100 posts! Thanks for reading! On with the show –
or, “They pulled the hat and jacket out of the Smithsonian for this? Why???”
New Mexico Desert, 1950s:
Krazy Kids – Man, I love driving around in the middle of nowhere looking for random people to drag race. Hey, there’s a military vehicle! I’m sure they’d love to drag race.
Driver – It doesn’t make any sense, especially when you get the context, but what the hell? Let’s do it!
[[they drag race for no good reason and the military vehicle ends up at a remote military base]]
Sergeant – You aren’t on the list. You aren’t rogue foreign agents trying to break into this top secret base or anything are you?
Driver – Um, of course not. Just let me get my paperwork…Kill them! [[the rogue foreign agents open fire and soon the guards are dead and they are parking in front of a giant warehouse; a ton of armed soldiers surround one of the cars]]
Guard 1 – Do we really need two dozen guys with guns for this one prisoner?
Guard 2 – I only hope we’ve got enough guys. You’ll see.
[[Michale pops out]]
Guard 1 – Yeah, like I’m worried about that guy.
Guard 2 – That’s not the guy.
[[Indy drags himself out of the car]]
Guard 1 – Whoa, who’s the old dude?
Guard 2 – That’s the guy! That’s the reason there are so many of us and guns!
Guard 1 – Seriously? He’s got great fashion sense and all but he’s clearly old and washed up.
Indy – Yeah, you just wait and see how this turns out.
Irina – Find me the box.
Indy – Okay, so I’ve progressed from Nazis to KGB. Clearly there is no shortage of easily-demonizable bad guys. Anyway, the box is magnetic so it’s easy to find. The box also appears to affect different metal objects differently, but whatever.
Irina – [[opens the box and appears to find a misshapen dead body]] This is the plot? This is where Spielberg and Lucas really want to go? Alright, I guess.
Indy – You realize I’m not just going to let you take that box, right?
Irina – Da. That’s why we have the guns.
Guard 1 – Feh. What is an old dude like you going to do?
Indy – Be more awesome than you can possibly imagine. [[Indy manages to escape the KGB agents despite them being younger, with guns, and vehicles, and with a nice nod to “Raiders” but the whole awesome action scene comes to a screeching halt about this point…]] What the hell? A fully furnished house the in middle of the desert with human dummies? And is that a warning siren? Am I actually at a nuclear testing range?! [[Yes, Indy, you are; he hides in the lead-lined refrigerator and despite the radiation, high heat generated by a nuclear explosion, and nearly getting launched into orbit, he survives without so much as a scratch]] Even by my standards, this is pretty unbelieveable.
FBI Agent 1 – Why did you let the KGB escape with the box?
Indy – Excuse me? Did you miss the part about the kidnapping and guns and death-defying escape I had to pull off just to be here right now?
FBI Agent 1 – Clearly I am a jerk and a moron. You obviously had motive to help them. You were on the team that examined the remains of the 1947 Roswell crash…
FBI Agent 2 – Wait, what? Is that really where Spielberg and Lucas want to take this movie?
Indy – Listen, you jerks, my buddy Michale is either dead or still being held hostage by the KGB, I had to sign a non-disclosure form about the stupid box, I didn’t help those KGB agents escape, and you’d better let me go before I get even more grouchy.
Indy – Wow, being a cranky old man has its uses.
Greaser Kid – Hey, old guy. I need your help to find my mom.
Indy – Who the hell are you?
Mutt – Mutt Williams. My mom’s name is Mary Williams.
Indy – Listen, kid, I’ve slept with a lot of women. Like a LOT of women. That name doesn’t sound familiar.
Mutt – Dude, you’re talking about my Mom!
Indy – Right, I guess that was a little insensitive. Anyway, I don’t know your mother so why should I help you find her?
Mutt – She’s friends with a professor named Oxley and he’s disappeared too somewhere in South America. I have a helpful clue.
Indy – Oh, I know that name. Well, I guess I can help you out. Also, I appear to be attracting the attention of men in black, which is either the FBI or KGB, so no good.
Mutt – I have a knife!
Indy – And they have guns. Never, ever bring a knife to a gun fight.
Mutt – Okay, well, I have a motorcycle.
Indy – Right, so we’re one convenient distraction away from escaping. [[gets the men in black caught in a gang fight in the restaurant so Indy and Mutt escape on his motorcycle]]
Mutt – I appear to be in the middle of an exciting car chase. This has never happened to me before!
Indy – And I’ve been in more than I can count. Move it!
South America, Lost City:
Mutt – So we’re looking for one of thirteen lost legendary crystal skulls that Oxley found and then hid? Won’t this be hard to find and involve lots of puzzle-solving and surviving death-traps?
Indy – Or the skull could just be poorly hidden underneath this body. That was really, really easy. I’m really not sure what to do now. Usually this involves more snakes and Nazis.
Irina – Let us provide you with some conflict!
Indy – How the hell did you find us?
Michale – That would be me. I betrayed you, but you’re not going to hold that against me, right?
Indy – Not. At. All.
South America, KGB Camp:
Indy – Oxley! What the hell happened to you?
Oxley – Banana watermelon wot wot all hey nonni nonni ooooga booga. Hahahahahaha!!!
Indy – Fiends! What did you do to him? He’s a much better actor than that!
Irina – We made your friend Oxley stare into the skull so the skull would telepathically tell him where to find the lost city and the other skulls. It drove him crazy instead and now he’s a nonsense-spewing idiot. However, we’re confident if we could translate the gibberish, he would tell us where to find the other skulls.
Irina – You should. So we’re going to make you stare at the skull and hope you go just crazy enough to understand Oxley but not so crazy you can’t tell us where to go.
Indy – No, not about potentially going crazy. I’ve got a bad feeling about where this movie is going. I really hope it’s not where I think.
Irina – Just stare at the pretty lights. [[turns on machine and Indy squirms and finally she shuts it off]] Right, how’s your sanity?
Indy – Better than yours, lady. Why do you want these skulls anyway?
Irina – To have all the knowledge in the world!
Indy – And you don’t think this might backfire on you horribly?
Irina – Nyet. Why?
Indy – Years of experience. Anyway, I’m not leading you to the city and you can’t make me.
Irina – How about if we have a convenient hostage? We’ve got Oxley and this greasy kid.
Mutt – Greaser, lady.
Oxley – Macaroni subpar walnut bowling zombies! <don’t take=”” us=”” to=”” the=”” city! =”” spare=”” audience=”” big=”” reveal!=””>
Indy – Yeah, well, why don’t you stare at the skull for a while?
Irina – I’ve also got her!
Marian – Hey, take your hands off of me.
Indy – Marian!
Marian – Oh, I’m so happy to see you! [[runs and hugs Mutt much to the chagrin and disappointment of Indy]] Well, well, Indiana Jones. You and me kidnapped at the hands of facists. Just like old times, huh?
Indy – Well, you didn’t have a kid then! When did you get married and have a kid?
Marian – After you left me at the altar!
Indy – Oh, right. That. I can explain.
Irina – Enough of your petty humorous bickering which in no way foreshadows an eventual reconciliation. Jones, you help me or I start killing off your friends.
Indy – Fine. But I have to be the one to return the skull to its rightful place because it telepathically told me to.
Irina – Are you sure we didn’t make you a little too crazy?
South America, KGB camp, later:
Indy – Right, let’s bust out of here. [[the escape attempt goes pretty well until Indy and Marian are caught in quicksand and crazy Oxley is sent to get help]] Right, in case we die, you should know I’m really sorry about leaving you at the altar.
Marian – In case we die, you should know Mutt’s real name is Henry Jones III.
Indy – That’s funny because my name is Henry Jones Jr… That’s my kid?! That’s our kid?? The greaser is our kid? The rebel without a clue is our kid!?
Marian – Yeah, I know. I thought he’d either be totally bad-ass like us or a quiet and scholarly bad-ass like our fathers. He didn’t even stay in school.
Mutt – Hey, I can be bad-ass! I ride a motorcycle and everything! Look, I’m going to rescue both of you! [[does so, but of course they all end up captured again]]
Indy – Right, my fault for sending the crazy guy to get help.
South America, On the Road:
Indy – Right, time for another escape attempt and maybe I’ll get to punch Michale’s face for this. [[cue new escape attempt]]
Michale – Damn it, Indy, I’m a double-agent. How else could I keep an eye on them?
Indy – Oh, okay. No problem then. I’ll completely forgive you.
[[the escape attempt involves scary driving through forests, some ants that are persistent to the point of ridiculous, and about 30 seconds worth of watching Mutt endure nut shots]]
Mutt – Because nothing says “bad-ass” like nut shots. Way to go, Spielberg.
[[eventually Indy, Oxley, Marian, and Mutt escape the clutches of the KGB and start making their own way to the lost city]]
South America, Different Lost City:
Indy – Okay everyone, be careful, since I’m pretty sure this place will involve lots of death-traps and some puzzle-solving.
Marian – And we should bring along crazy Oxley why? Won’t he get hurt?
Indy – Maybe, but if we leave him behind he’ll definitely get hurt.
Oxley – Lightsaber TIE fighter astrodroid THX. <Aliens!! Aliens!!>
Indy – Whoa, maybe I did get too much of the crazy. There is no way you just said what I think you said. That would just be stupid and ridiculous. Also, and this is very important, DO NOT get captured.
[[they manage to do a little puzzle-solving involving sand and escape some death-traps to get to the secret room with thirteen crystal skeletons and one is clearly missing a head]]
Oxley – Balsamic oxymoron awooga bran flakes. <Too late. All is lost. No refunds, people.><see, they’re=”” clearly=”” aliens! =”” aliens=”” from=”” another=”” dimension!=””>
Indy – Right, right, look, I’ll put the skull back and we can all just go home.
Irina – Or I can show up and spoil everything! Give me that skull!
Indy – Damn it! How hard is it to not get captured? Anyway, here’s the skull, but you’re going to regret it. Everyone, please join me in subtly distancing ourselves from what is sure to be something very very bad.
Irina – [[she sets the skull back into place and all the crystal skeletons start moving and then merge into one silver, alien being]] I want to know everything!
Alien – <<Ok, first thing is that we’re really mad you didn’t let the guy we ask to put the skull back actually put the skull back. Also, cue the earthquake.>>
[[the whole city starts shaking and a spinning vortex of doom opens up in the room and starts sucking everything inside]]
Michale – Leave me. It turns out I really was working for the KGB but I feel so guilty I’ll just die here and let you escape.
Indy – Okey-dokey!
[[Indy and Co. manage to escape while Irina and Co. are destroyed; Irina herself appears to implode from the psychic energies and finally the whole darn city turns into a freakin’ spaceship and warps away through the dimensional vortex]]
Indy – Alien conspiracy theories? Really? Argh!
Oxley – I tried to warn you, but it’s too late now.
Indy – Okay, so the adventure wasn’t awesome, but at least I got the girl.
Marian – Yeah, I’ll agree with that.
Mutt – And I’m ready to be the next Indiana Jones!
Indy/Marian – No you aren’t!
Marian – Either go back to school…
Indy – Or actually become a bad-ass instead of some clueless punk kid. Then I’ll think about possibly in the far future turning the hat over to you.
Mutt – Aw, man.