or, “Any Movie is in a Dark World When you Film Through a Gray Filter”
Three-of-Nine-heim (Svartalfheim) (Flashback):
Odin (Narrating) – In the beginning there was darkness, and dark elves. And they were mad when the universe was filled with light, so they used a powerful force called the Aether to try to return the universe to darkness. My grandfather Bor fought against them.
Bor – We’ve got them beat, even if they have these super-strong Kursed warriors! If we kill every last one of them, we don’t have to worry about them trying this again!
Malekith – I’m willing to sacrifice the majority of my people to appease the Asgardians’ bloodlust and abide my time until I can return the universe to darkness. That’s cool with everyone, right? Yep, I guess so.
[[And somehow a few dark elves sneak off in their…space ships…to hide in…space…for the next chance to destroy the universe; okay, Marvel is so magic-averse the dark elves are aliens…; fine, go with it]]
Random Asgardian – What do we do about the Aether?
Bor – We can’t destroy it. It is absolutely impossible to destroy it. It is a force of the universe and there is no method that exists to destroy it. Have I made that clear? Good. Just bury it. That’s the best we can do.
Odin – Loki, you stand accused of treason and the war crime of attempting to take over Earth like you were a god or something.
Loki – So there’s no downside if I steal every scene I’m in because you can’t possibly give me a worse punishment.
Odin – Well, I guess that’s one way to look it at. The only reason I don’t kill you is because of your mother, whom you will never see again. But I am going to lock you in the dungeon forever.
[[In the meantime, on Six-of-Nine-heim (Vanaheim), Sif and the Warriors Three are busily engaged in putting down a rebellion; it finally ends with Thor beats their strongest warrior with one blow]]
Two-of-Nine-heim (Midgard, London):
Richard – Jane, you’re a lovely woman, but I get the impression you’d rather be anywhere than on this date with me.
Jane – That’s totally not true! I’m just working through some stuff, that’s all.
Darcy – Hey, Jane! You showered and got dressed any everything! Anyway, no word from that guy you’ve totally been pining over, but I’m getting some weird physics-type readings you’ll want to check out.
Jane – *icy stare* Go away. I’m on a date.
Darcy – Sure. [[leaves]]
Richard – Just go with her. It’s fine.
[[Jane and her quirky sidekick, and her quirky sidekick’s quirky sidekick Ian, go to a warehouse where cars are stacking themselves]]
Jane – Where’s Prof. Selvig?
Darcy – I don’t know. He won’t answer his phone.
[[Cue news report of cops capturing a naked Selvig who is running around Stonehenge with scientific equipment]]
Jane – Well, I hope he calls back soon. This is weird. It’s like gravity isn’t working, and there are portals to other worlds randomly opening up.
Darcy – It’s fun to drop things in these portals, even if they don’t always come back.
Ian – I just dropped our car keys! Which aren’t coming back…
Jane – You two keep bickering. I’m going to wander off alone with this equipment in a spooky warehouse because I have clearly never seen any horror movies.
[[And of course Jane is pulled into a random creepy portal and is infected by the Aether; this has the side-effect of instantly waking up Malekith from his cryo-sleep]]
Sif – Thor, you aren’t having any fun. Are you moping over that woman you dated for a weekend?
Thor – Um, no.
Odin – Thor, you’re the heir to the throne of Asgard. You can’t be with a mortal. Honestly. Quit moping and go date someone your own age and with your own lifespan. Like, say, Sif.
Thor – Yeah, thanks for that, Dad. I’m going to talk to Heimdall over on the Bifrost. You know, because I’m sure he’d like the company.
Heimdall – You’re late for your nightly stalking.
Thor – Yeah, yeah, how’s she doing?
Heimdall – Hey, did you know that the Nine Realms are converging? It’s very cool and only happens once in five thousand years! I can see everything, you know. Everything!
Thor – So where’s Jane?
Heimdall – *sigh* She’s in…um…yeah, I have no idea, actually. Uh-oh.
Two-of-Nine-heim (Midgard, London):
Darcy – Jane, where the hell were you? And why is it raining except on you?
[[Thor beams down]]
Jane – That is not important. [[rushes to Thor and then promptly slaps him]] Oh, good, you’re real. [[slaps him again]] And you’re a jerk!
Thor – I was busy trying to save the Nine Realms. Sorry.
Jane – Oh, well, I guess that’s okay.
Stupid Cop – I’m going to have to arrest you for reasons.
[[The Aether in Jane blasts everybody with ominous red light/goo; she goes weak at the knees and this time not from Thor’s rugged good looks]]
Darcy – What in the hell?
Thor – Jane, hang onto me. While I could explain to your strange friend what I’m about to do, I will not. [[beams both of them up to Asgard]]
One-of-Nine-heim (Asgard, Medi-Bay):
Doctor – Well, this isn’t like any disease we’ve ever seen.
Jane – I love your quantum field generator. I mean, you call it something magic-y sounding, but I know physics when I see it in action.
Odin – You can’t bring that mortal here. She doesn’t belong and she will leave right now!
[[Aether blasts the hell out of everyone in the medi-bay]]
Odin – Or, you know, not. Well, damn it. She’s infected with the Aether.
Thor – Will the dark elves come to get it?
Odin – No because all the dark elves are absolutely, definitely, completely dead. But the Aether will kill this mortal and I don’t know how to help her. [[leaves]]
Thor – Jane, my dad’s a jerk.
Jane – Yeah, big understatement there.
Thor – I’ll find a way to help you, I promise. [[they kiss]]
Frigga – Ahem.
Jane – Oh, oops, I totally wasn’t making out with your son or anything.
Frigga – It’s fine, child. I have different views on this than my husband.
One-of-Nine-heim (Asgard, Dungeon, a Little Later):
Frigga – Loki, why do you have to be like this? Can’t you tell everyone still loves you, despite all you’ve done?
Loki – Odin’s a jerk! And Thor’s an idiot! Odin’s not even my real dad!
Frigga – So I’m not your real mother?
Loki – No. No you’re not.
Frigga – *sigh* My poor broken bird of a son. [[image fades out, which explains how she got in the cell, especially after Odin told Loki he’d never see her again]]
[[Back on Two-of-Nine (Midgard), Darcy and Ian find Prof. Selvig and bust him out of the looney bin, which also apparently includes the perfunctory (but funny) Stan Lee cameo]]
Kursed (Dark Elf Spy) – Man, it is so convenient the Asgardian who is supposed to see everything didn’t notice me walk right past him on the Bifrost. Time for the jailbreak! [[activates his super-Aether powers of darkness!]]
Loki – What about me?
Kursed – Um, dude, you’re Asgardian. Why the hell would I want to let you out?
Loki – Suit yourself. But take the stairs to the left.
Heimdall – My completely obvious-sense is tingling! [[runs down an invisible ship, only to realize there’s a bigger totally visible ship behind him!]] Oh @#$%! How did I not see that? That is literally my job, to see things coming!
Frigga – Odin, what’s going on?
Odin – Just a jailbreak and nothing you need to worry about. [[dashes off]]
Frigga – Right. Come on, Jane.
[[So it turns out Asgard is the most penetrable of fortified cities as the Kursed destroys the shield generator and the dark elves fly their ships through the city and directly into the palace; Malekith and the Kursed go looking for the Aether while everyone scrambles around dealing with the attack and jailbreak and end up in Frigga’s room]]
Malekith – You’re standing between me and the Aether.
Frigga – Yes, yes I am. [[they fight, but Frigga is outmatched by the Kursed, and Jane is revealed to be nothing but an illusion]]
Malekith – Tell me where to find the Aether!
Frigga – Yeah, I don’t think so.
Odin – Malekith will come back. We will plan an attack and destroy him. You will not leave Asgard.
One-of-Nine-heim (Asgard, Thor’s Clubhouse):
Thor – Asgard can’t fight the dark elves. Heimdall can’t see their ships…
Heimdall – Why don’t you rub some more salt in that wound?
Thor – The shield is down, and Odin’s mad with grief. So I’m totally going to take Jane to the dark elves’ original realm, trick Malekith into drawing the Aether out of her so she doesn’t die, and then destroying it and him.
Sif/Warriors Three (Minus Hogan the Grim)/Heimdall – How are you going to do that? The Bifrost is closed and there’s no other way out.
Thor – I’m going to ask Loki to help.
Sif/Warriors Three (Minus Hogan the Grim)/Heimdall – *facepalm*
One-of-Nine-heim (Asgard, Dungeon):
Thor – Loki, you can drop the illusions. I know you’re upset and stuff.
Loki – [[does so and he’s really let himself go]] Fine, fine. Why are you here?
Thor – I have a plan and I need your help, and I’ll let you kill Malekith for killing Mom. Just promise you won’t betray me.
Loki – Sure, I totally won’t betray you. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be a total pain in the meantime! [[he is but Jane gets a good shot in]]
Thor – Okay, Loki, just like we planned it.
Loki – Or I could betray you because I hate you and Dad more than I want to avenge Mom! [[cuts off Thor’s hand and kicks him down right in front of Malekith who looks pretty confused by the whole thing]] Muahahahaha!!
Malekith – Listen, I don’t care about your family feuds; I just want the Aether [[draws it out of Jane]]
Thor – Ha! You fell for it! [[Thor’s missing hand is merely an illusion and he tries to destroy the Aether with Mjolnir; of course it doesn’t work at all and Malekith draws the Aether into himself]]
Loki – You didn’t happen to have a back-up plan, did you?
Thor – Er, no. That’s kind of your thing. Really, it’s amazing I planned anything at all.
Loki – Yeah, you’re right. I should have seen this coming.
[[The Kursed beats the bejebbers out of Thor while Loki dispatches the ordinary dark elves as Malekith casually walks back to his ship; Loki saves Thor, destroys the Kursed, but apparently gets fatally stabbed in the process]]
Loki – I’m sorry, Thor, but I’m totally dying here. This is not an illusion at all. I am definitely about to really die for reals. [[really dies for reals; really]]
Thor – Nooooo!!! My brother is dead, Malekith is going to destroy the world, and we’re stranded here. [[gets them to shelter]] At least you won’t die, Jane.
Jane – Yeah, well, not from the Aether. [[her cellphone rings]] What in the hell?
Thor – That’s actually a different realm entirely.
Jane – No, no, we’re getting a signal. That means we’re near a portal and a way out! [[and they are, and conveniently she finds the keys and the car still where it was parked]]
Two-of-Nine-heim (Midgard, London):
Jane – Hey everyone. So the worlds are converging and this crazy dude is going to try to destroy the universe.
Selvig – Thor! Good to see you! How’s, um, your brother?
Thor – He’s dead.
Selvig – Good riddance! Having that bastard in my head really screwed me up. Oh, wait, you’re sorry? Oh, well, I’m sorry too. Yep, totally sorry.
Jane – So I think if we pinpoint the convergence, we can use my equipment to delay Malekith long enough that he can’t release the Aether. I’m crazy enough to do this. Are you all crazy enough to do this?
Selvig/Darcy/Ian – Yes!
Thor – I love that woman.
[[it turns out the convergence is a library and a big dark elf ship just rolls right into town]]
Jane – Just be careful out there. There are places where gravity won’t work and random portals to other realms.
Thor – Jane, it’s me.
[[let Portal Combat begin! They punch, kick, hammer, and randomly fall through various portals as well as the ones that Jane is deliberately creating; dark elves and the quirky sidekicks are also having this problem and what the hell just came through from Eight-of-Nine-heim (Jotunheim)]]
Malekith – Okay, I have to say being randomly dragged through portals right now is really annoying.
Mjolnir – Tell me about it. Thor keeps summoning me and then literally dropping off the face of the world and I have chase after him. Really, it’s exhausting.
[[but Thor isn’t enough and Malekith starts to release the Aether; luckily all he has to do is get the scientific equipment close enough to launch Malekith into Three-of-Nine, which he does, more or less; and then Selvig drops the whole danged ship on his mangled body and kills him]]
One-of-Nine (Asgard, Throne Room):
Thor – Dad, I’ve thought it over and I don’t want to be king. I can’t be the kind of man I want and the kind of king Asgard needs.
“Odin” – Alright. You can go to Midgard. [[Thor beams down]] Hahahahahaha! [[Odin is revealed to actually be Loki]] Yes, everyone will totally think I took over Asgard offscreen, because that is how movies work. This is a convincing cliffhanger!
Fans – Is that the Collector? Really? He’s pretty obscure. Wait, “infinity stones,” what? Are they doing that storyline? Oooo, that could be sweet!
Non-fans – Who’s that guy? What’s that thing? What are they talking about? What’s going on? Fine, whatever.
Secret Ending, Two-of-Nine (Midgard, London):
Selvig – Does anyone get the feeling we forgot something?
Darcy – I don’t see Thor.
Jane – He’ll be back. He promised.
Darcy – Yeah.
[[Thor beams down]]
Jane – Ha! I told you so! [[They go snog while the stranded giant frost monster stomps some cars]]
– fade out-