A random thought before I start with this parody: when I hum the “Indiana Jones” theme it always seems to end up the “A-Team” theme by the end. I don’t know why. Does anyone else have this happen to them? It could just be me. Maybe I’m the only person whose brain is weird that way. On with the snark:
or, “Darkier and Edgier Strikes Back”
Shanghai, Night Club:
Willie – So the last movie started with a bad-ass action scene. This one is starting even better – with dancing-girls! And me!
Indy – So, where’s the diamond?
Lao Che – Where’s the item?
Willie – Hey, move over. That’s my seat.
Indy – Diamond first, then item.
Lao Che – Or I can just kill you and take the item.
Indy – [[takes Willie hostage]] Diamond please, and I let your girl go.
Willie – Listen, I’ve just met you, but taking an innocent person hostage seems seriously out of character for you.
Lao Che – Fine, fine. [[they exchange items and Indy releases Willie]] So have some champagne, on us. Please, don’t pay attention to us laughing at you in anticipation as you pick up the glass.
Indy – Okay, I won’t. [[chugs it]] Mmm, tasty.
Lao Che – For poison!
Indy – My waiter friend will kill you unless you give me the antidote! [[Lao Che’s thugs shoot the waiter]] Or, you know, not.
Waiter Friend – It has been an honor sharing one touching scene with you. [[dies]]
Indy – [[takes Willie hostage again]] Antidote for the girl!
Willie – It occurs to me that maybe after you tried to stab me and let me go, the rational course of action would have been to get the hell away from you!
Lao Che – Feh, whatever. I’ll just have everyone killed.
[[Thus starts a nightclub brawl which begins with Indy throwing a spear of flaming meat into a guy’s chest, involves him going for the antidote and Willie going for the diamond, and ends with both of them jumping out a window, through awnings, and landing in a car]]
Indy – Short Round, get us out of here!
Shorty – Okey dokey Doctol Jones! And I am in no way an unflattering racial stereotype!
Willie – I broke a nail! And I’m in no way an unflattering stereotype of a gold-digging ditzy blonde.
[[Thus ensues a car chase which ends at the airport and Lao Che oddly allowing Indy to board the plane without even trying to shoot him, although it becomes obvious why when the audience sees he owns the airplane]]
Willie – Why am I even on this plane again? Sure, Lao Che dumped me but he wasn’t trying to kill me specifically and I’m sure I could have figured out my own way back to the States.
Indy – Chicks totally dig me, even if I’ve been a terrible person so far.
Willie – I do not dig you!
Co-Pilot – Okay, so why did the boss let them get on the plane and think they got away only to have us jump out of the plane and let it crash? I mean, we’re stuck making a dangerous jump out of the plane to begin with and then we’re stuck hiking through the freaking Himalayas hoping we can find help getting back to China before we freeze to death. Couldn’t we have just shot them immediately and landed at the next airport? We’d be safer and the boss wouldn’t be out an airplane, which can’t be cheap in 1935.
Pilot – Don’t get rational on me; just jump. [[they do so]]
Willie – Indy! Indy! The pilots are gone and the plane is going to crash and there are no parachutes. Do something!
Indy – Um, okay, well, let’s jump out of this plane in an inflatable raft. We’ll sled down the snowy mountain and if we happen to come across a cliff that falls into a river, we’ll glide right off, surf the rapids, and even be able to safely navigate a waterfall.
Willie – First of all, I can’t believe all that would even happen, and even if it did, your plan can’t possibly begin to work.
[[All that does happen, Indy’s plan does work, and Willie screams and screams and screams]]
Village Elder – Our sacred rock was stolen. We prayed for help and you showed up. Help us kick out the great evil that stole our rock, recover our rock, and we’ll guide you to Delhi.
Willie – Does that seem like an unflattering racial stereotype to anyone else? No?
Shorty – This is not oul lroblem, Doctol Jones. Leave it alone.
Indy – Yeah, listen, not so keen on this kicking out evil thing. I’m actually a professor.
Indian Village, Later:
Adorable Escaped Child – Here is a valuable clue with no explanation as to how I, a starving and beaten child, obtained it. Please help us.
Indy – Wow, abused children? That is definitely darker and edgier. Well, despite my callousness in taking Willie hostage, I can’t leave kids to be abused.
Indian Village, Later Still:
Indy – But that doesn’t make my decision to take Short Round with me on a dangerous adventure anything but incredibly ill-advised.
Willie – I hate elephants!
Shorty – Why we take lady? She no help at all.
Indy – You’ll understand when you get a bit older.
Willie – Although that doesn’t explain why I agreed to this. Wouldn’t it make more sense for me to wait here until you get back and then we all go to Delhi, or ask for a guide to take me to Delhi and get me out of this village who surely would be happy to see me go, instead of me going with you into the jungle for an adventure I am entirely unsuited for?
Indy – Yeah, you know, the more you point that out, the less sense it makes. Better get going.
[[Eventually even the elephant gets tired of Willie and chucks her in a puddle]]
Indy – I’ll guess we’ll camp here.
Willie – The jungle is full of creepy crawly things! AAAHHH!!!
Indy – So, I was teaching you poker, which is surely a wholesome game to teach a child.
Willie – AAAHHH!!!
Shorty – You cheating, Doctol Jones.
Willie – AAAHHH!!!
Indy – Me, cheat a kid? That’s really pathetic and low.
Willie – Ok, ok, so where did you get the kid anyway?
Indy – He tried to rob me and I found out he was an orphan so I just brought him along with me.
Willie – Wait a minute. You picked up some kid like a stray dog? Really?
Indy – You know, when you put it that way, it really sounds bad.
Willie – [[confuses a snake for an elephant trunk and tosses it towards Indy]]
Indy – GAH!!
Willie – Did you just squeal like a frightened child?
Indy – No, that was a totally manly expression of surprise. And a totally manly jump backwards. Completely manly.
Chattar Lal – The purpose of this scene is to establish I’m obviously a villain and a real jerk too.
Indy – Well done. Can we talk to the Maharaja now?
Willie – Hey, the Maharaja sounds rich. Is he married?
Evil Palace, Later:
Willie – Oh, he’s a kid. Ewww.
Random Indian Guy – You think that’s gross, wait until you see dinner.
Indy – Hey, I actually look like a professor now. Why are the British guys here?
Chattar – It’s 1935. They still own us and we’re totally fine with that. Totally. Fine. Have some bugs.
Indy – So I heard that the ancient Thuggee cult is alive and well here and is looking for these magic rocks to take over the world.
Chattar – There’s no cult and stop saying offensive things.
Willie – [[aghast at the dinner offerings]] You seriously do not eat this, right? You just cooked all this stuff to gross out the British, right? Because this is seriously sick and I think those are human eyeballs! And are me and the kid the only ones weirded out by this?
Evil Palace, Later:
Indy – Willie, I brought you real food as an opening play for sex.
Willie – I’ll take the food, but you’ll have to do better than that if you want sex.
Indy – I don’t do hard to get. You come to me. [[goes to his room to wait for Willie and has apparently forgotten he’s sharing his room with Short Round!]] She’ll be here any minute. Yep, any minute. [[guy leaps out and tries to strangle Indy]] GAK!
Willie – You’re a jerk for not coming back!
Indy – GAK!
Shorty – Doctol Jones? I thought I heald someone getting stlangled. Oh!
[[Indy manages to defeat the assassin and accidentally kills him in front of Short Round using the world’s strongest ceiling fan]]
Indy – Ok, I hope that doesn’t scar you or anything. Better check on Willie.
Willie – I knew you couldn’t resist me!
Indy – I could explain I nearly got killed but I’m just going to find the secret passage and ignore you. [[does so]] Shorty, get our gear.
Indy – Ok, why doesn’t my gear include a flashlight, lantern, lamp, torch or any other illuminating device besides matches? This is just stupid.
[[they get themselves trapped in a booby trap]]
Indy – And now our only hope is Willie.
Shorty – We so dead.
Willie – Hey, at least I brought a lamp into the scary dark secret passage.
Indy – Just get us out of the death trap!
Willie – [[does so]] I’m covered in bugs!!! AAAHHH!!! [[manages not only to set off the death trap again but also breaks the lamp; but they escape and stumble on the secret Thuggee death cult headed up by Mola Ram]] Ok, I’m pretty sure that I’m justified in screaming since that guy just ripped out the other guy’s heart and dumped him in a lava pit!
Indy – Please don’t scream. Hey, look, they’ve got the magic rocks.
Mola Ram – Ok, everyone, that was a great human sacrifice. Remember, next sacrifice same time, same place. Everyone out! You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here!
[[everyone casually filters out of the death cult room]]
Indy – I’ll get the rocks, you two stay here, be quiet, and this is very important: do not get captured.
Shorty – Okey dokey Doctol Jones.
Indy – You know, I would have thought they’d be a little more protective of the stones and not leave them out like this. But it works for me. Now all I have to do is not get distracted by wailing… [[hears wailing]] Well, I’d better check it out. [[stumbles across a vast maze of caves being mined by children]] Abused child slaves? Wow, this is really dark. I could sneak out of here and warn the Maharaja and all those British guys with guns, or I could blow my cover and not accomplish anything at all. Yeah, I’ll go with the second option. [[blows his cover and is captured]]
[[Willie and Short Round are likewise captured]]
Secret Death Cult Prison:
Child Slave – Don’t drink the blood of Kali Ma or you’ll turn into a living zombie.
Indy – That is really good advice. Thanks, kid.
Secret Death Cult, Later:
Mola Ram – I need five stones to take over the world. I’ve got the child slaves looking for the other two in the mines. But first, you need to drink this tasty blood.
Shorty – Don’t dlink it!
Indy – Yeah, I got that part.
Mola – Ok, I’ll torture both you and the kid and then force you to drink the blood.
Shorty – Um, isn’t child torture a little too dark? I mean, come on. I’m like eight here and you’re going to whip me? Are you sure?
Mola – [[checks screenplay]] Apparently so. Commence the torturing!
[[The torturing commences and features a voodoo doll of all things and Indy is forced to drink the blood and is turned into a mindless zombie while Short Round is thrown into the mines, although to his credit he turns his attention to escaping]]
Secret Death Cult, Later Still:
Mola – Ok, everyone, glad you could make it on short notice. I mean, I’m assuming I don’t actually have frequent human sacrifices or someone is bound to notice.
Chattar – Yeah, maybe that’s why the British are here.
Mola – Hm, that’s a good point. Anyway, we need to get rid of the blonde. She’s seen everything.
Chattar – True.
Mola – Ok, bring out the blonde! Dr. Jones, please put her in the cage now that you are mind-controlled and can’t resist.
[[Willie is brought out and put in the sacrificial cage with much weeping and gnashing of teeth but little actual attempts to stop it]]
Willie – Why did I ever get on that damn plane or ride on that damn elephant?
[[in the meantime, Short Round manages to escape the mines and heads directly to the death cult room as they start to lower Willie into the pit]]
Willie – AAAHHH!!!
Shorty – Doctol Jones, help! [[Indy knocks him aside and laughs]]
Willie – AAAHHH!!!
Shorty – Ok, you clearly mind-controlled; me help by burning you horribly! [[uses a torch and burns him horribly which oddly enough does seem to bring Indy out of it]]
Willie – AAAHHH!!!
Indy – Whoops, sorry about that. Here, I’ll start beating the snot out of everyone. Hey, Willie stopped screaming. Is she dead? Or did she just faint? Whatever. [[starts beating people up]]
Mola – And I will escape using this convenient tunnel!! Hahahahaha!!!
Indy – Wow, I’m really surprised he left the magic rocks here since I am clearly occupied with fighting and couldn’t actually stop him from taking them.
Mola – Wait, that was an option? Damn it!
[[Indy incapacitates Chattar, saves Willie, grabs the magic rocks, and they all run into the mines to free the child-slaves]]
Indy – Ok, I’ve saved the girl and the kids. This seems like a good place to wrap up the movie.
Thuggee Thugs – You have to fight us first on this incredibly dangerous fighting platform!
Indy – Ok, fine, I can beat up guys this big…
Maharaja – Yeah, but I’m mind-controlled and have your voodoo doll. [[stabs the doll]]
Indy – ARGH! Ok, this is a problem.
[[the fight commences with Indy not doing well and Willie readying a mine car for no good reason; finally Short Round beats up the Maharaja and burns him horribly to bring him out of the trance]]
Maharaja – What the hell? Kids beating up kids and then getting burned? Fine, whatever. If you’re going to use a mine car to escape, make sure you take the left tunnel.
Shorty – That good advice.
[[Indy finishes the fight and they escape in the mine car and promptly take the right tunnel]]
Shorty – Um, why didn’t we take the left tunnel like the kid who lives here said to?
Indy – So we can have an awesome mine car/rollercoaster style chase scene!
Shorty – That is a stupid reason to do this.
Willie – AAAHHH!!!
Mola – Clearly my thugs are not going to catch them, so I’m going to flood them out. While this seems certain to cause the other three magic rocks to be lost in this maze of mines and therefore counterproductive to my plan of gathering all five magic rocks, what the hell. Bust open the giant bucket of water we have for some reason!
[[Indy and Co. survive the mine ride although the bad guys do not and are nearly drowned by the flood of water but conveniently pop out of the side of the mountain and again manage to narrowly avoid being drowned]]
Indy – Go across the bridge to safety!
Willie – It looks dangerous and unsafe!
Indy – Of course it’s dangerous and unsafe but it’s less dangerous and unsafe than any other thing you’ve experienced over the past couple of days as long as the kid doesn’t jump on it or anything so get across already!
Shorty – Oh, so I shouldn’t jump on it? Ooops.
[[Indy fights off more thugs who apparently knew where the mine would terminate while Willie and Short Round cross the bridge to find Mola Ram waiting for them]]
Mola – Give me the rocks or I kill these two!
Indy – Um, no?
Mola – I will make my point more strongly by forcing the hostages out on the bridge. I will of course escort them myself even though that really doesn’t make any sense. [[does so]]
Indy – I have a bad idea, which I will convey to the kid in a Chinese dialect so no one else knows what I am planning. [[does so]]
Shorty – Hey, Lady, hang on to the ropes; Doctol Jones is going to cut the bridge.
Indy – *facepalm*
Mola – Hey, did the kid say something important? I apparently wasn’t listening. Hey, why are you apparently hanging on to the ropes? Is that something we should do?
Indy – Um, no. [[cuts rope and bridge just falls to pieces, but Indy, Willie, Short Round, Mola, and a few thugs manage to hang on]] Well, I guess I’ll have to fight my way up. [[does so]]
Mola – Hey, guys with bows! Shoot him already! [[they shoot but miss horribly]] Ok, I need to hire better help. Or not mind-control away their skills.
Maharaja – I told you guys to take the left tunnel! I got the British soldiers to come help! [[the Brits with their guns chase away the thugs with their swords]]
Mola – I am not going without the rocks!
Indy – Ok, fine by me. I’ll just use Chekhov’s Gun here to solve this knife fight.
Mola – What?
Indy – I’m going to recite the warning on the scrap of parchment the kid gave me in the early part of the movie that will have some kind of unexplained magical effect on the rocks.
Mola – That sounds more like a deus ex machina to me.
Indy – Whatever, as long as it works.
Mola – It is not going to work. [[the satchel with the rocks catches on fire and two of the rocks plus Mola fall into the crocodile infested waters below]] I can’t believe that worked! [[dies]]
Indy – And I conveniently have one more rock left to return to the village. [[does so]]
Elder – You have returned our lucky stone and our children. We thank you and will now get a guide to take you to Delhi.
Indy – Great! And now I get to kiss Willie again.
Shorty – Yuck. Hey, if this is set in 1935, and “Raiders” is set in 1936, what happens to us between this adventure and the next one?
Indy – Um, hey, look, the movie’s over.