or, “So it’s Like Mortal Kombat: Annihilation Except Without the Only Merits of Lots of Fight Scenes and a Kick-ass Soundtrack”
Shadaloo (Really? “Shadaloo?” That Sounds Like a Theme Park):
Chun-Li Exposition – I’m reporting from the embattled nation of Shadaloo, where the evil manical dictator General M. Bison has kidnapped several aid workers and the Allied Nation soldiers guarding them. And I can’t emphasize this enough, M. Bison is absolutely evil and must be stopped. Colonel Guile, how are you going to stop this madman?
Guile – By generally be a dick to you and stealing your microphone. Hey, Bison, I know you’re listening to me.
Crazy Town (M. Bison’s Lair):
M. Bison – [[ceases casually killing soldiers to pay attention to the dozens of television screens]] Yes?
Guile (on TV) – You’re a coward for taking innocent people hostage and killing soldiers. I’ll stop you!
M. Bison – Cut into the feed, Dee Jay. [[Dee Jay does so]] Listen, Colonel Guile, I’m going to kill the hostages in 72 hours if I’m not paid a ridiculous sum of money. What do you say to that?
Guile – You’re a madman and I will stop you! And Charlie, if you’re there, hang on Charlie! I am in no way making your situation worse by pointing out I care for you! [[ends broadcast]]
M. Bison – Well, well, who’s Charlie? Maybe you, the fellow I was just going to kill? Hm, ‘Carlos Blanka.’ While Carlos is a Spanish version of Charles, it seems a stretch to call you ‘Charlie.’ Still, Guile isn’t very bright and this is to remind us that Blanka is in fact supposed to be from Brazil. So, in short…
Audience – Too late.
M. Bison – It’s lucky I just didn’t kill you like I did everyone else and now I’m going to perform inhumane and terrible experiments on you instead! Isn’t that nice?
Shadaloo Black Market:
[[a skinny white dude and Asian dude walk into an illegal cage fighting ring where they witness Vega take down a guy in a fight that’s not very impressive; we are not told their names until later but apparently are supposed to know who these guys are, so I’ll use their names]]
Sagat – So, do you have the merchandise?
Ken – If you have the money…
Ryu – Then we have the merchandise. Hand us the money and we’ll leave your establishment and then tell you via walkie-talkie where your merchandise is.
Sagat – No. I already got the weapons, see? [[A flurry of nerf-like balls later…]] What the hell?
Ryu – If you let us take the money, we’ll still tell you where the weapons are.
Sagat – No, now you’ve made me angry! I’m just going to have you killed in my illegal fighting arena instead.
Ken – How do you make money then?
[[Ryu is eventually shoved in the ring with Vega and much posturing and posing takes place until at last it seems the audience will finally be treated some street fightin’ action when a tank rolls into the arena!]]
Guile – I am so spoiling all your fun.
Ryu – Yeah, because why would anyone want to see me fight Vega, or, you know, any fight in a movie called “Street Fighter?”
Funny Farm (M. Bison’s Lair):
M. Bison – Doctor, how is the experiment going?
Dhalsim – He’s being subjected to brainwashing by being forced to watch these horrible images and he’s been injected with super-steroids to increase his muscle mass.
M. Bison – Horrible images? You’re just showing him scenes of torture and Nazis. That’s supposed to be horrible?
Dhalsim – Well, he’s not a psychopath, so yes.
M. Bison – They keep calling me mad. I’m not mad. I merely wish to take over the world and rule it with my benevolent but firm hand. I don’t see why that’s so hard to understand, or why that makes me a psychopath.
Dhalsim – And no one is surprised by that.
Guile – Okay, someone provide some exposition on the detainees.
Cammy – Well, you arrested the notorious weapons dealer Sagat and his loyal cage fighter Vega, along with two hustlers named Ken and Ryu, and a whole bunch of other people who don’t matter at all.
[[Sagat and Vega try to kill Ken and Ryu and the fight is busted up before anything remotely interesting can happen]]
Guile – Maybe I can use this information to get at M. Bison. Ken, Ryu, I need you two to infiltrate M. Bison’s operation and help me locate the hostages. I’m hoping seeing these poor, injured refugees will guilt you into doing this out of the goodness of your hearts.
Ken – Um, yeah, no.
Guile – Do it and survive, and I’ll get you papers back to the States.
Ryu – You should have said so in the first place.
Chun-Li (in her news van) – Okay, something interesting might happen any minute, Balrog and Honda. Make sure you pay attention.
[[The A.N. soldiers load up the prisoners on a truck and Ken and Ryu get keys to the chains]]
Sagat – Hey, Ken, Ryu, old buddies old pals, what you do say you help an old friend out, huh?
Ken – Yeah, sure, why not?
[[Ken, Ryu, Sagat, and Vega stage a prison break and end up commandeering the truck and shooting Guile during their escape; Chun-Li sticks a tracker of some sort on their vehicle before they go]]
Cammy – Oh, no, Colonel Guile is dead! This is in no way obviously contrived!
A.N. Base, Later:
Chun-Li – Something is interfering with my tracker so I’m going to track it down by following this signal coming from the base’s… morgue? Well, that’s weird. It looks like the A.N. forces also have a tracking device on the escaped truck.
Guile – Insert witty one-liner here.
Chun-Li – Oh, so today’s little show was all a set up and you’ve got some inside guys in that prison convoy.
Guile – You are very smart. Now I’m going to have you arrested.
Chun-Li – No! I have to be the one to kill M. Bison!
Guile – Yeah, I don’t care.
[[Chun-Li escapes custody fairly easily and busts out of the A.N. Base]]
Outside the Asylum (Festival Venue Near M. Bison’s Lair):
M. Bison – I’m glad you got away from the A.N. forces but I’m sad Guile is dead. I wanted to kill him in unarmed combat myself.
Sagat – Yeah, well, I’m just glad I can get back to my business of dealing in illegal weapons.
Ken – Why the hell did we agree to this?
Ryu – It was better than the alternative. But at least we’re in this together. Right? Ken? [[sees Ken following the suspiciously familiar looking woman from the magic act]] Jerk.
[[Suspiciously familiar looking woman ends up knocking Ken out and tying him up in her tent with her two suspiciously familiar looking accomplices]]
Chun-Li – Listen, you don’t want to be here. I know you’re working Guile, so if you know what’s good for you, you should get the hell out of here. [[then she unties him and lets him go so the point of tying him up was….?]]
Sagat – So, Bison, where’s my money? [[looks at cash in suitcase]] What is this, some kind of joke? All the money has your face on it. This isn’t real money!
M. Bison – Of course it is.
Sagat – Okay, this has gone on long enough. I’m getting rid of you, psychopath!
M. Bison – Traitor!
[[The two square off with a bunch of guns.]]
Ken – Look, Ryu, we really need to get out of here before we get in real trouble…
[[And somehow these two geniuses walk right into the middle of two huge groups of people with weapons drawn without noticing it until they’ve walked past half a dozen guys!]]
M. Bison – Whose side are you on?
Ken – Um, hey, the magic troupe is actually the traitors. See, there’s the van!
[[Inspection of the van reveals a video recording explaining Chun-Li’s cunning plan to blow up everyone with a truck; this doesn’t work and she and the other two get captured while Sagat and company end up taking refuge inside the asylum (M. Bison’s lair)]]
Uptight Bureaucrat – Colonel Guile, you are being removed from this mission. We’re going to negotiate with General Bison. You will order your men to stand down!
Guile – Or I could order them to go with me and kick some ass!
Troops – Kick ass!
[[Guile, Cammy, and a guy we are clearly supposed to care about and maybe even recognize from the game but really don’t because I’m not even sure anyone has said his name yet go out in a super-secret stealth boat to bust through the defenses while everyone else follows in a regular fleet]]
Shadaloo Sanitarium (M. Bison’s Lair):
Ken – Should we be disturbed this Bison guy is making us dress like characters in a video game?
Ryu – Everything about this Bison guy should disturb us.
Zangief – Vhat? No, the general is a good, upstandink man.
Ryu – I think we should also feel bad we sold the news crew out. I mean, what if the guys are being tortured and Chun-Li’s going to be assaulted by M. Bison?
Ken – That is totally cliché and ridiculous.
[[Honda gets tortured while Balrog watches]]
Balrog – I am totally going to kill those guys.
Honda – Not if I do it first.
M. Bison’s Bedroom (shudder):
[[And Chun-Li’s now in a pretty dress with her hair done up just like the game except in red for some reason]]
Chun-Li – I am totally going to kill those guys, after I kill you. I hate you. You killed my father.
M. Bison – Who?
Chun-Li – My father! You know, the man who kept you from destroying my village that you shot in the back!
M. Bison – I don’t recall anyone in particular. I kill lots of people. You can’t expect me to remember every single person I killed. Your father gets killed and that’s traumatic for you, but for me it’s just business as usual.
Chun-Li – I am going to kill you! I’ve spent my entire life preparing myself for revenge!
[[Down in the laboratory, Dhalsim switches Blanka’s programming to something less horrible]]
Ryu – We shouldn’t be jerks. We should help the others.
Ken – What are you talking about?
Ryu – I’m going to help those poor guys. Join me, or not. Whatever. [[leaves]]
Sagat – Hey, Ryu, you’re all alone. Me and Vega got some business to settle.
Ken – Predictably, I’ve a change of heart and come to save my friend. Let’s fight!
[[They fight and Sagat and Vega are defeated; Ken and Ryu go spring Honda and Balrog, who have done an admirable job of springing themselves and the group goes to rescue Chun-Li]]
M. Bison – You’ve not so much as even thrown a punch. I don’t believe you are capable of harming me in any way.
Audience – Dude, look at her! She’s got better developed arm muscles than that skinny guy playing Ken! She’s going to kick your ass!
Chun-Li – Well, I’m about to prove you wrong! [[breaks her bonds and starts kicking M. Bison’s extremely surprised ass]]
Ken – I’m Ken and this is Ryu and of course Balrog and Honda and we’re here to rescue you!
[[Unfortunately this distracts Chun-Li before she can finish M. Bison off and allows him to knock the whole crew out with gas; so basically if Chun-Li had been left alone for two more minutes, the movie would have had a much more awesome ending]]
[[The merry band, now all in outfits resembling the game outfits, are chained together and posted on a catwalk so M. Bison can gloat at them]]
Dee Jay – Hey mon, someting’s blowin’ up our defenses!
M. Bison – Put it on-screen. [[and the screen shows the clear wake of the super-secret stealth boat moving through the water.]] Reverse the polarity and match the frequency and other technobabble things! [[and sure enough, they see the boat that is clearly there by the huge wake]]
Cammy – Sir, our cover has been blown. I’m sure the boat is soon to follow!
Guile – Well, let’s fake our deaths and swim to shore.
[[This works and they get to the lair and the third wheel’s name is finally revealed as T. Hawk not that this actually matters since he doesn’t really do anything; Guile infiltrates while the other two do something else]]
Nut House, Laboratory (M. Bison’s Lair):
Guile – Charlie? Is that you? You look like a green caveman with bad hair. Seriously, Lou Ferrigno’s make-up job was way better.
Blanka – Uh.
Guile – I don’t know what was done to you, but I’ll put you out of your misery.
Dhalsim – No! You have no right to kill him. I managed to stop the brainwashing program. I’ll take care of him. You rescue the hostages. In fact, M. Bison is expecting to use this poor creature to kill them, so just take his place in the pod.
[[Guile does so and bursts out in the control room of the lair]]
M. Bison – You’re alive! That’s… that’s great! Now we can fight to the death!
[[The various A.N. forces storm the base and release the other captured fighters, who start to help get the hostages out of the embattled fortress]]
Dee Jay – Mon, I am not paid enough to put up with this. I am out of ‘ere.
Zangief – I never got paid.
[[Guile and M. Bison do battle and Guile seems to kill M. Bison as Zangief has a change of heart and helps the hostages escape; but M. Bison’s outfit has emergency resuscitation procedures so he comes back to life]]
Guile – That is not fair!
M. Bison – I’m a villain. I don’t play fair.
[[the fight continues with Guile getting his ass kicked until he realizes he can, you know, punch M. Bison and the fight concludes with M. Bison getting punched into a series of TV screens; then the base blows up for some reason]]
Guile – That went well. M. Bison is dead, Blanka and Dhalsim are also probably dead, and Vega is dead.
Cammy – Yes, sir, that sounds good to me. What do we do now?
Guile – We strike a pose like the logo for the game and end on a freeze frame with the game/movie title.
Chun-Li – That sounds really stupid.
Guile – You’re in this too. So better jump like a cheerleader.
Chun-Li – I sincerely hope there is no sequel to this.
[[And they all strike their pose and the movie finally ends.]]