NYC streets (a school bus filled with high school kids):
Peter (narrating) – You want to know about my life? Why? I am a total loser. I can’t express how big a loser I am. See that redhead there? The gorgeous one? Yeah. I’ve been in love with her since she moved next door and she doesn’t know I exist. I’m not sitting next to her. I’m not even the fat kid with BO. I’m the kid running alongside the bus yelling to get in. Yep, that’s how much of a loser I am. Even the bus driver is tormenting me for no good reason. I also happen to be brilliant, which only makes it worse in public high school. You know what, let’s just focus on the girl…
Harry – You do have a best friend, you know.
Peter – Oh, yeah. You’re the son of wealthy industrialist Norman Osborn and you look like a young James Dean. You’re like, totally cool. How the heck did you end up my best friend?
Harry – I’m resentful at my father for trying to turn me into him even though I’m not as smart and not nearly as creepy, so I failed out of every private school and ended up here, where I’m choosing to be an outcast because it ticks my dad off and I still need help to pass science class, which is where you come in.
Norman – I also like Peter better than you because he’s so much smarter.
Harry – Yeah. That. Thanks Dad.
Peter – Well, at least I have a best friend, who will never betray me.
Harry – Right, and you’ll never betray me. Hey, is that Mary Jane, the girl you’ve had a crush on since you were old enough to like girls?
Peter – Yeah.
[[Harry walks over to MJ and starts smooth-talking her.]]
Peter – Hey, what about that whole never-betray-me thing? Harry? Aw, darn it. It’s just me and my camera again.
MJ – Hey, lab lady, one of your genetically engineered super-spiders is missing.
Lab lady – Oh. I’m sure there’s no cause to panic in any way. I’m sure someone is studying it and there are absolutely no protocols I need to put into place to contain a breach of the specimans as one might expect in a real lab. Everything will be just fine. Yep, just fine.
Spider – That’s what you think, lady. [[bites Peter]]
Peter – Ow! I wonder if I should tell anyone about that. Eh, I can’t prove it was the genetically engineered super spider. I’m sure it’ll be just fine.
The Parker Household:
Uncle Ben – With great power comes great responsibility.
Aunt May – I don’t see how that’s relevant, what with you just getting laid off with no prospects of a new job. At least our nephew Pete can be counted on. He’s such a good boy.
Peter – I feel awful; I’m going to just lie down here for a while… [[goes upstairs and passes out shirtless for some reason]]
[[Norman and a hapless scientist lead some brass through the company’s DoD projects]]
Norman – So I’ve developed this body armor suit, this VTOL hover glider, and I’m working on super-soldier serum… sorry, super-human formula that gives test subjects super-strength and super-agility. Pretty keen, huh?
Top brass – RivalCorp has got a totally sweet exoskeleton suit we’re going to see. That Power Ranger suit sucks. So unless your super-human formula kicks ass, we’re dropping your contract. Savvy?
Norman – It’s just about ready.
Top brass – Hapless scientist, spare me the sales pitch and the science-speak.
Hapless scientist – It drives the test subjects crazy and kills them. We need to start over.
Top brass – That’s what I thought. Sucks to be you, Norman.
Norman – Sucks to be you, hapless scientist. You’re going to help me test this formula out on a human subject tonight.
Hapless scientist – That is so against my ethical code as a scientist. And besides, who would be crazy enough to subject themselves to this?
Norman – First of all, I sign your paychecks so you do what I tell you, got that?
Hapless scientist – That’s a good point.
Norman – Second, I’ll be the test subject. I’ll do anything to save my company, even if it is completely bonkers!
Hapless scientist – Could you just sign my paycheck before we do this?
[[The experiment goes on and goes, well, right? Wrong? The formula does exactly the hapless scientist says; Norman gets super-strong and agile but does go crazy and kills the scientist. Not exactly a ringing success.]]
The Parker Household:
Peter – Wow, I feel… better. Seriously better and whoa, I’m totally built? I don’t even need glasses! I mean, I’m no Flash Thompson but damn I am ripped. I seem to have increased agility too. Wow. Go genetically engineered spider bite. But I still missed the school bus! [[chases the bus]] Hm, I seem to be keeping up better but why did the banner stick to my hand like that?
Peter – Oh, no, MJ is slipping [[catches her and her entire lunch]] Um, hi, MJ.
MJ – Peter? Nice catch. It’s like you have super reflexes.
Peter – Hur hur, girl…
MJ – Right, moving on.
Peter – And why is my fork sticking to my hand? What is going on here? Whoa, what is that weird patch on my hand? [[snags his own lunch tray with webbing and ends up flinging it at Flash Thompson, the local bully/jock, who takes that as well as bully/jocks generally do]]
Flash – Hey, nerdlinger, that wasn’t funny and now I’m going to pound you into the lockers.
Gawking crowd – Cool, go for it.
MJ and Harry – Don’t go for it!
Peter – Flash, I know we’ve had great times in the past when you kicked my ass because I’m a nerd and you’re a bully, but this is really, really a bad time.
[[Flash tries to punch Peter, whose reflexes are now clearly super-awesome and he takes down Flash with one punch]]
Peter – Man, that was totally cool…hey, MJ, Harry, what? What? Oh, man. I bet I’m in trouble.
[[Later Peter explores his new powers with all the restraint and good judgment expected of an eighteen year old kid]]
Peter – Woohoo!!!
The Parker Household:
[[Pete takes out the trash after being on the receiving of a sternly word note of disappointment from his uncle.]]
MJ – This scene is to establish that I have an abusive father and thus am doomed to make a bad series of relationship choices with men, and in no way foreshadow my almost-relationship with Peter.
Peter – This scene establishes that while I just discovered I have superpowers, I still can’t talk to a girl, who has both acknowledged my existence and in fact seems to kind of like me for an inexplicable reason.
MJ – Totally inexplicable. I mean, you’re not a total geek, and you’re nice, which is different from all the men in my life, but really, I could do better. Anyway, off to be a trophy girlfriend to that jerk Flash.
Peter – Let’s see. I have superpowers. The girl I love is not totally repulsed by my very existence as I assumed, because, let’s face it, everyone else seems to be. So, what can I do that will totally impress her? Get an awesome car of course! And I’ll earn the money by joining the seedy underworld of off-track wrestling, which I am sure to excel at with my superpowers.
Uncle Ben – Pete, with great power comes great responsibility.
Peter – I fail to see how that’s relevant right now.
Uncle Ben – Trust me, these words will haunt you for the rest of your life.
Peter – Yeah, yeah, look, I’ve got a thing to do, okay?
[[Pete wins the match but the owner cheats him out of his winnings, so he plays the part of bystander when a robber takes the money instead]]
Peter – There’s karmic retribution for you, jerk.
[[Peter pushes aside all the cops to find Uncle Ben dying from a gunshot wound]]
Uncle Ben – With great power comes great responsibility.
Peter – This still doesn’t seem relevant.
Uncle Ben – Sorry, that’s what I got. Remember these words. They will haunt you forever. [[dies]]
Peter – *crying* I’ll avenge you, Uncle Ben!
[[Peter chases the robber down only to find the man who held up the wrestling ring]]
Peter – What the hell? Karmic retribution? Because I let this guy go? Sure, I have superpowers, but I’m pretty sure I can still get shot. I had logical reasons for not engaging, even if that’s not why I didn’t. One mistake and my beloved uncle is dead and now I have to carry this guilt with me like a dead albatross for the rest of my life and be deprived of any chance for real happiness knowing my uncle’s blood is on my hands? And people wonder why I get so damn whiny. Well, at least I don’t have some sort of crazed lunatic with superpowers trying to ruin my life. Time to embark on a masked vigilante crime-fighting career to try to work off my guilt. As Uncle Ben said, “With great power comes great responsibility.” Wow, that’s suddenly relevant.
Top brass – So, let’s see this exo-skeleton that is sure to be so much better than Oscorp’s Power Ranger get-up.
Green Goblin – Power Ranger get-up? Wait until you get a load of this! [[proceeds to destroy RivalCorp and Top Brass and the entire testing facility]] Well, I’m sure you’d be more impressed if you weren’t all dead now. Eh, them’s the breaks.
Harry – Hey, Dad, you passed out in your office again with no memory of the previous night.
Secretary – Sir, sir! The Top brass and members of RivalCorp have been killed! And their new technology was destroyed!
Norman – Uh, well that’s just weird, isn’t it?
Peter – I need a job.
J. Jonah Jameson – You say that like I should care.
Peter – I have photos of Spider-man.
JJJ – Here’s your money, bring me more photos, get the hell out of my office while I proceed to devise ways to crush Spider-man’s reputation before it even gets off the ground. Man I love my job.
Peter – Man I hate my boss. At least I have some money. Ooo, I’ll go find MJ and buy her dinner!
MJ – Please don’t tell Harry I’m a waitress.
Peter – Why would he care? Unless you guys were dating or something. But he’d totally tell me, his best friend, whom he’s sharing an apartment with, if he was dating my long-time crush, right, right?
MJ – Um, yes? Anyway, I’m going to get accosted by muggers in the pouring rain.
[[Spider-man saves her]]
Spider-man – Do you know you’re totally soaked through, leaving nearly nothing to my already active imagination?
MJ – That was the point of the rain. I should thank you. [[kisses him]]
Spider-man – Woot! Harry betrayed me by dating my long time crush and didn’t tell me, but she kissed me! Woohoo!
Board of Directors – Well, Norman, with the untimely destruction at RivalCorp, stocks are up for us, so hey, who says you can’t profit from tragedy. So we’re going to merge and make billions.
Norman – Sweet.
Board of Directors – But they won’t merge unless we boot you, which frankly we can’t disagree with because you’re kind of creepy and nearly destroyed the company with that super-human formula project that totally didn’t work. This won’t be a problem, will it?
Norman – Nope. I’ll “deal with it.”
World Peace Day:
Harry – I really hope Pete isn’t around to see how I betrayed him by dating his long-time crush and trying to hide that fact from him.
Peter – No, really, it’s fine…
MJ – So where’s your dad, Harry?
Green Goblin – Hello, Board of Directors. This is me dealing with it! [[unleashes hand grenades that look rather like pumpkins and general havoc ensues; he even manages to leer at MJ]] Man, this is too much fun!
Spider-man – Hey, Green Ranger, pick on someone your own size!
Green Goblin – Sure thing!
[[a fight ensues and Spider-man manages to save MJ but the Goblin gets away]]
MJ – You saved my life again. Which is cool, yet perhaps happening a little too often. But, still cool.
Norman – Okay, yet again I wake up with no memory of what happened. Weird. And the Board of Directors has been murdered? I’m beginning to think this isn’t coincidence.
Green Goblin – Brilliant conclusion, Sherlock.
Norman – And now I appear to be talking to myself.
Green Goblin – Yep. I think you can add “multiple personality disorder” to the list of side-effects for your super-human formula. Unless you just want to put that under the umbrella of “goes crazy,” which, you know, totally works for me.
Norman – So I did all those awful things?
Green Goblin – Wow, for a brilliant scientist, you’re a bit slow on the uptake. But yeah, you totally did, and it was totally awesome, and you in no way looked like the Green Ranger. So here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to completely take over your personality, because let’s face it, you were kind of creepy and crazy to begin with, which is why no one will even notice. And I will continue to do awful things, and you will continue to profit by them.
Norman – Will you continue to have nothing but contempt and disappointment for Harry unless he also starts to show psychopathic tendencies?
Green Goblin – Absolutely.
Norman – Alright, sounds fair.
Green Goblin – Sweet. First we figure out what to do about Spider-man.
[[Goblin nabs Spider-man at the Daily Bugle]]
Green Goblin – Here’s the deal, kiddo. Join me and we rule this town. Or don’t, and eventually everyone will hate you, and I’ll just try to kill you anyway. What’d ya think?
Spider-man – With great power comes great responsibility.
Green Goblin – I don’t see how that’s relevant, but I’ll take it as a ‘no.’ Alrighty, you try being a hero and I’ll continue to blow stuff up and we’ll see which one of us is right.
Spider-man – Sounds fair.
The Parker/Osborn Apartment:
Harry – Hey, Pete, look, it turns out I betrayed you and have been secretly dating MJ behind your back. You’re not mad, are you?
Peter – No, it’s all fine… Look, I brought cranberries.
MJ – Harry, your father is leering at me…
Norman – Yeah, because you are totally hot.
MJ – Ewww.
Norman – Peter, you’re bleeding in a suspicious manner. [[puts two and two together]] Oh, well, look at the time. Places to go, people to murder, spiders to squash, lives to ruin…
Harry – Dad, you didn’t even stay for dinner.
Norman – I said I have things to do. Look, use the girl, ditch her, and move on. Okay?
Harry – I hate you! You’re ruining my life!
Norman – Score! I have other lives to ruin now.
MJ – You’re dad’s a jerk!
Harry – Yeah, well, but you can’t say that about him!
[[various people leave in a huff]]
Peter – Well, that was possibly the most awkward Thanksgiving dinner ever. At least things can’t get worse.
[[Green Goblin attacks Aunt May and puts her in the hospital]]
Peter – Well, I was wrong. Aunt May is in a coma and the Goblin knows who I am. It’s only a matter of time before someone else gets hurt. I wonder who it will be?
MJ – Pete, I broke up with Harry. I think I like you better.
Peter – That’s great, MJ, but don’t go spreading that around, okay?
Harry – Don’t worry, she won’t have to. I’m going to tell Dad you and MJ betrayed me by having feelings for each other behind my back.
Peter – You betrayed me first by making a move on my long time crush.
Harry – *Phbbt*
Aunt May – Anyway, it’s perfectly obvious to everyone except you Pete, that MJ’s fallen for you, for some inexplicable reason.
Peter – MJ! MJ! Don’t get captured by the psycho Goblin! MJ!
Green Goblin – Too late. Hey, Spider-man, meet me on the Brooklyn Bridge for a duel to the death. Yours, of course, not mine.
MJ – Dammit, why does this keep happening to me? This is the third time since graduation and no longer cool! Surely this will not keep happening to me, should I live through this.
Spider-man – Okay, Goblin, hand over the girl.
Green Goblin – How about no? Oh, and you’ll also need to save this cable car full of adorable children!
Adorable children – Save us Spider-man!
Spider-man – Oh, man, you’ve got to be kidding me! Children? Really, adorable children? That is so messed up. I mean, damn, you put helpless children in danger?
Green Goblin – Yeah, I know, I so rock. Fetch boy! [[drops both]]
[[Spider-man manages to save both at great cost to his rotator cuff, although MJ does remarkably well under the circumstances]]
Green Goblin – Oh, hell, no, you don’t get to save both! You ruined all my fun!
[[The fight commences with Spider-man generally getting his butt kicked until he quits trying not to hurt the Goblin]]
Green Goblin – Oh, ouch, ok, damn it, Peter, knock it off. [[takes off the mask]] It’s me, Peter. Mr. Osborn.
Spider-man – Oooohhh boy. This is a problem.
Green Goblin – You won’t tell Harry I’m all psycho and evil, right? Or that I’m the Green Goblin?
Spider-man – Um, look, this is pretty rough. What do you want me to do?
Green Goblin – Die! [[puts gilder in kill mode]]
[[Spider-man’s spider sense goes off and he reacts before thinking, which causes Green Goblin to end up impaled on his own glider]]
Green Goblin – Ah, f&#k, that didn’t work right. Don’t tell Harry, okay? [[dies]]
Spider-man – What in the hell am I supposed to tell Harry? I guess I won’t tell him anything and hope he doesn’t unfairly blame me for his father’s death and start down a dark path of obsession and revenge.
Harry – *obsessing* I hate Spider-man and I’m going to kill him for killing my father. But, hey, at least I have my best friend in the entire world. I totally forgive you for that betraying me thing.
Peter – Yeah, awkward…
MJ – Peter, for some inexplicable reason, I love you. [[kisses him]]
Peter – Sorry, MJ, I’m really not the guy for you. Trust me on this one. (narrating) I told you my life sucked. I’m not such a loser, well, Spider-man isn’t a loser, but I’m still totally a loser. I’m not dating the girl of my dreams who is way too good for me, my best friend hates my alter ego and is clearly starting down a path of unhealthy obsession, Aunt May still has no money and now huge hospital bills, and I’m still working for the worst boss in the entire universe. I warned you at the start of the movie. And no, it won’t get better for me or anyone else in the sequel.