or, “Never trust a monkey”
or, “Nazis and cube-shaped objects of divine power don’t mix”
South American jungle, 1936:
Lackey 1 – I have a bad feeling about this.
Lackey 2 – You can’t say that, even if this was produced by George Lucas. That’s for “Star Wars.”
Lackey 1 – Yeah, but we’re in the middle of nowhere, going to look for a lost treasure in a temple no one has ever returned from and we’re being chased by hostile natives with poisoned arrows.
Lackey 2 – We’ll be fine. Oh, and it’s time to kill that guy in the fedora. [[pulls a gun but is thwarted when Indy disarms him with a whip]] Oh, hey, and it’s time to escape into the forest. [[runs off]]
Indiana Jones – Well, come on, unless you’re going to betray me too.
Lackey 1 – What? No, not me. Lead on.
Indy – Ok, well stick close to me or you’ll likely to get killed by the ancient booby traps. Oh, hey, and there’s the body of my colleague who never made it back. [[Indy navigates the booby traps successfully and takes the golden idol]] Booyah! [[and then the trap springs]] Oh, &#$%! Run run run!
Lackey 1 – You don’t have to tell me twice!
[[Indy ends up trapped on the wrong side of a pit]]
Lackey 1 – Throw me the idol and I’ll give you the whip so you can swing across.
Indy – That sounds like a bad idea, but I don’t I have a choice. [[tosses idol]]
Lackey 1 – See ya, sucker! [[runs off]]
Indy – Damn it! I have got to do background checks first! [[jumps pit and manages to retrieve his whip before getting trapped; finds the spiked body of Lackey 1 and retrieves idol]] I told you to stick close to me. Sucker. Wait, what’s that rolling sound? [[escapes giant rolling boulder only to be accosted by natives; Lackey 2’s body collapses in front of him]]
Belloq – Thanks for doing the hard work for me, Dr. Jones. Now give me the idol or I let the natives shoot you.
Indy – Aren’t you going to do that anyway? [[hands over idol]]
Belloq – After I take a moment to scare them with their own idol [[does so]]
Indy – Hey, a useful distraction! [[runs away]]
Belloq – Get him!
[[after a mad dash from mad natives, Indy manages to escape on a waiting sea plane]]
University:
Indy – Hey, Brody, ever notice how many women are in my class, especially in this time period? I must be a great teacher.
Brody – Riiiight. There are some government men to see you.
Gov’t Man 1 – Hitler is going around the world looking for occult artifacts.
Gov’t Man 2 – Do you know of an Abner Ravenwood? He went missing a few months ago.
Indy – Sure. Abner and I had a, erm, falling out, but he was looking for the Ark of the Covenant.
Gov’t Man 1 – Oh, so does this classified cable he sent us mean anything to you?
Indy – He thinks he found the Ark, or at least the map room to the Ark. There’s a couple of more pieces to the puzzle, but I can figure that out no problem.
Gov’t Man 2 – So Hitler thinks he can use the power of the Ark?
Indy – Well, sure, if you believe in that sort of thing, which I totally don’t.
Indy’s House, Later:
Brody – The government is funding your trip to find the Ark.
Indy – That’s great! This will be the most important archeological find of the modern era!
Brody – But what if the Ark can really lay waste to cities and all that?
Indy – Pffft. What are the odds all that religion stuff is real? It’s just another artifact.
Nepal, Dive Bar:
[[We are introduced to Marian Ravenwood by witnessing her drink a much larger person under the table; clearly she can hold her liquor]]
Indy – Hello, Marian. Long time no see.
Marian – [[punches him]] You jerk! You totally took advantage of me when I was a student and you were working with my father.
Indy – Um, that’s not important right now. How is Abner anyway?
Marian – Dead. Thanks for asking.
Indy – Look, can I just have the headpiece?
Marian – Go to hell.
Indy – I’ll pay you for it.
Marian – Then come back tomorrow.
[[Indy leaves, and soon a bunch of Nazis enter]]
Creepy Nazi – We’d like the headpiece.
Marian – Yeah, I don’t have it, but I can get it to you.
Creepy Nazi – Or we’ll torture the information out of you.
Marian – Um, no?
Indy – I’ll save you!
[[thus starts a bar room brawl with the Nazis that results in the bar going up in flames and Creepy Nazi getting scarred with crucial information]]
Indy – So can I have the thing?
Marian – You destroyed my bar and those guys tried to kill me! I’m going with you!
Egypt, Sallah’s Place:
Sallah – They’ve found the map room and are starting to dig for the Ark.
Indy – How did they do that without the headpiece? Well, hell, can you get someone to look at this just in case they missed something?
Sallah – Sure.
Marian – Look, a random friendly monkey.
Egypt, Bazaar:
Indy – I’m sure it’s perfectly safe for us to travel out in the open in a city where there are people who are trying to kill me and probably you as well.
Marian – Hey, the monkey ran off. Weird.
[[The monkey reports to a man in an eye-patch who is clearly bad news who then reports to Nazis who then send out thugs]]
Thugs – Get the guy in the fedora! [[thus starts a street fight which is apparently great entertainment to those not in it]]
Indy – How did they find us? Marian, get someplace safe!
Marian – I can fight too!
Indy – They’re not trying to kill you! Probably!
[[manages to separate from Marian, although this does not make her any safer and while she does an admirable job of defending herself, ends up hiding]]
Nazi – Which way did she go?
Monkey – Screeechh scree-screeech! <hey, big=”” apes,=”” she’s=”” in=”” this=”” basket=”” here!=””>
Marian – Who’s side are you on, monkey? [[and she ends up captured while Indy has his own problems]]
Sword-wielding Thug – Look how awesome I am! I am totally going to kill you!
Indy – I have no time for this. [[shoots him dead]] Never bring a knife to a gun fight, moron.
Marian – Indyyyyyy!!!!
Indy – Rats! [[goes to rescue Marian but it turns out to be really hard]]
Nazis – Quick, let’s everyone load up on the explosives truck! I’m sure that’s a good idea!
[[Indy shoots the truck which tips over and explodes as heavily-armed trucks tend to do]]
Egypt, Bar:
Indy – Marian’s dead. Life sucks.
Monkey – Scree <I liked her too, even if I betrayed her; but I’m just a monkey; it’s not like I have any way of knowing my master is working for Nazis>
Nazis – Come with us.
Indy – Whatever. I’m so drunk I can barely stand and I hate the world right now.
Belloq – Wow, you look terrible.
Indy – And I really hate you right now.
Belloq – I really don’t want to kill you when you’re drunk like this, but I can’t have you trying to stop me from getting the Ark.
Indy – Then I’m at least going to punch your smug face in! [[everyone in the bar pulls a gun on him but a pack of children come to his rescue]]
Belloq – Saved by kids? Really? That’s sad and low.
Indy – Hey, it wasn’t my idea.
Bar patrons – So, you’re not expecting us to give these guns back, right?
Egypt, Sallah’s Place Again:
Sallah – Come on, sober up. We still have work to do.
[[the man with the eye-patch poisons the dates while no one is looking]]
Old man – Hey, I figured something out! If you don’t have both sides of this headpiece, the staff won’t be the right height and won’t shine on the right place on the floor.
Indy – So they’re digging in the wrong place! We can still get the Ark! This almost makes up for Marian getting killed!
Sallah – [[prevents Indy from eating a date]] Look, the monkey’s dead from eating the dates. You’d better be more careful. Also, if you go out again, you’re dressing like a native.
Tanis, Map Room:
Indy – Note all the careful archeology I’m doing to find the right place on the floor even though I’m totally ignoring the fact that the season probably has a lot to do with where the sun shines in this building. But I’m sure this will totally work. [[it totally does]] Ok, Sallah, let’s go.
Nazis – Hey, guys in native garb. Clearly you are workers and you need to get back to work. Move it!
[[they do so and Indy stumbles into a random tent]]
Indy – Marian! You’re not dead!
Marian – Mffffhththth!!
Indy – But I can’t rescue you or they’ll send out search parties. I’m sorry. I hope you’ll be safer here than with me right now.
Marian – Muah??? Mffhathh #^$& ffffphhthh!!!
[[Indy leaves Marian and heads back with Sallah to get ready to dig in the right room for the Ark]]
Tanis, Tent:
[[Belloq unties Marian and gives her some food]]
Marian – About damn time!
Belloq – So, let’s talk about Dr. Jones.
Marian – He’s a jerk and I hope he drops dead.
Belloq – Wow, well, that’s enlightening but not exactly the information I want. Also, I want you to wear this dress I just happened to have in your size.
Marian – And that’s not creepy at all. But sure, I’ll wear the dress for you. And I’ll get drunk with you.
Tanis, the Well of Souls:
[[Indy’s diggers start work and around sundown he decides he doesn’t need that native garb after all]]
Sallah – So, don’t you think that storm’s a bit omnious?
Indy – Pffft. If you believe in that stuff. Hey, the entrance. Whoa, is the floor covered in snakes? Because I hate snakes.
Sallah – Yeah, that is a lot of snakes. You go first.
Indy – Gee, thanks…
Tanis, Tent:
Marian – Well, I think you’re drunk enough to make my escape attempt. Laters!
Creepy Nazi – Going somewhere?
Marian – Yeah, right behind Belloq here.
[[in the meantime, Indy and Sallah find and extract the Ark and might have gotten away with it if Belloq wasn’t paying attention that morning; sadly, he was]]
Tanis, Well of Souls:
Indy – Sallah, why did you drop the rope?
Belloq – Hey, thanks for doing all the hard work for me. I’ll be taking the Ark now.
Indy – If this wasn’t a PG movie…
Nazi Lt. – And take her too. She’s nothing but trouble. [[has Marian tossed into the Well]]
Belloq – Hey! Oh, well, thems the breaks. Laters! [[they close up the Well]]
Marian – Ahhh!! There are snakes everywhere and we’re trapped!
Indy – I’m sure I can figure a way out. It may involve destroying this priceless archeological find though.
Marian – Oh, like that’s mattered to you before.
Indy – Right. [[destroys a priceless statue to bust though a wall which does lead to a way out]] Boy, I’m glad these huge stone blocks weigh so little I can just push them right out. Oh, no, they’re going to load the Ark up and fly to Hitler. Well, let’s make sure that doesn’t happen!
[[Indy distracts the pilot and fights a very large man while Marian knocks out the pilot but ends up trapped in the cockpit]]
Nazi Lt. – Stop pining over the woman. She was trouble.
Belloq – Whatever. Shouldn’t we be on our way now? Something could happen.
Nazi Lt. – What could possibly be happening?
[[cue explosion over by the plane]]
Nazi Lt. – Well, go check it out you idiots!
Marian – [[shoots a truck full of Nazis]] Oh, is that jet fuel? Are you kidding me? Indy!
Indy – Jet fuel? Can’t I get a break? [[large man dies horribly on the plane propellor]] Ok, that’ll do. [[manages to break Marian out and they run while the plane explodes]]
Belloq – I see death, destruction, and fire. Clearly Indiana Jones is not dead. Let’s load this thing on a truck and get out of here!
Sallah – I’m so glad you both aren’t dead. Now what?
Indy – Take Marian back to the city and get us passage back to the US. I don’t care how. I’ll get the Ark back.
Sallah – How?
Indy – I’ll improvise. First, I’ll need a horse.
[[Indy manages to ride up to the convoy, not get shot, and systematically take out all the Nazis, car-jack the truck with the Ark and run the lead car with Belloq right off the road]]
Belloq – What the hell was that? He was one guy and he wasn’t even armed! I thought you were highly trained soldiers! Idiots! I’m surrounded by idiots!
Open Seas:
Indy – Well, I guess an African pirate ship is better than nothing. Hey, they gave you a new dress.
Marian – Yeah, and I’m not going to ask why these guys had it on-hand. Wow, you look terrible like you were dragged behind a car or something.
Indy – There’s a good reason for that.
Marian – So it turns out I’ve forgiven you for ruining my life.
Indy – Oh, good. So what does that mean?
Marian – A PG cut scene.
Indy – Sweet!
Open Seas, the Next Morning:
Indy – Why has the boat stopped?
Captain – Because a Nazi submarine is threatening to attack us. Go hide. I’ll try to get rid of them.
[[it doesn’t work and they kidnap Marian again; Indy sneaks on board the sub, which, we presume, does not actually dive before it gets where its going]]
Unpopulated Island:
Nazi Lt. – Why are we opening the Ark here and not in Berlin?
Belloq – Well, if you want to open this thing up in front of your Fuhrer and find out then that there’s nothing in it, then be my guest.
Nazi Lt. – When you put it that way, opening on this rock in the middle of the ocean seems like a better idea.
Belloq – Yep. And it’s sort of implied since I believe in this stuff, if it all goes wrong, better for it to go wrong on an unpopulated island than Berlin.
Marian – Look, can I just go home? You’ve got your Ark so what the hell do you want me for?
Belloq – You’re spunky and I like you.
Marian – Honestly…
Indy – If you don’t turn over Marian, I’ll blow up the Ark.
Nazi Lt. – Turn over the woman!
Belloq – He won’t blow it up. Go, on, blow it up!
Nazi Lt. – Dude, just give him the chick already!
Belloq – No! I can’t let him win anything ever. Come on, I’m calling you bluff!
Indy – Rats. Fine, I won’t blow it up.
Belloq – See. Now take them both prisoner while we open the Ark.
[[Marian and Indy are tied to a stake somewhat out of the way while Belloq dons his Sunday best and they open the Ark]]
Nazi Lt. – All I see is sand.
Belloq – God damn it! Wait, wait, something’s happening! [[various spirits and energy start flying out of the Ark]]
Indy – Marian, close your eyes. Don’t look at anything.
Marian – I thought you didn’t believe in this stuff.
Indy – Yeah, well, maybe I was wrong. Close your eyes!
Marian – Sure, but how is that going to help?
Indy – I think that’s explained in a scene that got cut. Just trust me!
Marian – Yeah, because that’s worked so well.
Indy – Marian!
Marian – Fine, fine, my eyes are closed.
Belloq – Awesome! I’m talking to God! And apparently forgotten that in all the stories that’s not necessarily a good thing!
[[Then everything goes predictably wrong when people try to abuse the power of God and thus starts the smiting and screaming and melting horrors]]
Indy – Don’t look!
Marian – AAAAHHH!!!
[[Once all the Nazis are dead, the can of holy whoop-ass closes of its own accord and the two heroes are left to figure out how to get off of an unpopulated island]]
University:
Indy – Where is the Ark?
Gov’t Man 1 – It’s safe. We have top men looking into it.
Indy – It’s the real thing! It can’t be safe!
Gov’t Man 1 – It’s safe.
Marian – So, what happened?
Indy – They’re idiots. They don’t know what they’re dealing with or how to handle it.
Marian – Darn it. Well, I can buy you a drink.
Indy – That sounds just fine right now.
Remote Government Facility:
[[The Ark is put into a wooden crate with generic numbers and files it away among thousands of nearly identical crates proving sometimes the government does know what it’s doing]]
-fade out-
A Writer's Hail Mary Pass 