hole in space-time. Nero’s ship got through first and destroyed the Kelvin, then waited 25 years to capture me. Nero took the remaining red matter and destroyed Vulcan as revenge against me.
Kirk – Okay, let’s assume all that made sense. Now I know that Nero’s ship is over one hundred years more advanced than anything we have and he’s got this super-bomb stuff. What do we do now?
Old Spock – First, don’t tell young Spock about me. Time paradox and stuff. Second, you have to be best buddies with Spock.
Kirk – We hate each other, so I don’t see that happening.
Old Spock – Damn it, you have to be best buddies! There isn’t time to build up an actual emotional attachment between you two. Okay, third, you have to command the Enterprise. Make young Spock emotional.
Kirk – This is not going to make him want to be my best buddy here.
Old Spock – Worry about that later. Finally, we’ll go find the Federation outpost which happens to have exactly the person we need to get out of here.
Old Spock – Montgomery Scott.
Lens Flare – Hey, Scotty! We’ve missed you!
Scotty – I know, right? So I’m totally going to steal every one of the few scenes I’m in, okay?
Old Spock/Kirk/Lens Flare – Sounds good.
Scotty – Right, now, let’s try some highly experimental technology to beam onto a ship in warp that will never be used again!
Spock – How in the hell did you beam aboard my bridge?
Lens Flare – Magic!
Kirk – You’re a jerk. A jerky jerk uptight emotionless jerk who saw his mother and whole planet die and is acting like nothing’s wrong. Boo hoo my planet is gone and I’m not sad at all.
Spock – KILL! [[tries to strangle Kirk]]
Kirk – Note to self: it is not logical to provoke an emotional being to anger and violence.
Spock – Oh, no, I am too emotional to be captain. I will resign my command and leave the bridge. [[does so]]
Kirk – Well, this makes me captain and we’re going to save Earth!
Lens Flare – Hi again! I know what’s going on, but you don’t, and this guy just provoked Spock to make him step down so he could take over. Doesn’t that seem suspicious to anyone else?
Everyone else – Nope.
[[Nero’s ship puts down the drill into San Francisco Bay as the Enterprise hides in Titan’s atmosphere so they can sneak up on the ship to beam Spock and Kirk and Lens Flare over or sabotage Nero’s ship and stop the drill]]
Lens Flare – Oooo, creepy!
Kirk – I’m going to kill Nero and save Pike!
Spock – I’ll stop the drill and then somehow we’ll get back to the Enterprise! Hey, a ship in a ship that seems to recognize my voice commands. Obviously we need to have a chat when we get out of this. [[Spock steals Old Spock’s ship and blasts his way out to destroy the drill]]
Kirk – Nero! Surrender!
Nero – Wait, really? You’ve been nothing but brash and stupidly reckless this entire movie and now you decide to follow protocol and demand my surrender?
Kirk – It shows I’m maturing as a leader. [[he is promptly disarmed from behind and some random Romulan starts to strangle him]] Note to self: maturity is overrated.
Nero – Ha! Now you will witness my revenge!!!!
Kirk – Your revenge is lame.
Lens Flare – It is!
Nero – No, it’s awesome. See, I imploded Vulcan and I’ll implode Earth too!
Kirk – Lame! You have a ship that is more than one hundred years more advanced than anything in this time period. You also know the exact day Romulus’s sun is going to explode because you were there! Why the hell didn’t you go back to Romulus? Your engineers could have taken this ship, reverse-engineered it, and given the Romulans a technological advantage so great they could have just conquered the Federation and everyone else! And they could have started to try to save their sun or evacuate the planet since they have over a century to plan! Instead you waited 25 years for Old Spock and now you’ve got the most powerful explosive in the galaxy, you still haven’t thought of going home to save your planet?!?
Nero – *blink blink blink* You thought of all that? Just now while watching the movie?
Kirk – Yeah. It’s kind of obvious.
Nero – Damn it! I’m insane! [[notes Spock’s ship goes into orbit]] Follow him and kill that guy!
Romulan 2 – But he had a good point, actually. [[Kirk kills him]]
Kirk – Okay, you and me, cinematic fight! [[the fight is inconclusive but not in Kirk’s favor]] Um, I’ll go rescue Pike now. [[this he manages to do as Spock rams his ship into Nero’s]]
[[Against all odds, Scotty manages to beam out all three people to safety presumably using a refined version of the technique Chekov used earlier.]]
Kirk – Okay, we’ll offer Nero and his crew another chance to surrender.
Lens Flare – Um, no one thinks maybe we ought to get out of here considering his ship is about to become a giant black hole?
Spock – It’s important for him to mature as a leader.
Nero – Go to hell!
Kirk – Okay, well, even though you’re going to die anyway, I’m going to open fire on you!
Lens Flare – But-but the black hole!
[[Nero’s ship is imploded and destroyed]]
Sulu – Sir! The ship has turned into a huge black hole and is sucking us in! I don’t think we can escape!
Lens Flare – Yeah, that!
Kirk – Scotty, you are contractually obligated to save the ship against impossible odds!
Scotty – Eject the warp core! The explosion will push us away from the black hole and not tear us apart! Probably!
[[This works and the Enterprise and Lens Flare escape]]
Board Member – Even though you cheated on the test, stowed away on board the Enterprise, got thrown off the ship for mutiny, manipulated the captain into resigning so you could be captain, and in general behaved like a spoiled child who always gets his way, we’re graduating you with honors, the rank of captain, and giving you the Enterprise to command.
Kirk – Like I said, I am always right and I always win.
Earth, A Bit Later:
[[Old Spock meets young Spock]]
Spock – You’re me.
Old Spock – Yes. Obviously I can’t talk to you too much, but here’s what you need to know. I manipulated Kirk and you two need to be best buddies.
Spock – That is beyond illogical.
Old Spock – Damn it, be best buddies! Trust me, it works out fine, or at least it did in the original six movies. Live long and prosper and all that.
Space, The Final Frontier:
Old Spock – These are the reboots of the Starship Enterprise. Its continuing mission is to exploit cheap dramatic tricks, seek out new lens flares and new CGI action sequences, and to predictably go where so many movies have gone before.