or, “Nazis. Why does it always have to be Nazis?”
Flashback Utah 1912:
Fat Scout – Indy, why are we separating from the troop and exploring these caves?
Young Indy – Because I’m curious. Look, those guys are stealing the cross of Coronado! I have to get it back and put it in a museum!
Fat Scout – Wow, so the producers are really trying to make people forget the last movie started with Indy selling a valuable artifact for money?
Young Indy – I have principles! So you get tell the Scoutmaster to get the sheriff while I steal the cross. For a museum! [[Fat Scout runs off and Indy almost gets away with stealing the cross until he makes noise]]
Fedora Grave-robber – Hey! Get that kid!
[[a chase starts with Indy on horseback and the grave-robbers in pursuit in cars and ends on a circus train apparently]]
Indy – [[falls into the Reptile House]] AAAHHH!!! So this is why I hate snakes! [[escapes and ends up in the lion car; uses the whip and scars himself]] And this is why I have the scars on my chin. Wow, this flashback is just explaining almost everything. Whoops, there goes my hat.
[[eventually Indy gets away and runs home]]
Indy – Dad! Dad! You’ll never guess what happened!
Henry – Say it in Latin.
Indy – But Dad…
Henry – Latin!
Indy – Hey, I heard a horn. I’ll be right back. [[the sheriff walks in]] Oh, I’m glad to see you.
Sheriff – Do you have the item? [[Indy gives it to him]] It’ll go back to its rightful owner, which is this man wearing a fedora hat.
Indy – No way!
Fedora grave-robber – Thems the breaks, kid, but keep trying. You have spunk. Take my hat. One day you’ll need it.
Indy – And this is how I get my trademark hat. Also, I like the look of your coat.
Indy – Wow, that was a great flashback. So what’s happening? [[gets punched in the face]] Oh, right, I’m trying to get that cross back from the guy it was sold to years ago. In the middle of a raging storm. This will surely go my way.
Goons – What, seriously?
Indy – You’ll see. [[proceeds to retrieve the cross and sort of accidentally cause the boat to blow up]] How come everyone I met seems to have extremely flammable vehicles or lairs? Well, I’ve got the cross. Now I’d better hope the coast guard is around and not going to ask too many questions.
Indy – And remember kids, archeology is boring and never involves finding artifacts of great power or nearly getting killed on a regular basis.
Kids – Yeah, and apparently it also doesn’t involve grading our papers!
Indy – Um, I’ll be in the office. [[hides in his office]] Hey, Dad sent me mail. Whatever, I’ll check it later. I need to get out of here. [[sneaks out and is accosted by three men in dark suits]] Okay, so this isn’t sinister in any way…
Donovan – I hope my men didn’t make you think there was something sinister happening.
Indy – Should it?
Donovan – No, of course not. So anyway, what do you know about finding the Holy Grail?
Indy – That’s my father’s obsession. But it looks like you’re off to a good start, if you believe in that sort of thing. Which I don’t, even though I have every reason to.
Donovan – Well, I believe it. Will you take the place of my missing lead reseacher?
Indy – Call up my dad.
Donovan – He’s my missing lead researcher.
Indy – Okay, that changes things.
Indy – Brody, are you sure you should be here? Dad mailed me his Grail diary, the cumulation of his entire life’s work, which he wouldn’t have done if he wasn’t in serious trouble. This could get dangerous.
Brody – Well, that’s probably true, and I am pretty useless, but I want to help your father and my friend. I wonder where that other archeologist is? I don’t see him.
Elsa – Yeah, there’s a good reason for that.
Indy – Wow, you’re hot.
Elsa – And you’re a jerk.
Brody – And we all know where this is leading so can we please try to find Henry?
Elsa – I last saw Dr. Jones working here and I found this scrap of paper. He was looking for the clue to find the tomb of the last knight of the Crusade.
Indy – I don’t believe it. X actually marks the spot. Well, let’s bust in through this marble floor with this flimsy bit of metal.
Brody – That can’t possibly work. [[it does]] Well, do you want to gather up some supplies for crawling around in dark, labyrinthine tunnels, like some flashlights or at least a change of clothes?
Elsa/Indy – Nah. [[they descend into the dark, labyrinthine tunnels full of water, dead bodies, and rats wearing suits and armed with only a lighter]]
Indy – Everything seems to be coated in oil. Maybe we should have gotten some flashlights or something other than a lighter so we don’t accidentally set ourselves on fire.
[[Indy and Elsa make their way through the tunnels and actually find the tomb of the knight]]
Indy – Okay, I’ll just use this rubbing paper to finish the copy of the instruction tablet and we should be out of here without a problem.
Mysterious Fez-wearing Man (MFM) – I don’t think so. And we’ll just use all this petroleum product to get rid of you. [[tosses match and lights up the whole tunnel system]]
Indy – Okay, let’s dump out the body of this most holy knight so we can hide under the coffin to avoid burning to death.
Elsa – Are you sure you’re an archeologist?
Indy – Dump the body or we die.
Elsa – Right!
[[they hide under the coffin and oddly the petroleum laced water does not catch on fire there; Indy finds a way out and the water is remarkably clear; they manage to escape to emerge from the sewers at a nearby cafe]]
MFM – Get them!
[[thus starts a boat chase through the canals of Venice and only after several of the MFM’s cohorts have been presumably killed extremely flammable speedboats does Indy even stop to ask what the hell is going on]]
Indy – What the hell is going on?!?
MFM – Drop me off at that dock and I’ll tell you.
Indy – That doesn’t really make any sense, but sure. [[does so]]
MFM – You’re searching for the Grail. I belong to a holy order that protects it. Your father is being held in a castle on the Austria/Germany border. I suggest you not continue looking for the Grail.
Indy – I’m really only here to find my dad.
Indy – Wow, somehow that paper made it through all that dry enough for me to still use. That’s almost unbelieveable.
Elsa – When are we going to find your dad, who may be in great danger?
Indy – Tomorrow. Being nearly killed really wears me out.
Elsa – What are we going to do in the meantime?
Indy – I’ll reveal to you that I have my dad’s Grail diary, which I was hiding from you, and then we’ll make sweet, sweet love.
Elsa – Sounds like a plan.
Indy – I wonder if I should have stopped to investigate a little more about why Dad ended up so far north. Oh, well, I guess it doesn’t matter.
[[Indy and Elsa break into the castle]]
Indy – Nazis? Again? Great… [[swings into the room]] I’m Luke Skywalker and I’m here to rescue you! [[gets hit over the head with a vase]] Owww!!!
Henry – Wrong Lucas movie, Junior!
Indy – Dad!! Fine, let’s get out of here.
[[Nazis burst in]]
Henry – This is some rescue!
Indy – I’ll think of something! [[does so and Indy manages to disarm one Nazi and kill the others]]
Henry – Good grief! You just killed those men!
Indy – Oh, yeah, I guess this might be shocking to someone who’s not used to this like I am. Come on!
Nazi – [[who is holding Elsa hostage]] Drop the gun or I kill the woman!
Henry – He won’t kill her. She’s a Nazi.
Indy – I could pay attention to my father who clearly has some insight on the character of this woman I just met, or I could ignore the obvious warning signs and throw down my weapon. Yeah, I’ll go with second option. [[throws down gun]]
Elsa – Yeah, it turns out your father was right. I am with them and I’ll be taking the Grail diary.
Henry – Oh, my son wouldn’t be so stupid to bring that with him after I deliberately mailed it to get it away from you. [[Elsa removes the diary from Indy’s pocket]] Junior, you’re an idiot.
Indy – Don’t call me Junior!
Henry – I’ll stop calling you that when you stop being an idiot!
Donovan – Gentlemen, please. I told you not to trust anyone. So, now we have the diary and the map, right?
Elsa – Hey! The map is missing.
Indy – I’m not that stupid.
Elsa – He left it with Brody.
Indy – Um, no I didn’t.
Elsa – Yeah, that was a convincing lie.
Indy – How did you know Elsa was a Nazi?
Henry – She talks in her sleep.
Indy – Wait, are you saying what I think you’re saying?
Henry – Yep, I totally hit that.
Indy – Ewww! Okay, I’ll deal with that later. Dad, use my lighter to burn through the ropes.
Henry – Great idea! [[promptly drops the lighter]] Well, that shouldn’t be such a problem as long as everything in this room isn’t extremely flammable for no good reason. [[Everything in the room goes up in flame like it’s all coated in kerosene]] Okay, then. Indy, the room’s on fire.
Indy – Ack! I think I can get out of these ropes but I don’t know how we’ll get out of this room. [[finds a secret door]] Oh, well, that works. [[beats up more Nazis in a Scooby Doo-esque scene and escape the fire]] Now how do we get out?
Henry – I’ll find a secret door. [[does so]]
[[Indy sends some boats off while he and his father escape via motorcycle]]
Henry – If you wanted the Nazis to go down the river, shouldn’t you have waited until the Nazis got away from the dock before driving off?
Indy – Give me a break! I make this up as I go!
Henry – I’m beginning to get that impression!
[[They manage to escape the Nazis]]
Henry – We have to go back to Berlin and get that diary! Or else we’ll never pass the challenges to actually get the Grail!
Indy – Argh!
Sallah – Marcus, what are you doing here?
Marcus – Carrying a map Nazis are desperate to retrieve.
Sallah – That explains the men in black who are trying to trick you into accompanying them to a museum that doesn’t exist. You should run now.
Marcus – I’m sorry, what?
Sallah – Seriously, I can only distract them for so long. Run, you moron!
Marcus – I really don’t get what you’re saying, old chap. Are these men not on the up and up?
Sallah – Oh, for crying out loud! [[punches Nazis]] Run!
[[they run but the Nazis pull the same trick on Sallah he pulled in the first movie and they capture Marcus]]
Sallah – Damn it! Well, to be fair, there was no way I could protect someone that clueless for very long anyway.
[[Indy remembers his problems in the first movie and knocks out a Nazi actually his size so he can steal the uniform]]
Indy – Elsa, give me the book!
Elsa – Why do you want that? The map’s not in it, and you had to come to the middle of a Nazi rally to get it.
Indy – Um, because I do. So neh.
Indy – Well, Dad, that was exciting and awesome, right?
Henry – My diary of sacred and holy writings has been autographed by Hitler. That’s swell.
Indy – Hey, it didn’t get burned! So, we have some time. We should catch up.
Henry – I’m busy being scholarly.
Indy – Daaaad!!
Henry – Fine, fine, what do you want to talk about?
Indy – Yeah, you know what, I can’t think of a single thing to tell you that you might find interesting in any way.
Audience – Seriously, Indy? Seriously? Two movies worth of adventures including flashbacks and nothing stands out? You found the Ark of the Covenant and you don’t think that’s something your father would find remotely interesting considering his obsession with finding the Holy Grail?!?!
Indy – Nope, not a thing. Uh-oh, the blimp is turning around. We’d better get out of here.
Henry – Do you spend a lot of your time with people trying to kill you?
Indy – Much more than you think. Hey, a handy airplane. Let’s go. [[they steal the emergency airplane but it turns out Nazis fighter craft were tailing the blimp anyway]] Damn it! Ok, you fire the gun and get rid of them.
Henry – Um, sure. [[manages to damage the tail so badly they have to land]] Oops.
Indy – Argh! Dad!
Henry – Well, you can’t even land the damn thing. How was I supposed to know how to use the gun?
Indy – Argh! That’s a fair point! Also, brace yourself! [[Indy crash-lands but they survive with two fighters still after them]] This is just great!
Henry – Between the people trying to kill you and the not getting killed, how do you find time for any serious scholarly study?
Indy – Scholarly study doesn’t stop guys from trying to kill me!
Henry – [[demonstrates that scholarly study, can, in fact, stop guys from trying to kill him]] You really need to focus, Junior.
Small Middle Eastern Kingdom:
Donovan – So, your Majesty, we’d like permission to dig on your land. I can offer you gold and jewels.
King – Feh. I’m a king. I have that. That’s the stuff I use to line the bird’s cage. But that Rolls Royce! That’s awesome. Give me the car, and I’ll give you anything you want, including tanks.
Donovan – Wow!
MFM – Houston, we have a problem.
Indy – Ok, we don’t need the map after all because Dad has it memorized but we do need to rescue Marcus.
Henry – You make it sound easy.
Indy – Well, it will be as long as they don’t have tanks and heavy weaponry.
[[Nazis blow up Sallah’s car and starts to shell at them]]
Sallah – Ack! I’m going to have to pay for that.
Indy – What we need is a convenient distraction!
MFM – I think we can do that for you! [[MFM and his secret group of protectors start fighting the Nazis although they all get killed in the end]] Turns out we’re not real good at this protection thing.
Indy – Ok, Sallah, get some horses and Dad you stay here. And this is very important, and almost no one has ever listened to me about this, but DO NOT get captured. Ok?
Henry – Please, it’s me. [[promptly gets captured as he tries to rescue Marcus]]
Indy – Damn it, Dad! [[manages to beat up a tank full of Nazis and rescue Marcus and Henry before seemingly going off a cliff]]
Henry – Oh, woe! My son is gone! I have been such an idiot! I never told him I cared!
Indy – [[struggles back up the cliff]] What are we staring at?
Henry – You’re alive! [[hugs him in a manly fashion]] Right, let’s get going.
Indy – Um, I’ve been punched and stabbed and nearly gone over a cliff. Can I at least stop and bandage up my wounds here? No? Thanks guys. Thanks a bunch.
Crescent Canyon, Temple:
Indy – Rats, the Nazis beat us, but it looks like they aren’t having any luck getting past the traps. While it would seem more sensible to turn back and let them continue to die because they don’t have the clues to succeed, for some reason I’m going to try to do something to stop them. Remember everyone, DO NOT get captured.
Marcus – Too late.
Donovan – Well, I’m running out of victims. Indy, you go get the Grail.
Indy – Hell no!
Donovan – Ok, fine. [[shoots Henry]]
Indy/Elsa – I can’t believe you just did that!
Donovan – Now you go get the Grail or he dies.
Indy – Fine. Give me the diary and I’ll try my luck. [[after passing a test of reflexes, spelling, and blind faith, Indy finds himself in the room with the Grail]]
Sir Richard – Have at thee! Ugh, I am so old!
Indy – What’s going on here?
Sir Richard – I guard the Grail until a new knight bests me in combat and then he guards the Grail. In the meantime, the Grail grants life as long as you don’t pass the Great Seal.
Indy – So why are you so old?
Sir Richard – I’ve been in here for 700 hundred years with only two books to read. My honor says I can’t just throw the fight, but my honor doesn’t say I have to be in peak condition either. Did I mention I have been alone in here with only two books for 700 HUNDRED YEARS?!?!
Indy – Um, I’m not here to guard the Grail. I need to save my dad.
Donovan – Yeah, yeah, once I get eternal life. Wait a minute, there are a lot of cups here. What happens if I drink from the wrong one?
Sir Richard – Very bad things.
Elsa – I’ll get the right cup for you. [[hands him a golden goblet]] And now I’ll give Indy a look that clearly tells him I’m going to get Donovan back for shooting Henry.
Indy – I see that look and understand and will say nothing.
Donovan – Did I miss something? [[drinks the water from the goblet]] Yummy. Seems fine…wait, wait, no, I’m rapidly aging! What a terrible fate! [[soon ages all the way to a skeleton, dies somewhere in there, and then collapses into near dust]]
Indy – My turn. [[picks the only wooden cup in the entire room and takes a drink]] Well, I’m not a skeleton so this seems like the right one.
[[Indy takes the cup out of the room and gives the water to his father]]
Henry – I’m so glad you paid some attention in school. And I found the Holy Grail!
Elsa – [[starts to get a bad look in her eye and takes the cup]] Ok, we’ve got the Grail, now let’s get out of here!
Indy – Don’t cross the Seal!
Elsa – What Seal? [[crosses the Seal and an earthquake starts]] Oh. Oops.
[[the earthquake causes everyone to fall down including Elsa who drops the cup and the ground opens up and the cup rolls down a fissure; Elsa dives after it]]
Indy – Elsa, give me your hand or you’ll fall.
Elsa – But the whole point is getting the Grail!
Indy – The Grail’s no good if you’re dead!
[[Elsa slips anyway and falls to her doom and Indy is nearly knocked off the edge]]
Henry – Indy, give me your hand or you’ll fall
Indy – But the whole point is getting the Grail!
Henry – Son, it’s fine. Let’s go.
Indy – You’re right.
[[Henry helps him up and they escape from the collapsing temple]]
Sir Richard – Well, that’s just great. I wait 700 hundred years for a new knight to take my place and instead the whole place falls to pieces. And I get to die of extreme old age and or dehydration, starvation, or possibly suffocation. I am so glad I went on the Crusade for this.
Crescent Canyon, Outside:
Henry – The greatest archeological find of the century and it’s gone just like that.
Sallah – You think that’s greater than finding the Ark of the Covenant?
Henry – Who found what again?
Marcus – Can we please get out of this desert now?
Sallah – Indy, you didn’t tell him about the Ark?
Indy – For some reason, I didn’t think it was important. So let’s get out of here.
Sallah – Okay, whatever. Hey, why do you keep calling Indy, “junior?” It seems odd I would have never heard this English word before, but otherwise it wouldn’t set up the joke.
Henry – He’s Henry Jones Junior. “Indiana” was the dog’s name.
Sallah/Marcus – That’s funny.
Indy – The dog was around more than Dad.
Henry – That’s a low blow, especially since we just reconnected and all that.
Indy – You’re right. Let’s all ride off into the sunset, indicating there will never, ever be another Indiana Jones movie. The franchise is all done, right now.