Fifteen-minute Movie – The Return of the King

The Brandywine River (Flashback):
Smeagol – Woot! This one starts with my back story.

Deagol – Yeah, great, everyone gets to see how one look at the Ring lead you to strangle me, your best friend, and become a twisted, pathetic, exiled weird fishy creature.

Smeagol – Yeah, and the Ring was totally worth it. *Gollum* My precioussss….

Aragorn – Hey, the hobbits are alive.

Gimli – And feasting. You little brats. We chase Uruk-hai for days, fight a battle, and you’re sitting here smoking pipes.

Pippin – Yeah, I know. Isn’t it great?

Merry – Treebeard will see you now.

Gandalf – Hey, Saruman, I know a bunch of trees totally kicked your ass, but if you want, we’ll let you come down and help us destroy Sauron.

Saruman – Like hell, you jerk. [[he tries to roast Gandalf with a classic D&D type fireball; it doesn’t work]] He’s not dead? Inconcievable!

Gandalf – Alright, that’s it, I’m just going to have to take away your toys. I’m going to break your staff.

[[Saruman’s staff shatters]]

Saruman – D’oh!

Theoden – Wormtongue, I know you totally betrayed us to Saruman, but since your boss is such a loser, I’ll let you come back to the Rohan if you want.

Saruman – Oh, yeah, right, whatever. He’s not going anywhere.

Wormtongue – Er, well, I really rather would go.

Saruman – [[slaps him]] Over my dead body, you ingrate.

Wormtongue – Okey-dokey. [[stabs him; Legolas kills Wormtongue, and Saruman falls off the tower in a dramatic fashion to splashdown on a spiky wheel that rotates him under the water; the Palantir slides out of his robe]]

Treebeard – Well, that takes care of Saruman. You can go finish your war.

Pippin – Hey, a shiny thing in the water. Neat.

Gandalf – No way. Salvage rights belong to me. Give it over. And don’t touch it.

Rocky mess before Mordor:
Smeagol/Gollum – Maybe we should be treated for multiple personality disorder.

Gollum/Smeagol – Yess, maybe we should. But first, kill the hobbitses and take the ring.

Sam – I heard that! Mr. Frodo, he’s going to kill us.

Gollum – No, we wouldn’t do that.

Frodo – I believe Gollum.

Sam – Honestly. *muttering* If you weren’t so adorably cute, I’d kick your ass.

Merry – Pippin, what are you doing up?

Pippin – I’m going to steal that shiny thing from Gandalf and look at it.

Merry – I know you have no common sense, but damn, Pippin. Stealing from a wizard is pretty darn stupid, even for you.

[[Sauron uses the Palantir to overpower Pippin in a dramatic fashion]]

Pippin – Gahhh!!! This was a bad idea.

[[Gandalf gets Palantir away]]

Gandalf – Pippin, you are an idiot. I’m getting you away from everyone before you screw anything else up, or they toss you off the mountain.

Merry – Gee, thanks, Pippin, leave me here all alone. Jerk.

Eowyn – Hey, can anyone explain why I’m sleeping on a lounge couch in the main hall when I have an actual room of my own in this place?

Aragorn – So I can share a tender moment with you before I ultimately break your heart later in the movie.

Eowyn – Sounds fair.

Minas Tirith:
Gandalf – Not a word, Pippin. Not a bloody word.

Denethor – Guess what? I pretty much know everything you were going to tell me. And you can just stuff your staff where the sun don’t shine.

Pippin – We’re really sorry about all that. I offer my services to you.

Gandalf – Pippin, you moron. He’s not a pervy hobbit fancier. So, will you fight Sauron?

Denethor – I’ll think about it. Get lost.

Minas Morgol:
Sam – I don’t think it can get any creepier.

Frodo – Hey, that guy who stabbed me lives there. Maybe he’ll want the ring.

Sam and Gollum – What the hell is wrong with you?!? [[drags him back]]

[[Minas Morgol opens its gates]]

Sam – Well, I was wrong. It’s creepier.

Minas Tirith as Minas Morgol opens:
Pippin – Is that special effect a bad sign?

Gandalf – *shakes head* Honestly. How dense are you?

The Endless Stair:
Gollum – Sam stole your food.

Sam – You’re a liar.

Frodo – I believe Gollum. You’re a jerk.

Sam – What the hell? Quit fondling your damn ring and pay attention!

Frodo – No, I don’t like you. Go away.

Sam – Oh, no Mr. Frodo. What about all the good times we’ve had? I can’t end like this.

Frodo – *Pbbht* Let’s go, Gollum, my new bestest friend.

Gollum – Ssucker.

[[Sam cries like a baby]]

Minas Tirith:
Gandalf – Ok, Pippin, we’re going to go behind Denethor’s back and alert Rohan. I want you to climb up a steep mountainside, light a pile of lumber on fire, then climb back down.

Pippin – If I had common sense, I’d say no. But I’ll do it for you.

Aragorn – Gondor’s sending out the S.O.S.

Theoden – Alright, we’ll go save their sorry asses.

[[after fighting all night, the city is over-run with orcs]]

Faramir – Run away, run away!

[[they run, with Nazgul on their heels]]

Gandalf – Behold the power of my wizardly Mag-Lite!

Nazgul – Argh! Maybe eyeballs were a bad idea.

Minas Tirith:
Faramir – That was a really short retreat. Hey, a little guy.

Gandalf – Where did you see hobbits?

Faramir – Ithilien. And they were with this creepy fishy thing, heading toward Cirith Ungol, a pass of unspeakable darkness and nameless terror.

Gandalf – Well, this has just gone from bad to worse.

Arwen – Daddy, give Aragorn his sword back.

Elrond – Please, Arwen, you can do so much better. You can find someone who bathes, for instance.

Arwen – He’s dreamy. You help him or I’ll just die right now.

Theoden – You can’t fight with us, Eowyn. Neither can Merry. That’s final.

Merry – Why the heck did you make me your squire if you weren’t going to let me fight?

Eowyn – Ok, I won’t fight. Sure. No problem. I’ll just disguise myself and grab Merry before we head out. There are 6000 of us. You’ll never know.

Elrond – Special delivery. I’ll waive the shipping charge, just for you. By the way, you know there’s an army of undead in that mountain right behind you? They’ll only answer to the king of Gondor. It’s your destiny…

Aragorn – Dammit, I can’t escape my destiny if we’re camping on its doorstep.

Eowyn – Aragorn, could you give me a little one on one training before you go? Hint, hint.

Aragorn – Ah, no. See, I still love my elfy girlfriend, who, it seems, is still on Middle-Earth waiting for me. Sorry for leading you on like that and breaking your heart. [[he tries to sneak off]]

Gimli – Not so fast. We’re going with you.

Legolas – Yeah. We’ve got to have more screen time than the hobbits.

Cirith Ungol:
Frodo – Hey, Gollum, you seem to have left me in a maze of tunnels and spider-webs. You aren’t betraying me or anything? Gollum? Gollummm!! Rats. Sam? Saaammm!!

Shelob – Not quite.

Frodo – Stay back! I have a sword and an elfy Chem-light!

Shelob – Curse the elfy Chem-light.

Frodo – Here, let me drop it and my sword in my haste to beat the snot out of Gollum.

Shelob – Sounds fair.

[[Frodo and Gollum struggle, Gollum falls down]]

Frodo – Well, that’s the last we’ll see of him. I’m safe now.

Shelob – Not! [[stabs him]]

Frodo – Must… drool… dramatically… [[passes out]]

Sam – Nooo!! No one touches Mr. Frodo! I have a sword and the elfy Chem-light! Die, eight-legged freak!!

Shelob – Run away, run away! *muttering* What are the odds that the first fresh meat I get in centuries happens to have the very items that would chase me away? Sheesh.

Sam – Oh, no, Mr. Frodo is dead! Whatever shall I do? [[hears noises; hides]]

Orcs – Hey, fresh meat. That’s handy. Let’s get him back before he wakes up.

Sam – I guess I shall go rescue the not-quite-dead Mr. Frodo.

Minas Tirith:
Pippin – When I offered my services to you, I didn’t expect to end up a guard.

Denethor – Gosh, you’re cute.

Pippin – See, that’s more what I expected: pervy hobbit fancying.

Faramir – Hey, Dad, I lost Osgiliath again. Sorry.

Denethor – Loser. Boromir could get it back. You know, for a minute, I thought I saw Boromir coming home. Then I realized it was just you, loser.

Faramir – I’m not a loser! Fine, I’ll get Osgiliath back for you. Or at least die trying.

Denethor – Sounds fair. Move it, loser.

Pippin – Umm… You know, I’m starting to think Denethor’s a few leaves short of a full pipe here.

Paths of the Dead:
Gimli – This is creepier than Moria.

Legolas – Hey, I’m an elf. I’m never afraid.

Aragorn – Alright, dead people. You’ve been drafted. You come fight for me now.

King of the Dead – Says who, Ranger-boy?

Aragorn – Says me and my sword. You want to make something of it? [[grabs the King by the throat, a neat trick considering he’s dead]]

King of the Dead – Ack. No, no. We’re good. Lead on.

[[the Dead unleash a torrent of skulls, forcing Aragorn and Co. to run like frightened rabbits to get out of the pass before they’re buried; they emerge on the other side]]

Aragorn – Those lying, traitorous sons of…

King of the Dead – Ha ha, April Fool’s. No, seriously, we’re with you. Lead on.

Minas Tirith:
Orc Captain – Special delivery, suckers! [[an injured Faramir is dragged in]]

Denethor – He’s dead. My son! My loser son did die trying! I’ve been such a dick!

Pippin – Have you lost your mind? He’s not dead yet.

Gandalf – Orcs are at the gates. What are you going to do?

Denethor – Oh, woe, all is lost. Lost! Surrender! Retreat!

[[Gandalf whacks him soundly]]

Gandalf – Right, then. Denethor’s going to take a little nap now while you soldiers defend Gondor.

[[the battle commences]]

Witch-King – Hey, Wizard-boy, I need to prove I’m not the pansy I was in movie one. Come here, I want to show you something.

Gandalf – Um, you know what, I think I’ll stay over here.

Witch-King – It doesn’t matter! I’m going to break your staff and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Gandalf – Hey, you can’t do that! [[his staff shatters]] Well, I’ll be damned. You have grown in power.

Witch-King – Yep, I really have. No man can kill me. Hear that? No man can kill me. I am invincible and indestructable and in no way will these words come back to haunt me!

[[the battle continues]]

Denethor – Hahahaha! Burn baby burn! Hahahaha! I will burn along with my son.

Pippin – He’s not dead! Are you mad?

Denethor – Got in one. Bye-bye now!

Pelennor Fields:
[[the Rohirrim show up]]

Witch-King – Oh, of all the timing! I was just about to finish Gandalf. Well, plenty of time for that later. [[flies off]]

Theoden – Charge!

[[they turn the tide]]

Theoden – Yes! We win!

[[then comes the second wave featuring horse stomping oliphaunts]]

Theoden – Nope. Nope. Never mind.

Pippin – Gandalf! Gandalf! Denethor is going to burn himself and Faramir to death! I think he’s gone insane!

Gandalf – You only think he’s gone insane? How dense are you? Hell, let’s go!

Theoden – Well, things can’t get much worse.

[[Witch-King whacks him]]

Theoden – Nope. Nope. I was wrong.

Eowyn – Leave him alone!

Witch-King – I’ve been over this. No MAN can kill me!

Eowyn – I’m a woman.

Merry – And I’m a hobbit.

Witch-King – Oh, come on. You can’t kill me due to a semantic technicality.

[[Eowyn and Merry stab him]]

Witch-King – Oh, good grief. [[crumples up and dies]]

Theoden – My turn. [[dies]]

Minas Tirith:
Gandalf – Denethor! Stop it! He’s not dead!

Denethor – Hahaha! Sure he is! Hahahaha!!!!

Gandalf – Multiple exclamation points, oh no. A sure sign of a deranged mind.

Denethor – Burn baby burn! [[he lights up]]

[[Pippin saves Faramir]]

Faramir – [[Opens his eyes]] Dad? Did I miss something?

Denethor – Well, this is embarrassing. I’m on fire and I just tried to kill my son. Good thing I’m utterly mad! [[runs screaming off the cliff]]

Gandalf – That seemed a touch overdramatic, I feel, having plummeted to my doom two movies eariler.

Pelannor Fields:
[[the ships show up]]

Orc Captain – Where the hell have you guys been? You’re late.

Aragorn – Surprise!! Get ’em boys!

[[the dead easily wipe out the army]]

Legolas – Now I shall make up for my lack of screen time. Watch as I make elven shield surfing look like a party trick! [[kills the oliphant and its crew]]

Gimli – Un-[expletive]-believable!

Cirith Ungol:
Frodo – Wha…? Sam… I don’t do kinky. Oh. No. Orcs. This is worse.

Uruk-hai – [[holds up Frodo’s mail shirt]] Hey, this is mine.

Orc – You can’t have it. It goes to the boss.

Uruk-hai – Oh, yeah? I’ll kick your ass.

[[the fight commences between Sauron’s orcs and Saruman’s uruk-hai, once again illustrating how hard it is for evil to hire good help in Middle-Earth as both factions pretty much wipe each other out; Sam wanders in after the battle]]

Sam – Gee, it looks sort of like Moria. Everyone’s dead, but there are no dwarves. -he kills the four remaining orcs of out of what, two whole garrisons-  Mr. Frodo! You’re alive. And half naked. And tied up!

Frodo – This is not the time. My ring is gone.

Sam – Is that all you think about? After I’ve done so much for you… *sniff* Here. Here’s your darn ring.

Frodo – Ahhh… my ring… feels so good…

Sam – Um… we should be going now.

Frodo – Yes, right. Right.

Sam – I think you’d look smashing in this helmet. Orc-wear is all the rage this season.

Minas Tirith:
Gandalf – Well, we’ve done the big battle scene, but the movie’s not over. Where do we go from here?

Aragorn – I’m going to try to master the Palantir.

Gandalf – That’ll burn up a few minutes. Let us know how that goes.

[[Aragorn fails to master the Palantir as Sauron shows him an image of the dying Arwen]]

Aragorn – Right, then, that was a stupid idea.

Gandalf – So now where do we go?

Aragorn – The Black Gate. As a diversion.

Gandalf – For Sauron or the audience?

Gimli – Who cares? I get to kill more orcs.

Sam – Rats. We’ve stumbled onto a huge company of orcs. I hope they don’t see us.

Orc Whipmaster – Hey, slackers get in line.

Sam – So how the hell do we get out of this?

Frodo – Hit me.

Sam – Er, what? Mr. Frodo, I thought you weren’t into that sort of thing.

Frodo – Dammit, Sam, this isn’t the time. Hit me and the other orcs will join in and we can sneak off in the confusion.

Sam – If you say so… -hits Frodo and other orcs join in and they sneak off in the confusion- Wow. That worked better than I thought.  Orcs are really stupid.

Minas Tirith, Houses of Healing:
Faramir – So, I couldn’t help noticing you’re one hot babe who could really use someone to comfort her right now.

Eowyn – What the hell. You’re kind of cute. I wish we got a little more screen time to our love story though.

Faramir – Yeah. At over 4 hours, you’d think we could have gotten more than two extra scenes.

[[the orcs head to the black gate to await Aragorn’s party; not that this is explained, but if the departure of the orcs is taken as real time, then boy can those buggers move]]

Sam – Well, that’s handy. All the orcs have left. We can probably get rid of this disguise now.

Frodo – Are we there yet?

The Moraninn (Black Gate):
Aragorn – Sauron, get your sorry ass out here and fight like a man!

The Mouth of Sauron – Sauron isn’t available right now. But if you’ll leave your name and number, he’ll get back to you as soon as possible.

Merry – Dude, that is like one big mouth. Totally huge.

Pippin – Freakishly huge. I mean, gigantic.

Merry – Yeah, definitely the biggest mouth I’ve ever seen, and us hobbits have big mouths.

The Mouth of Sauron – Shut up, alright? Just shut up! Yes, I have a freakishly huge mouth, but dammit, I’ve made the most of it. Now, Sauron has commissioned me to give you this pretty mail shirt… [[tosses Frodo’s mithril at Gandalf]]

Pippin – That’s a bad sign, right?

Merry – How dense are you?

The Mouth of Sauron – And he’s given me a list of taunts, threats, and personal insults to deliver to each of you for the purpose of demoralizing you at the gate here. Make yourselves comfortable, this is going to take some time. Ahem.

Aragorn – How about I just chop off your head and get on with the damn movie?

The Mouth of Sauron – Um, no?

[[Aragorn chops off his head]]

Aragorn – What? What? Oh, like none of you wouldn’t have done the same. Look, I’m having a really bad day here, alright? Now let’s open that damn gate and kick some evil ass!

[[the gates open]]

Orc legion – YO!

Gimli – We are going to die.

Legolas – You know I love ya, rock-head.

Gimli – Yeah, right back atcha, elf-boy.

Mt. Doom:
Frodo – Could this take any longer?

Sam – I’ll carry you.

Frodo – No, that’s really not necessary… Oh, what the hell. We’re going to die anyway.

Gollum – I’m back!!

[[they struggle, Frodo makes it to the Crack of Doom]]

Aragorn – This ass-kicking plan is not going as I hoped.

Pippin – Hey, look, eagles!

[[eagles the size of rocs attack the Nazgul with no explanation as to why]]

Mt. Doom:
Sam – Well, what are you waiting for? Chuck it in.

Frodo – No. It’s pretty. I’m keeping it. [[he puts it on]]

Sauron (as played by an eyeball, his actual thoughts are somewhat up to interpretation, but presumably this is what he was thinking) – What the hell? Gahh!!! Nazgul, go, go to Mt. Doom! Stop him! Stop him!

Gandalf – Uh-oh.

Aragorn – Help! Getting crushed by a troll here.

Gandalf – Double uh-oh.

Mt. Doom:
Sauron – Faster! Faster! Move your asses! Did I make it clear that your job is on the line?

Gollum – Nap time, fat hobbit. [[whacks Sam]] I knows you’re here, Bagginss… [[attacks Frodo]]

Frodo – I’m going to scream like a little kid. [[does so]]

Gollum – It’s mine! [[chomps Frodo’s finger]] Tastes like chicken.

Sam – Wha…?

Frodo – No you don’t, you emaciated CGI freak. [[struggles with Gollum, both tumble over the ledge]]

Gollum – Yes! I won! I got my ring back. *splashdown* Er. Maybe not? [[sinks]]

Sam – Mr. Frodo! Don’t let go! Don’t ever let go!

Frodo – Did we just stumble into Titanic?

[[Sam saves Frodo; ring melts away]]

Aragorn – Damn, that was close.

Pippin – We win! Everything will be all right now!

[[Mt. Doom erupts]]

Merry – Stop saying things like that, you idiot! Now they’re hobbit flambe.

Mt. Doom:
Sam – Well, hell. All that, and I’ll never see home again. Or Rosie Cotton. Because I like girls and all.

Frodo – Why, Sam, I never knew. Pity, now that we’re here alone on this rock, and I’m in my right mind again…

Sam – Now? Now you pick to take me up on my offer? I’m too tired.

Frodo – Oh, well. Bye now.

Sam – Bye.

-fade to black-

Frodo – Um, Sam. Isn’t the movie over now?

Sam – No, guess not. Hey, look, eagles.

Frodo – Ah. Now it’s over.

-fade to white-

Frodo – Wha…? The movie’s not over yet?

Gandalf – Nope.

Frodo – You’re alive? I saw you plummet to your doom.

Gandalf – Funny old world. Now for the scene staged for poster and screen shots.

Merry & Pippin – Look, we’re cute!

Gimli – Look, I’m gruff!

Legolas – Look, I’m gorgeous!

Aragorn – Look, I’m clean!

-fade to white-

Gandalf – Since the movie is still not over, I’d better crown Aragorn.

Aragorn – Look, I can grow a full beard. Don’t know why I bothered to try to shave in the wilderness.

Elrond – Special delivery!

Arwen – Honey, I’m home.

Aragorn – Wow. You are one hot elf babe. [[They snog]] Dude, I am the luckiest man ever.

-fade to white-

Hobbits – Nope. Still not over. We get to go home, see?

Sam – And I get to marry Rosie Cotton. ‘Cause I like girls and all.

-fade to white-

Frodo – Not too long yet until the movie ends. Damn shoulder still bothers me. Bloody Nazgul.

Sam – So what now?

Frodo – We accompany Bilbo on a last journey.

Grey Havens:
Sam – Well, that took up a few minutes. Let’s go home.

Frodo – Um, I’m not going home. I’m going along with Bilbo, Gandalf, and the elves.

Sam – You can’t leave! Whatever shall I do? I’ll miss looking into your baby blue eyes…

Frodo – Sam. You’re married. Let it go.

Sam – Alright. If I must. *sniff*

Merry & Pippin – Wahhh! Bye Frodo!

Gandalf – All aboard who’s going aboard!

-fade to white-

Frodo – This is the last scene; I promise as the narrator.

Sam – Well, I’ve still got Rosie. And the memories. And that’s all folks!

-fade to black-


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S. J. Drew is an aspiring writer who finally entered the blogosphere to shamelessly promote that writing (as evidenced by the title of the blog). Whether or not this works remains to be seen, but S. J. hopes you are at least entertained. And if you're actually reading this, that's probably a good sign.

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