or, “Ego in a Can”
Soldier – You are the coolest billionaire weapons manufacturer in the world, Mr. Stark.
Tony – Yeah, I know. I am the most awesome guy. I’m drinking scotch, I’m flirting with the driver, and riding along in an armored personnel carrier.
[[The transport is attacked and Tony ends up nearly blown up despite the bulletproof vest]]
Tony – Not cool, man, not cool. [[passes out; wakes briefly as terrorists appear taping his kidnapping for some reason]] Time for a flashback so everyone knows how I got here.
Rhodes – Tony Stark is the most awesome guy in the world. He was a child prodigy, can actually machine stuff too, which is really awesome. So when his dad died, Obedia Stane took over the company, but he eventually took back over again and has just produced the most awesome weaponry ever, which is why he’s getting this award. Right Tony? Right? Tony? Oh, he did not ditch me like a self-absorbed jerk.
Tony – [[Throwing craps]] Man, I love Las Vegas. Dude, Rhody, you are totally killing my luck what with staring at me like that. What? Fine, whatever. Hey, an annoying yet totally hot reporter. Want to go back to my place and get an exclusive?
Hot Reporter – Exclusive? Please. Everyone knows what kind of guy you are.
Tony – And…?
Hot Reporter – Sure!
Tony’s Bachelor Pad:
Hot Reporter – Hello? Tony? Anyone home?
Pepper – He’s gone down to the garage to prove he’s capable of both inventing things and machining his inventions. I’ve been left to take out the trash, as it were.
Hot Reporter – He is such a self-absorbed jerk!
Tony’s Bachelor Pad Garage:
Pepper – I got rid of the reporter. Do you know you’re three hours late to fly to Iraq to demonstrate the most destructive weapon Stark Industries has ever produced?
Tony – Yeah. Isn’t it cool how I have this super-awesome artificial intelligence and can actually make things?
Pepper – Of course it is. Shouldn’t you be leaving seeing as how you’re late?
Tony – Probably. Hey, you know you’re totally hot. I’m not opposed to a little work place boss-assistant affair since I’m the boss and all.
Pepper – *frosty sigh* You are such a self-absorbed jerk.
Flight to Iraq:
Rhodes – Your private jet has a stripper pole? Seriously? I think that pretty much says everything about your character.
Tony – Yeah, totally. More booze, honeybun, and fewer clothes!
[[Tony gets to Iraq, demostrates the weapon, gets captured; [end flashback] finally wakes up in a cave with metal in his chest and hooked up to a car battery with a nice bald man with glasses who speaks several languages]]
Tony – Why the hell am I hooked up to a car battery?
Doctor – The electromagnet is the only way to prevent the shrapnel from reaching and puncturing your heart.
Tony – Ok, this sucks.
Doctor – Also, you’ve been captured by terrorists.
Tony – I need a drink.
Doctor – And alcohol is banned in this society.
Tony – Damn it!
Terrorist – We have many crates of your weaponry. You will use this inferior junk as raw materials to build that totally sweet uber-weapon.
Tony – Junk? This stuff is still top of the line. Where did you get all my stuff anyway?
Terrorist – The black market. Duh. Anyway, you build this thing and we probably won’t kill you right away. The doctor can help you.
Tony – Ok, it sounds a little far-fetched that I can machine an extraordinarily complicated missile system trapped in a cave and using only the crudest of blacksmithing implements and a ten-year old laptop, but it seems you’re not giving me a choice. What the hell.
Doctor – I can’t help but notice you’re not machining an extraordinarily complicated missile system. It looks to me like you’re inventing something a hundred times more complicated and yet think you will pull this off trapped in a cave and using only the crudest of blacksmithing implements and a ten-year old laptop?
Tony – If I don’t, it won’t be much of a movie.
Doctor – That’s a fair point. Let’s get to it.
Terrorist – I can’t help but notice that doesn’t look like a missile. It looks like you replaced the car battery with a different power source which while admittedly cool is not what we’re interested in. You have one week to give us our damn missile or we kill you.
Tony – Right. Time to fire up the totally awesome metal suit I built. Doc, you and me are busting out of here.
Doctor – Actually, I’ve already lost everything I’ve ever known and loved. I’m going to sacrifice my life so that you may escape and find a purpose in your life, and grow past the empty, carnal existence you have known up until now.
Tony – Did you see that flashback? I’m flattered and all, but I’m all about an empty, carnal existence.
Doctor – Sorry, it’s in the script or else I wouldn’t believe it could happen. You’re going to have to grow up and grow a conscience.
Tony – Man, that sucks. [[proceeds to use his homemade iron suit to bust out of the cave, destroy most of the weapons and terrorists and launch himself into the desert while the doctor sacrifices himself to help Tony escape; miraculously, Tony does not die when his suit crashes or perish in the trackless desert and in fact gets back to civilization, leaving his prototype suit and all his plans in the hands of the terrorists]]
Stane – Tony, you’re alive. That’s great. Just great. Fabulous. Great. I am so thrilled you have returned to us after three months of being presumed dead.
Tony – Good thing I’m not really paying attention to you or I might have noticed that wasn’t entirely sincere. Oh, good, a press conference. I’ve got a plan.
Stane – I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Agent Coulson – Excuse me, Mr. Stark, I’m from the Strategic Homeland Intelligence and Espionage Logistics and Defense agency…
Tony – Ok, I fell asleep in the middle of the name so I don’t know whether I’ve heard of that agency before, but anyway, you’re not a totally hot chick, so make an appointment with my assistant while I go make an announcement.
Stane – Oh lord. An “announcement.”
Tony – Ok, so after my harrowing ordeal being a POW for three months and barely escaping with my life, it occurred to me that while I love my country and always thought the weapons I made helped protect my country, I found out I was wrong.
Reporters – Look, just give us the lead.
Tony – Stark Industries is no longer manufacturing weapons.
Reporters – Now that’s what we’re talking about. [[sensation ensues]]
Stane – Oh, &#$@! Ok, Tony, here, you sit back and relax and recover from your PTSD while I try to keep the company from completely tanking.
Tony – Well, if you think that’s best. That’s fine. I’ve got a project I want to work on.
Tony’s Bachelor Pad:
Tony – Right, and now the montage of how I get superpowers. First, upgrade my heart battery. Second, build totally awesome suit with flight and weaponry capabilities. [[Assistant robot hoses him down after first test]] Note to self, after completing suit, upgrade AI on assistant robots to something a little smarter than a Scutter. [[Suit is successfully tested, more or less]] And now put some cherry red over the gold because I am still Tony Stark, after all, and even my super-suit has to be tricked out like a sports car. Pepper, please dispose of the heart battery Mark 1.
Pepper – I made you a keepsake out of it instead.
Tony – You really do care! Or else it’s some sort of plot point.
Tony – Pepper! Let’s dance! [[they dance]] Look, I have a conscience. I’m not a complete self-absorbed jerk.
Pepper – How do I know that’s true?
Tony – Er. Well, I’ve grown up enough to realize I used to be a complete self-absorbed jerk. Does that count anything?
Pepper – Er. Well, it may. Oh boy. I mean, everyone knows what kind of guy you are.
Tony – I’m better now. I have a purpose in life.
Pepper – I need a drink.
Tony – I can do that for you. I’ll be right back. Hey, totally Hot Reporter. I’m not doing those kind of random hook-ups anymore. I’ve grown up.
Hot Reporter – Whatever. I actually have a serious career and I just found out your company is still dealing in weapons. What do you have to say to that?
Tony – Er. I need to go talk to Obedia. Heh. Excuse me. Obedia, are we still making weapons and are we also dealing them “under the table” so to speak?
Stane – Yep. Well, hell, how do you think we’ve been so profitable? And there’s not a damn thing you can do about it because I got you thrown off the Board of Directors. Bye bye now.
Agent Coulson – Excuse me, Mr. Stark, I’m from the Strategic Homeland Intelligence…
Tony – Name too long, talk to Pepper, got to go.
Middle Eastern Weapons Arsenal:
Tony – Not a damn thing, huh, Obedia? I think me and my super-suit have a thing or two we can do about this. [[proceeds to blow up arsenal without harming any civilians]] Dude, that was totally awesome. [[Phone call from Rhodes]]
Rhodes – Hey, Tony, look, there’s something weird happening in the desert…
Tony – Er, there’s a thing I have to deal with, static on the line, got to go. [[takes out a tank, because he can]]
Rhodes – Jerk. Ok, fighters, scramble and find out what just blew up out there.
Tony (comm) – Hey, Rhody, it’s Tony here…
Rhodes – Yeah, I know, look there’s thing I have to deal with…
Tony (comm) – It’s me. Please call off your fighters before they blow me up.
Rhodes – *blink* *blink blink* Ok, everyone, that was just a drill. Repeat, just a drill. Heh, ok, come back in fighters. Nothing to see here, we’re all fine here…
Tony’s Bachelor Pad:
Tony – Look, I know this thing comes off. Man, I hope no one finds me like this. That would be embarrassing and awkward.
Pepper – Um, Tony?
Tony – Embarrassing and awkward, but not as bad as some other things you’ve caught me doing.
Pepper – Sadly true. And you wonder why I won’t date you.
Tony – No, actually, I’m beginning to figure it out.
Terrorist – Stane, you told us to kidnap your boss without telling us that’s what we’re doing. I feel betrayed. And now you want this scrap we got from the desert and all these bits of paper?
Stane – Boy, do I ever.
Terrorist – Give us weapons, and you got a deal.
Stane – Yeah, I could do that. Or I could have my private mercenary army kill you and then I’ll take everything anyway. Which do you think is going to happen?
Terrorist – Damn it.
Stark Research and Development:
Stane – Ok, people, I gave you all the plans to make this suit and all the money and all the tools and a whole bunch of time. Why isn’t this thing ready to go?
Scientist – We can’t duplicate the power source.
Stane – “Tony Stark did it! In a cave! With scrap!”
Scientist – We aren’t that smart, I guess.
Stane – You are &#$@ing kidding me. Fine, fine, I’ll do it the hard way.
Stark Industries, Stane’s Office:
Pepper – Ok, so Tony built a super-suit, took out a bunch of bad guys, and now wants me to help him get evidence that Obedia is a black market weapons dealer. He sure picked a hell of a time to grow a conscience. [[gets evidence]]
Stane – Pepper, you weren’t doing anything like hacking my private files, were you? Because you know I’d have to…terminate you.
Pepper – No, of course not. Excuse me.
Stane – [[checks computer]] Damn it. Well, that’s another person to kill.
Agent Coulson – Excuse me, Ms. Potts, I’m from the Strategic Homeland…
Pepper – Name too long, follow me.
Agent Coulson – I’m sorry, what? You’re not just blowing me off?
Pepper – Nope, I’m telling you everything and hoping a witness will keep me from being killed as soon as I step foot outside. Come on.
Agent Coulson – Ok, then. I’m just glad to have my existence acknowledged.
Tony’s Bachelor Pad:
Stane – Ok, Tony, I’ve temporarily paralyzed you but it’s enough time to steal this heart battery thing and leave you for dead. So long, sucker.
Tony – *wheeze* [[manages to make it down stairs before his heart stops and plugs the Mark 1 back in]] I’m glad Pepper kept this thing.
Rhodes – Dude, you’ve got a super-suit. That’s awesome. Are you taking down Obedia?
Tony – As long as the power source holds up. It wasn’t really built to power this suit but that’s not important right now.
Rhodes – Man, I want one of those! That would be the sweetest thing ever.
Tony – Pepper, I know where Obedia is and I’m going to need your help to destroy the suit.
Pepper – Right, then, I’ve got these nice agency people here to help, so just tell me what to do.
Agent Coulson – My existence is both acknowledged and useful!
[[Tony and Obedia engage in a heated, seven minute combat over the R&D facility]]
Stane – Seven minutes? That’s it? Venom got more screen time! No way I’m going out like this!
Tony – Yeah, way. Pepper, blow the electrical generator.
Pepper – You could die too!
Tony – That’s ok!
Pepper – Ok…
[[Core blows and destroys the Iron Monger armor and kills Stane in the process]]
Tony – Ok, I’m going to take a little nap now as my battery gives out…
Tony – “Iron man.” I like that. Makes me sound like a totally cool superhero, who also needs a totally awesome girlfriend…
Pepper – One you won’t leave standing outside on a balcony waiting for a drink?
Tony – Er… That… So I’m taking that as a no?
Pepper – Or a hell no. Whichever works for you.
Agent Coulson – Oooo, snap.
Tony – No one asked you, Mr. Strategic Homeland Whatsit…
Agent Coulson – SHIELD, sir. Just read the cue cards. We made all the excuses. All we need is for you not to screw it up.
Tony – Hey everyone, I’m Iron Man!
Reporters – Score! [[sensation ensues]]
Agent Coulson – Yeah, and that would be screwing it up.
Tony – Ok, the lights are out, the AI is out, and Samuel L. Jackson is standing my living room wearing a trenchcoat and eye-patch. Ominous…
Ultimate Nick Fury – I’m here to talk to you about the sequel initiative.
Tony – Sweet!