or, “Boy Meets Droid”
Scrolling Exposition – So the evil Empire is trying to wipe out the good rebellion. They’ve just built this ridiculously powerful weapon to do it but the Rebellion has stolen the plans and is trying to get away with them. I’m sure that will work out just fine for all parties.
[[Princess Leia’s ship is shot at muchly by the enormous star destroyer]]
C-3PO – I’m going to die! Where is R2-D2? [[sees R2 and the Princess, who finishes up the download and runs off]] There you are. Let’s go someplace safe.
R2-D2 – Beep blorp <-<I’m on a mission from God>-> [[heads to escape pod]]
C-3PO – That doesn’t make any sense but going with you seems better than staying here.
Star Destroyer:
Soldier 1 – Yet another escape pod. Why do they think they can escape with all these guns firing at them?
Soldier 2 – Hold your fire. That pod has no life-signs.
Soldier 1 – So? What’s wrong with shooting it, just in case our sensors are misreading it? Or shooting it just because I can? It’s not like this giant ship is going to run out of power if I shoot one extra escape pod. It just doesn’t make any sense to let it go.
Soldier 2 – Whoops, look, it’s out of range. Oh well, too bad, I’m sure that’s not a problem in any way.
[[the diplomatic ship is captured and pulled into the star destroyed; the rebels are beaten by the storm troopers and soon Darth Vader comes on board]]
Vader – You can tell by the ominous music and my awesome voice I’m a total bad-ass villain. Where are the plans? [[kills rebel]] Wow, these things are flimsy.
Storm trooper – We got the princess but the plans aren’t on-board.
Princess Leia – This is a diplomatic mission…
Vader – Wow, you’re really trying that after your troops shot at us?
Leia – You shot first!
Vader – Whatever. You’re a rebel traitor. Imprison her and get the mind-probe droid ready.
Storm trooper – An escape pod inexplicably was not shot during the fire fight. Perhaps the plans are on-board.
Vader – You’d better take a look and when I get my hands on whoever let that escape pod go…
Tatooine:
C-3PO – Oh, this is great. We’re stuck on a desert planet with no one around for miles and miles. Where are you going, R2?
R2-D2 – Beep blorp beep <-<I’m on a mission from God.>->
C-3PO – You’re going to get us killed!
R2-D2 – Blorp blorp blooorp <-<I know you’re programmed to interact with humans, and humans are neurotic, but why were you programmed to be neurotic? It’s really irritating>->
C-3PO – Shut it, you!
[[the droids are eventually captured by Jawa traders]]
Moisture Farm:
Luke – This place sucks. There’s nothing to do and no where to go and nothing exciting ever happens ever.
Owen – Come on, we’ll go buy some new droids. That’s exciting, right?
[[They purchase R2-D2 and C-3PO]]
Owen – Hm, this C-3PO unit looks kind of familiar; it reminds me of one my family had when I was much younger that was stolen by my step-brother, but surely this is not the same droid. Now, clean them up.
Luke – Cleaning up droids is the opposite of exciting. [[finds a hidden holographic message in R2]]
Princess Leia Hologram – Help me, Obi-wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.
Luke – Wow, something exciting. I know a Ben Kenobi, actually. He’s a weird old man who lives out in the desert.
C-3PO – Well, we don’t know anyone by either name so I’m not sure what R2 is going on about. Yes, yes, mission from God. Honestly.
Luke – Uncle Owen, I think the droid’s got a bad memory.
Owen – Then take it to town and get its memory wiped.
C-3PO – Er, you’re not going to believe this, but R2’s run away.
Luke – We’d better go get him before I’m grounded!
Tatooine (elsewhere):
Storm trooper – Sir, the plans literally walked away.
Storm trooper 2 – Well, they’re just droids. Let’s go find them.
Death Star:
Grand Moff Tarkin – So how’s the interrogation going?
Vader – Not very fast. She’s really a lot spunkier than I expected. We’ll eventually get her to tell us where the rebels are hiding, but it’s going to take some time.
Hapless Officer – Who cares? With this giant battle station, we’ll find the rebels eventually.
Vader – Eh, it’s okay, but nothing compared to the awesomeness of the Force.
Hapless Officer – Dude, no one believes in that religious supernatural nonsense anymore.
Vader – [[he puts the Sith choke-hold on him]] You think so? How’s that working out for you?
Hapless Officer – *hurk* Can’t…breathe…
Tarkin – Vader, you’ve proven your point. Let him go.
Vader – You never let me have any fun. [[lets go]]
Tarkin – Anyway, I’ve got an idea to get the princess to talk sooner.
Tatooine (Canyon):
[[The retrieval of R2-D2 is cut short when Luke is nearly killed by sand people, but is saved by a venerable old man]]
Old Man – What are you doing out here?
Luke – Looking for Obi-wan Kenobi. He’s not a relative of yours, is he?
Kenobi – No, he’s me, but I haven’t gone by that name in a long time.
Luke – This droid thinks it belongs to you and has a message for you.
Kenobi – Weird. It does look kind of familiar, but these are pretty common droids so I’m not going to assume I’ve actually run into this particular one before. We’ll let’s go inside and check it out. By the way, I knew your father, Anakin Skywalker.
Luke – No way!
Kenobi – Yes way. He was a Jedi knight and we fought together in the Clone Wars. I even kept his lightsaber.
Luke – Sweet! What happened to my father? Uncle Owen wouldn’t tell me.
Kenobi – He was betrayed and killed by Darth Vader, a former student of mine.
Luke – Dude, that sucks.
Kenobi – You have no idea.
[[R2-D2 plays back the full message from Princess Leia]]
Kenobi – Well, it seems we’ll need to get to Alderaan quick. Do you want to come and learn to be Jedi?
Luke – Do I ever! But I can’t. I’ll take you as far as Anchorhead.
Kenobi – That’ll do for now.
Luke – Man, this is turning out to be the best day ever!
[[on the way back the gang encounters the torched remains of Jawa traders; naturally they investigate]]
Luke – This is the biggest raid by the sand people I’ve ever seen.
Kenobi – I’m pretty sure these were storm troopers, actually. They were looking for something. Perhaps a pair of droids carrying the plans to the Imperial battle station…
Luke – Oh #@$&! [[races home only to find his aunt and uncle are dead and the farm has been burned to the ground]] Worst day ever.
Kenobi – I’m sorry. But now I can teach you to be a Jedi if you want.
Luke – Sure, since I’ve lost the only family I’ve ever known. Teach me to be a Jedi like my father!
Kenobi – Er, well, I’ll teach you to be a Jedi anyway. Like your father, maybe not so much.
A Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy (i.e., Mos Isley):
Luke – Uh-uh, storm troopers! We’re going to get caught!
Kenobi – Calm down, kid. I am a Jedi. Watch this. [[does the Jedi mind trick on the storm troopers who let them go]] See, no problem.
Mos Isley Cantina:
Kenobi – Try not to get yourself killed while I try to find us a pilot.
[[Luke nearly fails in this simple task and Obi-wan has to save him by literally disarming a random hostile alien; however, you know the cantina is pretty hardcore because after the initial assault everyone just goes back to whatever they’re doing like nothing happened]]
Kenobi – I’ve got us a ship and pilot. Now let’s get out of here.
Han Solo – This is a good day to get an easy job that is sure to go smoothly and cause no major disruptions to my lifestyle as a totally awesome scoundrel.
Greebo – <-<Jabba’s been asking for his money. I’m taking you to Jabba, or I’ll take the money if you’ve got it.>->
Han – How about I kill you?
Greedo – <-<What, you would actually shoot me first without provocation?>->
Han – You do have a blaster pointed at me and have just threatened me. I call that provocation. Anyway, I don’t play by the rules. [[kills Greebo]] I think this just proves how hardcore bad-ass I am. I hope no one nerfs this during the special edition releases.
Hangar Bay:
Luke – Dude, your ship is a piece of junk!
Han – Well then get your own damn ship, kid.
Storm troopers – Get them!
[[everyone races to the Millennium Falcon and it launches safely]]
Han – Damn it, I wish “no questions asked” hadn’t been part of the agreement because that little incident raises a lot of questions.
[[while in transit to Alderaan, Obi-wan gives Luke lessons on using the Force]]
Han – Great. And they’re part of some weird cult.
Obi-wan – The Force refers to the life force in all things. It’s a very mystical spiritual thing that will let you see the future, see faraway places, use minor telekinesis, and duel with a lightsaber.
Luke – That’s totally awesome!
Death Star:
Tarkin – So, princess, where’s the rebel base?
Leia – Go to hell, and I mean that in the most diplomatic way.
Tarkin – Ok, how about this? Tell me where the rebel base is or I blow up your planet with my Death Star!
Leia – What?! There are three billion innocent people there! Are you out of your mind?
Tarkin – I’ve got my finger on the button.
Leia – Good grief don’t blow up my planet! The rebel base is on Dantuin, okay?
Tarkin – See, Vader, that was easy. Ok, blow up the planet.
Leia – But I just gave you the information you needed. Why would you do this?
Tarkin – I’m evil that way. [[blows up Alderaan]]
Millennium Falcon:
Kenobi – Oh, wow, something really really bad just happened. That’s like the worst thing I’ve ever felt.
Han – Bad news, people! Your planet is missing and we’re getting pummeled with debris!
Luke – How can a planet be missing?
Han – You got me. And now there’s an imperial fighter. I need to go blow it up before it reports our position.
Luke – I don’t think that’s a good idea.
Han – Hey, who’s the pilot here? I’ll catch it before it gets to that moon.
Kenobi – That’s not a moon. That’s a battle station!
Han – #@%&! And we’re caught in the tractor beam! Worst day ever!
[[The Millennium Falcon is brought on board]]
Death Star Command Deck:
Imperial Officer – Grand Moff Tarkin, the princess lied. There’s no base where she said.
Vader – And who’s surprised?
Tarkin – That’s it! Kill her!
Vader – But then we lose our only known lead to the rebel base.
Tarkin – Don’t get logical with me! I’m in the middle of a fit of rage!
Death Star Hangar Bay:
[[the storm troopers investigate but find no passengers on board, as everyone was hiding in Han’s smuggling compartments]]
Vader – This ship is a piece of junk! But I feel something familiar… [[abruptly walks away]]
Chewy – Rraaaaaangngnng! <-<We are never not asking questions again!>->
Han – Agreed!
Kenobi – I’m going to turn off the controls for the tractor beam so we can escape. Plug R2-D2 into the computer system so you can open up the hanger doors. [[They take out the scanning crew, steal storm trooper uniforms, and take over the nearby control room]]
R2 – Beep blorp blorp <-<Please note how awesome I am hacking into this computer>-> Beep beep.
C-3PO – Ah, here are the directions to the tractor beam controls.
Kenobi – You stay here and try not to get killed. [[goes off alone]]
C-3PO – Oh, dear. R2 says Princess Leia is scheduled to be executed this afternoon.
Luke – We have to go rescue her!
Han – I’m not going anywhere, kid. We’re in a lot of trouble and I’m not making it worse.
Luke – Look, the planet that was going to pay you just got blown up so if you want any money at all from this little adventure you’d better help me rescue that princess.
Han – I see your point.
[[They take Chewbacca down to the prison level to try the old fake prisoner trick; which mostly works]]
Han – Find her quick because the guards are going to be down here quicker!
Luke – “I’m Luke Skywalker. I’m here to rescue you!”
Leia – Ok, should I know you or something?
Luke – Um, I’m here with Ben Kenobi.
Leia – I know who that is. Let’s get the hell out of here.
[[Their escape is cut off by guards, forcing Leia to blast a hole in a vent to try to get them out of the line of fire]]
Leia – Move it or lose it! [[dives in]]
Luke – Wait for me! [[dives in]]
Han – That is both totally annoying and totally hot! [[dives in]] The garbage chute? Is this your plan?
Leia – It’s a lot better than yours! You got in and didn’t plan on how to get out?
Han – We weren’t supposed to have guards on our tail!
Leia – At least now we’re not getting shot!
Luke – Excuse me, but something’s alive in here!
Tractor Beam Central:
[[Obi-wan easily distracts the guards to turn off the tractor beams but Vader shows up as he’s leaving]]
Vader – S’up, K?
Kenobi – I’m guessing you want to settle our score?
Vader – Got in one, old man.
Kenobi – If you kill me I’ll become more powerful than you can imagine.
Vader – As long as you’re dead, that works for me. Bring it! [[thus commences the lightsaber duel]]
Garbage chute:
[[Luke is nearly drowned by some snake thing which is scared off by the starting of the compaction cycle]]
Han – And this day is just going from bad to worse.
Luke – Wait, I’ve got this comm thing I totally forgot about! 3PO, get R2 to shut down the garbage mashers!
C-3PO – As soon as the guards have passed by and I remember I also have this comm thing.
[[R2 shuts down the mashers before they die and opens the door]]
Leia – Worst rescue ever.
Han – You’re welcome!
[[the gang sneak back into the hangar bay]]
Han – What we need now is a convenient distraction to allow us to get back to the ship.
[[Vader and Obi-wan’s duel gets into the line of sight of the guards who immediately run to help their commander]]
Han – Wow, that is convenient. Let’s go.
[[they sneak to the ship until Luke realizes what’s going on]]
Luke – Ben!
Kenobi – I’m not sure why what I’m about to do is going to inspire faith and hope in young Luke, but here goes. [[allows Vader to kill him, only the body seems to disappear]]
Vader – Yesss!
Luke – Nooooo!!!
Han – Damn it, kid, I’m taking off without you!
[[the ship escapes and what follows is a space battle as Luke and Han destroy the pursuing TIE fighters]]
Leia – They let us go and are probably following us.
Han – That’s totally paranoid.
Leia – And true. But we’ll get these plans to the rebellion and they’ll take out that thing.
Han – Sure, you just keep believing that.
Leia – Back off! I just watched my entire planet get blown up and everyone I know and love get killed!
Han – Whoa, sorry, you have a point.
Rebel Base:
General – Here’s the plan. We’re going to attack the Death Star with squads of small ships that fly down this armed corridor to shoot this itty bitty tiny port that will destroy the whole damn thing before it blows us up. If you don’t fly down the corridor, you’ll never be able to find and aim for the port. Good luck.
Luke – Yay, a chance to save the day.
Han – I’m getting the hell out of here while the getting is good.
Luke – Jerk. I thought you were better than that.
Han – Um, why?
Chewy – Annnrggng! <-<You are being kind of jerk>->
Han – No one asked you, furball!
Epic Space Battle:
Imperial Officer -Um, sir, why don’t we blow up the moon and then we don’t have to wait until we’re in range?
Tarkin – We’re just not because of drama or something, ok? Anyway, what are they going to do to us while we wait for the moon to move?
Imperial Officer – Um, sir, we think the rebels might be able to blow up the Death Star if they’re lucky and get a really good shot. We should evacuate.
Tarkin – What, why? I didn’t get to the rank of Grand Moff by retreating every time I was faced with a one in a million chance of failure. We’ll be fine.
Vader – But just in case I’m taking a squad of fighters out to deal with this.
[[The odds are against the rebels as squad after squad is destroyed; eventually, only Luke’s squad is left to make that attack run and soon the other two members are killed by Darth Vader; even R2 gets shot]]
Vader – Look, I’m a bad-ass pilot! Nothing can save you now, Skywalker.
Han – Except for me, because I’m totally awesome! [[shoots Vader, who spins wildly out of control somewhere in space]] Go for it, kid!
Luke – Alright, I’ll just use this fancy targeting computer to lock on to the port…
Voice of Kenobi – Use the Force.
Luke – Did anyone else hear that? No? Okay, well, as I said, I’ll use this state of the art computer…
Voice of Kenobi – Aren’t you listening? I said use the Force!
Luke – Alright, I’ll just listen to the voice in my head of my dead teacher and put away the advanced targeting computer to rely on my feelings.
Rebel Base:
Rebel officer – Did he just shut off his targeting computer? Why would someone do that? We have those in ships for a reason!
Rebel officer 2 – The Death Star is in range. If he doesn’t make the shot, we’re so dead.
Epic Space Battle:
Luke – Right, using the Force. Using the Force to fire…now! [[sends off two shots which of course are on target and blow that space station to hell]] Booyah! I saved the day! I saved the day!
Han – I totally helped!
New (Prettier) Rebel Base:
Leia – For your help in blowing up the Death Star and saving the rebellion, plus your ill-thought out but ultimately effective rescuing of me, I present you with these medals and the opportunity to look down my cleavage.
Luke – That’s wrong. I wouldn’t do that.
Han – You don’t know what you’re missing, kid.
Leia – Now everyone stand purposely and look towards the sequel.
–fade out–
A Writer's Hail Mary Pass 