or, “What’s Going On Again? Because this Doesn’t Make Any Sense”
or, “Terrible Movie, Still a Good Soundtrack”
[[sky darkens and a menacing figure appears without so much as a flashback or any scrolling text to provide some kind of context as to what is going on; get used to this because that’s the whole damn movie]]
Shao Kahn – I’ll conquer your world!
Liu Kang – Um, Kitana, do Sonya, Raiden, and Johnny look different to you?
Kitana – Yeah. This worries me. [[the sky starts raining ninjas]] But this looks like a bigger problem right now. [[they fight; Kitana sees a young woman in a purple ninja outfit]] Mother? Well, no time to explain my cryptic remark now.
Kahn – Ok, clearly this destruction of the temple isn’t going well. Better take care of this myself.
Raiden – Hey, you are so cheating! [[fights Kahn]]
Sonya – And I will get in the middle of this fight for no particular reason except to stupidly be taken hostage.
Kahn – [[takes her hostage]] I’m totally going to kill her!
Johnny – I’ll save her! [[lunges at Khan which causes him to drop Sonya but then kill Johnny]]
Liu – A main character dead before the credits role? I am starting to think we have made a very big mistake.
Kitana – What, fighting Kahn?
Liu – No, signing up for this movie.
Kahn – Ninjas, sic ’em!
[[they all run from the ninjas and somehow end up underground]]
Liu – So what’s going on?
Raiden – Kahn is cheating and merging Outworld with the Earth Realm. Sindel is the key to re-sealing the portal.
Liu – … So what’s going on?
Raiden – Yeah, that’s pretty much all the explanation you’re going to get. Oh, and you need to go to the mesa and get some more training so you can take on Khan. But you can’t find the warrior; he’ll find you.
Liu – What you said makes no sense. Anyway, I’m the Mortal Kombat Champion. Isn’t that enough?
Raiden – No. Now you and Kitana are going to find the warrior while Sonya and I go find her partner Jax.
Liu – Why?
Raiden – I would say to get help, but really it’s to cram as many characters from the games into this movie as possible.
[[they take off in cage things that move through tubes in the Earth; no it doesn’t make any sense]]
Sheeva – I hate you.
Montaro – I hate you more.
Kahn – I hate everyone. Why aren’t the Earth warriors dead yet?
Purple Male Ninja (Rain, not named) – I killed Stryker and Kabel.
Kahn – You killed off two main characters from the third game? I’m going to kill you for being incompetent.
Purple Male Ninja (Rain, still not named) – Wait, what?
Kahn – [[kills him]] The rest of you go off and do something useful.
[[they do so]]
Mysterious Robed Person – Is everything going according to plan?
Kahn – Yep, it’s all good.
Kitana – So that woman was Queen Sindel, my mother. But she died thousands of years ago.
Liu – Oh, right, you’re ten thousand years old. And I’m going to live maybe a hundred. Um, that could be a problem.
Kitana – You know, since you won the last tournament, you’re now effectively immortal for the next five hundred years.
Liu – Hey, that’s good to know since I want to date you and all. It’s not ten thousand years, but it’s a start.
Gray Robo-Ninja (Smoke, not named) – Yeah, yeah, lame dialogue time over. Let’s fight! [[engages Liu]]
Kitana – And I guess I’ll take on these totally ordinary ninjas.
[[Kitana does pretty well against the ordinary ninjas but Liu has a hard time with the robo-ninja; suddenly a male ninja in blue with ice powers beats the robo-ninja]]
Liu – Sub-zero? I’m pretty sure I killed you.
Sub-zero – That was my brother. I’m a good ninja. Shao Kahn is after Kitana because she’s the key to sealing the portals between the worlds.
Liu – What? I thought Kitana’s mother was the key. This doesn’t make any sense.
Yellow male ninja (Scorpion, not named) – Enough explanation, back to fighting!
Liu – What explanation?! And you died in the last movie! Do you have a brother too? What is going on?
[[Yellow male ninja (Scorpion, still not named) engages Sub-zero instead of Liu or Kitana; when Sub-zero appears to be winning, he teleports away and grabs Kitana and vanishes]]
Liu – You know, I feel like I should have seen that coming.
Sub-zero – Well, you need to find that Nightwolf character and get a new power before you go to rescue Kitana.
Liu – Wait, what? Never mind. Are you going to help out?
Sub-zero – Um, no, that’s pretty much all the screen time I get, which is too bad because I am literally the coolest character in the games.
Raiden – Ok, I’m not actually going to help you at all. I’m going to talk to the Elder Gods and find out why they haven’t stopped this invasion since it is against the rules. [[leaves]]
Sonya – Well, thanks for leaving me alone in this hellscape. [[enters facility and finds her partner with absolutely no issues]] You got bionic arms?
Jax – Yep. Cool, huh? So what’s going on?
Sonya – We need to save the Earth.
Jax – *blink blink* Please be explaining what that means.
Yellow robo-ninja (Cyrax, not named) – No explanations! Just fighting!
[[he fights Jax while Sonya takes on a bunch of ordinary human ninjas; Sonya beats up her ninjas while Jax fails to beat up the robo-ninja but Sonya manages take it out; then a tattoo on the robo-ninja flies away]]
Jax – Does that ominous beeping mean what I think it means?
Sonya – I don’t know but I think we should run just in case.
[[they run, and yes, the beeping is a self-destruct mechanism]]
Liu – So, where’s this warrior? [[he’s attacked by a wolf that turns into a guy]]
Nightwolf – I’m Nightwolf. That was pretty cool, right?
Liu – Sure, if it’ll help me save the world and my girlfriend.
Nightwolf – You have to pass three tests.
Liu – Which are?
Nightwolf – Do you want explanations or awesome powers?
Liu – If I say explanation, will I actually get one?
Nightwolf – Nope [[tosses a tomahawk at his chest and Liu passes out]]
The Mesa Again (now snowing):
Jade – I’m Jade. [[shoves his face into her breasts]]
Liu – Um, nice to meet you but I have a girl I’m going to date once the world is saved.
Jade – You’ve passed the test. [[she transforms into a green ninja]] Let’s go to Outworld.
Liu – Wait, what? I thought there were three tests.
Jade – Um, no, not anymore.
Liu – Ok, I’m totally convinced you’re not a spy or something.
Temple of the Elder Gods:
Raiden – Why haven’t you punished Kahn for breaking the rules and invading Earth Realm.
Gods – Not our problem.
Raiden – No, I’m pretty sure it is. That’s the point.
Gods – Yeah, well, we have a thing. You can do something useful if you want.
Outside the Research Facility:
Jax – Seriously, what the hell is going on?
Pink female ninja (Mileena, not named) – No explanations! Fight!
Sonya – Kitana?
Pink female ninja – You know, despite the mask, I really don’t look anything like the actress who plays Kitana, but sure, let’s go with that. [[engages Sonya]]
Jax – A cat fight in a mud pit. This works for me.
[[Sonya takes down the pink female ninja and a tattoo flies off her back]]
Temple of the Gods:
Sonya – Wait, we never discussed a meeting point. How did we all know to come here? Where’s Kitana and who’s the green female ninja? And why did Raiden get a wardrobe change?
Jade – Look, no time to talk; here come Kahn’s forces.
[[Sindel screams across the entire canyon, including the party, and the rocks start exploding following the pattern of her scream]]
Liu – Well, open a portal.
Raiden – Yeah, working on it.
Liu – Aren’t you a god?
Raiden – Um, funny you should ask.
[[Raiden manages to get the portal open before the rock explodes although in theory they should have exploded anyway because they did get hit with the scream]]
Liu – So, about that god thing?
Raiden – Um, yeah, I had to give up my powers to help you guys.
Jade – Ok, that is way too much explanation for this movie. Come on, Liu, I’ll show you the secret passage to Kahn’s lair.
Sonya – And we’re doing what again? Apparently nothing.
Kahn’s Throne Room:
Liu – Hey, the secret passage comes up in his throne room? That seems like a bad idea. Hey, Jade, where did you go? I guess it doesn’t matter since I see my girlfriend in a cage. Don’t worry, I’ll save you.
Toothy-faced guy with swords (Baraka, not named) – Lame dialogue time over. Fight!
[[Liu fights the toothy-faced guy with swords, kills him, and frees Kitana; Sheeva runs in just in time to get crushed by the cage but hey, at least she gets a name]]
Liu – I found Kitana but lost Jade.
Sindel – Boo!
[[Sindel blasts Raiden away from the main fight where he is promptly attacked by three green male ninjas who are not named but supposed to be Reptile; Raiden wins and rejoins the others who, it turns out, apparently captured Sindel off-screen and Jade has returned]]
Sonya – Hey, Raiden, you’ve got the same tattoo as that yellow robo-ninja and pink female ninja.
Raiden – Those were temporary tattoos to allow people with them to pass between the worlds. It’s the tattoo of my family. Shao Kahn is my brother so I can’t kill him. Anyway, Kitana should heal Sindel and that should close the portal.
Kitana – I know how to do that? Ok, well, sure, I’ll give it a shot.
Sindel – Hey, that worked.
Kitana – Great!
Sindel – Yeah, just kidding. Loser!
Jade – Yeah, and I’m totally a spy!
Sindel – So I’m going to beat you up and then perform the world’s longest teleport lead-up. [[starts spinning]]
Liu – Soooo, we’re just going to watch Sindel spin here and not pay any attention to the admitted spy who could just kill us off right now?
Jade – Don’t worry about it. Instead of taking advantage of your inattentiveness, I’m going to sneak off. [[she does, and Sindel eventually teleports away]]
Kahn – You failed me by not killing the Earth warriors when you had the chance.
Jade – Actually, that’s totally fair.
Kahn – Seriously. [[kills her]] And I’ll kill anyone else who fails me, including you, Sindel.
Sindel – Jerk.
Kahn – Go do something useful. [[they leave]]
Mysterious Robed Person – I’ll kill anyone else who fails me. [[leaves]]
Outworld, Final Battle:
Kahn – Fight me, brother!
Raiden – Okey dokey [[fights Kahn and ends up getting mortally wounded]] Well, Liu needed an opponent to fight anyway. I couldn’t kill him, but you go right ahead. [[dies]]
Liu – Right, me and Kahn!
Kitana – I’ll kill the undead horror that looks like my mother.
Jax – I’ll fight the freak-o horse thing.
Sonya – And I’ll fight the red male ninja. What was your name again?
Red male ninja (Ermac, not named) – Too much lame dialogue. Fight! [[fight ensues]]
Liu – Hey, I just learned how to activate the new power I was supposed to learn from Nightwolf, or something. [[turns into a bad special-effects dragon]]
Kahn – Yeah, guess what, I can do that too. [[turns into a bad special-effects hydra-thing]]
Jax – So it turns out these extremely expensive bionic arms don’t do me a damn bit of good. [[rips of implants as though they were just cheap props and proceeds to beat down Montaro]]
Red male ninja – It turns out Sonya is tougher than I thought. [[his shadow turns into another full-sized male ninja (Noob Saibot, not named) and they both take on Sonya]]
Sonya – Help!
[[Jax joins her as Kitana wins her match against Sindel; meanwhile, the special-effects are exhausted as are Liu and Kahn, but Liu manages to defeat and kill Kahn]]
Mysterious Robed Person – If you want something done right, you do it yourself [[gets ready to do something nasty]]
Gods – Hold it right there! [[they imprison the Mysterious Robed Person, who is of course an Elder God and Raiden and Kahn’s father]] You’ve broken all the rules and we’re going to punish you.
Liu – You wait until now when the worlds have nearly merged and Raiden is dead?
Gods – We were busy. Anyway, we’ll revive Raiden and make him the new Elder God. [[do so]]
Raiden – Oh, that’s cool.
Gods – And we’ll put everything back the way it was. [[do so]]
Eastern Temple (again):
Liu – So everything’s fixed just like that? Sindel’s no longer an undead horror, I get to date the hot nearly immortal princess, half the characters that appeared in this film are never named, and no one really explains anything?
Kitana – Seems so.
Liu – Well, at least we can be sure there will not be a sequel to this movie.