or, “Mary Jane Should Have Married the Astronaut”
[[Peter Parker rides a bicycle past an advertisement for Mary Jane’s perfume and almost gets killed; on a side note, MJ must be a damn good actress or something to make a Broadway play in only two years]]
Owner – Damn, Pete, can you ever do anything on time? One more chance, then I fire your ass.
Peter – I won’t fail you.
[[he fails to deliver]]
Owner – Your ass is fired. Loser.
Peter – Aw, darn it.
Empire State University:
Curt Connors – Damn, Peter, can you ever do anything on time? You missed class again. I’m going to have to fail you if you don’t stop being such a slacker.
Peter – No, really, I’m not a slacker. I’ll prove it.
The Daily Bugle:
J. Jonah Jameson – Parker, you know I just want Spider-man photos.
Peter – Yeah, but you’re ruining his reputation.
J. Jonah Jameson – So? The paper sells better. Fork over the goods if you want a paycheck. [[Pete hands him a Spider-man photo]] See? It all works out. Now get the hell out of my office.
Peter – I hate that man so very, very much. [[Pete goes to his tiny apartment then out to patrol]]
Aunt May’s House:
May – Surprise! Happy birthday, Peter! Look, I invited Mary Jane and Harry over too.
Harry – So, when are you going to tell me where to find Spider-man, huh, huh?
Peter – Harry, I sympathize. Really. You think Spider-man killed your dad, and you want revenge. I keep telling you, that’s just not healthy and you should stop obsessing over this.
Harry – You’re right. You’re right. I’m sorry. So, MJ loves you. When are you going to do something about it?
Peter – Um, I’m not.
Harry – Dude, what the hell is wrong with you? She’s gorgeous. Hey, when are you going to tell me where to find Spider-man?
Peter – Um, Harry, you’re obsessing again.
MJ – Pete, if you haven’t noticed, I’m in love with you. When are you going to do something about it?
Peter – Um, I’m not.
MJ – Ok. Fine. I’m only going to throw myself at you a few more times, and then I’m just going to have to marry this guy I’m going out with right now.
Peter – Well, alright. I guess. [[gets weepy]] I’ll come see your play if that’ll help.
MJ – What? Honestly. What the hell is wrong with you? -mutters- What the hell is wrong with me?
Peter – What’s this? A notice that the bank is foreclosing on Aunt May? Darn it. I have to help.
May – No, you won’t. I’m still able-bodied enough. Now you take this twenty and go home. [[gets weepy]] Oh, and MJ loves you. When are you going to do something about it?
Peter – Um, I’m not.
May – *blink* What’s wrong with you?
Peter – I’m not a loser, I’m just sensitive. Woe, woe is me. I just can’t be with the love of my life because my secret would hurt her so. Woe, woe. [[webbing gives out]] Whoa!!! [[crashes]] What the hell is wrong with me?
Harry – Dr. Otto Octavius, meet Peter Parker. He wants to do a paper about you.
Otto – I have no time for this! I am a genius, and Dr. Connors says you’re a slacker.
Harry – Ahem, Otto, Pete’s my friend. And I sign your paychecks.
Otto – Right then. So, Peter, let’s go to my place for lunch and meet my wife. I’ll give you material for your paper and a few lessons on life and love.
Peter – Keen.
Peter – Right, I have a chance to make everything up to MJ even though I can’t be with her if only I can cross this street without incident. [[a police car wails by]] Aw, darn it!
[[Spider-man goes to help out, but ends up stranded on the top of a building with his webbing not working]]
Random guy – I’m going to assume you’re just some weird guy in a Spider-man costume rather than really Spider-man, and hope you’re not, you know, psychotic or something.
Spider-man – Good plan. It’s less embarrassing than wondering why Spider-man is taking an elevator.
Peter – Whew, made it, and I’m only a little late. Usher, let me in.
Usher – Sorry, but you missed the curtain call. You can’t go in.
Peter – Hey, you look familiar. Have I seen you before in a previous movie? Possibly as an obnoxious wrestling announcer? Or anything directed by Sam Raimi in the last twenty years?
Usher – Beat it, kid, you’re disrupting the play.
[[Peter sulks outside, waiting for MJ; she emerges and is immediately greeted with a kiss by a handsome, strapping man; Peter gets weepy and he walks away, just before MJ looks for him]]
Peter – [[makes a phone call; gets MJ’s machine]] Heh, funny story about last night. See, I really meant to get to the play, but I was a little late, and that darn usher just wouldn’t let me in. Man, he looked about ready to kick my ass with a chainsaw, but I really meant to be there but I couldn’t because [answer machine clicks off] I’m Spider-man, and a moron, it seems. [[gets weepy]]
Otto – Today I unlock the secret of fusion before your very eyes and get myself a Nobel Prize. Now let me strap on this set of four artificially intelligent, nearly indestructible arms.
Reporter – Couldn’t you get a Nobel Prize for those arms alone?
Otto – Er, no, it’s because they could take over my brain and my only control is one single tiny little chip. I haven’t had time to develop a better system what with my work on nuclear fusion. Now watch as I create a sun for your amazement. [[creates sun]]
Audience – Ooo, ahhh!
[[then the experiment goes horribly, predictably wrong as the sun’s magnetic field starts to rip the room apart]]
Audience – Panic!!!
Peter – This is a good time to dash off and assume my secret identity. Pardon me.
Otto – No, wait, I’ve got it all under control. Just one minute…
[[Spider-man saves Harry’s life]]
Harry – *obsessing* I’m still going to kill you to avenge my father!!
[[Spider-man fails to save the life of Otto’s wife]]
Spider-man – Aw, darn it darn it!! [[stops experiment; Otto is electrocuted and passes out]]
Harry – Noo, my company is ruined! Ruined! Ahh, whatever shall I do!! And I still haven’t gotten revenge on Spider-man!
Peter – Harry, you’re obsessing again. Come on, it’s not that bad.
Harry – Stuff it, loser.
The Daily Bugle:
J. Jonah Jameson – You’re fired!
Peter – What? I didn’t even do anything.
J. Jonah Jameson – Never mind, I need you to take pictures at this party tonight. You’re hired!
Peter – What’s wrong with you?
J. Jonah Jameson – Heh. My son’s an astronaut.
[[Harry gets drunk at the bar; John Jameson enters with MJ on his arm]]
Peter – D’oh! This is serious. I may lose her even though I don’t have her and can’t have her because of my secret identity and man am I such a loser.
MJ – Pete, what the hell is wrong with you? You’re never there, you break your promises, and I’m dating an astronaut who’s seen my play six times! You are such a jerk! [[she gets weepy and she stomps away]]
Harry – Peter, you bastard. [[slaps him]] You won’t give me the information I need to get revenge. [[slaps him again]] Some best friend you are! [[stomps away]]
Peter – What? Great. Can my life get any worse?
John Jameson – I’d like to announce my engagement to Mary Jane Watson.
Peter – Dammit. Now I’m swearing, dammit! At least it can’t get any worse than this.
[[Otto’s four arms wake up and kill the surgeons about to operate on him; then walk his unconscious body out of the hospital]]
Otto – Oh, no. It’s all gone wrong, wrong. My wife is dead, my life is over. I should drown myself. [[lights in arms go omniously red]] But the voices in my head are telling me to rebuild my experiement in this unsuitable sunken hut on the dock. Yes, yes, that’s a great idea. I’ll have to turn to crime to do it, but that’s fine by me, now that I’m listening to the voices of the evil arms inside my head. Why did I make the AI in these things malovalent in the first place? Oh, well, it’s working for me now.
May – I need a loan.
Loan Officer – Sorry, lady.
Ock – I’d to make a withdrawl.
Loan Officer – Surepleasedon’tkillmeIwanttolive.
[[Peter dashes off]]
Loan Officer – Your kid is such a loser.
May – Hey, who’s cowering with the old lady?
[[Spider-man shows up, and they start to fight]]
Ock – Screw this. [[grabs Aunt May]] I’m taking the old lady hostage.
Spider-man – Aw, dammit!
[[Spider-man follows, gets whupped up on, and Aunt May manages to distract Ock at a key moment and saves Spider-man]]
Ock – Fine, you keep the old lady. I’m taking the cash!
Spider-man – Aw, dammit dammit!
The Daily Bugle:
Ted “Yep, here’s my cameo” Raimi’s character – How about we call this guy Doctor Octopus?
J. Jonah Jameson – No, I have a better idea. Let’s call him Doctor Octopus. Doc Ock for short. Man, I’m clever. “Heh. What’re the odds of a guy named Otto Octavius ending up with eight limbs?”
Ted “Yep, here’s my cameo” Raimi’s character – Yeah, I know. That’s so weird. And what’s with so many people having alliterated names? It’s like they were all made up by the same guy as some sort of trademark.
J. Jonah Jameson – What? That’s crazy. Now get the hell out of my office.
Aunt May’s Kitchen:
Peter – Since we just visited Uncle Ben’s grave, I think this is a good time to tell you that I’m responsible for his death. [[relates backstory from movie 1; gets weepy]]
May – *blink* *blink blink* [[gets weepy]] I’m going upstairs, now… I’ll talk to you later…
Peter – Screw this Spider-man thing. It’s brought me nothing but trouble and my powers have been giving out anyway. [[gets weepy]] Sorry, Uncle Ben, but I’m not going to use my great power anymore. [[throws the costume in the trash]] Time to turn over a new leaf and get MJ to be my girl.
Curt Connors – Wow, Peter, I’m amazed. You’re coming to class, you’re doing your homework, and you’re wearing glasses. Good job.
MJ – Pete, you didn’t tell me you were coming to see my play.
Peter – I wanted to surprise you. And let you know I’m turning over a new leaf so that I’ll always be here when you need me, hint hint.
MJ – Haven’t you been paying attention? I’m engaged! And you’ve been yanking me around for months now.
Peter – Please?
MJ – Oh, alright. I’ll think about it. -mutters- ‘I’ll think about it?’ What the hell is wrong with me?
Aunt May’s house:
May – I forgive you. Oh, you wouldn’t know what happened to Spider-man? We could really use him what with that madman on the loose.
Peter – Er…
The Daily Bugle:
Ted “yep, here’s my cameo” Raimi’s character – Hey, JJJ, someone found Spider-man’s costume in a trash can. I think he gave up being a hero.
J. Jonah Jameson – Ha! Yes, I’ve crushed his spirit!
Robbie Robertson – You are a sick, sick man.
Ted “yep, here’s my cameo” Raimi’s character – Yeah, and crime’s really on the rise since Spider-man quit what with that madman running around.
J. Jonah Jameson – Oh. Well, that could be a problem. No, wait, the paper will sell better. Yes!
Random Burning Building:
[[Peter saves a kid]]
Peter – I guess I don’t need to be Spider-man to be a hero after all.
Firefighter – Yeah, man, too bad some poor soul got torched on the fourth floor.
Peter – Aw, dammit! And I could have saved him if I were still Spider-man. [[sulks]] Well, hell. I could have MJ, but no, I must use my great power. Woe, woe, I have to be Spider-man. Now what are the odds I can somehow get my costume back?
Harry – *obsessing* Damn Spider-man! How dare he quit being a superhero before I have a chance to kill him! And I’m not obsessing!
[[Ock accosts Harry]]
Ock – Ok, kid, here’s the deal. I’ve just about everything I need to rebuild my machine thanks to Spider-man’s convenient absence. The last thing I need is the nuclear material I know your company has access to.
Harry – Wait, wait. Here, I’ll give you the stuff if you’ll bring me Spider-man.
Ock – Alright, sounds fair, except that he’s missing.
Harry – Ask my best friend Peter Parker. But don’t hurt him.
Ock – I’m totally criminally insane. No problem.
MJ – Hey, Pete, since you’ve been so receptive lately, and since for some stupid reason I’m in love with you, and even though I’m engaged to a perfectly nice guy, why don’t you and I try to make something of this relationship?
Peter – Gee, MJ, you’re not going to believe this, but I found out I can’t really be with you after all. Heh. Sorry about that. [[gets weepy]]
MJ – [[gets weepy]] I swear, Peter, this is the last time I’m going to throw myself at you.
[[Ock throws a car through window; Peter saves them both; Ock grabs MJ]]
Ock – Deliver Spider-man to me or I kill the girl.
MJ – Dammit! Why does this always happen to me?
[[Ock pulls a brick wall down on Peter]]
Peter – Dammit! Why does this always happen to me?
The Daily Bugle:
J. Jonah Jameson – I’ve done a terrible thing, crushing Spider-man’s spirit and displaying his costume like some twisted trophy on my wall.
[[the group is distracted by a noise, allowing Peter to steal his costume back]]
J. Jonah Jameson – That criminal! That thief! Front page, ‘Spider-man steals from Daily Bugle.’
Robbie Robertson – Does it ever bother you that you have no soul?
[[After trashing a clock tower, Peter and Doc Ock land soundly on a subway train]]
Spider-man – Ok, Doc Ock, you’re starting to get me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.
Ock – That’s the wrong comic tagline, kid.
Spider-man – Whoops. My bad. Let’s just wail on each other on one of the most dangerous fight platforms ever.
Ock – Fine by me. Of course, once you start to win, I’m going to endanger the lives of all these people.
Spider-man – Dammit!
[[Ock endangers the lives of the people by taking out the brake and leaving the subway heading heedlessly down a dead end platform to fall to its demise]]
Spider-man – I can’t see with this stupid mask. [[takes it off]] Oh, dammit… The situation is worse than I thought. I think I’ll get to the front of the train and nearly kill myself to save everyone, making it impossible to fight Doc Ock when he comes back.
Passengers – Go for it!
[[Spider-man destroys a little more property by anchoring the train to buildings with the webbing, and nearly kills himself holding it all together, but saves the train in the nick of time]]
Spider-man – Ooo, boy, I’m going to take a little nap now [[faints]]
Passengers – Don’t worry, we’ve got you. [[passes him mosh pit style down the train]]
Random Man – He’s just a kid.
Random Other Man – Don’t worry, we won’t tell anyone who you are.
Spider-man – Well, given that there are roughly eight million people in this city and you don’t know my name, the odds aren’t very good that you’d ever see me again, but I appreciate the thought.
Random Kids – Somehow your mask didn’t get blown off the top of the train, so we cleaned it for you.
[[he pulls the mask on]]
Ock – Right, now I’m taking Spider-man.
Passengers – Don’t worry, we’ll protect you.
Ock – Yeah, right. Idiots. –tosses them out of the way, knocks out Spider-man, and leaves–
Ock – [[drops Spider-man down on a handy couch]] Here’s the goods, now where can I find the nuclear material?
Harry – Actually, I keep in my wall safe for just such an occasion. Here you go. Don’t do anything bad with it.
Ock – I’m totally criminally insane. No problem. [[leaves]]
Harry – [[grabs a dagger]] First I will take your mask off and then I shall plunge this dagger into your heart. Not that I’m obssessing or anything. [[takes mask off, waking Peter]]
Peter – Uh oh.
Harry – [[stumbles backward, drops knife, and sits down quickly]] Pete? You-you killed my father?
Peter – Listen, Harry, I’d really love to explain the situation to you but I promised I wouldn’t tell you and anyway MJ’s been kidnapped and Doc Ock’s going to blow up the city so please tell me where he’s gone.
Harry – You’re-you’re Spider-man?
Peter – Harry, dammit, stop obsessing. Where is Ock? He’s got MJ! He’s going to blow up the city. Come on, Harry, priorities here.
Harry – I don’t know. I dunno. You’re Spider-man?
Peter – Jeez, Harry, I really want to help you out here before you go crazy, but I really really need to save MJ and the city, so just sit tight and stay sane for a while, ok? Right, I’ll be right back.
MJ – Hello, can I go home now? Famous actress here.
Ock – There’s no reason to let you go. I’m going to blow up the city anyway. [[starts experiment]]
Spider-man – No, wait, don’t do that… Dammit!
[[thus commences the final showdown between Spider-man and Doc Ock as the experiment goes out of control]]
Peter – [[rips off his mask]] Doc? Doc, it’s me, Peter. Come on, Doc, don’t listen to the evil arms. You’re going to blow up the city.
Otto – Unnhh? The slacker? I’m going to blow up the city? Oh, dear, I guess I am. I guess this is why it’s a bad idea to listen to the voices in my head. Alright, here, you go save the girl and I will stop the experiment.
Peter – Can do.
MJ – So you’re Spider-man. Somehow, I’m not surprised.
[[Peter saves MJ, Otto drowns the sun? What?]]
Peter – [[gets weepy]] See, MJ, this is why I can’t be with you. You’ll get hurt because of me, like an unsettling theme. And you don’t even know the reasons behind the Green Goblin kidnapping you.
MJ – [[gets weepy]] And here I thought you were just a wishy-washy jerk. But you have a point here. Well, I guess I’ll go marry the astronaut.
Harry – *obsessing* Peter killed my dad? How can I handle that?
Shade of Norman Osborn – I suggest you go crazy. Look how well it worked for me.
Harry – No! You’re dead! [[throws knife at mirror, which shatters and reveals a secret passage which leads to the Green Goblin’s lair]] Hey, I think I just stumbled onto the plot for the next movie.
Peter – Woe, woe is me. And I feel like I forgot something really important, like I was supposed to talk to someone and keep them from going crazy. Oh, woe, yet something else I have failed to do. Woe. Woe.
MJ – Alright, Pete. I know all the risks, but for some stupid, unexplanable reason, I just really have a thing for insecure geeks and I’m in love with you. I just stood up my fiance at the altar of my own wedding to throw myself at you, so if you don’t take me up on the offer, I swear to God, I’m kicking you in the junk and ditching you for a real man.
Peter – [[gets weepy]] Ok, I get the hint.
MJ – [[gets weepy]] About damn time.
Peter – I don’t deserve you.
MJ – Not in the least. Now kiss me.
[[they kiss; then hear sirens]]
Peter – Um, I have to go. Great power and great responsibility and all that.
MJ – Yes, go. This won’t become a point of contention until the sequel.
Peter – Keen. [[dashes off]]
MJ – What the hell is wrong with me?
If you’re wonder what’s up with the Sony reboot, I have a link for that too.