or, “Why? Why why make this terrible movie?”
Profion – Hahahaha! I am a very powerful wizard who wants to take over the world! Even though my name sounds like a hair-regrowth pill! Now, I’m going to try an experiment to control a green dragon on this specimen I happen to have in my basement. [[the experiment kills the dragon]] Oh, well, no big deal. I’m sure I can find another one without a problem. Mooks, go get that doddardly wizard from the wizard school.
Empress – I would like wizards and non-wizards to live in harmony.
Wizards – You keep dreaming, Empress.
Empress – I also have this hugely powerful artifact that controls gold dragons. I’ll call them in to stomp you if I have to.
Wizards – Well, that’s different. We’ll think about it. Not!
Snails – Stealing from a wizard school? Is this a good idea? Shouldn’t every single inch of this place be lethally trapped? I mean, isn’t that what wizards do?
Ridley – [[opens a window with no effort]] Apparently not here. Ok, let’s grab some loot and go.
Snails – This seems way too easy.
Marina – Hey, you, stop!
Snails – And I was right.
Ridley – What is a first level wizard going to do?
Marina – This! [[wraps them up in a rope thing spell]]
Ridley – Ok, this is a problem.
Doddardly wizard – What’s all this then?
Mooks – Get that guy! [[they shoot the wizard]]
Doddardly wizard – Take this! [[hands scroll to Marina]] Run! [[dies]]
Marina – Ahhhhh! [[she blasts the mooks backwards and then opens up a portal and escapes, accidentally dragging the two thieves with her; the come out a short distance away and fall on a dwarf named Elwood]] Oh no, I have this scroll that has a map to an enormously powerful weapon and those guys are sure to come after me!
Ridley – The only choice is to find the weapon and use it against those guys.
Marina – Ok, I don’t know how to make the scroll work. Also, I’m pretty sure it’s a terrible idea to go after this thing since we’re all only first level. I don’t even have a spellbook!
Ridley – Yeah, but you did that awesome blasty spell thing and can do that portal spell thing. That’s got to be pretty high level, right?
Marina – Yeah, I’m really only as a good a wizard as the plot demands.
Ridley – Wow, seriously? I guess the screenwriters didn’t bother to think this through, which doesn’t bode well for the rest of this movie.
Elwood – Don’t worry, I’ll go with you because you guys are seriously going to need some help.
Ridley – Really? Just like that?
Elwood – Yes, I guess. Just go with it, kid.
Damodar – Ok, so the wizard gave some girl the scroll and then she opened the portal spell thing and escaped.
Profion – WHAT?!?!?! No one fails Profion!! Or out over-acts Profion!!! I’m going to stick this terrible monster in your head that will kill you if you fail again and you’re going to get that scroll back you moron!!
Damodar – Right boss. But I don’t know where they went.
Profion – *facepalm* Then I will hire an elf ranger to track them because that’s all rangers are good for.
Ridley – Do you hear something?
Snails – Nope. With my keen rogue-y senses and high spot check, I would know if someone was following us.
[[enter the elf ranger who appears to be half drow]]
Norda – Keen rogue-y senses, huh?
Snails – You are totally hot for a half-drow!
Norda – Just elf. There’s no way the screenwriters are getting that detailed for this movie. Anyway, as just an elf, I am way too old for you.
Marina – Isn’t anyone going to ask why we’re being followed by a half-drow, I mean, elf ranger? It is kind of suspicious.
Ridley – I’m sure it’s fine.
Norda – Actually, the evil wizard Profion hired me to track you down and take that scroll, but it turns out I really work for the Empress so I’m going to help you out.
Ridley – Really? Just like that?
Norda – Yes, I guess. Just go with it, kid.
Marina – This would be better if we knew where we were going.
Ridley – Hey, without any magical training whatsoever I have managed to unlock one of the secrets of the scroll. We just have to go this village here on the map and get a giant diamond which will allow us to enter the secret cave and get a weapon that will allow the wielder to control red dragons.
Marina – This is not fair! You don’t know a damn thing about magic! You shouldn’t be able to do that!
Ridley – Yes, but I’m clearly the hero. I even have a last name – Freeborn.
Marina – What, seriously? A rogue named “Freeborn?” Oh, yeah, that’s creative.
Elwood – My last name is “Gutworthy.”
Norda – Of course. As an elf, I don’t need a last name.
Marina – And I’m stuck with “Pretensa.” Hell, why didn’t the screenwriters just name me “Snotty Wizard Girl” and be done with it?
Snails – I don’t appear to have a last name like the rest of the main characters and I am a black dude. Is that something I should be worried about?
Ridley – I’m sure it doesn’t portend your horrible death later in the movie. Let’s go.
Den of Thieves:
Ridley – Say hello, Riff!
King of Thieves – Hello.
Ridley – Can I have your big diamond?
King of Thieves – If you can survive the deadly maze of traps, of course you may. And I am in no way lying.
Snails – Well, of course not. You’re the King of Thieves. Why would you lie?
Ridley – Wow, the King of Thieves betrayed us! I never saw that coming!
Marina – Yeah, no surprises there.
[[This moment Damodar and his minions decide to attack so there’s a great big fight which results in Marina getting captured by the bad guys]]
Marina – I suppose there had to be one in a movie with this title. I just wish I wasn’t in it.
Damodar – My brain-leech thing is going to suck your brain for all the information you have about the Rod of Savrille that controls red dragons. [[does so]]
Marina – Ok, so that’ll give me nightmares for the rest of my life.
Snails – Ok, so how are we going to rescue your girlfriend?
Ridley – She’s not my girlfriend, and I’ll figure something out.
Snails – Shouldn’t we have brought Elwood and Norda? They seem to be, you know, competent and probably at least level 4. Then again, those beholders have a challenge rating way higher than we can handle.
Ridley – It’ll be fine. [[uses the old “throw the rock” trick on creatures that have no less than 10 eyestalks!!! It literally has eyes in the back of its head! Its body is mostly eyeball!! Seriously, is there a creature in the entire Monster Manual less likely to fall for that old fake-out?!?]] See, no problem. Let’s split up and find Marina.
Snails – I have a bad feeling about this.
[[Ridley manages to free Marina which may be the only thing one could reasonably expect from a rogue thus far; however, Snails gets caught in a trap and captured by Damodar]]
Ridley – Hey, you let him go!
Damodar – I think I’ll kill him instead.
Snails – Dude, really?
Damodar – You’re the token black guy, the plucky comic relief, and have no last name unlike the other good guys. What did you think was going to happen?
Snails – Aw, man.
[[Damodar kills Snails]]
Ridley – [[falls to his knees and screams at the crane jib]] NOOOOOOO!!!
Damodar – Wow, that was a totally believable bit of acting. Not!
Ridley – Hey, you’re not one to talk here! I kill you now! [[attacks Damodar with predictably poor results]]
Marina – Right, we need to get out of here! [[pick-pockets Damodar’s Bag O’ Generic spell components, blasts him away with that awesome spell, casts a portal spell, and they escape to the elves’ forest]]
Marina – I’m sorry Snails died, but it sure was nice of the elves to heal you up like that.
Ridley – Why didn’t you use that blasty spell thing before Snails got shanked?
Marina – I told you, I’m only as good a wizard as the plot demands. I really wanted to help.
Ridley – I’m going to be unnecessarily angsty and mean to you even though you saved my life! Again!
Marina – I can’t believe we’re going to end up together.
Elwood – Well, look, we still need to find that Rod thing, right? So let’s go and stop the brooding.
[[the group attempts to enter the cave but there’s an invisible barrier and only Ridley can pass through]]
Norda – So, is anyone going to explain why the rogue is the only person who can get through?
Ridley – I have a destiny. Also, I may be a sorcerer too.
Norda – Is that it? I guess so.
[[Ridley makes his way through a very un-trapped cave to easily find the rod in the hands of a skeleton]]
Skeleton/Lich – Hey!
Ridley – GAH!
Skeleton/Lich – That’s my Rod!
Ridley – Um, can I have it?
Skeleton/Lich – What the hell. But be warned, it’s dangerous.
Ridley – Er, thanks for that.
[[Ridley exits the cave to find Damodar and his troops have captured everyone]]
Damodar – It was nice of you to do all that work for me. Give me the Rod and I’ll hand over your party.
Ridley – Damn it. Alright, here you go.
[[Damodar is actually good to his word and heads back to deliver the Rod to Profion]]
Elwood – So now what?
Ridley – We go to the city and stop Profion!
Marina – How?
Ridley – I’ll figure something out.
City, Imperial Tower:
Empress – So, did the wizards agree to equality?
Adviser – Um, no. They barricaded themselves in a tower and are prepared to lay siege on the city.
Empress – That’s no good. [[wields her gold rod and a flight of gold dragons flies over the city to attack the wizards]]
City, Wizards’ Tower:
Wizards – Ok, dragons. Well, we should have expected that with a movie with this title. So now what do we do?
Profion – Fight dragons with dragons! [[in a dazzling display of hammishness not yet seen in this film, he calls in a flight of red dragons, thus complicating the fight considerably]]
Citizen 1 – [[dodging fireballs]] So whose bright idea was it to use dragons to fight wizards?
Citizen 2 – [[dodging dead dragon bits falling from the sky]] I don’t know, but I want to have words with them, and whoever thought it was a good idea to fight dragons with dragons!
Citizen 1 – Seriously! I think my house just got crushed under a dragon body!
Citizen 2 – This totally sucks!
City, Wizards’ Tower:
Marina – How did we sneak in so easily again?
Ridley – Hey, don’t ruin it. I’m going to kill Damodar!
Damodar – Kid, you haven’t even gotten close to laying a blade on me this entire movie. What makes you think you can kill me now?
Ridley – I’m the hero, and you’re not. [[manages to backstab him]]
Damodar – Lame! [[dies; no one is sorry]]
Ridley – Let’s get Profion!
Profion – You know, I may be a ham of epic proportions, but I am also a high-level wizard. [[easily takes them down with a few spells]] See?
Ridley – But I’m the hero! [[manages to take the Rod away]] Look, I’m a bigger ham than you are and I’m scary powerful! [[contorts his face in a simulation of concentration and effort and uses the Rod to summon exactly one red dragon]]
Profion – Oooo, one dragon. I’m sooo scared.
Marina – Now, Ridley, put down the Rod which I think is corrupting you with its power. Or causing some sort of seizure. I’m not sure.
Ridley – Okey dokey! I’m the hero! [[smashes the rod and all the red dragons fly away]]
Profion – Well, that’s swell. Now you don’t even have one dragon. How are you going to stop me again?
Marina – Roll your spot check and see if you notice the dragon behind you.
Profion – [[rolls a 1 on his d20]] What gold dragon? [[is chomped by the giant gold dragon he completely failed to notice]]
Marina – I have never been so glad wizards typically have terrible spot check modifiers.
Empress – Me either.
City, Imperial Tower:
Empress – Now that the battle is over, I’m announcing my plan to balance the socio-economic situation between wizards and non-wizards. My plan is this – you are all now equal.
Adviser – That’s it?
Empress – Is there more to trying to establish equality than just saying so?
Adviser – *facepalm*
[[Ridley places a stone on the grave of Snails]]
Ridley – Well, buddy, we won. And we leveled as shown by the new clothes.
Marina – So now what?
Ridley – Well, we’re an adventuring party and missing one member of our five-person group. Clearly we need to go on an adventure and maybe find a cleric to give us some healing capacity.
Elwood – Good plan! Let’s go!
[[They go off to a new adventure and the cheap special effects at the end promises a sequel which the viewers can only hope never ever gets made, or if it does, ends up a made-for-TV-movie]]