or, “‘M’ for ‘Mediocre'”
or, “Really, the Best Scenes are Between Xavier and Magneto”
Poland 1944 (We All Know What That Means…):
[[sad people are being marched along and a young Eric Lensherr is separated from his parents]]
Li’l Eric – Noooooo!!!! [[a metal gate bends ominously until the jackbooted thugs knock him unconscious]]
Jackbooted Thug 1 – Did anyone else see that? Because that was freaky! No one? Okay, well, I guess it’s fine.
Mississippi (nowish):
Marie (Rogue) – One day I’m going to travel.
Boy – Wow, what kind of accent is that?
Rogue – Um, Southern?
Boy – It’s a good thing you got that Oscar before anyone asked you to do a Southern accent. Hugh Jackman is Australian and he has a better accent than you do.
Rogue – Just shut up and kiss me already. [[she puts him in a coma and freaks out]]
Senate:
Jean Grey – There are going to be more mutants in the future and they are not dangerous nor deserve to be subject to unreasonable prejudice.
Kelly – Blah blah blah unnecessary bias. Mutants are dangerous and we should license them just like guns. What if they can read our minds or something?
Xavier/Jean – Oh, hey, look at the time. I have a thing.
[[Xavier follows a mysterious old man in a fedora down the empty hallways]]
Xavier – Eric, please don’t go to war with the humans.
Magneto – Charles, as your friend of many years, I’m warning you not to get in my way.
Podunk, Canada:
Trucker – Okay, kid, here’s the end of the line. Good luck.
[[Rogue witnesses a surely illegal cage fight with the mysterious and handsome loner called Logan (Wolverine)]]
Wolverine – I just want a beer and I want to ignore the clearly underage kid making moony eyes at me.
Losing Fighter – Dude, you owe me money.
Wolverine – You are an idiot. [[Rogue screams when the guy pulls a knife on him; Logan returns the favor, of sorts]] *snnkkk* You call that a knife? This is a knife!
Bartender – Get out of my bar, freak!
Wolverine – Is it really a good idea to call a man with blades in his hands a freak? I mean, I obviously am, but are you sure you want to bring attention it? [[slices off shotgun]] You’re all idiots. [[leaves]]
[[Later he discovers Rogue stowing away in his camper which is surprising that his super-senses didn’t hear her get in or smell her in the back]]
Wolverine – Get out.
Rogue – I think despite your rough demeanor you’re not actually going to leave me in the snow to die of exposure.
Wolverine – Damn it.
Rogue – Also, don’t touch my skin. Bad things happen to people when they touch me.
Wolverine – Kid, you’re an underage runaway; I am so, so not touching you.
[[They promptly get into a car accident which shows off Wolverine’s healing factor but traps Rogue in the camper which somehow catches on fire]]
Rogue – I’m stuck!
Wolverine – It turns out extracting people from cars is something I am eminently qualified to do what with these knives in my hands.
Sabretooth – Except I’m totally going to take you down. Raaawwwrrr!!
Wolverine – Wait, wait, aren’t you going to say something like, ‘Long time no see,” or, “Hey, how are things going old friend” or something else to indicate you know who I am and then I say, “what are you talking about” to indicate I don’t know who you are and therefore establish we have some kind of hidden past?
Sabretooth – Why would I do that?
Wolverine – Um, foreshadowing, or reference to the comic book?
Sabretooth – Nah. [[thus starts a fight between Wolverine and Sabretooth which is interrupted by Storm and Cyclops and no, the movie never does explain how everyone happened to end up in the same place at the same time]]
Magneto’s Lair:
Sabretooth – So, that sucked.
Magneto – You suck. Did you get the mutant?
Sabretooth – No, but I got some dog tags, somehow.
Magneto – Well, fine, we’ll just keep moving along with the plan.
Xavier Institute for Gifted Youngsters:
[[Jean is tending to Wolverine in the medi-bay when he abruptly wakes up and attacks her; she smartly lets him get away and locks the door behind him; Wolverine acquires a hoodie for no particularly good reason and Xavier mentally messes around with him until he finds Xavier’s office]]
Xavier – Hello, Logan.
Wolverine – What the hell is going on here?
Xavier – My people saved you and the girl and will protect both of you from Magneto and Sabretooth. I’ll introduce everyone. That’s Storm and Cyclops and Jean Grey.
Wolverine – The redhead is hot, but this is stupid and I am so leaving.
Xavier – Or I could help you recover your memories. Here, watch the montage of mutant students learning to use their powers and being accepted. [[obligatory learning montage and Rogue meets a cool guy (ha), Bobby (Iceman)]] Now, as we tour the paramilitary training part of the mansion…
Wolverine – Wait, what? I thought you said this was a school. Doesn’t also giving your students paramilitary training contradict your mission of peace?
Xavier – Just go with it. Moving on, I will relate exposition regarding my relationship with Magneto, in case the audience somehow missed the connection between the young boy at the beginning of the movie and the old guy I was talking to in the Senate.
Senator’s Helicopter:
Kelly – Blah blah I’m totally a prejudiced jerk and totally justify all of Magneto’s concerns. [[his aide turns into a blue-skinned totally hot chick]] Um, what the hell is going on?
Mystique – You’re a [expletive], and unobservant since your pilot is obviously a green-skinned freak. [[knocks him out cold and kidnaps him]]
X-Mansion:
Wolverine – So, Jeannie, it’s obvious you totally dig me. That’s cool, because I dig you too.
Jean – Honestly. [[runs some tests on him and discovers his metal skeleton]] So his powerset is actually healing and recovery and then someone did this to him.
Xavier – Wow, well, that’s pretty incredible. But I’m starting to wonder if Magneto was actually after him. I will not follow up with that thought until much later.
Magneto’s Lair:
[[Toad freaks out Senator Kelly because why the hell not?]]
Kelly – This only proves me right, you know.
Magneto – Eh, I don’t see it that way. Now sit right here while I do something incredibly noticeable that no one notices with no immediately discernible effect.
X-Mansion:
Wolverine – I’m still hitting on you.
Jean – I’m dating Scott.
Wolverine – He’s a dick.
Jean – You’re only known him for like, four hours. Why are you so mean to him?
Wolverine – Because Good Girls dig Bad Boys.
Jean – Damn you and your insidious use of tropes.
Scott – So, am I interrupting?
Jean – No. We’re all fine here. [[leaves]]
Wolverine – I’m totally hitting on your girl.
Scott – Yeah, I knew that. I don’t like you because you’re hitting on my girl!
Wolverine – Yeah, that pretty much sums up several decades of comic history. Moving on.
X-Mansion (Later):
[[Wolverine is having a nightmare and for an entirely unexplained reason Rogue gets up to check on him and he stabs her when he wakes up (however, she doesn’t bleed); the only way either of them can think of to help her is for Rogue to take his healing powers, which everyone witnesses]]
Wolverine – Um, for the record, she came into my room. Okay, is everyone clear on that? I had nothing to do with her being in my room.
Magneto’s Lair:
[[Senator Kelly turns into some kind of jellyfish thing maybe and slides through his bars]]
Kelly – What did you do to me?
Magneto – I made you into a mutant so good luck with your escape attempt. Sucker!
X-Mansion:
Bobby – You stole a mutant’s power. You need to leave.
Rogue – Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll go.
[[Bobby reveals himself to be Mystique]]
Mystique – Wow, it’s a good thing there isn’t an enormously powerful psychic around to notice a new mind entering his school…
Wolverine – Rogue’s gone.
Xavier – Ah, good, time for the exposition and montage for the use of Cerebro. Pretty cool, huh? Storm, Cyclops, you go get her. Wolverine, you stay here because we know Magneto’s after you.
Wolverine – Dude, you are really bad at reading minds if you can’t figure out what I’m about to do. [[promptly steals Cyclops’ motorcycle and heads out; by the way, is it really a good idea to push odd buttons on strange vehicles?]]
[[And Mystique totally hacks Cerebro later without the enormously powerful telepath (we’re talking Shift freakin’ X powers; we’re talking “most powerful telepath in the world;” we’re talking “was just in Cerebro like ten minutes ago and therefore connected to every mind on the planet”) noticing!!!]]
Train Station:
Rogue – I steal people’s powers and they stay in my head. It freaks me out.
Wolverine – Go back to the school. It’s better there.
Rogue – Wow, you have a really soft heart underneath that gruff and handsome exterior.
Wolverine – None of that. This is strictly a surrogate father situation.
[[Cue Sabretooth and Toad crashing the train station and Cyclops losing his visor and nearly destroying the place]]
Magneto – Right, now for my entrance.
Wolverine – Raarrrgh!!! [[stops in mid-air]] Unh?
Magneto – You wouldn’t happen to have a metal skeleton, would you?
Wolverine – Er…
Magneto – And I am the Master of Magnetism, and apparently adamantium is magnetic.
Wolverine – I’m so #$&%ed.
Magneto – I didn’t want you any way. I wanted the girl. Alright, let’s blow this joint.
Sabretooth – No.
Magneto – Xavier, are you mind controlling my minions?
Sabretooth – Duh. Like I’m going to be out in the open so you can kill me with shrapnel.
Magneto – Well, you let me go or I kill all these people.
Sabretooth – Damn it. [[Xavier releases control]] Hey, that was weird, right?
X-Mansion:
Wolverine – What the hell, mind-reading dude? You said he was after me!
Xavier – Magneto’s helmet blocks my telepathy.
Wolverine – Yeah, but Sabretooth, Toad, and Rogue aren’t wearing that helmet so why can’t you find them? You have a machine that connects you to every mind on the planet!
Xavier – Um. You know, that’s really never explained. Huh. I guess we’ll need a convenient plot device to discern Magneto’s plan.
Wolverine – You guys suck. I’m going to find Rogue myself. Because I’m a bad-ass loner. [[Senator Kelly collapses on the doorstep before he can leave]] Um, a little help here?
Xavier – Hey, a convenient plot device to discern Magneto’s plan. Okay, so he’s going to turn everyone into mutants, except that will kill everyone. But why does he want Rogue?
Cyclops – I’m going state the obvious…
Wolverine – And I’ll put it all together. He’s going to use Rogue to power his machine.
[[Senator Kelly dissolves into water as Storm watches, and her entrance breaks up the impeding argument between Wolverine and Cyclops; unfortunately Xavier’s use of the hacked Cerebro leaves him unconscious]]
Jean – Time for me to do something that has been explicitly stated as very dangerous for me to do. [[uses Cerebro while Scott freaks out; luckily she does not go insane (yet) and figures out where Magneto is going]]
Ellis Island:
Rogue – Are you going to kill me?
Magneto – Yes, but to prove a point, so it’s all good.
Rogue – Yeah, I don’t agree with that all.
X-Mansion:
Cyclops – So here’s the battle plan montage.
Wolverine – Lame! And your costumes are lame.
Cyclops – We’ve got a jet.
Wolverine – Okay, that is a sweet ride.
Cyclops – *frosty sigh* You hit on my girl and you’re not a team player. Swell. Just swell.
Ellis Island:
Cyclops – We need to get to the torch.
[[the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants attacks; somehow Mystique makes metal claws and does not bleed profusely when the real Wolverine cuts them off]]
Toad – Hey, in case you missed it, I played Darth Maul in “Phantom Menace.” Look at me remove the bar from this out-of-order elevator and trap Storm in a small space. Too bad I don’t read the comics or I would know that’s a seriously bad idea.
Wolverine – So, I’m getting beat up by the blue chick?
Mystique – I know, right? And it’s totally hot.
Wolverine – Yeah, it kind of is. At least I’m not getting my metal ass kicked by Toad.
Jean/Storm/Cyclops – Gee, thanks.
Storm – [[busts out of the elevator]] I will proceed to dispose of Toad with some of the worst dialogue ever uttered in a movie. Believe it or not, I go on to win an Oscar.
[[Wolverine finally takes down Mystique by stabbing her in the gut which again does not bleed at all; they proceed to the top of the statue only to get captured by Magneto]]
Jean – Your machine kills people. Senator Kelly is dead.
Magneto – Yeah, I don’t believe you. I’m just trying to save mutantkind.
Wolverine – You’re an hypocritical ass. If you really were that righteous, you wouldn’t be killing an innocent girl.
Magneto – Okay, so you all can die now. [[leaves]]
[[Wolverine manages to cut himself out of the metal restraints even though from the angle he would have been trying to stab through his own shoulder-blades, which wouldn’t have worked because they are adamantium too; but anyway he gets into a brawl with Sabretooth while Magneto enacts his plan; in the end the fight is ended by a well-timed blast from Cyclops that sends Sabretooth sailing into the next county]]
Wolverine – Part of me is thinking maybe I shouldn’t be such a dick to you when I have seen the damage you can do when you want to. But then again, I’m a bad-ass loner so I’ll continue to be a dick to you. Save Rogue.
Cyclops – For reasons, I can’t.
Wolverine – Then send me up to that machine and I’ll do it. [[Storm and Jean do so]]
Magneto – Damn it, I’m not going to let you do that. [[puts up a magnetic force field]]
Wolverine – Wait a damn minute! Rogue touched me for less than thirty seconds and I was out for hours. You shoved every bit of power into her that you could and you’ve already got your power back! What the hell?
Magneto – Yeah, sucks to be you.
Cyclops – Luckily I’m a really good shot when the plot demands. [[shoots Magneto allowing Wolverine to blow up the machine]]
Wolverine – Rogue! Wake up! [[touches her and finally she starts to drain his power which for an entirely unexplained reason causes him to un-heal all the wounds he has already healed up! Which is totally stupid. Meanwhile, Rogue’s only side-effect is a white streak in her hair]]
X-Mansion:
Xavier – Did I miss anything?
Jean – Only everything. And Wolverine’s in bad shape.
Wolverine – [[wakes up]] So, I’m still hitting on you.
Jean – Well, obviously you’re healed up now. Rogue has a crush on you.
Wolverine – Yeah, well, I have a crush on someone else.
Jean – And this won’t be awkward or problematic at all.
X-Mansion (later):
Xavier – There’s an abandoned military base called Alkali Base if you insist on running off and doing your loner thing.
Wolverine – It’s what I do.
Storm – It’s nice of the news to show us that Mystique managed to escape and has taken Senator Kelly’s place.
Plastic Prison:
[[Xavier and Magneto are playing chess]]
Magneto – You know one day that law will pass and they’ll come for your children.
Xavier – I pity the fools who go to a school of super-powered children looking for trouble.
Magneto – Yeah, that does seem like a bad idea, actually. But it’s going to be the plot of the sequel, you know.
Xavier – I know. So let’s wrap this up and get to that sequel.
-fade-out-
A Writer's Hail Mary Pass 