Fifteen-minute Movie – Flash Gordon

or, “Ah-AH!  Queen Can’t Save this Bad Movie!
or, “Wow, the Porn Parody Just Writes Itself
or, “I Heart Princess Aura”

[[Intro with Queen song and flipping through the old serials; does this mean Marvel stole that from this movie?]]

Mysterious Narrator (later revealed as Ming the Merciless) – Earth.  What a pathetic planet.  I shall destroy it will all my natural disaster buttons that are conveniently labeled in English, which I am also conveniently speaking.

Dark Harbor Airport:
[[Blonde dude gets on a small airplane with a brunette and two pilots]]

Pilot – Hey, you’re on the cover of this People magazine I’m reading which should indicate to the audience you are very famous!  Can you autograph this for me?

Flash Gordon – No problem.  [[does so]]  Hi, Dale.  What’s a nice girl like you doing in a plane like this?

Dale Arden – How did you know my name?

Flash – I asked the clerk at the hotel.  You don’t think that’s creepy and stalkerish, do you?

Dale – I would answer except that the extreme turbulence is making me really sick…

Flash – Oh, don’t worry.  I’m taking flying lessons.  There’s a scientific explanation for this… [[sky grows ominous and red]]  Er…, no, wait this is really bad…

[[A red light and a mysterious face flash across the plane and the pilots disappear, leaving Flash and Dale to take the wheels, as it were…]]

Mysterious Lab:
Lab Lackey – Professor Zarkoff, the world is ending!

Zarkoff – I knew it!  I knew my theories about aliens controlling the weather were correct!  Meteorologists are just part of a vast government conspiracy to hide the truth!  Now we have to get into this rocket I built and fly into space and stop the aliens!

Lab Lackey – That is insane!  You’re an astronomer, not a rocket scientist!

Zarkoff – Me and my gun say you’re going!

Lab Lackey – Me and my feet say we’re not!

Dale – Did you get to the part in flight school about landing?

Flash – No, but it doesn’t matter.  We’re going to crash!

[[they do so, in the mysterious lab, and run right over the lab lackey]]

Zarkoff – Oh, well, he’s dead, I’ll take these two.  In retrospect, maybe I shouldn’t have made a ship that required more than one person to fly.  Anyway, kids, the phone’s in the room shaped like a rocket ship.

Dale – Clearly we bumped our heads pretty hard because that is so stupid there is no other explanation for why we would believe you.  [[they enter the ship]]

Zarkoff – Now we’re going into space!

Flash – You’re crazy!  [[tries to get the gun away from Zarkoff but ends up initiating launch because that totally happens in a rocket]]

Zarkoff – You’re stuck now.  Strap yourselves in and we’re lifting off!

[[the G-forces (or something) cause everyone to pass out and apparently cause Flash and Dale to get all hot and bothered while they unconsciously drift towards a psychedelic vortex and are brought in for a landing by the very aliens attacking the Earth]]

Zarkoff – Wake up!  We’re not dead!

Flash – Those guys in shiny gold samurai armor and skull masks don’t look very friendly.

Zarkoff – No problem.  We’ll just reason with the alien leader.

[[they are taken to the palace of Ming the Merciless and see an alien get incinerated before they even get to the throne room.]]

Dale – I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

Throne Room:
Vultan – Did anyone tell you that this was the costume when you auditioned?

Random Not-Hawkman – Um, no, but at least we’re not covered in glitter and sequins.  This looks like the costumers ransacked a drag queen’s closet!

Vultan – So you’re saying I should be grateful.  Okay, well, here’s the tribute!

Barin, Prince Barin – That’s our tribute!  You stole it!

Vultan – So what?  You stole your costumes from some made for TV “Robin Hood” movie.

Klytus – Shut up and give the Emperor the tribute.

Unfortunate Prince – I don’t have a tribute.  Also, I am black.  Oh dear.  This will not end well for me.

Ming – Nope.  [[kills him]]

Flash – This guy is psycho!

Annoying Drone – Your Majesty, that Earthling said you were psycho!  Which you take as an insult, so it means you understand English idioms.  We’ll go with it.

Ming – Bring them here!

Flash – What?  I’m just stating the truth.

Ming – I like the woman.  I will make her dance seductively with my seduco-ray.

Dale – What?!  [[does so]]

Zarkoff – Their technology is so advanced…  Hey, anyway, when you’re done doing, um, whatever, could you stop attacking our planet?

Ming – Nope.

Flash – Well, I’m going to escape or something!  [[thus starts what could generously be called a fight sequence in which Flash demonstrates his football skills and knocks down a whole bunch of guards but doesn’t get them any closer to escaping when Zarkoff fluffs it and knocks Flash out]]

Ming – Kill him.

Princess Aura – Daddy, don’t kill him. I want him…please…

Ming – Kill him.  Make the woman a consort and brainwash the old dude.

Aura – Daaaddyyy!

Ming – What?

[[And Flash has been stripped down to his leatherette boxer-briefs; and if that’s not actually what he was wearing, then it means someone put him in that…]]

Flash – I want to see Dale before I die.

Klytus – Sure.  It doesn’t matter to me.

Dale – Flash, I think I love you!

Flash – Wow, you are just covered in red glitter and sequins.  I think I love you too, even though we’ve known each other for about four hours and I was too shy/creepy to directly ask your name at the hotel.

[[Flash is executed via gas chamber while Dale and Zarkoff watch; Zarkoff is hauled off to have his mind erased and reprogrammed and Flash is buried in a remarkably nice crypt]]

Aura – Okay, doctor whom I’ve seduced, revive him for me.  [[doctor does so and leaves quickly; Aura wakes Flash up with a sexy sexy kiss; incidentally, why does his coffin have a mirror on the lid?]]

Flash – You saved me?  Why?

Aura – I think you’re cute.  So get dressed and I’ll get you to safety.

Aura – And as a bonus I’ll teach you how to fly one of our shuttles.

Flash – Um, are you teaching me to fly or trying to seduce me?

Aura – Why does there have to be an ‘or?’

Flash – Um, hey, so can I use that telepathy to talk to Dale?

Aura – Well, if you really give me a reason to do so, if you know what I mean.  [[Flash attempts to crash the ship]]  That’s not what I meant, you idiot!

The Palace:
[[Dale is now in some kind of white-sequined glittery thing and has tried to get herself drunk enough to sleep with Ming]]

Flash (thinking [more or less…]) – Dale, it’s Flash.  I’m using telepathy!

Dale – Oh, I hope that’s true or else that stuff was way stronger than I thought.  So you’re alive!  Are you going to rescue me?

Flash – Aura, where am I going?

Aura – I’m taking you to Arborea to hang out with Barin.  Also, I am continuing to try to seduce you.

Flash (thinking) – Okay, I’m going to Arborea and Aura is majorly hot and I totally want to…

Dale – Hey!

Flash (thinking) – Um, love you babe gotta go!

Dale – Well, that’s great!  [[gets a slave girl drunk, switches clothes with her (so now she’s covered in orange sequins and glitter) and escapes before Ming shows up; actually, Dale does pretty well in her escape attempt; granted the guards are stupid but she’s not completely incompetent]]

Zarkoff – Dale, I am in no way a brainwashed secret agent of Ming.  Let me help you escape.

Dale – Sure!  Flash is alive and in Arborea!  Let’s get there!

Klytus – I am glad when main characters supply important plot information.  Zarkoff, stay with her and report back.

Zarkoff – [[escaping with Dale]]  Nope, I’m actually not brainwashed at all.  They didn’t actually take away all my memories because I thought of human classic works like Shakespeare that was powerful enough to prevent the mind control!  Because human stuff is awesome!

Barin – What the hell, Aura?  Harboring him could get me killed.

Aura – Oh, come on, he’s supposed to be dead so what harm can it do to leave him here?  Be nice to him and I’ll be back later…  [[she leaves]]

Flash – Why does anyone trust her?  I mean, seriously?

Barin – I don’t trust her so I’m locking you in a cage and dunking it into the swamp where if you drown that is totally not my fault.

Flash – Hey!  Why don’t you team up with the bird people and just beat Ming?

Barin – Because I hate the bird people too!  Now get in that cage and drown!

[[in the meantime, Dale and Zarkoff have been captured by bird people and taken to their homeworld, which is not a moon (as Aura said) and not really a world, but more a floating city thing]]

Bird City:
Vultan – Hey, great, we’ll ransom you back to Ming for a lot of money!

Zarkoff – Good grief!  Flash is on Arborea.  Just team up with Barin’s merry men and beat Ming!

Vultan – Barin’s a jerk!

Barin – Say hello, Riff!

Fico – You are kind of being an unreasonable jerk.  Anyway, if you’re going to kill that Earthling, do it with some style.

Barin – Good idea!  [[gets Flash out of the cage and makes him stick his hand in a tree stump]]

Flash – Um, what’s the point of this?

Barin – There’s a terrible scorpion thing in here that will kill you if it stings you.  You prove you’re brave by sticking your hand in there.

Flash – That is stupid!

Barin – This is sacred!  Shut up and do it!  And I’ll totally cheat!

Flash – Then I’ll fake you out and escape!  [[does so, more or less; Barin actually has to save him from a plant and then they’re all captured by bird people for some reason]]

Bird City:
Dale – Flash!  You’re alive!

Flash – Let’s get married!

Dale – Yes!

Vultan – Boring!  I want to Barin fight someone to the death!

Barin – Okay, I’ll fight Flash!

Flash/Dale/Zarkoff – What?!

Vultan – Awesome!  Let mortal combat begin!

[[Flash and Barin are made to fight on a tilting, spiky, round platform over an endless vortex while Vultan controls it; eventually Flash saves Barin and they decide to team up and defeat Ming although the bird people aren’t buying it]]

Torture Chamber:
Klytus – Whip it!  Whip it good!

Dominatrix Minion – Yes, sir!

Aura – Klytus, you can’t do this to me!

Klytus – Um, yes I can, and all I need now is for my dominatrix minion to start stripping down, and my life will be complete.

Aura – Damn it, my father will have your head.

Ming – Nope, I’m cool with this.

Aura – Daaaaaddyyy!

Ming – Honey, what part of ‘merciless’ don’t you understand?

Bird City:
Klytus – Okay, people, turn over the prisoners and no one gets hurt.  Okay, that’s not true.  A lot of you will get hurt.  Anyway, do what I say.

Flash – How about we kill you instead?

Klytus – Ha ha ha, Earthling.  That totally won’t happen.

[[between Flash and Barin, it totally does]]

Vultan – Now we’re all doomed!  Run away, run away!  I mean, fly you fools! [[they retreat to Arborea]]

Flash – Wow, okay, I thought this whole team-up thing was going to work better than that.

[[Dale, Zarkoff, and Barin go with Ming in order to not die, leaving Flash on the floating bird city]]

Ming – This is the part where I tell you I’m impressed by you, but I’m not, and try to tempt you to the dark side.

Flash – And of course I’m going to refuse.

Ming – Yeah, I know, but I was contractually obligated to offer.  Anyway, enjoy getting blown up!  [[leaves and starts to blow up the city]]

Flash – Maybe I can find some sort of flying vehicle the bird people left behind, because it makes total sense for people who can fly to build flying vehicles!  [[finds a rocket cycle which looks a lot like a treadmill]]  And I can even pilot this thing thanks to my Earth flying lessons and my lessons with Aura!  Vultan, I’m not dead, so let’s team up and fight Ming!

Vultan – This time I’ll take you up on that offer.

[[And Dale is in a two-toned silky glittery thing when Aura is abruptly tossed in]]

Dale – You!!  You tried to seduce Flash and are responsible for everything!  Cat fight!  [[they roll around in pillows while the slave women and audience watch eagerly]]

Aura – Wait, wait, I’m a prisoner too!  And I saved Flash!  I just figured out what kind of man my father is!

Dale – What, really?  You saw him stab a dude through the stomach and you just now figured out he’s a terrible person?

Aura – You know, family.

Mongo, Outside:
Flash – So the plan is for me to lure a heavily armed ship into the clouds so you guys armed with light artillery can somehow take over the ship and we can fly it past the force field into the palace.  In no way is this going to result in a bunch of pointless casualities!

Vultan – Rock on!

[[this results in numerous pointless casualities but they commandeer the ship as Flash reminds us that Earth will be destroyed if they don’t get Ming to call off his attack; however, the force field is still up and Dominatrix Minion, displaying easily the most intelligence of any minion ever, deduces the ship has been commandeered because it is not flying in the standard flight pattern and orders the guards to shoot it]]

Zarkoff – So, this is going well…

[[Aura bursts in and saves them both]]

Barin – You’re a traitor!

Aura – Yeah, to my father, who’s a terrible person, and I just saved your life so you could show a little gratitude.

Barin – How about we get married?

Aura – Okay.

Zarkoff – Great, wonderful, now we should turn off that shield so the reinforcements can save us and the Earth.

Barin – Whatever.  I’m doing my own thing.

Aura – And I have to be at the wedding.

[[incidentally, Barin manages kill Dominatrix Minion, shut down the reactors and drop the force field while Flash drives the ship in a suicide run]]

Special Events Room:
[[And now Dale’s wedding dress is black and sparkly and Ming is wearing satiny pink; customs are definitely different here on Mongo]]

Officiant – We are gathered here because Ming will kill us if we don’t gather here.  Ming, do you take this woman to be your Empress until such time as she bores you, irritates you, or otherwise outlives her usefulness to you and you atomize her?

Ming – I do.

Dale – What!?!?

Officiant – And Dale Arden, you will take this man to be your husband and once we can jam this ring on your finger, you’re married.  Yay!

[[The giant space ship crashes right into the giant window, causing all sorts of chaos as everyone scatters to avoid getting run over; Ming, however, doesn’t zig or zag and is impaled by the spiky bit on the front]]

Ming – Hm, in retrospect I should have all giant windows in the palace made with transparent armor instead of glass.

Flash – Stop attacking Earth or I’ll kill you!

Ming – No!  [[disappears into his ring and the countdown for Earth hits zero]]

Flash – Did we win?  Did I save the Earth?  The song says I save everyone of us, but it’s really ambiguous right now.

Zarkoff – Let’s assume yes since we’re talking about going back to Earth.

Barin – Well, since there’s an officiant here and Mongo needs a new Emperor, Aura, what’s say you and I get this over with?  [[they do]]  Alright, everyone, Mongo is awesome now thanks to these clever, er, lucky, very lucky Earthlings!

Dale – Why am I in yet another glittery costume?

Flash – Who cares?  Let’s kiss and end this thing! [[they do]]

[[but a mysterious hand takes Ming’s ring; dum dum dum!!!!]]

-Ah-AH!  fade-out-


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S. J. Drew is an aspiring writer who finally entered the blogosphere to shamelessly promote that writing (as evidenced by the title of the blog). Whether or not this works remains to be seen, but S. J. hopes you are at least entertained. And if you're actually reading this, that's probably a good sign.

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