or, “Angst up to Eleven”
Peter (narrating) – Life is actually good, believe it or not. I’ve got the girl of my dreams, I’m making straight A’s, I still have the boss from hell but at least I’m still getting paid, and the whole city loves me. I’m the bestest superhero ever. It’s blue skies and clear sailing from here on in!
[[A meteorite crashes and a strange alien goo follows Peter home]]
Alien goo – That’s what you think, sucker!
[[Escaped convict Flint Marko goes to visit is daughter is thrown out of the house by his ex-wife and starts to be chased by the cops]]
Marko – Well, at least I’ve established I’m meant to be a sympathetic character.
Aunt May’s Tiny Apartment:
Peter – Aunt May, my life is going so incredibly well right now, I’m going to propose to MJ.
May – I’m sure that will work out for you as well as everything else. If your story is still all about the girl, you should be fine. Otherwise, well, don’t lose the ring, okay?
Peter – [[walking home]] That was omnious, but I’m sure everything will be just fine now.
Green Goblin 2 (on a snowboard glider!) – That’s what you think, sucker!
Peter – Aw, damn it, I forgot to go back to Harry at the end of the last movie and tell him not to go crazy. Harry, I don’t suppose we can discuss how your father actually tried to kill me, not the other way around, like civilized people?
GG2 – I’ve been nursing this dark and unhealthy obsession for an entire movie and you think I’m going to let it go now? Just die, loser!
[[Peter manages to defeat GG2 but it ends up with Harry taking a trip to the emergency room]]
Peter – So, Harry, how do you feel? Obessive? Psycho? Have an inexplicable urge to wear green? Do you remember anything?
Harry – Actually, I can’t remember anything that’s happened over the past few months and man does it feel good.
Peter – Well, things are looking up after all. I guess last night wasn’t all bad.
Marko – Speak for yourself, jerk. I ended up falling into random giant particle physics reactor of some sort, and what the hell is something like that doing anywhere near a major metropolitan area, and anyway I ended up a giant walking pile of sand. I’m mean, I’m not dead, but even as a criminal this isn’t where I expected my life to go.
MJ – Pete, I’ve got some bad news too. My play was reviewed really badly…
Peter – Sorry, police scanner, tell me later, love you, bye.
MJ – Well, okay, that’s fine then. I guess. Off to work.
[[Spider-man saves a gorgeous blonde named Gwen Stacey from certain death from a malfunctioning tower crane]]
Brock – My name’s Eddie Brock. I’ll be your new photographer because that Parker guy is such an amateur and I can make you look like ten times more awesome and…hey! Where are you going in such a hurry? Hm, guess he had someone else to save. Off to the Bugle!
The Daily Bugle:
Peter – Well, okay, Brock didn’t know I’m my own photographer, so I guess he’s not that big a jerk.
Brock – Hey, I’m totally after your job, Parker.
Peter – I take it back. Boss, a little help here?
J. Jonah Jameson – Whichever one of you gets a picture of Spider-man doing something criminal gets the staff position.
Peter – I take it back. Don’t help me.
MJ – Hey, why is my understudy rehearsing for tonight’s show… Oh. Well, that’s just great. One bad review and I’m fired?
Heartless Producer – That’s show business. Laters!
MJ – Well, at least my boyfriend’s going to get the key to the city. That’ll cheer me up.
MJ – Peter, I have something dreadfully important to tell you…
Spider-man – Later, babe, I’m about to get the key to the city. Love you, bye.
MJ – Okay, and I’m alone again.
Harry – Hey, MJ, how are you?
MJ – I just got fired.
Harry – Oh, wow, I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do?
MJ – Oh, you mean you not only heard what I had to say but are also expressing genuine sympathy? I forgot what that was like.
Spider-man – Hey, Gwen, want to help me to do the most colossally stupid thing I could possibly do at this moment, and in fact possibly the stupidest thing I have done in the entire movie trilogy?
Gwen – Um, sure? You saved my life and all.
Spider-man – Kiss me as I dangle upside down.
Gwen – Sure. –kisses him–
MJ – Gah!! That’s like our first kiss! What in the hell does that… [[gets angsty]] I have to go.
Spider-man – So you’re a walking sandbox? And you’re just going to rob banks? With great power comes great responsibility…
Sandman – Shove it, freak-o. [[wallops him good and escapes]]
Spider-man – This city just gets weirder and weirder. Seriously. Green Power Rangers, guys with malicious sentient limbs, what next? A lizard man? A guy in a rhinoceres suit? Good grief.
Peter – Haven’t I seen you before in prior movies? And weren’t you a total jerk to me?
Maitre’d – Um, possibly. But I’m going to be nice this time.
Peter – Oh, well, that’s cool. Because I’m going to propose to the girl of my dreams tonight.
Maitre’d – I can make that happen for you, as long as you don’t screw it up.
Peter – I think I’m good.
MJ – Peter, I had a really awful day today…
Peter – Yeah, today has been pretty cool.
MJ – My play, well, it didn’t work out…
Peter – Yeah, it’s pretty cool too. Did you notice how I was actually there opening night?
MJ – Er, and you know, that kiss at the ceremony was really hurtful…
Peter – Yeah, I’m glad I got the key to the city too.
MJ – I mean, the way you just kissed that total stranger…
Peter – Hey, Gwen, I didn’t expect to see you here? How are things with you?
Gwen – Pretty good. But I see you’re busy. I’ll see in you in science lab on Thursday.
Peter – Yeah, it’s a date. What? Gwen’s just my lab partner. Anyway, I had something really important to talk to you about…
MJ – You are a total jerk and I never want to see you again in my life [[storms out in a huff]]
Maitre’d – See, I was on cue. You were the one who screwed up.
Peter – How in the world did that happen?
Maitre’d – My guess is you’re a moron who doesn’t deserve her in the first place.
Peter – Hey, Harry, how are things with you? Any worrisome signs of obsession or psychosis?
Harry – Nah, I still feel great. Hey, look, I appear to have totally awesome super-reflexes.
Peter – Okay, so that’s omnious…
Captain Stacey – So I called you both here to re-open an old and painful wound. The man you thought killed your beloved husband and uncle and who subsequently died falling out of a window was not in fact the man who killed your beloved husband and uncle. That man was actually Flint Marko, who is currently at large. Here’s his mug shot.
Peter – The walking sandbox!
Captain Stacey – Ok, please take your angst elsewhere.
MJ – Peter, I heard about your Uncle Ben’s killer, and even though you were really mean to me last night, I want you to know I’m here for you now in this difficult time…
Peter – Get lost, MJ, I’m about to start down dark path of obsession and vengeance. I mean, it worked so well for Harry.
MJ – You are such a jerk! What in the hell is wrong with me? I should get a real man! [[gets angsty]]
Alien goo – About damn time. I have been stuck under his bed for half this damn movie. You think I travelled millions of freaking light years on a hunk of iron and nickel because I really wanted a place to live that smells like old sweat-socks? Well, let’s get this show on the road! [[merges with the Spider-man suit]]
Peter – So, who changed my costume while I was deliriously having dark obsessive nightmares? Although the black is kind of cool, and it seems to amplify my powers. Still, better let a doctor check it out.
Curt Connors – It appears to be an alien symbiotic lifeform that bonds with a host on a genetic level. I’m not sure what the effects are, but you really shouldn’t let this stuff get on you.
Peter – That’s great advice I probably won’t take right on account of being unhealthily obsessed.
Police Scanner – Hey, we found Flint Marko. Any obsessive, psycho, vigilantes want to come get him you’re totally free to do.
Peter – Rock on. And despite what Dr. Conners said, I like having even more awesome superpowers, so I’m taking the evil Spider-suit.
Alien goo – Muahahahaha!!
[[Spider-man engages Sandman, who temporarily escapes down a sewer drain]]
Brock – I totally dig the black, my man, and let me say my photos are so much better than Parker’s…
[[Spider-man smashes the camera and heads after Sandman]]
Brock – Not cool man, not cool! Well, time to pull out the trusty digital camera.
[[Spider-man hunts down Sandman]]
Sandman – Dude, what the hell? So I stole a little money. It’s not like I killed anyone. Well, no, I did, but I’m really sorry about that. It was totally the wrong thing to do and I regret every day of my existence, although not enough that I’m going back to jail, but I am really sorry about killing that old guy.
Spider-man – Whatever. Just die. [[rips open a main and washes the Sandman away]]
Aunt May – You’re looking a little goth today, Peter. Are you alright?
Peter – I’m fine. And Spider-man killed Flint Marko. Isn’t that great?
Aunt May – No, and I’m sorry Spider-man did that. Vengeance will eat away at his heart, like a poison.
Alien goo – Venom, lady, venom! Not poison! Venom Venom Venom!!!
Peter – Feh. Whatever, Aunt May.
MJ – Wow, Peter is such a jerk. My job at the jazz club as a singing waitress is so degrading I need a friend. Well, Peter hasn’t been there for me, I’ll try Harry.
Harry – I’m sorry Peter sucks. I’ll cheer you up in a totally platonic way!
[[They cook, they dance, a good time is had by both and then they kiss]]
MJ – Oh, damn it. I’m sorry Harry, but this is all wrong. I didn’t mean to lead you on… I have to go…
GG2 – Hey, Harry, guess who’s baaaack? And here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to screw with MJ and Pete and get them to break up and then let them know you orchestrated the whole sadistic scheme. It’s going to be totally sweet. [[does so]] Man, this is awesome. I am so bad.
Spider-man – You think you’re bad, wait until you get a load of me.
GG2 – The goth look doesn’t really suit you.
Spider-man – Actually, it “suits” me just fine. You picked a really bad time to be a sadistic bastard because right now I’m a better one. [[proceeds to totally kick GG2’s ass from here to next Sunday]] Oh, and your father totally hated you.
GG2 – You die! [[lobs a pumpkin bomb]]
Spider-man – Feh. Whatever. [[lobs the bomb right back leaving GG2 caught in the ensuing explosion]]
Sandman – This smell is never coming out! I am going to kill that costumed freak!
Curt Connors (phone) – Hey, Peter, that symbiote thing is really bad news. It enhances aggressive tendencies in the host and is kind of addictive. If you’ve got any more of that stuff, you should get rid of it as soon as possible… Peter? Hello? Hello?
Peter – And now for the jerk-ass montage, yeah! Look, ordinary people on the street think I’m a total jerk and they haven’t even tried to date me. Jazz hands!
The Daily Bugle:
Peter – Brock, you jerk, you totally faked these photos.
Brock – Please don’t tell JJJ. I really need this job.
Peter – Whatever. Hey, JJJ, you need to fire this faker and give me the job.
JJJ – Sure thing, Parker. By the way, what a way to be a total jerk. Keep up the good work!
Peter – Thanks for coming out to this club with me, Gwen. Look, there’s my ex-girlfriend. I’ll totally humilate both of you.
Gwen – MJ, I didn’t know… I have to go…
Bouncers – Man, you should leave now.
Peter – Whatever. [[beats up the bouncers and then accidentally smacks MJ]] Uh oh. What in the hell is wrong with me?
MJ – What the hell is wrong with you?
Peter – I have to go…
Peter – Get off, get off. Out out damn spot! This stuff is worse than super-glue!
Alien goo – Nooo!! I haven’t even gotten five whole minutes in this movie! No one has even told the audience my name! I’m just that alien goo! I’m not ending my acting career like this!
[[the bells start chiming, which seems to help Peter dislodge the black suit]]
Brock – Hi, God, Eddie again. Listen, could you please kill Peter Parker? I mean, by such a request I’m obviously some sort of obsessive psychopath, but that’s no reason not to say yes, right? I know, I totally faked the pictures to get a job I didn’t deserve and would incidentially ruin Spider-man’s reputation and leave Parker unemployed, but that’s no reason for Parker to rat me out like that. I truly, sincerely want him dead. So, please commence with the smiting. Man, what is up with that screaming? It’s raining black goo? What the hell is this?
Alien goo – I am totally your new best friend and together we are going to totally kill Spider-man.
Brock – Sweet. Thanks God!
Aunt May’s Tiny Apartment:
Peter – Aunt May, I totally screwed everything up. Take the ring back. I’m not ready to give it to MJ.
May – I’ll keep it for you. Now, go make things right again. By the way, dropping that whole goth thing was a really good first move.
Brock – I’m Venom now damn it!
Alien goo not named in this movie – Okay, fine, refer to me as Brock. How hard would it have been to put in my freakin’ name!?
Brock – Hey, Sandman, let’s team up, kidnap Mary Jane Watson as a hostage, and kill Spider-man.
Sandman – Sure, I guess. But how did you know to find me and how do you know he’ll come save that particular woman?
Brock – Whoa, look at the clock. We’d better get this fight scene started soon. No time for explanations.
Reporter – Breaking news. A woman is suspended in a cab in a web over a dangerous construction site with a walking sandbox and a black Spider-man.
MJ – Damn it! Why does this keep happening to me? I broke up with him! It’s like I’m typecast to be the damsel in distress!
Peter – Harry, you saw the news. I need your help to rescue MJ.
Harry – Dude, you betrayed me, killed my father, and tried to kill me. My face is half-deformed and you think I’m going to help you out? You can stuff your webbing where the sun don’t shine.
Peter – Harry, I didn’t kill your father, and you did try to kill me too, but that’s not important right now. MJ needs us. I can’t do this alone. They will most likely kill me without your help.
Harry – Hey, better and better. Don’t let the door hit you on your way out.
[[Peter heads to his likely death]]
Loyal butler – Actually, sir, pardon my interference, but what the young man says is quite true. Your father died by getting impaled with his own glider.
Harry – Hell, Jeeves, why doesn’t anyone tell me anything around here?
Loyal butler – We think it a bad idea to distribute information that could encourage psychopathic tendencies that seem to be inherent in the Osborn genetic line.
Harry – I can’t argue with that. Rats, time to see which way my moral compass is pointing today.
[[And the fight scene commences]]
Spider-man – Eddie! Eddie! That alien is evil! It will take you over and you’ll lose your personality and become a total villain. Take it off before it’s too late!
Brock – You know what? I’m okay with being evil.
Spider-man – *blink blink* You’re okay with being evil? Well, that wasn’t the answer I was expecting at all. I’m not sure what to do now.
Brock – I know! You can die!
[[Spider-man proceeds to get beaten nearly to death]]
GG2 – Okay, it turns out the moral compass is pointing north today. I still hate you, but you didn’t kill my father, and MJ needs help.
MJ – Thanks, because I can’t hang around here all day!
[[Spider-man and GG2 save MJ and defeat Sandman with missiles and sheer mass of construction debris]]
Sandman – I’m more concrete-foundation-man at this point and pretty much out of the fight.
Brock – Fine, I’ll do it myself.
[[clanging metal tubes appear to hurt Brock]]
Brock – Stop with the noise! Look, I’ll kill both of you, I don’t really care. [[tries to impale Spider-man on the Goblin glider]]
GG2 – Noooo! [[gets stabbed then falls]] Ouch. Stupid self-sacrifice. And ironic, dying the same way my father died.
MJ – At least you’ve got me here to comfort you.
GG2 – Well, I’ll take what I can get.
[[Brock and Spider-man continue to fight until Spider-man uses the one power he almost never exercises: brain power]]
Spider-man – I totally get it! The bells and the tubes! That alien is vulnerable to sonic waves. Ah, the sweet sound of victory! [[disrupts the symbiote enough to free Brock and then tosses a pumpkin bomb at it to kill it]]
Brock – No, wait, my power! My evil power! [[dives back in much to the shock of Spider-man and is presumbly blown up]]
Alien goo – Nooo! One fight scene!!! That’s it? And no one even named me!! ARGH!
Sandman – Spider-man, I’m really sorry for killing your uncle and trying to kill you and that innocent bystander. I’m sorry I didn’t help you save your crazy friend on the flying snowboard. So, yeah, I’m really sorry.
Spider-man – I forgive you.
Sandman – Thanks. Now to not go to jail and not pay for my crimes in any way. Laters!
Peter – Well, better go drop in on MJ and Harry before he dies.
Harry – Yeah, well, I’m sorry, Peter.
Peter – I’m sorry too.
Harry – [[dies]]
Peter – MJ, I’m sorry.
MJ – I’m sorry too.
Peter – So that’s how it ends? Harry’s dead, I still have the boss from hell, you still work at that lousy nightclub, and we can barely tolerate each other?
MJ – Yeah, I know. Pretty much par for the course.
Peter – Ok, so, well, let’s fade out already.
— fade out–
Venom – At least you have names! I’m only mentioned in the credits! How can I get a spin-off/sequel if I’m only known as “that alien goo bonded to that jerk photographer?” ARGH!