Fifteen-minute Movie – Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

or, “Soooo, DC/WB doesn’t like money, I guess?”
or, “Soooo, DC/WB really hates Superman.”
or, “Soooo, DC/WB really hates Batman.”
or, “What A Long, Contrived Trip it’s Been.”

Continue reading Fifteen-minute Movie – Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

Fifteen-minute Movie – The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

or, “The Most Fun Sean Connery’s Had Since ‘Last Crusade‘”
or, “Also, Dorian Gray is the Spy”

Scrolling Exposition – Out with the old, in with the new, let’s get this movie started!

London, 1899:
Bobby 1 – Oy, laddies, wot is that?

Bobby 2 – Cor blimey it’s a metal movin’ box thing!  We should arrest it, mates!

Bobby 3 – I say, moving metal box thing, you should stop right now before you run over me and I get dreadfully cross.  Pip pip and all that my good fellow.

[[the tank, of course, does not stop nor does the bobby move; it continues to the Bank on London running over everything followed by cops and elects to blow up the vault door instead of just running through it like everything else]]

Minion – <We got all the money, Boss!>

Mysterious Masked Figure – <I’m not just here for money.  I’m here for the plot twists!>

Minion – <You’re not going to break into song, are you?>

Mysterious Masked Figure – <Um, no.  Why would you think that?>

Minion – <Because if that mask was white it would probably be a copyright infringement.>

Mysterious Masked Figure – <Shut up!>

Gentleman’s Club (not that kind), Kenya:
Sanderson Reed – I’m looking for Allan Quatermain.  I need him to help the British Empire from going to war.

Quatermain – I’m Quatermain.  Allan Quatermain.

Reed – Wow, okay, so that’s how this movie’s going.  Anyway, I need you to come back to London and help stop a world war.

Quatermain – Give me one good reason why.

Henchmen – We will!  We’ll try to kill you!

[[It turns out young, armored, armed henchmen are completely ineffective at killing one old man with bad eyesight and a mean right hook; the only one Quatermain doesn’t kill outright is wounded by Quatermain as he attempts to flee; he promptly kills himself]]

Quatermain – Damn it!

[[And the gentleman’s club blows up]]

Quatermain – Damn it!  I am running out of friends to outlive.  Fine, fine, I’ll go back to London and try to stop whoever’s behind this.

Secret Lair, London:
M – I’m ‘M.’

Quatermain – I have met M, and you are no M.

M – James Bond references, really?

Quatermain – The movie is full of literary puns and references.  This is only fair.

M – Fine.  So you are going to lead a team of extraordinary gentlemen to stop the Fantom, who’s trying to start a world war.  Of course, this is kind of misleading since not all of you are extraordinary nor are you all gentlemen as such, or, technically men at all.

Nemo – I am not a pirate.

Skinner – Yeah, but I am a thief.

Quatermain – Captain Nemo, what’s in it for you?

Nemo – That’s never going to be adequately explained.

Quatermain – Okay, fine.  I thought the Invisible Man was a scientist.

Skinner – He was, but I stole his formula.  Of course, it turns out there are a lot of downsides to being invisible and I’d rather like a cure.

Mina Harker – Excuse me, am I late?

Quatermain – Tell me that’s our secretary.

Harker – Wow, how enlightened.

M – She’s a chemist.  So, there are two more people you need to pick up and then you need to go to Venice to stop a bunch of world leaders from getting killed.

Run-down Bachelor Pad, London:
Dorian Gray – Go to hell, Quatermain.

Harker – Oh, Dorian, that’s so rude.

Gray – Mina!  I meant, come on in.

Quatermain – There’s a picture missing from your wall.  I mean, anyone familiar with Oscar Wilde or the comic will know what that means, but I’m pointing it out for everyone else.  Got that?  Dorian Gray is missing a picture.  This is absolutely important later.  There will be no foreshadowing in this movie at all about this particular plot twist.

Gray – Look, I’m really not interesting in your mission.  I just invited you in to flirt with Mina.

Quatermain – Yeah, I remember you from college.  You were kind of a jerk then.

Skinner – Hang on, how bloody old is this guy if you remember him from when you were young?

Harker – Join us, Dorian.  You’re needed.

Gray – Yeah, I’m thinking not, unless you can give me a very good reason.

[[suddenly the room erupts in gun-toting henchmen and the Fantom appears]]

Fantom – Join me or I kill you all.

Quatermain – Go to hell.

Gray – *sigh*  I sense I’m about to get my suit dirty.

[[the fight starts when a mysterious friendly henchmen shoots the other henchmen; Skinner drops his clothes to hide; Nemo and Harker take cover, Quatermain pulls out his trusty right hook, and Gray pulls out a sword to take on men with guns; naturally in all the ruckus the Fantom escapes]]

Henchmen – Hahahahaha!!  Never bring a knife to a gunfight! [[shoots Dorian repeatedly]]

Dorian – You ruined my suit!

Henchman 1 – *blink blink* Typically when I’ve riddled someone with bullets they really don’t care about the state of their clothes.

Dorian – Yes, well, I happen to care very much. [[stabs the henchmen and a well-placed ripping shirt shows the wounds closing over]]  I liked that suit.

Henchman 2 – Hey, look, I’ve taken the woman hostage.  Haha!  Everyone drop your weapons and no one gets hurt.

Harker – Oh, little man, I wouldn’t say that.  [[she goes into a bloody rage and rips into his throat and drinks his blood, then proceeds to fix her hair]]

[[The others stare in horror at what they have just witnessed]]

Harker – Oh, pardon me.  I appear to have made a bit of a mess.

Mysterious Friendly Henchman – I’m Thomas Sawyer, American Secret Service.  You can call me Tom.

Skinner – Forget that.  Mrs. Harker, what the bloody hell was that?

Harker – My husband and I, and a man named Van Helsing, tried to destroy an evil called Dracula.  I did not escape unscathed.

Nemo – Well, the Fantom will move quickly now.  Let’s go find the last member.  And look, I have an automobile!

Others – We have no idea what that word means.  This is 1899.

Nemo – Trust me, it’s awesome.  And then we’ll head to Paris in my submarine.

Others – Okay, we do know what that is.

Nemo – Yeah, but the Nautilus is way more awesome than any other submarine you’ve ever seen. [[it actually is]]

Sawyer – What the hell are we doing again?

Quatermain – Hunting man!

Sawyer – Is this legal?

Quatermain – He’s a fugitive, and don’t kill him because we’re going to recruit him.

Sawyer – But he’s a giant monster!

Quatermain – Right now.  He’ll be better later.  And quit wasting bullets!

Sawyer – But it’s the American way!

[[Quatermain manages to capture Mr. Hyde; by the way, where in the hell did Hyde find a hat that size?  Are there a lot of novelty hat shops in Paris in 1899?]]

Skinner – Boy, I thought I was a freak.

Hyde – You are.  I’m a monster!

[[kicks Skinner and Gray helps him up]]

Skinner – Hey, you obnoxious pretty boy, you just scratched the hell out of me for absolutely no good reason that the audience should pay attention to.

Gray – Yeah.  Weird.

Quatermain – Mr. Hyde, if you help us stop a world war, the Queen will pardon you and you can go back to England.

Hyde – I miss terrorizing London.  Fine, fine.  Hang on a second. [[a quick, painful looking CGI sequence follows, and the monstrous Hyde is replaced by a meek, shivering man]]

Quatermain – Welcome aboard, Dr. Jekyll.

Jekyll – Would anyone mind getting me some pants that fit?

Nautilus, On Deck:
[[Quatermain is doing some target practice, because what the hell else is there to do]]

Sawyer – You’re pretty good, old man.

Quatermain – And you’re pretty lousy, kid.  Here, let me teach you how to really shoot.

Sawyer – Sure, why not?  It’s not as though this will be relevant later.  So, are you really on this mission to help the Empire?

Quatermain – Hell no.  I’m really wondering if I can finally die.  I’ve buried pretty much everyone I’ve known and loved, including my son.

Sawyer – Dude, that sucks.

Nautilus, later:
[[Jekyll is creepily watching Harker in her chemistry lab]]

Gray – So, what’s up?

Harker – I’m just analyzing this powder Captain Nemo found in his control room.  It appears to be a component in flash powder.

Gray – So someone was taking pictures.  How suspicious.  Would you like a drink?

Harker – Sure.  And would you care to provide your origin story for people who aren’t already familiar with it?

Gray – Sure.  My magic picture has been stolen, which in no way makes me a spy.  Okay, I am totally not a spy.  Anyway, the portrait bears all of my sins for me, but I can’t look at it or it’ll kill me.

Harker – So why would having it stolen upset you so much?  It seems to me this makes it easier to prevent you from accidentally looking at it.

Gray – Oh, hey, look, I accidentally caused you to smash your glass.  Let me wipe up all that blood.

Harker – And then we should make out.  Or something.

[[Jekyll leaves]]

Hyde – Hahaha, loser.  Drink the formula and I’ll take care of that pretty boy.

Jekyll – You are evil!  No!  [[but not very much later]]  Then again, why the hell not.  Hey, one of the vials is missing.

Nautilus, Control Room:
Jekyll – I think Skinner stole my Hyde formula.  And he’s run off.

Nemo – Damn, so the invisible man is a spy in our midst and that is not an obvious red herring.  Well, we’ll have to get to Venice and try to save everyone anyway.

[[Okay, everyone, time to lower the bar for suspension of disbelief; yes, the Nautilus can navigate the canals of Venice; just go with it]]

Quatermain – So we need to find those bombs.

[[The city starts blowing up]]

Nemo – We need stop those bombs by blowing up the next thing in the chain reaction.  Or something!  Here, take my automobile for a lively and thrilling chase through Venice!

Sawyer – Rock on!  Wait, how do I even know how to drive this thing?  Who cares!

[[The League, minus Jekyll who wants nothing to do with Hyde, and minus Nemo, tear down the streets and soon are being shot at]]

Gray – Drat it all.  I’ll need a new suit again. [[hops out to take out some guys]]

Harker – Did you know I can turn into a bunch of bats and kill all those guys on the rooftops?  [[she totally does that; incidentally, does anyone know why she elected to forgo her usual Victorian clothes for a leather and corset get-up generally associated with modern film depictions of vampires?]]

Quatermain – I’m going to go kill the Fantom while you keep driving this thing!  Don’t forget to signal Nemo to blow you up!

[[Quatermain tracks the Fantom to a graveyard and eventually unmasks him, revealing him as M but doesn’t manage to actually capture M; in the meantime, Sawyer does what he needs to do and gets blown up; also, in case anyone missed the perfectly obvious, Dorian Gray was the spy]]

Nemo – Yay, we’ve saved the city.  Is everyone still alive?

Harker – I can’t die.

Quatermain – I’m the star.

Sawyer – It turns out being American is apparently some kind of superpower and I am not dead.

Ishmael – But Gray is the spy!  He totally shot me! [[dies]]

[[And in case we still don’t get it, Gray escapes in a mini-sub thing and opens the window just to flip everyone off as he goes because he is totally the spy]]

Nemo – How did we not see that coming?  At least I can track the mini-sub!  Let’s go!

Sailor – Sir, I found this record in Gray’s quarters!

Nemo – Let’s play it.  I’m sure nothing bad can happen if we do that.

M (recording) – Hey gang.  If you’re listening to this, Gray is totally the spy!

Hyde – Oy, Henry, this is hurting my ears.

Gray (recording) – Dude, they know that.  I’m only the spy because you stole my picture.

M (recording) – You really felt the need to spell that out?  Anyway, there was no meeting in Venice.  All of this was a trick to get samples from each of you non-human types and steal Nemo’s steampunk technology.  I just needed Quatermain to catch Hyde.  I am totally going to make a fortune selling this stuff.  Also, I embedded a high-pitched frequency only animals can hear that is going to cause a bunch of bombs to blow up… right…now!

[[Cue explosions but it turns out Hyde is super-strong and really doesn’t want to die so he risks his life to save the whole submarine]]

Nemo – We lived!  But now we’ll never find them.

Sailor – I’m getting a message from Skinner.  He’s given us coordinates!

Nemo – That is really convenient.

[[For someone so forward thinking, M puts his headquarters in one of the few places in the entire world that can apparently be reached by a river deep enough for the Nautilus]]

Arctic Lair:
Quatermain – Skinner said he’d meet us here, so we wait here.

Skinner – Cor blimey I am naked in the snow.  Could someone get me a jacket already?

[[They devise a plan to rescue the hostage scientists, destroy the weapons, kill M, and blow up the fortress, hopefully in that order]]

Quatermain – Okay, everyone split up.  We need M alive, but you can kill anyone else if you need to.

[[Skinner goes off to plant explosives, Nemo and Hyde go to rescue the scientists, Quatermain and Sawyer go to fight M, and Harker heads for a showdown with Gray]]

Random Decadent Room:
Harker – Dorian, I’ve got beef with you.

Gray – Wow, that is not a very Victorian outfit.  I mean, I like leather, lace, and corsets, it’s not very period-correct, is it?

Harker – Shut up, traitor.

Gray – Mina dear, are you really so upset I betrayed you?  Let’s just live and let live.  I mean, what’s the alternative since we’re both immortal here?

Harker – Well, we can duel while you make lame puns until I remember how you told me exactly how to kill you.

Gray – Did I really do that?  That would have been very unwise.  Hopefully I know how to kill you first. [[he doesn’t and his made to face his inner demons (i.e., the picture) and ages to death as his picture turns whole and pretty again]]

Hostage Central:
Henchman – Stop them!  [[they open fire on Nemo’s men which works until Hyde goes all ‘Hulk-smash‘ on them]]  Two can play at that game! [[drinks Hyde formula]]

Hyde – Oh, this is not going to end well.  I sense a bad CGI fight about to happen here.  [[he’s right as Super-Hyde takes the stage]] Yeah, yeah, that’s what pain feels like alright.

Nemo – I can help. [[he gets thrown against the wall]]  Nope, nope, never mind.

Hyde – Just run for it.  He’ll transform back hopefully before he kills us!

M’s Quarters:
Sawyer – Hey, I think Skinner’s here, but I don’t know why he’s being all weird.  You go take out M.

Invisible Assassin – I’m not Skinner, moron.

Sawyer – This is a problem.

Quatermain – Hold it right there, Professor Moriarty.

M – You figured that out?  Really?

Quatermain – Apparently.  I don’t know why you didn’t die and I don’t actually care.  Give me the case with the biological weapons.

[[About this time the facility explodes; this allows Jekyll and Nemo to escape but throws a big crimp in Quatermain’s threats but he gets the upper right hook in on Moriarty anyway]]

Moriarty – If you kill me, my invisible assassin will kill young Sawyer.

Quatermain – Damn it!  [[shoots in the invisible assassin but gets stabbed by Moriarty who jumps out of a window and lands completely unscathed; somehow]]  My glasses are broken.  You take the shot, kid.

Sawyer – Will do.  [[takes Quatermain’s advice from earlier in the movie and kills M and the case falls into the frigid water]]  We win!

Quatermain – Good job!  [[dies]]

Sawyer – I’m really sorry he got killed.  I thought he said Africa would never let him die.

Harker – I guess he was wrong.  Now what?

Nemo – A sequel, maybe?  Action, adventure, whatever, let’s just do something fun.

Sawyer – Cool.

[[they leave and a tribal priest of some sort says a spell over Quatermain’s grave, implying he’s going to be resurrected; also, Dorian Gray was the spy in case you missed it]]


Fifteen-minute Movie – Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back

or, “That Did not Go as Planned”

Scrolling Exposition – The Empire didn’t like losing the Death Star and because they still have a huge army, they’ve really been beating up on the rebels.  The rebels have been chased to the most outskirts of the galaxy and their current base is on Hoth, which is essentially the opposite of Tatooine in climate, but no less awful.  The Empire has been literally taking shots in the dark by sending random seeker droids to any planet with the remotest possibility of supporting a rebel base.  Good luck, rebels, you’re going to need it.

-An Imperial droid lands on Hoth and starts its fact-finding mission; Han and Luke are on patrol when a meteorite goes down; Han goes into get warm, Luke inexplicibly decides to chase down the meteorite and gets whacked upside the head by a Wampa and dragged off-

Han – So I’ve got money and still need to pay off Jabba.  Why am I still here?

Leia – Hello, Captain Solo, whom I’m in no way attracted to.

Han – Oh, right, the Princess whom I’m in no way attracted to.  So, I need to head out and pay off Jabba.

Leia – Well, it was good to have you working with us.  Please come back when you’re done with that.

Han – Yeah, I know you want me, babe.

Leia – I did not say that!

Han – But you’re thinking it because I am totally hot.

Leia – You are in no way a totally hot scoundrel!

C-3PO – Master Luke isn’t here.

Han – Then I’m going to find him because I’m that awesome!

Hoth, Wampa Cave:
Luke – Okay, well, that didn’t go as planned.  Better get my lightsaber and get out of here before I’m dessert!

-Luke barely escapes the Wampa but yet another arm is cut off-

Luke – I’ll say this for the cave; it least it was warm. -collapses in the snow-

Ghost of Obi-wan – Go to Dagobah.  Train with Yoda.

Luke – Um, sure, but a little help here? -ghost fades-  Or not -passes out-

Han – Wow, I got here just in time.  Oh, and my ton-ton just died.  That’s just great.  Well, it turns out I have hardcore survivor training because I’m going to get us both through this. -does so-

Hoth, Rebel Base:
Han – So, aren’t I awesome, Princess?

Leia – You’re not that awesome and I am not attracted to you.  I’ll prove it! -kisses Luke-  And I’m sure that won’t turn out to be a huge squicky mistake in the next movie. -leaves-

Luke – So who’s totally awesome?

Han – Shut up, kid!

Hoth, Rebel Base (later):
Rebel officer – We’re picking up a signal.  I think this is bad.

Leia – It’s Imperial code.  We need to evacuate.

General – So here’s the plan.  We disable the stardestroyers to get the people out.  The fighters hold off the ground assault.  Scatter and re-group at the back-up base.  Good luck.

-The Empire sets down and starts the ground assault of the rebel base; Luke teams up in the fighter while Han readies the Millennium Falcon; the assault, of course, is not in the rebels’ favor although they get their transports away-

Luke – So my partner got killed, but note this isn’t stopping me from taking out one of those AT-ATs.  I’m awesome too!

Han – Princess, all the transports are gone and I’m not letting you stay here and get yourself killed, so you’re coming with me, because I’m concerned about the rebellion, not because I’m attracted to you in any way.

Luke – I’m sure no one will mind if I just head off to Dagobah instead of meeting up at the rendevous point.  One little missing fighter won’t make any difference.  Good luck guys!

-the Millennium Falcon gets shot at muchly and unable to get into hyperspace so finally Han flies into an astroid field to escape the larger ships-

Leia – This is just great!  What’s your plan for getting out of here?

Han – I’m working on it!

Leia – You are terrible at escape plans!

Han – Give me a break! -they fly into a convenient cave in an astroid, which leads to them getting bombed by fighters-

Leia – So, you made fun of me for the garbage chute on the Death Star but really you’ve done pretty much the same thing here.

Han – You make me so angry I could kiss you.

Leia – Yeah, well, me too! -they kiss-

C-3PO – I have a terribly important thing to tell you about.

Han – Really?  Now? -Leia walks away- Damn it!

Luke – -inexplicibly crashes into the swamp- Well, this did not go as planned.  How am I going to find this great teacher?

Mysterious Creature – Crashed into the swamp, did you?  Need shelter, do you?  Come with me.

Luke – I need to find Yoda!

Mysterious Creature – Come with me.  Food I have.  Help you find Yoda I will.

Luke – What the hell.

Stardestroyer, Vader’s Office:
Emperor – I think that kid who blew up my Death Star is the son of Anakin Skywalker.

Vader – Really?  How is that possible?

Emperor – It just is. Anyway, you’d better destroy him.

Vader – How about I turn him to the Dark side instead?

Emperor – That’ll work too.

Dagobah, Hut:
Mysterious Creature – Perhaps Yoda is closer than you think, yes.

Luke – Look, I’m looking for a great teacher, not some old wrinkled green freak who sounds like Grover.

Mysterious Creature – Jerk he is.  And unobservant.  Wearing the same outfit as you were and notice he did not.  Teach him you want me to?

Luke – Who are you talking to?

Voice of Obi-wan – Well, I’m not around to do it.

Luke – Ben?  It’s so nice to know someone else is hearing the same voice I am!  I was really getting worried about my mental health!

Mysterious Creature – He is young and reckless, like his father.

Voice of Obi-wan – So, just like me when you taught me.

Mysterious Creature – Yes, I taught you.  In no way is that backstory going to be changed.

Luke – Wait, are you Yoda?

Mysterious Creature – Dense he is.

Voice of Obi-wan – Yes, but he needs training and I can’t do it on account of being dead and all.

Yoda – Fine, teach him I will.

Astroid Field:
Leia – This cave seems to be shaking a lot, even with the bombs.  Maybe we should explore it.

Han – Sure, but I’m sure it’s fine.

-they explore the cave and find weird bat-like creatures; Han decides this is a great time to shoot the floor of the cave which starts the worst shaking yet-

Han – #$@&!!  We’re in a living creature!

Chewy – Argaananaghgh! <This did not go as planned!>

Luke – I thought the force was a very mystical spiritual thing.  So is running, jumping, and climbing trees really part of the Jedi training or are you just messing with me?

Yoda – Um, totally Jedi training this is.  Beginner stuff.

Luke – How about some advanced training?

Yoda – Maybe.  Are you paying attention?

Luke – I feel a cold chill down my spine, like there is a place strong with the Dark side of the Force.

Yoda – Go in there you should.  Your weapons are not necessary.

Luke – I’m taking them anyway.

Yoda – Do you listen to a thing I say?

Luke – Whoa!  It’s Darth Vader! -starts fighting with him and cuts his head off, only to reveal the face of Luke-  Whoa!  That like totally blows my mind!

Yoda – And totally blows your grade point average.

Vader – Ok, I’m really tired of having my ships being smashed up by astroids so we’re hiring some bounty hunters do to the dirty and dangerous work.  You guys up for that?

Bounty hunters – Totally!

Vader – Well, do your thing but bring them back alive.

Bounty hunters – Bummer.

Astroid field:
-The Falcon manages to escape the giant astroid-dwelling carnivorous space worm (how in the world does something like that evolve?!?) but land right back in the thick of an Imperial fleet-

Leia – This just goes from bad to worse!

Han – I have a plan! -hides on top of a stardestroyer-

Leia – I can’t believe this is working.

Chewy – Arnghghgrrrwwwh! <You and me both!>

Luke – Are we done with the running, jumping, climbing trees?  Maybe we can do something mystical, spiritual, and awesome?

Yoda – Use the Force to get your ship out.

Luke – Listen, little dude, you’re wise and all but that’s impossible.

Yoda – Flunk you will.

Luke – Fine.  Fine.  -tries and fails to get his ship out- See, totally impossible.

Yoda – Here’s a lesson for you: doubt not the little old wise man. -raises ship out of the swamp-

Luke – Wow, that was like totally awesome!

Yoda – Feh.  Learn something I hope you did, like how much more awesome I am than you.

Bespin (i.e., Cloud City):
-the Falcon escapes by floating out with the garbage although is tailed by a mysterious ship and makes a stop with one of Han’s old friends, who is probably a criminal, in order to make repairs to the hyperdrive-

Han – Hey, it’s my friend Lando Calrissan.

Lando – For Colt 45.

Han – What?

Lando – Um, I mean, Solo, what’s up my man?  Welcome to my mining operation.  Mi casa es su casa.  Also, the chick with the braids is totally hot.

Han – Right, moving along.

C-3PO – So I’ll just poke around a bit and get blown up.  Wait, what?! -gets mysteriously blown up-

Chewy – Wwwarrngnghaggh? <Did anyone hear that laser blast?  And where did C-3PO go?  Okay, I guess no one else is concerned.>

Luke – I have to go save Han and Leia.

Yoda – You aren’t going to help them.

Luke – I’m going!

Ghost of Obi-wan – Listen to your teacher.  Stay here and finish your training, which inexplicably seems to have taken several days while Han and Leia have only experienced a day or two.

Luke – I’m going!

Ghost of Obi-wan – Well, at least remember what you’ve been taught.

Luke – Will do! -takes off-

Ghost of Obi-wan – Don’t say it.

Yoda – Told you so I did.

Ghost of Obi-wan – You had to say it.  He’s our last hope.

Yoda – No, there is another who will be revealed in the sequel.

Chewy –  Arrngnggg.  <Okay, I guess I’ll go find C-3PO> -finds bits of C-3PO and brings him back to repair him-

Lando – Man, Leia, you are totally hot.

Han – Lando!

Lando – Hey, Solo, you can come to dinner tonight too.  It’ll be sweet.

Han – Oh, that’s really nice Lando…

Vader – Soup’s on!

Han – Dude, what the hell?

Lando – Sorry, man, but they got here before you did.  So, um, dinner?

Han – This is totally the opposite of sweet, Lando, you &#@$.

Lando – Okay, maybe I deserved that.

-the others are imprisoned and Han is tortured for no good reason at all-

Bespin, Carbonite Chamber:
Vader – Man, I am so clever setting this trap for Skywalker.

Lando – You do know that’s not supposed to be used for freezing people, right?

Vader – So, I’ll test it on Captain Solo.

Lando – Oh, man, seriously?

Boba Fett – Hey, if he dies, I don’t get paid.

Vader – We’ll pay you.  Just stop whining, okay?

Leia – So, yeah, remember when I said I was in no way attracted to you? I  totally am.

Han – I know, babe. -is frozen in carbonite-

Vader – And I’m taking the princess and wookie prisoner.  And you’ll take this deal and like it or I leave troops here!

Lando – Ok, this did not go as planned and now I’m mad.

Bespin, Hallway:
-Luke lands on Bespin with little to no resistance which doesn’t make him a bit suspicious but he does run into Lando’s party-

Leia – Luke, you idiot, get out of here before it’s too late!

Luke – Yeah, I already saw the future so I’m not turning back just because you tell me to.

Bespin, Carbonite Chamber:
Vader – Okay, kid, you and me.  -thus commences the lightsaber duel-

Bespin, Hallway:
Lando – Right, I’m altering the deal you Imperial jerks.  So, you two need to go save Han. -Chewy tries to strangle Lando, which frankly is the only acceptable option after all this- Please stop with the strangling.

Leia – Right, you live so we can go save Han.

-they rush off to the landing platform but are completely unable to save Han and have to flee from more Stormtroopers-

Bespin, Carbonite Chamber:
Luke – This duel really isn’t going as I planned.

Vader – Really?  I think it’s working like a charm. -Luke evades the freezing chamber- Or, not.  Well, that’s alright.  I’ll figure something out.

-further lightsaber dueling commences and Vader takes a tumble; Luke stupidly goes after him-

Vader – Really?  You’re running after me.  I am so much more bad-ass than you.

-further dueling and Luke getting hit with heavy objects then blown out of a pressurized window thing-

Vader – Whoops!  I’m not actually trying to kill you.

Luke – Why is this shaft even there?  What structural purpose does this serve?  It makes no sense!

C-3PO – R2-D2, hack the computer and get the doors open!

R2 – Beep blorp! <I’m on it, okay, and hey I found out something important about the Falcon’s hyperdrive…>

C-3PO – We don’t care about that!  Open the doors!

R2 – Blorp blooorp! <You are a jerk!>

-The Millennium Falcon takes off-

Central Shaft Thing:
-further dueling and Vader cuts off Luke’s hand-

Luke – You son of a @#$&!  That was my hand!

Vader – Look, if you join me we can kill the Emperor, take over, and rule the galaxy.  Won’t that be awesome?

Luke – Let me think… No!

Vader – I can tell you what happened to your father.

Luke – Obi-wan said you killed him.

Vader – I am your father!

Luke – I’m sorry, what?

Vader – I am your father!

Luke – You’re just messing with me.

Vader – Damn it, kid, I am your father! Search your feelings or listen to the Force or whatever you’ve been taught to do.

Luke – -searches feelings- Damn!  You are my father!  Ben totally lied to me!

Vader – Right.  So, as I said, if you join me, you can destroy the Emperor and we can take over the galaxy.

Luke – I’m still going with NO here! -falls down shaft thing and eventually to some weird antenna at the bottom-  And this day totally did not go as planned.  Leia, a little help here?

Leia – We’re going back to get Luke.

Lando – No way, I’m getting out of here.

Chewy – Arnrnrghghghghwwwwarrrr! <You turn around before I snap your traitorous head off>

Lando – Right, so we’re going back to pick up this kid.  No problem.

Luke – Thanks for the save.

Lando – We’re not out of danger just yet!

-the Falcon is pursued by the Imperial Fleet but fails to go into hyperspace-

Lando – Damn it, does this thing ever work?

R2-D2 – Beep blorp beep <Why don’t they just turn the hyperdrive back on?>

C-3PO – You don’t know anything.  Just fix me.

R2-D2 – Blorp! <#@$& you!> -fixes hyperdrive which allows the Falcon to escape-

Rebel Fleet:
Lando – So we’ll go find Jabba and Han and report back.

R2-D2 – Beep blorpy beep beep <Find Jabba? He’s on Tatooine.  He runs the place.  Really, this isn’t a hard mission, people.  Whatever, just ignore the astrodroid who keeps saving your lives>

Luke – And now I get a new hand and we stare purposely into the sequel.

-fade out-