or, “I hope Hugh Jackman got a LOT of Money for This”
or, “Deadpool is Way More Awesome Than This”
Mr. Howlett – There, there, Jimmy, you just rest and get better, okay?
Young James – *Cough* *Wheeze* Okay Dad.
Young Victor – I’ll just be standing here filing my claw-like fingers to establish that I started out a complete pscyhopath. By the way, my father Mr. Logan is bellowing for you, sir.
Mr. Howlett – I’m sure this will only take a moment. [[goes downstairs to end up shot by Mr. Logan; young James runs downstairs to witness his father expire]]
Young James – I will now wail dramatically at the crane jib… NOOOO!!! [[pops cute little bone claws]] You killed my father; prepare to die! [[impales Mr. Logan with the cute little bone claws]]
Mr. Logan – Er, actually, I am your father, not Mr. Howlett. [[dies]]
Young James – Well, great. This has been a day full of emotional scarring and I hear some sort of enforcement agency on the way and I really do not want to have to explain any of this.
Young Victor – Let’s run away. We’re brothers, so we’ll take care of each other and everything will be just fine.
Young James – Whatever. I’m only nine years old and I just killed my father. I’m up for anything at this point.
[[The history of warfare montage, focused on Victor and James]]
Logan – I thought my last name was “Howlett.” Why am I suddenly going by Logan? Isn’t this kind of an important point in my origin story?
Victor – Look, awesome action scenes! Pay no attention to the holes in the plot!
Logan – Alrighty, then. I can’t help but notice, Victor, you’re becoming more bloodthirsty and feral as we grow older, which is a disturbing trend. I really don’t want to have to fight you.
Victor – *snarl**growl*
Logan – See, that’s what I’m talking about.
[[The montage ends in Vietnam and a firing squad]]
Stryker – So, for two guys who just got executed, you seem to be in remarkably good health. Consider yourselves discharged from the army. Would you like to work for me? You can travel the world and kill all sorts of new and interesting people with minimal oversight.
Victor – Sign me up.
Logan – Er, well, I guess since I have nothing better to do and I need to keep an eye on my brother.
The first and only mission of the Stryke-team in the movie:
Bradley/Bolt – I have the power of machine telepathy.
Agent Zero – I can totally shoot anything and everything.
Wraith – I can teleport, like a ghost, see?
Dukes/Blob – I’m really strong and nearly invulnerable, and in really good shape.
Wade Wilson – I am totally awesome with my sword man Dukes you are like totally strong okay I have to go kill some people now and damn did I mention I am totally awesome?
The team – *blink* *blink* Well, I think that scene just established why he is “the merc with a mouth.”
Wade Wilson – I’m pretty sure that was the whole point of it since I get what, three lines? I feel like some sort of lousy marketing tool, like a faceless panel of marketing executives got together and thought, “Gee, which popular characters can we shove into this movie as a field test to see if we could make money from their own individual movies?” Man, makes we want to kill something. Good thing I’m on this team.
[[The team ends up accosting a poor African village to locate a meteorite and Logan has to stop Victor from killing the chief for no good reason]]
Victor – Jimmy, why do you have to spoil all my fun?
Logan – Whatever. This whole thing is totally messed up. I am out of here.
Canada (again) ~1978:
Logan – I’m a lumberjack and I’m okay; I sleep all night and I work all day. And I’m also dating a totally hot chick. What could possibly go wrong?
Bradley/Bolt – So I’m working in the freak show. Unsurprising, I guess.
Victor – Hey, I’m here to kill you.
Bradley/Bolt – What else would you be here for? That’s all you do.
Victor – That’s a fair point.
Stryker – James, Victor is killing my old team. Please rejoin so I can give you the tools to go stop him before anyone else dies.
Logan – Stuff it.
Silverfox – This is where I tell you a Native American legend about some poor guy who is tricked into giving up everything he ever loved and incidentally is called “Wolverine.” Not that this is foreshadowing in any way…
Logan – You are totally hot.
[[Victor kills Silverfox causing Logan to again wail dramatically at the crane jib]]
Alkali Lake Base:
Stryker – I’m glad you came around. This is the Weapon X project. We want to take the metal we distilled from that meteorite we got in Africa, heat it until it’s molten, and inject it into your bones. It’s going to hurt more than you can possibly imagine and may kill you. But you’ll be able to take down your brother no problem, if all goes according to plan.
Logan – Sure, whatever you want. Life has no meaning without the woman I loved. I am filled with hate and the desire for revenge. Also, call me Wolverine when we’re done, as that story she told me is sudden really relevant.
Stryker – That’s a lot of brooding for a short scene.
Logan – I know.
[[The procedure goes off without a hitch; well, Logan dies for a few minutes, but that mutant healing factor kicks in and he revives]]
Stryker – Okay, since he seems to have survived, wipe out his memories.
Random general – What?! Why didn’t you do that before you made him nigh indestructible?
Stryker – Didn’t think of it. Why?
Wolverine – Because I am about to tear this place to shreds, you two-faced YARGHHH!!!. [[proceeds to do his damnedest to rip the place apart and escapes]]
Stryker – Okay, yes, perhaps it would have been prudent to wipe his memories first. Live and learn, I guess.
Random general – I am so going to fire you for incompetence unless you have some sure-fire method of retrieving him.
Stryker – Luckily I have these adamantium bullets to stop him.
Random general – Really? Adamantium bullets? Seriously? What, are you going to do something totally lame like shoot him in the head and expect that to wipe his memories considering the opening montage demonstrated that four wars worth of bullets have had very little effect on permanently damaging him in any way?
Stryker – And this is why I’m going to kill you later.
Nice Old Woman – Wow, a naked Hugh Jackman. But it’s going to take more than some gratuitous nudity to distract the audience from the plot holes.
Nice Old Man – Right, I’d better get that boy some pants.
Wolverine – It’s so nice of you to take me in, give me clothes, let me sleep in your barn, and generally not be freaked out by my sudden appearance and inexplicable destruction of a cast-iron porcelain coated sink.
Nice Old Man – Well, you know, we’re old. We’ll also give you a kick-ass orange and brown bomber jacket and I’ll show you my totally sweet motorcycle.
Wolverine – Wow, this is great. Maybe I can cope with all this…
[[Nice Old Woman and Nice Old Man are killed by Agent Zero who then attempts to kill Wolverine with missiles]]
Wolverine – You know, or not. Now, witness the awesome fight scene!
[[Wolverine takes out an armored truck and helicopter without so much as a scratch and blows up Agent Zero in the process which frankly somehow fails to be quite as awesome as it should be]]
Wolverine – Ok, Wraith, you tell me where to find Stryker and Victor. And what the hell happened to Dukes? He’s a giant blob. He looks like Fat Bastard.
Dukes/Blob – Thanks. That’s nice, real nice. Jerk. It’s not my fault I got shafted in the make-up department. Anyway, all those mutants we rounded up for experiments after you left were taken to some island. Find a guy called Remy LeBeau, or Gambit, and he can take you to the island and you’ll find both of them.
Wolverine – You mean Stryker and Victor were working together all along? I never saw that coming!
Wraith – Well, you never were much of a thinker. I’m coming with you because it seems I’m the token black guy and don’t have a choice.
Wolverine – You do know what happens to the token black guy, right?
Wraith – Aw, damn it!
Scott Summers – Man, this blows. Detention because I have to wear sunglasses.
Victor – And life’s about to get way worse for you. [[Scott blows up half the school with his eye beams and is captured by Victor and Stryker]]
Stryker – And let’s take him in with all the others. You know, just to establish I am a total creep who’s been kidnapping children.
Victor – I’m pretty sure everyone knows you’re a total creep by now anyway. This is just icing on the complete bastard cake.
New Orleans Seedy Casino:
Wolverine – So you’re Gambit. For a guy on the movie poster, I would have figured you’d have showed up much sooner.
Gambit – Yeah, well, you know, all those awesome fight scenes make it hard to flesh out characters.
Wolverine – Aren’t you supposed to be Cajun? What happened to your accent?
Gambit – Okay, I’m not taking you to that damn island, and you shut the hell up about my accent. [[flings enough charged cards at Wolverine to blow him into the back alley]]
Wraith – As the token black guy, I have to go get myself gratuitously killed. Damn it.
Victor – Sorry, man, you know the rules. But it is really pathetic a teleporter gets killed like this. Nightcrawler was totally awesome in “X-men 2.” You’re just lame.
Wraith – Gee, thanks. [[dies]]
Victor – And what the hell was that explosion? Oh, it’s Wolverine. Well, that’s convenient.
Wolverine – Ouch. Victor! You killed Wraith! Prepare to die!
Gambit – Excuse me, I just said I’m not taking you the island and you can’t make me.
Wolverine – Get out of the scene, kid. [[whacks him]] I’ve got more important things to worry about.
Victor – Like another awesome fight scene! [[and the awesome fight scene commences until Gambit, who apparently just can’t take a hint, decides to get in the middle of them; this also proves he’s a moron]]
Gambit – Hey! The marketing execs said I needed more screen time to determine if I warranted my own movie, okay? It’s not my fault.
Wolverine – Damn it, Victor escaped. And now another awesome fight scene with Gambit. [[and yet another awesome *yawn* fight scene commences with Wolverine winning and Gambit losing]] So, you’ll take me to that island now, right?
Gambit – Sure. You just had to ask.
Random general – Stryker, you’re incompetent, your research is illegal and unethical, and frankly it’s just plain creepy that you have your own son cryogenically frozen like that. You’re fired.
Stryker – And this is where I kill you. [[does so]] You know, it’s remarkable I end up holding the position of authority I have in “X-men 2.” Really, it doesn’t make any sense. But then again, that’s the least of the plot inconsistencies. Better have a totally awesome fight scene soon to cover that up.
Wolverine – Ok, now I’m totally going to kill you.
Stryker – No you won’t. I’m going to screw with your head by pointing out your girlfriend is still alive and she was working for us all along.
Wolverine – Ok, I’m going to get depressed again and leave. [[exits the lab]]
Silverfox – You’re a jerk. Can I have my sister back?
Stryker – And based on that exchange with Logan, what do you think?
Silverfox – I’m guessing no.
Victor – You said I could kill him. So I’ll kill her instead. Then I’ll kill you, then I’ll kill him, because this is what I do.
Wolverine – Ok, fine, Victor, I fight you then I get brooding again and really leave.
Victor – Sounds fair. Commence with yet another totally awesome fight scene! [[and there’s another totally awesome blah blah blah and Wolverine wins]] Ok, you win. Kill me and prove you’re no better than I am.
Silverfox – You’re better than he is!
Wolverine – I am better than you are. Nighty-night [[knocks him out]]
Silverfox – Help me free the kids. Help me free my sister. I really loved you, you know.
Wolverine – Yeah, I get the whole ‘brother’s keeper’ thing. Let’s go. [[They go free the kids and Silverfox is reunited with her sister, who appears to be diamond Emma Frost, but whatever]]
Stryker – And activate Weapon XI, Deadpool. Hey, did you hear something?
Random scientist – I think it was the collective groaning of Deadpool’s fan base.
Stryker – But why? This is cool, right? It’s Wade Wilson, with a pool of powers, but he’s dead, so he’s Deadpool. See? See? Fine, they’ll see what a great idea this was in the next awesome fight scene!
Wolverine – Wade, you look like death warmed over.
Wolverine – Okay… well, you know it doesn’t make any sense for you to have swords in your arms like that. I mean, you couldn’t bend your elbows. It’s kind of lame. And you look kind of like that “Mortal Kombat” character Baraka.
[[Stryker types in the “go” command and the fight commences; also, manually typing in commands to your totally awesome killing machine is the opposite of totally awesome]]
Wolverine – How did we end up on top of the reactor again?
Wolverine – Right. Well, as long as your only power is swords I can deal with that.
[[Deadpool starts teleporting]]
Wolverine – Yeah, and that would be an example of a power I have a hard time dealing with.
[[Victor saves Wolverine from getting decapitated]]
Victor – Believe it or not, I’ve got your back on this one.
Wolverine – Fine, one team up to destroy this thing. Did I mention the teleporting is annoying?
Victor – I am totally with you there.
[[Deadpool unleashes red heat/force beams]]
Wolverine – You know, this really does not make this fight scene that much more awesome. Really. And isn’t this drawing attention to the plot holes since there’s no logical way I can block these beams with my claws? [[Wolverine and Victor manage to decapitate Deadpool leaving the head to destroy the reactor]]
Victor – I’ll be going now. I’ll kill you later. [[leaves]]
Wolverine – Yeah, I’m feeling the brotherly love. [[falls]]
Gambit – Hey, I’m baaaack!
Wolverine – Look, it’s nice you blasted the falling piece of reactor but I think it’s been well established I could survive being crushed under several tons of concrete. I’ve taken out the bad guy, the kids are escaping, so really, why are you here?
Gambit – Because I’m cool.
Wolverine – Whatever. You go watch out for the kids and I’ll go rescue my girlfriend before that gunshot wound actually kills her.
Silverfox – I’d appreciate that.
Stryker – Yeah, except I’m about to utilize the lame plot device which is going to be a real buzz-kill on your whole reunion. [[shoots Wolverine with the adamantium bullets which knocks him unconscious and then goes to shoot Silverfox]]
Silverfox – Right, like you’re going to shoot me. [[hypnotizes him]] Get the hell out of here. [[Stryker leaves and she dies; Gambit sees the kids join a creepily youthful Xavier and goes back to fetch Wolverine, who comes to dazed and confused]]
Wolverine – Ok, I’m in the middle of a ruined nuclear reactor with no memory and only some dogs tags as a clue to my identity. I don’t remember the dead girl, I don’t remember the Cajun without an accent, so I think I’m going to head off to god knows where to drink and hope there isn’t some sort of awful sequel to the prequel or a Deadpool spin-off with Barakapool.
Secret Ending 2 (Headpool) – Yeah, right. There’s probably going to be a Deadpool spin-off, and it will sadly probably be as lame as this movie, which was really impressive considering how awesome I am. With any luck, Ryan Reynolds will still play me, because I love that guy in a totally platonic way. But even if my movie doesn’t happen, at least it doesn’t look like Gambit will get a movie, so that’s something anyway.