or, “I Hate Bella Swan More Than Scrappy Doo”
Bella (narrating) – My mom married a minor league baseball player and has to move out of Phoenix and go on the road. I don’t want to get in the way, so I’m moving back in with my dad in the town of Forks, Washington, where I used to live before my parents divorced when I was about five. The population is about 3000 people and no one is going to like me and I’m going to be such an outcast but this will be easier on my mom.
Dad – Look, I got this nice old truck for you as a welcome present.
Bella – Woe is me. I have a ride but no one to ride with me.
Jacob – Hey, Bella, remember me? We were friends when we were kids and I’d like to be your friend now. I don’t go to your school, but we should still totally hang out.
Bella – Woe is me. The one person I know doesn’t go to my school. I will be so shunned.
Newspaper boy – Hey, you’re the new girl. That’s totally cool. Stick with me and I’ll introduce you to everyone.
Bella – No one likes me.
Jessia – You’ll really like this school. You can come sit at my table at lunch.
Bella – I am so angsty.
Mike – Hey, you’re totally cute. I’d be interested in going out with you.
Bella – Nope, no friends here. [[yet by noon that day she is sitting at lunch with the above mentioned teenagers and Angela; hell, it’s clear Jessica likes Mike and she’s still nice to Bella]]
Angela – It’s so nice to make new friends.
Bella – I am so alone.
[[Enter a group of extremely pale but attractive teenagers whose entrance seems like it was staged by Cosmo Girl for the movie posters]]
Bella – Who are those people?
Jessica – Oh, allow me to provide some helpful exposition. Those are the Cullens kids. Dr. Cullens adopted a bunch of them. It’s kind of squicky because it looks like they’re not brothers and sisters but together-together. They keep to themselves and don’t really talk to us, but whatever, right?
Bella – Wow, the extra brooding one who has no obvious girlfriend is totally hot.
Bella – Wow, I get to sit next to the totally hot brooding guy.
[[totally hot brooding guy makes faces and leaves class as though disgusted by her]]
Bella – Ok, now I might possibly have a legitimate reason to be angsty.
[[later that day Edward (the totally hot brooding guy) saves Bella from being killed by an out of control van]]
Bella – Ok, I’m angsty and whiny for no good reason, but it turns out I’m not entirely stupid. You’re like super-fast and super-strong and that’s totally weird.
Edward – You’re wrong.
Bella – No I’m not and you need to tell me what’s going on. I thought you didn’t like me.
Edward – Just stay away from me, okay?
Bella – I am totally not going to do that!
Bella – I wish I wasn’t so alone, stuck on this beach with all these people who seem to like me even though I’m whiny and keep blowing them off. I wish I could date Edward.
Jacob – Bella, can we talk?
Bella – Oh, are you still here?
Jacob – And I like you why again? Anyway, I think you should be careful with the Cullens. They’re kind of weird. And this is a weird place, you know. I mean, my tribe is supposed to be descended from wolves.
Bella – But Edward is so brooding and hot.
Jacob – Ok, I’m going to relate a legend about the “Cold Ones” to you in the hopes that you get the clue but I’m guessing you probably won’t.
Bella – What? I was thinking about Edward again.
The “Big” City:
[[Bella, Jessica, and Angela, are shopping for prom dresses even though Bella said she wasn’t going to prom]]
Jessica – Bella, you’re not really paying attention to this.
Bella – No, I’m not. I just came with you so I would have an excuse to come here and go to a bookstore.
Angela – You totally used us. Inexplicably, we will forgive you and let you go to that bookstore and we’ll meet up with you later for dinner.
[[Bella is accosted by drunk guys outside the bookstore which is of course located in the creepy part of town as bookstores tend to be; Edward drives up and saves her life again]]
Bella – Are you following me?
Edward – Yes. Do you think that’s creepy?
Bella – No, it’s totally romantic and wow your hands are ice-cold. I thought you didn’t like me.
Edward – I don’t, which is why I’m following you and saved your life and am going to take you to dinner to tell you stay away from me.
Bella – Mixed signals? That’s so romantic.
[[Later Bella does research on the Cold Ones and sadly seems capable of putting two and two together, then sets out to confront Edward]]
Bella – Okay, I figured out what you are. You’re super strong, super fast, really cold, and drink human blood. You’re totally like a vampire.
Edward – We also all have extra super powers. Mine is mind-reading, only I can’t read you. I am assuming that’s some special power of yours, and not that you don’t actually have any thoughts to read. Also, we don’t burst into flame in sunlight, we glitter like diamonds.
Bella – That’s not like a vampire at all, actually, but that’s way cooler. So are we going to date or what?
Edward – Seriously?
Bella – Yeah, you’re totally hot and brooding and it’s so romantic to date a sparkle leech.
Edward – Ok, no games. I’m going to be totally upfront and honest with you. I am a predator. Everything I am is designed to make you want me so I can drink your blood and kill you. And I haven’t tasted human blood in a long time but I really really want to drink your blood. You are bad for me. I am afraid I will hurt you and even kill you. You should stay away from me.
Bella – I love you and you love me, so you won’t hurt me.
Edward – *blink blink* Did you listen to a word I just said?
Edward – Well, alright. It’s totally stupid, but what the hell. I’ve been sneaking into your room and watching you sleep anyway.
Bella – Stalking is so romantic.
[[they start dating and the Cullens family is completely welcoming and nice to her]]
Bella – Oh, and I want to be a sparkle leech.
Edward – No. I may say I’m 17, but I’m actually 109. I don’t want this life for you. Trust me, you don’t want to be a monster.
Bella – I’m just going to whine at you until I get my way.
Edward – For some inexplicable reason, this does not make me like you less.
Laurent – Hey, me and my buddies here are the sparkle leeches who’ve been killing people. Is that a problem?
Dr. Cullens – Yeah. We think you should get out of town.
James – You’ve got a human with you! I totally want to kill her and then fight Edward.
Dr. Cullens – Okay, then we’ll get Bella out of town.
Bella – Dad, I hate you and I’m running away.
Dad – Oh… man…I know I’m not the best dad ever, but you’re really running away? This sucks.
Bella (phone call) – Hey Mom. Bad things have happened but I’m not going to tell you what and expect you not to worry about anything. I’ll call you back. Bye.
James (phone call) – So I’ve got your mom. Come meet me alone and I’ll give her back.
Bella – That’s totally stupid! I’ll do it!
Phoenix, Ballet Studio:
Bella – Ok, I’m here. And Mom isn’t here. You tricked me!
James – Yeah, I did, which was really easy. Now I’m going to torture you because I can. [[does so]]
Edward – I’ll save you.
[[sparkle leech on sparkle leech fighting action ensues and James manages to bite Bella before the rest of the family comes to save them both]]
Dr. Cullens – Edward, I know you really really want to drink her blood, but you’re the only one who can suck out the poison out of her blood so she doesn’t turn into a sparkle leech.
Bella – Wait, leechhood is transmitted like a disease or snake venom? Even in my pain-induced delirium, I know that’s not really like a vampire.
Dr. Cullens – You’ve been ignoring all the other butchering of vampire mythology up to this point, so just go with it. Now, Edward, I know she’s like a drug to you, but you’re the only one who can save her.
Edward – That doesn’t sound like a good idea to me, but okay. *sucks poison*
Dr. Cullens – And now you need to stop before you kill her.
Edward – But she’s my drug.
Dr. Cullens – Edward.
Edward – Fine. [[stops sucking her blood]]
Mom – Bella, I was so worried! You ran away from home and then fell down some stairs and are badly injured! But you’ll be fine. I’m so relieved that you’re okay I’m not going to ground you or punish you in any way.
Dad – Neither will I.
Edward – I think we shouldn’t date. Look what happened.
Bella – You jerk! We’re totally going to date and I never want you to say something like that to me again. You are taking me to prom!
Bella – I love you so much.
Edward – I love you too.
Bella – Turn me into a sparkle leech. Your sister who can see the future says it’s going to happen anyway.
Edward – No.
Bella – I’ll just whine until I get my way.
Edward – And for some reason I will love you anyway.