(also, spoiler alert)
(also, spoiler alert)
“God willing we’ll all meet again in Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money.”
Hollywood is going into franchise overload. I’m not surprised. “Avengers: Endgame” has apparently made all the money and as of this writing hasn’t technically been released to general audiences yet. But this trend is so aggressive that I am beginning to understand the frustration people who don’t like superhero movies experience when all the upcoming movies appear to be nothing but superhero movies. And yet while studios try to ride the lightning that is the success of the MCU, they are still completely missing the foundation of that success; to wit, make movies people want to see and then plan out some sequels.
1) Tony Stark is the most irresponsible person in the entire MCU and is self-aware enough to know if his comrades found out he recruited an underage teen and gave him a weaponized murder-suit, they would kick his smug armored ass so hard Howard Stark would feel it.
2) Peter Parker is terrible at hiding his secret identity.
3) Adrian Toomes is more threatening without the Vulture suit than with the Vulture suit.
4) The Vulture actually can use the Z-axis to his advantage in a fight.
5) Happy Hogan is terrible at security.
6) Tony Stark isn’t much better at security.
7) Spider-man needs a lot more practice at this.
8) For all the flak critics gave Sam Raimi for a “campy” Spider-man, a Spider-man movie works much better as mostly comedy/action and some drama than a humorless action drama.
9) Other British MCU actors should take accent lessons from Tom Holland.
10) With great power may come great responsibility, but it still doesn’t grant great social skills.
As promised, this isn’t a parody of a song but a poem, one which almost no one seems to remember the actual title to. Anyway, it turns out this wasn’t easier but I hope it brings you a bit of enjoyment today.
It turns out trying to write holiday parody songs is a lot harder than I thought. Maybe I should try to write holiday poetry instead.
“Twelve Days of Christmas”
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Twelve merry mutants
Eleven crazy crossovers
Ten rings of power
Nine realms of Asgard
Eight demigods fightin’
Seven spiders spinnin’
Six sinister villains
Five cosmic gems!
Fourth walls busted
Three movie phases
Too many spider clones
And a cameo from Stan Lee!
Thor on Vacation
I know that the upcoming “Thor 3” is somehow a buddy road trip featuring Thor, Loki, and the Hulk in a quest to figure out where Odin has disappeared to. My questions 1) how does this team-up happen and 2) with Freya so ignominiously fridged, who’s running Asgard? But I came across this trailer (yeah, yeah, I’m behind the times) that isn’t canon but explains why Thor and Hulk weren’t in “Captain America 3: Avengers 2.5.” I guess this is the end of Bruce and Tony’s science-based bromance.
My only objection is that this movie seems to be taking elements from Miles Morales’ origin story, and I’d really rather just see Miles on the big screen in that’s the case. But otherwise, the actor seems perfect, Tony Stark is a jackass, the Vulture and Shocker look like legitimate threats instead of just guys in doofy costumes, and the trailer explains why Peter is so reckless – he’s a teenager out to prove himself, and that is very dangerous indeed. I just hope Iron Man doesn’t take up too much screen time. And if this movie skips over the death of Uncle Ben, I will be very pleased indeed.
Guardians of the Galaxy: Vol. 2
Guardians of the Galaxy is one of my favorite movies for many, many reasons. I probably won’t write a parody summary of it, though, because it’s meant to be funny as is. Parodies are more fun with serious movies. However, if I did, it would be alternately titled, “Peter Quill’s New Groove” because of how important the soundtrack is. Music is almost a character. That, and much other awesomeness, mean the sequel has a lot to live up to. The first trailer really didn’t catch my attention. It appears Drax is trying to learn how not to be socially inept (and mostly failing) and that’s really all that stuck with me. The second trailer is much, much better. Notably the music is much more prominent. It’s also full of little callbacks to the first which give me hope the film makers understand why the first was so successful. And of course, baby Groot. Yes, yes, I know Disney is going to merchandise the hell out of that, and I will be right there to throw in my hard-earned cash. I hope, “I want some tape to cover the death-button” ends up on a t-shirt.
That second trailer is going to be my go-to happy place to get me through the rest of the year. “I am Groooooooot!”
No spoilers, at least no worse than anything you’ve already seen in the trailers.
1) This should have been titled “Avengers 2.5: Civil War.”
2) Tony Stark really, really needs to seek professional psychological help for his issues.
3) Ant-man gets no respect.
4) The answer to Black Widow’s question to Tony Stark is, “No, no he can’t.”
5) The villain problem is circumvented by pretty much eliminating the need for a villain in the first place.
6) While an admirable effort to fit in, the Vision really should not try to wear normal clothes. It just looks weird.
7) The ordinary citizens of the MCU are really ungrateful.
8) Marvel Studios gets Spider-man.
9) The credit teaser in Ant-man is actually a scene lifted from this movie.
10) If you are an ex-secret agent, for goodness sake don’t take any of the incriminating documentation with you when you retire/defect. Especially if you defect.
I liked the movie quite a lot. It’s pretty good and one of the best of the MCU movies especially for having to feature so many characters. For those who don’t want to watch all the movies, the only necessary precursor is really Captain America: Winter Soldier. This movie helpfully provides a recap of the Avengers‘ past adventures (which leads into point number 7 above). Also, just know that pretty much everything that’s happened is Tony Stark’s fault. Heck, I may turn that into its own musing.