or, “That Did not Go as Planned”
Scrolling Exposition – The Empire didn’t like losing the Death Star and because they still have a huge army, they’ve really been beating up on the rebels. The rebels have been chased to the most outskirts of the galaxy and their current base is on Hoth, which is essentially the opposite of Tatooine in climate, but no less awful. The Empire has been literally taking shots in the dark by sending random seeker droids to any planet with the remotest possibility of supporting a rebel base. Good luck, rebels, you’re going to need it.
-An Imperial droid lands on Hoth and starts its fact-finding mission; Han and Luke are on patrol when a meteorite goes down; Han goes into get warm, Luke inexplicibly decides to chase down the meteorite and gets whacked upside the head by a Wampa and dragged off-
Han – So I’ve got money and still need to pay off Jabba. Why am I still here?
Leia – Hello, Captain Solo, whom I’m in no way attracted to.
Han – Oh, right, the Princess whom I’m in no way attracted to. So, I need to head out and pay off Jabba.
Leia – Well, it was good to have you working with us. Please come back when you’re done with that.
Han – Yeah, I know you want me, babe.
Leia – I did not say that!
Han – But you’re thinking it because I am totally hot.
Leia – You are in no way a totally hot scoundrel!
C-3PO – Master Luke isn’t here.
Han – Then I’m going to find him because I’m that awesome!
Hoth, Wampa Cave:
Luke – Okay, well, that didn’t go as planned. Better get my lightsaber and get out of here before I’m dessert!
-Luke barely escapes the Wampa but yet another arm is cut off-
Luke – I’ll say this for the cave; it least it was warm. -collapses in the snow-
Ghost of Obi-wan – Go to Dagobah. Train with Yoda.
Luke – Um, sure, but a little help here? -ghost fades- Or not -passes out-
Han – Wow, I got here just in time. Oh, and my ton-ton just died. That’s just great. Well, it turns out I have hardcore survivor training because I’m going to get us both through this. -does so-
Hoth, Rebel Base:
Han – So, aren’t I awesome, Princess?
Leia – You’re not that awesome and I am not attracted to you. I’ll prove it! -kisses Luke- And I’m sure that won’t turn out to be a huge squicky mistake in the next movie. -leaves-
Luke – So who’s totally awesome?
Han – Shut up, kid!
Hoth, Rebel Base (later):
Rebel officer – We’re picking up a signal. I think this is bad.
Leia – It’s Imperial code. We need to evacuate.
General – So here’s the plan. We disable the stardestroyers to get the people out. The fighters hold off the ground assault. Scatter and re-group at the back-up base. Good luck.
-The Empire sets down and starts the ground assault of the rebel base; Luke teams up in the fighter while Han readies the Millennium Falcon; the assault, of course, is not in the rebels’ favor although they get their transports away-
Luke – So my partner got killed, but note this isn’t stopping me from taking out one of those AT-ATs. I’m awesome too!
Han – Princess, all the transports are gone and I’m not letting you stay here and get yourself killed, so you’re coming with me, because I’m concerned about the rebellion, not because I’m attracted to you in any way.
Luke – I’m sure no one will mind if I just head off to Dagobah instead of meeting up at the rendevous point. One little missing fighter won’t make any difference. Good luck guys!
-the Millennium Falcon gets shot at muchly and unable to get into hyperspace so finally Han flies into an astroid field to escape the larger ships-
Leia – This is just great! What’s your plan for getting out of here?
Han – I’m working on it!
Leia – You are terrible at escape plans!
Han – Give me a break! -they fly into a convenient cave in an astroid, which leads to them getting bombed by fighters-
Leia – So, you made fun of me for the garbage chute on the Death Star but really you’ve done pretty much the same thing here.
Han – You make me so angry I could kiss you.
Leia – Yeah, well, me too! -they kiss-
C-3PO – I have a terribly important thing to tell you about.
Han – Really? Now? -Leia walks away- Damn it!
Luke – -inexplicibly crashes into the swamp- Well, this did not go as planned. How am I going to find this great teacher?
Mysterious Creature – Crashed into the swamp, did you? Need shelter, do you? Come with me.
Luke – I need to find Yoda!
Mysterious Creature – Come with me. Food I have. Help you find Yoda I will.
Luke – What the hell.
Stardestroyer, Vader’s Office:
Emperor – I think that kid who blew up my Death Star is the son of Anakin Skywalker.
Vader – Really? How is that possible?
Emperor – It just is. Anyway, you’d better destroy him.
Vader – How about I turn him to the Dark side instead?
Emperor – That’ll work too.
Mysterious Creature – Perhaps Yoda is closer than you think, yes.
Luke – Look, I’m looking for a great teacher, not some old wrinkled green freak who sounds like Grover.
Mysterious Creature – Jerk he is. And unobservant. Wearing the same outfit as you were and notice he did not. Teach him you want me to?
Luke – Who are you talking to?
Voice of Obi-wan – Well, I’m not around to do it.
Luke – Ben? It’s so nice to know someone else is hearing the same voice I am! I was really getting worried about my mental health!
Mysterious Creature – He is young and reckless, like his father.
Voice of Obi-wan – So, just like me when you taught me.
Mysterious Creature – Yes, I taught you. In no way is that backstory going to be changed.
Luke – Wait, are you Yoda?
Mysterious Creature – Dense he is.
Voice of Obi-wan – Yes, but he needs training and I can’t do it on account of being dead and all.
Yoda – Fine, teach him I will.
Leia – This cave seems to be shaking a lot, even with the bombs. Maybe we should explore it.
Han – Sure, but I’m sure it’s fine.
-they explore the cave and find weird bat-like creatures; Han decides this is a great time to shoot the floor of the cave which starts the worst shaking yet-
Han – #$@&!! We’re in a living creature!
Chewy – Argaananaghgh! <This did not go as planned!>
Luke – I thought the force was a very mystical spiritual thing. So is running, jumping, and climbing trees really part of the Jedi training or are you just messing with me?
Yoda – Um, totally Jedi training this is. Beginner stuff.
Luke – How about some advanced training?
Yoda – Maybe. Are you paying attention?
Luke – I feel a cold chill down my spine, like there is a place strong with the Dark side of the Force.
Yoda – Go in there you should. Your weapons are not necessary.
Luke – I’m taking them anyway.
Yoda – Do you listen to a thing I say?
Luke – Whoa! It’s Darth Vader! -starts fighting with him and cuts his head off, only to reveal the face of Luke- Whoa! That like totally blows my mind!
Yoda – And totally blows your grade point average.
Vader – Ok, I’m really tired of having my ships being smashed up by astroids so we’re hiring some bounty hunters do to the dirty and dangerous work. You guys up for that?
Bounty hunters – Totally!
Vader – Well, do your thing but bring them back alive.
Bounty hunters – Bummer.
-The Falcon manages to escape the giant astroid-dwelling carnivorous space worm (how in the world does something like that evolve?!?) but land right back in the thick of an Imperial fleet-
Leia – This just goes from bad to worse!
Han – I have a plan! -hides on top of a stardestroyer-
Leia – I can’t believe this is working.
Chewy – Arnghghgrrrwwwh! <You and me both!>
Luke – Are we done with the running, jumping, climbing trees? Maybe we can do something mystical, spiritual, and awesome?
Yoda – Use the Force to get your ship out.
Luke – Listen, little dude, you’re wise and all but that’s impossible.
Yoda – Flunk you will.
Luke – Fine. Fine. -tries and fails to get his ship out- See, totally impossible.
Yoda – Here’s a lesson for you: doubt not the little old wise man. -raises ship out of the swamp-
Luke – Wow, that was like totally awesome!
Yoda – Feh. Learn something I hope you did, like how much more awesome I am than you.
Bespin (i.e., Cloud City):
-the Falcon escapes by floating out with the garbage although is tailed by a mysterious ship and makes a stop with one of Han’s old friends, who is probably a criminal, in order to make repairs to the hyperdrive-
Han – Hey, it’s my friend Lando Calrissan.
Lando – For Colt 45.
Han – What?
Lando – Um, I mean, Solo, what’s up my man? Welcome to my mining operation. Mi casa es su casa. Also, the chick with the braids is totally hot.
Han – Right, moving along.
C-3PO – So I’ll just poke around a bit and get blown up. Wait, what?! -gets mysteriously blown up-
Chewy – Wwwarrngnghaggh? <Did anyone hear that laser blast? And where did C-3PO go? Okay, I guess no one else is concerned.>
Luke – I have to go save Han and Leia.
Yoda – You aren’t going to help them.
Luke – I’m going!
Ghost of Obi-wan – Listen to your teacher. Stay here and finish your training, which inexplicably seems to have taken several days while Han and Leia have only experienced a day or two.
Luke – I’m going!
Ghost of Obi-wan – Well, at least remember what you’ve been taught.
Luke – Will do! -takes off-
Ghost of Obi-wan – Don’t say it.
Yoda – Told you so I did.
Ghost of Obi-wan – You had to say it. He’s our last hope.
Yoda – No, there is another who will be revealed in the sequel.
Chewy – Arrngnggg. <Okay, I guess I’ll go find C-3PO> -finds bits of C-3PO and brings him back to repair him-
Lando – Man, Leia, you are totally hot.
Han – Lando!
Lando – Hey, Solo, you can come to dinner tonight too. It’ll be sweet.
Han – Oh, that’s really nice Lando…
Vader – Soup’s on!
Han – Dude, what the hell?
Lando – Sorry, man, but they got here before you did. So, um, dinner?
Han – This is totally the opposite of sweet, Lando, you &#@$.
Lando – Okay, maybe I deserved that.
-the others are imprisoned and Han is tortured for no good reason at all-
Bespin, Carbonite Chamber:
Vader – Man, I am so clever setting this trap for Skywalker.
Lando – You do know that’s not supposed to be used for freezing people, right?
Vader – So, I’ll test it on Captain Solo.
Lando – Oh, man, seriously?
Boba Fett – Hey, if he dies, I don’t get paid.
Vader – We’ll pay you. Just stop whining, okay?
Leia – So, yeah, remember when I said I was in no way attracted to you? I totally am.
Han – I know, babe. -is frozen in carbonite-
Vader – And I’m taking the princess and wookie prisoner. And you’ll take this deal and like it or I leave troops here!
Lando – Ok, this did not go as planned and now I’m mad.
-Luke lands on Bespin with little to no resistance which doesn’t make him a bit suspicious but he does run into Lando’s party-
Leia – Luke, you idiot, get out of here before it’s too late!
Luke – Yeah, I already saw the future so I’m not turning back just because you tell me to.
Bespin, Carbonite Chamber:
Vader – Okay, kid, you and me. -thus commences the lightsaber duel-
Lando – Right, I’m altering the deal you Imperial jerks. So, you two need to go save Han. -Chewy tries to strangle Lando, which frankly is the only acceptable option after all this- Please stop with the strangling.
Leia – Right, you live so we can go save Han.
-they rush off to the landing platform but are completely unable to save Han and have to flee from more Stormtroopers-
Bespin, Carbonite Chamber:
Luke – This duel really isn’t going as I planned.
Vader – Really? I think it’s working like a charm. -Luke evades the freezing chamber- Or, not. Well, that’s alright. I’ll figure something out.
-further lightsaber dueling commences and Vader takes a tumble; Luke stupidly goes after him-
Vader – Really? You’re running after me. I am so much more bad-ass than you.
-further dueling and Luke getting hit with heavy objects then blown out of a pressurized window thing-
Vader – Whoops! I’m not actually trying to kill you.
Luke – Why is this shaft even there? What structural purpose does this serve? It makes no sense!
C-3PO – R2-D2, hack the computer and get the doors open!
R2 – Beep blorp! <I’m on it, okay, and hey I found out something important about the Falcon’s hyperdrive…>
C-3PO – We don’t care about that! Open the doors!
R2 – Blorp blooorp! <You are a jerk!>
-The Millennium Falcon takes off-
Central Shaft Thing:
-further dueling and Vader cuts off Luke’s hand-
Luke – You son of a @#$&! That was my hand!
Vader – Look, if you join me we can kill the Emperor, take over, and rule the galaxy. Won’t that be awesome?
Luke – Let me think… No!
Vader – I can tell you what happened to your father.
Luke – Obi-wan said you killed him.
Vader – I am your father!
Luke – I’m sorry, what?
Vader – I am your father!
Luke – You’re just messing with me.
Vader – Damn it, kid, I am your father! Search your feelings or listen to the Force or whatever you’ve been taught to do.
Luke – -searches feelings- Damn! You are my father! Ben totally lied to me!
Vader – Right. So, as I said, if you join me, you can destroy the Emperor and we can take over the galaxy.
Luke – I’m still going with NO here! -falls down shaft thing and eventually to some weird antenna at the bottom- And this day totally did not go as planned. Leia, a little help here?
Leia – We’re going back to get Luke.
Lando – No way, I’m getting out of here.
Chewy – Arnrnrghghghghwwwwarrrr! <You turn around before I snap your traitorous head off>
Lando – Right, so we’re going back to pick up this kid. No problem.
Luke – Thanks for the save.
Lando – We’re not out of danger just yet!
-the Falcon is pursued by the Imperial Fleet but fails to go into hyperspace-
Lando – Damn it, does this thing ever work?
R2-D2 – Beep blorp beep <Why don’t they just turn the hyperdrive back on?>
C-3PO – You don’t know anything. Just fix me.
R2-D2 – Blorp! <#@$& you!> -fixes hyperdrive which allows the Falcon to escape-
Lando – So we’ll go find Jabba and Han and report back.
R2-D2 – Beep blorpy beep beep <Find Jabba? He’s on Tatooine. He runs the place. Really, this isn’t a hard mission, people. Whatever, just ignore the astrodroid who keeps saving your lives>
Luke – And now I get a new hand and we stare purposely into the sequel.