Fifteen-minute Movie: The Hulk

or, “Don’t Get Me Angsty.  You Wouldn’t Like Me When I’m Angsty.”
or, “A Dark and Nolan-y Summer Blockbuster Before That was Popular”
or, “A Movie with Daddy Issues”

[[Credits roll to montage of a biologist (presumably) torturing a number of animals in the pursuit of what from the notes appears to be manipulating DNA to increase regeneration to the point of immortality]]

Desert Base, 1966:
Dr. David Banner – I need money and I can make immortal superweapons!

Young Ross – Human experimental is illegal and unethical.  No.

Banner Household:
David – They said I was mad!  Mad!  I’ll show them!  [[commences human testing on himself]]

Mrs. Banner – I’m going to have a baby!

David – Um.

Desert Base:
Young Ross – I checked up on you and you were testing your experiments on humans!  I am throwing you off this base!

David – Fine, but if I can’t have my research to cure my genetically mutated freak son no one will!  [[sets gamma radiation experiments to destroy the base because he is bat@#$& crazy; goes home and he and Mrs. Banner go behind closed doors and much screaming occurs until the door opens to an ambiguous scene change]]

World’s Most Poorly Secured Research Facility:
[[Bruce passes by Stan Lee’s cameo]]

Bruce – I am really worried about how my eyes randomly turn green and glowing.

Random Scientist – Dude, you look like a total nerd in that bike helmet.

Bruce – Yeah, and I also look like Eric Bana so you should shut the hell up.

Random Scientist – …  That is a really good point.

Betty Ross – Hey, Bruce, we have a presentation tomorrow to justify all our research.  No pressure though.

Bruce – Yeah, no, it’s fine.

Betty – Also, I hope this won’t make our working relationship any more awkward now that we broke up.

Bruce – Yeah, no, it’s fine.

[[They commence their test and gamma irradiate a frog; it heals, then explodes horribly]]

Betty – So, I’m upset and am going to fall back into an old argument about how you never bothered to find out about your birth parents.

Bruce – Not again…

World’s Most Poorly Secured Research Facility, The Next Day:
Glen Talbot – Betty, I’m going to totally hit on you and offer you a high-paying job with the military to do your research.

Betty – Could you be any sleazier?  Get the hell out of here.

World’s Most Poorly Secured Research Facility, That Night:
Betty – Hey, where’s the usual janitor?

Creepy Janitor – He’s dead.  I’m the new guy.

Betty – Um, okay, moving along here.

Desert Base, Flashback:
Betty (narrating) – I had this weird dream about when I was two, I was having ice cream with my dad and something bad happened.  I saw this green mushroom cloud and then you, an adult, picked me up and tried to stangle me.

Bruce – Holy @#$% that is disturbing.  No wonder we broke up.

[[Creepy Janitor steals one of Bruce’s stray hairs;  so, who was wondering if Bruce was still having nightmares?  Well, it turns out he totally is and that Creepy Janitor is stalking him and secretly mapping his DNA as janitors do using his janitoral access to the World’s Most Poorly Secured Research Facility…]]

World’s Most Poorly Secured Research Facility:
Talbot – I totally want to get my hands on your research for the military.  You’re making, like, a super soldier serum!

Bruce – No, that’s entirely different.  Anyway, I don’t want my research to be used for weapons.

Talbot – That is the lamest thing I have ever heard.

World’s Most Poorly Secured Research Facility, Gamma Lab:
[[A terrible accident occurs and in order to save Random Scientist, Bruce puts himself directly in the path of a gamma blast but somehow totally survives]]

Betty – What the hell happened?  Everything else has turned inside out and exploded!

Bruce – Our process actually worked!  It’s just fine now.

[[Hey, were you wondering if Bruce was still having trippy, surreal nightmares?  Well, it turns out he is and they’re even worse than before!]]

Creepy Janitor – [[who is in a hospital room with his dogs]]  So, you’re real name is Banner and I’m totally stalking you, but you’ll put up with it because I know why you survived that accident.  Also, if that doesn’t convince you, I knew your real mother because I’m your father in a twist that pretty much everyone saw coming.

Bruce – You are creepy and lying!

David – No, I’m not.  I know all about the experiments and the explosion and they put me in prison for 30 years!  They called me mad!  Mad!!!!  But now we can rule the galaxy as father and son!

Bruce – Get the hell out of here you creepy freak!

[[David continues his crazy experiments apparently now with nuclear material because, as noted, this is the World’s Most Poorly Secured Research Facility, and anyone can just walk out of there with freakin’ nuclear material!!!  Honestly, this is worse security than Oscorp in Amazing Spider-man]]

Restaurant:
Betty – So, Dad, I was hoping you could tell Talbot to back the hell off.

General Ross – Actually, I found out some interesting stuff about that guy you used to date.

Betty – It turns out I have some daddy issues and even though I asked you to come here, I’m going to accuse you of screwing up my life again and leaving in a huff!  [[does so]]

World’s Most Poorly Secured Research Facility:
[[in the meantime, Bruce examines his own blood for the first time and finds it is very weird, and Betty picks the worse time to leave an omniously ambiguous phone message; Bruce, already in the midst of a mental breakdown as long-repressed memories come to the surface, completely Hulks out]]

David – That is the coolest thing I have ever seen.

[[a touching moment briefly calms the Hulk until more memories surface and he runs off again]]

Banner Household:
[[Betty finds an unconscious Bruce in torn pants on the bed]]

Betty – Well, this is weird.  So, there was an explosion in the lab last night.

Bruce – I’m fine.  I had some crazy dream and that creepy janitor was there and said he’s my father.  Weird, right?

General Ross – So, we’re found Bruce Banner.  Betty, I have unfinished business with your ex.

Betty – Whatever.  I’m going to get some answers. [[leaves]]

David’s Horror-movie Set Hovel:
Betty – So, tell me what happened last night.

David – Wow, you don’t have any common sense, do you?  I mean, this place is creepy as all get out and I’m as creepy as all get out, and you’re here alone asking me questions?

Betty – Yeah, well, I live in a cabin the woods.  I don’t have a good sense of impending danger.

David – Oh, alright.  You aren’t going to try to cure Bruce, are you?  Because I have no intention of letting that happen.  No intention…

Betty – Um, my father thinks Bruce is a threat to national security.

David – You are an idiot, but very pretty.  Still, you should leave now.

Betty – I’m sure I never should have come here, you creepy freak who just stole my sweater [[leaves]]

Banner Household:
Ross – Tell me where your father is!

Bruce – I have no idea.  He’s a creepy freak and I hate him.

Ross – You’ve totally been in cahoots in with your father!  I’m going to make sure you never work on any important research ever again! [[leaves]]

Bruce – Great.  Just great.  Hey, what the hell is that ringing?  Oh, a phone hidden under my couch.

David (phone) – I’m going to send my dogs to kill your girlfriend so she can’t cure you!

Bruce – Argh!  Must save girlfriend!

Talbot – Listen, you jerk, you went behind my back to Ross and I’m going to beat the hell out of you right now!

Bruce – Don’t make me angry.  You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.

Talbot – Whatever, nerdlinger.  [[clearly Talbot does not read comics or recognize the tagline and eventually causes a big, green temper tantrum as Bruce Hulks out and heads to Betty]]

Betty’s Cabin in the Woods:
[[Betty hears a noise she goes to investigate; luckily for her it’s the Hulk whom she seems to recognize; then they are attacked by gamma-irradiated dogs; then what starts is a pretty bad CGI dog fight that Bruce ultimately wins then calms down when he sees the monster he’s become and he turns into a naked Eric Bana]]

Bruce – That bastard!  I will kill him!  [[starts to choke Betty instead; so does this mean Betty is psychic since that was her dream?  Anyway, he passes out before he kills her]]

Betty – So what’s going on?  Our research worked, right?  What’s with those dogs?

Bruce – The research worked because I’m the experiment.  That psychopath is my father and he sent those dogs to kill you.

Betty – Oooookaaay…  [[later, Betty is so desperate she calls her father for help while Bruce naps]]  So, I think your anger triggers the transformation because emotional damage is just as powerful as physical trauma.

Bruce – That’s deep.  And angsty.

Betty – Yes.  By the way, you need to take a little nap now.

Bruce – What?  [[is shot with a tranq dart]]  Oh.

Gamma Base (Waaaaaaay the Hell Out in the Middle of Nowhere [really, quite smart of the military]):
Betty – I can’t help him if he’s sedated all the time!

Ross – He’s dangerous!  He’s the son of that crazy guy!  So he’s probably going to go crazy too, so I’m not going to let him go.

Betty – He’s not a weapon either.  Let me try to help him.

[[The military fails to catch up with David who has snuck back into the World’s Most Poorly Secured Research Facility, to a crime scene, to continue his research by experimenting on himself, which turns him into the Absorbing Man (more or less); at this point a security guard actually pays some attention and in typical Hollywood fashion the only black person with lines in the movie gets killed within 30 seconds]]

Gamma Base:
[[so it turns out the Desert Base from the beginning is on top of Gamma Base and the military lets Bruce go for a walk down memory lane that proves futile]]

Ross – So Talbot went around me and now the NSA controls access Banner.

Betty – So, I guess I have to leave now.

Talbot – Hey Bruce!  So it turns out I am as stupid as I am sleazy and I’m going to try to get you angry so those military guys can kill you!

Betty’s Cabin in the Woods:
David – I won’t kill you.  I want to turn myself in so I can see my son again.

Betty – My father can’t help you.  You should be sorry for what you did you Bruce.

David – I was just trying to improve on God’s creation!

Betty – Blah blah blah, insane self-righteous scientist speech.  You screwed up and you know it.

David –  Okay, look, I realized I created a monster.  I tried to kill him because I was afraid of him but his mother got in the way and I killed her instead.

Betty – Wow, when I think you can’t get any creepier, you manage to anyway.

Gamma Base:
[[So, Talbot finds out that bullying an unconscious dragon turns out no better than a conscious one as Bruce Hulks out, busts out of the lab and the containment, and starts going on a rampage]]

Talbot – I am going to get a sample of his Hulked out blood if it kills me!  [[which is exactly what happens; no one is sad]]

Ross – Do something!  Fire everything!  [[this does not work]]  Okay, lure him outside so he doesn’t kill everyone down here.

[[Hulk heads outside to get shot by heavy artillery; this also does not work; unbeknownst to the military but knownst to us, they are dealing with an unstoppable rage monster; Military 0, Hulk 3]]

Ross – I clearly need heavier artillery!  I wonder where he’s going.  If only there was someone I knew that he cared deeply about that he might be going to seek in this time of distress…

[[And it turns out heavily armed helicopters with missiles also don’t stop the Hulk; Military 0, Hulk 4]]

Ross – Bury him in rubble!

Officer – Isn’t that a national park or monument or something?

Ross – Just fire everything, and that’s an order!

[[So, it turns out burying the Hulk in rubble also doesn’t stop him; Military 0, Hulk 5, National Park 0]]

Ross – Hey, Betty, I think Bruce is heading to you.

Betty – Really, you think?  Well, I’m at the base with his dad.

[[So it turns out that firing missiles at the Golden Gate Bridge is a bad idea and a fighter jet almost takes out the bridge; Hulk saves the bridge by jumping on the jet, which should have disintegrated the jet but the military finds out Hulk still needs to breathe when the jet goes up to the edge of the atmosphere; to be fair, the Hulk lasts nearly as long as the guy with the oxygen mask; he plummets into the water and manages to survive; Military 0, Hulk 6, Golden Gate Bridge 1]]

Betty – You’re just making him angrier.  Let me go to him.  By the way, shouldn’t you have tried to evacuate San Francisco or something?

Ross – Um, yeah, well, too late now.  I actually called out everyone to try to stop him, but I suppose I’ll let you try.

[[Betty goes to the Hulk and calms him down; Military 0, Hulk 6, Betty 1; such is the power of love]]

Home Base:
Ross – Alright, so if he does anything but sit there I’m going to totally kill him.  And when I get word for the Top Brass, I’ll kill him anyway.  Oh, hey, Betty, were you standing there?

Betty – You are the world’s second worst father.

[[The military actually lets David and Bruce talk; I have no idea who thought that was going to go well]]

David – So, how’s it going?

Bruce – You made me a monster that they’re going to kill as soon as they figure out how.  Thanks.  Thanks so much you psychopathic freak.  But hey now I remember my mother.

David. – Whatever.  I’m not here for you.  I’m here for the green monster I created.  Muahahaha!!!  Also, I need more energy so you have to turn into the monster so I can absorb it!

Random Officer – So, should we do something about the crazy ranting guy who’s trying to tick off the mostly unstoppable rage machine?  No?  Okay then.

David – Fine, I’ll just kill us both!

[[David literally chews the scenery and the power cable to turn into a giant electric monster; fortunately for Bruce, being electrocuted does not actually kill him but he does Hulk out; David runs off with the Hulk (I guess; it’s really hard to tell) and they start a fight in the middle of the desert which is better than San Francisco; this means the psychopathic mad scientist had more consideration for civilians than Ross]]

David – Okay, so this is either a knockdown, drag-out battle royale, or a metaphor for you fighting against the fear and anger you’ve suppressed your entire life.

Bruce/Hulk – Yeah, I can’t really tell because the editing is so dark.  So, which does this need to be for you to stop trying to kill me?

David – Metaphor, battle royale, either way, I’m totally going to kill you and steal all your gamma energy.

Bruce/Hulk – You are a terrible parent!  If you want my gamma energy and my rage you can have it all you psycho freak!

David – Yes!  Yeeesss!  Wait, um, okay, wait, um, stop now… please be stopping… AAAAAGGGHHHH!!  [[he explodes ambigiously]]

Ross – Nuke the deserted island!

[[The deserted islands explodes unambigiously]]

One Year Later:
Ross – So, Betty, I’m sorry I nuked your ex-boyfriend.  Obviously he couldn’t have survived, but you know, if he does, you’d let me know, right?

Betty – Of course not!  Anyway, you’ve got all my electronics bugged so I don’t have to tell you.  So, yeah, thanks Dad.  Thanks so much.

Ross – I am a terrible parent.

Betty – Yes.  Yes you are.

South America, Somewhere:
Thug – <I’m totally taking this medicine.>

Bearded White Dude – <You’re making me angry.  You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.> [[His eyes glow ominously green…]]

–Thugs 0, Hulk 1–

-fade-out-

Fifteen-minute Movie: X-men

or, “‘M’ for ‘Mediocre'”
or, “Really, the Best Scenes are Between Xavier and Magneto”

Poland 1944 (We All Know What That Means…):
[[sad people are being marched along and a young Eric Lensherr is separated from his parents]]

Li’l Eric – Noooooo!!!!  [[a metal gate bends ominously until the jackbooted thugs knock him unconscious]]

Jackbooted Thug 1 – Did anyone else see that?  Because that was freaky!  No one?  Okay, well, I guess it’s fine.

Mississippi (nowish):
Marie (Rogue) – One day I’m going to travel.

Boy – Wow, what kind of accent is that?

Rogue – Um, Southern?

Boy – It’s a good thing you got that Oscar before anyone asked you to do a Southern accent.  Hugh Jackman is Australian and he has a better accent than you do.

Rogue – Just shut up and kiss me already. [[she puts him in a coma and freaks out]]

Senate:
Jean Grey – There are going to be more mutants in the future and they are not dangerous nor deserve to be subject to unreasonable prejudice.

Kelly – Blah blah blah unnecessary bias.  Mutants are dangerous and we should license them just like guns.  What if they can read our minds or something?

Xavier/Jean – Oh, hey, look at the time.  I have a thing.

[[Xavier follows a mysterious old man in a fedora down the empty hallways]]

Xavier – Eric, please don’t go to war with the humans.

Magneto – Charles, as your friend of many years, I’m warning you not to get in my way.

Podunk, Canada:
Trucker – Okay, kid, here’s the end of the line.  Good luck.

[[Rogue witnesses a surely illegal cage fight with the mysterious and handsome loner called Logan (Wolverine)]]

Wolverine – I just want a beer and I want to ignore the clearly underage kid making moony eyes at me.

Losing Fighter – Dude, you owe me money.

Wolverine – You are an idiot.  [[Rogue screams when the guy pulls a knife on him; Logan returns the favor, of sorts]]  *snnkkk*  You call that a knife?  This is a knife!

Bartender – Get out of my bar, freak!

Wolverine – Is it really a good idea to call a man with blades in his hands a freak?  I mean, I obviously am, but are you sure you want to bring attention it?  [[slices off shotgun]]  You’re all idiots.  [[leaves]]

[[Later he discovers Rogue stowing away in his camper which is surprising that his super-senses didn’t hear her get in or smell her in the back]]

Wolverine – Get out.

Rogue – I think despite your rough demeanor you’re not actually going to leave me in the snow to die of exposure.

Wolverine – Damn it.

Rogue – Also, don’t touch my skin.  Bad things happen to people when they touch me.

Wolverine – Kid, you’re an underage runaway; I am so, so not touching you.

[[They promptly get into a car accident which shows off Wolverine’s healing factor but traps Rogue in the camper which somehow catches on fire]]

Rogue – I’m stuck!

Wolverine – It turns out extracting people from cars is something I am eminently qualified to do what with these knives in my hands.

Sabretooth – Except I’m totally going to take you down.  Raaawwwrrr!!

Wolverine – Wait, wait, aren’t you going to say something like, ‘Long time no see,” or, “Hey, how are things going old friend” or something else to indicate you know who I am and then I say, “what are you talking about” to indicate I don’t know who you are and therefore establish we have some kind of hidden past?

Sabretooth – Why would I do that?

Wolverine – Um, foreshadowing, or reference to the comic book?

Sabretooth – Nah.  [[thus starts a fight between Wolverine and Sabretooth which is interrupted by Storm and Cyclops and no, the movie never does explain how everyone happened to end up in the same place at the same time]]

Magneto’s Lair:
Sabretooth – So, that sucked.

Magneto – You suck.  Did you get the mutant?

Sabretooth – No, but I got some dog tags, somehow.

Magneto – Well, fine, we’ll just keep moving along with the plan.

Xavier Institute for Gifted Youngsters:
[[Jean is tending to Wolverine in the medi-bay when he abruptly wakes up and attacks her; she smartly lets him get away and locks the door behind him; Wolverine acquires a hoodie for no particularly good reason and Xavier mentally messes around with him until he finds Xavier’s office]]

Xavier – Hello, Logan.

Wolverine – What the hell is going on here?

Xavier – My people saved you and the girl and will protect both of you from Magneto and Sabretooth.  I’ll introduce everyone.  That’s Storm and Cyclops and Jean Grey.

Wolverine – The redhead is hot, but this is stupid and I am so leaving.

Xavier – Or I could help you recover your memories.  Here, watch the montage of mutant students learning to use their powers and being accepted. [[obligatory learning montage and Rogue meets a cool guy (ha), Bobby (Iceman)]]  Now, as we tour the paramilitary training part of the mansion…

Wolverine – Wait, what?  I thought you said this was a school.  Doesn’t also giving your students paramilitary training contradict your mission of peace?

Xavier – Just go with it.  Moving on, I will relate exposition regarding my relationship with Magneto, in case the audience somehow missed the connection between the young boy at the beginning of the movie and the old guy I was talking to in the Senate.

Senator’s Helicopter:
Kelly – Blah blah I’m totally a prejudiced jerk and totally justify all of Magneto’s concerns. [[his aide turns into a blue-skinned totally hot chick]]  Um, what the hell is going on?

Mystique – You’re a [expletive], and unobservant since your pilot is obviously a green-skinned freak. [[knocks him out cold and kidnaps him]]

X-Mansion:
Wolverine – So, Jeannie, it’s obvious you totally dig me.  That’s cool, because I dig you too.

Jean – Honestly. [[runs some tests on him and discovers his metal skeleton]]  So his powerset is actually healing and recovery and then someone did this to him.

Xavier – Wow, well, that’s pretty incredible.  But I’m starting to wonder if Magneto was actually after him.  I will not follow up with that thought until much later.

Magneto’s Lair:
[[Toad freaks out Senator Kelly because why the hell not?]]

Kelly – This only proves me right, you know.

Magneto – Eh, I don’t see it that way.  Now sit right here while I do something incredibly noticeable that no one notices with no immediately discernible effect.

X-Mansion:
Wolverine – I’m still hitting on you.

Jean – I’m dating Scott.

Wolverine – He’s a dick.

Jean – You’re only known him for like, four hours.  Why are you so mean to him?

Wolverine – Because Good Girls dig Bad Boys.

Jean – Damn you and your insidious use of tropes.

Scott – So, am I interrupting?

Jean – No.  We’re all fine here. [[leaves]]

Wolverine – I’m totally hitting on your girl.

Scott – Yeah, I knew that.  I don’t like you because you’re hitting on my girl!

Wolverine – Yeah, that pretty much sums up several decades of comic history.  Moving on.

X-Mansion (Later):
[[Wolverine is having a nightmare and for an entirely unexplained reason Rogue gets up to check on him and he stabs her when he wakes up (however, she doesn’t bleed); the only way either of them can think of to help her is for Rogue to take his healing powers, which everyone witnesses]]

Wolverine – Um, for the record, she came into my room.  Okay, is everyone clear on that?  I had nothing to do with her being in my room.

Magneto’s Lair:
[[Senator Kelly turns into some kind of jellyfish thing maybe and slides through his bars]]

Kelly – What did you do to me?

Magneto – I made you into a mutant so good luck with your escape attempt.  Sucker!

X-Mansion:
Bobby – You stole a mutant’s power.  You need to leave.

Rogue – Oh, I’m sorry.  I’ll go.

[[Bobby reveals himself to be Mystique]]

Mystique – Wow, it’s a good thing there isn’t an enormously powerful psychic around to notice a new mind entering his school…

Wolverine – Rogue’s gone.

Xavier – Ah, good, time for the exposition and montage for the use of Cerebro.  Pretty cool, huh?  Storm, Cyclops, you go get her.  Wolverine, you stay here because we know Magneto’s after you.

Wolverine – Dude, you are really bad at reading minds if you can’t figure out what I’m about to do. [[promptly steals Cyclops’ motorcycle and heads out; by the way, is it really a good idea to push odd buttons on strange vehicles?]]

[[And Mystique totally hacks Cerebro later without the enormously powerful telepath (we’re talking Shift freakin’ X powers; we’re talking “most powerful telepath in the world;” we’re talking “was just in Cerebro like ten minutes ago and therefore connected to every mind on the planet”) noticing!!!]]

Train Station:
Rogue – I steal people’s powers and they stay in my head.  It freaks me out.

Wolverine – Go back to the school.  It’s better there.

Rogue – Wow, you have a really soft heart underneath that gruff and handsome exterior.

Wolverine – None of that.  This is strictly a surrogate father situation.

[[Cue Sabretooth and Toad crashing the train station and Cyclops losing his visor and nearly destroying the place]]

Magneto – Right, now for my entrance.

Wolverine – Raarrrgh!!! [[stops in mid-air]]  Unh?

Magneto – You wouldn’t happen to have a metal skeleton, would you?

Wolverine – Er…

Magneto – And I am the Master of Magnetism, and apparently adamantium is magnetic.

Wolverine – I’m so #$&%ed.

Magneto – I didn’t want you any way.  I wanted the girl.  Alright, let’s blow this joint.

Sabretooth – No.

Magneto – Xavier, are you mind controlling my minions?

Sabretooth – Duh.  Like I’m going to be out in the open so you can kill me with shrapnel.

Magneto – Well, you let me go or I kill all these people.

Sabretooth – Damn it. [[Xavier releases control]]  Hey, that was weird, right?

X-Mansion:
Wolverine – What the hell, mind-reading dude?  You said he was after me!

Xavier – Magneto’s helmet blocks my telepathy.

Wolverine – Yeah, but Sabretooth, Toad, and Rogue aren’t wearing that helmet so why can’t you find them?  You have a machine that connects you to every mind on the planet!

Xavier – Um.  You know, that’s really never explained.  Huh.  I guess we’ll need a convenient plot device to discern Magneto’s plan.

Wolverine – You guys suck.  I’m going to find Rogue myself.  Because I’m a bad-ass loner.  [[Senator Kelly collapses on the doorstep before he can leave]]  Um, a little help here?

Xavier – Hey, a convenient plot device to discern Magneto’s plan.  Okay, so he’s going to turn everyone into mutants, except that will kill everyone.  But why does he want Rogue?

Cyclops – I’m going state the obvious…

Wolverine – And I’ll put it all together.  He’s going to use Rogue to power his machine.

[[Senator Kelly dissolves into water as Storm watches, and her entrance breaks up the impeding argument between Wolverine and Cyclops; unfortunately Xavier’s use of the hacked Cerebro leaves him unconscious]]

Jean – Time for me to do something that has been explicitly stated as very dangerous for me to do. [[uses Cerebro while Scott freaks out; luckily she does not go insane (yet) and figures out where Magneto is going]]

Ellis Island:
Rogue – Are you going to kill me?

Magneto – Yes, but to prove a point, so it’s all good.

Rogue – Yeah, I don’t agree with that all.

X-Mansion:
Cyclops – So here’s the battle plan montage.

Wolverine – Lame!  And your costumes are lame.

Cyclops – We’ve got a jet.

Wolverine – Okay, that is a sweet ride.

Cyclops – *frosty sigh*  You hit on my girl and you’re not a team player.  Swell.  Just swell.

Ellis Island:
Cyclops – We need to get to the torch.

[[the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants attacks; somehow Mystique makes metal claws and does not bleed profusely when the real Wolverine cuts them off]]

Toad – Hey, in case you missed it, I played Darth Maul in “Phantom Menace.”  Look at me remove the bar from this out-of-order elevator and trap Storm in a small space.  Too bad I don’t read the comics or I would know that’s a seriously bad idea.

Wolverine – So, I’m getting beat up by the blue chick?

Mystique – I know, right?  And it’s totally hot.

Wolverine – Yeah, it kind of is.  At least I’m not getting my metal ass kicked by Toad.

Jean/Storm/Cyclops – Gee, thanks.

Storm – [[busts out of the elevator]]  I will proceed to dispose of Toad with some of the worst dialogue ever uttered in a movie.  Believe it or not, I go on to win an Oscar.

[[Wolverine finally takes down Mystique by stabbing her in the gut which again does not bleed at all; they proceed to the top of the statue only to get captured by Magneto]]

Jean – Your machine kills people.  Senator Kelly is dead.

Magneto – Yeah, I don’t believe you.  I’m just trying to save mutantkind.

Wolverine – You’re an hypocritical ass.  If you really were that righteous, you wouldn’t be killing an innocent girl.

Magneto – Okay, so you all can die now.  [[leaves]]

[[Wolverine manages to cut himself out of the metal restraints even though from the angle he would have been trying to stab through his own shoulder-blades, which wouldn’t have worked because they are adamantium too; but anyway he gets into a brawl with Sabretooth while Magneto enacts his plan; in the end the fight is ended by a well-timed blast from Cyclops that sends Sabretooth sailing into the next county]]

Wolverine – Part of me is thinking maybe I shouldn’t be such a dick to you when I have seen the damage you can do when you want to.  But then again, I’m a bad-ass loner so I’ll continue to be a dick to you.  Save Rogue.

Cyclops – For reasons, I can’t.

Wolverine – Then send me up to that machine and I’ll do it. [[Storm and Jean do so]]

Magneto – Damn it, I’m not going to let you do that. [[puts up a magnetic force field]]

Wolverine – Wait a damn minute!  Rogue touched me for less than thirty seconds and I was out for hours.  You shoved every bit of power into her that you could and you’ve already got your power back!  What the hell?

Magneto – Yeah, sucks to be you.

Cyclops – Luckily I’m a really good shot when the plot demands. [[shoots Magneto allowing Wolverine to blow up the machine]]

Wolverine – Rogue!  Wake up!  [[touches her and finally she starts to drain his power which for an entirely unexplained reason causes him to un-heal all the wounds he has already healed up!  Which is totally stupid.  Meanwhile, Rogue’s only side-effect is a white streak in her hair]]

X-Mansion:
Xavier – Did I miss anything?

Jean – Only everything.  And Wolverine’s in bad shape.

Wolverine – [[wakes up]]  So, I’m still hitting on you.

Jean – Well, obviously you’re healed up now.  Rogue has a crush on you.

Wolverine – Yeah, well, I have a crush on someone else.

Jean – And this won’t be awkward or problematic at all.

X-Mansion (later):
Xavier – There’s an abandoned military base called Alkali Base if you insist on running off and doing your loner thing.

Wolverine – It’s what I do.

Storm – It’s nice of the news to show us that Mystique managed to escape and has taken Senator Kelly’s place.

Plastic Prison:
[[Xavier and Magneto are playing chess]]

Magneto – You know one day that law will pass and they’ll come for your children.

Xavier – I pity the fools who go to a school of super-powered children looking for trouble.

Magneto – Yeah, that does seem like a bad idea, actually.  But it’s going to be the plot of the sequel, you know.

Xavier – I know.  So let’s wrap this up and get to that sequel.

-fade-out-

Fifteen-minute Movie: Star Trek

or, “This is an Alternate Universe and Anything Could Happen Damn it!”
or, “I am Not Spock”

The final frontier:
[[A big hole in space complete with space lightning opens up near the USS Kelvin]]

Captain – Space lightning?  Seriously?

Science Officer – Yep, space lightning.  But I’m acknowledging it’s impossible.

Lens Flare – Hi everyone!

[[A mysterious ship emerges from the hole and blows the holy living hell out of the Kelvin]]

Nero – What’s up?  I’m jamming all your transmissions and transporting.  Send your captain over or I finish blowing the holy living hell out of your ship.

Captain – That Romulan is totally going to kill me.

George Kirk – Wait, we know what a Romulan is?  I thought they were introduced a bit later in the original series.

Captain – If you’re actually going to compare this to anything that happened in the original series or the previous movies, you are going to be really disappointed.

Kirk – But their ship doesn’t look Romulan and since when do Romulans have tattoos?

Captain – Don’t think too much about this.

Kirk – Duly noted, sir.

Lens Flare – Me again!

Captain – Kirk, you’re in command.  Evacuate everyone while I buy us some time.

[[The captain goes over to the Romulan ship where they conveniently speak Federation-lish]]

Nero – Give me Ambassador Spock and his little ship.

Captain – I have no idea who that old guy is or what you’re talking about.  What century are you from anyway?

Lens Flare – Cool!  Time travel and alternative universes.  That’s bold!

Nero – It doesn’t matter to you, only the audience.  And I’m going to kill you now. [[does so]]  Okay, blow up that ship.

Lens Flare – I’m over here!

Nero – Wait a minute, wait a minute.  Lens Flare, are you going to be doing this the entire movie?

Lens Flare – Pretty much.

Nero – Why are you here?

Lens Flare – To build dramatic tension!

Nero – But that’s what the script is for, and the actors are for.  Are you saying that instead of trusting in a good script and good actors to produce dramatic tension, the film-makers are going to opt for a cheap special effect?

Lens Flare – Pretty much!

Nero – *facepalm*  Fine, fine, let’s get back to the blowing up of things.

Lens Flare – Can do!

[[in the meantime, Kirk has given the evacuation order, which includes his wife who is, in a wacky sitcom hijink turn of events, going into labor with their first child]]

Kirk – Okay, if I just set this thing on autopilot I may still be able to get out of here… [[the autopilot is broken]]  “F@#&!  Even in the future nothing works!”  Self-sacrifice it is.

Mrs. Kirk – What?!?  ARRRGGGHHH!!  [[Lens Flare helps give birth to little Kirk; the Kirks agree on a name before the Kelvin smashes into the Romulan ship]]

Iowa (Really?  Looks kind of desert-y to be Iowa; damn global warming):
Li’l Kirk – “Head out on the highway, lookin’ for adventure…”

Cop – Hold it!  Hold everything!  I know that the filmmakers have to show Kirk is a badass.  I get that.  But how does “Kirk is a badass” get to the point of absurdity in which I am chasing down a ten-year kid who is driving a nearly three-hundred year old car!  There is so much suspension of disbelief required here I can’t even believe the filmmakers are asking this of their audience!

Li’l Kirk – I’m also about to wreck it spectacularly and not get so much as a scratch. [[does so]]  See?

Cop – I-I have no response to this.

Vulcan:
Vulcan Child – Hey, li’l Spock.  I’ll bet being half-human makes it easy to get you angry and violent, so I’m going to provoke you.  [[this works and li’l Spock ends up beating the hell out of him]]  Note to self: it is not logical to provoke an emotional being to anger and violence.

Li’l Spock – Dad, they said mean things about you and Mom.

Sarek – Because I am Vulcan, I will say something cryptic and unhelpful.

Vulcan (A bit later):
Venerable Council – Spock, you are accepted to the Science Academy.  Also, I will say this in the most dick-ish way possible.

Spock – How is it logical to be a dick for no good reason?

Venerable Council – You know, because.

Spock – Yeah, I think I’m going to join Starfleet.

Shady Bar (on a Utopian Earth?  Sure, Why Not?):
James Tiberius Kirk – Hey, you’re hot.

Lens Flare – You really are hot!

Uhura – Thank you for summing up my character in this film so succinctly.  Let me round that out by telling you to go to hell, you drunk frat-boy.

Kirk – If I was a drunk frat-boy, I’d be in a brawl by now due to my macho posturing.

Random Cadet – Hey, leave her alone.

Kirk – Oh, right, here we go. [[“and the man in the back said everyone attack/and it turned into a ballroom blitz;” which is broken up by Captain Pike]]  I would’ve had him if I hadn’t been blinded by Lens Flare over there.

Lens Flare – It’s my job!

Pike – Kirk, you can be a better man than this.  Your father was awesome and you have good test scores.  Clearly this means you’re meant to be a great leader.

Kirk – Seriously?  You’re giving me the generic wise mentor speech that we’ve seen in so many movies?  You don’t even know me.

Pike – It’s what I got.

[[This is enough to cause Kirk to join Starfleet and he ends up shipping out with Uhura’s class; also Bones is there and probably drunk]]

Starfleet Academy (three years later):
Kirk – I am so ticked off I can’t beat the Kobayashi Maru!

Bones – It’s supposed to be impossible.  Just get over it.

Kirk – Hell no! I’m James T. Kirk and I am always going to be winner!  [[Kirk proceeds to be the smuggest dick imaginable as he cheats his way to victory in the test and wastes the time of all his friends and future fellow officers and Lens Flare]]

Starfleet Academy, Board Room:
Board Member – Kirk, Commander Spock says you cheated in his test.

Kirk – I am going to act genuinely shocked that anyone would have thought I cheated even though I acted like the smuggest dick imaginable when I beat the test.

Spock – So you concede you cheated?

Kirk – Nope. I won.  I always win.  I’m James T. Kirk goddamn it!  You watch; I’ll get the Board on my side and they’ll graduate me.

Board Member – That will have to wait.  We just received a distress signal from Vulcan and as we have at least six ships docked nearby and apparently almost no other staff, you cadets are going out.

Kirk – Hey, my name isn’t on the list.  Even Lens Flare is getting on board.

Bones – Don’t worry, I’ll sneak you aboard because…well, you know what, I have no idea why but I do it anyway.

[[After a brief error with the anachronistic parking brake, the Enterprise takes off]]

Enterprise:
Kirk – Hey, that kid with the funny accent said space lightning!  It’s a trap!  I have to warn Captain Pike!

Lens Flare – Wait for me!

[[Kirk manages to make his way to the bridge with Bones and Uhura trailing after him.]]

Kirk – It’s a trap!

Pike – Why are you even here?

Kirk – I have to warn you…

Pike – No, not you, Lens Flare.

Lens Flare – I’m building dramatic tension for you!

Spock – Security, escort this man off the bridge, and I mean Kirk.

Kirk – What, Lens Flare stays and I go?  Hell no, pointy ears!  I’m right like I always am!  This is the same thing that killed my dad.  That ship is waiting for us!

Uhura – I am only here to confirm his story?  Really?  Fine, yes, I intercepted a transmission two days ago that supports his crazy story.

Pike – Okay, let’s put up shields in case something bad is waiting for us, like a debris field of our former fleet and a ship that blows the holy living hell out of us.  [[yeah, that]]  At least the shields are up.

Sulu – Are you sure?  I thought was just Lens Flare again.

Chekov – What good are the shields even doing?  The debris is scraping our hull!  Also, there appears to be a giant drill thing drilling into Vulcan!

Nero – Hey, Enterprise, what up?  Send your captain on over, okay?  Laters!

Pike – Well, I’m going to die.  Spock, you’re the new captain.

Spock – I accept this assignment with all due dignity and lack of emotion.

Pike – And Kirk’s your XO.

Kirk – Awesome!  And I didn’t even graduate!

Spock – What the hell?!?!?  I mean, what, sir?  He’s reckless, he’s on suspension, he’s insubordinate, and this is highly illogical!

Pike – Just go with it.  Kirk, Sulu, Red Shirt, you parachute out of the shuttlecraft to the drill platform and destroy it.

Red Shirt – What can possibly go wrong?

Drill Platform:
[[An exciting sequence follows in which Kirk, Sulu, and Red Shirt are in fact color-coded and plummet towards Vulcan and the drill platform with Lens Flare in tow; Red Shirt gets sucked into the plasma beam and Sulu is forced to cut his parachute before it retracts; then Romulans emerge and the fight starts]]

Romulan 1 – Why am I fencing with you?

Sulu – Because it’s awesome and a shout-out to the original series!

Romulan 1 – Seriously, why am I fencing with you?  I have a gun!

Sulu – Oh.  Then I have no idea. [[Kirk and Sulu dispatch the Romulans.]]  Damn it, Red Shirt had all the explosives.

Kirk – Wait, what?  This was an extraordinarily dangerous task that could have killed all of us, albeit unlikely.  Still, if the explosives aren’t cumbersome, why didn’t we all have enough to blow this thing?

Sulu – I have no idea.

Kirk – Well, hell, let’s use these guns the Romulans dropped and blow it up old school tommy-gun style. [[they do so]]  I’m sure that won’t endanger us at all… [[the platform disintegrates and Sulu falls off leaving Kirk to dive after him because apparently Starfleet has never heard of a back-up parachute]]  I’ve got you!  [[his parachute promptly breaks]]  What the hell?  Our tech sucks!

Lens Flare – Don’t worry, I’ll save you!

[[Actually, Chekov saves them despite some technobabble about how it’s dangerous to beam them while they’re in motion]]

Kirk – Ouch.  Well, at least we saved Vulcan.

Nero – [[drops the itty bitty bomb]]  Yeah, about that… No you didn’t.

Spock – Damn it!  Evacuate everyone!  I’m going to down to save the Vulcan Council at least.  [[Only a few members get squished as they escape the cave]]

Chekov – Don’t move or I can’t lock on!

Mrs. Sarek – Um, are you sure I can’t move to slightly more stable ground?  I mean, I know you’ll lose the lock but hopefully you’ll have a few more seconds to re-lock on me instead of me standing here hoping you beam me before the ground falls out from underneath me.

Chekov – Sorry, you can’t move.

Mrs. Sarek – Damn it.  [[falls to her doom prior to Chekov saving everyone else although Vulcan is pretty much hosed]]

Enterprise:
Kirk – We need to rescue Pike!

Spock – We need to meet up with Starfleet and work out a better plan.

Lens Flare – I’m here!

Kirk – You’re a jerk!  We have to rescue Pike and I’ll start punching people until I get my way!

Spock – And this clearly proves you are ready for command.

Kirk – Is sarcasm logical?

Spock – It’s not illogical.  Also, Vulcan neck pinch.  [[Kirk takes a little nap]]  Get him off my ship.

Turbolift:
Uhura – I’m really sorry. [[kisses him]]

Lens Flare – Hey, you two are actually dating?

Spock – Yes.

Lens Flare – But you were her teacher, and no place of academia allows a teacher to date a student, and now you’re her commanding officer, and no military allows this kind of fraternization with the subordinate staff.  I mean, I know this is supposed to be an enlightened century and all, but this still seems wrong.

Uhura – You can just shut the hell up while I tenderly comfort my man!

Not Hoth:
Lens Flare – Wake up!

Kirk – What the hell?  Did Spock actually throw me off the ship?  That jerk!  Just because I was insubordinate, violent, and unhinged doesn’t mean he actually had cause to discipline me!  Argh, so unfair!  [[Kirk heads out and eventually runs from monsters in a sight gag that actually made more sense in Star Wars I and finally stumbles into a cave and is rescued]]  Lens Flare, move.  I can’t see that guy’s face.

Lens Flare – Sorry!

Kirk – Yeah, that doesn’t help.  Who the hell are you?

Mysterious Man – You are James T. Kirk.

Kirk – I know who I am.  I don’t know who you are and I don’t know how you know who I am.

Mysterious Man – I’m Spock.

Kirk – Okay, trapped in an ice cave with a crazy man and Lens Flare.  This is shaping up to be one hell of a day.

Old Spock – Let me try telepathy; don’t worry, it’ll only trigger a flashback. [[does so]]

Flashback (Old Spock narrating) – 129 years from now, Romulus’ sun will become unstable.  I’ll promise to save them by using “red matter” to create a black hole to absorb their sun which in retrospect really just exchanges one problem for another.  I am, er, was, or will be, anyway, I didn’t get there on time and the sun exploded.  Nero happened to be there and chased me down.  I used the bomb to stop the sun explosion and ended up accidentally creating a hole in space-time.  Nero’s ship got through first and destroyed the Kelvin, then waited 25 years to capture me.  Nero took the remaining red matter and destroyed Vulcan as revenge against me.

Not Hoth:
Kirk – Okay, let’s assume all that made sense.  Now I know that Nero’s ship is over one hundred years more advanced than anything we have and he’s got this super-bomb stuff.  What do we do now?

Old Spock – First, don’t tell young Spock about me.  Time paradox and stuff.  Second, you have to be best buddies with Spock.

Kirk – We hate each other, so I don’t see that happening.

Old Spock – Damn it, you have to be best buddies!  There isn’t time to build up an actual emotional attachment between you two.  Okay, third, you have to command the Enterprise.  Make young Spock emotional.

Kirk – This is not going to make him want to be my best buddy here.

Old Spock – Worry about that later.  Finally, we’ll go find the Federation outpost which happens to have exactly the person we need to get out of here.

Federation Outpost:
Old Spock – Montgomery Scott.

Lens Flare – Hey, Scotty!  We’ve missed you!

Scotty – I know, right?  So I’m totally going to steal every one of the few scenes I’m in, okay?

Old Spock/Kirk/Lens Flare – Sounds good.

Scotty – Right, now, let’s try some highly experimental technology to beam onto a ship in warp that will never be used again!

Enterprise:
Spock – How in the hell did you beam aboard my bridge?

Lens Flare – Magic!

Kirk – You’re a jerk.  A jerky jerk uptight emotionless jerk who saw his mother and whole planet die and is acting like nothing’s wrong.  Boo hoo my planet is gone and I’m not sad at all.

Spock – KILL! [[tries to strangle Kirk]]

Kirk – Note to self: it is not logical to provoke an emotional being to anger and violence.

Spock – Oh, no, I am too emotional to be captain.  I will resign my command and leave the bridge.  [[does so]]

Kirk – Well, this makes me captain and we’re going to save Earth!

Lens Flare – Hi again!  I know what’s going on, but you don’t, and this guy just provoked Spock to make him step down so he could take over.  Doesn’t that seem suspicious to anyone else?

Everyone else – Nope.

[[Nero’s ship puts down the drill into San Francisco Bay as the Enterprise hides in Titan’s atmosphere so they can sneak up on the ship to beam Spock and Kirk and Lens Flare over or sabotage Nero’s ship and stop the drill]]

Nero’s Ship:
Lens Flare – Oooo, creepy!

Kirk – I’m going to kill Nero and save Pike!

Spock – I’ll stop the drill and then somehow we’ll get back to the Enterprise!  Hey, a ship in a ship that seems to recognize my voice commands.  Obviously we need to have a chat when we get out of this.  [[Spock steals Old Spock’s ship and blasts his way out to destroy the drill]]

Kirk – Nero!  Surrender!

Nero – Wait, really?  You’ve been nothing but brash and stupidly reckless this entire movie and now you decide to follow protocol and demand my surrender?

Kirk – It shows I’m maturing as a leader. [[he is promptly disarmed from behind and some random Romulan starts to strangle him]]  Note to self: maturity is overrated.

Nero – Ha!  Now you will witness my revenge!!!!

Kirk – Your revenge is lame.

Lens Flare – It is!

Nero – No, it’s awesome.  See, I imploded Vulcan and I’ll implode Earth too!

Kirk – Lame!  You have a ship that is more than one hundred years more advanced than anything in this time period.  You also know the exact day Romulus’s sun is going to explode because you were there!  Why the hell didn’t you go back to Romulus?  Your engineers could have taken this ship, reverse-engineered it, and given the Romulans a technological advantage so great they could have just conquered the Federation and everyone else!  And they could have started to try to save their sun or evacuate the planet since they have over a century to plan!  Instead you waited 25 years for Old Spock and now you’ve got the most powerful explosive in the galaxy, you still haven’t thought of going home to save your planet?!?

Nero – *blink blink blink*  You thought of all that?  Just now while watching the movie?

Kirk – Yeah.  It’s kind of obvious.

Nero – Damn it!  I’m insane! [[notes Spock’s ship goes into orbit]]  Follow him and kill that guy!

Romulan 2 – But he had a good point, actually. [[Kirk kills him]]

Kirk – Okay, you and me, cinematic fight!  [[the fight is inconclusive but not in Kirk’s favor]]  Um, I’ll go rescue Pike now. [[this he manages to do as Spock rams his ship into Nero’s]]

Enterprise:
[[Against all odds, Scotty manages to beam out all three people to safety presumably using a refined version of the technique Chekov used earlier.]]

Kirk – Okay, we’ll offer Nero and his crew another chance to surrender.

Lens Flare – Um, no one thinks maybe we ought to get out of here considering his ship is about to become a giant black hole?

Spock – It’s important for him to mature as a leader.

Nero – Go to hell!

Kirk – Okay, well, even though you’re going to die anyway, I’m going to open fire on you!

Lens Flare – But-but the black hole!

[[Nero’s ship is imploded and destroyed]]

Sulu – Sir!  The ship has turned into a huge black hole and is sucking us in!  I don’t think we can escape!

Lens Flare – Yeah, that!

Kirk – Scotty, you are contractually obligated to save the ship against impossible odds!

Scotty – Eject the warp core!  The explosion will push us away from the black hole and not tear us apart!  Probably!

[[This works and the Enterprise and Lens Flare escape]]

Earth:
Board Member – Even though you cheated on the test, stowed away on board the Enterprise, got thrown off the ship for mutiny, manipulated the captain into resigning so you could be captain, and in general behaved like a spoiled child who always gets his way, we’re graduating you with honors, the rank of captain, and giving you the Enterprise to command.

Kirk – Like I said, I am always right and I always win.

Earth, A Bit Later:
[[Old Spock meets young Spock]]
Spock – You’re me.

Old Spock – Yes.  Obviously I can’t talk to you too much, but here’s what you need to know.  I manipulated Kirk and you two need to be best buddies.

Spock – That is beyond illogical.

Old Spock – Damn it, be best buddies!  Trust me, it works out fine, or at least it did in the original six movies.  Live long and prosper and all that.

Space, The Final Frontier:
Old Spock – These are the reboots of the Starship Enterprise.  Its continuing mission is to exploit cheap dramatic tricks, seek out new lens flares and new CGI action sequences, and to predictably go where so many movies have gone before.

–fade out–

Fifteen-minute Movie – The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

or, “The Most Fun Sean Connery’s Had Since ‘Last Crusade‘”
or, “Also, Dorian Gray is the Spy”

Scrolling Exposition – Out with the old, in with the new, let’s get this movie started!

London, 1899:
Bobby 1 – Oy, laddies, wot is that?

Bobby 2 – Cor blimey it’s a metal movin’ box thing!  We should arrest it, mates!

Bobby 3 – I say, moving metal box thing, you should stop right now before you run over me and I get dreadfully cross.  Pip pip and all that my good fellow.

[[the tank, of course, does not stop nor does the bobby move; it continues to the Bank on London running over everything followed by cops and elects to blow up the vault door instead of just running through it like everything else]]

Minion – <We got all the money, Boss!>

Mysterious Masked Figure – <I’m not just here for money.  I’m here for the plot twists!>

Minion – <You’re not going to break into song, are you?>

Mysterious Masked Figure – <Um, no.  Why would you think that?>

Minion – <Because if that mask was white it would probably be a copyright infringement.>

Mysterious Masked Figure – <Shut up!>

Gentleman’s Club (not that kind), Kenya:
Sanderson Reed – I’m looking for Allan Quatermain.  I need him to help the British Empire from going to war.

Quatermain – I’m Quatermain.  Allan Quatermain.

Reed – Wow, okay, so that’s how this movie’s going.  Anyway, I need you to come back to London and help stop a world war.

Quatermain – Give me one good reason why.

Henchmen – We will!  We’ll try to kill you!

[[It turns out young, armored, armed henchmen are completely ineffective at killing one old man with bad eyesight and a mean right hook; the only one Quatermain doesn’t kill outright is wounded by Quatermain as he attempts to flee; he promptly kills himself]]

Quatermain – Damn it!

[[And the gentleman’s club blows up]]

Quatermain – Damn it!  I am running out of friends to outlive.  Fine, fine, I’ll go back to London and try to stop whoever’s behind this.

Secret Lair, London:
M – I’m ‘M.’

Quatermain – I have met M, and you are no M.

M – James Bond references, really?

Quatermain – The movie is full of literary puns and references.  This is only fair.

M – Fine.  So you are going to lead a team of extraordinary gentlemen to stop the Fantom, who’s trying to start a world war.  Of course, this is kind of misleading since not all of you are extraordinary nor are you all gentlemen as such, or, technically men at all.

Nemo – I am not a pirate.

Skinner – Yeah, but I am a thief.

Quatermain – Captain Nemo, what’s in it for you?

Nemo – That’s never going to be adequately explained.

Quatermain – Okay, fine.  I thought the Invisible Man was a scientist.

Skinner – He was, but I stole his formula.  Of course, it turns out there are a lot of downsides to being invisible and I’d rather like a cure.

Mina Harker – Excuse me, am I late?

Quatermain – Tell me that’s our secretary.

Harker – Wow, how enlightened.

M – She’s a chemist.  So, there are two more people you need to pick up and then you need to go to Venice to stop a bunch of world leaders from getting killed.

Run-down Bachelor Pad, London:
Dorian Gray – Go to hell, Quatermain.

Harker – Oh, Dorian, that’s so rude.

Gray – Mina!  I meant, come on in.

Quatermain – There’s a picture missing from your wall.  I mean, anyone familiar with Oscar Wilde or the comic will know what that means, but I’m pointing it out for everyone else.  Got that?  Dorian Gray is missing a picture.  This is absolutely important later.  There will be no foreshadowing in this movie at all about this particular plot twist.

Gray – Look, I’m really not interesting in your mission.  I just invited you in to flirt with Mina.

Quatermain – Yeah, I remember you from college.  You were kind of a jerk then.

Skinner – Hang on, how bloody old is this guy if you remember him from when you were young?

Harker – Join us, Dorian.  You’re needed.

Gray – Yeah, I’m thinking not, unless you can give me a very good reason.

[[suddenly the room erupts in gun-toting henchmen and the Fantom appears]]

Fantom – Join me or I kill you all.

Quatermain – Go to hell.

Gray – *sigh*  I sense I’m about to get my suit dirty.

[[the fight starts when a mysterious friendly henchmen shoots the other henchmen; Skinner drops his clothes to hide; Nemo and Harker take cover, Quatermain pulls out his trusty right hook, and Gray pulls out a sword to take on men with guns; naturally in all the ruckus the Fantom escapes]]

Henchmen – Hahahahaha!!  Never bring a knife to a gunfight! [[shoots Dorian repeatedly]]

Dorian – You ruined my suit!

Henchman 1 – *blink blink* Typically when I’ve riddled someone with bullets they really don’t care about the state of their clothes.

Dorian – Yes, well, I happen to care very much. [[stabs the henchmen and a well-placed ripping shirt shows the wounds closing over]]  I liked that suit.

Henchman 2 – Hey, look, I’ve taken the woman hostage.  Haha!  Everyone drop your weapons and no one gets hurt.

Harker – Oh, little man, I wouldn’t say that.  [[she goes into a bloody rage and rips into his throat and drinks his blood, then proceeds to fix her hair]]

[[The others stare in horror at what they have just witnessed]]

Harker – Oh, pardon me.  I appear to have made a bit of a mess.

Mysterious Friendly Henchman – I’m Thomas Sawyer, American Secret Service.  You can call me Tom.

Skinner – Forget that.  Mrs. Harker, what the bloody hell was that?

Harker – My husband and I, and a man named Van Helsing, tried to destroy an evil called Dracula.  I did not escape unscathed.

Nemo – Well, the Fantom will move quickly now.  Let’s go find the last member.  And look, I have an automobile!

Others – We have no idea what that word means.  This is 1899.

Nemo – Trust me, it’s awesome.  And then we’ll head to Paris in my submarine.

Others – Okay, we do know what that is.

Nemo – Yeah, but the Nautilus is way more awesome than any other submarine you’ve ever seen. [[it actually is]]

Paris:
Sawyer – What the hell are we doing again?

Quatermain – Hunting man!

Sawyer – Is this legal?

Quatermain – He’s a fugitive, and don’t kill him because we’re going to recruit him.

Sawyer – But he’s a giant monster!

Quatermain – Right now.  He’ll be better later.  And quit wasting bullets!

Sawyer – But it’s the American way!

[[Quatermain manages to capture Mr. Hyde; by the way, where in the hell did Hyde find a hat that size?  Are there a lot of novelty hat shops in Paris in 1899?]]

Nautilus:
Skinner – Boy, I thought I was a freak.

Hyde – You are.  I’m a monster!

[[kicks Skinner and Gray helps him up]]

Skinner – Hey, you obnoxious pretty boy, you just scratched the hell out of me for absolutely no good reason that the audience should pay attention to.

Gray – Yeah.  Weird.

Quatermain – Mr. Hyde, if you help us stop a world war, the Queen will pardon you and you can go back to England.

Hyde – I miss terrorizing London.  Fine, fine.  Hang on a second. [[a quick, painful looking CGI sequence follows, and the monstrous Hyde is replaced by a meek, shivering man]]

Quatermain – Welcome aboard, Dr. Jekyll.

Jekyll – Would anyone mind getting me some pants that fit?

Nautilus, On Deck:
[[Quatermain is doing some target practice, because what the hell else is there to do]]

Sawyer – You’re pretty good, old man.

Quatermain – And you’re pretty lousy, kid.  Here, let me teach you how to really shoot.

Sawyer – Sure, why not?  It’s not as though this will be relevant later.  So, are you really on this mission to help the Empire?

Quatermain – Hell no.  I’m really wondering if I can finally die.  I’ve buried pretty much everyone I’ve known and loved, including my son.

Sawyer – Dude, that sucks.

Nautilus, later:
[[Jekyll is creepily watching Harker in her chemistry lab]]

Gray – So, what’s up?

Harker – I’m just analyzing this powder Captain Nemo found in his control room.  It appears to be a component in flash powder.

Gray – So someone was taking pictures.  How suspicious.  Would you like a drink?

Harker – Sure.  And would you care to provide your origin story for people who aren’t already familiar with it?

Gray – Sure.  My magic picture has been stolen, which in no way makes me a spy.  Okay, I am totally not a spy.  Anyway, the portrait bears all of my sins for me, but I can’t look at it or it’ll kill me.

Harker – So why would having it stolen upset you so much?  It seems to me this makes it easier to prevent you from accidentally looking at it.

Gray – Oh, hey, look, I accidentally caused you to smash your glass.  Let me wipe up all that blood.

Harker – And then we should make out.  Or something.

[[Jekyll leaves]]

Hyde – Hahaha, loser.  Drink the formula and I’ll take care of that pretty boy.

Jekyll – You are evil!  No!  [[but not very much later]]  Then again, why the hell not.  Hey, one of the vials is missing.

Nautilus, Control Room:
Jekyll – I think Skinner stole my Hyde formula.  And he’s run off.

Nemo – Damn, so the invisible man is a spy in our midst and that is not an obvious red herring.  Well, we’ll have to get to Venice and try to save everyone anyway.

Venice:
[[Okay, everyone, time to lower the bar for suspension of disbelief; yes, the Nautilus can navigate the canals of Venice; just go with it]]

Quatermain – So we need to find those bombs.

[[The city starts blowing up]]

Nemo – We need stop those bombs by blowing up the next thing in the chain reaction.  Or something!  Here, take my automobile for a lively and thrilling chase through Venice!

Sawyer – Rock on!  Wait, how do I even know how to drive this thing?  Who cares!

[[The League, minus Jekyll who wants nothing to do with Hyde, and minus Nemo, tear down the streets and soon are being shot at]]

Gray – Drat it all.  I’ll need a new suit again. [[hops out to take out some guys]]

Harker – Did you know I can turn into a bunch of bats and kill all those guys on the rooftops?  [[she totally does that; incidentally, does anyone know why she elected to forgo her usual Victorian clothes for a leather and corset get-up generally associated with modern film depictions of vampires?]]

Quatermain – I’m going to go kill the Fantom while you keep driving this thing!  Don’t forget to signal Nemo to blow you up!

[[Quatermain tracks the Fantom to a graveyard and eventually unmasks him, revealing him as M but doesn’t manage to actually capture M; in the meantime, Sawyer does what he needs to do and gets blown up; also, in case anyone missed the perfectly obvious, Dorian Gray was the spy]]

Nemo – Yay, we’ve saved the city.  Is everyone still alive?

Harker – I can’t die.

Quatermain – I’m the star.

Sawyer – It turns out being American is apparently some kind of superpower and I am not dead.

Ishmael – But Gray is the spy!  He totally shot me! [[dies]]

[[And in case we still don’t get it, Gray escapes in a mini-sub thing and opens the window just to flip everyone off as he goes because he is totally the spy]]

Nemo – How did we not see that coming?  At least I can track the mini-sub!  Let’s go!

Sailor – Sir, I found this record in Gray’s quarters!

Nemo – Let’s play it.  I’m sure nothing bad can happen if we do that.

M (recording) – Hey gang.  If you’re listening to this, Gray is totally the spy!

Hyde – Oy, Henry, this is hurting my ears.

Gray (recording) – Dude, they know that.  I’m only the spy because you stole my picture.

M (recording) – You really felt the need to spell that out?  Anyway, there was no meeting in Venice.  All of this was a trick to get samples from each of you non-human types and steal Nemo’s steampunk technology.  I just needed Quatermain to catch Hyde.  I am totally going to make a fortune selling this stuff.  Also, I embedded a high-pitched frequency only animals can hear that is going to cause a bunch of bombs to blow up… right…now!

[[Cue explosions but it turns out Hyde is super-strong and really doesn’t want to die so he risks his life to save the whole submarine]]

Nemo – We lived!  But now we’ll never find them.

Sailor – I’m getting a message from Skinner.  He’s given us coordinates!

Nemo – That is really convenient.

[[For someone so forward thinking, M puts his headquarters in one of the few places in the entire world that can apparently be reached by a river deep enough for the Nautilus]]

Arctic Lair:
Quatermain – Skinner said he’d meet us here, so we wait here.

Skinner – Cor blimey I am naked in the snow.  Could someone get me a jacket already?

[[They devise a plan to rescue the hostage scientists, destroy the weapons, kill M, and blow up the fortress, hopefully in that order]]

Quatermain – Okay, everyone split up.  We need M alive, but you can kill anyone else if you need to.

[[Skinner goes off to plant explosives, Nemo and Hyde go to rescue the scientists, Quatermain and Sawyer go to fight M, and Harker heads for a showdown with Gray]]

Random Decadent Room:
Harker – Dorian, I’ve got beef with you.

Gray – Wow, that is not a very Victorian outfit.  I mean, I like leather, lace, and corsets, it’s not very period-correct, is it?

Harker – Shut up, traitor.

Gray – Mina dear, are you really so upset I betrayed you?  Let’s just live and let live.  I mean, what’s the alternative since we’re both immortal here?

Harker – Well, we can duel while you make lame puns until I remember how you told me exactly how to kill you.

Gray – Did I really do that?  That would have been very unwise.  Hopefully I know how to kill you first. [[he doesn’t and his made to face his inner demons (i.e., the picture) and ages to death as his picture turns whole and pretty again]]

Hostage Central:
Henchman – Stop them!  [[they open fire on Nemo’s men which works until Hyde goes all ‘Hulk-smash‘ on them]]  Two can play at that game! [[drinks Hyde formula]]

Hyde – Oh, this is not going to end well.  I sense a bad CGI fight about to happen here.  [[he’s right as Super-Hyde takes the stage]] Yeah, yeah, that’s what pain feels like alright.

Nemo – I can help. [[he gets thrown against the wall]]  Nope, nope, never mind.

Hyde – Just run for it.  He’ll transform back hopefully before he kills us!

M’s Quarters:
Sawyer – Hey, I think Skinner’s here, but I don’t know why he’s being all weird.  You go take out M.

Invisible Assassin – I’m not Skinner, moron.

Sawyer – This is a problem.

Quatermain – Hold it right there, Professor Moriarty.

M – You figured that out?  Really?

Quatermain – Apparently.  I don’t know why you didn’t die and I don’t actually care.  Give me the case with the biological weapons.

[[About this time the facility explodes; this allows Jekyll and Nemo to escape but throws a big crimp in Quatermain’s threats but he gets the upper right hook in on Moriarty anyway]]

Moriarty – If you kill me, my invisible assassin will kill young Sawyer.

Quatermain – Damn it!  [[shoots in the invisible assassin but gets stabbed by Moriarty who jumps out of a window and lands completely unscathed; somehow]]  My glasses are broken.  You take the shot, kid.

Sawyer – Will do.  [[takes Quatermain’s advice from earlier in the movie and kills M and the case falls into the frigid water]]  We win!

Quatermain – Good job!  [[dies]]

Kenya:
Sawyer – I’m really sorry he got killed.  I thought he said Africa would never let him die.

Harker – I guess he was wrong.  Now what?

Nemo – A sequel, maybe?  Action, adventure, whatever, let’s just do something fun.

Sawyer – Cool.

[[they leave and a tribal priest of some sort says a spell over Quatermain’s grave, implying he’s going to be resurrected; also, Dorian Gray was the spy in case you missed it]]

-fade-out-

Fifteen-minute Movie – G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

or, “Further Looting of my Childhood for Profit”
or, “And Not Even Good Looting at That”
or, “It’s Not Even as Good as Transformers!”
or, “But at Least There was No Stuttering”
or, “And I Could See What was Going On”
or, “But the Title Indicates a Sequel Will Be Produced!”
or, “Because We Really Need More Stupid Movies Based on ’80s Cartoons”

[[the movie starts with some backstory about the original Destro, who was a weapons dealing Scotsman in the 1600s who got caught and had his face sealed in a white-hot metal mask that totally didn’t kill him; the movie assures us this will be important later]]

MARS Co.:
McCullen – Okay, so I’ve developed this nanotechnology and made nano-tech warheads which needs to NATO.  I’m assuming the U.S. Army is capable of this delivery service?

Duke – Absolutely.  What could go wrong?

McCullen – Aren’t you supposed to sound kind of like John Wayne?  Or at least try to have a Southern accent or something?

Duke – Yeah, like kids these days know who the hell John Wayne is.

McCullen – And your partner is a Wayans brother!

Ripcord – You got a problem with that?

McCullen – I’m beginning to re-think giving up the role of the Doctor so I could act in movies.  I really don’t have a record of picking good ones here…

Ambush:
Duke – Ambush?  Wait, what?

[[Mysterious hi-tech mercenary terrorists ambush convoy with extremely advanced weaponry; things go poorly for the soldiers]]

Duke – Hey, I know the hot brunette in the tight outfit!  What’s she doing here?

Ripcord – Dude, focus!  We’re totally getting killed here!

[[Different mysterious hi-tech mercenary-types ambush the ambush with extremely advanced weaponry and manage to drive away the first group and save the nano-tech warheads]]

Mysterious Redhead – Give us the case.

Duke – Um, no.  I’m grateful you chased away that first group that was trying to take the case, but that doesn’t mean you’re the good guys, so I’m keeping this and will deliver it NATO as planned.

Mysterious Redhead – Fine, we’ll take you to our super-secret headquarters and explain to you why you should give us the case.

Duke – Yeah, because that’s totally what good guys do – kidnap soldiers.

Secret MARS Lair:
McCullen – Damnit, Baroness, you were supposed to steal the case of weapons so your stupid husband could weaponize them for me.

Baroness (hologram) – My husband happens to be brilliant and how is he supposed to weaponize something you already made as weapons?

McCullen – Just go with it.  Now, I’m going to send Storm Shadow with you, who despite his fashionable metrosexual appearance is actually a ninja.  I don’t like your husband and will kill him as soon as he his no longer useful to us.  And then we’ll go on a date.

Baroness (hologram) – That is so creepy and romantic.

McCullen – Just get the case back! [[hangs up hologram]]  Hello, scientist I am not naming because that is in no way an important clue, how goes your research?  What are you doing again anyway?

Mysterious Scientist with a Respirator – I’m utilizing venom from cobrasss to make all sssortsss of biochemical weapons, including sssteroids, ssshapessshifting, and mind control.

McCullen – That’s cool.

[[The Baroness and her cleavage make a brief appearance at a party to tell the audience her husband’s name is Baron DeCobray because this movie has all the subtlety of an exploding truck]]

The Pit:
Ripcord – Could someone please explain what the hell is going here?  Maybe, you, the mysterious  redhead with the gun-crossbow thing?

General Hawk – That’s Scarlett, the ninja is Snake Eyes, who doesn’t talk, and the big guy is Heavy Duty.  We’re a super-secret para-military force called the G.I. Joes.  Thank you for not dying like everyone else and protecting the warheads.  We’ll take these to NATO now and take you to the nearest Army base where believe me you are going to have a lot of paperwork to fill out.

Duke – I know the brunette who was leading the raid.

Hawk – Wait, what?  You know the Baroness?

Duke – I didn’t know she was a Baroness, but I knew her four years ago or so and she was a blonde then.  We were engaged; her brother was under my command.  He was killed in a raid and she disappeared.

Hawk – Well, that’s an important piece of intelligence which for some reason is enough for me to allow you to take the G.I. Joe training and see if you have what it takes to serve with us.

Ripcord – That sounds like a grueling and time-consuming training regimen.  Do we really have that much time?

Scarlett – It’s only one night.

Duke – Seriously?

[[Seriously; after just one night of various physical tests and shooting tests, they pass with the best scores ever and are made full Joes]]

Scarlett – You beat my record!

Ripcord – So?

Scarlett – I’m a perfectionist with daddy issues and that really bothers me!

Ripcord – Really?  That’s where the movie is going with this?  Why can’t you just be a totally kick-ass redhead in a tight outfit without the burden of a stupid backstory that doesn’t make any sense and no one cares about?

Scarlett – To prove this isn’t a mindless summer blockbuster?

Ripcord – Well, I’m not going to complain too much since it looks like we’re totally going to get together in this movie.

Duke – Hey, I thought Scarlett hooked up with me in the show!

Ripcord – Dude, you’ve got some weird love story with the Baroness.  Give me a break, already!

The Pit, Later:
[[The mysterious hi-tech mercenary terrorists who are never named as Cobra but I’m not going to keep typing out “mysterious hi-tech mercenary terrorists” when we all know they’re Cobra find the secret base via tracking device in the weapons case and use giant drill-machines to drill right into the Pit]]

Baroness – Wow, I would have thought such a hi-tech facility would have some sort of perimeter alarm.

Storm Shadow – That’s why we went through the walls.

Baroness – True, but shouldn’t there still be some kind of alarm because the walls have been breached and may be unstable?  Also, why aren’t there any cameras or any sort of security at all?

Storm Shadow – Just go with it.  Although I hope I run into someone because I need to prove I’m actually a ninja, damn it!

[[Eventually the Joes realize their base is being invaded and try to stop Cobra from getting the warheads; Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes get into a fight which prompts a flash back]]

Flash Back, Asia Somewhere:
Li’l Storm Shadow – Hey!  Homeless white kid!  You can’t just steal food because you’re starving!  I’m going to try to kill you now!

[[Li’l Storm Shadow does try to kill Li’l Snake Eyes until the sensai comes in and breaks things up]]

Sensai – Li’l Storm Shadow, you should be nicer.  I’ll take in the little mute boy and train him to be a ninja just like you.  You’ll have a friend.  Won’t that be nice?

Li’l Storm Shadow – I am totally going to kill you for this.

[[Li’l Storm Shadow totally kills his sensai which Li’l Snake Eyes witnesses, leading him to say the only word he ever says in the movie]]

The Pit, Again:
Storm Shadow – Wow, that establishes me as a homicidal maniac from a young age and establishes why you don’t speak.  This is also by far the most interesting story in the movie.  Have you got those warheads yet?

Duke – Ana, wait, no!

Baroness – Yep, although it would be nice if this blond guy I totally don’t know would quit calling me by a name I clearly don’t recognize.

Ripcord – How did they even find us?  This base is supposed to be secret!  It’s like they had a tracking device or something totally obvious like that!

[[Cobra heads on out with the nano-tech warheads; the Baron weaponizes the weapons as expected and then Storm Shadow kills him; then Cobra threatens to destroy Paris; presumably afterwards McCullen will take the Baroness out to dinner and a movie (but not in Paris, clearly)]]

Paris, France:
Heavy Duty – Could anyone explain to me why the new guys are the only ones that get power armor here?  This seems really unfair.

Duke – Yeah, I know, because this is totally awesome!  Let’s fight!

[[Cobra and the Joes fight and the Joes seem oddly unconcerned with death of innocent bystanders or property destruction, but it doesn’t matter because Cobra unleashes the nanobot things which destroys the Eiffel Tower and then they escape, capturing Duke in the process and the rest of the Joes are arrested for terrorism; on the bright side, the Joes manage to put two and two together and come up with McCullen as the guy who lead Cobra right to them]]

Cobra Arctic Lair Set, Lab:
Duke – Oh, man.  Hey, who are you creepy guy with the face mask and where’s the Baroness?

Mysterious Scientist with Respirator – You don’t recognize me?  And you can’t see the totally obviousss plot twissst?

Duke – Um, yeah, no, I got nothing.

Mysterious Scientist with Respirator – Maybe a brief flashback will help.

Flashback 2, the Doomed Raid:
Duke – Okay, Rex, I need you to go inside that bunker where it’s safe!

Rex – No problem!  [[does so]]

[[Random and poorly understood violence happens and despite Duke’s best efforts, the bunker is blown to pieces]]

Duke – Oh, no!  My fiancee’s little brother has been killed on my watch!  She’ll never forgive me!

Cobra Arctic Lair Set, Lab:
Duke – I knew that part.  Wait, unless Rex didn’t actually die, and you’re actually Rex!

Rex – You’re not much of a thinker, are you?

Duke – But why are you evil?

Rex – Oh, it’s turnsss out there was thisss guy called Doctor Mindbinder trapped in the bunker with me after the explosion.  He turned me to evil and helped me keep me alive until I could get this ressspirator.

Duke – That actually makes sense.  I mean, how could you not end up evil when you were trapped with some guy called Doctor Mindbender?

[[Rex leaves briefly and the Baroness sneaks into the lab to free Duke]]

Duke – Ana!  I thought you didn’t remember who you were!

Baroness – Yeah, well, seeing you brought back memories, so I’m getting you out of here.

Rex – Hey!  You can’t do that!  I injected you with mind control nanobots!

Baroness – You what!  You little brat!  I’m going smack you so hard our mother’s going to feel it… [[Rex causes her to faint]]

Duke – Dude, that’s your sister!

Rex – What part of me being evil don’t you get?  Now, I’ll do horrible things to you!

Duke – Or the Joes will come rescue me.

Rex – Yeah, like that’s going to …[[cue explosion]]  I hate you.

[[The Joes, who followed Duke through a poorly explained plot device, I mean, tracking signal, go to bust up the base, but Cobra launches a bunch of missiles to destroy major cities]]

Ripcord – We’ll have to blow up the missiles in mid-air!  Luckily I am a highly trained pilot and can do that!

Duke – I’m going to rescue my financee!

McCullen – She’s my girl whether she likes or not! [[tries to kill Duke but ends up with horrible burns on his face, causing him to flee]]

Storm Shadow – And I’m going to fight my nemesis again!  [[he fights Snake Eyes, who ends up stabbing him and dumping him in the frigid Arctic waters so he’s probably dead, but then again, maybe not]]

McCullen – Oh my face!

Rex – I’ll fix it. [[injects him with nano-bots, which turns his face into metal]]

McCullen – You jerk!  You didn’t have to make my face all metal like my evil ancestor!

Rex – Yeah, that’ssss true, but I am evil.  You can call me Cobra Commander and I’m going to call you Dessstro!

McCullen – Whatever.

[[the Joes blow the joint and manage to capture the fleeing Cobra while Ripcord takes out the missiles]]

USS Flagg:
Duke – So, we win, right?  I get the girl, Ripcord gets a girl, and Cobra’s in custody.

Zartan – Sure, except that the whole missile thing was a ruse so I could shapeshift and take the place of the President of the United States.

Duke – Well, it doesn’t matter.  We’ll just defeat you in the sequel.  Yo Joe!

-fade out-

Fifteen-minute Movie: The Phantom

or, “Diana Gets Kidnapped a Lot”
or, “A Pulp Romp that Just Didn’t Come Together”

Actual Ghost of Phantom’s Dead Father (Narrating) – Okay, let’s get this exposition and backstory over with.  Four-hundred years ago the Sengh Brotherhood of pirates attacked a British ship and killed everyone but one little boy who washed ashore.  The natives immediately rescued the boy, endowed with a skull-shaped ring, and made him their protector.  I realize that may sound kind of racist, but please remember this is based on pulp comics from the 1930s.  Each time a Phantom gets killed, his son steps up as the new Phantom.  And here’s where we get to my kid…

Bengalla Jungle, 1938:
Quill – Where the hell are we going again?

Thug 1 – The kid we kidnapped says we’re going in the right direction but we’ll have to cross a rickety bridge that may not hold the weight of the truck.

Quill – Just to prove what a total douche-bag I am, we’ll cross the bridge on foot and make the kid drive the truck.  Then we’ll tie the kid up so we’ve got him to drive back later. [[does so and they head into the jungle]]

Hidden Native – In theory, I could shoot some poison darts or something at these strangers to stop them from entering a haunted/sacred cave.  Or, you know, not.  I’ll go get help or something.

Haunted/sacred cave:
Thug 2 – So what are we looking for?

Quill – A skull.

Thug 3 – Dude, this whole place is covered in skulls!  It’s like the freakin’ Catacombs of Paris in here. I  am literally standing on skulls!

Quill – A silver skull, idiots, not a human skull.

Thug 4 – Oh, you mean this one by the upright skeleton?  [[tosses it to Quill only to have the skeleton come to life and strangle him despite Quill’s attempts to shoot it]]

Thug 1 – What happened?!

Quill – This skeleton strangled him!

Thug 2 – That seems unlikely, boss.  I mean, we heard shots and everything.

Thug 3 – And if that’s true, are you sure you should be taking that skull?

Quill – Shut up and let’s go.

[[A mysterious figure wearing purple spandex and riding a white horse being trailed by a wolf pursues the bad guys; please do not ask what the hell a horse and wolf and spandex are doing in a jungle]]

Thug 2 – Who the hell is the weird guy in purple?

Quill – A guy I already killed!  Seriously, I totally killed him!

[[the Phantom manages to take out the unnamed thugs but Quill stabs the Phantom and escapes and the Phantom elects to save the kid tied up in the back instead of going after Quill; one nerve-wracking and slightly goofy rescue later (who knew that ropes strong enough to hold a truck upside-down aren’t strong enough to hold a whole bridge), the Phantom and the kid are safe but the bridge is a lost cause]]

Skull Cave:
Servant – Please stop getting yourself stabbed, Ghost-Who-Walks.

Christopher “Kit” Walker – Eh, it happens.  Anyway, this provides a great excuse for me to walk around without a shirt.  Also, allow me to provide some exposition about that stolen skull and how it pertains to the plot.

Actual Ghost (the Narrator) – Do you think you could have delivered that exposition any more woodenly?

Kit – What do you want?  I had a bad day.  I got stabbed.

Actual Ghost – Well, we all make mistakes, son.

Kit – I also lost one of the three magic skulls that when united would make the wielder powerful enough to rule the world.

Actual Ghost – You idiot!  You better go get that back!

Servant – Sir, are you alright?  You’re talking to no one again.

Kit – I’m having a really bad day.

Jungle Patrol:
Thug 2 – We were attacked!  By a ghost!  A ghost who walks!

Lt. – Do you think the rumors about the Phantom are true?

Captain – Of course not!  How could they possibly be true?  That’s crazy talk.

New York City, Swanky Party:
[[Diana Palmer returns from adventuring on a night her uncle is giving a charity fundraiser]]

Uncle Palmer – I’m so glad to see you, honey!  Also, there’s a guy here who’s going to hit on you!

Diana – And my aunt here wonders why I spend all my time adventuring.

Aunt Palmer – Yes, well, you could bother to dress better when you show up.  Oh, Xander Drax is here.

Uncle Palmer – And he can just get the hell out of here again.

Drax – What?  Why?  I don’t understand your hostility towards me, or all the reporters you have following me around.  It’s as though you think my smarmy demeanor and overall sleeziness indicates I might be a bad guy or something.

Uncle Palmer – Yeah, or something.

New York City, Swanky Party, Later:
Uncle Palmer – So this is why Drax is a bad guy.  He’s going to steal these magic skulls and take over the world.  I need to get this important message to the Bengalla Jungle Patrol but I can’t leave now.

Diana – I’ll go!  I should be perfectly safe as long as one of these two guys isn’t a stoolie for Drax.

Mayor – Um, yeah…that… [[he promptly tattles to Drax]]

The Ocean, Somewhere:
[[Diana’s plane has been forced down by sky pirates]]

Sala – Okay, we just want Diana Palmer.  She steps forward or we kill everyone.

Diana – I’m Diana.  And I’m going to pull off your mask so I can see who I’m dealing with.

Sala – And I’m going to let you so the audience can see I’m a sexy lady sky pirate captain.  Then I’m going to knock you out. [[does so]]

Skull Cave:
Servant – Diana Palmer’s been kidnapped, Ghost-Who-Eavesdrops-On-Radio-Traffic!

Phantom – Really?  I know her!  Better go save her.

Servant – I hope this works out better than your last mission…

Bengalla Seaport:
Quill – Okay, time for the threats, Diana.  And I’m going to creepily hit on you.

Diana – Yay.

Sala – I’ll hit on you too.

Diana – I-I am confused by that.

[[Phantom sends Devil the wolf to scout ahead and apparently no one notices a wolf hanging around, then drops into rescue Diana]]

Phantom – I’m here to rescue you!

[[group of stunned and half naked ladies stare at him]]

Phantom – Sorry, wrong room. [[steps out and manages to interrupt Sala’s petty theft of Diana’s boots]]  I’m here to rescue you!  Hey, another lady pirate?

Sala – I hire only women to work for me.

Phantom – That’s-that’s totally hot, actually.

Diana – Hello, she’s got a gun!

Phanton – Yoink! [[takes gun]]

Sala – I like a man with good reflexes.  [[kisses him]]  Shall I show you around the ship?

Diana – [[now freed, she punches out sexy lady sky pirate captain]] Honestly, can we escape now?

Phantom – Oh, right, that, sure.  Follow me.  No, seriously, I get that you’re spunky and all, but please just stay back and follow me.

Diana – Whatever.

[[they promptly get captured]]

Quill – I totally killed you!  I’ve got the scar on my face!  How are you still alive?

Phantom – I’m a ghost?

Quill – Whatever, I’ll kill you again.

Devil – Rawrrr!! [[jumps on Quill, which somehow gives Phantom the strength to throw off the three guys that had been holding him; Diana breaks free and they escape in a seaplane that of course gets shot full of holes while the bad guys pursue in a jeep and with some guys on horses because why the hell not, I guess]]

Devil – <Master took off in a plane!  We need to catch up to him!  He’ll need us!>

Mr. Ed (I guess) – <How the hell am I supposed to catch up to a plane?!>

Devil – <It’s a movie!  You’ll be fine!> [[the animals race off]]

Phantom – Uh-oh, we’re out of gas.  I sure up my trusty horse shows up so we can jump off this plane and ride away to safety!

Diana – What?  There is no way that’s going to happen!

[[Actually, it does but then the bad guys come bursting out of the jungle from a completely different direction the plane was flying in and chase Phantom on horseback, which works until some natives helpfully capture two of them]]

Skull Cave:
Phantom – Hey, I’ve got a present for you, woman I just met and have no prior relationship with in any way.

Diana – I find that touching and not creepy or suspicious at all.

Captain – Ah, the Ghost-Who-Stalks.  So, you rescued the heiress?  Good, good.  Now, what was the message?

Diana – This piece of paper with a spiderweb thingy.

Captain – The Sengh Brotherhood!  This is really bad!

Phantom – Yeah.  Get Diana back to safety.  I’ll follow up this lead.

New York City, Drax’s Office:
Drax – So, everyone, you can see from my fabulous slideshow that the real money can be made in plastics, and world domination.

Mayor – You really think we needed a marketing slideshow to be convinced to go along with your plan?

Mob Boss – It was lame.  I’m out of here.

[[Drax kills him with a handy-dandy spear]]

Drax – Wow, that just makes my shoulder hurt.  Anyone else unimpressed with my master plan?

Others – Nope, we’re good.  That was awesome.  Sign us up.

New York City, Uncle Palmer’s Newspaper:
Kit – Hey, Diana, long time no see.  I’m in town because I, um, felt like it.

Diana – That’s convincing.  You totally left me, you jerk.

Kit – I, er, had stuff to sort out.  Anyway, we need to find that silver skull.

Annoying Suitor – There’s a green skull in the history museum.  Is that close enough?

NYC, History Museum:
Diana – Well, my uncle knows the curator… [[Kit smashes the glass and grabs the skull]]  Or you could just do that.

Drax – I’ll take that!

Kit – How the hell did you get in here?  I mean, seriously, you were literally not here two seconds ago!

Drax – Yeah, weird, isn’t it.  Okay, people, nothing to see here except for the crazy light show the two skulls put on as their laser eyes point out the location of the third skull.

Quill – Wow, it’s really handy that this place has a partial world map that happens to be of just the part of the world where the third skull is.

Drax – You are killing my buzz here.  Go kill this guy I don’t even know and we’ll kidnap Diana again.

Diana – What?  Why?

Sala – The Phantom rejected me, and I’m totally hot, therefore he must totally be into you.  So we keep you as a human shield.

Diana – Feh.  If you cared about someone, you wouldn’t be evil.  Or something.

Sala – Your oddly worded and poorly delivered guilt trip makes me re-consider my life.

Quill – Boring!  C’mon, sexy ladies, I want to see a cat fight!

Sala – I’m up for that.

Drax – We don’t have time for that right now!  Just go kill this guy, what’s his name, whatever.  Move it already.

[[naturally enough, Kit gives the bad guys the slip, changes clothes (where the hell was he keeping his Phantom outfit anyway unless he’s the Ghost-With-A-Pocket-Dimension) and manages to hitch a ride on the airplane with Drax and Co. as they head to the Devil’s Vortex, which sounds like the name of a tile in “Forbidden Island“]]

Devil’s Vortex:
Drax – Wow, this uncharted island is great!  It looks like an old-fashioned pirate lair complete with a moat of hungry sharks!

Sala – Someone is going to get eaten by sharks and I do not want it to be me.  Diana, we should team up or else we’re not making it out of this alive.

Diana – Your inevitable betrayal of Drax works for me!

Sengh – Hey, dumb-ass, the pirate lair is full of pirates, and I’m the boss.  Who the hell are you?

Drax – Xander Drax.  Wow, that’s totally not having the awe-inspiring effect on you that I imagined.  Here, let me spell it out for you.  My names begin and end with ‘x’ and I am seriously awesome.

Sengh – I am physically incapable of looking any more disdainful of your ridiculous posturing.  Kill them all.

Quill – Wait!  I’m a member of the Sengh Brotherhood!  See the tattoo!  Also, I’ve killed the Phantom.

Sengh – Fine, fine, you live for now.  And we’ve all killed the Phantom, except for Phil in accounting, and that’s because he doesn’t get out much.  Why are you here?

Drax – I want that shiny gold skull you’ve got so I can unite the three magic skulls and rule the world.  You can help, you know, on weekends and stuff.

Sengh – If it were that easy, we would have done it already.  You need the fourth skull or the power will destroy you.

Drax – Whoa, there, what fourth skull?  There’s been no mention of this anywhere in the movie.  Surely you’ve heard of Chekhov’s Law?

Sengh – I am so not interested, but I’ll take the pretty blonde.

Diana – Ugh!

Phantom – I’ll save you!  [[thus starts a fight with the pirates as Drax waits for his moment to get the skull, Diana and Sala team up in a sexy lady duo, and Phantom feeds Sengh to the sharks because someone was going to get fed to sharks, but in the end Drax gets the skull]]  Okay, ladies, get in this mini-sub missile thing and I’ll stop Drax and Quill and follow you in a minute!

Sala – That doesn’t make any sense!

Diana – It’s better than staying here!  Probably! [[they get launched]]

Quill – I killed one Phantom and I’m going to kill me another!

Phantom – That was my father!

Quill – Wait, that’s the secret?  The Ghost-Who-Walks actually dies and his son takes over, over and over again?  You’re really just Dude-Who-Inherits-Purple-Tights?  Wow, that sure will take away from your reputation when I get back and tell everyone!  Because I’m assuming I totally live through this!

Drax – These laser beams are awesome!  [[Accidentally incinerates Quill]]  That’s still pretty awesome!  And now I’ll kill you!

Phantom – You know that thing the pirate said about the fourth skull?

Drax – I really wasn’t listening to him because it didn’t seem relevant at all.

Phantom – Oh, well, it is kind of relevant because it turns out I have this skull ring.

Drax – You’re going to fight me with that?  That’s unbelieveable!  [[unbelievable or not, that’s exactly what happens and Phantom manages to push the laser beams right back at Drax, who explodes]]

Phantom – Man, I love me these deus ex machinas.  Oh, hey, better catch that sub thingy! [[does so and is pulled to safety as the island explodes, taking the three magic skulls and a bunch of pirates with it]]

Sala – So we’re out in the middle of nowhere near the remains of an uncharted island in an area of the ocean specifically known for downing ships. How are we getting out of here again?

Phantom – Hey, next scene!

Bengalla Jungle:
Sala – What?  Hey, a seaplane.  Okay, well, whatever, I guess.

Diana – So, Kit, when are you going to tell me your identity?

Phantom – Er, so you guessed.  If I take my mask off, we have to get married.

Diana – Okay. [[he takes his mask off and they kiss]]

Phantom – Right, and now you go back to New York with the sexy lady sky pirate captain and I’ll stay here and be superhero-y and stuff.

Diana – What about getting married?

[[Diana and Sala fly off as Phantom rides through the forest/jungle looking manly]]

Actual Ghost (Narrating) – For those that came in late, my idiot son managed to let two totally awesome women get away from him, but luckily Diana had the sense to eventually come back and make him settle down and have little Phantoms.  Also, it was nice he avenged my death.  So I guess he did okay after all, except for, well, acting.

Fifteen-minute Movie – The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

or, “Tales of Middle-Earth, Part 1 of 3, With Some Stuff Concerning a Hobbit”

Hobbiton (Present):
Frodo – Hi Uncle Bilbo!

Old Bilbo – Why are you here?

Frodo – To establish continuity with the Lord of the Rings trilogy.  Okay, I’m going away now to meet Gandalf!

Old Bilbo – I guess I better write down all my adventures before the party tonight.  Well, I don’t have a lot of time before Gandalf gets here so I’d better make sure this is brief and to the point.  So of course I’ll start with the history of the dwarves…

Erebor (Way Far Flashback):
Old Bilbo (narrating): So once upon a time the dwarves had an awesome kingdom called Erebor in a lone mountain by a town of men called Dale.  They mined, which was cool, and they found a really awesome gem that the king stuck in his throne for some reason.  Dwarves.  Anyway, everything was great until this one very bad day…

Thorin – My dwarf-sense is tingling.

Random Dwarf – Just because the wind died and the weather turned ominous doesn’t mean something awful is going to happen…

Thorin – DRAGON!!!

Random Dwarf – Wow, boy was I wrong.

[[many a dwarf gets incinerated, chomped, crushed, smashed, or otherwise killed but a lot get out including the old king; also, just for kicks, the dragon takes out Dale because dragons are #@$%ers like that]]

Random Dwarf – Why is there an army of wood elves waiting on that ridge?

Thorin – To help us fight the dragon!

Random Dwarf – Erm, no, that doesn’t make any sense.  To have an army here now they would have mobilized days ago.  The dragon took us completely by surprise and showed up like two hours ago!  There hasn’t been enough time to send for help much less have an army show up!

Thorin – Well, they’re turning their backs on us anyway so I’m going to hate elves forever.

Random Dwarf – Okay, look, even if their being here to help made any sense, what are they going to do against a dragon if our entire kingdom couldn’t do anything except get killed in myriad ways?

Thorin – Let’s not talk sense and just move on.

Hobbiton (Flashback but not So Far Back as the Erebor Flashback):
Bilbo – Ah, it’s a lovely day.  Please note that while I am not Ian Holm, I’m doing a pretty good impression.  Don’t you think, old guy dressed in grey?

Gandalf – I’m going to be a bit of a dick to you before telling you my name because wizards do that.

Bilbo – Gandalf?  Oh, the fireworks guy?  See how I established continuity with LOTR?  So what brings you by?

Gandalf – I need your help for an adventure.

Bilbo – Hobbits don’t go on adventures or do anything remotely interesting ever.

Gandalf – You are going on an adventure!

Bilbo – Absolutely no thank you but do drop in for tea something.  Thank you good morning. [[slams door]]  That was close!   I almost had something possibly interesting nearly happen in my life!  I think I need a snack to get over the shock.

[[Later a whole bunch of dwarves show up at Bilbo’s house with no explanation; they tuck in and eat all his food and drink all his beer; Bilbo show his displeasure by refusing to change out of his dressing gown]]

Bilbo – I am very cross!  Why the hell are you guys at my house anyway?

Gandalf – I invited them over.  This is their leader, Prince Thorin Oakenshield.  And these other guys are, um, Old Dwarf Who Is Balin Probably, Kili, Fili, um, Crazy Hat Dwarf, and, well, anyway, their names aren’t important.

Other Dwarves – Hey!

Gandalf – What’s important is you know who Thorin is and that you are going on an adventure!

Bilbo – Okay, well, Thorin has quite a distinct noble countenance but I’m not going on any damn adventures and I’ll thank you to finish up and leave!

Thorin – We’ll sing a traditional dwarven ballad and you’ll change your mind, although I’m not sure why we want you to come along anyway.

Gandalf – He’ll make a good burglar, although without the backstory in the book and no narration to explain, it doesn’t really make any sense why I think that.

Bilbo – And if you think some song is going to make me change my mind… [[the dwarves sing a sad ballad lamenting their lost kingdom]]  …that might do it.  Let me see that adventuring contract.  [[reads over the contract]]  Dragon!  How on Middle-earth do you expect to kill the dragon?!?

Old Dwarf Who is Balin Probably- Eh, he’s probably dead.

Bilbo – But what if he’s not?  Listen, 14 may be a lucky number but it’s going to be worth squat against a dragon!

Old Dwarf Who is Balin Probably – We’ll think of something.

Bilbo – [[does the only sensible thing and passes out; later he comes to]]  I am so not doing this.

Gandalf – You so are or there’s no movie.

Bilbo – Really?  I was getting the impression this movie was more about that dwarven Aragorn stand-in than me.

Gandalf – No, no, it’s really all about you.  It says so in the title.  So I’m going to make some inspiring speech about how you can be more than you are and how this adventure will do you good.

Bilbo – I’m sorry, did you miss the part about the dragon?

[[however, despite all common sense Bilbo decides to join the adventuring party]]

Bilbo – Hey, don’t tell me we have to walk to the Lonely Mountain?

Thorin – Hell no!  There will be no damn walking.  We are so done with walking through Middle-Earth.  So, we have ponies, which is not lame because as dwarves we really aren’t quite big enough to ride horses, so this is the only practical way to go.

Bilbo – Riiiiight.  So, Gandalf, are you going to kill the dragon?

Gandalf – Hell no.

Bilbo – Um, are there any other wizards, you know, ones that could actually kill a dragon?

Gandalf – No.  I’m the best you’ve got.  And speaking of other wizards…

Greenwood Forest:
[[…let’s meet Radagast the Brown who did not appear in this book but is in this movie and while he did appear in the book “Fellowship of the Ring” did not appear in that movie]]

Radagast – There’s blood and dead animals everywhere.  That never happens in a forest!  Also, I have bird crap all over my face!

[[Radagast proves he’s both powerful and crazy by using powerful magic to heal a sick hedgehog of all things and then goes to find the source of evil in the forest, which he finds]]

Radagast – I have to go tell someone about this evil living in my forest!  This so urgent I don’t have the time to wash the bird crap off of my face!

Burnt-out Farm:
[[Thorin and Co. commence with the leisurely ride through Middle-Earth which sadly does not go much faster than walking; everything seems to go pretty well until they decide to camp at a burnt-out farm for the evening]]

Gandalf – This is not a good place to camp.

Thorin – Whatever.

Gandalf – Fine, you stubborn dwarf!  I’m leaving!

Thorin – Fine!  Be that way!

Bilbo – Is there any particular reason they’re fighting like this?

Old Dwarf Who Is Balin Probably – Prince Thorin has some serious issues.  I’ll relate them to you now.

Bilbo – Don’t tell me this is going to another flashback.

Old Dwarf Who Is Balin Probably – Okay, I won’t tell you that.

Moria (Flashback):
Old Dwarf Who Is Balin Probably (narrating) – So after the dragon chased us out of Erebor, we decided to re-take Moria because it seemed like a really good idea at the time to decimate our already decimated population.

Bilbo – Wait, wait, I thought in the books only Thorin’s crazy dad went into Moria.

Old Dwarf Who Is Balin Probably – Just shut up and listen, okay?  So the whole group of dwarves went to reclaim Moria and Thorin’s grandfather got killed by the pale orc Azog and his dad went crazy.  Thorin tried to avenge his grandfather which is how he got the nickname “Oakenshield” but he only maimed Azog and didn’t quite kill him.

Bilbo – That’s pretty tragic.  Good thing we don’t have to worry about that Azog guy.  I mean, that was decades ago and I’m pretty sure there was no orcish vendetta thing in the book.

Old Dwarf Who Is Balin Probably – Sure, you keep thinking that.

Burnt-out Farm, Later:
Bilbo – Hey, Kili and Fili, I brought you some food.

Kili/Fili – Hey, you did learn our names!

Bilbo – No, I actually just guessed because I vaguely remember in the book Kili and Fili were the youngest and often were used as scouts.  I actually have no idea which one of you is which.  Besides Old Dwarf Who Is Balin Probably and Crazy Hat Dwarf, for all I know those other guys might be named Sleepy, Happy, Dopey, Grumpy, Sneezy, Doc, and Bashful.

Fili/Kili – Well, it’s a long movie, so I’m sure you’ll figure out who we all are.  By the way, our ponies have been stolen by trolls so you as the burglar have to go free our ponies.

Bilbo – What?!?

Kili/Fili – That’s what we hired you for.

Bilbo – I knew I should have read the fine print.  [[he sneaks into the troll encampment and finds three trolls; of course he totally fails to free the ponies and ends up getting all the other dwarves captured]]

Thorin – If we live through this, I’m going to kill the burglar.

Bilbo – No, no, I’ll fix this.  I know!  I’ll distract the trolls by causing them to fight amongst each other.

Thorin – And then what?

Bilbo – I don’t know but you won’t get eaten right away, okay?

Troll 1 – We aren’t going to fall for that old trick.  We aren’t stupid.  [[yes, they are that stupid and yes, they do fall for that old trick]]

Gandalf – Right, now to get all the XPs for the troll kill.  [[cracks open a rock to reveal sunlight which turns the trolls to stone]]  And now let’s loot the stash!  [[stash is looted and they find totally awesome elvish swords]]

Thorin – I’m not carrying anything Elvish.

Gandalf – This is a +5 vorpal and keen sword you idiot!  And it’s got the goblin bane property too!  Just because you hate elves doesn’t mean you shouldn’t wield this thing.  Look, I’m not too proud to take one of these things.  They’re awesome!

Bilbo – Well, even though I have never ever picked up a sword in my life and don’t know the first thing about wielding one, I’ll take this little dagger as a short sword.

Thorin – Fine, fine, I’ll take the elvish blade.  But I’m not talking to any damn elves about my map.  They betrayed my people, so I hates them forever.  Let’s get going.

Radagast – Wait a minute!  I have something terribly important to tell Gandalf!

Gandalf – You’d couldn’t have taken five minutes to wash your face?

Radagast – No!  I found an evil blade at the necromancer’s place.  He’s totally making the forest evil.

Gandalf – That’s very important now could you go wash that bird crap off of your face?

Crazy Hat Dwarf – We’re being run down by wargs!  It doesn’t make any sense why they’re chasing us.

Radagast – You run!  I’ll distract them with my magic rabbit sled!

Bilbo – I’m sorry, I thought you said “magic rabbit sled” but that would be beyond ridiculous.  [[Radagast rides off on his magic rabbit sled and fails to clean off his face]]  Gandalf, I’m sorry I accused you of not being a very good wizard.

Gandalf – Thank you.  Now follow me! [[they follow Gandalf to a hidden cave entrance and the wargs and their riders are apparently just too stupid to look behind the rock; elves conveniently chase the warg riders off leaving Thorin and Co. alone]]  Okay everyone follow me.  I know a secret way that will keep the orcs off our backs.

Rivendell:
Thorin – Damn it, you tricked me into talking to some damn elves.

Gandalf – Can you read that map to figure out how to open the secret door?

Thorin – Um, no.

Gandalf – Well, I can’t either so if you want to be able to use it you’d better suck up your prejudice and ask Elrond to help you read it.  Anyway, Elrond’s not even part of the same kingdom of elves you’re mad at!

Thorin – Whatever.

Elrond – Hey, Gandalf, long time no see.  I was just killing a bunch of orcs because I’m kind of awesome like that.  So, what’s with the adventuring party?  Need a few more XPs to level up?

Gandalf – Totally.  Also, we need you to read this ancient dwarf map.

Elrond – I love ancient maps.  Hey, by the way, those are some nice swords you guys picked up.  Follow me to my special elfy rune-reader thing. [[leads Thorin, Gandalf, and for some reason Bilbo to a special room with a back-lit crystal rock]]  Okay, well, this is cool. There are some moon runes and by a spectacular coincidence they can be read by the moon we’re looking at tonight.  So here’s the way to open the secret door, as long as you get to it under exactly these circumstances.

Bilbo – What are the odds we’re going to get to the mountain under exactly those circumstances?

Thorin – Better than you think.

Rivendell, Council:
[[Gandalf finds Elrond in a meeting with Saruman and Galadriel concerning grave matters]]

Gandalf – So Radagast thinks the necromancer is a greater evil, if you know what I’m ominously hinting at.

Saruman – Radagast is an idiot and there is absolutely nothing to worry about in Greenwood or Mirkwood or whatever that tree-hugging hippie freak wants to call it.

Elrond – Why are we even having this conversation?  No new information is revealed and this movie is long enough.

Galadriel – Don’t worry, Gandalf, I believe in you.

Gandalf – Are you hitting on me?  Because it seems like you are and you’re married!

Galadriel – Yeah, I know, it’s weird.  I’m really unclear on the purpose of anything that just transpired in this scene.

[[the dwarves get as bored as everyone else with the Council meeting and just leave]]

Misty Mountains:
[[Thorin and Co. are subjected to a terrible thunderstorm and giant boulder-throwing stone giants!  Somehow they manage to escape being crushed to death or falling to their deaths]]

Bilbo – I can’t handle this!  I’m going home!

Crazy Hat Dwarf – Look, just because Thorin said some mean things doesn’t mean you have to leave.  We like you fine.

Bilbo – Yeah, look, adventures really are not my thing and I…er, my sword appears to be glowing.  This seems like a bad thing.

[[it is a bad thing as the whole party is abruptly swallowed up by the cave and tumble six thousand feet or so down a hole and land completely unhurt and in an awkward pile]]

Goblin Cave:
Kili/Fili – This seems like a re-hash of the “heavy things fall on Gimli” gag from the trilogy.  I hope I’m wrong.

[[suddenly they are ambushed by tons of goblins who drag all the dwarves away but Bilbo manages to evade them by the cunning method of ducking; it fools all but one goblin]]

Bilbo – Oh, no, a goblin is bearing down on me in a menacing fashion and all I have to defend myself with is a sword which, as I have mentioned, never used before not even once in my life.  [[successfully defends himself against the goblin]]  Okay, so it turns out the glowing pointy end goes in the other guy.  That’s easy.  [[but they both end up taking a tumble where they another six thousands feet or so and Bilbo at least lands entirely unharmed; the goblin is not so lucky]]

Gollum’s Cave:
Gollum – Oooo, fresh meat.  [[kills the goblin in a gruesome fashion and drags it off to eat it]]

Bilbo – [[finds the One Ring (unbeknownst to him it’s bind on pick-up)]] Huh.  Out of all the obvious attempts to establish continuity to the LOTR trilogy this is the one scene that should actually be exactly the same and instead is shot differently.  That makes no sense.

Goblin Cave:
Goblin King (obviously not David Bowie) – Oh, how nice, dwarven guests!  I hate dwarves.

Fili/Kili – Dude, is that your beard?  Because it doesn’t look like a beard.  It looks like, well, um, the “berries” half of “twig-and-berries.”

Goblin King – I was going to kill you for your leader having that terrible elvish sword, but now I’m going to torture you before killing you for making fun of my beard.

Gandalf – Don’t worry, I’ll save you! [[kills the giant Goblin King]]  All right, all those XPs are mine!  Now run for it!  [[they do so in a chase sequence so physics-defying it begins to seem really cartoonish and ends with them falling down another ten thousand feet and being completely unharmed and in an awkward pile except for Gandalf]]

Thorin – Damn it, stop taking our XPs!  We need to level up too!

Crazy Hat Dwarf – Ugh, seriously, the “heavy things falling on Gimli” gag? [[the corpse of the Goblin King tops off the debris pile]]  For crying out loud!  There are better ways to establish continuity with the LOTR trilogy than making the whole group of us nothing but comic relief!

Gollum’s Cave:
Gollum – Hey, there’s something else in my cave.  What is it?

Bilbo – Bilbo Baggins, of the Shire.  I’m sure telling you my full name isn’t ill-advised in any way.

Gollum – We don’t know what is a Bagginses or a Shire.  Can we eats it?

Bilbo – I have a glowing magic elvish sword which improbably I can defend myself with!

Gollum – That is not good eating.  Maybe we can play a game with it?

Bilbo – We?  Is there someone else here?

Gollum – No, just us.  It’s been so long since we had anyone to talk to.  And if it doesn’t play a game with us, we can eats it, okay?  Okay, yes.  Will you play the riddle game with us?

Bilbo – Well, this is all kinds of creepy.  I’ll play a game with you, I guess, but if I win, you show me the way out.

Gollum – Okay, but if we win, we eats you!

Bilbo – That is a terrible bargain, but sure.  Besides, this is by far the best scene in the movie.

[[it totally is; thus commences the riddle-game in which Gollum proves he’s crazy and Bilbo proves he’s more lucky than witty but in the end he wins and manages to slip on the ring and disappear before Gollum kills him; he invisibly follows Gollum out of the cave]]

Bilbo – Okay, this guy is crazy, killed and ate that injured goblin, and threatened to eat me.  I could totally kill him right now, but for some reason I just can’t.  Anyway, what’s he going to do to me?  He’s just going to go back into that dark cave and kill goblins and never bother me again.  I guess I’ll leave him alive. [[sneaks out of the cave but Gollum realizes what happened and screams at the crane jib]]

Misty Mountains, Other Side:
Gandalf – Okay, head count everyone.  Twelve.  Really, all the dwarves managed to survive?  I’m frankly shocked.  Good thing you guys aren’t wearing red shirts.

Thorin – But the burglar isn’t here!  I’ll bet he ran off and just left us to die!  Just like he said he would before we were all captured.

Bilbo – No, I’m right here, but thanks for that vote of confidence.

Gandalf – How in the hell did you escape?

Bilbo – Um, you know, I critically succeeded on my stealth rolls.

Gandalf – Riiiiight.  But I apparently critically failed on my perception and sense motive checks.

Crazy Hat Dwarf – Can we take a breather now?

Old Dwarf Who Is Balin Probably – No, because the orcs are still after us!  It’s like they have some kind of vendetta!

Bilbo – So what do we do?  Fight the huge party of orcs or run off that cliff?

Gandalf – There are trees on that cliff.  Quick, up the trees! [[they all climb the trees which gets them away from the warg riders but really doesn’t improve the situation very much]]   Okay, how about some fireballs! [[he throws some fireballs which works until the trees catch on fire and then tip over the cliff anyway]]  Maybe I should have gone with magic missile instead.

Azog – Thorin, you and me got a score to settle.

Thorin – Right on. [[goes to engage Azog by simply walking off the burning tree while the others continue to hang on for dear life]]

Bilbo – Wait, really?  This whole darn adventure is going to end with a fight with a dragon but for some reason the director thought that a dragon wasn’t enough of a Big Bad?  Really?  Well, as long as this pale orc dies then I guess won’t be that bad; it’ll will make this movie feel like something has been accomplished.

[[Azog takes down Thorin]]

Bilbo – Ah, hell.  Well, just to prove I’m not worthless, I’ll go save Thorin.  [[manages to do so]]  Although again there were plenty of opportunities to prove my worth to Thorin in the book and therefore in the next movies so I’m not sure why the director thought there had to be even more in this movie.

Azog – Listen, you just delayed the inevitable.  There’s nothing that can save you now!

Gandalf – Actually, I just had a very productive conversation with a butterfly, which further establishes continuity with the LOTR trilogy.

Azog – I have no idea what that means.

[[it means they get saved by giant eagles who carry them away from the pale orc and all the wargs and the burning/falling tree]]

Rock Peak:
Eagle King – Rooocccc.   <-<You know, you’d think with three bloody hours of movie, the director could have showed that we are actually sentient creatures instead of looking like nothing more than trained animals you have at your beck and call>->

Gandalf – Rrrrrocc.  <-<But then there wouldn’t have been time for the Azog subplot>->

Eagle King – Reeeaarrccc.  <-<Just for that, we’re going to leave you at the top of this tall, narrow peak and make you walk all the way down>->

Crazy Hat Dwarf – Damn it!  We’re stuck walking again!

Gandalf – Oh, no, I’m going to fix that at the beginning of the next movie.  You guys are getting ponies again!

Crazy Hat Dwarf – Yay, ponies!

Bilbo – So, Thorin, have I proved my worth to you?

Thorin – Yep.  You’re totally okay by me.  And there’s the Lonely Mountain.  Clearly since this Azog was set up to be the Big Bad, we can be assured the dragon is actually dead.  I mean, what would be the point of two Big Bads?  That’s just silly.

Bilbo – And maybe I’ll even be able to figure out a way to tell the dwarves apart!  You’d think with all the efforts to tie this movie into the LOTR continuity I’d at least know which one of you is Gimli’s dad and I don’t know that.  I mean, seriously, do the rest of you even have names?

Lonely Mountain:
Smaug – Sure, the dragon is dead.  Riiiight.  But hey, they’ll figure that out soon enough.  Well, “soon” is relative, I guess.

–fade-out–

Fifteen-minute Movie: The Avengers

or, “Thank you Joss Whedon!”

SHIELD R&D:
Nick Fury – So, scientist last seen at the end of Thor, tell me why the cosmic cube thingy you don’t understand is having all these power surges?

Dr. Selvig – Um, you answered your own question.  We don’t understand it.  By the way, why is your SHIELD guy always sitting up on the railing watching us like a hawk?

Fury – Because we don’t actually call him Hawkeye at any point in this movie; we just have an oblique reference.

Barton – Gee, thanks.

Fury – Hey, listen, you’re only here because we need a couple of badass normals in this flick and Ant-man objectively sucks on every level.  You got that?

Barton – Sir, yes, sir.

[[the cosmic cube does more stuff no one understands and Loki, last seen falling to his doom or something, appears out of a doorway of light with a staff-thingy]]

Loki – I’m here to steal the cube, kidnap a bunch of people by brainwashing them with this staff-thingy for what appears to be no good reason, and demolish your entire R&D facility.  Oh, and you can’t stop me.  Watch!

[[Loki takes the cube, kidnaps Selvig and Barton, and wrecks the place although Fury and Maria Hill manage to escape]]

Hill – Now what?

Fury – It’s time for an awesome team-up!

Sketchy Warehouse:
Russian Mob Leader – So, the famous Black Widow is such a poor spy that we managed to capture her.

Barton – She gets a name shout-out and I don’t?  Aw, man, not fair.

Fury – Dude, she actually had a part in Iron Man 2, unlike your one awkward scene in Thor.  Now get out of here!

Russian Mob Thug – Um, okay, weird.  Hey, her phone’s ringing. [[answers it]]

Coulson (phone) – Put Agent Romanoff on the phone before I have the squadron of fighter jets kill you all.

Russian Mob Thug – Um, it’s for you. [[hands phone to the Black Widow]]

Romanoff – Damn it, I told you to never interrupt me when I’m working.  I’ve almost got all the information and I’m about ready to bust out of here.

Russian Mob Leader – Um, excuse me?  What am I missing?  There are three of us, who are all armed, and you, who is not armed and also tied up and about to be pushed into a pit.

Coulson (phone) – I know, I know, but it’s important.  I’ll hold while you finish up.

Romanoff – Fine, fine.  Hey, guys, have you heard of the trope “badass normal?”

Russian Mob Thug 2 – Um, no.

Romanoff – Allow me to demonstrate.  [[the Black Widow proceeds to beat up all three mobsters while mostly tied up to the chair while Coulson listens to the beat-down as though it was a musak version of “The Girl from Iponepa;” then she casually walks away without so much as a run in her pantyhose]]

Stark Tower:
Tony Stark – Man, life is awesome.  I’m awesome, Pepper, you’re awesome, so how could life not be totally awesome?

Coulson – Special delivery.

Stark – Dude, you are totally harshing my mellow.  I’m not getting involved.

Pepper Potts – Yes, you are. [[hands Tony the mission briefing]]  Nice to see you, Phil.

Stark – Phil?  I didn’t know you had a first name.

Coulson – It’s amazing how charming you are even though you’re a complete dick sometimes.

Stark – Yeah, I know, right?  Oooo, the sequel initiative.  I thought I wasn’t qualified.

Coulson – You aren’t.  But Director Fury is desperate.

Stark – Was that a SHIELD burn?

Calcutta:
[[a scruffy distinctly non-Indian dude is lured into a hut where the Black Widow is waiting]]
Romanoff – Dr. Bruce Banner?

Banner – Yeah.  What about it?

Romanoff – Do you, um, look different?  Again?

Banner – Just go with the obvious casting changes.

Romanoff – Okay, fine.  So you have barely contained rage issues that cause catastrophic disasters and you decided to hide out in one of the mostly densely populated cities in the entire world?

Banner – I’ll see your plot hole and raise you another; the whole point of the last movie was that I couldn’t be found and here you are.

Romanoff – Fine, let’s just move this story along without answering any of those questions.

Banner – You want the Hulk, don’t you?

Romanoff – Believe it or not, we actually want one of the world’s foremost experts in gamma radiation.

Banner – That’s flattering, but you could find one who doesn’t have barely contained rage issues that cause catastrophic disasters.

Romanoff – Fine, fine, possibly the Hulk will be useful too.  We’re willing to take the risk.

Banner – Okay, but just so you know, I’m damn near indestructible.  When this inevitably comes back to bite SHIELD on the ass, just know you’re be the ones who will be sorry.

SHIELD Base:
Fury – Listen, I need someone to lead a rag-tag group of super-powered individuals to combat Loki and retrieve the cosmic cube and I think Captain America is just right for the job.  Are you ready to get back into the action, soldier?

Steve Rogers – Sure.  It’s not like I’ve got family or friends or anything to do.  Hell, I’ve been out of circulation for 70 years and don’t even have basic coping skills for this world.

Fury – Wow, when I said save the brooding for the next movie, you sure did.

Rogers – Thank you, sir!

Space:
Chitauri XO – How’s the subjugating Earth thing going, Loki?

Loki – It’s going.  I still get the cosmic cube, right?

Chitauri XO – Sure.  We don’t need it to facilitate our conquest of the galaxy or anything.

Germany:
Rogers – So you’re Howard Stark’s kid?

Stark – Roger, Rogers.  By the way, what’s with that suit?  You should really consider updating to something, you know, this century.

Rogers – *frosty sigh* Yeah, you are totally Howard Stark’s kid.  Let’s get the iridium or whatever before Loki does.

Loki – Worship me, mortals!!!

Stark – At least he’s easy to find.

[[Loki has already gotten the iridium and is wasting time subjugating a crowd of people who really don’t know what the hell is going on.  Cap and Iron Man attack Loki and after a brief fight he surrenders to them]]

Rogers – Okay, something is wrong here.  You are up to something!

Loki – I have no idea what you’re talking about.  I could really use a convenient diversion right now.

[[Thor obliges by smashing down on the aircraft]]

Thor – Please totally ignore the fact the whole plot of my movie is that it was not very easy to get from Asgard to Earth once the Bifrost bridge was destroyed and therefore my presence now is completely unexplainable.  Loki, we’re going home!

Rogers – No, he’s going into SHIELD custody.

Thor – Right, now we’ll fight to establish our strengths relative to each other!

Stark – I am totally up for that!

Rogers – I think this is a terrible idea!

[[It is a terrible idea but Thor, Captain America, and Iron Man mix it up in a way that somehow proves they are all completely equal while Black Widow is left out of the weapon-waving contest (if you know what I mean)]]

Rogers – I hope you idiots are happy!  Loki surely escaped in the confusion!

Loki – Nope, I’m right here.

Rogers – Wait, what?  You didn’t try to escape?  I mean, we were in the middle of an all-out brawl while the Widow was stuck trying not to crash and die.  There was absolutely nothing we could do to stop you from escaping.

Loki – Yeah, well, you know.  Stuff.

Rogers – Okay, this is too suspicious.  I am not taking him anywhere.  [[an intern hands him the script]]  Okay, I guess I am.  Hey, by the way, Thor, how did you know my shield could stop your hammer?  Because if you didn’t know that, you were trying to kill me!

Thor – Oh, look, next scene!

SHIELD Helicarrier, Deck:
Banner – So, you’re putting me on a submarine.  This seems like the worst idea ever. [[the engines fire up]]  Oh, helicarrier.  Okay, I was wrong.  This is the worst idea ever.  Take me to the lab, please.

SHIELD Helicarrier, Lab:
Fury – I want you to study Loki’s staff-thingy.  Also, the cosmic cube emits gamma radiation.  Can you build a device to track it?

Banner – Um, yeah.  I’ll just need multi-modal reflection sorting…

Stark – You speak Technobabble!  I speak Technobabble!  Reverse the polarity!

Banner – Time and relative dimensions in space!

Romanoff – I have to say, those are the last two guys I expected to start a geeked out bromance.

Rogers – I don’t know what that word means because I am bitterly out of touch with modern times, but I’m glad someone can stand Stark’s kid.

Stark – Hey, old man, what’s that supposed to mean?

Rogers – What would you be without your toys?

Stark – Um, awesome.  Dude, seriously, I’ve had two movies to establish how awesome I am.

Rogers – You have no idea what it means to be a hero! [[leaves in a huff]]

Fury – Maybe I should tell him to cut down on the brooding.

SHIELD Helicarrier, Later:
Coulson – Oh my god, it’s him!  It’s him it’s totally him!  Squee!  Wait, wait, Phil.  Be cool.  Be cool.  [[sidles up to Captain America]]  So, hey, you’re awesome.

Rogers – Thanks.

Coulson – I’m Agent Coulson, but you can call me Phil.  I mean, if you want to, but if you don’t, that’s cool, okay?  Okay.  I’ve been a fan since forever.  I mean, I read all the stories about you.  I’ve-I’ve got trading cards.

Rogers – I’m sorry, what?

Coulson – Yeah, mint condition.  You think maybe you could sign one later?

Rogers – I, um, sure, I guess.  Listen, I have a thing. [[quickly moves on]]

Coulson – Stupid, stupid!  I should have waited before asking about the autograph.

SHIELD Helicarrier, Lab:
Banner – I can’t help but notice you just hacked into the helicarrier’s database.

Stark – Well, you know, I was bored and it was there.  But seriously, I want to know what SHIELD is really doing with the cosmic cube.  I mean, I’m the guy leading the world in clean energy with an advanced fusion reactor under my building.  So I just want to find out what they’re doing with it.  Oh, and here’s the answer.

Rogers – [[bursts in]] I got bored and started to poke around and found SHIELD’s been using the cosmic cube to develop weapons.

Stark – Okay, well, that’s not how I did it, but we both got the same answer.  So let’s have a chat with One-Eye.

Fury – So, you hacked into my database and you broke into my weapons storage.  I guess I probably shouldn’t lie.  Since we found out about other alien races, we’ve been building weapons to defend ourselves against them.  And now let’s start the argument over the moral and ethical ramifications.

SHIELD Helicarrier, Cell:
Romanoff – Which the audience won’t have to see as the movie cuts to me in my totally hot and practical catsuit.  So, Loki, what’s your plan?

Loki – You really think I’m going to tell you that?

Romanoff – Okay, so instead I’ll share some very personal information regarding my past relationship with Agent Barton, whom I would very much like to rescue.

Loki – Do you think a trickster god will fall for such a pathetically transparent attempt to manipulate me?

Romanoff – Look, I’m almost in tears.

Loki – Hahahahahaha!  Pathetic mortal.  The Hulk will kill everyone!!

Romanoff – Oh, that’s your plan.  Honestly, that really shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone.  Excuse me, I’m going to try to avert catastrophic disaster.

Loki – Well, either she really did trick me, or I gave her the information she needed because it doesn’t matter at this point.  I’ll leave it to the audience to decide.

[[The Black Widow’s efforts to prevent disaster are thwarted by the staff-thingy which apparently influences moods and then the argument is interrupted by Agent Barton and company disabling an engine in an attempt to recover Loki and/or the plot device; iridium, right?  Whatever, as the lab is blown up and everyone is separated]]

SHIELD Helicarrier, Disabled Engine:
Rogers – Okay, we’re going to have to work together to fix the engine.  And I’d really appreciate it if you could try not being condescending.

Stark – Yeah, I’m not promising anything.  Flip the toggle…I mean, pull the red thingy!

SHIELD Helicarrier, Hallway:
Romanoff – Ouch.  Well, things are definitely bad.  But they can’t get too much worse, right Dr. Banner?  Dr. Banner…

Banner – HULK SMASH!

Romanoff – $#%& me. [[runs the hell away as best she can]]

Banner – Hulk hate stupid flying metal thing and stupid SHIELD agents!  HULK wreck everyTHING!

Romanoff – Badass normal is a little below power levels for this fight.  Could someone with the flying brick power set please fight the Hulk!

Thor – I’ll handle this! [[engages the enraged Hulk; it goes about as well you might expect and only ends when Thor drops him off the helicarrier]]  That was a worthy opponent.  Now to stop Loki!  [[that also goes as well as you might expect and ends when Loki drops Thor, who is trapped in the holding cell, off the helicarrier;  Thor does manage to avoid being squished]]

Loki – What an idiot.

Coulson – I’m going to have to ask you to put down the staff-thingy and surrender.

Loki – You and what army?

Coulson – Well, I do have this gun based off the Destroyer that’s never been fired before.  Is that intimidating enough?  [[Loki stabs him in the back revealing the original to have been an illusion]]

Loki – No.  You are pathetic!  You are…! [[Loki is abruptly blasted out of the helicarrier by the gun]]

Coulson – Well, I’m glad I got to fire that thing before I died.  Colonel Fury, please use my death as a rallying moment for the team, okay?  Name them the Avengers because they’re avenging me and stuff, okay?

Fury – Sure, got it, and hopefully the audience does too.

[[Coulson dies and the audience is sad; we liked Phil]]

Romanoff – Okay, good, the Hulk is off my back and now I can take a breather… [[is attacked by a brainwashed Barton]]  Seriously?  Fine, fine, me and Clint.  [[and that fight goes as well as you might expect and ends when the Black Widow smashes his face against a metal railing and knocks him unconscious]]

SHIELD Helicarrier, Later:
Barton – So it turns out having my head smashed against a metal railing cured the brainwashing.  Who knew?

Fury – We lost Banner, we lost Loki, we lost the cube, we almost lost the damn helicarrier, and we lost Agent Coulson.

Stark – Oh, man, Phil’s dead?  That sucks.

Rogers – I feel kind of bad for not signing his trading cards now.  Okay, it’s time for a heroic speech about how we all need to come together and save the world!

Avengers – Yeah!

Rogers – Um, once we figure out what the hell Loki is going to do.

Stark – He’s clearly going to use the cube to open a door and let the aliens invade.  Of course, there are lots of potential power sources, but he’s going to go for something obvious, like a literal monument to egoism…  Why is everyone looking at me?   Oh, crap, it’s Stark Tower, isn’t it?  Yeah, I need to call Pepper…

New York City:
[[the aliens are invading, the aliens are invading]]
Stark – Aw, right, it’s time for the battle royale!  Yeah!  Hey, who are you again and what’s with the arrows?  Man, I thought Captain WWII was out of touch with modern times.

Barton – *frosty sigh*

Rogers – *frosty sigh*  Go scout your tower and figure out what’s going on.

Stark – Roger, Rogers.

Rogers – Thor, go hold off the alien fleet.

Thor – Verily! [[takes off to fight the alien ships]]

Romanoff – Um, I think we’re still a little short-handed here.

Stark Tower:
Stark – We’re here to avenge Agent Coulson.

Loki – Who with the what now?  Anyway, I have an alien fleet.  How in the world can you hope to win?

Stark – We have a Hulk.

Loki – Hahahaha!!!  No, seriously.

Stark – That’s the answer.  We have a Hulk.  You don’t.  End of story.

Loki – You annoy me so much I’m throwing you out a window. [[does so]]

Stark – You’ll be sorrrryyyy!! [[dons new and improved Iron Man armor and joins in the fray]]

Barton – Hey, what about me?  I want to be relevant!  [[Iron Man drops Barton on the top of a building to keep an eye on things and prove archery doesn’t have to be a lame power; it’s weird with all the guns, but not lame]]  I’m blowing stuff up!

Battle Royale:
Banner – [[casually drives up on a motorcycle]] So, you’ve got a problem and I think I can help.

Romanoff – You really are damn near indestructible!  But last time you Hulked out, you nearly killed all of us.

Banner – Yeah, well, I’m not angry at you guys now.  But I’m mad as hell at them. [[Hulks out in a totally controlled fashion which has never happened with this movie franchise version of the Hulk ever]]  Hulk SMASH! [[which he does and even gets in another pot-shot at Thor because why the hell not?]]

Rogers – Now I’m going to be relevant!  Okay, police, you listen to me and I’ll lead you through this safely.

Random Cop – Who the hell do you think you are?

Rogers – [[saves the random cops’ sorry butts]]  Captain America, damn it!

Random Cop – Okay, you’re the boss.

Romanoff – Give me a lift and I’ll get to Stark tower! [[Captain America does so and the Black Widow manages to get to the top of the tower, where the shielded Cube is beaming portal-energy into the sky]]  Well, there’s the problem.

Selvig – I built in a safety device, even though I was brainwashed.  Use Loki’s staff-thingy to penetrate the shield and hit the off button!

Romanoff – So we just need Loki to drop it.  Like that’s going to conveniently happen…

Banner – HULK smash mean god!

Loki – Hahahaha!  No mortal can harm…

Banner – BAMM!  BAMM!  BAMM-BAMM-BAMM!  [[beats Loki to within an inch of his life; at my showing the entire audience laughed at this]]  Jerk.

Loki – Owww…Stark…was…right…owwww…

SHIELD Helicarrier:
Shadowy Cabal – The Avengers can’t save the city.  We’re nuking it.  We’ve already launched a jet.

Fury – Oh hell no!  [[manages to take out one jet but the Shadowy Cabal apparently planned ahead and sent out two jets armed with nukes]]  Avengers!  You’ve got to end the alien invasion now!

Stark Tower:
Rogers – With all due respect to a commanding officer, what the hell do you thing we’ve been trying to do?  Anyway, Widow, do your thing!

Romanoff – Just…hitting…the button…now…

Rogers – Stark, get the nuke!

Stark – Roger, Rogers.

Rogers – *frosty sigh* Doesn’t that ever get old?

Stark – Nope.  [[retrieves missile]] Hey, I just had a terrible idea.  I’m going to be a true hero!

Rogers – That’s a terrible idea!

[[Iron Man steers the missile into space and to the Chitauri mothership before his armor gives out and he falls right back into the portal before the missile blows up the mothership; Thor catches Iron Man before he falls to his death]]

Romanoff – Barton, you’re up high.  What the hell just happened?

Barton – I don’t know.  Everyone just died!  Everything just stopped working and fell out of the sky like there was a giant off-switch!

Romanoff – So we conveniently don’t have to fight off the rest of this alien army, only clean up the mess?

Barton – Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.  Is Stark dead!

Banner – RAAARRRRWWWR!

Stark – Gah!  I’m awake!  I’m awake!  Okay, so we won?  Great.  Who’s up for lunch?  Anyone?  My treat.

SHIELD, Later:
Shadowy Cabal – Why did you let Thor take Loki and the cosmic cube back to Asgard?  We were going to use that!

Fury – I’m not stupid enough to try to tell a god what to do.  But hey, if you want to try to order him around, be my guest. *crickets chirping*  Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Secret Ending:
Chitauri XO – Okay, that totally didn’t work, although in retrospect we should have learned from The Phantom Menace not to equip the entire damn army with a kill switch.  I think we should leave this planet alone.  They’re insane!  They’re willing to kill everyone!

Chitauri Leader – [[turns, faces screen]]  Good.

Fans Who Recognize Chitauri Leader – GAAAHHHHH!!!

Non-Fans – Who’s the purple guy supposed to be?

Secret Ending 2:
Thor – *nom nom nom*  This is good.  [[everyone else is staring blankly at each other in the wreck of the restaurant]] What’s with you guys?  It’s like you’ve never been in battle before!  You need to just get over it.  *nom nom nom*  Are you going to eat that?

Fifteen-minute Movie – The Dark Knight Rises

or, “Bat-psychology 301 with Bane, which is just 101 and 201 all over again”
or, “How to Not Believably Pull off a Batman Gambit”

Uzbekistanian Airfield:
CIA Agent – Okay, load up the important scientist.  Who are these masked men?

Truck Driver – They work with the mercenary Bane.  You should let them on your plane.

CIA Agent – What?  No way!  Our job is to get this scientist to safety.  There is no way in hell I’m just loading up three dangerous criminals on to my plane without proper authorization or back-up!  That’s against all protocol and common sense.

Truck Driver – Um, it says in the script you load them up.

CIA Agent – Give me that! [[reads script]]  Fine, fine, load them up.  It’s a bad idea, but go ahead.

Mid-Flight:
CIA Agent – So, who are you guys?  And tell me about Bane.

Bane – I’m Bane and we’re going to kidnap the scientist and kill everyone on this plane and crash.

CIA Agent – I’m sorry, what?  I can’t really understand you with that mask/respirator thing.

Bane – *frosty sigh*  Men, do the thing I said.  [[with the help of a large cargo plane the team of mercs does what Bane says although any forensic expert should realize the plane didn’t crash on its own]]

Gotham City, Wayne Manor:
Commissioner Gordon – So it’s Dent Day and I have the speech where I say all the nice things about Dent or the speech when I reveal the truth.  I guess I’ll stick with the lies this year.

Sleazy City Official – So, when are we getting rid of that guy?

Deputy Commissioner Foley – Soon.  With crime so low in Gotham, it’s not like we need this guy anymore.

Miranda Tate – Where is Mr. Wayne?

Daggett – He’s been a recluse for eight years.  Why do you care?  Not only is he anti-social, but he threw away your investment in that clean energy thing.

Miranda – You just don’t understand anything.

Wayne Manor, Back Rooms:
Bruce – *hobbling around on a cane* What do you think you’re doing?

Maid – I’m just bringing you dinner.

Bruce – And you just cracked my uncrackable safe and stole my mother’s pearls.

Maid – Did I?  Well, look at the time; I really must dash  [[kicks him to the ground, flips out a window, and makes her escape by allowing the sleazy city official to hit on her and give her a ride]]

Wayne Manor, After Party:
Alfred – Well, that was another boring party.

Bruce – A maid stole my mother’s pearls and apparently my fingerprints.  This worries me.

Gotham City PD, roof:
[[Gordon is standing on the roof forlornly when he’s joined by a rookie cop]]

John Blake – So, one of our sleazy city officials is missing.  By the way, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to Harvey Dent’s death and the identity of Batman, even though we haven’t seen Batman in like eight years.

Gordon – Whatever, kid.  It doesn’t matter now.

Wayne Manor, Batcave:
Alfred – You have odd hobbies, Master Wayne.

Bruce – I’m just finding out who the maid was.  She used someone else’s fingerprints when she cracked the safe, but luckily I am a paranoid bastard who stuck a tracking device in the pearls, so I found her name, Selina Kyle, and her address, and her criminal record.  She’s a cat burglar with a troubled past.

Alfred – Clearly, you should ask her out on a date.

Bruce – Um, what?  Okay, first of all I just said she was a criminal who stole my fingerprints, which is really worrisome.  Second of all, I still miss Rachel.

Alfred – Do you know all those years after you ran away from home I took expensive vacations to Italy and hoped I would run into you and find out you were happily married?  That’s what I want for you.

Bruce – You took a trip to Italy every year?  With my money!?

Orphanage:
[[Blake and his partner find a body washed out of the sewer and Blake recognizes the kid from the orphanage he grew up in, which of course happens to be funded by the Wayne Foundation]]

Blake – So, something’s up.  You want to tell me anything?

Little kid – I miss Batman.  Also, lots of the older kids say there’s good work in the sewers.

Blake – Weird.  I’ll look into that.  And I think we’ll see Batman again.

Dive Bar:
[[Selina slinks in with a very drunk date whom she parks at the very empty bar while she sits down at a table with a well-dressed mook]]

Selina – I got the goods.  You got the payment?  [[another mook locks the doors]]  This will really be easier if you pay me, especially if you want the thumbprint.

Mook – You give it to me, or I shoot you in the head right now.

Selina – Here, dial the number.  It’s ready.

[[the Mook dials the number and a young woman walks in, hands Selina the package, then leaves, looking confused]]

Mook – Okay, now I’m totally going to kill you.

Selina – Really?  When all the cops are looking for my date, the sleazy city official?

Mook – What?  Hell.  Well, they won’t look here.

Selina – Then maybe you shouldn’t have dialed that number with his cell phone.  [[cue the screeching tires and loud bellowing of the cops]]  You should have just paid me.

[[thus starts the bar room brawl in which Selina manages to defend herself, pass herself off as a screaming hostage at least twice and casually saunters away; things don’t go so well for the cops as they follow the mooks down into the sewers, which leads to Gordon getting taken prisoner]]

Mercenary Lair:
Bane – Why in the hell did you idiots bring him down here?

Thug – Um, we panicked.  But hey, look, he’s got all this stuff on him, including an incriminating speech about Harvey Dent.

Bane – Why are you still carrying this?  Dent Day was like a week ago.

Gordon – Um, what the hell is that convenient distraction?  [[escapes through the sewer tunnels although he’s shot first]]

Thug – Oh well.  No big deal, right boss?

Bane – I’m going to kill all of you for this.  [[does so]]

[[And luckily for Gordon, Blake finds him at the same sewer drain and saves his life]]

Wayne Manor:
Alfred – Oh, police.  Can I help you?

Blake – I have terribly important news for Mr. Wayne that must be told in person.

Alfred – Right-o.  Master Wayne!

Blake – Commissioner Gordon has been badly injured by the mercenary Bane’s men.  He says that Bane has a whole army in the sewers but that jack-ass Foley refuses to believe him.

Bruce – I’m really sorry to hear that, but why couldn’t you have called or something?

Blake – So I could ask you to be Batman again.

Bruce – What?  No, no way, I am totally not Batman.

Blake – Riiiight, and there’s no big reveal at the end of the movie about my real identity either.  Listen, someone needs to stop Bane and right now the cops really can’t do it.  Later.  [[he leaves]]

Bruce – Who the hell is Bane?

Alfred – A mercenary with no other name or alias but has ties to Daggett.

Hospital:
Doctor – Your body is in terrible shape for a man so young, Mr. Wayne.  I recommend against any strenuous physical activity or you’re going to cripple yourself even more than you already are.

[[Bruce dons a mask to go talk to Gordon]]

Bruce – I heard about Bane.

Gordon – Is that still your Batman voice?  Honestly, you couldn’t have gotten some voice-acting lessons at some point after the last movie?

Bruce – Do you want my help or not?

Gordon – Yes.

Charity Event:
Bruce – So, Selina’s wearing a domino mask with cat ears.  Cute.  Oh, and the pearls she stole from me.

Miranda – Bruce Wayne?  What are you doing here?

Bruce – Trying to get out and about.  How about you?  I thought you hated fat-cat events like this.

Miranda – I do, but I have to get people with money together somehow so I can find investors to work on that clean energy project you ditched.

Bruce – Um, yeah, that.  Listen, I’ve got to go.  [[cuts in with Selina]]  So why do you steal stuff?

Selina – Because once I started, I couldn’t find a way to stop.  I want a fresh start.  I also want rich bastards like you to get what’s coming to them.

Bruce – I really think you’re too hard on me.  By the way, those are mine. [[takes the pearls; Selina kisses him and runs off]]  Okay, that was odd.  Well, time to go.  Valet, hey, I can’t seem to find my ticket…

Valet – Oh, your wife took the sports car.  She said you’d take a cab home.

Bruce – Argh!  She just stole my car!  And I am totally turned on by that!

Wayne Enterprises:
Bruce – Lucius, why don’t we have any money?

Lucius – We do, at least enough to keep Daggett from taking over.  But that clean energy project you mothballed years ago really drained the R&D budget.  By the way, are you interested in one-man VTOL craft called the Bat?

Bruce – Sweet!

Wayne Manor, Batcave:
Bruce – Okay, time to strap on some motorized leg braces that will never be mentioned again in this movie.

Alfred – I found out more about the mercenary Bane.  He escaped the worst prison on Earth, joined the League of Shadows as a mercenary, and was kicked out for extreme behavior.  Now he works as a mercenary for hire.

Bruce – That’s great.  I wonder what his scheme is?

Alfred – Well, I don’t know that because he’s just a mercenary.

Bruce – The way you keep repeating the word “mercenary” makes me think there’s more to this.

Alfred – Listen, Master Bruce, if you want to die, there are really easier ways than to go up against a mercenary a cult of assassins thinks is too extreme.

Gotham City Stock Exchange:
[[Bane carries out a carefully orchestrated plan to hack into the stock exchange that is not thwarted even when the cops cut the fiber-optic lines and eventually escape the cops by fleeing on motorcycles with hostages]]

Foley – Un-#$%&ing-believable!  How did they hide motorcycles in the Stock Exchange!?  Go after them!

[the cops give chase but finally Batman actually shows up in his own movie!]]

Foley – And arrest Batman!

[[Batman manages to retrieve the mercs’ laptop, although not until the program was completed, and save the hostages]]

Daggett’s Place:
[[Selina is seen calmly cracking into a safe that turns out to be empty and she is clearly very upset by this turn of events and accosts Daggett]]

Selina – Give me the thing to expunge my criminal record!

Daggett – My guys will kill you.

[[Selina defends herself and takes Daggett hostage and up to the roof]]

Selina – Okay, now give me the thing and I let you go.

Daggett – I, um don’t have anything like that.  I made it up.

Selina – Damn it.  I’ll still kill you if those guys don’t back off.  Wow, they are totally not backing off.  I think we both ought to be worried.

Daggett – I’m sure it’s fine.

Batman – I’ll save you!  Even though it’s not very well explained why I’m doing this! [[saves her]]  So, do I get a thank you?

Selina – No.  I don’t need your help.

Batman – Oh, come on.  Can you at least provide relevant plot information?

Selina – Fine, fine.  I sold the prints to Bane’s goons and Daggett was interested in the exchange robbery.

Wayne Manor, Batcave:
Bruce – Alfred, have Fox decode this hard drive.

Alfred – Please stop trying to kill yourself.

Bruce – I’m not trying to kill myself.  I’m doing what I have to.  I have to make it up to Rachel.  We were going to get married you know.

Alfred – You remember that note I burned at the end of the last movie?  Yeah, Rachel was going to marry Harvey, so you don’t have to do this for her.

Bruce – Damn it, Alfred!  I’m not quitting.

Alfred – Fine, then I am.  If you’re going to kill yourself, I’m not going to watch.

Wayne Enterprises:
Fox – We’re bankrupt and Daggett just bought controlling shares.

Bruce – What?  How does that even happen?

Fox – That hard drive reprogrammed the stock trades and made it look like we lost a whole bunch of money.

Bruce – But-but that doesn’t even make sense!  The stock exchange was attacked by terrorists!  Every transaction that went through that day should have been voided or frozen!  I mean, otherwise every single transaction is going to be tied up in the courts for years!

Fox – I’m sure that makes sense in the real world, but in this one you’re bankrupt.

Wayne Enterprises, R&D:
Bruce – Okay, Miranda, remember the clean energy project?  I’ve still got it.

Miranda – Why aren’t you using it?

Bruce – It’s a nuclear reactor.  I’m afraid some scientist will figure out a way to weaponize it.  I mean, there’s only one guy, actually, but why take chances?  Maybe he got kidnapped by a group of mercenaries and I just don’t know it yet.  Anyway, I want you to be the CEO so Daggett can’t get it.

Miranda – Wow, you’re placing a lot of trust in me.

Bruce – Yeah, I’m sure that won’t horribly backfire on me.

Miranda – Nope, not at all.  How about we go back to your place and have sex?

Bruce – Really?  We haven’t really shown that much chemistry, so it doesn’t make a lot of sense.  But hey, who am I to argue with sex?

[[the lights go out at Wayne Manor]]

Bruce – What the hell?  I went broke like five hours ago!  There’s no way the electric company cut me off now unless Alfred spent the bill money on trips to Italy.

Daggett’s Place:
Daggett – Bane, I’m mad!  I still don’t control Wayne Enterprises!  And I’m tired of you working my construction crews around the clock like this!  I demand more money!

Bane – I only worked with you for the construction crews, and now I don’t need you anymore.

Daggett – Damn, the cat burglar was right.  I should have been more worried when my goons seemed so willing to kill me when she was holding me hostage.

Bane – Yep.  Too late now. [[kills him]]

Hospital:
Blake – Commissioner, we found Daggett’s body.  His companies have apparently been doing a ton of construction work around the city, including in the sewers.

Gordon – See, this proves my story about the army in the sewers!  Blake, I’m promoting you.

Foley – But sir…

Gordon – Hey, I’m still in charge here.  He’s promoted!

Gotham Sewers:
[[after Bruce asks Selina to help his ‘powerful friend,’ she agrees and leads Batman into the tunnels where he is promptly trapped by Bane]]

Batman – What the hell?

Selina – I had to turn you over to Bane so he wouldn’t kill me.  See, having the information about Daggett and your fingerprints means I’m a loose end that could conceivably ruin his whole plan.

Bane – Well, Mr. Wayne, shall we fight?

Batman – Bring it!

[[they fight during the course of which Bane reveals he somehow knew exactly where Wayne Enterprises stash of bat-gear could be found and by the end of the fight he of course breaks Batman’s back and Batman passes out]]

Selina – Hrm.  If I had to turn over Batman to keep Bane from killing me because I knew too much, then watching this fight and learning Batman’s secret identity surely makes me even more of a liability than I ever was before.  But apparently I’m going to just be able to slink away.

[[it doesn’t quite work as Selina is arrested at the airport by Blake and ends up telling him Batman was hurt and might be dead; she’s sent to prison but at least Bane isn’t trying to kill her anymore]]

Foreign Prison:
Bane – I’m going to leave you in this god-forsaken hell-hole to watch your city burn.  Luckily, even god-forsaken hell-holes come equipped with satellite dishes these days.  Laters!

Bruce – Oh, I am in such pain!  How do I escape?

Prisoner – You don’t.  No one has.  Except for a child, long ago.  It’s a really sad story.

Bruce – Is it relevant?

Prisoner – Unbelievably so.  Anyway, a mercenary dated the warlord’s daughter and the warlord sentenced the mercenary to be imprisoned here.  The daughter changed places with mercenary, who was exiled instead and never knew what happened.

Bruce – Dude, the warlord imprisoned his own daughter?  Didn’t he know that was a death sentence?

Prisoner – You don’t get to be a warlord by showing mercy.  Worse, the woman was pregnant and had the child here in prison.  And, as you said, being here was a death sentence and one day the woman was left exposed and well, yeah, horrible death.  But the child was protected by one of the other prisoners until the child was old enough to climb the walls and escape.

Bruce – That child must have been Bane.  But then why not just say, “boy” or “son?”

Prisoner – Yeah, you think I would have said that if the child was Bane…  So, if you want to escape, you need to climb up that wall, which looks a lot like the well in your backyard from the first movie.

Gotham City, Hospital:
Foley – Commissioner!  Bane just took hostages at Wayne Enterprises!  It looks like you and the kid were totally correct this whole time!

Gordon – Send every cop in the city into the sewers and take out that mercenary army!

Blake – Whoa, whoa, is that a good idea?  There won’t be any cops on the streets.

Gordon – You’re right!  I really shouldn’t be making these kinds of decisions all doped up like this.  Oh, wait, wait, I’m being handed the script… [[reads script]] Okay, well, it is stupid but yes, send all the cops into the sewers.  Except you, Blake.  You keep following up that Daggett lead.

Wayne Enterprises, R&D:
Bane – I just need people with handprint clearance to activate the reactor and not, say, trigger the safety mechanism of flooding the tunnel.

Fox – Why not?  It’s clear you’re only going to use this thing for bad ends.

Miranda – Just do what he says!  It’s the only way!

Fox – No, really, I think flooding the chamber makes way more sense.  Oh, I’m being handed the script…  [[reads script]]  Okay, well, I guess I help activate this thing.

Bane – Scientist I kidnapped at the beginning of the movie, weaponize this thing.  Then I’m going to remove it from the core.

Scientist – Um, then it will explode in five months.

Bane – And your point is?

[[Several things then happen; Blake figures out the construction crews have laced concrete with plastic explosives, he warns the cops the sewers are a trap, Bane and his men infiltrate a football stadium and then hit a detonator which causes several more things to happen – all the bridges but one blow up, the sewer tunnels are collapsed, and the stadium collapses]]

Blake – Un-#$%&ing-believable!  I can’t believe in the past few years eight of the nine bridges to this city were actually under construction.  Nothing ever moves that fast!

Foley – Un-#$%&ing-believable!  How in the hell did Bane know the exact time I was sending all the cops into the tunnels to blow everything up all at once?

Bruce – Un-#$%&ing-believable!  You can’t make explosive concrete!  Concrete is highly stable stuff which is why we build things out of it!  And even if you plant explosives in the concrete, you still need a detonator and I really doubt a radio signal is going to penetrate the 8 to 12 inches of concrete necessary in a roadway to make sure the bridge didn’t collapse in the first place!

Gordon – Un-#$%&ing-believable!  How did Daggett’s company put explosives in every major construction project in the past eight years with absolutely no one anywhere figuring out something weird was going on?  I mean, I know Ra’s said in the first movie the League had people everywhere, but they infiltrated what was apparently the largest construction company in the city to the point no one said ANYTHING?!

Bane – Just go with it, okay?  Your city blew up and now I’m holding it for ransom.  I’ve just killed the only person that can disarm it, and there’s a random citizen with a detonator, and I’ve left one bridge open for supplies, and if any government agents try to interfere, I’ll blow up the bomb immediately.  But this is all for your own good!  Tomorrow I’m freeing all the criminals too!  It’ll be awesome.  Oh, and Harvey Dent was a murdering madman, as I found out with this speech from Commissioner Gordon.

[[The city descends into general chaos and the military is only able to get one team of commandos into the city, and they are of course eventually captured and killed]]

Foreign Prison:
Bruce – I hate this channel!  Fix me up, what passes for a doctor, because I’m busting out of here!  [[the doctor cracks his back]]  OWWW!

Hallucination of Ra’s – Yeah, life sucks for you.

Bruce – But you’re dead!

Hallucination of Ra’s – Technically, but I also said I was immortal.  I took the most common route to immortality.

Bruce – Oh, the kid everyone keeps talking about.

Hallucination of Ra’s – Yes, the child was mine, the warlord’s daughter was my wife.  Congrats, detective, you’ve almost got it figured out.

Bruce – So Bane’s your son.

Hallucination of Ra’s – No, Bane is just a mercenary, and if I meant “son” don’t you think I would have just said so?

Bruce – Like I can trust a hallucination.

[[after a training montage Bruce fails to break out of prison twice]]

Bruce – Damn, how come a kid could do this and I can’t?

Prisoner – You fear death.  The child had no fear because staying meant certain death.  Escaping at least meant there was a chance.

Bruce – So, what are you saying?

Prisoner – Don’t use the safety rope.

Bruce –  Oh, easy enough.  Hey, this really reminds me of when my dad got me out of that well.  It’s almost like I’m running through becoming Batman again while all these prisoners chant the name of the movie at me. [[escapes and somehow gets out of the middle of nowhere to the heavily guarded and quarantined Gotham City in almost no time at all with almost no trouble at all despite the military’s inability to get more than one team of commandos into the city!]]

Gotham City:
Bruce – Selina, I’ll clear your criminal record if you’ll help me fight Bane.  Also, everyone will die anyone if you don’t.

Selina – That’s great.  Fine, you have an ally.

[[with the help of Selina, he rescues Fox and Miranda but finds out the bomb will go off the next day anyway; he also takes a little time out to save Gordon from certain death by apparently just being there]]

Batman – I’m back!

Gordon – How much time did you waste making that fiery bat-signal?

Batman – It’s awesome!  Just go with it!

[[Batman, Selina, Blake, and some bat-explosives free the trapped cops that Bane has apparently been keeping alive in the sewers for five months because there is no good reason; the cops mount a do or die attack lead by Foley, last seen being a jerk; Gordon goes to stick a signal jammer on the bomb while Batman tries to find the person with the trigger]]

Gotham City Battleground:
[[bunches of cops die stupidly by charging directly into the mercenaries’ guns]]
Batman – Hey, Bane, let’s try this again now that I know your weakness!

Bane – Sure, it doesn’t matter anyway.

[[they engage in fisticuffs as Batman smashes up Bane’s face mask]]

Bane – Owww!!!!

Batman – Tell me who has the trigger device!

Miranda – [[stabs Batman in the side]] I do!

Batman – What the hell?

Miranda – My real name is Talia Al Ghul!  My father was Ra’s Al Ghul!

Batman – Wow, that’s a twist anyone familiar with the comics or animated series would have already know was coming, but since I didn’t have access to the comics or the show, I should have been paying more attention.  When everyone said Bane was just a mercenary, I should have wondered who the mastermind was!  When everyone kept using the pronoun-neutral word “child” I should have guessed the child was a girl!  So where does Bane fit into all this?

Miranda – He was my protector in the prison and I got him out, but he reminded my father of all the bad things that happened to my mother and so he was sent away.  Also, he was pretty extreme even for assassins.  So I’m going to kill everyone just like dad would have wanted. [[hits trigger; nothing happens thanks to Gordon]]  Okay, fine, the damn thing is going to explode anyway.  Bane, kill him.  Honestly, if you want something done right do it yourself… [[leaves]]

Bane – Right, now to kill you…

Selina – [[arrives just in time and guns Bane down with the massive weaponry on the bat-pod]] You know, for a guy who hates guns, you sure have a lot of them, and big ones.

Batman – Shut up.

[[After an extended chase sequence in which Talia hijacks the truck so the good guys can’t steal it, they stop her anyway but the reactor chamber has already been destroyed so the only option is for Batman to fly the reactor over the bay and let it explode]]

Selina – You’re bleeding!  There isn’t enough time!  You’ll die!

Batman – That’s fine.  I’m fine with all that.  By the way, Gordon, do you know my secret identity?

Gordon – No, apparently the highest ranking cop in the Gotham City PD did not figure that out already even though pretty much everyone else remotely familiar with you did.

Batman – Bruce Wayne.

Gordon – Oh, okay then.  Well, please get a move on if you’re going to.

[[Batman flies the bomb away and it explodes presumably killing him]]

Aftermath:
Alfred – I get the money, the house goes to the orphans, and I’m going on a holiday to drown my sorrows.

Blake – I resigned from the force and inherited a duffel bag?  What’s that about?

Clerk – ID please. [[checks ID]]  Your real name is Robin?  Really?  Well, I suppose we all saw something like that coming, although we didn’t expect it to be so stupid.

Gordon – Hey, someone fixed the Batsignal.

Fox – What the hell was wrong with the autopilot?

Technician – Nothing.  The computer shows Bruce Wayne fixed it six months ago.

Alfred – I love Italy.  Hey, is that Master Bruce and Ms. Kyle?  I’m surprised no one recognized Master Wayne but hey, and a “happily ever after” ending is really at odds with Nolan’s dark gothic vision, but after nearly three hours of movie, I’m just going to go with it.

Blake – So I had a rope and coordinates and now I’ve found the Batcave.  That’s pretty sweet!  Of course, I don’t understand how any of this works and don’t have any money to repair any of it since Bruce didn’t leave me any, oh, and there’s a whole bunch of curious kids right upstairs I have to keep this from.  Hrm.  I’m not sure this was thought out too well.  Too late now.  I’m Batman.  At least I’m not actually Robin…

–fade-out–

Fifteen-minute Movie: The Dark Knight

or, “Best Batman Evar!”
or, “Bat-psychology 201 with the Joker”
or, “How to Believeably Pull off a Batman Gambit”

Gotham City:
Fake Batman – Hold it right there, drug dealers!

Thug – Who the hell are you?

Fake Batman – I’m Batman!

Thug – No you’re not.  I can totally understand what you’re saying.

Batman – Hey!

Thug – Yeah, that’s the right voice!  That gargling with gravel voice that makes it nearly impossible to understand anything you’re saying!

Batman – Just for that I’m going to beat the hell out of all of you.

Thug – If you say so.  Ha!

[[Batman proceeds to beat up all the thugs as threatened and finds one of them is in fact the Scarecrow; after a merry and destructive car chase and some angry dogs, he apprehends everyone]]

Gotham City Bank:
[[the bank is being robbed by vicious thugs]]

Clerk – Nobody robs this bank on my watch! [[pulls out a powerful shotgun and starts shooting at the robbers]]

Thug – Dude!  What the hell?  [[the clerk is gunned down by the remaining robbers]]

Clerk – This is a mob bank!  You’re so dead.  Hahahaha!!

Thug – Well, that’s not good.  Hey, where are all the other guys?

Joker – They were instructed to kill each other so the remaining robbers would have a bigger share of the loot.  But don’t worry; I’m not supposed to kill you.  I’m supposed to kill the bus driver.  By the way, could you stand three feet to your left?

Thug – Sure.  What bus driver?

[[thug is killed by school bus backing into the bank]]

Driver – Whoa, what happened to that guy?

Joker – No idea.  [[kills bus driver and takes all the loot and heads out; having timed the robbery just exactly right, he meets up with a convey of school buses and makes a clean getaway]]  I love it when a plan comes together.

Gotham City Bank, Later:
Jim Gordon – Whoever robbed this mob bank is crazy.  Remember that playing card I gave you at the end of the last movie?

Batman – That’s just one guy.  Have we caught the mobsters yet?

Gordon – No, but we’ve got a good trace on the money.  It shouldn’t be long now.

Courts:
[[The new District Attorney’s attempts to prosecute new mob boss Maroni fail when someone else takes the fall and also he’s nearly killed]]

Harvey Dent – Well, that’s just great.  At least I lived.

Gordon – We’re on it.  Jerk.

Harvey – I don’t understand your hostility towards me.

Gordon – You investigated my cops!

Harvey – So what?  In the last movie, your own partner was so corrupt you watched him bribe a guy and lamented you couldn’t rat him out because there was no one to rat to.  So yeah, things got a little better once Falcone’s stranglehold was loosened, but there was a lot of trash still in the police department.  You should be grateful after all those years of corruption, especially after what happened to the DA in that movie, that someone stepped up to clean house.  Yeah, so some of your cops got in trouble.  They were bad cops!  Are you so naive you really think you only worked with the good ones?  Honestly, you should be thanking me, not hating me.

Gordon – Your well-reasoned and perfectly logical argument is apparently not enough to sway me.  I must continue to dislike you on principle.  Cops don’t like rats.

Harvey – I’m not a cop!  Argh!  Also, I want to meet Batman.

Gordon – Like I’ve got his phone number or something.  But if you get me some arrest warrants expedited, I’ll see what I can do.

Harvey – That’s fair.

Wayne Enterprises:
Lau – So that’s my business proposal, Mr. Wayne.  Mr. Wayne?  Okay, he’s asleep.  Great.  Mr. Fox?

Lucius – We’ll be in touch. [[Lau leaves]]  Or not, Mr. Wayne?

Bruce – No one makes profits like that unless they’re cooking their books or doing something illegal.

Lucius – Exactly.

Posh Restaurant:
Bruce – Hey, Rachel, you look, um, different.

Rachel – Pay no attention to the re-casting.

Bruce – So when did you start dating your boss?

Rachel – Um, you know, that is a pertinent ethical question.  Let’s ignore it for now.

Harvey – So that Batman, what a whacko, right?

Bruce – The city needs him.

Harvey – The city needs law and order, not some deranged vigilante who thinks he’s doing good.  Sure, things were bad, but now things are better.  I appreciate what he’s done.  I mean, someone needed to step up, but maybe there’s a better way to do things now.

Bruce – That both makes me angry and thoughtful.  How about I sponsor a fundraiser for your eventual higher political aspirations?

Harvey – Sweet!

Mob Headquarters:
[[various mob bosses are holding a teleconference with their accountant because apparently every business needs a good accountant]]

The Chechen – You know, some of the guys here think you hid all our money and fled to Hong Kong so we wouldn’t kill you for that.  What do you say about that?

Lau – Um, I did hide the money but only so the cops won’t find anything.  And I am going back to Hong Kong, but that’s only because I have a job there.  See, everything’s just fine and there’s no reason at all to kill me.

Joker – Ohhh, Gotham’s finest got you down.  I’ll cheer you up with a magic trick!  I’ll make this pencil disappear!  [[kills a random guy]] Ta da!

Maroni – What kind of joker do you think you are?

Joker – The kind that will kill Batman for you, if you give me half your money.  Not you, personally, I mean half of your money’s organization.  By the way, I wouldn’t trust your accountant.  He looks like a squealer to me.

Lau – Hey!  Um, look at the time.  Laters!  [[hangs up]]

The Chechen – Okay, one, all our money is apparently hidden so we can’t give you anything at all, and two, how do you think you’re going to kill Batman?

Joker – Magic!  Ta da!

Gambol – Okay, this guy is seriously getting on my nerves.  Make him disappear.

Joker – [[reveals a coat full of explosives]]  Are you sure?  Dead man’s switch here.

Maroni – Are you crazy?

Joker – Some might say ‘yes,’ and some might say ‘hell yes,’ but I say I just view the world a little differently.  I’ve got the solution to your Batman problem, so when you realize that, I’ll see you around, my goodfellas.

Gotham City PD:
Gordon – Bad news for the mob case.  Their accountant skipped the country.  We can’t do a damn thing.

Harvey – We wouldn’t be in this situation if your cops weren’t corrupt!

Gordon – Damn it!  We’ve been over this!

Batman – So, why did you light the Bat-signal?

Harvey – Dude, is that your Batman voice?

Batman – Do you want my help or not you jerk?

Harvey – We need you to perform an illegal kidnapping and extraction from Hong Kong.

Batman – Oh, no problem.

[[the Joker kills Gambol and takes control of his portion of the mob while Batman enlists Lucius Fox to give Wayne Enterprises a reason to go to Hong Kong so he can kidnap Lau, which he does with realistic-ish technology, because he’s Batman!]]

Mob Headquarters, Again:
Joker – Hey, everyone, I think we should unite against Batman so we can kill him!

The Chechen – That’s great, but the cops have Lau and we are so, so indicted.

Joker – Oh, we’ll just kill everyone involved in the trial.  That’s hardly a thing. And I’ll even get Lau back for you.

Maroni – Okay, so what’s your plan to kill Batman?

Joker – Find out his secret identity.  Then it’ll be easy to put a hit out on him.

Maroni – If it were that simple, we would have done it already.

Joker – Oh, but you were doing things the old way.  Now we do them the Joker way!  With a TV announcement!

TV Announcement:
Joker – Hi everyone!  I’m the Joker and I’m here to make you an offer you can’t refuse.  Find out who Batman is and tell the world or else I kill one random person every single day!  Isn’t that a fabulous offer?  And if you don’t believe me, here’s an address where you can find a body conveniently dressed up as Batman just in case the symbolism is lost on anyone.  Okay, remember, out Batman and people stop dying.  Probably.  Hahahahahahahaha!!!!

Fundraiser:
Bruce – The mob trial judge and the police commissioner have both been killed.  It’s like someone is targeting the people involved in prosecuting the mob.  I wonder who else they might have in mind as a target?  Maybe a lawyer or someone?

Harvey – Hey, Bruce, nice party.  Sure is nice to get a break from prosecuting the mob trial since I’m the District Attorney and all.

Bruce – D’oh!  Harvey, you’ve got to hide!  The Joker is going to kill you!

Harvey – That’s totally ridiculous.

Bruce – This is for your own good. [[wrestles Harvey and drags him to a closet and locks him in right before the Joker bursts in the door; Bruce, now out of the sight of the Joker and his goons runs off to change]]

Joker – Hello party people!  What, no applause?  No one appreciates a good entrance anymore.  Hey, does anyone know who Batman is?  I’ve killed a bunch of people and no one’s told me yet.  [[no one answers]]  Dull party.  Hey, does anyone want to see a magic trick?  I just need a pencil and a volunteer.  Or hostage.  Whichever.

Rachel – You aren’t funny.  Go away, you criminal freak.

Joker – Wow, you’re both self-righteous and clearly have no self-preservation instinct.  [[threatens to throw her off the building]]  Also, I happen to be hilariously funny.

Batman – Let her go!

Joker – Hm, the punchline is pretty obvious, but how can I resist?  Letting her go, as directed.  [[chucks her out the window]]

Batman – D’oh!  I’ll save you!  [[dives out the window to save Rachel but doesn’t really seem to do anything to actually stop or even slow their descent]]  Are you okay?

Rachel – Yes, although it doesn’t make any sense why.  This car is totalled and the only thing to break my fall was you, and that wouldn’t be enough to prevent me from getting seriously hurt if not dying from the height I fell.

Batman – Just go with it.

Rachel – Alright.  Hey, are you going back upstairs?  The Joker’s still there!

Batman – Um, hey, look, next scene!

Gotham Streets Funeral Procession:
Gordon – It is stupid to have both the Mayor and the DA out in the open, even if it is for the funeral of the previous commissioner.

Harvey – It’s fine.

[[Sure enough, the Joker attempts to take out the Mayor during the funeral and is narrowly thwarted by Gordon, who seems to die in the process]]

Batman – Rachel, Rachel, you need to go someplace safe!  Go to my house!  Answer the phone!

[[Batman interrogates Maroni but gets no clue to the Joker’s whereabouts; he also comes across Harvey interrogating a thug but tells Harvey since the thug is legitimately insane he has no clue to the Joker’s whereabouts either; Batman also tells Harvey to hold a press conference so he can turn himself in]]

Wayne Penthouse:
Bruce – Rachel, you’re here!  Thank goodness.  By the way, I’m going to turn myself in as Batman.  It’s the only way to stop the murders.  Also, then we can be together.

Rachel – The Joker is crazy; he’ll keep killing people.  And telling everyone you’re Batman is actually a really, really good way to make sure we can never be together.

Bruce – I’m going to do it anyway.

Press Conference:
Harvey – Hey, everyone, I’m Batman!

Bruce – What?!

Harvey – Yeah, so please stop with the killing and everything.  I’ll even go to jail.

Gotham Mean Streets, Again:
Harvey – Wow, a big convoy to take me to jail.  Surely this won’t make me a target or anything.  I’m not a target or anything!

Joker – Again, the punchline is obvious but how can I resist?  [[the attempt on Harvey’s life fails as the Joker is apprehended by… (dun dun dun!) Gordon!]]  That’s pretty funny.  Okay, okay, take me to jail.

Gotham City Jail:
Gordon – Bad news.  Harvey didn’t make it back to his house.

Batman – Tell me where Harvey is or I’ll beat the hell out of you!

Joker – Or I can taunt you.

Batman – That doesn’t seem like a good idea.

Joker – What’s your point? [[taunts Batman; Batman beats the hell out of him]] I thought you wanted to save Rachel and Harvey.

Batman – Wait, Rachel’s missing too?

Joker – Some great detective you are.  Here, here are the addresses.  Both warehouses are rigged to explode and you don’t have a lot of time to try to save them.

Batman – I hate you.

Joker – That’s cool.

[[the good guys set out to save Rachel and Harvey while the Joker escapes from jail and takes Lau with him by first taunting a cop, then getting a phone call to explode a cell phone bomb implanted in another inmate for the sole purpose of getting the Joker out of jail; convoluted, yes, but effective as long as everyone did exactly what the Joker expected]]

Explosive Warehouses:
[[Rachel and Harvey can speak via intercom]]
Rachel – Why in the hell did I ever leave the safety of Bruce’s penthouse?

Harvey – I thought I was under police protection!  I’m tied to a bunch of explosives.  You?

Rachel – The same.

Harvey – Damn it.  Well, my effort to get free only got half my face coated with flammable liquid.

Rachel – Don’t worry, Batman will rescue one of us.

Harvey – He’ll rescue you, Rachel.  So I guess this is good-bye.  I love you.

Rachel – I love you too.  I was going to marry you.

[[Batman bursts in to find Harvey]]

Harvey – No, you idiot, go save Rachel!

Batman – I was going to!  The Joker gave me the wrong address!

[[Batman drags Harvey out as the warehouse explodes and it catches his pretty face on fire; meanwhile the Gotham City PD is too late to save Rachel]]

Hospital:
Gordon – So, Harvey, why aren’t you getting painkillers or skin grafts or any proper medical care for your hideous burns?

Harvey – Argh!  This is all your fault!  I tried to get rid of all the corrupt cops and there were still more and you protected them!

Gordon – No, I didn’t!  I didn’t know they were bad!

Harvey – Liar!  Liar liar liar!  You hate me.  You always hated me!  What was that nickname your guys had for me?  Huh, huh?

Gordon – “Two-Face.”

Harvey – Ha!  I knew it!  Hahahahahaha!!

Gordon – Harvey, I’m sorry.  And you need help, physically and mentally.  Oh, hey, here’s the lucky coin you gave Rachel before she died.  I wonder who left this.

News Show:
Reese – I know who Batman is.

Reporter – Awesome!  This is the scoop of a lifetime.  Hold it, I’m being told there’s a call from a Joker.  Put him on.

Joker – I changed my mind; I don’t want to know who Batman is so you can’t tell anyone.  So here’s the deal: either someone kills you in an hour, or I blow up a hospital.

Reese – Wow, this really sucks!

[[the cops scramble to protect Reese and evacuate all the hospitals in Gotham]]

Gotham General:
Joker – Hey, Harvey, you look awful.

Harvey – Argh, I kill!

Joker – Sure, why not?  It’s not as though I don’t deserve it.  Of course, if you do that, you turn your back on all your lawful principles.

Harvey – Okey dokey.  [[aims the gun]]

Joker – Wait a second!  Here’s the thing.  I may deserve to die, but lots of people who have died didn’t deserve it.  So if there’s no law, and nothing’s fair, how do you decide who lives and dies?

Harvey – I’ll flip a coin.  There’s nothing more fair or unfair than that.

Joker – Now you’re speaking my language.  Flip me off!

[[Clearly the Joker got lucky during the coin toss as he’s seen walking out of the hospital which blows up behind him; of course, if the Joker died, one wonders how the rest of his plan would have been carried out]]

TV Announcement, Again:
Joker – Okay, so here’s the deal.  Again.  I own the city.  If you don’t want to be a part of it, please leave.  But maybe not using the bridges.  Just saying.

[[In the meantime, Harvey-now-Two-Face goes on a revenge spree on everyone involved in Rachel’s death; bunches of people try to get the hell out of Gotham on ferries]]

Wayne Enterprises:
Batman – I need you to hook up all of the cell phones in the city to this computer so I can spy on everyone using sonar and find the Joker and the missing hospital patients.

Lucius – Wow, there’s an app for that?

[[Two-Face finds out who kidnapped Rachel and decides to take revenge on Gordon’s family as well, because that makes sense to a crazy person]]

The Ferries:
Worker 1 – Dude, why are there all these barrels down here in the engine room?

Worker 2 – I have no idea.  Also, how did we not notice someone moving dozens and dozens of barrels into the ferry to begin with?  And got them all wired up like this is some kind of giant…bomb…oh hell.

Joker – Hey, everyone on the ferries, you’re not part of a social experiment!  Isn’t that exciting?  One ferry is loaded with convicts, even though it doesn’t make any sense to get them out of the city, and one is loaded with innocent citizens.  You each have a detonator, but get this; it’s to the other ferry.  So you have to choose who lives and who dies by midnight or I kill everyone anyone.  Isn’t that hilarious?

Convicts/Innocent Citizens – Hell, no!!!

Joker – Honestly, you people have no sense of humor.

[[in the meantime, Fox finds the Joker and notifies Batman, who notifies Gordon; Gordon is called away when he realizes his family is in danger]]

Unfinished Building:
Batman – Oh, no, the Joker dressed up his goons as the doctors/patients and the patients are dressed up like his goons.  The SWAT team is going to kill the patients!  And that means I have to fight the SWAT team!  I really hate that clown!  [[beats up some SWAT team members but ultimately disables all the goons]]  Okay, clown, let’s do this!

Joker – Okey dokey!  But I’m going to cheat! [[does so and gets the upper hand on Batman]]

Ferries:
Convicts/Innocent Citizens – So, we blow up the other boat, right?

Sensible Person Not Appearing in this Film – Argh, no!  This isn’t some morality play.  It doesn’t matter who blows up a boat or if no one blows up a boat because the Joker still has the ability to blow up both boats.

Convicts/Innocent Citizens – I don’t understand.  If we blow up the other boat, we live.

Sensible Person Not Appearing in this Film – Argh, no!  Did you miss the part about the Joker being insane?  Why do you assume a guy who rigged two boats to blow up and kill hundreds of people is actually going to be good to his word and not blow up these boats?  He’s insane!  He’s already killed a ton of people!  We don’t have to play his game because he has no rules!  Just assume unless someone stops him we are all going to die no matter what we choose or don’t choose.  Got it?

Convicts/Innocent Citizens – Yeah, actually, that makes total sense.  Our morality is utterly irrelevant because a crazy person is holding the trigger.

Unfinished Building:
Joker – You know, I don’t think those passengers are going to play my game.  Well, I’ll just have to blow them both up.

[[Batman stops him but gets thrown off the building; luckily he learned his lesson about being thrown/falling off buildings and uses his patented bat-grappling hook to save himself and capture the Joker all in one shot; sweet!]]

Joker – Well played, well played.  You saved the citizens.  But it’s midnight and do you know where Harvey Dent is?

Batman – Um, no.  Is that important?

Joker – Oh, you missed the joke!  I was never really trying to corrupt you.  You’re the Dark Knight.  If you didn’t kill me, you never will.  But Harvey was the White Knight and now he’s fallen.  So, in short…

Batman – This was one giant Batman gambit to ruin Harvey Dent and demoralize the city?

Joker – Give the man a prize!

Batman – I hate you.

Warehouse:
Gordon – Harvey, please let my family go.  They didn’t do anything to you.

Two-Face – I think it’s clear I am well past any rational thought.  I’m going to flip a coin to find out if your kid lives or dies.

Batman – Harvey, no!

Harvey – Oh, bad heads, you die. [[shoots Batman]]

Batman – Luckily, I have some awesome armor!  [[tackles Two-Face and they tumble off the building]]  I have really got to stop falling off buildings.  Harvey?  Harvey?  Damn it!

Gordon – Oh, no, Harvey’s dead!

Batman – The Joker did win.  Harvey’s dead and everyone will know he went crazy and killed people and all those criminals he convicted will be let out of jail.

Gordon – I’m pretty sure the justice system doesn’t work like that…

Batman – Blame me for Harvey’s murders!  It’s the only way the Joker won’t win!

Gordon – Can’t we blame the Joker for Harvey’s murders?  He’s been killing people this whole movie!

Batman – No, no, no there’s just no other way!

Wayne Manor:
Alfred – Well, that went well Master Bruce.

Bruce – There was just no other way!  It’s too bad too because Rachel was going to stay with me.

Alfred – [[quickly burns a note Rachel left]]  Yes, absolutely, just keep telling yourself that.

[[Fox destroys the sonar device and the cops destroy the Bat-signal]]

Gotham Mean Streets:
Gordon’s Son – Dad, I don’t get it.  Why do we have to blame Batman?  He’s a hero, right?

Gordon – He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needed.

Gordon’s Son – That…that doesn’t make any sense.

Gordon – It’s very existential.  Trust me, you’ll think it’s totally awesome when you’re old enough to watch this movie.

–fade-out–