Fifteen-minute Movie: Amazing Spider-man

I originally wasn’t going to post this one for awhile.  Honestly, I try not to post my summaries until I’m sure everyone who reads my blog (thanks readers; you’re awesome!) has already seen the movie if they are going to.  That’s why you haven’t seen The Avengers posted yet (although if you haven’t seen it, go see it!  Now!  It’s awesome!).  I’m trying to save you spoilers.  Then I came to this realization about this movie – there are no spoilers.  You’ve seen this movie.  I’m not assuming you’ve even seen Raimi’s set of movies or are even familiar with the comic books.  This is such a generic “everyman in over his head” action movie you’ve already seen it. There is no spin to this, pardon the pun, that is in any way surprising or frankly interesting.  I may also have gotten some things out of order because the movie was so unmemorable.  So, with that, on with the snark!

“Amazing Spider-man” or, “Emo Skater Kid with Superpowers”

Parker Household:
Young Peter – Hey, Dad, it looks like someone broke into the house, which is a really unsettling way of ending our game of hide and seek.

Richard – Well, there’s only one thing to do now…

Ben Parker Household:
Richard – …Drop you off with your aunt and uncle and hope no notices this plot thread dropped like a hot potato.

High School, about ten years later:
Nameless official – Hey, you, emo skater kid.  Stop skating in the halls.  And stop being so emo.

Peter – Whatever.

Random Girl – Hey, Peter, I’m going to establish with a few lines of dialogue you are the reverse Bella Swan.

Peter – What?

Random Girl – Bella Swan had no personality beyond “clumsy” but everyone loved her for no reason at all except the script said so.  You’re an emo skater kid, and you look like Andrew Garfield, but you’re a total outcast because the script says so.

Peter – Oh, well, I am going to get bullied by Flash Thompson, right?  That proves I’m an outcast!

[[Flash is outside beating up on a true 98-lb weakling; Peter interferes and gets knocked to the ground]]

Peter – See, I’m totally an outcast and a loser, just like the Peter Parker you know and love!

Flash – Dude, you’re not even a nerd.  And actually, this makes you look kind of noble and me look like a total douche-bag instead of making you look like a loser.

Peter – Then how come only Gwen’s going to chew you out?

Flash – Dunno.  It’s in the script?

Gwen – Flash, you stop beating up that kid right now!  Go inside and do your homework!

Flash – Are you sure you’re in high school and not some thirty-something?

Gwen – I am totally not outlandishly mature for my age!  Peter, are you alright?

Peter – Totally.

Gwen – Well, good, I have to go do some stuff now which is not awkwardly flirt with you.

Parker Household:
[[Peter and Uncle Ben are cleaning up some stuff and exchanging small talk in a manly fashion when Peter comes across his father’s old briefcase]]

Uncle Ben – What’s that doing here?

Peter – I’m going to look through it in case there’s a plot-advancing device hidden in the pockets. [[does so, and for the first time, dons a pair of glasses because nothing says that a main character is smart like wearing a pair of glasses]]  Hey, I wonder what this mystery chemical formula means.  And who’s this guy in the picture with Dad?  Curt Conners.  And it says they worked as Oscorp.  So I’ll just go to Oscorp tomorrow and talk to this Dr. Conners person.  That should be easy enough.

Peter – Maybe I should have come up with a plan or something.  I’m never going to get past security.

Receptionist – Take your badge.

Peter – What?

Receptionist – You’re some high-school kid who looks confused.  Obviously you’re an intern.  Take your badge and join the group.

Peter – These badges don’t have pictures.  You don’t want to see my ID to verify I actually belong here?

Receptionist – Why would I want to do that?

Peter – No reason, I guess. [[joins tour group which happens to be led by Gwen Stacy who despite the professional atmosphere is wearing knee socks under her lab coat]]

Gwen – Did you sneak in just to see me?

Peter – I’m sure there’s no good way to answer this.  Are you going to turn me in?

Gwen – Not as long as you don’t do anything that will get me in trouble.

Peter – Like sneak away from the tour group and try to find this Conners person? [[sneaks away and randomly follows some guy who looks like he knows where he’s going; random guy enters a highly secured area, leaves, and Peter goes in to take a look]]  Boy, it’s really handy that this high-tech corporation that gives everyone badges doesn’t utilize that for security purposes like pretty much every other institution, public or private, in the country that has personnel badges.  Also, it’s handy that this unlocking this door to a highly sensitive area is no more difficult that unlocking an iPhone.  And isn’t it great there are absolutely no cameras anywhere? [[gets in the room and is bit by a spider; and then gets out of the lab and building with no ill consequences whatsoever]]

Oscorp, later:
Raj – So, Dr. Conners, where’s that cure for cancer you promised Mr. Osborn?

Conners – It’s not ready yet.  Do you know how long it takes to test these things?

Raj – Yeah, don’t know, don’t care; just speed it up, okay, one-arm?

Conners – If only I had that formula Richard Parker used to make the spiders!

Conners’ House:
Conners – Oh, Richard Parker’s son.  I thought you’d come find me someday.

Peter – So, what can you tell me about this formula?

Conners – Wow, it’s the very thing I’ve been looking for.

Peter – And what can you tell me about my parents’ disappearance and subsequent mysterious death?

Conners – Um…  Hey, would you like a job at the lab working on the same project your dad was?

Peter – Sure!

[[Later, Peter gets in trouble at school, which brings down the wrath of Uncle Ben]]

Ben – Peter, you know you can’t behave like this.

Peter – Whatever.

Ben – Hey, that’s the pretty blonde girl you have on your computer.  Hi!

Peter – Oh, dear god I want to crawl into a hole and die.

Ben – Anyway, I have to work the late shift now so you make sure you pick up your Aunt May tonight and get some milk, okay?

Peter – Sure just please stop embarrassing me in front of Gwen.

Gwen – I think it’s kind of cute.  We should go out sometime.

Peter – Really?  Awesome!

[[predictably, Peter forgets to pick up Aunt May and upon arriving home again incurs the wrath of Uncle Ben]]

Ben – Darn it, Peter, you know better!

Peter – Whatever.

Ben – Ditch the angst and take responsibility for yourself!

Peter – You’re not my father!  I hate you! [[storms out of the house]]

Ben – Well, rats.  Teenagers.  Better go find him. [[follows Peter out]]

Convenience store:
Clerk – I’m going to be a jerkass to you for no good reason.

Peter – That’s pretty much the story of my life.

Robber – And now I’m going to be a jerkass to you for a very good reason; give me the money.

Clerk – So, kid, are you going to do something about that?

Peter – Um, in the two minutes we conversed, have I done anything to demonstrate any particular skill, aptitude, past history, or superhuman ability that would lead you in any rational manner to assume there is something I can do to apprehend an armed and dangerous criminal?  I mean, you were a jerkass to me and all, but aside from that, that dude is armed and I am clearly not.  Seriously, do I look like a cop, soldier, or superhero?

Clerk – Yeah, by all accounts it doesn’t make any sense to expect you to do anything.  Will anyone be foolish enough to stop that robber?

Ben – I’ll do it! [[attacks robber and sadly, predictably, and frankly kind of stupidly gets shot and dies in front of Peter]]

Peter – Time to crank that angst up to eleven.  And become a superhero.  Or something.

[[Later, Peter steals some of the super-spider webbing to create his own webshooters instead of inventing the whole thing himself; again, no one in security or any other office at Oscorp notice a damn thing; I mean, what the hell?  It’s like Peter walked out of Stark Industries with the arc reactor in his pocket]]

Peter – I guess I’d probably better start going out with Gwen too.

Gwen – About time.  You should come meet my father.

Peter – Oh, that is sure to go well since I’ve started this secret life of superhero-ness.

Conners – Darn it!  I can’t wait to find out what happens to that adorable mouse we injected with this serum!  I must inject myself.  I’m sure this will go well. [[injects self with serum; it does not go well and results in a fight with Spider-man in which Conners gets away]]

Spider-man – Huh, lizard dude.  Weird.

Raj – And I clearly need to go on a vacation or something.

The Mean Streets:
Spider-man – Hey, you stop right there!

Car thief – I have a knife.

Spider-man – Oooo, you’ve found my superhero weakness – little knives.

Car thief – What?  Are you trying to be funny or something?

Spider-man – Um, yeah.  You know, witty banter and all that.

Car thief – What, like you’re Spider-man or something?

Spider-man – Um, I am.

Car thief – You’re not Spider-man.  You’re not funny at all.

Spider-man – Well, I’m really more Ultimate Spider-man than Amazing Spider-man, despite the title.

Car thief – No, despite the Darkier and Edgier tone, even Ultimate Spider-man had way more one-liners than you.

Spider-man – Just shut up!  I’m totally Spider-man!  I am!  Even the cops hate me!

Car thief – Whatever.

Parker Household:
May – Peter, why are you coming in all beaten up?

Peter – You know, stuff.

Stacy Household:
Gwen – Peter!  How did you bypass the elevator to get up 26 stories to my room?

Peter – You know, stuff.

Gwen – Wow, that’s not stalkerish at all!  Nor is that colossally ill-advised since this is the first time you’re going to meet my father, who happens to be a captain on the police force!  Also, you’re bleeding!

Peter – Um.

Gwen – Wow, you’re totally Spider-man!  That’s even better.

Captain Stacy – So, how did you get in my daughter’s room again?

Peter – I climbed the fire escape.

Captain Stacy – How is this supposed to make me like you again?

Peter – Um.

Captain Stacy – And that’s what I thought.

Peter – Dr. Conners!  Where are you?  Something alarming has happened involving a lizard thing!  [[sees the adorable mutated mouse]]  Oh, don’t tell me he did something stupid and injected himself with the experimental serum?  Of course.  But he would need this equipment.  So if he’s not here, where would a giant crazy lizard man go?

Conners – Now to work on my diabolical plan to turn the world into lizard people.  Which does not sound like the plot of X-men in any way!

[[The Lizard starts his murderous rampage through the city]]

Peter – Captain Stacy!  The lizard thing is actually Curt Conners!  He’s going to use the equipment in the lab at Oscorp to turn the city into lizards!

Captain – Stop wasting my time and go home.

Peter (phone call) – Gwen!  Get out of the lab before you’re attacked.

*glass smashes*

Gwen – Um…what’s your back-up plan?

Peter – Get the cure to the lizard mutation and get it to the cops so I can plug into the machine at the top of the building.

[[Gwen manages to follow those instructions]]

Gwen – Dad!  Dad!  I have to get this to Spider-man!  It’ll stop the Lizard!

Captain Stacy – No, you get in the car.  I’ll take care of this.

Spider-man – Dr. Conners!  Stop!  Turn this thing off!

[[Thus starts a fight in which Spider-man gets generally beat down until Captain Stacy shoots the Lizard and knocks him away]]

Captain Stacy – Here, Gwen said you’d need this.

Spider-man – So, I can explain…

Captain Stacy – Defeat monster first, then explain.

[[The beat down resumes with Captain Stacy taking a fatal wound while Spider-man manages to shove the cure into the machine before everyone turns into Lizard monsters although he is thrown nearly off the building]]

Conners – What have I done?  [[catches Peter before he falls to his death]] I’m really sorry, Peter.

Peter – Yeah, no problem. Could we switch arms here since that one is disappearing? [[he gets saved]] Captain Stacy, I’m so sorry.

Captain Stacy – If you keep up this, you’re going to make a lot of enemies who want to kill you.  Promise me you’ll stay away from my daughter so she doesn’t end up killed by one of your enemies.

Peter – Um, sure, since you’re dying and all.

Captain Stacy – Yeah, that’s sincere. [[dies]]

Parker Household:
Gwen – Peter, you didn’t even go to the funeral.  You jerk!

Peter – Um, I’m sorry.  You have to go.

Gwen – Oh, he made you promise to stay away from me.

Peter – Um, well, he was dying and all.

Peter – But then again you are totally hot, so I’m going to totally ignore my promise to your dead father.

Gwen – That’s cool.  It’s totally hot dating a superhero and stuff.

Secret Ending:
Mysterious Figure – Mr. Osborn wants the serum.  Where is it?

Conners – Who are you supposed to be?

Mysterious Figure – I’m the villain for the sequel, duh.

Conners – Yes, I know that, but I can’t figure out who you’re supposed to be.  You don’t look like anyone, you’re totally cloaked in shadows, and I think maybe you’re Mysterio, or something?

Mysterious Figure – You got me. Frankly, this whole scene doesn’t make a lot of sense.

–fade out–

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S. J. Drew is an aspiring writer who finally entered the blogosphere to shamelessly promote that writing (as evidenced by the title of the blog). Whether or not this works remains to be seen, but S. J. hopes you are at least entertained. And if you're actually reading this, that's probably a good sign.

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