This is based on the extended DVD edition, so it may be a slightly longer read than fifteen minutes.
or, “Evil corrupts, no, really corrupts”
Galadriel – I will explain. No, that will take too long. I will sum up. An evil guy named Sauron tried to destroy the world a heck of a long time ago by bribing everyone with magic rings. To be fair, they were really pretty. Anyway, once we got out of ferret shock, we realized Sauron had kept the best ring for himself, the jerk. So we had to stomp him. We even teamed up with those little humans and some upstart human named Isildur managed to stop Sauron by cutting the ring off his hand. Ok, so we missed the obvious solution. Anyway, my pal Elrond tried to get Isildur to destroy the ring because we were still miffed that Sauron kept the best of the lot, and turned into an artifact of pure evil besides, but that idiot Isildur kept the ring, got himself killed and lost the most powerful evil artifact in the entire world. Moron. Years passed, and boy was it boring… but I digress. This little creature called Gollum found the evil ring and managed to hang onto it a lot longer than that stupid Isildur, until he lost it to a hobbit named Bilbo Baggins. Alright, everyone caught up now? Good.
Frodo – Yo, Gandalf, where’ve you been? Bilbo wants me to help with this birthday party of his and Sam keeps asking me to the tavern.
Gandalf – I’ve not been up to anything since that incident with the dragon which I will not go into even though it explains a few things the audience might want to know about.
Merry – Let’s be cute little scamps and make some trouble by messing in the affairs of wizards and scaring the living daylights out of all those fat, old hobbits who are sure to have heart problems.
Pippin – You know I have no common sense. Let’s do it.
Bilbo – You know why I adopted you, Frodo? Because the rest of my relatives are schmucks.
Frodo – Gee, thanks…
Bilbo – [[stands up for his speech]] It’s my party, and I’d just like to say, screw you guys, I’m going away now. [[he disappears and returns to the house]]
Gandalf – Bilbo, leave your ring here.
Bilbo – Why? It’s not like it’s an artifact of pure evil that’s slowly been corrupting me for the past sixty odd years.
Gandalf – Why no, that can’t possibly be an artifact of pure evil that’s been slowly corrupting you for the past sixty odd years. You said Frodo could have it.
Bilbo – He’s a schmuck. I don’t wanna.
Gandalf – Listen, I’ll stomp your short, furry little head flat into the ground, and I say that as your dear friend of many years.
Bilbo – You know what? I see your point. Here, I’ll drop it on the floor and walk out the door. Water the plants and forward the mail, would you? [[he walks away]]
Gandalf – [[touches the ring]] D’oh! I knew I should have listened to the prologue.
Gandalf – Hide the ring. I’m going to go listen to the prologue. I’ll come back and tell you what I know later. Don’t worry about a thing. Nothing is wrong. Everything is fine. We’re all fine here. [[Gandalf leaves]]
Frodo – Did I miss something?
[[seventeen years passes (at least in the book), not that anyone needs to know that]]
Gandalf – Look, I’m doing research!
[[Frodo finds his house open; Gandalf emerges from the darkness]]
Frodo – Gahhh!! Dude, if Sam had been with me, you’d have been so dead.
Gandalf – Remember that ring I told you to hide even though there was absolutely nothing wrong with it, no, nothing out of the ordinary? Well, my bad. Turns out this is the biggest artifact of ultimate evil in the world. And you’ve got to get rid of it.
Frodo – Hey, who’s the big scary, powerful wizard here? Why do I have to take it?
Gandalf – Union rules. I don’t do deliveries.
Frodo – Humph. You’re not that scary anyway.
Gandalf – I’ll meet you at the Prancing Pony. Oh, and take Sam with you. He’s been stalking outside your window again.
Sam – Was not!
The Shire; Farmer Maggot’s field:
Sam – So, Mr. Frodo, it’s just you and me and this great big wide cornfield where no one can see…
Frodo – What are you talking about?
Merry and Pippin – Incoming!!
[[the hobbits run and take a tumble down a cliff]]
Frodo – I feel a disturbance in the force. We’d better hide.
[[the hobbits hide; a nazgul walks up next to them]]
Frodo – Gahh! Creepy evil thing obviously looking for the ring… pretty… shiny… so smooth… *drool*
Sam – Mr. Frodo, you’re having way too much fun with that.
[[nazgul fails for oldest trick in the book and leaves them be; they continue on until dark]]
Merry – What the heck is going on, Frodo?
Frodo – It’s been hours since you joined up with us and now you ask? Honestly. How dense are you?
Merry – Just for that, I’m going to make sure you’re the last one to board the ferry even though the creepy guy was clearly looking for you.
Saruman – I’m going to make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Gandalf – I refuse.
Saruman – Alright, I think I’ll beat you up and imprison you in my tower rather than killing you outright and making sure you can’t possibly interfere with my plans at a later date.
Gandalf – Sounds fair.
Frodo – So where’s Gandalf?
Butterbur – No idea. How’s about a drink?
Pippin – Yes, let’s, as I have no common sense and am bound to say something stupid that will get us all in trouble.
Frodo – Ring… so pretty… so shiny… getting sleepy… *drool*
Sam – Will you knock it off with that thing? That guy in the corner has been staring at you. (mutters under his breath) Only I can do that.
Pippin – Yeah, that’s Frodo Baggins over there, One Bag Shot Row, Bag End, Hobbiton, in the Shire, possessor of the One Ring of Power. He likes long moonlight walks on the beach…
Frodo – [[he runs to stop Pippin, trips and ring falls on his finger]] Whoa, the wind machine sure is on ‘high’ here in the scary ring world. And what’s with the color scheme? Gah!! Big scary eye! Bad place, bad place! [[he reappears]]
Frodo – Man, I am so not into this cross-species kinkyness.
[[the other hobbits burst in]]
Sam – I’ll kill you if you try anything with Mr. Frodo!
Strider – It’s not like that! You didn’t listen to the prologue. Those creepy guys want the ring and will kill you to get it.
Sam – Those creepy guys? You’re not exactly Mr. Shining Knight here.
Strider – Doesn’t matter. You have no idea who I am, or what I want, but I’m going to lead you into the vast, trackless wilderness to god only knows where.
Frodo – Right, I’m up for that.
Pippin – Hey, I thought I was the with no common sense.
[[later that evening, the ringwraiths stab pillows instead of hobbits]]
Nazgul – Dammit! We need to petition Sauron again for eyeballs. This is ridiculous.
Saruman – Muhahahaha!! With my Uruk-hai breeding program, I’ll soon have an invincible army! And I’ll chop down this ancient and powerful forest to do so!! And Gandalf will never escape! No way will these words ever come back to haunt me!!
Strider – Now, don’t do anything stupid like lighting a fire while I’m out scouting around for the incredibly dangerous ringwraiths who are at this minute stalking us. [[he walks away]]
Pippin – How about some bacon?
Merry – You have no common sense, so that must be a good idea. Let’s do it.
Frodo – Idiots! You know I don’t like bacon!
[[the ringwraiths attack]]
Sam – I’ll save you Mr. Frodo! [[he doesn’t]]
Frodo – Thank you, Sam, that was so inspiring I will now run and trip over my own huge feet. Wait, I know, I’ll hide in the ring world from the ringwraiths. They’ll never find me there. [[he slips on ring]]
Pippin – And you thought I had no common sense.
Frodo – D’oh! Now they can force me to give them the ring. Screw you guys, I’m leaving! [[the nazgul stabs him; he slips the ring off]] You stabbed me! You stabbed me in the arm! That really hurts!
Nazgul – How could you miss!? He was right there!
Strider – I’ll save you, Frodo! [[He does and the nazgul run away]]
Sam – Humph. I could have saved him. *pouts*
Arwen – Hey, look, I’ve got a sword.
Strider – Great, you can take Frodo to Rivendell, since you are obviously better qualified than I am to fight off those ringwraiths.
Arwen – Yay! I get a big role! Grrrlll power!
Gandalf – About bloody time you woke up.
Frodo – Where the hell where you?
Gandalf – Pardon me while I experience a flashback then fail to answer your question.
Sam – Mr. Frodo! You’re awake! I’ve been with you day and night, hoping you’d wake up and I could look into those baby blue eyes just one more time…
Frodo – What on middle-earth are you talking about?
Gandalf – Um, why don’t you two discuss that later. Right now, Frodo needs to go to a secret meeting which you and the other hobbits are in no way invited to.
Aragorn – I am so angsty right now. What if I screw up? Am I doomed to repeat the failure of my ancestor? Woe, woe is me.
Arwen – Here, I’ll speak to you in my special breathy-elf voice and you’ll feel all better.
The Council of Elrond:
Elrond – Ok, here’s the deal. The ring can’t stay here because frankly I have nothing to wear it with and that Sauron’s just such a jerk he’d rip my home apart to take it back.
Boromir – Ooohhh… pretty… shiny… *drool* I know, let’s take it to my dad and let him use it. It would go great with his scepter.
Strider – No, you idiot. Didn’t you listen to the prologue either? Look, you can’t keep it because it’s just that evil and you’ll end up all made of ash and dust like Sauron.
Boromir – *Phhbt* What do you know?
Legolas – Hey, that’s Aragorn, your king, stupid. Even I know that.
Boromir – I repeat: *phhbt*
Elrond – Sorry, it’s got to be destroyed. My council, my rules. So there.
Gimli – Right! As a stereotypical representative of the dwarves, I’ll smash it with my axe.
[[it doesn’t work]]
Elrond – Right, now that that’s out of your system, you’ve got to take it back to Sauron’s place and drop it in Mount Doom. Now argue amongst yourselves about who gets stuck with this unpleasant task. Not me!
Council – Not me! No, I said it first. No, I did. You’re an idiot! You’re stupid! You’re short! You’re wimpy!
Frodo – Look, I’ll take the damn thing just so you all shut up.
Gandalf – Alright, then I’ll go with you.
Boromir – I’ll come too.
Elrond – Despite the fact you’ve already made it clear you’ve been taken in by the vague yet broad powers of evil of the ring, I’ll let you go with them.
Aragorn – Right, I’d better go and keep an eye on this guy.
Legolas – I’m pretty. I’ll go too.
Gimli – I’m sure as hell not letting an elf get all the glory. Move over, ya pansy.
Sam – Gahh!! I’m not leaving you alone with all those strange men, Mr. Frodo.
Merry & Pippin – A quest to destroy an artifact of evil in a land of ash and orcs and danger! Sounds like fun! Count us in.
Elrond – Who the hell let you in? Whatever. Just get out of here, the lot of you.
Boromir – Stop for directions, I said. Go the Gap of Rohan, I said. But nooo….
Legolas – Look, I can walk on snow. Aren’t I the best ever?
[[the wizards fight]]
Aragorn – Uh, Gandalf, not to get between your, *ahem*, staff-waving contest with Saruman, but I think we’ve got four hobbit-sickles here.
Gandalf – Oh, right. They’re short. Ok, what do you want to do Frodo? Door #1 – go to the Gap of Rohan. Door #2 – continue along the mountain. Door #3 – go through Moria.
Gimli – Ooo, ooo, pick 3!
Boromir – No, pick 1! Door #1!
Frodo – Oh, gee, I… I don’t know… I mean… Oh, gosh… Oh, Door #3.
Gandalf – Who password protects their door with ‘password?’ Honestly.
Gimli – You’ll love this place. My cousin knows this guy who got a real deal on interior decorating…
Legolas – Shut up, you stupid dwarf. Look, everyone’s dead.
Gimli – What? D’oh!
Gandalf – I warned you, but no, you didn’t listen… [[they get lost]] Well, hell. Too bad everyone’s dead or I’d ask for directions. By the way, Frodo, Gollum’s been stalking you.
Gollum – Wasss not!
Sam – If you try anything, I’ll kill you!
Frodo – What is he going on about?
Gandalf – Never mind. This way.
[[they reach the tomb]]
Gandalf – According to the journal of this long-dead dwarf, as long as we don’t make any loud noises, the orcs should ignore us.
Pippin – [[he knocks the dwarf skeleton down the well]] What? I thought it was a wishing well.
[[they fight and Glamdring does not glow blue]]
Pippin – Yay, we won! Nothing else bad could possibly happen!
Balrog – Shows what you know!
Aragorn – Why haven’t we tossed him down a mineshaft?
Gandalf – He’s just too cute. You guys run for it, and I will bravely take care of the Balrog.
Balrog – Dude, if I’m going down, you’re coming with me.
Gandalf – Sounds fair. [[plummets to his doom]]
Haldir – Stupid dwarves.
Gimli – Oh yeah? Well your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
Haldir – Whatever. Let’s go see Galadriel and that guy… what’s his name… oh, her husband… I just had it… well, she’s the more important one.
Galadriel – Allow me to demonstrate how scary I am by reading your minds and speaking to you telepathically.
Gimli – Damn. For an elf, you are hot.
Galadriel – Yeah, I get four hundred and nineteen channels in this bowl of water.
Frodo – Your reception is fuzzy. There’s this big, huge fiery eye on all the stations. So, I’m offering the ring to the scariest people I know. Are you scary enough?
Galadriel – Ooooo! Ooooo! I’m scary!!! Look how the color changes!!!
Frodo – Wow, you’ve convinced me I was right to offer you the ring.
Galadriel – Eh, I don’t really want it anyway. Mine is prettier. Oooh, pretty… *drool*
Saruman – Go, my invincible army of Uruk-hai! Find me the hobbits! And don’t spoil them!
Uruk-hai Captain – Pervy hobbit fancier.
The ride down the river:
Gimli – Well, I first thought you elves were bunch of pansies, but after meeting Galadriel, I think you guys are just fine. She is one hot elf babe.
Legolas – Ok, despite the vague creepiness, I guess that’s a good enough reason to be friends with you. And I can make dwarf jokes now.
Gimli – And I won’t take your head off for them.
Boromir – I want to go to Gondor. I want to take the ring with me. You suck.
Aragorn – Whine, whine, whine. I’m the leader and I say we go to Mordor. So there.
Legolas – I think Boromir might try to take the ring from Frodo.
Aragorn – No, that’s silly… see Frodo is gone… and so is Boromir… Dammit.
Legolas – Told you.
Boromir – Hey, Frodo. I’m in no way going to attempt to steal the ring from you, so let’s talk.
Frodo – Liar, liar, pants on fire. Later. [[he disappears]] Gahh!! Now I’m being stalked by a big giant eyeball! [[he reappears]]
Aragorn – Frodo, where are you? Here boy. Here halfing, halfing, halfing…
Frodo – You’re not scary enough for the ring, so I’m leaving.
Aragorn – I don’t want your ring anyway. Neh. So how are you going to get away from Sam?
Frodo – What I need is a clever diversion.
[[the Uruk-hai attack]]
Frodo – That will do.
Merry & Pippin – We shall bravely sacrifice ourselves so that you can get away.
Frodo – Thanks, guys, I owe you.
Boromir – D’oh, killed by Uruk-hai defending the little guys.
Merry & Pippin – D’oh! We’ve been captured. Maybe this was a bad idea.
Sam – Wait for me, Mr. Frodo!!
Frodo – I’m beginning to think maybe you are stalking me.
Sam – Oh, no, of course not. I’m just… you know… taking care of you and all.
Frodo – Um… right, let’s just get to Mordor. And remember to ask directions. [[they float across the river and head off into the wilderness]]
Gimli – Alright! We have kicked some serious orc ass! What next?
Aragorn – I’m sure Frodo and Sam will be alright travelling through the wastes of Mordor without having a map, or directions, or a guide, or any fighting skills. So let’s go save Merry and Pippin. They’re just too cute to leave with the Uruk-hai.
Legolas – Hey, I’m the cutiest!
Gimli – Pervy hobbit fancier.
Aragorn – Let us run purposefully into the woods and into the sequel!
Legolas & Gimli – Yeah!
-fade to black-