or, “Wolverine: Vampire Hunter”
I thought y’all would like a break from comic book movies, even if this still does star Hugh Jackman.
Castle Frankenstein, on a dark and stormy night (naturally):
Dr. Frankenstein – Yes! I have discovered the secret! To life! Itself! It’s ALIVE!!! Go me, go me, go me.
Creature – Aggghhhhh!!!
Dracula – Thank you, Dr. Frankenstein. I’m going to kill you and take your creature for my own nefarious purposes.
Igor – My angry mob sense is tingling. I, er, will just be going now… Don’t mind me [[slips out back door]]
[[Dracula kills Dr. Frankenstein a fabulous display of shadow-puppetry]]
Creature – You killed my father! Prepare to die!
Dracula – Hey, you stole that line.
[[Creature shoves Dracula into the ridiculously large fireplace; grabs the doc’s body, and slips out the same back door; half-burned Dracula emerges from the fireplace]]
Dracula – Alright, now I’m mad. But note how I can not only heal myself, but my clothes as well.
Angry mob – Lynch! Lynch!
Igor – He went that way!
[[angry mob follows at a dead run but fails to catch up with the slow-moving creature until he reaches a conveniently abandoned windmill with a convenient illegal liquor supply]]
Angry mob – Lynch! Lynch! Burn! Burn! [[toss torches on windmill; it goes up like gasoline soaked rags]]
Creature – Aaagghhhurggghhh!!!
[[Three weird-looking white CGI women screech down on the hapless mob and chase them away; then they turn into real actors wearing skimpy dresses; Dracula joins them]]
Creature – AARGH!!! DIE!!!
[[liquor bottles burst and windmill collapses, taking creature with it; the women wail melodramatically]]
Dracula – Well, rats. That’s going to put a bit of a crimp in my plans.
Paris (you know because you can see the Eiffel Tower being constructed, and the scene takes place on top of Notre Dame):
Van Helsing – Come out, come out, wherever you are.
Mr. Hyde – And here I thought League of Extraordinary Gentleman had killed my career.
Van Helsing – Don’t worry, I’m here to finish it off.
[[gratuitous special effects fight ensues, leaving Mr. Hyde dead at the foot of Notre Dame]]
Van Helsing – D’oh. I don’t think my bosses are going to like this.
Bishop Exposition (Van Helsing’s boss) – You killed Hyde? I don’t like this.
Van Helsing – I knew you wouldn’t like it. Maybe if you could give me my memories back, I wouldn’t kill so much.
Bishop Exposition – Dude, that’s why we took your memories. As punishment. But despite your screw-up on Notre Dame, I’ve got another assignment. It involves killing someone, so maybe you’ll get this one right. Follow me.
Vatican City’s Secret Underground ‘Kill Evil Creatures Department’:
Bishop – But first, a slide show.
Van Helsing – Now that’s punishment.
[[Bishop Exposition shows a picture of hot looking gypsy guy and hot looking gypsy girl]]
Bishop Exposition – Now these here are the Valeriouses. Valeri? Whatever. Anyway, they’ve vowed to kill Dracula, but they’re not very good at it, so now they’re down to the last two. If Dracula isn’t killed in their lifetimes, the whole family is cursed. Does that make sense?
Van Helsing – Dude, that babe Anna is hot.
Bishop Exposition – Yo, Gabriel, she ain’t your mission. Kill Dracula.
Van Helsing – Gabriel? Isn’t my name supposed to be Abraham? And how come that Dracula guy looks familiar to me?
Bishop Exposition – Um, no reason. None at all that could possibly be connected to your missing memories. Now go talk to Q, I mean, Carl.
Van Helsing – Hey, Q. I mean, Carl. Hey, you look an awful lot like Faramir, but with a worse haircut.
Carl – Shut the &#$@ up! I don’t want to be &#$@ing typecast.
Van Helsing – Whoa, Carl, can monks talk like that?
Carl – Nope. But I’m a friar. Dumber haircut, lower benefits, but I can curse all I want. I can even get laid. *giggle*
Van Helsing – Like that’ll ever happen. I’m the lead, if you haven’t noticed. And I look majorly hot in these tight pants and kick-ass trenchcoat.
Carl – *Phhbt* Anyway, here’s all the vampire hunting stuff you’ll need – silver stakes, silver crosses, this thing which probably does something spectacular if I could make it work, and a repeating crossbow. Bye bye now. Have fun.
Van Helsing – Not this time, Friarmir, you’re coming with me.
Carl – Wait just a damn minute…
Van Helsing – It’s in the script. I’ve got to have a slightly bumbling, goofy comic sidekick who will unwittingly stumble onto a crucial plot element, and you fit the bill. Now let’s go.
Good looking gypsy princess Anna – Hey, Velkan, is it such a good idea for you to be the bait for this monster, you know, given that we’re the last of the Valeriouses, er, Valeri, er, the last of our clan, and our deaths will mean an eternal curse on our house?
Good looking gypsy prince Velkan – Sure, why not? What could possibly go wrong?
Random gypsy – Ahh!!! Werewolf!!
Velkan – Where wolf?
Anna – There wolf!!!
[[things go horribly, predictably wrong; but Anna demonstrates she’s pretty nimble in those heels and tight corset]]
Velkan – I’ll save you, sis!! [[tumbles off cliff with werewolf]] D’OH!
Anna – Dammit! Well, I didn’t see that coming. Oh, my beloved brother. I shall never see you again. Now it’s up to me to kill Dracula.
Carl – I’ve got a bad feeling about this place.
Mob – No, really, we love strangers. Just let us get our pitchforks and torches.
Van Helsing – I’m Van Helsing, morons. I’m here to help.
Anna – We’ve heard of you, but we don’t need your help.
[[Dracula’s three brides promptly descend on the town and start wreaking havoc]]
Anna – Nope, nope, I was wrong. AAAHHHH!!!
[[Van Helsing unloads his repeating action crossbow, threatening to kill anything and everything that moves]]
Carl – Ahhh! Hurt them, hurt them!!
Van Helsing – Sorry, this thing’s got a heck of a kick to it.
[[two brides corner Anna but Van Helsing manages to waste Bride #1]]
Brides – AAHHH, our sister!!! Noooo!!! We are so distraught we shall pass up this perfect opportunity to kill you and fly home to our master. [[they change into CGI and fly off]]
Anna – Thanks, Van Helsing. I owe you one. Shall we go back to my place? Actually it used to be Dracula’s place before my ancestors banished him.
Van Helsing – I really like the decor. I’m a big fan of the ‘bristling with weapons’ theme. Friarmir, go find the library and find out where Dracula’s hiding.
Carl – Right-o. [[disappears into dusty tower]]
Anna – Great. Now I’m going to find Dracula.
Van Helsing – What, at night? You’re crazy, woman. You’d best just take a little nap now. [[chloroforms her]]
Bride 2 – Why are we standing on the ceiling?
Bride 3 – Because we’ve got $150 million to spend on this flick.
Bride 2 – Ah, gratuitous special effects. That explains it.
Dracula – Hey, brides, pay attention to me! To ME!!! I’m the big scary vampire here!! You got Bride 1 killed! I hate you all! No one out overacts Dracula!!!
Brides – It wasn’t our fault! That darn Van Helsing turned up and killed our sister! We love you!!
Dracula – Whatever. Just quit your wailing. I’m the biggest over-actor in this flick, so you two just be quiet. Ok?
Brides – *sniff* So you love us again?
Dracula – Of course not! I have no heart! I’m a vampire!! But I will take you both into my bedroom so we can have a threesome by turning into a statue…? Wait, does that make sense?
Bride 3 – $150 million budget, PG-13 rating.
Dracula – Ah, right then. Come on. And remember, let me do the over-acting.
Brides – *giggle* You’re the boss.
Anna – Oh, god, my head. That bastard, knocking me out to prevent me from doing something stupid. What a jerk. [[hears a noise]] Boy, this house is really creepy at night.
[[a half-naked Velkan appears]]
Anna – Brother!
Velkan – Anna, I have something dreadfully important to tell you about Dracula and werewolves and Castle Frankenstein, but unfortunately I’m going to turn into a CGI werewolf before I can tell you what you need to know.
Anna – Damn.
[[Velkan turns into CGI werewolf and tries to attack her]]
Anna – No, Velkan, I’m your sister!
Van Helsing – Werewolf! I’m going to kill him!
[[Velkanwolf dodges and they give chase]]
Anna – Don’t kill him!
Van Helsing – He’s a werewolf!
Anna – He’s my brother!
Van Helsing – He’s not your brother, he’s nothing but CGI now. There’s nothing human left.
Anna – *sniff* You’re right. Let’s have a tender moment together which will assure my death at the end of the movie.
Van Helsing – Well, make it quick, I want to track Velkanwolf.
Dracula – Ahh, Velkanwolf. You’re looking splendidly CGI today.
Velkan – Stuff it, you bastard.
Dracula – Right, then. Igor, get him strapped into the weird Frankenstein equipment.
Velkan – I will KILL you!
Dracula – Like I haven’t heard that before. Oh, and in case you’re interested, learning the secret to bringing the dead to life has been my goal all along.
Velkan – KILL you!
[[Anna and Gabe track Velkanwolf]]
Anna – I thought this place had been abandoned a year ago.
Van Helsing – What, you didn’t bother to check it out again?
Anna – Hey, Dracula’s supposed to be banished, remember? He’s not supposed to be here at all. So sue me that I didn’t double-check the creepy castle was still empty.
[[they walk in and avoid Dracula’s half-size freaky workers]]
Anna – They’re Dracula’s servants, and none too bright. Let’s go get lost in the castle while we attempt to find my brother.
Van Helsing – Anna, he’s CGI now. Say it with me. Computer Generated Image.
[[they find room full of gooey pods]]
Anna – Eww, gross, what is this place?
[[Van Helsing sticks his hand in one, revealing a funky tiny demon thing]]
Van Helsing – Eww. I think these are vampire babies. But they’re all dead.
Anna – Good thing too. It would be so bad if they were all awakened when we’re standing in the middle of hundreds of them.
[[Velkan is hit by lightning; CGI lighting spreads through the castle and down into the pods, which start to crack open]]
Dracula – They’re ALIVE!!!
Anna – Ooops.
Van Helsing – *facepalm* Run away, run away!
Anna – I’m not leaving my brother!
Van Helsing – CGI, Anna!! Dammit. But she’s really fast on those heels.
[[brides take most of the babies to town to feed]]
[[Anna avoids demented Oompa Loompas and finds Velkan]]
Anna – I’ll save you, brother!
Velkan – Nooo, Anna, only Dracula has the werewolf cure. Nooo, get away before I turn into CGI permanently!!
[[Van Helsing shoots the babies]]
Van Helsing – Hey, Drac, these your kids? These are some ugly babies.
Dracula – Ah, Gabriel. So we meet again.
Van Helsing – Again? We’ve met before? Stupid Vatican, wiping my memories. This is kind of important.
Dracula – Oh, yeah, we had some good times together back in the old days. Real good times. I’d in fact really love to get you back for those good times, you jerk.
Van Helsing – [[fires a silver stake at him]] Ha ha! Take that!
[[Dracula looks annoyed but pulls the stake out]]
Van Helsing – [[holds up a massive silver cross]] Ha ha? Take that?
[[Dracula grabs the cross, screams melodramatically, and melts it]]
Van Helsing – Er. I’ll just be going now… Byeeee!!!
[[Anna frees Velkan]]
Velkan – Nooo, sis!! [[Velkan reverts completely to CGI Velkanwolf]]
Anna – Er, oops. Velkan, now, brother, it’s me. Your sister? Velkan??
Van Helsing – Told you, CGI. Now we’d better get out of here.
Anna – And how do you propose to do that? We’ve got vampires and werewolves at our back, and a gigantic ravine in front of us.
Van Helsing – We’ll swing across. [[fires grappling line and grabs Anna]]
Anna – You’re &#$@ing kidding me…
[[they swing across, reach the other side, land on a pile of wood, which promptly gives way causing them to fall down a pit]]
Brides – Have fun kids! Remember, play with your food!
Random attractive townswoman – AAHHH, help me!!
Carl – I’ll save you! [[he beats away the kiddie attacking her]]
[[suddenly the babies explode into goo for no good reason]]
Brides – Nooo!!! Our babies are dead!! Again!! Or still!! Or something!!! Wahhhh!!! [[they fly away]]
Random attractive townswoman – You saved my life. If you weren’t a monk, I’d thank you properly, if you know what I mean.
Carl – Hallelujah, it’s a great &#$@ing day to be friar!
[[Carl wakes up with Random attractive townswoman in his bed in the dusty tower]]
Carl – I got laid. I got laid. Go me, go me. I’m not the lead and I got laid… [[Carl stumbles upon a vital clue]] Hey, it seems Gabe was right. I’ve managed to unwittingly stumble onto a crucial plot element. [[he watches a weird CGI painting showing a werewolf fighting a vampire]] Hmm, I wonder what that could possibly mean.
Ruins of old Windmill:
Van Helsing – Oh, god, that sucked.
Anna – Hey, swinging across a gigantic ravine was your idea. By the way, do you think we never tried the cross and stake thing before? Sheesh, what sort of idiots do you think we are? We know how to kill a vampire, just not that vampire. Give us a little credit.
Creature – Keep it down! Some of us like to sleep in.
Anna – I’m going to kill him!
Van Helsing – Don’t kill him! He’s not CGI!
Creature – Yes, don’t kill me, as I am the vital component Dracula needs to make his babies come alive permanently.
Van Helsing – That’s good enough for me.
Anna – What? Are you crazy?
[[Velkanwolf sniffs around and runs off]]
Anna – Well, if you won’t kill him we need to get him out of here then.
[[Van Helsing’s carriage is attacked by Velkanwolf and the two brides; Van Helsing runs the carriage over the cliff, narrowly escaping his own death; the brides plummet after it]]
Bride 2 – Why are we chasing this thing?
Bride 3- It’s got the creature in it.
Bride 2 – So?
Bride 3 – We need the creature so our babies will live. Or something.
Bride 2 – [[opens door]] Er, this appears to be a bomb.
Bride 3 – Run away, run away!!
[[Bride 2 fails to get away in time, and is muchly perforated by stakes and dies]]
Bride 3 – Woeee!! My sister is dead!!! Hey, there’s another carriage not fifty feet from the one that went off a cliff. How could I have missed that?
[[Velkanwolf attacks Van Helsing, who’s now driving this other carriage? What?]]
Anna – No, my brother!!
Van Helsing – Dammit, Anna, CGI! Focus, focus!
Anna – Alright, I’ll help you kill him. [[she ends up needing rescue by Carl]] This is so embarrassing.
[[the carriage somehow gets set on fire and crashes; Van Helsing kills Velkanwolf and everyone is safe-ish]]
Anna – My brother! Woe, my beloved brother!
Van Helsing – Man, that totally sucked.
Anna – Dude, that’s not half of it. Look, Velkanwolf bit you! Now you’re going to become a werewolf!
Van Helsing – Dammit!
[[Bride 3 snatches Anna away]]
Van Helsing – Double dammit!!
Random Eastern European City:
Van Helsing – Gee, it’s such a big city. How are we going to find Anna? Oh, hey, look Bride 1.
Bride 3 – I’m Bride 3. Bride 1 was a blonde and I am clearly a redhead.
Van Helsing – Whatever.
Bride 3 – Here’s the deal. You trade the creature for Anna at the masked ball tonight.
Van Helsing – We’ll do it.
[[Bride 3 flies off]]
Creature – You jerk.
Van Helsing – What I am, stupid? I’m going to hide you in a graveyard. You should be perfectly safe there, unless some unexplained plot device should allow your abduction. Like that would ever happen. Friarmir, you come to the ball with me.
The Masked Ball:
Carl – Dammit, Gabe, why do I have to be the &#$@ing jester?
Van Helsing – Because you’re the goofy comic sidekick. Duh.
[[Dracula dances with Anna whose red dress makes her stand out from the crowd; none of whom show up in the mirrors]]
Dracula – So, I’ve got a couple of openings for a new bride. Can you wail melodramatically, if you know what I mean?
Anna – Wow. Colors. Groovy.
[[Van Helsing uses some werewolf powered acrobatics to rescue Anna; naturally it turns out everyone else in the place is a vampire, and they all run after them]]
Carl – Hey Gabe, I figured out this thing I’ve been working on for years. It’s a Deus ex Machina. Man, these things are great.
Van Helsing – Then let’s blow this joint.
[[Van Helsing, Carl, Anna, Dracula, and Bride 3 escape while the sunbomb detonates spectacularly and incinerates all the vampires and blows out the windows]]
Carl – Ok, why did we decide to jump out on the river side, when it’s raining and threatening to flood?
Anna – Beats me. Good thing my dress is so poufy. Hey, Gabe, isn’t that the creature being taken away?
Van Helsing – Dammit!
Creature – I hate random unexplained plot devices.
Carl – Now is the time to give you the backstory.
Van Helsing – And this will make sense, right?
Carl – Er, mostly. Sort of. [[relates backstory]] See, it all makes sense except for this part about Dracula being murdered by the left of God. Hm. I wonder what that could possibly mean.
Anna – It has something to do with this map my father would stare at for hours. See?
Van Helsing – Hey, it’s missing a bit. Friarmir, it’s about time for you to unwittingly stumble onto a crucial plot element.
Carl – Oh, ok. Hm, well there’s this centuries old piece of parchment I took from the Vatican for no good reason, which seems to fit perfectly into the empty slot.
Anna – It’s turned into a painting? What good is that?
Van Helsing – It’s a door. Clearly.
Anna – This doesn’t make any sense. Why doesn’t it look like a door?
Bride 3 – $150 million budget.
Anna – Hey, you’re not in this scene.
Bride 3 – Sorry.
Van Helsing – Right. Let’s walk through.
[[Gabe and Anna enter. Carl, looking apprehensive, walks through as well]]
Anna – Damn, it’s cold.
Van Helsing – You should wear a kick-ass trenchcoat like me.
Anna – I did, but that was in another movie.
Carl – You know what, this was stupid. I’m going back now. [[crashes into closed doorway]] I guess not.
[[they walk to Castle Dracula, easily evading the demented Oompa Loompas and accosting Igor]]
Van Helsing – Give us relevent plot information!
Igor – Ok, ok. The creature’s being taken up to the top of that other tower. There’s a werewolf cure in this tower. I can show you where it is. Please don’t kill me.
Van Helsing – Dracula has a werewolf cure? Hm. I wonder what that could possibly mean.
Carl – Hey, that’s my line. Hey, wait a minute. I get it. I get it! That weird painting gave me the clue. Right, see Dracula can be killed by a werewolf. So if you kill him, and we inject you with the cure before the curse sets in on the last stroke of midnight, you’ll be okay. See?
Van Helsing – Does that make sense to you? I thought the solution would have something to do with angels or something. You know, what with my name being Gabriel and the subtle hints I’m a lot older than I look.
Anna – It doesn’t really make sense, but it’s all we’ve got. Here, you go save the creature and keep Dracula busy, while Carl and I take Igor to grab that cure.
Van Helsing – You’re not going to do anything dumb like turn your back on him, are you?
Carl – Of course not.
[[Van Helsing dashes off]]
Igor – See, there’s the cure. Gypsies and monks first.
Carl – Hey, I’m a friar.
[[They turn their back on Igor, and he locks them in]]
Anna – Dammit. Well, we can get the cure, at least.
Bride 3 – Oh, no, you don’t! [[attacks Anna, clearly the more dangerous of the two]]
Carl – I’ll just find a way to open the door, shall I? Right then.
[[Van Helsing fails to save the creature in time to keep the kiddies from coming to life, but does get him off the platform, then starts a fight with Dracula]]
Dracula – Gabriel, you’ve already murdered me once!
Van Helsing – So that’s what “murdered by the left hand of God” means. Hm. Interesting. Oh, yes, you die now!! [[he changes into Gabewolf]]
Dracula – Ha! No one out over-acts or out CGI’s me! Watch this!!! [[he changes into some demon thing]]
[[Carl manages to escape with the cure, and is chased by Igor]]
Carl – Oh, God, oh God, I could use a little help here. Some sort of wildly improbably coincidence would be really nice here.
Igor – Ha! Sucker! Like that’ll ever happen.
[[the creature swings from the opposite tower and knocks Igor off the bridge, then swings around to save Anna from Bride 3]]
Anna – I don’t &#$@ing believe this.
Creature – You’re starting to sound like Carl. Run, run, there’s no way he could get to Gabe in time.
[[lightning strikes the bridge repeatedly, knocking pieces out of it]]
Carl – Hey, God, I thought you were on my side here. I mean, seriously. We’re trying to kill Dracula. Is this to make up for the Deus ex Machina and wild coincidences you’ve provided? [[a lightning strike renders the bridge impassable]] It’s the cursing, isn’t it? I’ll stop, I promise.
[[Anna swings to opposite tower, safely across the bridge]]
Carl – Oh, God, here’s hoping for just one more wildly improbable action. [[he tosses syringe to Anna, who catches it]] Yes!!!
[[she’s attacked by Bride 3]]
Carl – No!! Dammit. [[lightning]] Sorry, sorry, here, I’ll go save the creature from plummeting to his death now.
[[Meanwhile Gabewolf and Dracdemon are still fighting and tearing up thousands of dollars worth of lab equipment]]
Anna – That’s it. You die! [[stakes her]]
Bride 3 – Well, alright, since you put it that way [[dies]]
[[Anna runs to lab, avoiding more demented Oompa Loompas]]
[[Gabewolf manages to bite Dracdemon, who melts; then the kiddies all explode in showers of goo, and Anna runs up with the needle as the clock has been striking midnight for about two minutes here]]
Carl – Anna, be careful!!
[[Gabewolf tosses Anna on a handy random Fisher Scientific velvet couch and squishes her to death]]
Carl – I guess it didn’t work. Better kill Gabe myself.
[[Gabewolf stops Carl easily, then reverts to a half-naked man wailing melodramatically]]
Van Helsing – No!! I killed my girlfriend!! I didn’t even get laid!!!
Van Helsing – Man, this sucked.
Carl – Hey, I got laid.
Van Helsing – We could have killed so many things together. And she was so good in those tight pants and high heels.
Carl – Let her go, man.
[[Van Helsing watches her spirit join the other Valeriouses, er, Valeri, whatever]]
Van Helsing – Come on, Friarmir. Maybe I can get laid if there’s a sequel.
Carl – If there’s a sequel, maybe it will make some &#$@ing sense.