Fifteen-minute Movie: Raiders of the Lost Ark

or, “Never trust a monkey”
or, “Nazis and cube-shaped objects of divine power don’t mix

South American jungle, 1936:
Lackey 1 – I have a bad feeling about this.

Lackey 2 – You can’t say that, even if this was produced by George Lucas.  That’s for “Star Wars.”

Lackey 1 – Yeah, but we’re in the middle of nowhere, going to look for a lost treasure in a temple no one has ever returned from and we’re being chased by hostile natives with poisoned arrows.

Lackey 2 – We’ll be fine.  Oh, and it’s time to kill that guy in the fedora. [[pulls a gun but is thwarted when Indy disarms him with a whip]]  Oh, hey, and it’s time to escape into the forest.  [[runs off]]

Indiana Jones – Well, come on, unless you’re going to betray me too.

Lackey 1 – What?  No, not me.  Lead on.

Indy – Ok, well stick close to me or you’ll likely to get killed by the ancient booby traps.  Oh, hey, and there’s the body of my colleague who never made it back. [[Indy navigates the booby traps successfully and takes the golden idol]] Booyah! [[and then the trap springs]]  Oh, &#$%!  Run run run!

Lackey 1 – You don’t have to tell me twice!

[[Indy ends up trapped on the wrong side of a pit]]

Lackey 1 – Throw me the idol and I’ll give you the whip so you can swing across.

Indy – That sounds like a bad idea, but I don’t I have a choice. [[tosses idol]]

Lackey 1 – See ya, sucker! [[runs off]]

Indy – Damn it!  I have got to do background checks first! [[jumps pit and manages to retrieve his whip before getting trapped; finds the spiked body of Lackey 1 and retrieves idol]] I told you to stick close to me.  Sucker.  Wait, what’s that rolling sound?  [[escapes giant rolling boulder only to be accosted by natives; Lackey 2’s body collapses in front of him]]

Belloq – Thanks for doing the hard work for me, Dr. Jones.  Now give me the idol or I let the natives shoot you.

Indy – Aren’t you going to do that anyway? [[hands over idol]]

Belloq – After I take a moment to scare them with their own idol [[does so]]

Indy – Hey, a useful distraction! [[runs away]]

Belloq – Get him!

[[after a mad dash from mad natives, Indy manages to escape on a waiting sea plane]]

Indy – Hey, Brody, ever notice how many women are in my class, especially in this time period?  I must be a great teacher.

Brody – Riiiight.  There are some government men to see you.

Gov’t Man 1 – Hitler is going around the world looking for occult artifacts.

Gov’t Man 2 – Do you know of an Abner Ravenwood?  He went missing a few months ago.

Indy – Sure.  Abner and I had a, erm, falling out, but he was looking for the Ark of the Covenant.

Gov’t Man 1 – Oh, so does this classified cable he sent us mean anything to you?

Indy – He thinks he found the Ark, or at least the map room to the Ark.  There’s a couple of more pieces to the puzzle, but I can figure that out no problem.

Gov’t Man 2 – So Hitler thinks he can use the power of the Ark?

Indy – Well, sure, if you believe in that sort of thing, which I totally don’t.

Indy’s House, Later:
Brody – The government is funding your trip to find the Ark.

Indy – That’s great!  This will be the most important archeological find of the modern era!

Brody – But what if the Ark can really lay waste to cities and all that?

Indy – Pffft.  What are the odds all that religion stuff is real?  It’s just another artifact.

Nepal, Dive Bar:
[[We are introduced to Marian Ravenwood by witnessing her drink a much larger person under the table; clearly she can hold her liquor]]

Indy – Hello, Marian.  Long time no see.

Marian – [[punches him]] You jerk!  You totally took advantage of me when I was a student and you were working with my father.

Indy – Um, that’s not important right now.  How is Abner anyway?

Marian – Dead.  Thanks for asking.

Indy – Look, can I just have the headpiece?

Marian – Go to hell.

Indy – I’ll pay you for it.

Marian – Then come back tomorrow.

[[Indy leaves, and soon a bunch of Nazis enter]]

Creepy Nazi – We’d like the headpiece.

Marian – Yeah, I don’t have it, but I can get it to you.

Creepy Nazi – Or we’ll torture the information out of you.

Marian – Um, no?

Indy – I’ll save you!

[[thus starts a bar room brawl with the Nazis that results in the bar going up in flames and Creepy Nazi getting scarred with crucial information]]

Indy – So can I have the thing?

Marian – You destroyed my bar and those guys tried to kill me!  I’m going with you!

Egypt, Sallah’s Place:
Sallah – They’ve found the map room and are starting to dig for the Ark.

Indy – How did they do that without the headpiece?  Well, hell, can you get someone to look at this just in case they missed something?

Sallah – Sure.

Marian – Look, a random friendly monkey.

Egypt, Bazaar:
Indy – I’m sure it’s perfectly safe for us to travel out in the open in a city where there are people who are trying to kill me and probably you as well.

Marian – Hey, the monkey ran off.  Weird.

[[The monkey reports to a man in an eye-patch who is clearly bad news who then reports to Nazis who then send out thugs]]

Thugs – Get the guy in the fedora! [[thus starts a street fight which is apparently great entertainment to those not in it]]

Indy – How did they find us?  Marian, get someplace safe!

Marian – I can fight too!

Indy – They’re not trying to kill you!  Probably!

[[manages to separate from Marian, although this does not make her any safer and while she does an admirable job of defending herself, ends up hiding]]

Nazi – Which way did she go?

Monkey – Screeechh scree-screeech! <hey, big=”” apes,=”” she’s=”” in=”” this=”” basket=”” here!=””>

Marian – Who’s side are you on, monkey? [[and she ends up captured while Indy has his own problems]]

Sword-wielding Thug – Look how awesome I am!  I am totally going to kill you!

Indy – I have no time for this. [[shoots him dead]]  Never bring a knife to a gun fight, moron.

Marian – Indyyyyyy!!!!

Indy – Rats! [[goes to rescue Marian but it turns out to be really hard]]

Nazis – Quick, let’s everyone load up on the explosives truck!  I’m sure that’s a good idea!

[[Indy shoots the truck which tips over and explodes as heavily-armed trucks tend to do]]

Egypt, Bar:
Indy – Marian’s dead.  Life sucks.

Monkey – Scree <I liked her too, even if I betrayed her; but I’m just a monkey; it’s not like I have any way of knowing my master is working for Nazis>

Nazis – Come with us.

Indy – Whatever.  I’m so drunk I can barely stand and I hate the world right now.

Belloq – Wow, you look terrible.

Indy – And I really hate you right now.

Belloq – I really don’t want to kill you when you’re drunk like this, but I can’t have you trying to stop me from getting the Ark.

Indy – Then I’m at least going to punch your smug face in! [[everyone in the bar pulls a gun on him but a pack of children come to his rescue]]

Belloq – Saved by kids?  Really?  That’s sad and low.

Indy – Hey, it wasn’t my idea.

Bar patrons – So, you’re not expecting us to give these guns back, right?

Egypt, Sallah’s Place Again:
Sallah – Come on, sober up.  We still have work to do.

[[the man with the eye-patch poisons the dates while no one is looking]]

Old man – Hey, I figured something out!  If you don’t have both sides of this headpiece, the staff won’t be the right height and won’t shine on the right place on the floor.

Indy – So they’re digging in the wrong place!  We can still get the Ark!  This almost makes up for Marian getting killed!

Sallah – [[prevents Indy from eating a date]] Look, the monkey’s dead from eating the dates.  You’d better be more careful.  Also, if you go out again, you’re dressing like a native.

Tanis, Map Room:
Indy – Note all the careful archeology I’m doing to find the right place on the floor even though I’m totally ignoring the fact that the season probably has a lot to do with where the sun shines in this building.  But I’m sure this will totally work.  [[it totally does]]  Ok, Sallah, let’s go.

Nazis – Hey, guys in native garb.  Clearly you are workers and you need to get back to work.  Move it!

[[they do so and Indy stumbles into a random tent]]

Indy – Marian!  You’re not dead!

Marian – Mffffhththth!!

Indy – But I can’t rescue you or they’ll send out search parties.  I’m sorry.  I hope you’ll be safer here than with me right now.

Marian – Muah???  Mffhathh #^$& ffffphhthh!!!

[[Indy leaves Marian and heads back with Sallah to get ready to dig in the right room for the Ark]]

Tanis, Tent:
[[Belloq unties Marian and gives her some food]]

Marian – About damn time!

Belloq – So, let’s talk about Dr. Jones.

Marian – He’s a jerk and I hope he drops dead.

Belloq – Wow, well, that’s enlightening but not exactly the information I want.  Also, I want you to wear this dress I just happened to have in your size.

Marian – And that’s not creepy at all.  But sure, I’ll wear the dress for you.  And I’ll get drunk with you.

Tanis, the Well of Souls:
[[Indy’s diggers start work and around sundown he decides he doesn’t need that native garb after all]]

Sallah – So, don’t you think that storm’s a bit omnious?

Indy – Pffft.  If you believe in that stuff.  Hey, the entrance.  Whoa, is the floor covered in snakes?  Because I hate snakes.

Sallah – Yeah, that is a lot of snakes.  You go first.

Indy – Gee, thanks…

Tanis, Tent:
Marian – Well, I think you’re drunk enough to make my escape attempt.  Laters!

Creepy Nazi – Going somewhere?

Marian – Yeah, right behind Belloq here.

[[in the meantime, Indy and Sallah find and extract the Ark and might have gotten away with it if Belloq wasn’t paying attention that morning; sadly, he was]]

Tanis, Well of Souls:
Indy – Sallah, why did you drop the rope?

Belloq – Hey, thanks for doing all the hard work for me.  I’ll be taking the Ark now.

Indy – If this wasn’t a PG movie…

Nazi Lt. – And take her too.  She’s nothing but trouble. [[has Marian tossed into the Well]]

Belloq – Hey!  Oh, well, thems the breaks.  Laters!  [[they close up the Well]]

Marian – Ahhh!!  There are snakes everywhere and we’re trapped!

Indy – I’m sure I can figure a way out.  It may involve destroying this priceless archeological find though.

Marian – Oh, like that’s mattered to you before.

Indy – Right. [[destroys a priceless statue to bust though a wall which does lead to a way out]] Boy, I’m glad these huge stone blocks weigh so little I can just push them right out.  Oh, no, they’re going to load the Ark up and fly to Hitler.  Well, let’s make sure that doesn’t happen!

[[Indy distracts the pilot and fights a very large man while Marian knocks out the pilot but ends up trapped in the cockpit]]

Nazi Lt. – Stop pining over the woman.  She was trouble.

Belloq – Whatever.  Shouldn’t we be on our way now?  Something could happen.

Nazi Lt. – What could possibly be happening?

[[cue explosion over by the plane]]

Nazi Lt. – Well, go check it out you idiots!

Marian – [[shoots a truck full of Nazis]]  Oh, is that jet fuel?  Are you kidding me?  Indy!

Indy – Jet fuel?  Can’t I get a break? [[large man dies horribly on the plane propellor]] Ok, that’ll do.  [[manages to break Marian out and they run while the plane explodes]]

Belloq – I see death, destruction, and fire.  Clearly Indiana Jones is not dead.  Let’s load this thing on a truck and get out of here!

Sallah – I’m so glad you both aren’t dead.  Now what?

Indy – Take Marian back to the city and get us passage back to the US.  I don’t care how.  I’ll get the Ark back.

Sallah – How?

Indy – I’ll improvise.  First, I’ll need a horse.

[[Indy manages to ride up to the convoy, not get shot, and systematically take out all the Nazis, car-jack the truck with the Ark and run the lead car with Belloq right off the road]]

Belloq – What the hell was that?  He was one guy and he wasn’t even armed!  I thought you were highly trained soldiers!  Idiots!  I’m surrounded by idiots!

Open Seas:
Indy – Well, I guess an African pirate ship is better than nothing.  Hey, they gave you a new dress.

Marian – Yeah, and I’m not going to ask why these guys had it on-hand.  Wow, you look terrible like you were dragged behind a car or something.

Indy – There’s a good reason for that.

Marian – So it turns out I’ve forgiven you for ruining my life.

Indy – Oh, good.  So what does that mean?

Marian – A PG cut scene.

Indy – Sweet!

Open Seas, the Next Morning:
Indy – Why has the boat stopped?

Captain – Because a Nazi submarine is threatening to attack us.  Go hide.  I’ll try to get rid of them.

[[it doesn’t work and they kidnap Marian again; Indy sneaks on board the sub, which, we presume, does not actually dive before it gets where its going]]

Unpopulated Island:
Nazi Lt. – Why are we opening the Ark here and not in Berlin?

Belloq – Well, if you want to open this thing up in front of your Fuhrer and find out then that there’s nothing in it, then be my guest.

Nazi Lt. – When you put it that way, opening on this rock in the middle of the ocean seems like a better idea.

Belloq – Yep.  And it’s sort of implied since I believe in this stuff, if it all goes wrong, better for it to go wrong on an unpopulated island than Berlin.

Marian – Look, can I just go home?  You’ve got your Ark so what the hell do you want me for?

Belloq – You’re spunky and I like you.

Marian – Honestly…

Indy – If you don’t turn over Marian, I’ll blow up the Ark.

Nazi Lt. – Turn over the woman!

Belloq – He won’t blow it up.  Go, on, blow it up!

Nazi Lt. – Dude, just give him the chick already!

Belloq – No!  I can’t let him win anything ever.  Come on, I’m calling you bluff!

Indy – Rats.  Fine, I won’t blow it up.

Belloq – See.  Now take them both prisoner while we open the Ark.

[[Marian and Indy are tied to a stake somewhat out of the way while Belloq dons his Sunday best and they open the Ark]]

Nazi Lt. – All I see is sand.

Belloq – God damn it!  Wait, wait, something’s happening! [[various spirits and energy start flying out of the Ark]]

Indy – Marian, close your eyes.  Don’t look at anything.

Marian – I thought you didn’t believe in this stuff.

Indy – Yeah, well, maybe I was wrong.  Close your eyes!

Marian – Sure, but how is that going to help?

Indy – I think that’s explained in a scene that got cut.  Just trust me!

Marian – Yeah, because that’s worked so well.

Indy – Marian!

Marian – Fine, fine, my eyes are closed.

Belloq – Awesome!  I’m talking to God!  And apparently forgotten that in all the stories that’s not necessarily a good thing!

[[Then everything goes predictably wrong when people try to abuse the power of God and thus starts the smiting and screaming and melting horrors]]

Indy – Don’t look!

Marian – AAAAHHH!!!

[[Once all the Nazis are dead, the can of holy whoop-ass closes of its own accord and the two heroes are left to figure out how to get off of an unpopulated island]]

Indy – Where is the Ark?

Gov’t Man 1 – It’s safe.  We have top men looking into it.

Indy – It’s the real thing!  It can’t be safe!

Gov’t Man 1 – It’s safe.

Marian – So, what happened?

Indy – They’re idiots.  They don’t know what they’re dealing with or how to handle it.

Marian – Darn it.  Well, I can buy you a drink.

Indy – That sounds just fine right now.

Remote Government Facility:
[[The Ark is put into a wooden crate with generic numbers and files it away among thousands of nearly identical crates proving sometimes the government does know what it’s doing]]

-fade out-


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S. J. Drew is an aspiring writer who finally entered the blogosphere to shamelessly promote that writing (as evidenced by the title of the blog). Whether or not this works remains to be seen, but S. J. hopes you are at least entertained. And if you're actually reading this, that's probably a good sign.

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