or, “The Avengers‘ Prequel,” or, “Easter Egg Hunt”
SHIELD Agent 1 – Hm, I wonder where that advanced yet antique ship came from.
Agent 2 – We’ll find out. [[they go in and he spots an iconic shield sticking out of the ice]] Call Col. Fury, stat!
Agent 1 – It’s like three in the morning where he is.
Agent 2 – I thought I’d made it clear I found the relevant plot device!
Monk – Somehow I don’t think that’s Mary Kay knocking… [[assistant gets killed by a falling wall, followed by a tank smashing into the church]]
Johann Schmidt – I’m here to take your treasured artifact and establish myself as a complete bastard.
Monk – Oh, so I’m going to die in this scene.
Schmidt – Yes.
Monk – Rats. The thing you’re looking for is over there, but I’m going to warn you, cube-shaped objects of divine power in movies tend to cause Nazis’ faces to melt.
Schmidt – Believe me, it’s impossible to melt my face at this point. [[pulls a glowing cube out of a hidden panel]] Sequel Shout-Out: this looks like the thing Nick Fury showed that scientist at the end of Thor. Ok men, let’s kill everyone and let’s get back to Germany.
Steve – Nope, I am in no way the same actor who was recently in two Marvel superhero movies. Just let me join the army and serve my country!
Recruiting agent – Kid, I’m surprised you’ve lived this long. Your drill sergeant could kill you with an ill-timed sneeze. No dice. We’re in the middle of war, but we’re not going to waste our time on a 98 pound weakling who’ll collapse under the weight of his own rucksack.
Steve – Aw, shucks. I’ll go take in a movie to make myself feel better. [[promptly ends up in a fight with a much bigger guy, which, quite frankly, is pretty much everyone]]
James “Bucky” Buchanan Barnes – Pick on someone your own size, you jerk! [[chases off the bully]] Steve, you’re my best friend and all but do you really like getting beaten up that much?
Steve – I need to prove myself. It’s not fair you’re shipping out and I’m not.
Bucky – Actually, it’s completely fair since you’re obviously in no condition to fight and I am. Anyway, since I’m shipping out tomorrow, I got us some dates and we’ll go check out the Stark Expo.
Howard Stark – This scene is merely to establish that despite Tony’s obvious father issues in later movies, he’s just like me as far as showmanship and charisma. I am so awesome! Easter Egg: note the proto-repulsor technology! Sequel shout out: the Stark Expo itself!
Steve – Well, Bucky, I know it’s your last night before you ship off to war, and you got me a date, which I should be grateful for because let’s face it, most women would accidentally step on me, but I’m going to try to get into the army again at that handy recruiting booth.
Bucky – *resigned sigh* Fine, you try to prove yourself, again, and I’ll take both girls out dancing. One of us is going to have some fun tonight.
Steve – Also, please don’t get killed as you are my best friend.
Bucky – Believe me, that’s at the top of my priority list.
Dr. Erskine – I overheard part of that conversation with your friend. Do you want to go to war and kill Nazis?
Steve – I just want to serve my country. My parents did, my best friend is, and I should too.
Erskine – Well, even though you’ve lied on your recruiting paperwork, I’m going to let you in so you can participate in a special soldier program.
Steve – Sounds great, sign me up!
Army Boot Camp:
Soldier Bully – [[to SSR Agent Peggy Carter]] Hey, baby, I’ll sign up for a piece of that.
Carter – [[punches him so hard he falls down]] While I am clearly the token woman, I am not to be messed with. Everyone got that?
Soldiers – Ma’am yes ma’am!
Carter – Sequel shout-out: I will probably turn out to be the relative of SHIELD Agent Sharon Carter.
Steve – Is that relevant?
Carter – Not yet, but it will be.
[[thus begins the training montage where we see that while Steve struggles just to keep up, and is bullied during the training, he actually uses his brain while the other soldiers don’t so much]]
Colonel Phillips – I don’t care how good a man you think he is, Erskine, he’s a skinny kid who’ll die if a Nazi so much as looks at him the wrong way.
Erskine – The whole point of the special program is to overcome physical limitations.
Phillips – Wars are won on guts. Watch. [[throws out a dummy grenade which causes everyone to run except Steve who throws himself on top of it.]] Fine, fine, Rogers is our man; you don’t have to be so damn smug.
Steve – Why did you choose me to become a super soldier? I’m as far from super as the special-effects team could make me.
Erskine – Because I believe you’re a good man, which in cased you missed, is the moral of the story here.
Steve – I got it, no problem.
Erskine – Good, because I was forced to use the stuff on a Nazi named Johann Schmidt, and boy that didn’t go well. I mean, it worked, but it just made him an evilier bastard. Not that I expect you’ll ever run into him. Anyway, here’s to a successful experiment!
Car Ride to the Secret Government Lab:
Steve – I get beat up a lot.
Carter – I guessed that. Why don’t you run away?
Steve – Because I’m very brave. Or stupid. Either way, it got me here. You know, you’re not like the other guys. Because you’re not a guy, obviously. I mean, you’re pretty. I mean, you’re pretty ma’am.
Carter – I find your clumsiness with women endearing after all the macho posturing I have to put up with.
Steve – So maybe we can get together?
Carter – Let’s see how this experimet goes, shall we?
Secret Government Lab:
Erskine – Ok, please strip down to your special issue Bruce Banner pants and hop into this tube thing. By the way, this is going to hurt.
Steve – I think it’s been shown by now I can take the pain.
Stark – Ok, people, let’s do this thing. One Stark Tech Special coming up! Turn that dial up to eleven!
[[cue old-fashioned technology zapping the heck out of Steve in some sort of pod-like thing and of course the necessary sparks and screaming; Steve emerges taller, broader, more muscular, and totally cut]]
Carter – Wow. They should call that the super-gorgeous serum.
Steve – Good thing I have these special issue Bruce Banner pants or I would have ripped the seams and had to step out naked.
Carter – Yeah…that would have been awful…
HYDRA spy – Well, now that I know this works, it’s time to blow this joint, kill the doctor, and swipe the leftover serum. Not that it makes any sense to have any leftovers since you’d think the doctor who designed this process would know exactly how many vials of the stuff he would need. Also, wouldn’t it make sense for me to try to kill the successful test subject? Whatever, I wasn’t recruited to HYDRA because I actually think about my orders. [[blows place, kills Erskine, swipes serum, escapes the facility although Carter proves she’s a damn good shot]]
Steve – Now would be a really good time to test my new-found physical prowess and try to avenge the good doctor, because I’m the first Avenger and all.
HYDRA spy – Dude, I’m in a freakin’ car! You’re just running! How in the world are you keeping up with me?!
Steve – A combination of knowing all the alleys in this area, the fact you have to navigate New York City traffic, and my sheer awesomeness!
[[eventually the HYDRA spy loses his car and opts for running and shooting at Steve]]
Steve – Look how I use this car door as a shield in a totally not foreshadowing way!
[[HYDRA spy gets to a hidden and very advanced submarine; Steve follows anyway]]
HYDRA spy – For crying out loud, can I get a break here? I’ve tried to drive away, run away, shoot you, take a child hostage, and now I’m running away in a submarine and you’re still there!
Steve – Yep. Hey, watch this! [[he punches through the sub cockpit and launches the guy out of the water]] Tell me who’s behind this!
HYDRA spy – Hail HYDRA! [[kills himself]]
Carter – HYDRA is the Nazis’ advanced science group.
Phillips – But that doesn’t matter because we’re putting you in a lab until we learn how to duplicate Erskine’s formula and process.
Steve – But I want to serve my country!
Phillips – And I want an army of super soldiers, not just one guy. And I outrank you.
Senator – You know, I have another job for you that will eventually get you to the front lines.
Steve – Great, I’ll do anything.
Senator – I’m glad you put it that way.
[[commence a humilating sequence whereby Steve is forced to do a propaganda tour; Easter Egg: he’s wearing the original Captain America costume]]
Steve – This is more degrading than I ever imagined.
[[Steve finally gets to the front lines]]
Steve – Actually, this is even more degrading. I want to fight with those guys, not get boo’ed off the stage.
Carter – I believe you can do more.
Steve – Well, I need a convenient mission to go on to prove myself.
Phillips – We’ve had an entire unit disappear behind enemy lines.
Steve – Wow, that is convenient. And for further emotional impact, Bucky’s in that unit! Are you going to save them?
Phillips – No. I’ve got a war to win and don’t have time to lead a rescue mission. Don’t you have a song and dance number to worry about?
Steve – I’m going to save Bucky! Easter egg: I’m now in my second Captain America costume!
Carter – I’ll help.
Stark – Don’t forget me! I’m seriously awesome! And hitting on Carter too.
Steve – Yeah. That’s great. Really great.
[[Steve manages to survive parachuting down on to an enemy base in the midst of heavy anti-aircraft fire and sneaks inside which seems easy, but then again, the Nazi defenses probably aren’t geared toward keeping out just one guy]]
Steve – I’m not a scientist or engineer, but this stuff seems really advanced. Better swipe a bit of this for that smarty-pants Stark to look at. [[does and manages to free the imprisoned unit]] Easter Egg alert: Wow, you guys look exactly like the Howling Commandos!
Dum-dum Dugan – That’s the point. So, now to prove just how insane we are!
Steve – And I’ll go find Bucky!
Nazi Base Control Room:
Schmidt – [[watching the cameras]] Well, clearly there is only one thing to do.
Dr. Armin Zola – Kill that guy?
Schmidt – No. We destroy this place and escape. Clearly we are incapable of killing that guy or we would have done it already. [[starts self-destruct sequence]]
Zola – But our stuff’s here!
Schmidt – We’ll build new stuff. Maybe this will kill that guy.
Steve – Hey, a map conveninently detailing the locations of all of this HYDRA organization’s bases. I’d better memorize that. Hey, Bucky! Are you okay?
Bucky – I’ve been strapped to a quasi-medical looking table which is not foreshadowing in any way. Clearly I’m fine. Hey, when did you get so tall?
Steve – Joining the army was good for me. Let’s blow this joint.
Bucky – By the sound of those alarms, I’d say someone else is taking care of that.
Howling Commandos – Yep, that’s what we do! [[they take out Nazis left and right with their stolen Nazi tank]]
Steve – Hey, you Nazi, stop there. [[they get into a brief fight only meant to showcase how evenly matched they are]]
Schmidt – So Erskine was successful again, and this time apparently without the awful side effects. [[takes off facemask to reveal his skin is red and shrunken onto his face making him look like a skull]]
Steve/Bucky – Eww.
Red Skull – Join me and we can rule the galaxy.
Steve – Ok, that’s from another movie and also you’re Nazi scum.
Red Skull – Whatever, soldier boy. I’m out of here.
Zola – If there wasn’t room for me on the escape jet, why didn’t you tell me that when I was a lot closer to the garage?
Red Skull – Because I am in fact Nazi scum. And if you scratch my car, I’ll kill you. [[takes off]]
Zola – I need a new boss. I mean, I like illegal and unethical experimentation, but this guy’s really more insane than I like to work for.
Phillips – Carter, you are in trouble. I can’t do anything about Stark because he’s a civilian, but you lost the only super soldier we had!
Carter – Boy, I wish Steve would show up right about now.
Steve – Hey, everyone, I’m back! And guess who I have with me!
Phillips – Fine, fine, he did good.
Steve – And I can provide vital intelligence on HYDRA’s organization.
Phillips – Ok, you assemble a team and start wiping HYDRA off the map.
Steve – Awesome! This is what I wanted in the first place!
Steve – Ok, guys who are clearly the Howling Commandos but never named as such, I want you as my team. And Bucky can come along too.
Bucky – Gee, thanks, although I guess I do deserve that.
Carter – I’m going to strongly hint that if you asked, I’d totally dance with you if you know what I mean. As long as you don’t screw it up by doing something stupid.
Steve – That’s awesome too! [[but proceeds to be kissed by a female soldier soon afterwards which clearly upsets Carter]]
Stark – So I’ve thought about how to upgrade your armor. I’ve got a lot of ideas for armor…
Steve – I like this plain round shield.
Stark – Really? It is totally bulletproof and also the only one in the world, but I could get you something with lasers.
Steve – Not necessary. Just paint it with the flag and I’m good to go.
[[montage of Captain America and the Howling Commandos taking out all of the HYDRA facilities with the Red Skull getting more and more upset; one scene also shows Steve is still carrying a torch for Carter]]
Bureaucrat 1 – Schmidt! The Fuhrer is very upset you haven’t returned his calls and are getting all your bases wiped out by the Allies. What do you have to say to that?
Red Skull – Just stand there on the ‘x’ for a moment… [[fiddles with some equipment]]
Bureaucrat 2 – Hey! It looks like you’re planning to take over the world by yourself! We’re going to tell on you!
[[Red Skull proceeds to disintegrate them with his super-science laser]]
Red Skull – I am not having my brilliant plans disrupted by unimaginative bureaucrats. However, that was a pretty good test run. Everyone back to work.
Icy Train Tracks:
Steve – Ok, everyone, here’s our most dangerous mission yet! We repel down to that train and take out Zola. I’m sure this will go smoothly.
Bucky – Easter egg and sequel shout-out: If I was wearing a domino mask in this scene, I’d look exactly like the Winter Soldier. And suddenly I’m not sure about this mission…
[[the mission does not go smoothly; while Bucky proves he’s brave, he ultimately gets blown right out of the train and falls into an icy river which is no way foreshadowing or referencing Bucky’s demise in the comics; on the plus side, the Commandos do take in Zola]]
Phillips – Here’s the deal. You’re the only HYDRA guy we’ve picked up that hasn’t killed himself, so I think you want to live. Unfortunately, the only way to save yourself is to work with us and hope we can protect you from the Red Skull because he’ll just kill you outright since you’re a liability. What do you say?
Zola – I really needed to get a new boss. Schmidt’s plan is to take over the world. And believe me, he can do it.
Phillips – Ok, give us the location of his base and we’ll take care of this.
Steve – Do you know I can’t even get drunk?
Carter – There are some downsides to this super soldier process. But we’re going to take out Schmidt now, so you’ll get the chance to avenge Bucky.
Steve – So there are two people I have to avenge? This is starting to form a pattern…
HYDRA Base 2:
[[Steve again manages to infiltrate the base]]
Red Skull – A toast to my genius!
Steve – Not so fast!
[[cue the entire unit attacking the base]]
Red Skull – I didn’t think anyone would be stupid enough to try a frontal assault. Who does that? That’s insane! Kill them!
Howling Commandos – It’s working for us. Your guys are losing!
Red Skull – They have machine guns. We have disintegration laser weapons! How are we losing?!
Howling Commandos – Dude, our comics are full of us pulling stunts like this. We’re insaner than you and totally kick-ass awesome!
Red Skull – Whatever. I’ll take the aeroplane and bomb your country myself. [[takes off]]
Steve – How can I catch that plane now?
Phillips – Turns out the Red Skull put a turbo booster in his car. Hop in. Also, if you want to kiss Carter, you’d better do so now.
Steve – That’s a good idea [[he and Carter kiss right before he jumps onto the plane; while there he beats up a few bad guys before getting to the cockpit]] Ok, you and me, Schmidt.
Red Skull – That’s fine, as long as you don’t do anything stupid like accidentally destroy the power and control mechanism.
[[Steve manages to destroy the power and control mechanism during the fight]]
Red Skull – Yes, that! That’s what I’m talking about you American idiot! [[pulls out the glowing cube]]
Steve – Are you sure you should be doing that? It looks dangerous.
Red Skull – You understand nothing! Nothing! [[cube glows ominiously and the Red Skull gets all melted and disappears; the cube then melts through the ship and falls into the ocean]]
Steve – Clearly that’s a guy who never watched Raiders of the Lost Ark. Nazis and cube-shaped objects of divine power do not mix. Sequel shout-out: Of course he’s not dead; he’s my mortal enemy. Obviously he’s in the cube and will be released later. Anyway, let’s see if I can fly this thing. Steve to anyone who can hear me.
Carter (radio) – Steve! What’s going on?
Steve – Well, I defeated the Red Skull, but I accidentally destroyed the power and control mechanism for the ‘plane, so pretty much all I can do to prevent these bombs from blowing up the Eastern seaboard is to crash into the Arctic Sea.
Carter (radio) – You have no mechanism for releasing the bombs right now allowing you to glide the plane in somewhere?
Steve – Well, the Nazis were able to release the bombs as has already been demonstrated, but there’s just not enough time for me to release the ones that are left. Self-sacrifice is the only route.
Carter (radio) – I’m not really sure that makes a lot of sense. I mean, you’re in enough control of it to head it to the Arctic…
Steve – There’s just no other way! *crashing sounds*
Stark – Did you find anything?
Technician – Only this cube thing.
Stark – How important can that be? It’s not like it’s an object of Infinite Power or cosmic importance or anything. Keep looking for Steve.
1940s Era-Looking Hospital room:
Steve – Where am I?
Agent – You’re in a recovery room with a completely time-period appropriate baseball game being broadcast. We’ll explain everything.
Steve – This is a hoax! I was at that baseball game. I’m busting out of here! [[does so, because he is a super soldier after all]]
Agent – Hm, well that was a severe lapse in intelligence. How hard would it have been to find a broadcast of a game that occurred after Captain America disappeared so there would be no way he’d recognize it?
Steve – Where am I?!
Ultimate Nick Fury – Stand down, Captain. There’s a lot to explain, which we don’t have any screen time for, but the audience can assume you do get that explanation. The short version is that you’ve been in stasis for 70 years.
Steve – 70 years?! So everyone I’ve ever known and loved is dead, and clearly the world has advanced in leaps and bounds without me. Man, I cannot express how much this sucks.
Fury – Hey, cheer up. Pretty much no one else would have survived being frozen like that *cough*BuckyBarnes*cough*.
Steve – What?
Fury – Anyway, I’d like you to lead a team of superheroes to save the world.
Steve – Sure, why not? It’s not like I have anything else to do.
UNF – Save the brooding for the sequel, and that’s an order, soldier.