or, “Thank you Joss Whedon!”
Dr. Selvig – Um, you answered your own question. We don’t understand it. By the way, why is your SHIELD guy always sitting up on the railing watching us like a hawk?
Fury – Because we don’t actually call him Hawkeye at any point in this movie; we just have an oblique reference.
Barton – Gee, thanks.
Fury – Hey, listen, you’re only here because we need a couple of badass normals in this flick and Ant-man objectively sucks on every level. You got that?
Barton – Sir, yes, sir.
[[the cosmic cube does more stuff no one understands and Loki, last seen falling to his doom or something, appears out of a doorway of light with a staff-thingy]]
Loki – I’m here to steal the cube, kidnap a bunch of people by brainwashing them with this staff-thingy for what appears to be no good reason, and demolish your entire R&D facility. Oh, and you can’t stop me. Watch!
[[Loki takes the cube, kidnaps Selvig and Barton, and wrecks the place although Fury and Maria Hill manage to escape]]
Hill – Now what?
Fury – It’s time for an awesome team-up!
Russian Mob Leader – So, the famous Black Widow is such a poor spy that we managed to capture her.
Barton – She gets a name shout-out and I don’t? Aw, man, not fair.
Fury – Dude, she actually had a part in Iron Man 2, unlike your one awkward scene in Thor. Now get out of here!
Russian Mob Thug – Um, okay, weird. Hey, her phone’s ringing. [[answers it]]
Coulson (phone) – Put Agent Romanoff on the phone before I have the squadron of fighter jets kill you all.
Russian Mob Thug – Um, it’s for you. [[hands phone to the Black Widow]]
Romanoff – Damn it, I told you to never interrupt me when I’m working. I’ve almost got all the information and I’m about ready to bust out of here.
Russian Mob Leader – Um, excuse me? What am I missing? There are three of us, who are all armed, and you, who is not armed and also tied up and about to be pushed into a pit.
Coulson (phone) – I know, I know, but it’s important. I’ll hold while you finish up.
Romanoff – Fine, fine. Hey, guys, have you heard of the trope “badass normal?”
Russian Mob Thug 2 – Um, no.
Romanoff – Allow me to demonstrate. [[the Black Widow proceeds to beat up all three mobsters while mostly tied up to the chair while Coulson listens to the beat-down as though it was a musak version of “The Girl from Iponepa;” then she casually walks away without so much as a run in her pantyhose]]
Tony Stark – Man, life is awesome. I’m awesome, Pepper, you’re awesome, so how could life not be totally awesome?
Coulson – Special delivery.
Stark – Dude, you are totally harshing my mellow. I’m not getting involved.
Pepper Potts – Yes, you are. [[hands Tony the mission briefing]] Nice to see you, Phil.
Stark – Phil? I didn’t know you had a first name.
Coulson – It’s amazing how charming you are even though you’re a complete dick sometimes.
Stark – Yeah, I know, right? Oooo, the sequel initiative. I thought I wasn’t qualified.
Coulson – You aren’t. But Director Fury is desperate.
Stark – Was that a SHIELD burn?
[[a scruffy distinctly non-Indian dude is lured into a hut where the Black Widow is waiting]]
Romanoff – Dr. Bruce Banner?
Banner – Yeah. What about it?
Romanoff – Do you, um, look different? Again?
Banner – Just go with the obvious casting changes.
Romanoff – Okay, fine. So you have barely contained rage issues that cause catastrophic disasters and you decided to hide out in one of the mostly densely populated cities in the entire world?
Banner – I’ll see your plot hole and raise you another; the whole point of the last movie was that I couldn’t be found and here you are.
Romanoff – Fine, let’s just move this story along without answering any of those questions.
Banner – You want the Hulk, don’t you?
Romanoff – Believe it or not, we actually want one of the world’s foremost experts in gamma radiation.
Banner – That’s flattering, but you could find one who doesn’t have barely contained rage issues that cause catastrophic disasters.
Romanoff – Fine, fine, possibly the Hulk will be useful too. We’re willing to take the risk.
Banner – Okay, but just so you know, I’m damn near indestructible. When this inevitably comes back to bite SHIELD on the ass, just know you’re be the ones who will be sorry.
Fury – Listen, I need someone to lead a rag-tag group of super-powered individuals to combat Loki and retrieve the cosmic cube and I think Captain America is just right for the job. Are you ready to get back into the action, soldier?
Steve Rogers – Sure. It’s not like I’ve got family or friends or anything to do. Hell, I’ve been out of circulation for 70 years and don’t even have basic coping skills for this world.
Fury – Wow, when I said save the brooding for the next movie, you sure did.
Rogers – Thank you, sir!
Chitauri XO – How’s the subjugating Earth thing going, Loki?
Loki – It’s going. I still get the cosmic cube, right?
Chitauri XO – Sure. We don’t need it to facilitate our conquest of the galaxy or anything.
Rogers – So you’re Howard Stark’s kid?
Stark – Roger, Rogers. By the way, what’s with that suit? You should really consider updating to something, you know, this century.
Rogers – *frosty sigh* Yeah, you are totally Howard Stark’s kid. Let’s get the iridium or whatever before Loki does.
Loki – Worship me, mortals!!!
Stark – At least he’s easy to find.
[[Loki has already gotten the iridium and is wasting time subjugating a crowd of people who really don’t know what the hell is going on. Cap and Iron Man attack Loki and after a brief fight he surrenders to them]]
Rogers – Okay, something is wrong here. You are up to something!
Loki – I have no idea what you’re talking about. I could really use a convenient diversion right now.
[[Thor obliges by smashing down on the aircraft]]
Thor – Please totally ignore the fact the whole plot of my movie is that it was not very easy to get from Asgard to Earth once the Bifrost bridge was destroyed and therefore my presence now is completely unexplainable. Loki, we’re going home!
Rogers – No, he’s going into SHIELD custody.
Thor – Right, now we’ll fight to establish our strengths relative to each other!
Stark – I am totally up for that!
Rogers – I think this is a terrible idea!
[[It is a terrible idea but Thor, Captain America, and Iron Man mix it up in a way that somehow proves they are all completely equal while Black Widow is left out of the weapon-waving contest (if you know what I mean)]]
Rogers – I hope you idiots are happy! Loki surely escaped in the confusion!
Loki – Nope, I’m right here.
Rogers – Wait, what? You didn’t try to escape? I mean, we were in the middle of an all-out brawl while the Widow was stuck trying not to crash and die. There was absolutely nothing we could do to stop you from escaping.
Loki – Yeah, well, you know. Stuff.
Rogers – Okay, this is too suspicious. I am not taking him anywhere. [[an intern hands him the script]] Okay, I guess I am. Hey, by the way, Thor, how did you know my shield could stop your hammer? Because if you didn’t know that, you were trying to kill me!
Thor – Oh, look, next scene!
SHIELD Helicarrier, Deck:
Banner – So, you’re putting me on a submarine. This seems like the worst idea ever. [[the engines fire up]] Oh, helicarrier. Okay, I was wrong. This is the worst idea ever. Take me to the lab, please.
SHIELD Helicarrier, Lab:
Fury – I want you to study Loki’s staff-thingy. Also, the cosmic cube emits gamma radiation. Can you build a device to track it?
Banner – Um, yeah. I’ll just need multi-modal reflection sorting…
Stark – You speak Technobabble! I speak Technobabble! Reverse the polarity!
Banner – Time and relative dimensions in space!
Romanoff – I have to say, those are the last two guys I expected to start a geeked out bromance.
Rogers – I don’t know what that word means because I am bitterly out of touch with modern times, but I’m glad someone can stand Stark’s kid.
Stark – Hey, old man, what’s that supposed to mean?
Rogers – What would you be without your toys?
Stark – Um, awesome. Dude, seriously, I’ve had two movies to establish how awesome I am.
Rogers – You have no idea what it means to be a hero! [[leaves in a huff]]
Fury – Maybe I should tell him to cut down on the brooding.
SHIELD Helicarrier, Later:
Coulson – Oh my god, it’s him! It’s him it’s totally him! Squee! Wait, wait, Phil. Be cool. Be cool. [[sidles up to Captain America]] So, hey, you’re awesome.
Rogers – Thanks.
Coulson – I’m Agent Coulson, but you can call me Phil. I mean, if you want to, but if you don’t, that’s cool, okay? Okay. I’ve been a fan since forever. I mean, I read all the stories about you. I’ve-I’ve got trading cards.
Rogers – I’m sorry, what?
Coulson – Yeah, mint condition. You think maybe you could sign one later?
Rogers – I, um, sure, I guess. Listen, I have a thing. [[quickly moves on]]
Coulson – Stupid, stupid! I should have waited before asking about the autograph.
SHIELD Helicarrier, Lab:
Banner – I can’t help but notice you just hacked into the helicarrier’s database.
Stark – Well, you know, I was bored and it was there. But seriously, I want to know what SHIELD is really doing with the cosmic cube. I mean, I’m the guy leading the world in clean energy with an advanced fusion reactor under my building. So I just want to find out what they’re doing with it. Oh, and here’s the answer.
Rogers – [[bursts in]] I got bored and started to poke around and found SHIELD’s been using the cosmic cube to develop weapons.
Stark – Okay, well, that’s not how I did it, but we both got the same answer. So let’s have a chat with One-Eye.
Fury – So, you hacked into my database and you broke into my weapons storage. I guess I probably shouldn’t lie. Since we found out about other alien races, we’ve been building weapons to defend ourselves against them. And now let’s start the argument over the moral and ethical ramifications.
SHIELD Helicarrier, Cell:
Romanoff – Which the audience won’t have to see as the movie cuts to me in my totally hot and practical catsuit. So, Loki, what’s your plan?
Loki – You really think I’m going to tell you that?
Romanoff – Okay, so instead I’ll share some very personal information regarding my past relationship with Agent Barton, whom I would very much like to rescue.
Loki – Do you think a trickster god will fall for such a pathetically transparent attempt to manipulate me?
Romanoff – Look, I’m almost in tears.
Loki – Hahahahahaha! Pathetic mortal. The Hulk will kill everyone!!
Romanoff – Oh, that’s your plan. Honestly, that really shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone. Excuse me, I’m going to try to avert catastrophic disaster.
Loki – Well, either she really did trick me, or I gave her the information she needed because it doesn’t matter at this point. I’ll leave it to the audience to decide.
[[The Black Widow’s efforts to prevent disaster are thwarted by the staff-thingy which apparently influences moods and then the argument is interrupted by Agent Barton and company disabling an engine in an attempt to recover Loki and/or the plot device; iridium, right? Whatever, as the lab is blown up and everyone is separated]]
SHIELD Helicarrier, Disabled Engine:
Rogers – Okay, we’re going to have to work together to fix the engine. And I’d really appreciate it if you could try not being condescending.
Stark – Yeah, I’m not promising anything. Flip the toggle…I mean, pull the red thingy!
SHIELD Helicarrier, Hallway:
Romanoff – Ouch. Well, things are definitely bad. But they can’t get too much worse, right Dr. Banner? Dr. Banner…
Banner – HULK SMASH!
Romanoff – $#%& me. [[runs the hell away as best she can]]
Banner – Hulk hate stupid flying metal thing and stupid SHIELD agents! HULK wreck everyTHING!
Thor – I’ll handle this! [[engages the enraged Hulk; it goes about as well you might expect and only ends when Thor drops him off the helicarrier]] That was a worthy opponent. Now to stop Loki! [[that also goes as well as you might expect and ends when Loki drops Thor, who is trapped in the holding cell, off the helicarrier; Thor does manage to avoid being squished]]
Loki – What an idiot.
Coulson – I’m going to have to ask you to put down the staff-thingy and surrender.
Loki – You and what army?
Coulson – Well, I do have this gun based off the Destroyer that’s never been fired before. Is that intimidating enough? [[Loki stabs him in the back revealing the original to have been an illusion]]
Loki – No. You are pathetic! You are…! [[Loki is abruptly blasted out of the helicarrier by the gun]]
Coulson – Well, I’m glad I got to fire that thing before I died. Colonel Fury, please use my death as a rallying moment for the team, okay? Name them the Avengers because they’re avenging me and stuff, okay?
Fury – Sure, got it, and hopefully the audience does too.
[[Coulson dies and the audience is sad; we liked Phil]]
Romanoff – Okay, good, the Hulk is off my back and now I can take a breather… [[is attacked by a brainwashed Barton]] Seriously? Fine, fine, me and Clint. [[and that fight goes as well as you might expect and ends when the Black Widow smashes his face against a metal railing and knocks him unconscious]]
SHIELD Helicarrier, Later:
Barton – So it turns out having my head smashed against a metal railing cured the brainwashing. Who knew?
Fury – We lost Banner, we lost Loki, we lost the cube, we almost lost the damn helicarrier, and we lost Agent Coulson.
Stark – Oh, man, Phil’s dead? That sucks.
Rogers – I feel kind of bad for not signing his trading cards now. Okay, it’s time for a heroic speech about how we all need to come together and save the world!
Avengers – Yeah!
Rogers – Um, once we figure out what the hell Loki is going to do.
Stark – He’s clearly going to use the cube to open a door and let the aliens invade. Of course, there are lots of potential power sources, but he’s going to go for something obvious, like a literal monument to egoism… Why is everyone looking at me? Oh, crap, it’s Stark Tower, isn’t it? Yeah, I need to call Pepper…
New York City:
[[the aliens are invading, the aliens are invading]]
Stark – Aw, right, it’s time for the battle royale! Yeah! Hey, who are you again and what’s with the arrows? Man, I thought Captain WWII was out of touch with modern times.
Barton – *frosty sigh*
Rogers – *frosty sigh* Go scout your tower and figure out what’s going on.
Stark – Roger, Rogers.
Rogers – Thor, go hold off the alien fleet.
Thor – Verily! [[takes off to fight the alien ships]]
Romanoff – Um, I think we’re still a little short-handed here.
Stark – We’re here to avenge Agent Coulson.
Loki – Who with the what now? Anyway, I have an alien fleet. How in the world can you hope to win?
Stark – We have a Hulk.
Loki – Hahahaha!!! No, seriously.
Stark – That’s the answer. We have a Hulk. You don’t. End of story.
Loki – You annoy me so much I’m throwing you out a window. [[does so]]
Stark – You’ll be sorrrryyyy!! [[dons new and improved Iron Man armor and joins in the fray]]
Barton – Hey, what about me? I want to be relevant! [[Iron Man drops Barton on the top of a building to keep an eye on things and prove archery doesn’t have to be a lame power; it’s weird with all the guns, but not lame]] I’m blowing stuff up!
Banner – [[casually drives up on a motorcycle]] So, you’ve got a problem and I think I can help.
Romanoff – You really are damn near indestructible! But last time you Hulked out, you nearly killed all of us.
Banner – Yeah, well, I’m not angry at you guys now. But I’m mad as hell at them. [[Hulks out in a totally controlled fashion which has never happened with this movie franchise version of the Hulk ever]] Hulk SMASH! [[which he does and even gets in another pot-shot at Thor because why the hell not?]]
Rogers – Now I’m going to be relevant! Okay, police, you listen to me and I’ll lead you through this safely.
Random Cop – Who the hell do you think you are?
Rogers – [[saves the random cops’ sorry butts]] Captain America, damn it!
Random Cop – Okay, you’re the boss.
Romanoff – Give me a lift and I’ll get to Stark tower! [[Captain America does so and the Black Widow manages to get to the top of the tower, where the shielded Cube is beaming portal-energy into the sky]] Well, there’s the problem.
Selvig – I built in a safety device, even though I was brainwashed. Use Loki’s staff-thingy to penetrate the shield and hit the off button!
Romanoff – So we just need Loki to drop it. Like that’s going to conveniently happen…
Banner – HULK smash mean god!
Loki – Hahahaha! No mortal can harm…
Banner – BAMM! BAMM! BAMM-BAMM-BAMM! [[beats Loki to within an inch of his life; at my showing the entire audience laughed at this]] Jerk.
Loki – Owww…Stark…was…right…owwww…
Shadowy Cabal – The Avengers can’t save the city. We’re nuking it. We’ve already launched a jet.
Fury – Oh hell no! [[manages to take out one jet but the Shadowy Cabal apparently planned ahead and sent out two jets armed with nukes]] Avengers! You’ve got to end the alien invasion now!
Rogers – With all due respect to a commanding officer, what the hell do you thing we’ve been trying to do? Anyway, Widow, do your thing!
Romanoff – Just…hitting…the button…now…
Rogers – Stark, get the nuke!
Stark – Roger, Rogers.
Rogers – *frosty sigh* Doesn’t that ever get old?
Stark – Nope. [[retrieves missile]] Hey, I just had a terrible idea. I’m going to be a true hero!
Rogers – That’s a terrible idea!
[[Iron Man steers the missile into space and to the Chitauri mothership before his armor gives out and he falls right back into the portal before the missile blows up the mothership; Thor catches Iron Man before he falls to his death]]
Romanoff – Barton, you’re up high. What the hell just happened?
Barton – I don’t know. Everyone just died! Everything just stopped working and fell out of the sky like there was a giant off-switch!
Romanoff – So we conveniently don’t have to fight off the rest of this alien army, only clean up the mess?
Barton – Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. Is Stark dead!
Banner – RAAARRRRWWWR!
Stark – Gah! I’m awake! I’m awake! Okay, so we won? Great. Who’s up for lunch? Anyone? My treat.
Shadowy Cabal – Why did you let Thor take Loki and the cosmic cube back to Asgard? We were going to use that!
Fury – I’m not stupid enough to try to tell a god what to do. But hey, if you want to try to order him around, be my guest. *crickets chirping* Yeah, that’s what I thought.
Chitauri XO – Okay, that totally didn’t work, although in retrospect we should have learned from The Phantom Menace not to equip the entire damn army with a kill switch. I think we should leave this planet alone. They’re insane! They’re willing to kill everyone!
Chitauri Leader – [[turns, faces screen]] Good.
Fans Who Recognize Chitauri Leader – GAAAHHHHH!!!
Non-Fans – Who’s the purple guy supposed to be?
Secret Ending 2:
Thor – *nom nom nom* This is good. [[everyone else is staring blankly at each other in the wreck of the restaurant]] What’s with you guys? It’s like you’ve never been in battle before! You need to just get over it. *nom nom nom* Are you going to eat that?