Fifteen-minute Movie – The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

or, “The Most Fun Sean Connery’s Had Since ‘Last Crusade‘”
or, “Also, Dorian Gray is the Spy”

Scrolling Exposition – Out with the old, in with the new, let’s get this movie started!

London, 1899:
Bobby 1 – Oy, laddies, wot is that?

Bobby 2 – Cor blimey it’s a metal movin’ box thing!  We should arrest it, mates!

Bobby 3 – I say, moving metal box thing, you should stop right now before you run over me and I get dreadfully cross.  Pip pip and all that my good fellow.

[[the tank, of course, does not stop nor does the bobby move; it continues to the Bank on London running over everything followed by cops and elects to blow up the vault door instead of just running through it like everything else]]

Minion – <We got all the money, Boss!>

Mysterious Masked Figure – <I’m not just here for money.  I’m here for the plot twists!>

Minion – <You’re not going to break into song, are you?>

Mysterious Masked Figure – <Um, no.  Why would you think that?>

Minion – <Because if that mask was white it would probably be a copyright infringement.>

Mysterious Masked Figure – <Shut up!>

Gentleman’s Club (not that kind), Kenya:
Sanderson Reed – I’m looking for Allan Quatermain.  I need him to help the British Empire from going to war.

Quatermain – I’m Quatermain.  Allan Quatermain.

Reed – Wow, okay, so that’s how this movie’s going.  Anyway, I need you to come back to London and help stop a world war.

Quatermain – Give me one good reason why.

Henchmen – We will!  We’ll try to kill you!

[[It turns out young, armored, armed henchmen are completely ineffective at killing one old man with bad eyesight and a mean right hook; the only one Quatermain doesn’t kill outright is wounded by Quatermain as he attempts to flee; he promptly kills himself]]

Quatermain – Damn it!

[[And the gentleman’s club blows up]]

Quatermain – Damn it!  I am running out of friends to outlive.  Fine, fine, I’ll go back to London and try to stop whoever’s behind this.

Secret Lair, London:
M – I’m ‘M.’

Quatermain – I have met M, and you are no M.

M – James Bond references, really?

Quatermain – The movie is full of literary puns and references.  This is only fair.

M – Fine.  So you are going to lead a team of extraordinary gentlemen to stop the Fantom, who’s trying to start a world war.  Of course, this is kind of misleading since not all of you are extraordinary nor are you all gentlemen as such, or, technically men at all.

Nemo – I am not a pirate.

Skinner – Yeah, but I am a thief.

Quatermain – Captain Nemo, what’s in it for you?

Nemo – That’s never going to be adequately explained.

Quatermain – Okay, fine.  I thought the Invisible Man was a scientist.

Skinner – He was, but I stole his formula.  Of course, it turns out there are a lot of downsides to being invisible and I’d rather like a cure.

Mina Harker – Excuse me, am I late?

Quatermain – Tell me that’s our secretary.

Harker – Wow, how enlightened.

M – She’s a chemist.  So, there are two more people you need to pick up and then you need to go to Venice to stop a bunch of world leaders from getting killed.

Run-down Bachelor Pad, London:
Dorian Gray – Go to hell, Quatermain.

Harker – Oh, Dorian, that’s so rude.

Gray – Mina!  I meant, come on in.

Quatermain – There’s a picture missing from your wall.  I mean, anyone familiar with Oscar Wilde or the comic will know what that means, but I’m pointing it out for everyone else.  Got that?  Dorian Gray is missing a picture.  This is absolutely important later.  There will be no foreshadowing in this movie at all about this particular plot twist.

Gray – Look, I’m really not interesting in your mission.  I just invited you in to flirt with Mina.

Quatermain – Yeah, I remember you from college.  You were kind of a jerk then.

Skinner – Hang on, how bloody old is this guy if you remember him from when you were young?

Harker – Join us, Dorian.  You’re needed.

Gray – Yeah, I’m thinking not, unless you can give me a very good reason.

[[suddenly the room erupts in gun-toting henchmen and the Fantom appears]]

Fantom – Join me or I kill you all.

Quatermain – Go to hell.

Gray – *sigh*  I sense I’m about to get my suit dirty.

[[the fight starts when a mysterious friendly henchmen shoots the other henchmen; Skinner drops his clothes to hide; Nemo and Harker take cover, Quatermain pulls out his trusty right hook, and Gray pulls out a sword to take on men with guns; naturally in all the ruckus the Fantom escapes]]

Henchmen – Hahahahaha!!  Never bring a knife to a gunfight! [[shoots Dorian repeatedly]]

Dorian – You ruined my suit!

Henchman 1 – *blink blink* Typically when I’ve riddled someone with bullets they really don’t care about the state of their clothes.

Dorian – Yes, well, I happen to care very much. [[stabs the henchmen and a well-placed ripping shirt shows the wounds closing over]]  I liked that suit.

Henchman 2 – Hey, look, I’ve taken the woman hostage.  Haha!  Everyone drop your weapons and no one gets hurt.

Harker – Oh, little man, I wouldn’t say that.  [[she goes into a bloody rage and rips into his throat and drinks his blood, then proceeds to fix her hair]]

[[The others stare in horror at what they have just witnessed]]

Harker – Oh, pardon me.  I appear to have made a bit of a mess.

Mysterious Friendly Henchman – I’m Thomas Sawyer, American Secret Service.  You can call me Tom.

Skinner – Forget that.  Mrs. Harker, what the bloody hell was that?

Harker – My husband and I, and a man named Van Helsing, tried to destroy an evil called Dracula.  I did not escape unscathed.

Nemo – Well, the Fantom will move quickly now.  Let’s go find the last member.  And look, I have an automobile!

Others – We have no idea what that word means.  This is 1899.

Nemo – Trust me, it’s awesome.  And then we’ll head to Paris in my submarine.

Others – Okay, we do know what that is.

Nemo – Yeah, but the Nautilus is way more awesome than any other submarine you’ve ever seen. [[it actually is]]

Sawyer – What the hell are we doing again?

Quatermain – Hunting man!

Sawyer – Is this legal?

Quatermain – He’s a fugitive, and don’t kill him because we’re going to recruit him.

Sawyer – But he’s a giant monster!

Quatermain – Right now.  He’ll be better later.  And quit wasting bullets!

Sawyer – But it’s the American way!

[[Quatermain manages to capture Mr. Hyde; by the way, where in the hell did Hyde find a hat that size?  Are there a lot of novelty hat shops in Paris in 1899?]]

Skinner – Boy, I thought I was a freak.

Hyde – You are.  I’m a monster!

[[kicks Skinner and Gray helps him up]]

Skinner – Hey, you obnoxious pretty boy, you just scratched the hell out of me for absolutely no good reason that the audience should pay attention to.

Gray – Yeah.  Weird.

Quatermain – Mr. Hyde, if you help us stop a world war, the Queen will pardon you and you can go back to England.

Hyde – I miss terrorizing London.  Fine, fine.  Hang on a second. [[a quick, painful looking CGI sequence follows, and the monstrous Hyde is replaced by a meek, shivering man]]

Quatermain – Welcome aboard, Dr. Jekyll.

Jekyll – Would anyone mind getting me some pants that fit?

Nautilus, On Deck:
[[Quatermain is doing some target practice, because what the hell else is there to do]]

Sawyer – You’re pretty good, old man.

Quatermain – And you’re pretty lousy, kid.  Here, let me teach you how to really shoot.

Sawyer – Sure, why not?  It’s not as though this will be relevant later.  So, are you really on this mission to help the Empire?

Quatermain – Hell no.  I’m really wondering if I can finally die.  I’ve buried pretty much everyone I’ve known and loved, including my son.

Sawyer – Dude, that sucks.

Nautilus, later:
[[Jekyll is creepily watching Harker in her chemistry lab]]

Gray – So, what’s up?

Harker – I’m just analyzing this powder Captain Nemo found in his control room.  It appears to be a component in flash powder.

Gray – So someone was taking pictures.  How suspicious.  Would you like a drink?

Harker – Sure.  And would you care to provide your origin story for people who aren’t already familiar with it?

Gray – Sure.  My magic picture has been stolen, which in no way makes me a spy.  Okay, I am totally not a spy.  Anyway, the portrait bears all of my sins for me, but I can’t look at it or it’ll kill me.

Harker – So why would having it stolen upset you so much?  It seems to me this makes it easier to prevent you from accidentally looking at it.

Gray – Oh, hey, look, I accidentally caused you to smash your glass.  Let me wipe up all that blood.

Harker – And then we should make out.  Or something.

[[Jekyll leaves]]

Hyde – Hahaha, loser.  Drink the formula and I’ll take care of that pretty boy.

Jekyll – You are evil!  No!  [[but not very much later]]  Then again, why the hell not.  Hey, one of the vials is missing.

Nautilus, Control Room:
Jekyll – I think Skinner stole my Hyde formula.  And he’s run off.

Nemo – Damn, so the invisible man is a spy in our midst and that is not an obvious red herring.  Well, we’ll have to get to Venice and try to save everyone anyway.

[[Okay, everyone, time to lower the bar for suspension of disbelief; yes, the Nautilus can navigate the canals of Venice; just go with it]]

Quatermain – So we need to find those bombs.

[[The city starts blowing up]]

Nemo – We need stop those bombs by blowing up the next thing in the chain reaction.  Or something!  Here, take my automobile for a lively and thrilling chase through Venice!

Sawyer – Rock on!  Wait, how do I even know how to drive this thing?  Who cares!

[[The League, minus Jekyll who wants nothing to do with Hyde, and minus Nemo, tear down the streets and soon are being shot at]]

Gray – Drat it all.  I’ll need a new suit again. [[hops out to take out some guys]]

Harker – Did you know I can turn into a bunch of bats and kill all those guys on the rooftops?  [[she totally does that; incidentally, does anyone know why she elected to forgo her usual Victorian clothes for a leather and corset get-up generally associated with modern film depictions of vampires?]]

Quatermain – I’m going to go kill the Fantom while you keep driving this thing!  Don’t forget to signal Nemo to blow you up!

[[Quatermain tracks the Fantom to a graveyard and eventually unmasks him, revealing him as M but doesn’t manage to actually capture M; in the meantime, Sawyer does what he needs to do and gets blown up; also, in case anyone missed the perfectly obvious, Dorian Gray was the spy]]

Nemo – Yay, we’ve saved the city.  Is everyone still alive?

Harker – I can’t die.

Quatermain – I’m the star.

Sawyer – It turns out being American is apparently some kind of superpower and I am not dead.

Ishmael – But Gray is the spy!  He totally shot me! [[dies]]

[[And in case we still don’t get it, Gray escapes in a mini-sub thing and opens the window just to flip everyone off as he goes because he is totally the spy]]

Nemo – How did we not see that coming?  At least I can track the mini-sub!  Let’s go!

Sailor – Sir, I found this record in Gray’s quarters!

Nemo – Let’s play it.  I’m sure nothing bad can happen if we do that.

M (recording) – Hey gang.  If you’re listening to this, Gray is totally the spy!

Hyde – Oy, Henry, this is hurting my ears.

Gray (recording) – Dude, they know that.  I’m only the spy because you stole my picture.

M (recording) – You really felt the need to spell that out?  Anyway, there was no meeting in Venice.  All of this was a trick to get samples from each of you non-human types and steal Nemo’s steampunk technology.  I just needed Quatermain to catch Hyde.  I am totally going to make a fortune selling this stuff.  Also, I embedded a high-pitched frequency only animals can hear that is going to cause a bunch of bombs to blow up… right…now!

[[Cue explosions but it turns out Hyde is super-strong and really doesn’t want to die so he risks his life to save the whole submarine]]

Nemo – We lived!  But now we’ll never find them.

Sailor – I’m getting a message from Skinner.  He’s given us coordinates!

Nemo – That is really convenient.

[[For someone so forward thinking, M puts his headquarters in one of the few places in the entire world that can apparently be reached by a river deep enough for the Nautilus]]

Arctic Lair:
Quatermain – Skinner said he’d meet us here, so we wait here.

Skinner – Cor blimey I am naked in the snow.  Could someone get me a jacket already?

[[They devise a plan to rescue the hostage scientists, destroy the weapons, kill M, and blow up the fortress, hopefully in that order]]

Quatermain – Okay, everyone split up.  We need M alive, but you can kill anyone else if you need to.

[[Skinner goes off to plant explosives, Nemo and Hyde go to rescue the scientists, Quatermain and Sawyer go to fight M, and Harker heads for a showdown with Gray]]

Random Decadent Room:
Harker – Dorian, I’ve got beef with you.

Gray – Wow, that is not a very Victorian outfit.  I mean, I like leather, lace, and corsets, it’s not very period-correct, is it?

Harker – Shut up, traitor.

Gray – Mina dear, are you really so upset I betrayed you?  Let’s just live and let live.  I mean, what’s the alternative since we’re both immortal here?

Harker – Well, we can duel while you make lame puns until I remember how you told me exactly how to kill you.

Gray – Did I really do that?  That would have been very unwise.  Hopefully I know how to kill you first. [[he doesn’t and his made to face his inner demons (i.e., the picture) and ages to death as his picture turns whole and pretty again]]

Hostage Central:
Henchman – Stop them!  [[they open fire on Nemo’s men which works until Hyde goes all ‘Hulk-smash‘ on them]]  Two can play at that game! [[drinks Hyde formula]]

Hyde – Oh, this is not going to end well.  I sense a bad CGI fight about to happen here.  [[he’s right as Super-Hyde takes the stage]] Yeah, yeah, that’s what pain feels like alright.

Nemo – I can help. [[he gets thrown against the wall]]  Nope, nope, never mind.

Hyde – Just run for it.  He’ll transform back hopefully before he kills us!

M’s Quarters:
Sawyer – Hey, I think Skinner’s here, but I don’t know why he’s being all weird.  You go take out M.

Invisible Assassin – I’m not Skinner, moron.

Sawyer – This is a problem.

Quatermain – Hold it right there, Professor Moriarty.

M – You figured that out?  Really?

Quatermain – Apparently.  I don’t know why you didn’t die and I don’t actually care.  Give me the case with the biological weapons.

[[About this time the facility explodes; this allows Jekyll and Nemo to escape but throws a big crimp in Quatermain’s threats but he gets the upper right hook in on Moriarty anyway]]

Moriarty – If you kill me, my invisible assassin will kill young Sawyer.

Quatermain – Damn it!  [[shoots in the invisible assassin but gets stabbed by Moriarty who jumps out of a window and lands completely unscathed; somehow]]  My glasses are broken.  You take the shot, kid.

Sawyer – Will do.  [[takes Quatermain’s advice from earlier in the movie and kills M and the case falls into the frigid water]]  We win!

Quatermain – Good job!  [[dies]]

Sawyer – I’m really sorry he got killed.  I thought he said Africa would never let him die.

Harker – I guess he was wrong.  Now what?

Nemo – A sequel, maybe?  Action, adventure, whatever, let’s just do something fun.

Sawyer – Cool.

[[they leave and a tribal priest of some sort says a spell over Quatermain’s grave, implying he’s going to be resurrected; also, Dorian Gray was the spy in case you missed it]]



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S. J. Drew is an aspiring writer who finally entered the blogosphere to shamelessly promote that writing (as evidenced by the title of the blog). Whether or not this works remains to be seen, but S. J. hopes you are at least entertained. And if you're actually reading this, that's probably a good sign.

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