Fifteen-minute Movie: Batman Begins

or, “Bat-psychology 101 with Professor Jonathan Crane”
or, “Realistic-ish Gritty Batman!”
or, “A Fine Line Between Action-Thriller and Morality Play”

A Prison Somewhere in the Far East:
Prisoner 1 – Hey, clearly foreign inmate, that big guy is going to try to kill you today.

Bruce Wayne – Bring it, big guy!  I am insane!

[[The big guy brings it, and the fight ends up involving several inmates; finally guards drag Bruce away and lock him in a very spacious solitary confinement cell to protect everyone else]]

Ducard – Well, Mr. Wayne, when you get tired of beating up criminals for no good reason, come find me and I can offer you a better way to fight injustice.  Pick a blue flower and climb up the mountain.

Bruce – Why the hell not?  This isn’t working out the way I planned.

Training Camp:
Bruce – Okay, I got your stupid flower.  Can I join your club or whatever?  Actually, what am I asking to join?

Ducard – We are the League of Shadows and we fight injustice.

Bruce – That’s not a clever euphemism for “Society of Assassins,” is it?

Ducard – Um, no, and now I’m going to beat the hell out of you!  [[does so]]  But it looks like the boss Ra’s Al Ghul over there is impressed enough by you to let you into the Society, I mean, League.

Bruce – Great!  I’m sure this well-trained group of ninjas is exactly the kind of people an angry person like myself needs to fall in with right now!  So teach me some ninja stuff!

Ducard – No problem.  Also, you get psychology lessons!

Bruce – Wait, why?

Ducard – To make you better, faster, stronger.  So what do you fear?

Flashback – Wayne Manor:
Young Rachel – I have a thing and you can’t have it!

Young Bruce – Give me the thing!  [[he gets the thing]]  Now I have a thing and you can’t have it!  [[runs away until he falls down a badly boarded-up well]]

Young Rachel – I’ll get help!

Young Bruce – Hurry!  It’s scary down here! [[the noise frightens thousands of bats who fly out just to terrify young Bruce; finally he’s rescued by his father]]

Training Camp, Again:
Bruce – I’m afraid of, um, stuff.

Ducard – You must face your fear, defeat your fear, and become your fear.

Bruce – To fight injustice?

Ducard – Of course!

Bruce – You know, this movie is starting to feel more like a morality play than an action movie.

Ducard – Okay, then let’s fight on ice and I’ll insult you by telling you that your father got himself killed!

Flashback – Wayne Manor:
Thomas Wayne – [[who has just extracted his son from the well]] Why do we fall, Bruce?  So we can learn to pick ourselves up again.

Bruce – What?  Dad, I just broke my arm!  I fell down because the groundskeeper didn’t block the well up right.  What are you even talking about?

Thomas – It’ll make sense later.  I’ll get you all patched up without taking you to a hospital because I’m a doctor and all.

Flashback – Going to the Opera:
Thomas – I built this rail system for the city to try to help people.  It’s important to help people, even bad people, because they’re probably only bad people because they need help.

Bruce – Um, okay.

Flashback – Opera:
Bruce – Dad, all the bat-people are scaring me.  Can we go?

Thomas – Sure.  And instead of walking out the front door, we’ll take the side door into the heavily graffiti’ed and badly lit alleyway even though it doesn’t make logical sense.

Joe Chill – Give me your money!

[[Despite Thomas’s best efforts to keep the situation under control, Chill panics and shoots both Thomas and Martha, leaving little Bruce an orphan]]

Flashback – Police Station:
Jim Gordon – My only purpose here is to show you some sympathy and set up our relationship for the rest of the movie.

Bruce – Um, okay.  Thanks for being nice.

Chief – Don’t worry, little guy.  You lost your parents but we caught the guy who did it.

Training Camp, Again:
Ducard – The lesson here is that you can have no sympathy for a criminal.  Ever.  Anyone who has ever committed any crime deserves absolute justice.

Bruce – But I had to steal to survive after I ran away from Gotham.  I learned that crime isn’t always absolute.

Ducard – Yes it is!  That’s totally the point of the Society, I mean, League.  So why didn’t you kill your parents’ murderer?  Oh, is there going to be another freakin’ flashback?

Bruce – I know, right?

Flashback – Wayne Manor:
Not-As-Old Alfred – Sir, please tell me you didn’t leave Princeton to do something stupid?

College Bruce – Of course I am.  But if you’d sent me to a qualified therapist after I watched my parents senselessly die, maybe we wouldn’t be having this conversation now.

Not-As-Old Alfred – Yeah, I’m not sure why I didn’t think of that at the time.

Flashback – Joe Chill’s Parole:
College Rachel?  DA Rachel?  Isn’t she a little young to be working in the DA’s office? – Anyway, Bruce, I hope you’re not going to do something stupid today.

College Bruce – Um, maybe.

Chill – I’m really sorry, your Honor, for killing those people.  So, can I go now?

Judge – Sure, you’ve convinced me.

[[Chill is killed by a mafia hitman]]

Younger Rachel – Falcone had him killed!  I knew that would happen!

College Bruce – I was going to kill him anyway.

Younger Rachel – You’re an idiot.  You have wealth and privilege and you were going to waste all that on a petty act of revenge.  Look at all these poor people here!  And Falcone controls the underworld.  His actions created Joe Chill and will create more like Joe Chill.  So go tell him what you think!

College Bruce – That is a terrible idea!  I’ll do it!

Flashback – A Modern Speakeasy, I guess:
Younger Falcone – Oh, the Wayne kid.  Here’s the deal.  I run this town and you can suck it with your outrageous fortune and financial and political connections and the ability to buy and sell everything in my criminal empire three times over.

Bruce – Are you actually telling the Gotham City equivalent of Bill Gates or Steve Jobs that there’s nothing I can do to topple your criminal empire?  Seriously?  You can bribe judges; I can finance their re-election campaigns.  You can launder money and I can ask my buddies to have the FBI look in on you.  You can launder money and I can ask my buddies to have the IRS to audit you.  Even freakin’ Al Capone couldn’t get away from the IRS.  If I applied myself, you’d be up on charges of tax evasion in five years.

Younger Falcone – Yeah, I know, I really come across as an idiot here.

Bruce – Yeah, well, I don’t even think about my already existing superpower (cold hard cash) and instead get really mad!

Younger Falcone – Ooo, you’re angry.  Whatever.  Get the hell out of my bar.

Training Camp, Again:
Bruce – Where we were again?  I’m losing track with all the flashbacks.

Ducard – Instead of using your money, connections, and intelligence to take out Falcone in a perfectly legal, if slightly lengthy method, you chose to run away from Gotham City and get yourself imprisoned so you could learn to fight.

Bruce – Yeah.  Okay, so where I am now?

Ducard – You’ve learned that you must be a psychological terror to effectively fight crime.

Bruce – Sure, if you say so.

Ducard – Now I’m going to drug you and then you’ll have your final exam.  A passing score is you don’t die.

Bruce – Harsh.

[[The blue flower makes a psychotropic hallucinogen which makes the whole not dying thing not particularly easy, but Bruce prevails]]

Ducard – Excellent!  Now you can help us in our plan to destroy Gotham City.

Bruce – Say what with the who now?

Ducard – Gotham City is decadent and corrupt.  We’re going to destroy the whole city as a sign to the world that injustice and crime will not be tolerated.  Also, you have to kill this farmer who murdered his neighbor to prove your loyalty.

Bruce – Um, so all this ninja-psychobabble spiel you’ve been giving me was to brainwash me into joining your League so I could help you kill millions of people?

Ducard – Pretty much.  So kill this guy and let’s get on with it.

Bruce – Yeah, I’m really not down with this ‘kill everyone’ style of justice, so I’m going to have to destroy your League here.  [[proceeds to burn down the training camp, kills Ra’s Al Ghul but saves Ducard’s life]]

Wayne Manor:
Bruce – So, Alfred, I’ve decided to stay in Gotham and make it a better place.  So I’m going to become a costumed vigilante crime-fighter.

Alfred – Did you hit your head very hard while you were away?

Wayne Industries, Applied Sciences Department:
Bruce – Okay, so that Earle guy is clearly running my company.  I’ll take care of him later.  First, some stuff.

Lucius – I have stuff.  All military-grade prototypes that were never put into production.  What do you want them for?

Bruce – Spelunking.

Lucius – Right, my fault for asking.  Look, take whatever you want, but don’t assume I’m an idiot.

Bruce – Okay.

Wayne Manor, Underground Caverns:
Bruce – This will make a great spot for my headquarters as a vigilante crime-fighter.  I need to get some more stuff, though.  Alfred, do you have a problem with this clear insanity?

Alfred – Oddly, I have absolutely no problem going along with this madness.

Courtroom:
Rachel – Dr. Crane, I think you’re working for Falcone and getting his goons let out of prison on an insanity plea!

Crane – You’re very astute, self-righteous, and don’t have a very good survival instinct.  That is going to get you in trouble very soon.

Falcone’s Place:
Crane – I’m tired of helping out your goons.  My boss is coming into town and he won’t be happy with you risking the entire operation.  Also, Rachel Dawes is asking way too many questions.  I told her it was going to get her in trouble.

Falcone – Okay, I can do that for you.

Police Station:
Bruce – I need an ally, and you’re the best cop in the city.

Gordon – Allies don’t threaten allies.

Bruce – Just tell me what Falcone’s up to.

Gordon – Drug smuggling.  But we can’t catch him.  Even if we did, he’s got all the judges bribed.

Bruce – I’ll handle that.

Docks:
Flass – Mr. Falcone, you’ve got me, your crooked cop, overseeing this drug shipment.  Why are you even here?  Isn’t this too great a risk?

Falcone – I just want to make sure the job is done right.

[[Finally Batman shows up in his own darn movie!  He beats up all the thugs and even catches Falcone, who doesn’t the sense to leave the scene when the trouble starts]]

Subway:
Rachel – Okay, threatening men, I have a tazer!

[[Batman saves her and gives her some pictures]]

Rachel – Wow, this has turned weird.

Wayne Manor:
Alfred – Don’t forget, you have to play the part of a spoiled billionaire or people will wonder about you.

Bruce – I’d rather sleep.

Alfred – I’m sorry, sir, you have to go party it up.

[[Bruce does so later but of course Rachel catches him at the worst possible moment and tells him he’s a terrible person]]

Bruce – Argh, this duel life thing sucks!  At least I got Falcone!

Police Station:
Falcone – Okay, Crane, just to prove I am the idiot I came across as in the beginning of the movie, I’m going to demand you let me in on the big plan in the works or else I tell the cops everything I know.  I’m also totally confident you won’t kill me.

Crane – You really are an idiot.  I don’t have to kill you.  Look at my neat Scarecrow mask!

Falcone – What the hell?

[[Crane gasses Falcone who comes down with the screaming heebie-jeebies and thus is completely unable to testify]]

Gordon’s House:
Batman – Falcone isn’t talking.  Who else is there?

Gordon – Dude, why are you at my house?  That’s creepy.

Batman – Who else knows something?

Gordon – You can try my crooked partner. [[Batman vanishes]]  Is this going to become an unsettling trend?

Mean Streets of Gotham:
[[Batman easily finds Flass and hauls him up for some good old-fashioned, pants-wetting interrogation]]

Batman – Where are the drugs!?

Flass – Dude, is that your Batman voice?  It wasn’t that bad before.  Now it’s like you’ve smoked like a million cigarettes and are trying to talk with a bunch of rocks in your mouth.

Batman – Where are the drugs?!

Flass – Okay, so this is what you’re sticking with.  Fine, fine, I guess.  I mean, we aren’t all Kevin Conroy.

Batman – Dude, this is hurting my throat to talk like this.  Answer the damn question!

Flass – Okay, here’s the relevant information.  Good thing Falcone’s not talking or someone might try to kill me for telling you this.

The Narrows:
Batman – The drugs are in stuffed bunnies?  Okay, fine, whatever.

Crane – Burn everything.

Batman – I’ll stop you!

Crane – And I’ll give you a dose of my fear-toxin!  [[does so]]  And then I’ll light you on fire!  [[does so]]

[[Batman runs leaping out the window and lands on the ground; he stops, drops, and rolls, and the heavy rain helps put him out]]

Gothamite 1 – So, that guy’s like, on fire.  Should we help or something?

Gothamite 2 – Feh, no, of course not.  This is Gotham City!  I’m waiting until he’s dead so I can steal his wallet.

[[Batman manages to get to safety and Alfred picks him up]]

Wayne Manor:
Bruce – That suuuuucked.  How did I survive?

Lucius – Alfred called me and I developed an antidote.

Bruce – What about my secret identity?

Lucius – You don’t think I didn’t figure out what you were up to the day Batman first showed up in the Gotham newspapers?

Bruce – Yeah, that’s a fair point.

Alfred – So I got everything ready for your birthday tonight.

Bruce – Yeah, I need to get to Arkham and figure out what the hell Crane is really up to.

Arkham Asylum:
Rachel – Okay, Dr. Crane.  I want Falcone released into the custody of the police.  I want him to go to county medical where we’ll figure out what you drugged him with.

Crane – Sure, fine, but first I’ll show you what’s really going on. [[people are dumping a chemical into the water main]]

Rachel – Hey, now I can go to the police and tell them what you’re doing!  Wait a minute; you’re going to kill me, aren’t you?

Crane – Totally.

[[Rachel tries to run for it but gets a big dose of fear toxin in the face and is reduced to a blithering idiot]]

Batman – I’ll save you anyway!  [[starts beating up the goons and gives Crane a dose of his own fear toxin]]  Who are you working for?!

Crane – Ra’s.

Batman – He’s dead.  Who are you working for?

Crane – I’m going to mentally check out now.  Bye-bye.

[[Batman gathers up Rachel, bypasses the cops, and has a very long chase scene in the Bat-tumbler before escaping to the Bat-cave; he gives Rachel the antidote, instructions she may or may not remember because she’s just been poisoned (!), and sedates her before telling Alfred to take her home]]

Wayne Manor:
Bruce – So, Lucius, it looks like a hallucinogenic chemical was dumped in the Gotham City water supply but it’s only dangerous in an airborne form.  Good thing there’s nothing that can vaporize water on a large scale, right?

Lucius – There is the microwave emitter that was stolen from Wayne Industries a few weeks ago.

Bruce – Damn it!

Ducard – Also, I’m actually Ra’s Al Ghul and I’m still going to kill your city by drugging everyone with Crane’s fear toxin.

Bruce – Double damn it!  Okay, people, I’m a drunk insulting idiot and I want you to get the hell out of my house right now! [[people do so]]  Seriously, don’t kill my city.

Ghul – We’ve been over this.  No mercy and no compassion.  I’m going to burn your house down and leave you for dead.  Laters!

[[does so, but luckily Alfred saves him]]

The Narrows:
Ghul – Load that thing on the train and head for the heart of the City.  But first, we’ll bust open Arkham so the cops are busy.

Rachel – Sgt. Gordon!  Batman gave me the antidote to the fear toxin.  There’s a dose for you and then a dose to synthesize a cure for everyone else.

Gordon – Great!  Now you get off this island!

Rachel – No!  That’s not enough drama!

[[the microwave emitter does its thing and basically reduces the Narrows to the scene of a zombie apocalypse]]

Crane/Scarecrow – Hahahahaha!!  I’m going to kill you now!

Rachel – [[tazes him and he falls the horse he was riding]]  Loser.

Batman – Gordon, take the car!  Do as I say!  I’ll take on Ra’s!

Gordon – That is a sweet ride.  [[Heads out of the Narrows to follow Batman’s instructions]]

[[Batman boards the train of death]]

Batman – I’m not going to let you kill my city!

Ra’s – Okay, when I said, ‘become fear’ and ‘become a symbol,’ dressing up like a nocturnal mammal wasn’t really what I meant.  You took my crazy talk to a different level of crazy.  Also, is that your Batman voice?

Batman – Argh!  Fight now! [[they do so]]

Ra’s – It turns out that the League is responsible for the Depression in Gotham that allowed people like Falcone to come to power, so in a roundabout way, I am responsible for your parents’ death.  Also, we couldn’t allow idealists like them live anyway.

Batman – Dude, the more you talk about injustice and justice the less sense your whole League makes.  I mean, what the hell?  You’re destroying people to save people?  Why not just save people?  You’re not just crazy, you’re a hypocrite too!

Ra’s – But I’m going to win once we get to Wayne Tower and this thing vaporizes the entire water supply!

[[Gordon blows up the train supports so the train cannot possibly reach Wayne Tower]]

Ra’s – Okay, that is a problem.

Batman – I’m going to jump off this train before it crashes.  I’m not going to kill you, but I’m not going to save you either.

Ra’s – Isn’t that kind of hypocritical too?

Batman – Yeah, probably, but I don’t really care at this point and neither does the audience.

[[Batman escapes and there are awesome explosions as the train jumps the tracks and does a ton of property damage]]

Wayne Manor:
Rachel – Although we’ve had very little chemistry or screen time, it turns out that I love you.

Bruce – Awesome.

Rachel – However, since I also know you’re Batman because you told me, we can’t be together because you’re clearly insane.  But if you sane up again, call me.

Bruce – Bummer.

Wayne Tower:
Earle – What the hell is going on here?

Bruce – It turns out I didn’t forget about how you took over my company behind my back so I bought it up again and you’re fired.  And I gave Lucius your job.

Lucius – Haha, loser.

Police Station:
Batman – I like the spotlight.

Gordon – Thanks.  Listen, I think things are looking better for us cops, so if it’s all the same to you, let us handle the mundane stuff.

Batman – What about me?

Gordon – Well, there are a whole bunch of escaped inmates from Arkham who are still wandering the streets.  That drug probably didn’t help them.  Here’s one you can look into.

Batman – So you’re saying you want me to deal with the weird stuff?

Gordon – Pretty much.

Batman – I can do that.  Hey, this appears to be a clue to the main villain in the sequel.

-fade-out-

Fifteen-minute Movie: Dark Shadows

or, “Tonal Changes so Extreme You’ll Get Whiplash”
or, “This Was Supposed to be a Love Story, Right?”

Maine, 18th century:
Angelique – I love you, Barnabas Collins!  I’ve loved you since we were children in England, before your parents came to America to become obscenely richer.

Barnabas – Whoa, there.  Listen, I’m happy to get my freak on with an attractive servant.  It’s what men of my class do.  But I am never going to love you.

Angelique – I will make you suffer horribly until you love me!

Barnabas – Hey, I know I’m being an insensitive dick with the class thing, but that’s just creepy.

[[since Angelique is a witch, she has lots of ways to make Barnabas suffer; first she kills his parents]]

Barnabas – Oh, woe, the tragic death of my parents has driven me into the arms of my one true love…

Angelique – Yes!

Barnabas – Josette.

Angelique – Damn it!  Right, now it’s time to really show him a woman scorned.

Barnabas – Again, this is just creepy stalkerish behavior.  This won’t be wrongly portrayed as love until the “Twilight Saga.”

[[Angelique uses her evil powers to possess Josette and make her walk off a cliff to jump to her death; Barnabas is not quick enough to save her]]

Barnabas – Noooo!  If I cannot live with my one true love Josette, I shall die with my one true love Josette.  [[jumps to his death on the rocks below]] Okay, this didn’t work out like I expected.  What’s with all the maschera suddenly running down my face?

Angelique – I’ve turned you into a vampire!

Barnabas – You can do that?  I thought a vampire was created by another vampire.  Or a demon.

Angelique – That really isn’t important right now.  What is important is that you’re an evil vampire condemned to a terrible undead existence until you love me!

Barnabas – How in the hell is killing my parents and my girlfriend and making me into an undead monster supposed to do anything but destroy the last vestige of affection I may have had for you and replace that with loathing and hatred?

Angelique – It is possible I didn’t really think this through.  I might be a touch crazy.

Barnabas – Really?  You think so?  Well, since I’m an undead monster, I think I’ll choose you as my first victim!

Angelique – Or I’ll sic a torch-wielding mob on you and get you locked in a coffin for, I don’t know, nearly 200 years.

Barnabas – Argh!

Maine, Train, 1970s:
Blonde – My name is Mag…no.  My name is Victoria Winters.  This will be explained later, I’m sure.

Collinwood Manor:
Victoria – I’m here about the governess position.

Elizabeth – Great.  Meet the family.  This is my teenage daughter Carolyn.

Carolyn – I am going to do nothing but be insolent and insulting.

Elizabeth – This is my brother Roger, who is clearly a loser on pretty much every level except as a father, and he’s not a very good father.  But hey, at least he’s here.

Roger – Erm, yeah.

Elizabeth – This is David, Roger’s son and my nephew.  His mother drowned five years ago but he still claims he can see her ghost, so we have him under psychiatric care.

Dr. Hofman – That’s me!  Also, I’m drunk before lunch.

Elizabeth – Does any of this make you reconsider working here?

Victoria – Nope.  This seems like a great place to work.

Elizabeth/Roger/Carolyn/David/Dr. Hofman – Seriously?

Victoria – Seriously.

Collinwood Manor, Later:
Ghost of Josette – So the presence of a ghost that looks exactly like you and appears to be re-enacting her death also doesn’t cause you to reconsider your employment?

Victoria – Nope.  Despite all sorts of creepy things and dark foreshadowing and plenty of warning signs that I should get the hell away from here, I’m going to stay.

Ghost of Josette – Well, that’s one thing that’s exactly like the show.  Oh, and the plot is about to move forward.

Collinsport, Random Construction Site:
Worker 1 – Hey, a metal coffin that’s bound by chains.  We should open it!

Worker 2 – What?  Why the hell do we want to do that?  I think it’s moving!  And talking!

Worker 1 – Yeah, we should totally open that!

Worker 2 – But that’s a terrible idea!  There is absolutely no reason to ignore the giant warning signs that this thing is dangerous just to open it.  It’s a coffin!  Even if there is no monster in there, we should tell the police so they can handle this.

Worker 1 – Or I’ll just open it.  [[does so]]

Barnabas – I am so glad everyone here ignores any and all warning signs that a situation might be dangerous. [[kills every worker at the site]]  Well, time to head on home via a humerous culture-shock montage that in no way clashes with the horror the audience has just witnessed.

Collinwood Manor:
Barnabas – Wow, I have clearly been buried for a very, very long time.  I don’t even know what the hell I was looking at.  I need a guide in this strange new world.  You, disreputable looking groundskeeper, you shall be my thrall.

Willie Loomis – Sure.

Collinwood Manor, Again:
Elizabeth – So, Barnabas, you’re telling me that you’re a cousin from an English branch of the family that I never knew about who just got a fancy to visit his relatives in America and just happens to look almost exactly like our ancestor Barnabas?

Barnabas – No, I’m telling you I am that Barnabas and also I am a vampire.

Elizabeth – *blink blink*  You’re just telling me?  Just like that?

Barnabas – Would you prefer weeks and weeks of tortured melodrama before you find out anyway?

Elizabeth – That’s a fair point.  But I don’t want a vampire in my house.

Barnabas – Don’t worry, I won’t eat any family members.  Also, I know where the secret treasure vault is.  I want to reclaim the family’s fishing empire.

Elizabeth – Sure, why not, now that we’re suddenly fiscally solvent.  We just have to beat out the rival Angel Seafood Company.  Okay, don’t tell anyone you’re a vampire and you can meet the family, and our new governess, Victoria.

Barnabas – You’re beautiful!

Victoria – Thanks!  Despite the obvious age gap and your general air of weirdness, I’m kind of attracted to you too.

Barnabas – Great!  Then I will attempt to court you, awkwardly and weirdly.

Carolyn – Loser.

Victoria – No, no, I find it oddly endearing.

Carolyn – Losers.

[[Thus starts a montage of building back up the Collins fishing empire using the treasure vault and some vampiric powers of hypnosis.  Also, Barnabas is absolutely terrible at hiding his secret.  Also also, there’s maybe one scene in which Barnabas awkwardly attempts to woo Victoria]]

Collinwood Manor, Yet Again:
Barnabas – Everything seems to be going well.  And the CEO of the rival company wants to meet me.  This seems promising.

Angelique – Hello, lover-boy.

Barnabas – Gaaahhhh!!!  I mean, you’re looking very well for a woman who ought to have been dead for over a century.

Angelique – I’m a witch, duh.  Anyway, come to my place tonight if you don’t want me to tell everyone you’re an undead monster.

Dr. Hofman – I figured it out already.  He is really bad about hiding it, and he’s a long-fingered pale-skinned freak besides.  I’m totally “helping” him with his problem.

Barnabas – Hey, are those quotes around the word “helping” indicating you may not in fact being helping me at all?

Dr. Hofman – Um, no.

Angelique’s Place:
Angelique – The deal is the same as before.  Love me, or I destroy you.

Barnabas – We’ve been over this.  That attitude is creepy, controlling, and in no way loving.  It’s kind of the opposite of love, really.

Angelique – Maybe if we got our freak on, you’d change your mind.

Barnabas – That’s a bad idea, but it has been a really, really long time.  Right, then!  Let’s freak!  [[and it is actually pretty freaky and somewhat disturbing when the other arms come into it]]  Yeah, that was great, and we totally smashed up your place, but I still don’t love you.

Angelique – Fine.  I’ll give you a little more time to think about this, but if you don’t love me, I’m going to kill the family and get you locked back in a box.  Got it?

Collinwood Manor:
Barnabas – I don’t care what Angelique threatens.  I’m throwing a big party to celebrate regaining the family honor and she’s totally not invited.  I’m sure that won’t backfire.

Carolyn – Nice party.  Where’s the drunk doctor?

Barnabas – I found out what she meant by “helping” was “stealing my blood to achieve immortality” so I “took care of her.”  By “draining her blood” and “tossing her weighted body into the lake.”

Carolyn – Riiiiight.  And where’s Uncle Roger?

Barnabas – He was caught trying to steal from the family so he was given the option of growing up and owning his mistakes, or slinking out of here like a coward and abandoning his son.  He opted for coward.

Carolyn – Yeah, that sounds about right.  Later, loser.

Barnabas – Hey, there’s Victoria.  Victoria!  I’m glad to see you.  You really haven’t had much screen time for the person for my supposed love interest.

Victoria – Yeah, I know, right?

Barnabas – Shall we share a touching moment that really hasn’t had proper build-up in the movie so far and therefore will seem very forced?

Victoria – Sure!  And this will be a chance to relate my overly convoluted  backstory.  My name is actually Maggie Evans and I’ve been haunted by the ghost of Josette, whose name I never would have known if I hadn’t come here.  My parents thought I was crazy and committed me.  The ghost of Josette kept me company until I escaped.  She helped get me this job.  You don’t think that’s totally creepy, do you?

Barnabas – I think I love you.

Victoria – I love you too.

Angelique – Oh, hell no!  [[tricks Barnabas and traps him in a coffin while she sets out to destroy the Collins family and Victoria; luckily it doesn’t take too long for David to find Barnabas and free him again]]

Collinwood Manor, After the Party:
Angelique – Hey, torch-wielding mob, that guy killed a bunch of construction workers, Dr. Hofman, and some hippies.  He’s a vampire!

Barnabas – That’s…unfortunately true.  I am a vampire.  But you’re a 200 year old witch!

Angelique – That’s…yeah, that’s true.  I am 200 year old witch.

Sheriff – Okay, this is starting to go into some weird territory.  Everyone, you need to get the hell out of here before the really bad stuff starts to go down.

[[the really bad stuff starts to go down as Angelique sets the whole house on fire, proves her immunity to shotgun blasts, and starts to use the statues in the house to attack the residents]]

Carolyn – Okay, so it turns out I’m not sullen, I’m a werewolf, even though it doesn’t make any sense or have anything to do with the show.

Angelique – I totally caused a werewolf to bite you because I hate Collins’!

Carolyn – Yeah, and that still doesn’t really make any damn sense.  But whatever.  I guess I’ll fight the witch. [[it doesn’t work so well]]

Angelique – Here’s the deal, Barnabas.  Love me or I kill everyone.  Again.  Just like I’ve been killing Collins’ for two hundred years.  I even killed David’s mother!

Barnabas – That’s unsettling but seems like irrelevant information.

David – It would be irrelevant except I’ve been telling the truth about talking to the ghost of my dead mother.  She’s here and she’s really mad at the witch.

[[David’s ghost mother defeats Angelique, who is cracking like a ceramic doll, while the living Collins’ get the hell out of the burning house]]

Angelique – Love me!  I’m literally offering you my heart!

Barnabas – I’m sorry.  I just don’t love you.

Angelique – Fine.  I’ll just die. [[does so]]

Barnabas – Okay, is everyone out?  Yes?  Where’s Victoria?  Damn it!

Suicide Cliff:
Barnabas – Victoria!  I won’t be too late to save you. [[it turns out, he is not]]  I love you.

Victoria – We can never be together.  [[throws herself off the cliff anyway]]

Barnabas – Argh!  Damn it, I just saved you!  [[jumps and manages to catch Victoria and bite her before they smash into the rocks]]  Alas!  I am too late yet again!

Victoria – Note the extra pale face and super-heavy duty maschera.  I’m a vampire now.

Barnabas – So we can be together, my beloved Victoria!

Victoria – Josette.

Barnabas – Okay, wait, that actually raises a lot of questions.  If you are now Josette, does that mean Victoria was a bodily reincarnated Josette without a soul awaiting the right circumstances for Josette’s spirit to possess Victoria?  Or does it mean Victoria was tormented and manipulated by Josette her entire life until Josette could drive her to Collinwood and eventually kill Victoria and take over her body?

Victoria/Josette – Those are good questions, but the better is question is this – how come the character who featured prominently in the show for many many episodes, including the ones with Barnabas, didn’t get much more screen time than David’s dead mother?

Barnabas – That is a good question.  It doesn’t matter.  We’re together now and nothing will break us apart again, except maybe some ill-conceived sequel predicated on an entirely unnecessary subplot involving an entirely unnecessary character.

Underwater:
Dr. Hofman – Yeah, that would be me.

-fade-out-

Fifteen-minute Movie: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

100 posts!  Thanks for reading!  On with the show –

or, “They pulled the hat and jacket out of the Smithsonian for this?  Why???”

New Mexico Desert, 1950s:
Krazy Kids – Man, I love driving around in the middle of nowhere looking for random people to drag race.  Hey, there’s a military vehicle!  I’m sure they’d love to drag race.

Driver – It doesn’t make any sense, especially when you get the context, but what the hell?  Let’s do it!

[[they drag race for no good reason and the military vehicle ends up at a remote military base]]

Area 51:
Sergeant – You aren’t on the list.  You aren’t rogue foreign agents trying to break into this top secret base or anything are you?

Driver – Um, of course not.  Just let me get my paperwork…Kill them! [[the rogue foreign agents open fire and soon the guards are dead and they are parking in front of a giant warehouse; a ton of armed soldiers surround one of the cars]]

Guard 1 – Do we really need two dozen guys with guns for this one prisoner?

Guard 2 – I only hope we’ve got enough guys.  You’ll see.

[[Michale pops out]]

Guard 1 – Yeah, like I’m worried about that guy.

Guard 2 – That’s not the guy.

[[Indy drags himself out of the car]]

Guard 1 – Whoa, who’s the old dude?

Guard 2 – That’s the guy!  That’s the reason there are so many of us and guns!

Guard 1 – Seriously?  He’s got great fashion sense and all but he’s clearly old and washed up.

Indy – Yeah, you just wait and see how this turns out.

Irina – Find me the box.

Indy – Okay, so I’ve progressed from Nazis to KGB.  Clearly there is no shortage of easily-demonizable bad guys.  Anyway, the box is magnetic so it’s easy to find.  The box also appears to affect different metal objects differently, but whatever.

Irina – [[opens the box and appears to find a misshapen dead body]] This is the plot?  This is where Spielberg and Lucas really want to go?  Alright, I guess.

Indy – You realize I’m not just going to let you take that box, right?

Irina – Da.  That’s why we have the guns.

Guard 1 – Feh.  What is an old dude like you going to do?

Indy – Be more awesome than you can possibly imagine. [[Indy manages to escape the KGB agents despite them being younger, with guns, and vehicles, and with a nice nod to “Raiders” but the whole awesome action scene comes to a screeching halt about this point…]]  What the hell?  A fully furnished house the in middle of the desert with human dummies?  And is that a warning siren?  Am I actually at a nuclear testing range?!  [[Yes, Indy, you are; he hides in the lead-lined refrigerator and despite the radiation, high heat generated by a nuclear explosion, and nearly getting launched into orbit, he survives without so much as a scratch]]  Even by my standards, this is pretty unbelieveable.

Government Office:
FBI Agent 1 – Why did you let the KGB escape with the box?

Indy – Excuse me?  Did you miss the part about the kidnapping and guns and death-defying escape I had to pull off just to be here right now?

FBI Agent 1 – Clearly I am a jerk and a moron.  You obviously had motive to help them.  You were on the team that examined the remains of the 1947 Roswell crash…

FBI Agent 2 – Wait, what?  Is that really where Spielberg and Lucas want to take this movie?

Indy – Listen, you jerks, my buddy Michale is either dead or still being held hostage by the KGB, I had to sign a non-disclosure form about the stupid box, I didn’t help those KGB agents escape, and you’d better let me go before I get even more grouchy.

University Town:
Indy – Wow, being a cranky old man has its uses.

Greaser Kid – Hey, old guy.  I need your help to find my mom.

Indy – Who the hell are you?

Mutt – Mutt Williams.  My mom’s name is Mary Williams.

Indy – Listen, kid, I’ve slept with a lot of women.  Like a LOT of women.  That name doesn’t sound familiar.

Mutt – Dude, you’re talking about my Mom!

Indy – Right, I guess that was a little insensitive.  Anyway, I don’t know your mother so why should I help you find her?

Mutt – She’s friends with a professor named Oxley and he’s disappeared too somewhere in South America.  I have a helpful clue.

Indy – Oh, I know that name.  Well, I guess I can help you out.  Also, I appear to be attracting the attention of men in black, which is either the FBI or KGB, so no good.

Mutt – I have a knife!

Indy – And they have guns.  Never, ever bring a knife to a gun fight.

Mutt – Okay, well, I have a motorcycle.

Indy – Right, so we’re one convenient distraction away from escaping. [[gets the men in black caught in a gang fight in the restaurant so Indy and Mutt escape on his motorcycle]]

Mutt – I appear to be in the middle of an exciting car chase.  This has never happened to me before!

Indy – And I’ve been in more than I can count.  Move it!

South America, Lost City:
Mutt – So we’re looking for one of thirteen lost legendary crystal skulls that Oxley found and then hid?  Won’t this be hard to find and involve lots of puzzle-solving and surviving death-traps?

Indy – Or the skull could just be poorly hidden underneath this body.  That was really, really easy.  I’m really not sure what to do now.  Usually this involves more snakes and Nazis.

Irina – Let us provide you with some conflict!

Indy – How the hell did you find us?

Michale – That would be me.  I betrayed you, but you’re not going to hold that against me, right?

Indy – Not.  At.  All.

South America, KGB Camp:  
Indy – Oxley!  What the hell happened to you?

Oxley – Banana watermelon wot wot all hey nonni nonni ooooga booga.  Hahahahahaha!!!

Indy – Fiends!  What did you do to him?  He’s a much better actor than that!

Irina – We made your friend Oxley stare into the skull so the skull would telepathically tell him where to find the lost city and the other skulls.  It drove him crazy instead and now he’s a nonsense-spewing idiot.  However, we’re confident if we could translate the gibberish, he would tell us where to find the other skulls.

Indy – I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

Irina –  You should.  So we’re going to make you stare at the skull and hope you go just crazy enough to understand Oxley but not so crazy you can’t tell us where to go.

Indy – No, not about potentially going crazy.  I’ve got a bad feeling about where this movie is going.  I really hope it’s not where I think.

Irina – Just stare at the pretty lights. [[turns on machine and Indy squirms and finally she shuts it off]]  Right, how’s your sanity?

Indy – Better than yours, lady.  Why do you want these skulls anyway?

Irina – To have all the knowledge in the world!

Indy – And you don’t think this might backfire on you horribly?

Irina – Nyet.  Why?

Indy – Years of experience.  Anyway, I’m not leading you to the city and you can’t make me.

Irina – How about if we have a convenient hostage?  We’ve got Oxley and this greasy kid.

Mutt – Greaser, lady.

Oxley – Macaroni subpar walnut bowling zombies! <don’t take=”” us=”” to=”” the=”” city! =”” spare=”” audience=”” big=”” reveal!=””>

Indy – Yeah, well, why don’t you stare at the skull for a while?

Irina – I’ve also got her!

Marian – Hey, take your hands off of me.

Indy – Marian!

Marian – Oh, I’m so happy to see you! [[runs and hugs Mutt much to the chagrin and disappointment of Indy]]  Well, well, Indiana Jones.  You and me kidnapped at the hands of facists.  Just like old times, huh?

Indy – Well, you didn’t have a kid then!  When did you get married and have a kid?

Marian – After you left me at the altar!

Indy – Oh, right.  That.  I can explain.

Irina – Enough of your petty humorous bickering which in no way foreshadows an eventual reconciliation.  Jones, you help me or I start killing off your friends.

Indy – Fine.  But I have to be the one to return the skull to its rightful place because it telepathically told me to.

Irina – Are you sure we didn’t make you a little too crazy?

South America, KGB camp, later:
Indy – Right, let’s bust out of here. [[the escape attempt goes pretty well until Indy and Marian are caught in quicksand and crazy Oxley is sent to get help]]  Right, in case we die, you should know I’m really sorry about leaving you at the altar.

Marian – In case we die, you should know Mutt’s real name is Henry Jones III.

Indy – That’s funny because my name is Henry Jones Jr… That’s my kid?!  That’s our kid??  The greaser is our kid?  The rebel without a clue is our kid!?

Marian – Yeah, I know.  I thought he’d either be totally bad-ass like us or a quiet and scholarly bad-ass like our fathers.  He didn’t even stay in school.

Mutt – Hey, I can be bad-ass!  I ride a motorcycle and everything! Look, I’m going to rescue both of you! [[does so, but of course they all end up captured again]]

Indy – Right, my fault for sending the crazy guy to get help.

South America, On the Road:
Indy – Right, time for another escape attempt and maybe I’ll get to punch Michale’s face for this. [[cue new escape attempt]]

Michale – Damn it, Indy, I’m a double-agent.  How else could I keep an eye on them?

Indy – Oh, okay.  No problem then.  I’ll completely forgive you.

[[the escape attempt involves scary driving through forests, some ants that are persistent to the point of ridiculous, and about 30 seconds worth of watching Mutt endure nut shots]]

Mutt – Because nothing says “bad-ass” like nut shots.  Way to go, Spielberg.

[[eventually Indy, Oxley, Marian, and Mutt escape the clutches of the KGB and start making their own way to the lost city]]

South America, Different Lost City:
Indy – Okay everyone, be careful, since I’m pretty sure this place will involve lots of death-traps and some puzzle-solving.

Marian – And we should bring along crazy Oxley why?  Won’t he get hurt?

Indy – Maybe, but if we leave him behind he’ll definitely get hurt.

Oxley – Lightsaber TIE fighter astrodroid THX. <Aliens!!  Aliens!!>

Indy – Whoa, maybe I did get too much of the crazy.  There is no way you just said what I think you said.  That would just be stupid and ridiculous.  Also, and this is very important, DO NOT get captured.

[[they manage to do a little puzzle-solving involving sand and escape some death-traps to get to the secret room with thirteen crystal skeletons and one is clearly missing a head]]

Oxley – Balsamic oxymoron awooga bran flakes.  <Too late.  All is lost.  No refunds, people.><see, they’re=”” clearly=”” aliens! =”” aliens=”” from=”” another=”” dimension!=””>

Indy – Right, right, look, I’ll put the skull back and we can all just go home.

Irina – Or I can show up and spoil everything!  Give me that skull!

Indy – Damn it!  How hard is it to not get captured?  Anyway, here’s the skull, but you’re going to regret it.  Everyone, please join me in subtly distancing ourselves from what is sure to be something very very bad.

Irina – [[she sets the skull back into place and all the crystal skeletons start moving and then merge into one silver, alien being]]  I want to know everything!

Alien – <<Ok, first thing is that we’re really mad you didn’t let the guy we ask to put the skull back actually put the skull back.  Also, cue the earthquake.>>

[[the whole city starts shaking and a spinning vortex of doom opens up in the room and starts sucking everything inside]]

Michale – Leave me.  It turns out I really was working for the KGB but I feel so guilty I’ll just die here and let you escape.

Indy – Okey-dokey!

[[Indy and Co. manage to escape while Irina and Co. are destroyed; Irina herself appears to implode from the psychic energies and finally the whole darn city turns into a freakin’ spaceship and warps away through the dimensional vortex]]

Indy – Alien conspiracy theories?  Really?  Argh!

Oxley – I tried to warn you, but it’s too late now.

Church:
Indy – Okay, so the adventure wasn’t awesome, but at least I got the girl.

Marian – Yeah, I’ll agree with that.

Mutt – And I’m ready to be the next Indiana Jones!

Indy/Marian – No you aren’t!

Marian – Either go back to school…

Indy – Or actually become a bad-ass instead of some clueless punk kid.  Then I’ll think about possibly in the far future turning the hat over to you.

Mutt – Aw, man.

-fade-out-

Fifteen-minute Movie: Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

or, “Nazis.  Why does it always have to be Nazis?”

Flashback Utah 1912:
Fat Scout – Indy, why are we separating from the troop and exploring these caves?

Young Indy – Because I’m curious.  Look, those guys are stealing the cross of Coronado!  I have to get it back and put it in a museum!

Fat Scout – Wow, so the producers are really trying to make people forget the last movie started with Indy selling a valuable artifact for money?

Young Indy – I have principles!  So you get tell the Scoutmaster to get the sheriff while I steal the cross.  For a museum! [[Fat Scout runs off and Indy almost gets away with stealing the cross until he makes noise]]

Fedora Grave-robber – Hey!  Get that kid!

[[a chase starts with Indy on horseback and the grave-robbers in pursuit in cars and ends on a circus train apparently]]

Indy – [[falls into the Reptile House]] AAAHHH!!!  So this is why I hate snakes! [[escapes and ends up in the lion car; uses the whip and scars himself]]  And this is why I have the scars on my chin.  Wow, this flashback is just explaining almost everything.  Whoops, there goes my hat.

[[eventually Indy gets away and runs home]]

Home:
Indy – Dad!  Dad!  You’ll never guess what happened!

Henry – Say it in Latin.

Indy – But Dad…

Henry – Latin!

Indy – Hey, I heard a horn.  I’ll be right back.  [[the sheriff walks in]]  Oh, I’m glad to see you.

Sheriff – Do you have the item? [[Indy gives it to him]]  It’ll go back to its rightful owner, which is this man wearing a fedora hat.

Indy – No way!

Fedora grave-robber – Thems the breaks, kid, but keep trying.  You have spunk.  Take my hat.  One day you’ll need it.

Indy – And this is how I get my trademark hat. Also, I like the look of your coat.

Boat, 1938:
Indy – Wow, that was a great flashback.  So what’s happening? [[gets punched in the face]]  Oh, right, I’m trying to get that cross back from the guy it was sold to years ago.  In the middle of a raging storm.  This will surely go my way.

Goons – What, seriously?

Indy – You’ll see.  [[proceeds to retrieve the cross and sort of accidentally cause the boat to blow up]]  How come everyone I met seems to have extremely flammable vehicles or lairs?  Well, I’ve got the cross.  Now I’d better hope the coast guard is around and not going to ask too many questions.

University:
Indy – And remember kids, archeology is boring and never involves finding artifacts of great power or nearly getting killed on a regular basis.

Kids – Yeah, and apparently it also doesn’t involve grading our papers!

Indy – Um, I’ll be in the office. [[hides in his office]]  Hey, Dad sent me mail.  Whatever, I’ll check it later.  I need to get out of here. [[sneaks out and is accosted by three men in dark suits]]  Okay, so this isn’t sinister in any way…

Fancy Party:
Donovan – I hope my men didn’t make you think there was something sinister happening.

Indy – Should it?

Donovan – No, of course not.  So anyway, what do you know about finding the Holy Grail?

Indy – That’s my father’s obsession.  But it looks like you’re off to a good start, if you believe in that sort of thing.  Which I don’t, even though I have every reason to.

Donovan – Well, I believe it.  Will you take the place of my missing lead reseacher?

Indy – Call up my dad.

Donovan – He’s my missing lead researcher.

Indy – Okay, that changes things.

Venice:
Indy – Brody, are you sure you should be here?  Dad mailed me his Grail diary, the cumulation of his entire life’s work, which he wouldn’t have done if he wasn’t in serious trouble.  This could get dangerous.

Brody – Well, that’s probably true, and I am pretty useless, but I want to help your father and my friend.  I wonder where that other archeologist is?  I don’t see him.

Elsa – Yeah, there’s a good reason for that.

Indy – Wow, you’re hot.

Elsa – And you’re a jerk.

Brody – And we all know where this is leading so can we please try to find Henry?

Library/Church:
Elsa – I last saw Dr. Jones working here and I found this scrap of paper.  He was looking for the clue to find the tomb of the last knight of the Crusade.

Indy – I don’t believe it.  X actually marks the spot.  Well, let’s bust in through this marble floor with this flimsy bit of metal.

Brody – That can’t possibly work. [[it does]]  Well, do you want to gather up some supplies for crawling around in dark, labyrinthine tunnels, like some flashlights or at least a change of clothes?

Elsa/Indy – Nah. [[they descend into the dark, labyrinthine tunnels full of water, dead bodies, and rats wearing suits and armed with only a lighter]]

Indy – Everything seems to be coated in oil.  Maybe we should have gotten some flashlights or something other than a lighter so we don’t accidentally set ourselves on fire.

[[Indy and Elsa make their way through the tunnels and actually find the tomb of the knight]]

Indy – Okay, I’ll just use this rubbing paper to finish the copy of the instruction tablet and we should be out of here without a problem.

Mysterious Fez-wearing Man (MFM) – I don’t think so.  And we’ll just use all this petroleum product to get rid of you. [[tosses match and lights up the whole tunnel system]]

Indy – Okay, let’s dump out the body of this most holy knight so we can hide under the coffin to avoid burning to death.

Elsa – Are you sure you’re an archeologist?

Indy – Dump the body or we die.

Elsa – Right!

[[they hide under the coffin and oddly the petroleum laced water does not catch on fire there; Indy finds a way out and the water is remarkably clear; they manage to escape to emerge from the sewers at a nearby cafe]]

MFM – Get them!

[[thus starts a boat chase through the canals of Venice and only after several of the MFM’s cohorts have been presumably killed extremely flammable speedboats does Indy even stop to ask what the hell is going on]]

Indy – What the hell is going on?!?

MFM – Drop me off at that dock and I’ll tell you.

Indy – That doesn’t really make any sense, but sure. [[does so]]

MFM – You’re searching for the Grail.  I belong to a holy order that protects it.  Your father is being held in a castle on the Austria/Germany border.  I suggest you not continue looking for the Grail.

Indy – I’m really only here to find my dad.

Hotel:
Indy – Wow, somehow that paper made it through all that dry enough for me to still use.  That’s almost unbelieveable.

Elsa – When are we going to find your dad, who may be in great danger?

Indy – Tomorrow.  Being nearly killed really wears me out.

Elsa – What are we going to do in the meantime?

Indy – I’ll reveal to you that I have my dad’s Grail diary, which I was hiding from you, and then we’ll make sweet, sweet love.

Elsa – Sounds like a plan.

Castle:
Indy – I wonder if I should have stopped to investigate a little more about why Dad ended up so far north.  Oh, well, I guess it doesn’t matter.

[[Indy and Elsa break into the castle]]

Indy – Nazis?  Again?  Great…  [[swings into the room]] I’m Luke Skywalker and I’m here to rescue you! [[gets hit over the head with a vase]]  Owww!!!

Henry – Wrong Lucas movie, Junior!

Indy – Dad!!  Fine, let’s get out of here.

[[Nazis burst in]]

Henry – This is some rescue!

Indy – I’ll think of something! [[does so and Indy manages to disarm one Nazi and kill the others]]

Henry – Good grief!  You just killed those men!

Indy – Oh, yeah, I guess this might be shocking to someone who’s not used to this like I am.  Come on!

Nazi – [[who is holding Elsa hostage]] Drop the gun or I kill the woman!

Henry – He won’t kill her.  She’s a Nazi.

Indy – I could pay attention to my father who clearly has some insight on the character of this woman I just met, or I could ignore the obvious warning signs and throw down my weapon.  Yeah, I’ll go with second option. [[throws down gun]]

Elsa – Yeah, it turns out your father was right.  I am with them and I’ll be taking the Grail diary.

Henry – Oh, my son wouldn’t be so stupid to bring that with him after I deliberately mailed it to get it away from you.  [[Elsa removes the diary from Indy’s pocket]]  Junior, you’re an idiot.

Indy – Don’t call me Junior!

Henry – I’ll stop calling you that when you stop being an idiot!

Donovan – Gentlemen, please.  I told you not to trust anyone.  So, now we have the diary and the map, right?

Elsa – Hey!  The map is missing.

Indy – I’m not that stupid.

Elsa – He left it with Brody.

Indy – Um, no I didn’t.

Elsa – Yeah, that was a convincing lie.

Castle, later:
Indy – How did you know Elsa was a Nazi?

Henry – She talks in her sleep.

Indy – Wait, are you saying what I think you’re saying?

Henry – Yep, I totally hit that.

Indy – Ewww!  Okay, I’ll deal with that later.  Dad, use my lighter to burn through the ropes.

Henry – Great idea! [[promptly drops the lighter]]  Well, that shouldn’t be such a problem as long as everything in this room isn’t extremely flammable for no good reason. [[Everything in the room goes up in flame like it’s all coated in kerosene]]  Okay, then.  Indy, the room’s on fire.

Indy – Ack!  I think I can get out of these ropes but I don’t know how we’ll get out of this room. [[finds a secret door]]  Oh, well, that works. [[beats up more Nazis in a Scooby Doo-esque scene and escape the fire]] Now how do we get out?

Henry – I’ll find a secret door.  [[does so]]

[[Indy sends some boats off while he and his father escape via motorcycle]]

Henry – If you wanted the Nazis to go down the river, shouldn’t you have waited until the Nazis got away from the dock before driving off?

Indy – Give me a break!  I make this up as I go!

Henry – I’m beginning to get that impression!

[[They manage to escape the Nazis]]

Henry – We have to go back to Berlin and get that diary!  Or else we’ll never pass the challenges to actually get the Grail!

Indy – Argh!

Egypt:
Sallah – Marcus, what are you doing here?

Marcus – Carrying a map Nazis are desperate to retrieve.

Sallah – That explains the men in black who are trying to trick you into accompanying them to a museum that doesn’t exist.  You should run now.

Marcus – I’m sorry, what?

Sallah – Seriously, I can only distract them for so long.  Run, you moron!

Marcus – I really don’t get what you’re saying, old chap.  Are these men not on the up and up?

Sallah – Oh, for crying out loud! [[punches Nazis]] Run!

[[they run but the Nazis pull the same trick on Sallah he pulled in the first movie and they capture Marcus]]

Sallah – Damn it!  Well, to be fair, there was no way I could protect someone that clueless for very long anyway.

Berlin:
[[Indy remembers his problems in the first movie and knocks out a Nazi actually his size so he can steal the uniform]]

Indy – Elsa, give me the book!

Elsa – Why do you want that?  The map’s not in it, and you had to come to the middle of a Nazi rally to get it.

Indy – Um, because I do.  So neh.

Blimp:
Indy – Well, Dad, that was exciting and awesome, right?

Henry – My diary of sacred and holy writings has been autographed by Hitler.  That’s swell.

Indy – Hey, it didn’t get burned!  So, we have some time.  We should catch up.

Henry – I’m busy being scholarly.

Indy – Daaaad!!

Henry – Fine, fine, what do you want to talk about?

Indy – Yeah, you know what, I can’t think of a single thing to tell you that you might find interesting in any way.

Audience – Seriously, Indy?  Seriously?  Two movies worth of adventures including flashbacks and nothing stands out?  You found the Ark of the Covenant and you don’t think that’s something your father would find remotely interesting considering his obsession with finding the Holy Grail?!?!

Indy – Nope, not a thing.  Uh-oh, the blimp is turning around.  We’d better get out of here.

Henry – Do you spend a lot of your time with people trying to kill you?

Indy – Much more than you think.  Hey, a handy airplane.  Let’s go.  [[they steal the emergency airplane but it turns out Nazis fighter craft were tailing the blimp anyway]]  Damn it!  Ok, you fire the gun and get rid of them.

Henry – Um, sure. [[manages to damage the tail so badly they have to land]]  Oops.

Indy – Argh!  Dad!

Henry – Well, you can’t even land the damn thing.  How was I supposed to know how to use the gun?

Indy – Argh!  That’s a fair point!  Also, brace yourself!  [[Indy crash-lands but they survive with two fighters still after them]]  This is just great!

Henry – Between the people trying to kill you and the not getting killed, how do you find time for any serious scholarly study?

Indy – Scholarly study doesn’t stop guys from trying to kill me!

Henry – [[demonstrates that scholarly study, can, in fact, stop guys from trying to kill him]]  You really need to focus, Junior.

Small Middle Eastern Kingdom:
Donovan – So, your Majesty, we’d like permission to dig on your land.  I can offer you gold and jewels.

King – Feh.  I’m a king.  I have that.  That’s the stuff I use to line the bird’s cage.  But that Rolls Royce!  That’s awesome.  Give me the car, and I’ll give you anything you want, including tanks.

Donovan – Wow!

MFM – Houston, we have a problem.

Egypt:
Indy – Ok, we don’t need the map after all because Dad has it memorized but we do need to rescue Marcus.

Henry – You make it sound easy.

Indy – Well, it will be as long as they don’t have tanks and heavy weaponry.

[[Nazis blow up Sallah’s car and starts to shell at them]]

Sallah – Ack!  I’m going to have to pay for that.

Indy – What we need is a convenient distraction!

MFM – I think we can do that for you! [[MFM and his secret group of protectors start fighting the Nazis although they all get killed in the end]]  Turns out we’re not real good at this protection thing.

Indy – Ok, Sallah, get some horses and Dad you stay here.  And this is very important, and almost no one has ever listened to me about this, but DO NOT get captured.  Ok?

Henry – Please, it’s me. [[promptly gets captured as he tries to rescue Marcus]]

Indy – Damn it, Dad!  [[manages to beat up a tank full of Nazis and rescue Marcus and Henry before seemingly going off a cliff]]

Henry – Oh, woe!  My son is gone!  I have been such an idiot!  I never told him I cared!

Indy – [[struggles back up the cliff]]  What are we staring at?

Henry – You’re alive!  [[hugs him in a manly fashion]]  Right, let’s get going.

Indy – Um, I’ve been punched and stabbed and nearly gone over a cliff.  Can I at least stop and bandage up my wounds here?  No?  Thanks guys.  Thanks a bunch.

Crescent Canyon, Temple:
Indy – Rats, the Nazis beat us, but it looks like they aren’t having any luck getting past the traps.  While it would seem more sensible to turn back and let them continue to die because they don’t have the clues to succeed, for some reason I’m going to try to do something to stop them.  Remember everyone, DO NOT get captured.

Marcus – Too late.

Donovan – Well, I’m running out of victims.  Indy, you go get the Grail.

Indy – Hell no!

Donovan – Ok, fine. [[shoots Henry]]

Indy/Elsa – I can’t believe you just did that!

Donovan – Now you go get the Grail or he dies.

Indy – Fine.  Give me the diary and I’ll try my luck.  [[after passing a test of reflexes, spelling, and blind faith, Indy finds himself in the room with the Grail]]

Sir Richard – Have at thee!  Ugh, I am so old!

Indy – What’s going on here?

Sir Richard – I guard the Grail until a new knight bests me in combat and then he guards the Grail.  In the meantime, the Grail grants life as long as you don’t pass the Great Seal.

Indy – So why are you so old?

Sir Richard – I’ve been in here for 700 hundred years with only two books to read.  My honor says I can’t just throw the fight, but my honor doesn’t say I have to be in peak condition either.  Did I mention I have been alone in here with only two books for 700 HUNDRED YEARS?!?!

Indy – Um, I’m not here to guard the Grail.  I need to save my dad.

Donovan – Yeah, yeah, once I get eternal life.  Wait a minute, there are a lot of cups here.  What happens if I drink from the wrong one?

Sir Richard – Very bad things.

Elsa – I’ll get the right cup for you.  [[hands him a golden goblet]]  And now I’ll give Indy a look that clearly tells him I’m going to get Donovan back for shooting Henry.

Indy – I see that look and understand and will say nothing.

Donovan – Did I miss something?  [[drinks the water from the goblet]] Yummy.  Seems fine…wait, wait, no, I’m rapidly aging!  What a terrible fate!  [[soon ages all the way to a skeleton, dies somewhere in there, and then collapses into near dust]]

Indy – My turn.  [[picks the only wooden cup in the entire room and takes a drink]]  Well, I’m not a skeleton so this seems like the right one.

[[Indy takes the cup out of the room and gives the water to his father]]

Henry – I’m so glad you paid some attention in school.  And I found the Holy Grail!

Elsa – [[starts to get a bad look in her eye and takes the cup]] Ok, we’ve got the Grail, now let’s get out of here!

Indy – Don’t cross the Seal!

Elsa – What Seal? [[crosses the Seal and an earthquake starts]] Oh.  Oops.

[[the earthquake causes everyone to fall down including Elsa who drops the cup and the ground opens up and the cup rolls down a fissure; Elsa dives after it]]

Indy – Elsa, give me your hand or you’ll fall.

Elsa – But the whole point is getting the Grail!

Indy – The Grail’s no good if you’re dead!

[[Elsa slips anyway and falls to her doom and Indy is nearly knocked off the edge]]

Henry – Indy, give me your hand or you’ll fall

Indy – But the whole point is getting the Grail!

Henry – Son, it’s fine.  Let’s go.

Indy – You’re right.

[[Henry helps him up and they escape from the collapsing temple]]

Sir Richard – Well, that’s just great.  I wait 700 hundred years for a new knight to take my place and instead the whole place falls to pieces.  And I get to die of extreme old age and or dehydration, starvation, or possibly suffocation.  I am so glad I went on the Crusade for this.

Crescent Canyon, Outside:
Henry – The greatest archeological find of the century and it’s gone just like that.

Sallah – You think that’s greater than finding the Ark of the Covenant?

Henry – Who found what again?

Marcus – Can we please get out of this desert now?

Sallah – Indy, you didn’t tell him about the Ark?

Indy – For some reason, I didn’t think it was important.  So let’s get out of here.

Sallah – Okay, whatever.  Hey, why do you keep calling Indy, “junior?”  It seems odd I would have never heard this English word before, but otherwise it wouldn’t set up the joke.

Henry – He’s Henry Jones Junior.  “Indiana” was the dog’s name.

Sallah/Marcus – That’s funny.

Indy – The dog was around more than Dad.

Henry – That’s a low blow, especially since we just reconnected and all that.

Indy – You’re right.  Let’s all ride off into the sunset, indicating there will never, ever be another Indiana Jones movie. The franchise is all done, right now.

-fade out-

Fifteen-minute Movie: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

A random thought before I start with this parody: when I hum the “Indiana Jones” theme it always seems to end up the “A-Team” theme by the end.  I don’t know why.  Does anyone else have this happen to them?  It could just be me.  Maybe I’m the only person whose brain is weird that way.  On with the snark:

or, “Darkier and Edgier Strikes Back”

Shanghai, Night Club:
Willie – So the last movie started with a bad-ass action scene.  This one is starting even better – with dancing-girls!  And me!

Indy – So, where’s the diamond?

Lao Che – Where’s the item?

Willie – Hey, move over.  That’s my seat.

Indy – Diamond first, then item.

Lao Che – Or I can just kill you and take the item.

Indy – [[takes Willie hostage]]  Diamond please, and I let your girl go.

Willie – Listen, I’ve just met you, but taking an innocent person hostage seems seriously out of character for you.

Lao Che – Fine, fine.  [[they exchange items and Indy releases Willie]] So have some champagne, on us.  Please, don’t pay attention to us laughing at you in anticipation as you pick up the glass.

Indy – Okay, I won’t.  [[chugs it]]  Mmm, tasty.

Lao Che – For poison!

Indy – My waiter friend will kill you unless you give me the antidote! [[Lao Che’s thugs shoot the waiter]] Or, you know, not.

Waiter Friend – It has been an honor sharing one touching scene with you. [[dies]]

Indy – [[takes Willie hostage again]] Antidote for the girl!

Willie – It occurs to me that maybe after you tried to stab me and let me go, the rational course of action would have been to get the hell away from you!

Lao Che – Feh, whatever.  I’ll just have everyone killed.

[[Thus starts a nightclub brawl which begins with Indy throwing a spear of flaming meat into a guy’s chest, involves him going for the antidote and Willie going for the diamond, and ends with both of them jumping out a window, through awnings, and landing in a car]]

Indy – Short Round, get us out of here!

Shorty – Okey dokey Doctol Jones!  And I am in no way an unflattering racial stereotype!

Willie – I broke a nail!  And I’m in no way an unflattering stereotype of a gold-digging ditzy blonde.

[[Thus ensues a car chase which ends at the airport and Lao Che oddly allowing Indy to board the plane without even trying to shoot him, although it becomes obvious why when the audience sees he owns the airplane]]

Airplane:
Willie – Why am I even on this plane again?  Sure, Lao Che dumped me but he wasn’t trying to kill me specifically and I’m sure I could have figured out my own way back to the States.

Indy – Chicks totally dig me, even if I’ve been a terrible person so far.

Willie – I do not dig you!

Airplane, Later:
Co-Pilot – Okay, so why did the boss let them get on the plane and think they got away only to have us jump out of the plane and let it crash?  I mean, we’re stuck making a dangerous jump out of the plane to begin with and then we’re stuck hiking through the freaking Himalayas hoping we can find help getting back to China before we freeze to death.  Couldn’t we have just shot them immediately and landed at the next airport?  We’d be safer and the boss wouldn’t be out an airplane, which can’t be cheap in 1935.

Pilot – Don’t get rational on me; just jump. [[they do so]]

Willie – Indy!  Indy!  The pilots are gone and the plane is going to crash and there are no parachutes.  Do something!

Indy – Um, okay, well, let’s jump out of this plane in an inflatable raft.  We’ll sled down the snowy mountain and if we happen to come across a cliff that falls into a river, we’ll glide right off, surf the rapids, and even be able to safely navigate a waterfall.

Willie – First of all, I can’t believe all that would even happen, and even if it did, your plan can’t possibly begin to work.

[[All that does happen, Indy’s plan does work, and Willie screams and screams and screams]]

Indian Village:
Village Elder – Our sacred rock was stolen.  We prayed for help and you showed up.  Help us kick out the great evil that stole our rock, recover our rock, and we’ll guide you to Delhi.

Willie – Does that seem like an unflattering racial stereotype to anyone else?  No?

Shorty – This is not oul lroblem, Doctol Jones.  Leave it alone.

Indy – Yeah, listen, not so keen on this kicking out evil thing.  I’m actually a professor.

Indian Village, Later:
Adorable Escaped Child – Here is a valuable clue with no explanation as to how I, a starving and beaten child, obtained it.  Please help us.

Indy – Wow, abused children?  That is definitely darker and edgier.  Well, despite my callousness in taking Willie hostage, I can’t leave kids to be abused.

Indian Village, Later Still:
Indy – But that doesn’t make my decision to take Short Round with me on a dangerous adventure anything but incredibly ill-advised.

Willie – I hate elephants!

Shorty – Why we take lady?  She no help at all.

Indy – You’ll understand when you get a bit older.

Willie – Although that doesn’t explain why I agreed to this.  Wouldn’t it make more sense for me to wait here until you get back and then we all go to Delhi, or ask for a guide to take me to Delhi and get me out of this village who surely would be happy to see me go, instead of me going with you into the jungle for an adventure I am entirely unsuited for?

Indy – Yeah, you know, the more you point that out, the less sense it makes.  Better get going.

[[Eventually even the elephant gets tired of Willie and chucks her in a puddle]]

Indy – I’ll guess we’ll camp here.

Jungle, Camp:
Willie – The jungle is full of creepy crawly things!  AAAHHH!!!

Indy – So, I was teaching you poker, which is surely a wholesome game to teach a child.

Willie – AAAHHH!!!

Shorty – You cheating, Doctol Jones.

Willie – AAAHHH!!!

Indy – Me, cheat a kid?  That’s really pathetic and low.

Willie – Ok, ok, so where did you get the kid anyway?

Indy – He tried to rob me and I found out he was an orphan so I just brought him along with me.

Willie – Wait a minute.  You picked up some kid like a stray dog?  Really?

Indy – You know, when you put it that way, it really sounds bad.

Willie – [[confuses a snake for an elephant trunk and tosses it towards Indy]]

Indy – GAH!!

Willie – Did you just squeal like a frightened child?

Indy – No, that was a totally manly expression of surprise.  And a totally manly jump backwards.  Completely manly.

Evil Palace:
Chattar Lal – The purpose of this scene is to establish I’m obviously a villain and a real jerk too.

Indy – Well done.  Can we talk to the Maharaja now?

Willie – Hey, the Maharaja sounds rich.  Is he married?

Evil Palace, Later:
Willie – Oh, he’s a kid.  Ewww.

Random Indian Guy – You think that’s gross, wait until you see dinner.

Indy – Hey, I actually look like a professor now.  Why are the British guys here?

Chattar – It’s 1935.  They still own us and we’re totally fine with that.  Totally. Fine.  Have some bugs.

Indy – So I heard that the ancient Thuggee cult is alive and well here and is looking for these magic rocks to take over the world.

Chattar – There’s no cult and stop saying offensive things.

Willie – [[aghast at the dinner offerings]] You seriously do not eat this, right?  You just cooked all this stuff to gross out the British, right?  Because this is seriously sick and I think those are human eyeballs!  And are me and the kid the only ones weirded out by this?

Evil Palace, Later:
Indy – Willie, I brought you real food as an opening play for sex.

Willie – I’ll take the food, but you’ll have to do better than that if you want sex.

Indy – I don’t do hard to get.  You come to me. [[goes to his room to wait for Willie and has apparently forgotten he’s sharing his room with Short Round!]]  She’ll be here any minute.  Yep, any minute.  [[guy leaps out and tries to strangle Indy]]  GAK!

Willie – You’re a jerk for not coming back!

Indy – GAK!

Shorty – Doctol Jones?  I thought I heald someone getting stlangled.  Oh!

[[Indy manages to defeat the assassin and accidentally kills him in front of Short Round using the world’s strongest ceiling fan]]

Indy – Ok, I hope that doesn’t scar you or anything.  Better check on Willie.

Willie – I knew you couldn’t resist me!

Indy – I could explain I nearly got killed but I’m just going to find the secret passage and ignore you.  [[does so]] Shorty, get our gear.

Secret Passage:
Indy – Ok, why doesn’t my gear include a flashlight, lantern, lamp, torch or any other illuminating device besides matches?  This is just stupid.

[[they get themselves trapped in a booby trap]]

Indy – And now our only hope is Willie.

Shorty – We so dead.

Willie – Hey, at least I brought a lamp into the scary dark secret passage.

Indy – Just get us out of the death trap!

Willie – [[does so]] I’m covered in bugs!!!  AAAHHH!!! [[manages not only to set off the death trap again but also breaks the lamp; but they escape and stumble on the secret Thuggee death cult headed up by Mola Ram]]  Ok, I’m pretty sure that I’m justified in screaming since that guy just ripped out the other guy’s heart and dumped him in a lava pit!

Indy – Please don’t scream.  Hey, look, they’ve got the magic rocks.

Mola Ram – Ok, everyone, that was a great human sacrifice.  Remember, next sacrifice same time, same place.  Everyone out!  You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here!

[[everyone casually filters out of the death cult room]]

Indy – I’ll get the rocks, you two stay here, be quiet, and this is very important: do not get captured.

Shorty – Okey dokey Doctol Jones.

Indy – You know, I would have thought they’d be a little more protective of the stones and not leave them out like this.  But it works for me.  Now all I have to do is not get distracted by wailing… [[hears wailing]] Well, I’d better check it out. [[stumbles across a vast maze of caves being mined by children]]  Abused child slaves?  Wow, this is really dark.  I could sneak out of here and warn the Maharaja and all those British guys with guns, or I could blow my cover and not accomplish anything at all.  Yeah, I’ll go with the second option. [[blows his cover and is captured]]

[[Willie and Short Round are likewise captured]]

Secret Death Cult Prison:
Child Slave – Don’t drink the blood of Kali Ma or you’ll turn into a living zombie.

Indy – That is really good advice.  Thanks, kid.

Secret Death Cult, Later:
Mola Ram – I need five stones to take over the world.  I’ve got the child slaves looking for the other two in the mines.  But first, you need to drink this tasty blood.

Shorty – Don’t dlink it!

Indy – Yeah, I got that part.

Mola – Ok, I’ll torture both you and the kid and then force you to drink the blood.

Shorty – Um, isn’t child torture a little too dark?  I mean, come on.  I’m like eight here and you’re going to whip me?  Are you sure?

Mola – [[checks screenplay]] Apparently so.  Commence the torturing!

[[The torturing commences and features a voodoo doll of all things and Indy is forced to drink the blood and is turned into a mindless zombie while Short Round is thrown into the mines, although to his credit he turns his attention to escaping]]

Secret Death Cult, Later Still:
Mola – Ok, everyone, glad you could make it on short notice.  I mean, I’m assuming I don’t actually have frequent human sacrifices or someone is bound to notice.

Chattar – Yeah, maybe that’s why the British are here.

Mola – Hm, that’s a good point.  Anyway, we need to get rid of the blonde.  She’s seen everything.

Chattar – True.

Mola – Ok, bring out the blonde!  Dr. Jones, please put her in the cage now that you are mind-controlled and can’t resist.

[[Willie is brought out and put in the sacrificial cage with much weeping and gnashing of teeth but little actual attempts to stop it]]

Willie – Why did I ever get on that damn plane or ride on that damn elephant?

[[in the meantime, Short Round manages to escape the mines and heads directly to the death cult room as they start to lower Willie into the pit]]

Willie – AAAHHH!!!

Shorty – Doctol Jones, help!  [[Indy knocks him aside and laughs]]

Willie – AAAHHH!!!

Shorty – Ok, you clearly mind-controlled; me help by burning you horribly! [[uses a torch and burns him horribly which oddly enough does seem to bring Indy out of it]]

Willie – AAAHHH!!!

Indy – Whoops, sorry about that.  Here, I’ll start beating the snot out of everyone.  Hey, Willie stopped screaming.  Is she dead?  Or did she just faint?  Whatever. [[starts beating people up]]

Mola – And I will escape using this convenient tunnel!!  Hahahahaha!!!

Indy – Wow, I’m really surprised he left the magic rocks here since I am clearly occupied with fighting and couldn’t actually stop him from taking them.

Mola – Wait, that was an option?  Damn it!

[[Indy incapacitates Chattar, saves Willie, grabs the magic rocks, and they all run into the mines to free the child-slaves]]

Mine:
Indy – Ok, I’ve saved the girl and the kids.  This seems like a good place to wrap up the movie.

Thuggee Thugs – You have to fight us first on this incredibly dangerous fighting platform!

Indy – Ok, fine, I can beat up guys this big…

Maharaja – Yeah, but I’m mind-controlled and have your voodoo doll. [[stabs the doll]]

Indy – ARGH!  Ok, this is a problem.

[[the fight commences with Indy not doing well and Willie readying a mine car for no good reason; finally Short Round beats up the Maharaja and burns him horribly to bring him out of the trance]]

Maharaja – What the hell?  Kids beating up kids and then getting burned?  Fine, whatever.  If you’re going to use a mine car to escape, make sure you take the left tunnel.

Shorty – That good advice.

[[Indy finishes the fight and they escape in the mine car and promptly take the right tunnel]]

Shorty – Um, why didn’t we take the left tunnel like the kid who lives here said to?

Indy – So we can have an awesome mine car/rollercoaster style chase scene!

Shorty – That is a stupid reason to do this.

Willie – AAAHHH!!!

Mola – Clearly my thugs are not going to catch them, so I’m going to flood them out.  While this seems certain to cause the other three magic rocks to be lost in this maze of mines and therefore counterproductive to my plan of gathering all five magic rocks, what the hell.  Bust open the giant bucket of water we have for some reason!

[[Indy and Co. survive the mine ride although the bad guys do not and are nearly drowned by the flood of water but conveniently pop out of the side of the mountain and again manage to narrowly avoid being drowned]]

Indy – Go across the bridge to safety!

Willie – It looks dangerous and unsafe!

Indy – Of course it’s dangerous and unsafe but it’s less dangerous and unsafe than any other thing you’ve experienced over the past couple of days as long as the kid doesn’t jump on it or anything so get across already!

Shorty – Oh, so I shouldn’t jump on it?  Ooops.

[[Indy fights off more thugs who apparently knew where the mine would terminate while Willie and Short Round cross the bridge to find Mola Ram waiting for them]]

Mola – Give me the rocks or I kill these two!

Indy – Um, no?

Mola – I will make my point more strongly by forcing the hostages out on the bridge.  I will of course escort them myself even though that really doesn’t make any sense.  [[does so]]

Indy – I have a bad idea, which I will convey to the kid in a Chinese dialect so no one else knows what I am planning. [[does so]]

Shorty – Hey, Lady, hang on to the ropes; Doctol Jones is going to cut the bridge.

Indy – *facepalm*

Mola – Hey, did the kid say something important?  I apparently wasn’t listening.  Hey, why are you apparently hanging on to the ropes?  Is that something we should do?

Indy – Um, no.  [[cuts rope and bridge just falls to pieces, but Indy, Willie, Short Round, Mola, and a few thugs manage to hang on]]  Well, I guess I’ll have to fight my way up.  [[does so]]

Mola – Hey, guys with bows!  Shoot him already! [[they shoot but miss horribly]]  Ok, I need to hire better help.  Or not mind-control away their skills.

Maharaja – I told you guys to take the left tunnel!  I got the British soldiers to come help! [[the Brits with their guns chase away the thugs with their swords]]

Mola – I am not going without the rocks!

Indy – Ok, fine by me.  I’ll just use Chekhov’s Gun here to solve this knife fight.

Mola – What?

Indy – I’m going to recite the warning on the scrap of parchment the kid gave me in the early part of the movie that will have some kind of unexplained magical effect on the rocks.

Mola – That sounds more like a deus ex machina to me.

Indy – Whatever, as long as it works.

Mola – It is not going to work.  [[the satchel with the rocks catches on fire and two of the rocks plus Mola fall into the crocodile infested waters below]]  I can’t believe that worked! [[dies]]

Indy – And I conveniently have one more rock left to return to the village. [[does so]]

Indian Village:
Elder – You have returned our lucky stone and our children.  We thank you and will now get a guide to take you to Delhi.

Indy – Great!  And now I get to kiss Willie again.

Shorty – Yuck.  Hey, if this is set in 1935, and “Raiders” is set in 1936, what happens to us between this adventure and the next one?

Indy – Um, hey, look, the movie’s over.

-fade-out-

Fifteen-minute Movie: Raiders of the Lost Ark

or, “Never trust a monkey”
or, “Nazis and cube-shaped objects of divine power don’t mix”

South American jungle, 1936:
Lackey 1 – I have a bad feeling about this.

Lackey 2 – You can’t say that, even if this was produced by George Lucas.  That’s for “Star Wars.”

Lackey 1 – Yeah, but we’re in the middle of nowhere, going to look for a lost treasure in a temple no one has ever returned from and we’re being chased by hostile natives with poisoned arrows.

Lackey 2 – We’ll be fine.  Oh, and it’s time to kill that guy in the fedora. [[pulls a gun but is thwarted when Indy disarms him with a whip]]  Oh, hey, and it’s time to escape into the forest.  [[runs off]]

Indiana Jones – Well, come on, unless you’re going to betray me too.

Lackey 1 – What?  No, not me.  Lead on.

Indy – Ok, well stick close to me or you’ll likely to get killed by the ancient booby traps.  Oh, hey, and there’s the body of my colleague who never made it back. [[Indy navigates the booby traps successfully and takes the golden idol]] Booyah! [[and then the trap springs]]  Oh, &#$%!  Run run run!

Lackey 1 – You don’t have to tell me twice!

[[Indy ends up trapped on the wrong side of a pit]]

Lackey 1 – Throw me the idol and I’ll give you the whip so you can swing across.

Indy – That sounds like a bad idea, but I don’t I have a choice. [[tosses idol]]

Lackey 1 – See ya, sucker! [[runs off]]

Indy – Damn it!  I have got to do background checks first! [[jumps pit and manages to retrieve his whip before getting trapped; finds the spiked body of Lackey 1 and retrieves idol]] I told you to stick close to me.  Sucker.  Wait, what’s that rolling sound?  [[escapes giant rolling boulder only to be accosted by natives; Lackey 2’s body collapses in front of him]]

Belloq – Thanks for doing the hard work for me, Dr. Jones.  Now give me the idol or I let the natives shoot you.

Indy – Aren’t you going to do that anyway? [[hands over idol]]

Belloq – After I take a moment to scare them with their own idol [[does so]]

Indy – Hey, a useful distraction! [[runs away]]

Belloq – Get him!

[[after a mad dash from mad natives, Indy manages to escape on a waiting sea plane]]

University:
Indy – Hey, Brody, ever notice how many women are in my class, especially in this time period?  I must be a great teacher.

Brody – Riiiight.  There are some government men to see you.

Gov’t Man 1 – Hitler is going around the world looking for occult artifacts.

Gov’t Man 2 – Do you know of an Abner Ravenwood?  He went missing a few months ago.

Indy – Sure.  Abner and I had a, erm, falling out, but he was looking for the Ark of the Covenant.

Gov’t Man 1 – Oh, so does this classified cable he sent us mean anything to you?

Indy – He thinks he found the Ark, or at least the map room to the Ark.  There’s a couple of more pieces to the puzzle, but I can figure that out no problem.

Gov’t Man 2 – So Hitler thinks he can use the power of the Ark?

Indy – Well, sure, if you believe in that sort of thing, which I totally don’t.

Indy’s House, Later:
Brody – The government is funding your trip to find the Ark.

Indy – That’s great!  This will be the most important archeological find of the modern era!

Brody – But what if the Ark can really lay waste to cities and all that?

Indy – Pffft.  What are the odds all that religion stuff is real?  It’s just another artifact.

Nepal, Dive Bar:
[[We are introduced to Marian Ravenwood by witnessing her drink a much larger person under the table; clearly she can hold her liquor]]

Indy – Hello, Marian.  Long time no see.

Marian – [[punches him]] You jerk!  You totally took advantage of me when I was a student and you were working with my father.

Indy – Um, that’s not important right now.  How is Abner anyway?

Marian – Dead.  Thanks for asking.

Indy – Look, can I just have the headpiece?

Marian – Go to hell.

Indy – I’ll pay you for it.

Marian – Then come back tomorrow.

[[Indy leaves, and soon a bunch of Nazis enter]]

Creepy Nazi – We’d like the headpiece.

Marian – Yeah, I don’t have it, but I can get it to you.

Creepy Nazi – Or we’ll torture the information out of you.

Marian – Um, no?

Indy – I’ll save you!

[[thus starts a bar room brawl with the Nazis that results in the bar going up in flames and Creepy Nazi getting scarred with crucial information]]

Indy – So can I have the thing?

Marian – You destroyed my bar and those guys tried to kill me!  I’m going with you!

Egypt, Sallah’s Place:
Sallah – They’ve found the map room and are starting to dig for the Ark.

Indy – How did they do that without the headpiece?  Well, hell, can you get someone to look at this just in case they missed something?

Sallah – Sure.

Marian – Look, a random friendly monkey.

Egypt, Bazaar:
Indy – I’m sure it’s perfectly safe for us to travel out in the open in a city where there are people who are trying to kill me and probably you as well.

Marian – Hey, the monkey ran off.  Weird.

[[The monkey reports to a man in an eye-patch who is clearly bad news who then reports to Nazis who then send out thugs]]

Thugs – Get the guy in the fedora! [[thus starts a street fight which is apparently great entertainment to those not in it]]

Indy – How did they find us?  Marian, get someplace safe!

Marian – I can fight too!

Indy – They’re not trying to kill you!  Probably!

[[manages to separate from Marian, although this does not make her any safer and while she does an admirable job of defending herself, ends up hiding]]

Nazi – Which way did she go?

Monkey – Screeechh scree-screeech! <hey, big=”” apes,=”” she’s=”” in=”” this=”” basket=”” here!=””>

Marian – Who’s side are you on, monkey? [[and she ends up captured while Indy has his own problems]]

Sword-wielding Thug – Look how awesome I am!  I am totally going to kill you!

Indy – I have no time for this. [[shoots him dead]]  Never bring a knife to a gun fight, moron.

Marian – Indyyyyyy!!!!

Indy – Rats! [[goes to rescue Marian but it turns out to be really hard]]

Nazis – Quick, let’s everyone load up on the explosives truck!  I’m sure that’s a good idea!

[[Indy shoots the truck which tips over and explodes as heavily-armed trucks tend to do]]

Egypt, Bar:
Indy – Marian’s dead.  Life sucks.

Monkey – Scree <I liked her too, even if I betrayed her; but I’m just a monkey; it’s not like I have any way of knowing my master is working for Nazis>

Nazis – Come with us.

Indy – Whatever.  I’m so drunk I can barely stand and I hate the world right now.

Belloq – Wow, you look terrible.

Indy – And I really hate you right now.

Belloq – I really don’t want to kill you when you’re drunk like this, but I can’t have you trying to stop me from getting the Ark.

Indy – Then I’m at least going to punch your smug face in! [[everyone in the bar pulls a gun on him but a pack of children come to his rescue]]

Belloq – Saved by kids?  Really?  That’s sad and low.

Indy – Hey, it wasn’t my idea.

Bar patrons – So, you’re not expecting us to give these guns back, right?

Egypt, Sallah’s Place Again:
Sallah – Come on, sober up.  We still have work to do.

[[the man with the eye-patch poisons the dates while no one is looking]]

Old man – Hey, I figured something out!  If you don’t have both sides of this headpiece, the staff won’t be the right height and won’t shine on the right place on the floor.

Indy – So they’re digging in the wrong place!  We can still get the Ark!  This almost makes up for Marian getting killed!

Sallah – [[prevents Indy from eating a date]] Look, the monkey’s dead from eating the dates.  You’d better be more careful.  Also, if you go out again, you’re dressing like a native.

Tanis, Map Room:
Indy – Note all the careful archeology I’m doing to find the right place on the floor even though I’m totally ignoring the fact that the season probably has a lot to do with where the sun shines in this building.  But I’m sure this will totally work.  [[it totally does]]  Ok, Sallah, let’s go.

Nazis – Hey, guys in native garb.  Clearly you are workers and you need to get back to work.  Move it!

[[they do so and Indy stumbles into a random tent]]

Indy – Marian!  You’re not dead!

Marian – Mffffhththth!!

Indy – But I can’t rescue you or they’ll send out search parties.  I’m sorry.  I hope you’ll be safer here than with me right now.

Marian – Muah???  Mffhathh #^$& ffffphhthh!!!

[[Indy leaves Marian and heads back with Sallah to get ready to dig in the right room for the Ark]]

Tanis, Tent:
[[Belloq unties Marian and gives her some food]]

Marian – About damn time!

Belloq – So, let’s talk about Dr. Jones.

Marian – He’s a jerk and I hope he drops dead.

Belloq – Wow, well, that’s enlightening but not exactly the information I want.  Also, I want you to wear this dress I just happened to have in your size.

Marian – And that’s not creepy at all.  But sure, I’ll wear the dress for you.  And I’ll get drunk with you.

Tanis, the Well of Souls:
[[Indy’s diggers start work and around sundown he decides he doesn’t need that native garb after all]]

Sallah – So, don’t you think that storm’s a bit omnious?

Indy – Pffft.  If you believe in that stuff.  Hey, the entrance.  Whoa, is the floor covered in snakes?  Because I hate snakes.

Sallah – Yeah, that is a lot of snakes.  You go first.

Indy – Gee, thanks…

Tanis, Tent:
Marian – Well, I think you’re drunk enough to make my escape attempt.  Laters!

Creepy Nazi – Going somewhere?

Marian – Yeah, right behind Belloq here.

[[in the meantime, Indy and Sallah find and extract the Ark and might have gotten away with it if Belloq wasn’t paying attention that morning; sadly, he was]]

Tanis, Well of Souls:
Indy – Sallah, why did you drop the rope?

Belloq – Hey, thanks for doing all the hard work for me.  I’ll be taking the Ark now.

Indy – If this wasn’t a PG movie…

Nazi Lt. – And take her too.  She’s nothing but trouble. [[has Marian tossed into the Well]]

Belloq – Hey!  Oh, well, thems the breaks.  Laters!  [[they close up the Well]]

Marian – Ahhh!!  There are snakes everywhere and we’re trapped!

Indy – I’m sure I can figure a way out.  It may involve destroying this priceless archeological find though.

Marian – Oh, like that’s mattered to you before.

Indy – Right. [[destroys a priceless statue to bust though a wall which does lead to a way out]] Boy, I’m glad these huge stone blocks weigh so little I can just push them right out.  Oh, no, they’re going to load the Ark up and fly to Hitler.  Well, let’s make sure that doesn’t happen!

[[Indy distracts the pilot and fights a very large man while Marian knocks out the pilot but ends up trapped in the cockpit]]

Nazi Lt. – Stop pining over the woman.  She was trouble.

Belloq – Whatever.  Shouldn’t we be on our way now?  Something could happen.

Nazi Lt. – What could possibly be happening?

[[cue explosion over by the plane]]

Nazi Lt. – Well, go check it out you idiots!

Marian – [[shoots a truck full of Nazis]]  Oh, is that jet fuel?  Are you kidding me?  Indy!

Indy – Jet fuel?  Can’t I get a break? [[large man dies horribly on the plane propellor]] Ok, that’ll do.  [[manages to break Marian out and they run while the plane explodes]]

Belloq – I see death, destruction, and fire.  Clearly Indiana Jones is not dead.  Let’s load this thing on a truck and get out of here!

Sallah – I’m so glad you both aren’t dead.  Now what?

Indy – Take Marian back to the city and get us passage back to the US.  I don’t care how.  I’ll get the Ark back.

Sallah – How?

Indy – I’ll improvise.  First, I’ll need a horse.

[[Indy manages to ride up to the convoy, not get shot, and systematically take out all the Nazis, car-jack the truck with the Ark and run the lead car with Belloq right off the road]]

Belloq – What the hell was that?  He was one guy and he wasn’t even armed!  I thought you were highly trained soldiers!  Idiots!  I’m surrounded by idiots!

Open Seas:
Indy – Well, I guess an African pirate ship is better than nothing.  Hey, they gave you a new dress.

Marian – Yeah, and I’m not going to ask why these guys had it on-hand.  Wow, you look terrible like you were dragged behind a car or something.

Indy – There’s a good reason for that.

Marian – So it turns out I’ve forgiven you for ruining my life.

Indy – Oh, good.  So what does that mean?

Marian – A PG cut scene.

Indy – Sweet!

Open Seas, the Next Morning:
Indy – Why has the boat stopped?

Captain – Because a Nazi submarine is threatening to attack us.  Go hide.  I’ll try to get rid of them.

[[it doesn’t work and they kidnap Marian again; Indy sneaks on board the sub, which, we presume, does not actually dive before it gets where its going]]

Unpopulated Island:
Nazi Lt. – Why are we opening the Ark here and not in Berlin?

Belloq – Well, if you want to open this thing up in front of your Fuhrer and find out then that there’s nothing in it, then be my guest.

Nazi Lt. – When you put it that way, opening on this rock in the middle of the ocean seems like a better idea.

Belloq – Yep.  And it’s sort of implied since I believe in this stuff, if it all goes wrong, better for it to go wrong on an unpopulated island than Berlin.

Marian – Look, can I just go home?  You’ve got your Ark so what the hell do you want me for?

Belloq – You’re spunky and I like you.

Marian – Honestly…

Indy – If you don’t turn over Marian, I’ll blow up the Ark.

Nazi Lt. – Turn over the woman!

Belloq – He won’t blow it up.  Go, on, blow it up!

Nazi Lt. – Dude, just give him the chick already!

Belloq – No!  I can’t let him win anything ever.  Come on, I’m calling you bluff!

Indy – Rats.  Fine, I won’t blow it up.

Belloq – See.  Now take them both prisoner while we open the Ark.

[[Marian and Indy are tied to a stake somewhat out of the way while Belloq dons his Sunday best and they open the Ark]]

Nazi Lt. – All I see is sand.

Belloq – God damn it!  Wait, wait, something’s happening! [[various spirits and energy start flying out of the Ark]]

Indy – Marian, close your eyes.  Don’t look at anything.

Marian – I thought you didn’t believe in this stuff.

Indy – Yeah, well, maybe I was wrong.  Close your eyes!

Marian – Sure, but how is that going to help?

Indy – I think that’s explained in a scene that got cut.  Just trust me!

Marian – Yeah, because that’s worked so well.

Indy – Marian!

Marian – Fine, fine, my eyes are closed.

Belloq – Awesome!  I’m talking to God!  And apparently forgotten that in all the stories that’s not necessarily a good thing!

[[Then everything goes predictably wrong when people try to abuse the power of God and thus starts the smiting and screaming and melting horrors]]

Indy – Don’t look!

Marian – AAAAHHH!!!

[[Once all the Nazis are dead, the can of holy whoop-ass closes of its own accord and the two heroes are left to figure out how to get off of an unpopulated island]]

University:
Indy – Where is the Ark?

Gov’t Man 1 – It’s safe.  We have top men looking into it.

Indy – It’s the real thing!  It can’t be safe!

Gov’t Man 1 – It’s safe.

Marian – So, what happened?

Indy – They’re idiots.  They don’t know what they’re dealing with or how to handle it.

Marian – Darn it.  Well, I can buy you a drink.

Indy – That sounds just fine right now.

Remote Government Facility:
[[The Ark is put into a wooden crate with generic numbers and files it away among thousands of nearly identical crates proving sometimes the government does know what it’s doing]]

-fade out-

Fifteen-minute Movie: Mortal Kombat: Annihilation

or, “What’s Going On Again?  Because this Doesn’t Make Any Sense”
or, “Fail-tality!”
or, “Terrible Movie, Still a Good Soundtrack”

Eastern Temple:
[[sky darkens and a menacing figure appears without so much as a flashback or any scrolling text to provide some kind of context as to what is going on; get used to this because that’s the whole damn movie]]

Shao Kahn – I’ll conquer your world!

Liu Kang – Um, Kitana, do Sonya, Raiden, and Johnny look different to you?

Kitana – Yeah.  This worries me. [[the sky starts raining ninjas]] But this looks like a bigger problem right now. [[they fight; Kitana sees a young woman in a purple ninja outfit]]  Mother?  Well, no time to explain my cryptic remark now.

Kahn – Ok, clearly this destruction of the temple isn’t going well.  Better take care of this myself.

Raiden – Hey, you are so cheating!  [[fights Kahn]]

Sonya – And I will get in the middle of this fight for no particular reason except to stupidly be taken hostage.

Kahn – [[takes her hostage]]  I’m totally going to kill her!

Johnny – I’ll save her! [[lunges at Khan which causes him to drop Sonya but then kill Johnny]]

Liu – A main character dead before the credits role?  I am starting to think we have made a very big mistake.

Kitana – What, fighting Kahn?

Liu – No, signing up for this movie.

Kahn – Ninjas, sic ’em!

[[they all run from the ninjas and somehow end up underground]]

Liu – So what’s going on?

Raiden – Kahn is cheating and merging Outworld with the Earth Realm.  Sindel is the key to re-sealing the portal.

Liu – …  So what’s going on?

Raiden – Yeah, that’s pretty much all the explanation you’re going to get.  Oh, and you need to go to the mesa and get some more training so you can take on Khan.  But you can’t find the warrior; he’ll find you.

Liu – What you said makes no sense.  Anyway, I’m the Mortal Kombat Champion.  Isn’t that enough?

Raiden – No.  Now you and Kitana are going to find the warrior while Sonya and I go find her partner Jax.

Liu – Why?

Raiden – I would say to get help, but really it’s to cram as many characters from the games into this movie as possible.

[[they take off in cage things that move through tubes in the Earth; no it doesn’t make any sense]]

Outworld Lair:
Sheeva – I hate you.

Montaro – I hate you more.

Kahn – I hate everyone.  Why aren’t the Earth warriors dead yet?

Purple Male Ninja (Rain, not named) – I killed Stryker and Kabel.

Kahn – You killed off two main characters from the third game?  I’m going to kill you for being incompetent.

Purple Male Ninja (Rain, still not named) – Wait, what?

Kahn – [[kills him]]  The rest of you go off and do something useful.

[[they do so]]

Mysterious Robed Person – Is everything going according to plan?

Kahn – Yep, it’s all good.

Cave:
Kitana – So that woman was Queen Sindel, my mother.  But she died thousands of years ago.

Liu – Oh, right, you’re ten thousand years old.  And I’m going to live maybe a hundred.  Um, that could be a problem.

Kitana – You know, since you won the last tournament, you’re now effectively immortal for the next five hundred years.

Liu – Hey, that’s good to know since I want to date you and all.  It’s not ten thousand years, but it’s a start.

Gray Robo-Ninja (Smoke, not named) – Yeah, yeah, lame dialogue time over.  Let’s fight! [[engages Liu]]

Kitana – And I guess I’ll take on these totally ordinary ninjas.

[[Kitana does pretty well against the ordinary ninjas but Liu has a hard time with the robo-ninja; suddenly a male ninja in blue with ice powers beats the robo-ninja]]

Liu – Sub-zero?  I’m pretty sure I killed you.

Sub-zero – That was my brother.  I’m a good ninja.  Shao Kahn is after Kitana because she’s the key to sealing the portals between the worlds.

Liu – What?  I thought Kitana’s mother was the key.  This doesn’t make any sense.

Yellow male ninja (Scorpion, not named) – Enough explanation, back to fighting!

Liu – What explanation?!  And you died in the last movie!  Do you have a brother too?  What is going on?

[[Yellow male ninja (Scorpion, still not named) engages Sub-zero instead of Liu or Kitana; when Sub-zero appears to be winning, he teleports away and grabs Kitana and vanishes]]

Liu – You know, I feel like I should have seen that coming.

Sub-zero – Well, you need to find that Nightwolf character and get a new power before you go to rescue Kitana.

Liu – Wait, what?  Never mind.  Are you going to help out?

Sub-zero – Um, no, that’s pretty much all the screen time I get, which is too bad because I am literally the coolest character in the games.

Research Facility:
Raiden – Ok, I’m not actually going to help you at all.  I’m going to talk to the Elder Gods and find out why they haven’t stopped this invasion since it is against the rules. [[leaves]]

Sonya – Well, thanks for leaving me alone in this hellscape. [[enters facility and finds her partner with absolutely no issues]] You got bionic arms?

Jax – Yep.  Cool, huh?  So what’s going on?

Sonya – We need to save the Earth.

Jax – *blink blink* Please be explaining what that means.

Yellow robo-ninja (Cyrax, not named) – No explanations!  Just fighting!

[[he fights Jax while Sonya takes on a bunch of ordinary human ninjas; Sonya beats up her ninjas while Jax fails to beat up the robo-ninja but Sonya manages take it out; then a tattoo on the robo-ninja flies away]]

Jax – Does that ominous beeping mean what I think it means?

Sonya – I don’t know but I think we should run just in case.

[[they run, and yes, the beeping is a self-destruct mechanism]]

The mesa:
Liu – So, where’s this warrior? [[he’s attacked by a wolf that turns into a guy]]

Nightwolf – I’m Nightwolf.  That was pretty cool, right?

Liu – Sure, if it’ll help me save the world and my girlfriend.

Nightwolf – You have to pass three tests.

Liu – Which are?

Nightwolf – Do you want explanations or awesome powers?

Liu – If I say explanation, will I actually get one?

Nightwolf – Nope [[tosses a tomahawk at his chest and Liu passes out]]

The Mesa Again (now snowing):
Jade – I’m Jade. [[shoves his face into her breasts]]

Liu – Um, nice to meet you but I have a girl I’m going to date once the world is saved.

Jade – You’ve passed the test.  [[she transforms into a green ninja]]  Let’s go to Outworld.

Liu – Wait, what?  I thought there were three tests.

Jade – Um, no, not anymore.

Liu – Ok, I’m totally convinced you’re not a spy or something.

Temple of the Elder Gods:
Raiden – Why haven’t you punished Kahn for breaking the rules and invading Earth Realm.

Gods – Not our problem.

Raiden – No, I’m pretty sure it is.  That’s the point.

Gods – Yeah, well, we have a thing.  You can do something useful if you want.

Outside the Research Facility:
Jax – Seriously, what the hell is going on?

Pink female ninja (Mileena, not named) – No explanations!  Fight!

Sonya – Kitana?

Pink female ninja – You know, despite the mask, I really don’t look anything like the actress who plays Kitana, but sure, let’s go with that. [[engages Sonya]]

Jax – A cat fight in a mud pit.  This works for me.

[[Sonya takes down the pink female ninja and a tattoo flies off her back]]

Temple of the Gods:
Sonya – Wait, we never discussed a meeting point.  How did we all know to come here?  Where’s Kitana and who’s the green female ninja?  And why did Raiden get a wardrobe change?

Jade – Look, no time to talk; here come Kahn’s forces.

[[Sindel screams across the entire canyon, including the party, and the rocks start exploding following the pattern of her scream]]

Liu – Well, open a portal.

Raiden – Yeah, working on it.

Liu – Aren’t you a god?

Raiden – Um, funny you should ask.

[[Raiden manages to get the portal open before the rock explodes although in theory they should have exploded anyway because they did get hit with the scream]]

Outworld:
Liu – So, about that god thing?

Raiden – Um, yeah, I had to give up my powers to help you guys.

Jade – Ok, that is way too much explanation for this movie.  Come on, Liu, I’ll show you the secret passage to Kahn’s lair.

Sonya – And we’re doing what again?  Apparently nothing.

Kahn’s Throne Room:
Liu – Hey, the secret passage comes up in his throne room?  That seems like a bad idea.  Hey, Jade, where did you go?  I guess it doesn’t matter since I see my girlfriend in a cage.  Don’t worry, I’ll save you.

Toothy-faced guy with swords (Baraka, not named) – Lame dialogue time over.  Fight!

[[Liu fights the toothy-faced guy with swords, kills him, and frees Kitana; Sheeva runs in just in time to get crushed by the cage but hey, at least she gets a name]]

Outworld, somewhere:
Liu – I found Kitana but lost Jade.

Sindel – Boo!

[[Sindel blasts Raiden away from the main fight where he is promptly attacked by three green male ninjas who are not named but supposed to be Reptile; Raiden wins and rejoins the others who, it turns out, apparently captured Sindel off-screen and Jade has returned]]

Sonya – Hey, Raiden, you’ve got the same tattoo as that yellow robo-ninja and pink female ninja.

Raiden – Those were temporary tattoos to allow people with them to pass between the worlds.  It’s the tattoo of my family.  Shao Kahn is my brother so I can’t kill him.  Anyway, Kitana should heal Sindel and that should close the portal.

Kitana – I know how to do that?  Ok, well, sure, I’ll give it a shot.

Sindel – Hey, that worked.

Kitana – Great!

Sindel – Yeah, just kidding.  Loser!

Jade – Yeah, and I’m totally a spy!

Sindel – So I’m going to beat you up and then perform the world’s longest teleport lead-up. [[starts spinning]]

Liu – Soooo, we’re just going to watch Sindel spin here and not pay any attention to the admitted spy who could just kill us off right now?

Jade – Don’t worry about it.  Instead of taking advantage of your inattentiveness, I’m going to sneak off.  [[she does, and Sindel eventually teleports away]]

Throne Room:
Kahn – You failed me by not killing the Earth warriors when you had the chance.

Jade – Actually, that’s totally fair.

Kahn – Seriously.  [[kills her]]  And I’ll kill anyone else who fails me, including you, Sindel.

Sindel – Jerk.

Kahn – Go do something useful. [[they leave]]

Mysterious Robed Person – I’ll kill anyone else who fails me. [[leaves]]

Outworld, Final Battle:
Kahn – Fight me, brother!

Raiden – Okey dokey [[fights Kahn and ends up getting mortally wounded]] Well, Liu needed an opponent to fight anyway.  I couldn’t kill him, but you go right ahead. [[dies]]

Liu – Right, me and Kahn!

Kitana – I’ll kill the undead horror that looks like my mother.

Jax – I’ll fight the freak-o horse thing.

Sonya – And I’ll fight the red male ninja.  What was your name again?

Red male ninja (Ermac, not named) – Too much lame dialogue.  Fight! [[fight ensues]]

Liu – Hey, I just learned how to activate the new power I was supposed to learn from Nightwolf, or something. [[turns into a bad special-effects dragon]]

Kahn – Yeah, guess what, I can do that too. [[turns into a bad special-effects hydra-thing]]

Jax – So it turns out these extremely expensive bionic arms don’t do me a damn bit of good. [[rips of implants as though they were just cheap props and proceeds to beat down Montaro]]

Red male ninja – It turns out Sonya is tougher than I thought. [[his shadow turns into another full-sized male ninja (Noob Saibot, not named) and they both take on Sonya]]

Sonya – Help!

[[Jax joins her as Kitana wins her match against Sindel; meanwhile, the special-effects are exhausted as are Liu and Kahn, but Liu manages to defeat and kill Kahn]]

Mysterious Robed Person – If you want something done right, you do it yourself [[gets ready to do something nasty]]

Gods – Hold it right there! [[they imprison the Mysterious Robed Person, who is of course an Elder God and Raiden and Kahn’s father]]  You’ve broken all the rules and we’re going to punish you.

Liu – You wait until now when the worlds have nearly merged and Raiden is dead?

Gods – We were busy.  Anyway, we’ll revive Raiden and make him the new Elder God. [[do so]]

Raiden – Oh, that’s cool.

Gods – And we’ll put everything back the way it was.  [[do so]]

Eastern Temple (again):
Liu – So everything’s fixed just like that?  Sindel’s no longer an undead horror, I get to date the hot nearly immortal princess, half the characters that appeared in this film are never named, and no one really explains anything?

Kitana – Seems so.

Liu – Well, at least we can be sure there will not be a sequel to this movie.

-fade out-

Fifteen-minute Movie: Mortal Kombat

or, “Mediocre movie, good soundtrack”

Eastern Temple (dream sequence):
[[Shang Tsung is holding Liu Kang’s younger brother hostage]]

Tsung – I’m totally going to kill your brother because you ran away instead of fighting me. [[kills the kid]]  And I’m also stealing his soul, because I can.

Liu – Damn it!

America:
Liu – [[wakes up]] I don’t know what that was about, but I’d better get back to my home, which is a vaguely Eastern Buddhist-ish monk temple.

Eastern Temple (real thing):
Master Monk – Yeah, Tsung totally killed your brother.

Liu – Damn it!  Couldn’t you have called or something?  I mean, I know you’re monks and all, but there has got to be a phone somewhere.  Then I wouldn’t have to rely on learning bad news through psychic dreams.

Raiden – Or you could have just been here to fight Tsung like you’re supposed to.

[[Monks fall to their knees]]

Liu – Ok, first of all, no one except these guys believes that superstitious nonsense.  Second of all, aren’t you kind of, well, white to be an Eastern thunder god?

Raiden – Yeah, just for that I’m going to knock you on your whiny ass. [[does so]] Don’t let the casting fool you.  Note the lightning eyes special effect.

Liu – Yeah, yeah, fine, you’re a god.  So what?

Raiden – So you get on that boat and fight in Mortal Kombat like you’re supposed to.  You’re the chosen one.

Liu – Why can’t you fight?

Raiden – Because it’s mortal kombat, and I’m not mortal.  Duh.

Hollywood:
Johnny Cage – Ok, fellas, look, I know you all aren’t really martial arts masters like I am, but you are trained stunt men, right?  So how hard is it to fall down on cue?  Honestly.  I can’t work under these conditions.

Agent – How about you join a martial arts tournament to the death?  I’m sure that death part is totally made up, but if you survive, it’ll add to your street cred.

Johnny – That’s a great idea!

[[His agent walks off and changes shape to reveal himself as Tsung]]

Creepy Docks:
Jax – Why are we staking this place out again?

Sonya Blade – Because Kano will be here.

Jax – Creepy docks are not his usual hang-out.

[[Creepy guy with a metal eye walks onto the creepy boat]]

Sonya – There he is!  I’m going after him!

Jax – Wait a minute!  That’s totally against protocol… [[Sonya runs off]]  So, I should call this in or something?

Johnny – Hey, Asian-looking guy.  Take my luggage onto the creepy boat.

Liu – Seriously?

Johnny – Um, yeah.  Chop chop or whatever.

Liu – Right. [[tosses his luggage off the dock]]  You are a jerk.

Johnny – Well, okay then.  My mistake.

[[Sonya gets on the boat]]

Creepy boat:
Sonya – Where the hell did Kano get to?

Raiden – Hey, kids, maybe you ought to listen up.

Johnny – Who’s the old guy with the lightning eye special effects?

Liu – Raiden, the thunder god.

Johnny – Ha, ha.  No, seriously, who is he?

Raiden – The thunder god.  You are going to fight in the Mortal Kombat tournament.  I will now relate some back story. [[does so]]  So basically you win this fighting tournament or the Earth Realm gets conquered by Outworld.

Johnny – We have to save the world?

Raiden – Pretty much.

Sonya – I’m just here to kill, I mean, arrest Kano.

Raiden – Yeah, well, they don’t let you out of the tournament like that.  Good luck, kids.

Johnny – Wait, so I could really die?  That…that will be really good for my career, but not so good for me personally.

Liu – Loser.

Sonya – I’m going to find Kano.

Tourney Island:
Johnny – Is everything here just super-creepy?

[[Kitana’s entourage moves on by]]

Liu – She’s hot.

Johnny – Yeah, she is.  Who is she?

Random Person – Princess Kitana of Outworld.  She’s also ten-thousand years old.

Johnny – Sweet.  A cougar.

[[The tournament guests are treated to a feast in which they are reminded that yes, they can totally die and probably will]]

Johnny – If I live through this, remind me to fire my agent.

Tourney Island, Later:
Kano – So you’ll pay me, right?  I lured Sonya here like you wanted.

Tsung – Yes.  Also, I plan to cheat and take out Liu Kang outside of the tournament.

Kano – That’s cool with me.

Match 1:
Tsung – Hey, Sonya, you’re pretty.

Sonya – You’re seriously hitting on me?  Ugh.  Everything here is just so creepy.

Tsung – I got you a present.

Sonya – Er…

[[Kano joins her in the ring]]

Sonya – Still creepy, but I’ll go with it.

Kano – And I’ll hit on you too while I literally hit on you.

Sonya – Double ugh!

[[They fight and Sonya loses at the beginning but manages to win despite the move she is using would provide no leverage whatsoever and kills Kano at the end of the match]]

Sonya – Wow, that was a lot easier than I expected.

Match 2:
Liu – Oh, I have to fight the totally hot princess.  I don’t have to kill her, right?  Good.

Kitana – I’m going to give you vaguely worded advice on how to win the tournament while I throw this match and also indicate Tsung plans to cheat.

Tsung – Hey!  None of that!  Out of the ring!

Match 3:
[[Johnny versus some random guy; Johnny wins handily and doesn’t kill him]]

Johnny – So, that went well.

Tsung – If you won’t kill him, I will. [[proceeds to kill and suck the soul out of the random guy]]

Johnny – Is that in the rules?

Tsung – I’m the judge or umpire or whatever, so I say yes.

Sneaking Around:
Liu – So I’m looking for some sort of vague clue that Tsung is planning to cheat.

Johnny – And I’m with you because apparently I have nothing else to do.

Sonya – And my story arc has already been resolved, which isn’t necessarily good.  I hope I don’t end up being taken hostage or something.

Tsung – Hey, since you’re wandering around stupidly alone, meet my minions, Scorpion and Sub-zero.  They’re totally going to kill you.

Johnny – Well, at least I know who my opponent is tomorrow.

Tsung – No, I mean they’re totally going to kill you now.

Raiden – I’m pretty sure that’s against the rules, Tsung.

Tsung – Hey, no fight has actually started so no rules have been broken.  Come on guys, we’re out of here. [[they leave]]

Raiden – Don’t do that!  My powers are diminished outside of the Earth Realm and I can’t save you when you’re being stupid.

Match 4:
[[a random janitor with lightning eyes sets down a bucket of water in the tournament area; no one notices]]

Liu – Oh, so I get the ice ninja.  How is this fair, anyway?  I don’t have any super-powers.

Sub-zero – Oh, too bad for you.

[[they commence the fighting which is pretty even until Sub-zero starts gathering for an ice attack; Liu looks helpless until Kitana pops in]]

Liu – Oh, her advice makes sense now!  And it’s so handy there’s a bucket of water here! [[uses water to cause Sub-zero to get impaled on an ice sphere]]

Sub-zero – Lame! [[dies]]

Match 5:
Johnny – Right, so there’s a creepy forest too.  This is just great.

[[Scorpion appears and they start fighting]]

Scorpion – Get over here!

Johnny – Gahh!!! What the hell is that thing you fired from your hand?  You have super-powers!  That’s not fair! [[kills the thing]]  But you know what, I do too! [[tries to Shadow Kick Scorpion who teleports away]]

Johnny – Dude, not fair!  That’s all I’ve got!  And this really spiky shield I fell on.

[[Scorpion pulls off his mask, revealing a skull, and shoots fire at Johnny]]

Johnny – Are you @#*&ing me?  You breathe fire?  [[finishes Scorpion off by using the spiky shield to cut his head off]]  That was too weird.

Match 6:
Johnny – Dude, how did I end up fighting the four-armed freak?

Goro – How did I end up fighting some pansy movie star instead of the destined one?

Johnny – Ok, that’s it, jerk.  Let’s do this thing.

[[Using the power of arrogance, idiocy, and a well-placed nut-shot, Johnny manages to trick Goro into falling off a mountain and dying]]

Johnny – Booyah!  I beat the champion, I beat the champion.  Who’s awesome now?

Tsung – Ok, screw this.  I used to be champion, so I get the last fight to determine the winner, and I choose to fight Sonya because I know I can beat her.  I’ll just be taking her to Outworld now.

Sonya – Damn it!  My story arc resolved too early in the movie! [[they disappear in a portal]]

Johnny – So go after her!

Raiden – I have no powers in Outworld.  I’m an Earth god.

Liu – But he’s cheating!

Raiden – Not technically.  Don’t worry, as long as she doesn’t accept the fight, he can’t win the tournament.

Liu – I’m beginning to think the rules are just made up as we go along.

Raiden – Do you want to save the world or not?

Liu – Fine.  So how do we get to Outworld?

Kitana – I think I can help with that.

Outworld, Palace:
Tsung – I’m going to continue to hit on you creepily until you agree to fight me.

Sonya – UGH!

Outworld, Outside:
Johnny – This place is creepy and awful.

Kitana – It wasn’t always this way.

Johnny – Then it’s really gone downhill.

[[on the way, they are attacked by what is Reptile, probably; he is defeated and they continue on their way; finally they reach the palace]]

Outworld, Palace:
Liu – Ok, so destiny wins.  I am the chosen one and I will fight you.

Tsung – Well, it’s about time!  Fine, you and me fight.  I’m going to win anyway.

[[they start fighting; Liu does pretty well until Tsung pulls a dirty trick and shapeshifts into Liu’s dead brother]]

Liu – Dude, that is low!  I’m not going to be distracted by your dirty tricks! [[continues to fight and eventually develops an approximate super-power that is enough to kick the tired Tsung onto the spiky floor; this releases all the souls]]  I hope that special effect means I won.

Ghost of Liu’s Brother – You did win, and freed my soul.  Thanks.

Johnny – Great!  Brother avenged, girl rescued, destiny fulfilled, day saved.  Let’s get out of here!

Eastern Temple:
Liu – So, Kitana, you want to go out on a date or something?

[[sky turns ominous and dark and the image of Shao Khan appears]]

Khan – Ok, screw this tournament thing!  I’m just taking over!

Raiden – I don’t think so!  Prepare to pose purposefully for the sequel!

[[everyone takes a fight pose]]

-fade out-

Fifteen-minute Movie: Amazing Spider-man

I originally wasn’t going to post this one for awhile.  Honestly, I try not to post my summaries until I’m sure everyone who reads my blog (thanks readers; you’re awesome!) has already seen the movie if they are going to.  That’s why you haven’t seen The Avengers posted yet (although if you haven’t seen it, go see it!  Now!  It’s awesome!).  I’m trying to save you spoilers.  Then I came to this realization about this movie – there are no spoilers.  You’ve seen this movie.  I’m not assuming you’ve even seen Raimi’s set of movies or are even familiar with the comic books.  This is such a generic “everyman in over his head” action movie you’ve already seen it. There is no spin to this, pardon the pun, that is in any way surprising or frankly interesting.  I may also have gotten some things out of order because the movie was so unmemorable.  So, with that, on with the snark!

“Amazing Spider-man” or, “Emo Skater Kid with Superpowers”

Parker Household:
Young Peter – Hey, Dad, it looks like someone broke into the house, which is a really unsettling way of ending our game of hide and seek.

Richard – Well, there’s only one thing to do now…

Ben Parker Household:
Richard – …Drop you off with your aunt and uncle and hope no notices this plot thread dropped like a hot potato.

High School, about ten years later:
Nameless official – Hey, you, emo skater kid.  Stop skating in the halls.  And stop being so emo.

Peter – Whatever.

Random Girl – Hey, Peter, I’m going to establish with a few lines of dialogue you are the reverse Bella Swan.

Peter – What?

Random Girl – Bella Swan had no personality beyond “clumsy” but everyone loved her for no reason at all except the script said so.  You’re an emo skater kid, and you look like Andrew Garfield, but you’re a total outcast because the script says so.

Peter – Oh, well, I am going to get bullied by Flash Thompson, right?  That proves I’m an outcast!

[[Flash is outside beating up on a true 98-lb weakling; Peter interferes and gets knocked to the ground]]

Peter – See, I’m totally an outcast and a loser, just like the Peter Parker you know and love!

Flash – Dude, you’re not even a nerd.  And actually, this makes you look kind of noble and me look like a total douche-bag instead of making you look like a loser.

Peter – Then how come only Gwen’s going to chew you out?

Flash – Dunno.  It’s in the script?

Gwen – Flash, you stop beating up that kid right now!  Go inside and do your homework!

Flash – Are you sure you’re in high school and not some thirty-something?

Gwen – I am totally not outlandishly mature for my age!  Peter, are you alright?

Peter – Totally.

Gwen – Well, good, I have to go do some stuff now which is not awkwardly flirt with you.

Parker Household:
[[Peter and Uncle Ben are cleaning up some stuff and exchanging small talk in a manly fashion when Peter comes across his father’s old briefcase]]

Uncle Ben – What’s that doing here?

Peter – I’m going to look through it in case there’s a plot-advancing device hidden in the pockets. [[does so, and for the first time, dons a pair of glasses because nothing says that a main character is smart like wearing a pair of glasses]]  Hey, I wonder what this mystery chemical formula means.  And who’s this guy in the picture with Dad?  Curt Conners.  And it says they worked as Oscorp.  So I’ll just go to Oscorp tomorrow and talk to this Dr. Conners person.  That should be easy enough.

Oscorp:
Peter – Maybe I should have come up with a plan or something.  I’m never going to get past security.

Receptionist – Take your badge.

Peter – What?

Receptionist – You’re some high-school kid who looks confused.  Obviously you’re an intern.  Take your badge and join the group.

Peter – These badges don’t have pictures.  You don’t want to see my ID to verify I actually belong here?

Receptionist – Why would I want to do that?

Peter – No reason, I guess. [[joins tour group which happens to be led by Gwen Stacy who despite the professional atmosphere is wearing knee socks under her lab coat]]

Gwen – Did you sneak in just to see me?

Peter – I’m sure there’s no good way to answer this.  Are you going to turn me in?

Gwen – Not as long as you don’t do anything that will get me in trouble.

Peter – Like sneak away from the tour group and try to find this Conners person? [[sneaks away and randomly follows some guy who looks like he knows where he’s going; random guy enters a highly secured area, leaves, and Peter goes in to take a look]]  Boy, it’s really handy that this high-tech corporation that gives everyone badges doesn’t utilize that for security purposes like pretty much every other institution, public or private, in the country that has personnel badges.  Also, it’s handy that this unlocking this door to a highly sensitive area is no more difficult that unlocking an iPhone.  And isn’t it great there are absolutely no cameras anywhere? [[gets in the room and is bit by a spider; and then gets out of the lab and building with no ill consequences whatsoever]]

Oscorp, later:
Raj – So, Dr. Conners, where’s that cure for cancer you promised Mr. Osborn?

Conners – It’s not ready yet.  Do you know how long it takes to test these things?

Raj – Yeah, don’t know, don’t care; just speed it up, okay, one-arm?

Conners – If only I had that formula Richard Parker used to make the spiders!

Conners’ House:
Conners – Oh, Richard Parker’s son.  I thought you’d come find me someday.

Peter – So, what can you tell me about this formula?

Conners – Wow, it’s the very thing I’ve been looking for.

Peter – And what can you tell me about my parents’ disappearance and subsequent mysterious death?

Conners – Um…  Hey, would you like a job at the lab working on the same project your dad was?

Peter – Sure!

[[Later, Peter gets in trouble at school, which brings down the wrath of Uncle Ben]]

Ben – Peter, you know you can’t behave like this.

Peter – Whatever.

Ben – Hey, that’s the pretty blonde girl you have on your computer.  Hi!

Peter – Oh, dear god I want to crawl into a hole and die.

Ben – Anyway, I have to work the late shift now so you make sure you pick up your Aunt May tonight and get some milk, okay?

Peter – Sure just please stop embarrassing me in front of Gwen.

Gwen – I think it’s kind of cute.  We should go out sometime.

Peter – Really?  Awesome!

[[predictably, Peter forgets to pick up Aunt May and upon arriving home again incurs the wrath of Uncle Ben]]

Ben – Darn it, Peter, you know better!

Peter – Whatever.

Ben – Ditch the angst and take responsibility for yourself!

Peter – You’re not my father!  I hate you! [[storms out of the house]]

Ben – Well, rats.  Teenagers.  Better go find him. [[follows Peter out]]

Convenience store:
Clerk – I’m going to be a jerkass to you for no good reason.

Peter – That’s pretty much the story of my life.

Robber – And now I’m going to be a jerkass to you for a very good reason; give me the money.

Clerk – So, kid, are you going to do something about that?

Peter – Um, in the two minutes we conversed, have I done anything to demonstrate any particular skill, aptitude, past history, or superhuman ability that would lead you in any rational manner to assume there is something I can do to apprehend an armed and dangerous criminal?  I mean, you were a jerkass to me and all, but aside from that, that dude is armed and I am clearly not.  Seriously, do I look like a cop, soldier, or superhero?

Clerk – Yeah, by all accounts it doesn’t make any sense to expect you to do anything.  Will anyone be foolish enough to stop that robber?

Ben – I’ll do it! [[attacks robber and sadly, predictably, and frankly kind of stupidly gets shot and dies in front of Peter]]

Peter – Time to crank that angst up to eleven.  And become a superhero.  Or something.

[[Later, Peter steals some of the super-spider webbing to create his own webshooters instead of inventing the whole thing himself; again, no one in security or any other office at Oscorp notice a damn thing; I mean, what the hell?  It’s like Peter walked out of Stark Industries with the arc reactor in his pocket]]

Peter – I guess I’d probably better start going out with Gwen too.

Gwen – About time.  You should come meet my father.

Peter – Oh, that is sure to go well since I’ve started this secret life of superhero-ness.

Oscorp:
Conners – Darn it!  I can’t wait to find out what happens to that adorable mouse we injected with this serum!  I must inject myself.  I’m sure this will go well. [[injects self with serum; it does not go well and results in a fight with Spider-man in which Conners gets away]]

Spider-man – Huh, lizard dude.  Weird.

Raj – And I clearly need to go on a vacation or something.

The Mean Streets:
Spider-man – Hey, you stop right there!

Car thief – I have a knife.

Spider-man – Oooo, you’ve found my superhero weakness – little knives.

Car thief – What?  Are you trying to be funny or something?

Spider-man – Um, yeah.  You know, witty banter and all that.

Car thief – What, like you’re Spider-man or something?

Spider-man – Um, I am.

Car thief – You’re not Spider-man.  You’re not funny at all.

Spider-man – Well, I’m really more Ultimate Spider-man than Amazing Spider-man, despite the title.

Car thief – No, despite the Darkier and Edgier tone, even Ultimate Spider-man had way more one-liners than you.

Spider-man – Just shut up!  I’m totally Spider-man!  I am!  Even the cops hate me!

Car thief – Whatever.

Parker Household:
May – Peter, why are you coming in all beaten up?

Peter – You know, stuff.

Stacy Household:
Gwen – Peter!  How did you bypass the elevator to get up 26 stories to my room?

Peter – You know, stuff.

Gwen – Wow, that’s not stalkerish at all!  Nor is that colossally ill-advised since this is the first time you’re going to meet my father, who happens to be a captain on the police force!  Also, you’re bleeding!

Peter – Um.

Gwen – Wow, you’re totally Spider-man!  That’s even better.

Captain Stacy – So, how did you get in my daughter’s room again?

Peter – I climbed the fire escape.

Captain Stacy – How is this supposed to make me like you again?

Peter – Um.

Captain Stacy – And that’s what I thought.

Oscorp:
Peter – Dr. Conners!  Where are you?  Something alarming has happened involving a lizard thing!  [[sees the adorable mutated mouse]]  Oh, don’t tell me he did something stupid and injected himself with the experimental serum?  Of course.  But he would need this equipment.  So if he’s not here, where would a giant crazy lizard man go?

Sewers:
Conners – Now to work on my diabolical plan to turn the world into lizard people.  Which does not sound like the plot of X-men in any way!

[[The Lizard starts his murderous rampage through the city]]

City:
Peter – Captain Stacy!  The lizard thing is actually Curt Conners!  He’s going to use the equipment in the lab at Oscorp to turn the city into lizards!

Captain – Stop wasting my time and go home.

Peter (phone call) – Gwen!  Get out of the lab before you’re attacked.

Oscorp:
*glass smashes*

Gwen – Um…what’s your back-up plan?

Peter – Get the cure to the lizard mutation and get it to the cops so I can plug into the machine at the top of the building.

[[Gwen manages to follow those instructions]]

Gwen – Dad!  Dad!  I have to get this to Spider-man!  It’ll stop the Lizard!

Captain Stacy – No, you get in the car.  I’ll take care of this.

Spider-man – Dr. Conners!  Stop!  Turn this thing off!

[[Thus starts a fight in which Spider-man gets generally beat down until Captain Stacy shoots the Lizard and knocks him away]]

Captain Stacy – Here, Gwen said you’d need this.

Spider-man – So, I can explain…

Captain Stacy – Defeat monster first, then explain.

[[The beat down resumes with Captain Stacy taking a fatal wound while Spider-man manages to shove the cure into the machine before everyone turns into Lizard monsters although he is thrown nearly off the building]]

Conners – What have I done?  [[catches Peter before he falls to his death]] I’m really sorry, Peter.

Peter – Yeah, no problem. Could we switch arms here since that one is disappearing? [[he gets saved]] Captain Stacy, I’m so sorry.

Captain Stacy – If you keep up this, you’re going to make a lot of enemies who want to kill you.  Promise me you’ll stay away from my daughter so she doesn’t end up killed by one of your enemies.

Peter – Um, sure, since you’re dying and all.

Captain Stacy – Yeah, that’s sincere. [[dies]]

Parker Household:
Gwen – Peter, you didn’t even go to the funeral.  You jerk!

Peter – Um, I’m sorry.  You have to go.

Gwen – Oh, he made you promise to stay away from me.

Peter – Um, well, he was dying and all.

School:
Peter – But then again you are totally hot, so I’m going to totally ignore my promise to your dead father.

Gwen – That’s cool.  It’s totally hot dating a superhero and stuff.

Secret Ending:
Mysterious Figure – Mr. Osborn wants the serum.  Where is it?

Conners – Who are you supposed to be?

Mysterious Figure – I’m the villain for the sequel, duh.

Conners – Yes, I know that, but I can’t figure out who you’re supposed to be.  You don’t look like anyone, you’re totally cloaked in shadows, and I think maybe you’re Mysterio, or something?

Mysterious Figure – You got me. Frankly, this whole scene doesn’t make a lot of sense.

–fade out–

Fifteen-minute Movie: National Treasure

or, “Hey, isn’t this just The Goonies but with adults instead of kids?”

Flashback:
Grandpa Gates – So here’s the story about how the Knights Templar saved all the great treasures of the world and smuggled them to the New World, but called themselves Masons.  The Founding Fathers were Masons and they protected the treasure, but now all knowledge is lost except for a clue given to our ancestor.

Young Ben – That’s totally cool!

Patrick Gates – And total nonsense.  Don’t listen to your grandpa, son.  He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

Grandpa – Gee, thanks, son.

Young Ben – I believe Grandpa!

Arctic Circle:
Ben – Ok, so if I’m right, the ship called the Charlotte should be under the ice.

Riley – So we can get the heck out of here soon?

Ian – Sure, as long as we find that treasure.

Ben – Um, yeah, so let’s get into that ship!

–Ian’s crew manages to bust into the ship and Ben finds the remains of the captain with a pipe–

Ian – So, where’s the treasure then?

Ben – –Using the pipe to find a new clue– I never said the treasure was here.  I just said the secret was with Charlotte.

Ian – Excuse me?  You mean there’s no treasure here?  Two years of funding this expedition and there’s nothing to show for it?

Riley – There are skeletons.

Ben – The treasure is real.  Just give me a minute to figure out this clue.  –Engages in history and puzzle-solving–  Ok, so the map to the treasure is the Declaration of Independance.  Well, that really throws a wrench in the works.

Riley – Ya think?

Ian – Actually, I’m pretty sure I could arrange to have that stolen, if you’re sure it’s the map.

Ben – Wow, that’s hilarious…wait, you’re serious?  You can’t do that!  I mean, maybe you can, but I’m not going to do that.  And I really should have asked more questions about where you got your money.

Ian – Well, I guess I’m going to have to kill you now and steal the Declaration myself.

Riley – Wait, how are you going to decipher the map without a professional historian to help you if there are any more clues?

Ian – Um, I’ll figure out something. –proceeds to try to kill them but instead the ship gets blown up and Riley and Ben are safe–

Riley – We’re stuck in the middle of the Arctic Circle without vehicles or supplies.  Obviously this is some strange usage of the word ‘safe’ I was previously unaware of.

Ben – We’ll be fine.  We’re the heroes.

Washington, DC:
Ben – Ok, so we’re going to sound crazy, but we think someone’s going to steal the Declaration of Independance.

Abigail – That is crazy, but don’t worry, it can’t be done.

Riley – And that’s what everyone else has said that we talked to.

Abigail – Then I think we’re done here.

Washington, DC, later:
Ben – So we’ll just have to steal the Declaration.

Riley – The nice lady said it can’t be stolen.

Ben – I’m going to show you how it can be and we’ll do it tonight.

Riley – You are crazy and this cannot possibly work.

Washington, DC, later still:
Riley – So, I was wrong.  This is working surprisingly well as long as you don’t say anything that might tip off anyone to our plan.

Ben – I’m sorry, I was talking to Abigail here about traitors.

Riley – *facepalm* Oh, no that’s not suspicious at all.  Get down to the vault already.

–Ben does so while the film switches to Ian and Co., who have also chosen the same night to try to steal the DoI–

Ian – Hey!

Ben – Oh, hey, look at the time, gotta go! –cleverly uses the DoI’s bulletproof glass to avoid getting shot and escapes to the elevator–

Riley – Ben, tell me that wasn’t a gunshot.

Ben – That was two gunshots.  Ian’s here.

Riley – What a startling coincidence!

Ben – Get the damn car.

Abigail – Hey, alarms are going off.  I think that crazy Gates guy did something!  I’m going to find him!

Outside:
Riley – So, we’re free and clear, right?

Ben – Er, funny story.  I had to buy a fake DoI from the gift shop with my credit card so the FBI might learn I’m here.  Oh, also that appears to be Abigail running to the car to confront me about the theft.

Abigail – Give me that! –takes the DoI–

Riley – Wow, all that jail time we’re going to serve for nothing.

Ben – Relax.  I just gave her the fake.  Oh, but it looks like Ian doesn’t know she has the fake…  Ok, we have to go rescue her.

Riley – I’m pretty sure we don’t, actually… –Ben starts a wild car chase–  Or, fine, we can rescue her.  It’s not like she won’t be trouble or anything.  –they successfully rescue Abigail while Ian and Co. drive off–

Ian – –sees the fake DoI–  Can anyone explain to me why a crazy historian and some ex-cubicle dweller just did a better job of stealing a highly protected government document than my crew of highly trained and experienced thieves?  Anyone???

Co. – Well, you tell us why you, who is clearly practiced at high-stakes larceny, are willing to risk the notice of every intelligence agency in the US in order to go after some crazy hidden treasure that probably doesn’t even exist and that you probably don’t even need due to the aforementioned high-stakes larceny?

Ian – …Fine, fine, let’s just keep this movie rolling along.

Ben’s Father’s House:
Abigail – Ok, so you’re still crazy, but once I prove to you there’s no map, I’m assuming you’ll give me this highly valuable document to return and we’ll never speak of this again.

Ben – Fine.  Deal.  Except here’s the map in invisible ink!

Abigail – That’s unbelievable.

Riley – Seriously, but you’re way too far into the movie now to worry about believability.

Patrick – Hey, what are you guys working on?  –picks up the DoI–  AAAGGH!!  Ben, tell me this is not what I think it is.

Ben – Ok, I won’t tell you.  But there are more clues.

Patrick – And prison!

Ben – Just give me the Benjamin Franklin letters and I’ll get out of here.

Patrick – Um, I gave them away.

Riley – Yeah, this is going well…

Later:
FBI – So, Mr. Gates, please tell us what you know.

Patrick – My son is crazy and stole my car.

Philadelphia:
–Riley is smart enough to pay a kid to help him figure out the next set of clues while Ben lays low; however, Ian, despite his lack of US history knowledge, is savvy enough to figure out where to be and happens to figure out what the kid is doing; fortunately Riley escapes but Ian gets the next clue anyway–

Philadelphia, Store that in No Way Paid for Product Placement:
Riley – Hey guys I got the clue!

Ben – This clearly refers to a time on a hundred dollar bill, which we just missed.  Of course, that’s assuming we’re looking for the clue at the same time of year this clock time was chosen for the money.

Riley – Yeah, and even more unbelievable than that, I know something you don’t know about history!

Ben – That is unbelieveable!

Philadelphia, Independence Hall:
Riley – So all the clues lead us to the roof of an old building.  I’m sure there’s treasure here.

Ben – No treasure here, but there are magic glasses that allow me to see holographic images on the back of the DoI.

Abigail – Sure, Ben Franklin invented bifocals so why the heck not?

Riley – Um, Ian’s found us…

–They give a merry chase through Philly which ends up with Abigail and Riley losing the DoI to Ian and Ben getting arrested by the FBI–

FBI:
Agent Sadusky – So where’s DoI?

Ben – It was stolen.

Sadusky – Yeah, you stole it.

Ben – No, a guy named Ian stole it from me.  I stole it from the Archives so Ian couldn’t steal it.

Sadusky – Uh huh.

Ben – I am so going to prison, aren’t I?

Sadusky – Yeppers.

Ben – Too bad.  I just realized the next clue by you fidgeting with those antique glasses. –his cell phone starts ringing and Sadusky indicates he can answer it–  So, what’s up?

Ian – Your girlfriend asked me to bust you out.  In retrospect, I’m not sure why I gave you a legitimate phone number to contact me at.  Anyway, do exactly what I say.

Sadusky – Hey, two thieves for the price of one.

–of course, Ian’s near infinite resources allow him to help Ben escape the custody of the FBI and rejoin Abigail and Riley–

Ben – Well, it was nice of you to spring me, but I’m not working with you anymore.

Ian – I kidnapped your dad.

Ben – Ok, so these glasses allow me to see a hologram on the back of the DoI and we need to go bust in that historical church there.

Historical Church:
–They bust through a grave to find a secret passage and despite having access to flashlights (presumably they could have picked some up at some point, they choose to use the ancient wooden torches that still light up)–

Riley – Oh good, a rickety wooden staircase of doom. –one of Ian’s Co. falls through the rotten wood and into the darkness–  Yeah, see, that’s what I’m talking about.

–Despite one death and the near death of Ben and Abigail and the almost loss of the DoI, they all make it to a stone chamber that’s absolutely empty–

Ian – So where’s the treasure?

Ben – Um, it should be here.

Ian – Seriously, where’s the treasure?

Ben – It’s not here!

Ian – I will kill you if you don’t tell me where the treasure is.

Riley – I don’t see how killing us helps you find the treasure.

Patrick – Fine, fine, the next clue is Boston.  Two if by land, one if by sea, so you go to the lighthouse in Boston.

Ian – Sounds good.  It’s clear I won’t need you for any more clue-finding, so I’ll just leave you here to die. –leaves–

Riley – I don’t see how leaving us to die helps you find the treasure you jerk!

Ben – Well, that was a fake clue, so you think there may actually be treasure here, Dad?

Patrick – I don’t know, but lying was better than him shooting us.

Riley – True.

Ben – Well, luckily I still have this pipe and a really straightforward clue that leads me to… –finds another secret door that leads to another empty room but then leads to another secret door that actually leads…– the treasure!

Riley – Is it a good idea to use these oil troughs to burn away what might be the last of our oxygen and potentially set these valuable antiques on fire just so you can see everything illuminated in a dramatic fashion?

Ben – Totally. –lights up the room–  That is a lot of history.

Abigail – Yes, to denote how important and historical this is, I’m going to identify scrolls from the library of Alexandria without even opening one up to verify it.

Patrick – Well, son, I guess you were right after all.

Riley – It’s so beautiful.

Ben – Oh, which part of the treasure specifically?

Riley – Treasure nothing.  I can see a way out!

–They escape the treasure vault to run right back into the FBI–

Ben – So, we’re back with the wanting to avoid prison thing.

Sadusky – Yeah.  But since it turns out I’m a Mason, I’ll hear you out.  What’s your deal?

Ben – We’re cleared of all charges and if you hurry you can catch Ian in Boston.

Sadusky – Good deal.

–Ian is captured, and they all live happily ever after–

Ben – Yep, I get the girl and a house owned by Thomas Jefferson.

Riley – I get a car.  I’m okay with that considering I’m pretty sure I didn’t even get a last name in this movie.

-fade out-