Fifteen-minute Movie: The Phantom

or, “Diana Gets Kidnapped a Lot”
or, “A Pulp Romp that Just Didn’t Come Together”

Actual Ghost of Phantom’s Dead Father (Narrating) – Okay, let’s get this exposition and backstory over with.  Four-hundred years ago the Sengh Brotherhood of pirates attacked a British ship and killed everyone but one little boy who washed ashore.  The natives immediately rescued the boy, endowed with a skull-shaped ring, and made him their protector.  I realize that may sound kind of racist, but please remember this is based on pulp comics from the 1930s.  Each time a Phantom gets killed, his son steps up as the new Phantom.  And here’s where we get to my kid…

Bengalla Jungle, 1938:
Quill – Where the hell are we going again?

Thug 1 – The kid we kidnapped says we’re going in the right direction but we’ll have to cross a rickety bridge that may not hold the weight of the truck.

Quill – Just to prove what a total douche-bag I am, we’ll cross the bridge on foot and make the kid drive the truck.  Then we’ll tie the kid up so we’ve got him to drive back later. [[does so and they head into the jungle]]

Hidden Native – In theory, I could shoot some poison darts or something at these strangers to stop them from entering a haunted/sacred cave.  Or, you know, not.  I’ll go get help or something.

Haunted/sacred cave:
Thug 2 – So what are we looking for?

Quill – A skull.

Thug 3 – Dude, this whole place is covered in skulls!  It’s like the freakin’ Catacombs of Paris in here. I  am literally standing on skulls!

Quill – A silver skull, idiots, not a human skull.

Thug 4 – Oh, you mean this one by the upright skeleton?  [[tosses it to Quill only to have the skeleton come to life and strangle him despite Quill’s attempts to shoot it]]

Thug 1 – What happened?!

Quill – This skeleton strangled him!

Thug 2 – That seems unlikely, boss.  I mean, we heard shots and everything.

Thug 3 – And if that’s true, are you sure you should be taking that skull?

Quill – Shut up and let’s go.

[[A mysterious figure wearing purple spandex and riding a white horse being trailed by a wolf pursues the bad guys; please do not ask what the hell a horse and wolf and spandex are doing in a jungle]]

Thug 2 – Who the hell is the weird guy in purple?

Quill – A guy I already killed!  Seriously, I totally killed him!

[[the Phantom manages to take out the unnamed thugs but Quill stabs the Phantom and escapes and the Phantom elects to save the kid tied up in the back instead of going after Quill; one nerve-wracking and slightly goofy rescue later (who knew that ropes strong enough to hold a truck upside-down aren’t strong enough to hold a whole bridge), the Phantom and the kid are safe but the bridge is a lost cause]]

Skull Cave:
Servant – Please stop getting yourself stabbed, Ghost-Who-Walks.

Christopher “Kit” Walker – Eh, it happens.  Anyway, this provides a great excuse for me to walk around without a shirt.  Also, allow me to provide some exposition about that stolen skull and how it pertains to the plot.

Actual Ghost (the Narrator) – Do you think you could have delivered that exposition any more woodenly?

Kit – What do you want?  I had a bad day.  I got stabbed.

Actual Ghost – Well, we all make mistakes, son.

Kit – I also lost one of the three magic skulls that when united would make the wielder powerful enough to rule the world.

Actual Ghost – You idiot!  You better go get that back!

Servant – Sir, are you alright?  You’re talking to no one again.

Kit – I’m having a really bad day.

Jungle Patrol:
Thug 2 – We were attacked!  By a ghost!  A ghost who walks!

Lt. – Do you think the rumors about the Phantom are true?

Captain – Of course not!  How could they possibly be true?  That’s crazy talk.

New York City, Swanky Party:
[[Diana Palmer returns from adventuring on a night her uncle is giving a charity fundraiser]]

Uncle Palmer – I’m so glad to see you, honey!  Also, there’s a guy here who’s going to hit on you!

Diana – And my aunt here wonders why I spend all my time adventuring.

Aunt Palmer – Yes, well, you could bother to dress better when you show up.  Oh, Xander Drax is here.

Uncle Palmer – And he can just get the hell out of here again.

Drax – What?  Why?  I don’t understand your hostility towards me, or all the reporters you have following me around.  It’s as though you think my smarmy demeanor and overall sleeziness indicates I might be a bad guy or something.

Uncle Palmer – Yeah, or something.

New York City, Swanky Party, Later:
Uncle Palmer – So this is why Drax is a bad guy.  He’s going to steal these magic skulls and take over the world.  I need to get this important message to the Bengalla Jungle Patrol but I can’t leave now.

Diana – I’ll go!  I should be perfectly safe as long as one of these two guys isn’t a stoolie for Drax.

Mayor – Um, yeah…that… [[he promptly tattles to Drax]]

The Ocean, Somewhere:
[[Diana’s plane has been forced down by sky pirates]]

Sala – Okay, we just want Diana Palmer.  She steps forward or we kill everyone.

Diana – I’m Diana.  And I’m going to pull off your mask so I can see who I’m dealing with.

Sala – And I’m going to let you so the audience can see I’m a sexy lady sky pirate captain.  Then I’m going to knock you out. [[does so]]

Skull Cave:
Servant – Diana Palmer’s been kidnapped, Ghost-Who-Eavesdrops-On-Radio-Traffic!

Phantom – Really?  I know her!  Better go save her.

Servant – I hope this works out better than your last mission…

Bengalla Seaport:
Quill – Okay, time for the threats, Diana.  And I’m going to creepily hit on you.

Diana – Yay.

Sala – I’ll hit on you too.

Diana – I-I am confused by that.

[[Phantom sends Devil the wolf to scout ahead and apparently no one notices a wolf hanging around, then drops into rescue Diana]]

Phantom – I’m here to rescue you!

[[group of stunned and half naked ladies stare at him]]

Phantom – Sorry, wrong room. [[steps out and manages to interrupt Sala’s petty theft of Diana’s boots]]  I’m here to rescue you!  Hey, another lady pirate?

Sala – I hire only women to work for me.

Phantom – That’s-that’s totally hot, actually.

Diana – Hello, she’s got a gun!

Phanton – Yoink! [[takes gun]]

Sala – I like a man with good reflexes.  [[kisses him]]  Shall I show you around the ship?

Diana – [[now freed, she punches out sexy lady sky pirate captain]] Honestly, can we escape now?

Phantom – Oh, right, that, sure.  Follow me.  No, seriously, I get that you’re spunky and all, but please just stay back and follow me.

Diana – Whatever.

[[they promptly get captured]]

Quill – I totally killed you!  I’ve got the scar on my face!  How are you still alive?

Phantom – I’m a ghost?

Quill – Whatever, I’ll kill you again.

Devil – Rawrrr!! [[jumps on Quill, which somehow gives Phantom the strength to throw off the three guys that had been holding him; Diana breaks free and they escape in a seaplane that of course gets shot full of holes while the bad guys pursue in a jeep and with some guys on horses because why the hell not, I guess]]

Devil – <Master took off in a plane!  We need to catch up to him!  He’ll need us!>

Mr. Ed (I guess) – <How the hell am I supposed to catch up to a plane?!>

Devil – <It’s a movie!  You’ll be fine!> [[the animals race off]]

Phantom – Uh-oh, we’re out of gas.  I sure up my trusty horse shows up so we can jump off this plane and ride away to safety!

Diana – What?  There is no way that’s going to happen!

[[Actually, it does but then the bad guys come bursting out of the jungle from a completely different direction the plane was flying in and chase Phantom on horseback, which works until some natives helpfully capture two of them]]

Skull Cave:
Phantom – Hey, I’ve got a present for you, woman I just met and have no prior relationship with in any way.

Diana – I find that touching and not creepy or suspicious at all.

Captain – Ah, the Ghost-Who-Stalks.  So, you rescued the heiress?  Good, good.  Now, what was the message?

Diana – This piece of paper with a spiderweb thingy.

Captain – The Sengh Brotherhood!  This is really bad!

Phantom – Yeah.  Get Diana back to safety.  I’ll follow up this lead.

New York City, Drax’s Office:
Drax – So, everyone, you can see from my fabulous slideshow that the real money can be made in plastics, and world domination.

Mayor – You really think we needed a marketing slideshow to be convinced to go along with your plan?

Mob Boss – It was lame.  I’m out of here.

[[Drax kills him with a handy-dandy spear]]

Drax – Wow, that just makes my shoulder hurt.  Anyone else unimpressed with my master plan?

Others – Nope, we’re good.  That was awesome.  Sign us up.

New York City, Uncle Palmer’s Newspaper:
Kit – Hey, Diana, long time no see.  I’m in town because I, um, felt like it.

Diana – That’s convincing.  You totally left me, you jerk.

Kit – I, er, had stuff to sort out.  Anyway, we need to find that silver skull.

Annoying Suitor – There’s a green skull in the history museum.  Is that close enough?

NYC, History Museum:
Diana – Well, my uncle knows the curator… [[Kit smashes the glass and grabs the skull]]  Or you could just do that.

Drax – I’ll take that!

Kit – How the hell did you get in here?  I mean, seriously, you were literally not here two seconds ago!

Drax – Yeah, weird, isn’t it.  Okay, people, nothing to see here except for the crazy light show the two skulls put on as their laser eyes point out the location of the third skull.

Quill – Wow, it’s really handy that this place has a partial world map that happens to be of just the part of the world where the third skull is.

Drax – You are killing my buzz here.  Go kill this guy I don’t even know and we’ll kidnap Diana again.

Diana – What?  Why?

Sala – The Phantom rejected me, and I’m totally hot, therefore he must totally be into you.  So we keep you as a human shield.

Diana – Feh.  If you cared about someone, you wouldn’t be evil.  Or something.

Sala – Your oddly worded and poorly delivered guilt trip makes me re-consider my life.

Quill – Boring!  C’mon, sexy ladies, I want to see a cat fight!

Sala – I’m up for that.

Drax – We don’t have time for that right now!  Just go kill this guy, what’s his name, whatever.  Move it already.

[[naturally enough, Kit gives the bad guys the slip, changes clothes (where the hell was he keeping his Phantom outfit anyway unless he’s the Ghost-With-A-Pocket-Dimension) and manages to hitch a ride on the airplane with Drax and Co. as they head to the Devil’s Vortex, which sounds like the name of a tile in “Forbidden Island“]]

Devil’s Vortex:
Drax – Wow, this uncharted island is great!  It looks like an old-fashioned pirate lair complete with a moat of hungry sharks!

Sala – Someone is going to get eaten by sharks and I do not want it to be me.  Diana, we should team up or else we’re not making it out of this alive.

Diana – Your inevitable betrayal of Drax works for me!

Sengh – Hey, dumb-ass, the pirate lair is full of pirates, and I’m the boss.  Who the hell are you?

Drax – Xander Drax.  Wow, that’s totally not having the awe-inspiring effect on you that I imagined.  Here, let me spell it out for you.  My names begin and end with ‘x’ and I am seriously awesome.

Sengh – I am physically incapable of looking any more disdainful of your ridiculous posturing.  Kill them all.

Quill – Wait!  I’m a member of the Sengh Brotherhood!  See the tattoo!  Also, I’ve killed the Phantom.

Sengh – Fine, fine, you live for now.  And we’ve all killed the Phantom, except for Phil in accounting, and that’s because he doesn’t get out much.  Why are you here?

Drax – I want that shiny gold skull you’ve got so I can unite the three magic skulls and rule the world.  You can help, you know, on weekends and stuff.

Sengh – If it were that easy, we would have done it already.  You need the fourth skull or the power will destroy you.

Drax – Whoa, there, what fourth skull?  There’s been no mention of this anywhere in the movie.  Surely you’ve heard of Chekhov’s Law?

Sengh – I am so not interested, but I’ll take the pretty blonde.

Diana – Ugh!

Phantom – I’ll save you!  [[thus starts a fight with the pirates as Drax waits for his moment to get the skull, Diana and Sala team up in a sexy lady duo, and Phantom feeds Sengh to the sharks because someone was going to get fed to sharks, but in the end Drax gets the skull]]  Okay, ladies, get in this mini-sub missile thing and I’ll stop Drax and Quill and follow you in a minute!

Sala – That doesn’t make any sense!

Diana – It’s better than staying here!  Probably! [[they get launched]]

Quill – I killed one Phantom and I’m going to kill me another!

Phantom – That was my father!

Quill – Wait, that’s the secret?  The Ghost-Who-Walks actually dies and his son takes over, over and over again?  You’re really just Dude-Who-Inherits-Purple-Tights?  Wow, that sure will take away from your reputation when I get back and tell everyone!  Because I’m assuming I totally live through this!

Drax – These laser beams are awesome!  [[Accidentally incinerates Quill]]  That’s still pretty awesome!  And now I’ll kill you!

Phantom – You know that thing the pirate said about the fourth skull?

Drax – I really wasn’t listening to him because it didn’t seem relevant at all.

Phantom – Oh, well, it is kind of relevant because it turns out I have this skull ring.

Drax – You’re going to fight me with that?  That’s unbelieveable!  [[unbelievable or not, that’s exactly what happens and Phantom manages to push the laser beams right back at Drax, who explodes]]

Phantom – Man, I love me these deus ex machinas.  Oh, hey, better catch that sub thingy! [[does so and is pulled to safety as the island explodes, taking the three magic skulls and a bunch of pirates with it]]

Sala – So we’re out in the middle of nowhere near the remains of an uncharted island in an area of the ocean specifically known for downing ships. How are we getting out of here again?

Phantom – Hey, next scene!

Bengalla Jungle:
Sala – What?  Hey, a seaplane.  Okay, well, whatever, I guess.

Diana – So, Kit, when are you going to tell me your identity?

Phantom – Er, so you guessed.  If I take my mask off, we have to get married.

Diana – Okay. [[he takes his mask off and they kiss]]

Phantom – Right, and now you go back to New York with the sexy lady sky pirate captain and I’ll stay here and be superhero-y and stuff.

Diana – What about getting married?

[[Diana and Sala fly off as Phantom rides through the forest/jungle looking manly]]

Actual Ghost (Narrating) – For those that came in late, my idiot son managed to let two totally awesome women get away from him, but luckily Diana had the sense to eventually come back and make him settle down and have little Phantoms.  Also, it was nice he avenged my death.  So I guess he did okay after all, except for, well, acting.

A TV/Comic Book Entry – I Heart Harley Quinn

Or at least I did, before the New 52.  Unfortunately, I can say that about a lot of DC characters.  Harley is, as I have mentioned, my favorite deranged clown-babe (although this perhaps begs the question of how many deranged clown-babes do I like…).  Like everyone else in the world, I was introduced to Harley Quinn through “Batman: The Animated Series.”  Her introduction and popularity was the opposite of Jason Todd.  Harley was meant to be a one-off character but she was so popular she migrated to the comic book canon.  Jason Todd was meant to be the new Robin and presumably stick around  for a while, but was so unpopular the writers let the fans vote on whether he lived or died (spoiler alert – he died [further spoiler alert – at least for a while]).

I’m not sure what Paul Dini and Bruce Timm were thinking when they created Harley Quinn.  She was so perfect I’m sort of surprised no one ever thought of a “Joker’s Girl Friday” before.  The fact that Joker does almost nothing but heap abuse on her throughout the series highlights more of his character.  Harley is clearly a broken individual on almost every level, and yet oddly compelling.  The animated series didn’t go too much into her origin (except for the fabulous episode adapted from a comic, “Mad Love” which is just perfect in nearly every way and I can’t believe I forget about it when I originally posted this); it focused mostly on the present.  She had a bit of character building throughout the series as well, including at one point walking out on the Joker and moving in with Poison Ivy (who gave her an immunity to all poisons and toxins).  Her relationship with Poison Ivy was left deliberately vague, but there were certainly enough hints and allegations (my own thoughts – yes, but it’s not romantic, as such).

Robin: What was she before she went bonkers?
Batman: A clinical psychiatrist.
Robin: Figures.

The comics detailed Harley’s origin as the psychiatrist Harleen Quinzel who was so chock full ‘o issues herself she fell in love with the Joker and volunteered to become his crazy sidekick.  I hearted Harley Quinn so much I actually subscribed to the “Harley Quinn” comic although I had to give it up before the run ended because I was strapped for cash at the time.  I thought it was well done.  One of my favorite parts of the comic was “Harley-vision.”  The actual artistic style changed to reflect reality as Harley saw it.  Seeing the world through Harley’s eyes made it easier to understand why the character was so dangerously violent; in some ways she really didn’t understand she was.  On the other hand, since she in fact was a trained psychiatrist, maybe the Harley-vision was her rationalizing away the terrible things she had done.  The only thing about the art that bothered me was that Harley was a gymnast but was drawn way too voluptuous.  Unfortunately, that’s a common complaint with comics.  Some people liked the Harley Quinn solo series, some didn’t; but I enjoyed them.

I even enjoyed other animated versions of Harley (as I may have mentioned, I’ve watched almost all the “Batman” I can).  I liked her in cameo episodes in other shows in the DCAU (like “Static Shock” or the “Superman” series).  It’s important to note she’s not just the Joker’s distaff counterpart.  She’s a companion, yes, but her character is more complicated than just the Joker in drag.  She’s perky and bouncy and it’s so hard to take her seriously until she tries to smash Batman’s face in with a mallet.  She’s not one of the quiet ones, but the danger of Harley Quinn is along the same lines – she’s not the one a hero thinks they need to worry about.  In fact, she’s come closer to killing Batman than the Joker ever did.  And unlike the Joker, she can pretend to be sane, which makes her a good henchwoman.

Harley: You think I’m just some dumb blonde.  Ha!  Well, the joke’s on you!  I’m not even a blonde!

Now, if it seems hypocritical I advocate my liking of Harley Quinn when I have derided the way other women in comics are portrayed, allow me to posit this argument – Harley is supposed to be broken.  There is no doubt that however good or ambitious or clever Harley once was, her interaction with the Joker has left her a dangerous psychotic.  Her relationship with the Joker is the most extreme outcome of the actual consequences the “All Girls Want Bad Boys” trope results in.  Harley is not held up as a hero or role-model.  She’s clearly broken and her appeal is much the same as any anti-hero (see, I’m not actually opposed to a good anti-hero; at least not in moderation).  In my opinion, one of the best summaries of their relationship (if you don’t have time or access to “Mad Love”) comes from ItsJustSomeRandomGuy and his parody of “Twilight.”  This video clip manages to highlight everything that’s wrong with “Twilight” and incidentally pretty much encapsulates the actual dynamic of Harley’s relationship with the Joker.  Audiences (or at least me) cheer for Harley to assert herself and break free of the Joker’s influence (or Ivy’s influence) and be truly independent, even if that means she’s still a villain.  And yet she never does and in general the writers have been honest about that.

Of course, then there’s the New 52.  Her classic and distinctive harlequin-inspired costume was replaced with another generic goth-wannabe get-up.  By the way, while the picture I linked to in artistic conventions is a great example of color-blocking nudity, this picture of the new Harley is almost as bad, although now that’s because it falls into both stripperiffic and “is that even a costume.”  I’m not saying I don’t think Harley wouldn’t wear a corset top and a pair of Daisy Dukes (she wore something similar in “Harley’s Holiday“).   I’m just saying it’s not a costume; it’s what’s left on the rack after Hot Topic has a sale.  Worse, much of the character was changed and not for the better (again, her origin became much more generic and uninteresting except for all the sex that was added [hm, I just realized I could be talking about Starfire as well]).  I’m also not saying Harley wouldn’t have sex; I just don’t like the emphasis on it rather than her character, which she really doesn’t have anymore.  The New 52 makes me so sad sometimes.

I’m going to go watch “Harley’s Holiday” and “Harlequinade” to cheer myself up.  Harley would want me to have a smile on my face.

A Writing Entry – Editorial Eye

Editing is one of the necessary evils of writing.  I have already lamented about my embarrassment in trusting the automatic spell-checker, so you know I take editing very seriously.  In fact, I was editing before I really got into writing (freshman English papers, to be precise).  This makes me doubly embarrassed that I was lured into such a false sense of security by the automatic spell-checker.  That, however, is an old rant and this is the new rant.

Once a story has reached a certain level of completeness (one hopes anyway), this initial draft must be edited.  Obviously spelling and grammar are the first items on the editorial checklist but those are also the easier items to check.  Spelling and grammar have rules.  Everything else involved in writing is kind of subjective (which eventually leads to the art critic, but that’s another rant).  It is also very useful to get someone else to read over your work to find things you, as the author, just don’t see.  So what are the items I try to check for after I am satisfied the words are spelled correctly and no commas are spliced?

1) Double-check the spell-checker (a hard lesson learned indeed).  Obscure words or profession-specific words (such as “fibromyalgia” and “hydrofluoric”) may not be flagged by some spell-checkers or if they are, well, the offered “corrections” may not be close to the original word and can result in some very odd sentences.

2) Double-check the grammar-checker.  Grammar-checkers don’t like long sentences even if they are grammatically correct.  Sometimes they also can miss tense agreements and subject-verb agreements if you happen to have misspelled a word or two (or simply forgot to add the “s” to make a word plural).  Also check if your noun-pronouns match gender.  The grammar-checker doesn’t know “Joan” is supposed to a female and therefore your misspelling “she” as “he” is not going to be caught.

3) Check for consistency.  I often change things as I write and sometimes I forget to make those changes earlier in the story.  If, for example, you’ve changed your character’s name from “Joanne” to “Joan” you better check that you’ve got it changed everywhere in the story.  The “find” function is useful for this, but if you accidentally misspelled “Joan” as “Joann” then the “find” may not catch it.  Another person can be helpful in this step.

4) Review dialogue to make sure you know who’s speaking.  A short-cut in writing dialogue is to use the name once and then use pronouns (as in “he asked” and “she answered”).  But sometimes it’s easy to forget who’s speaking, especially when both speakers are the same gender.  If you as the author get mixed up about who’s speaking when, then the reader has no chance of sorting it out.  Another person is very useful in this step.

5) Review exposition.  This is a hard one and often better done by another person.  Of course, what I get out of that person depends on how dedicated they are to helping me write better.  Ideally, I’d ask them to read over my work and then ask them some basic questions about the work I assume are obvious.  For example, “How old is Joan?”  “Where does Joan live?”  “What does Joan look like?”  “Does Joan have any family?”  This can let me know if I’ve left out some crucial information that was so obvious in my head and in my notes (“What’s a mage?” my helpful literature teacher parent asked me once…).  Like I said, how useful the other person is depends on their willingness to help you.  No one really likes to write book reports, and I’d basically be asking them to write a book report on my work.  But it is really helpful.

6) Review basic plot elements.  By this I mean make sure you as the author didn’t forget some crucial bit of exposition or description or something like that.  Again, enlist help.  If I have a twist ending, for example, and my reviewer(s) saw it coming on page 10 of my 300 page novel, maybe I need to re-work a few things.  But if I have a twist ending and they have no idea where the hell that ending came from, maybe I need to re-work a few things.  Remember Chekhov’s Law – the gun in Act I must be fired in Act III and if there is a gun fired in Act III it should have been mentioned in Act I.

None of these steps are, to me, the same as soliciting criticism.  The editorial review is to check for consistency and for quality control.  I want my work to be as free from obvious technical flaws as possible before I solicit feedback on more subjective matters, which is a topic for another posting.

A Comic Book Entry – Cyclops is Magneto, and That is a Problem

Or, “The Dark Ages II: Running the Asylum”

Or, “Yes, another comic book rant because that’s what my Muse says I write and who am I to argue?”

TvTropes has a good article on their wiki about the Dark Ages of Comics, although there is some ambiguity about the Dark Ages ended, or if it even ended.  My supposition is that the Dark Ages has not ended, and that comics are in the sequel to the Dark Ages with the bonus trope of Running the Asylum.  This, I think, is not necessarily a good thing.  Fans grow up and of course they would want to get into the business and enough time has passed virtually all comic books are actually fan fiction.  But more than that, the people running the business are fans too and sometimes when the fate of their beloved childhood characters are in their hands, they can’t resist reshaping the world they way they always wanted.  And for some reason, they wanted it darker, so darker it is.

First, I would like to state that I don’t actually think the Dark Ages of Comics was a bad thing to happen to the media.  The general readership had matured because society was changing, and the two accepted metrics of maturity in a mainstream media, sex and violence (whether or not those are good metrics is a different discussion), had become more pervasive and more normal.  In the late ’80s, comics started to incorporate more sex and violence and in the early ’90s went all out.  Again, this was not a bad thing.  As the trope page states, both good and bad things came from this dark period and the media was forever changed.  Also, sales went up for a bit and that’s always good for businesses.  But I think the continued Darkening and Edgening is not so good.

Soft retcons make it easy to run the asylum and DC in particular has gone gangbusters on the reboot bandwagon since about 2000, which is when some people say the Dark Ages ended.  I disagree that’s when the Dark Ages ended because that’s when Marvel introduced the Ultimates Universe which gave every single character a huge heapin’ helpin’ of Darker and Edgier.  Case in point, the poor abused Cyclops.  I may have mentioned in the 616 universe he was practically orphaned at a young age and ended up in an orphanage run by this guy and later forced to engage in bank robberies.  Apparently, being raised in an orphanage run by this guy(!) just wasn’t dark enough and so it was heavily hinted at if not outright stated that part of his stay with the criminals involved underage prostitution.  DC case in point – In the New 52, Barry Allen’s happy origin of ascended fanboy has been replaced by archnemesis framing his father for the murder of his mother thus giving him incentive to fight crime.  I won’t even go into the many and frequent retcons of Cassandra Cain (a Batgirl); who may or may not exist anymore.

I also think it’s pretty telling that DC chose to keep Jason Todd in the New 52 even though he had a short run as Robin in which he was so unlikeable the fans voted to kill him and was only brought back to life to torment Batman.  Basically, they kept a psychopath with a complicated backstory that they would have to work into their very compressed timeline and I can only think they did this because they felt they really needed another gritty anti-hero in their cast of characters.  I should also point out as far as running the asylum goes, many of the head honchos that ran Marvel during the ’90s have migrated to DC, so in some ways DC is literally the sequel to the Dark Ages I.  Marvel wasn’t necessarily much better in their treatment of the Ultimates where even Captain America, that paragon of virtue, was a borderline chauvistic jerk and the Hulk was actually a cannibal.  Henry Pym actually managed to be a worse husband.  Do not ask about Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch.  Also, Reed Richards in the Ulti-verse essentially turned into Dr. Doom.

I know Darker and Edgier isn’t necessarily a new trend.  Batman is one of the original superheroes.  Nightwing/Robin (Dick Grayson) showed up in the 1950s, I believe.  Outside of the Bat-family, poor, poor Speedy/Arsenal (Roy Harper) went through hell and back again and he was introduced n the 1940s (the famous heroin addiction was in the 1970s).  The Punisher was first introduced in the 1970s.  But I think since the Dark Age of Comics, this trend has become more pronounced.  Barbara Gordon was paralyzed in 1988 and the darkening hasn’t really let up.  Around that same time, Black Canary was brutally assaulted and lost (temporarily) her sonic powers and was rendered unable to have children.  Also by this time, the Punisher had three comic books (although they all were cancelled in the mid-1990s).  As the trope page tagline says, “In 1993 Superman died and Venom had his own comic book.”  That’s pretty telling.

But in Running the Asylum, even originally stand-up good guy types are slowly getting turned into Wolverine.  See Barry Allen above.  Welcome back, Barry!  And Cyclops.  Poor, poor Cyclops.  Once the Marvel poster Boy Scout and now basically the new Magneto (even though there is still the old Magneto running around too).  Hell, Cyclops’ wife and poster Good Girl got a bridge dropped on her so his new girlfriend could also be an anti-hero (as well as an Ice Queen).  Are there no nice guys left?  Spider-man’s marriage was confiscated because the editor running the asylum hated that marriage and has been thoroughly transformed into a whiny loser (yes, I know, he was always whiny, but now he’s around 30 and just as shiftless as he was as a teenage which puts another layer on the loser cake).  Superboy’s origin was retconned to make him a clone mix of Superman and Lex Luthor’s DNA to up the angst factor up to 11.  Bart Allen (the formerly fun Impulse) has been erased from existence as far as I can tell.  Black Canary in the New 52 appears to run a group of renegades instead of being associated with the Bat-family.  And because Wolverine is so popular, he ended up with two children running around who both have horrible dark and mysterious pasts, and his son (last I knew) wanted to kill him.  And good guys like Nightcrawler and Banshee are pretty well dead while the quirky, chipper Starfire is transformed into a soulless alien sex-machine.

I think somewhere in the Dark Ages writers got used to writing anti-heroes.  I don’t know if the creative teams forgot how to write true heroes or just decided that was totally boring and they liked blood and violence and sex much better.  Or perhaps they think that’s what fans want.  Or maybe that’s what fans want and I’m just weird.  Or because Batman.  I’m not opposed to anti-heroes as narrative devices.  I’m not opposed to dark and mysterious backstories and characters as long as that’s not the only kind of backstory and character.  But at some point the anti-hero became the main type of hero.  At some point the JLA became more like the Authority.  At some point everyone ended up with a dark past.  At some point the ascended fanboy was retconned from existence.  At some point Cyclops became Magneto.

A Writing Entry – A Note on Organization

A note to my readers – I generally try to post new blogs on weekends and on Wednesdays.  Someday I hope to post more frequently but I may not be able to do that until I figure out how to get more than 24 hours in a day.  Okay, on to today’s rant!

Ugh.  Sometimes I feel the most labor-intensive part of writing is keeping notes, and I’m writing fiction.  I have commented before that I don’t like doing research, but on the other hand, I’m not going to trust I can keep track of everything in my stories without some external notes.  Few people are that organized and I am certainly not one of them (there is a stereotype of a writer’s office being covered with paper and dirty dishes; I will not confirm or deny this stereotype but I will say it may be time to clean my desk).  I love love love having a computer to keep track of all this stuff for me.  I can’t imagine trying to keep actual dead tree sheets in an organized fashion.  I mean, I did at one time (having attended school) but I’ve fallen out of the practice (and my handwriting is only slightly more legible than actual chicken-scratch).

I may have also mentioned I have a somewhat fevered writer’s brain (think hyperactive hamster on a wheel) and a fickle Muse that inspires me to write all the wrong things at the wrong times.  This means I’m generally working on several stories at once and must try to keep all of that straight.  Did I mention I am somewhat disorganized?

I have tried writing from an outline.  My literature teacher parent encouraged writing from an outline, but I think only as a tool for critical essays.  I haven’t had much luck in fiction writing from an outline.  This means when I get a great idea (or at least an idea I think is great at the time, which of course depends on how much caffeine and/or alcohol I have imbibed), I write it down in one of my many notes files.  If it’s just a random idea, it goes in the “random file.”  If it’s an idea for a part of a story I am already working on, I put it in the story’s notes files with a description of where it might actually fit in the story (assuming of course it doesn’t fit in with what I’ve already written).  If I get enough cogent bits, I may be able to string those together into coherent story.  But mostly I just end up with a random assortment of ideas (sometimes just story ideas, sometimes characters, sometimes bits of dialogue).  So my Muse is somewhat like a magpie – she likes piles of shiny bits of fiction.  Lousy Muse.  I just don’t think very linearly when it comes to stories.  I usually have a beginning, middle, and ending in mind but I don’t know if that correlates to parts A, B, and C which are easy to connect or if I’ve got parts A, G,  and R, which obviously are less easy to connect.

I’m not sure how other authors approach outlines and note-taking.  Tolkien’s works are almost nothing but notes.  I’ve read that Rowling kept copious notes of her fictional universe before getting the chance to actually write down the story.  I can only assume by the sheer amount of books and detail that Robert Jordan kept entire encyclopedias of his universe.  I assume many newbie authors may not keep such notes because they don’t know what’s going to be a hit.  Even seasoned authors may be caught by surprise as what work demands a sequel.  I have noticed some inconsistencies in the “Discworld” novels, but given how many there are, I think Pratchett does a good job keeping everything straight, even when it’s obvious he could not have possibly planned for so many different novels and so many different world threads.  I wish comic book writers would take better notes, but I suppose that’s for another rant.

I honestly wish at times I had planned ahead better.  When I wrote Necromancy for the Greater Good, I was toying around with the idea of a sequel but I didn’t have any firm ideas.  Now I wish I had at least planned for it so I could have put in some hints that the first thirteen stories would be interconnected with others.  Now that I am actually working on a sequel, I am making notes of where I can put in future stories and even including foreshadowing of those future stories.  However, I am afraid it will make “Necromancy” look less polished compared to future “Nevermore” works.  But sometimes I guess that’s just how it goes.

Okay, enough ranting.  Time to clean off my desk and get more organized (or at least try to).

A Comic Book Entry – Thoughts on Super-Costumes

or, “Being Edna Mode”

One might get the impression after reading Tyrant-in-Chief Part 5 and artistic conventions that I don’t like super-costumes too much.  That is not true.  I love super-costumes.  It’s a fantasy and I get that and in general I’m totally willing to suspend my disbelief about what real people with superpowers might actually wear because Batman!  Or Wolverine.  Comics are a visual medium first and a good costume is one of the best ways to make an impression on a reader.

One of my favorite things about the late City of Heroes/Villains game was the costume creator.  It was very obvious to me that the developers were comic book fans and understood the importance of costumes.  Costumes slots had to be unlocked as achievements.  The right to wear a cape was a set of missions in and of itself.  The use of auras was also a mission.  New costume sets were released on a regular basis.  This was a tricky thing, I thought, because CoH/V had to watch out for copyright infringement (in the early days, I saw some players who had come very close to looking like a copyrighted character).  But they had everything a superhero/villain could want.  The body type could be altered from tiny to huge (for both male and female).  Facial features could be altered.  The color palate covered about everything.  There were tons of patterns to put on a polyspandexylon paint body stocking.  There were different hair styles, masks, accessories, pants, shirts,  trench coats, armor, capes, wings, demon horns…  The color of powers could be changed and characters’ weapons could be customized as well (swords, guns, claws, all of them).  It was awesome.

And I loved making all the costumes for my characters.  They all started out with a look related to their name and as I unlocked more slots, I created more specific costumes.  For example, my storm defender’s first look was blue and gray with lightning streaks (very 1960s).  The next look was the over-the-top ’80s with bright-tinted lightning powers.  Then came the darker and edgier ’90s look (with a trench coat of course) and dark-tinted lightning powers, and then a storm god look (I had an awesome lightning aura by then), and finally an update on the original 1960s look.  I will admit; I created a villainess and put her in stripperiffic costume because, well, sometimes I’m subject to these tropes too.  She was a demon, so I thought the stripperiffic look would work.  And yes, she was a brawler-type so she was kicking in high heels.  No, she couldn’t fly.  But she was my only character with stripperiffic costumes.  And I’ve argued some villainesses can get away with those kinds of costumes.

So don’t get me wrong; I love super-costumes.  That’s probably why I think about them so much, both in the context of a marketable medium and in the context of the world.  Costumes ought to be iconic (believe me, I spent a lot of time on my characters’ costumes).  I think every artist that takes on a character has hopes that their look will become the look everyone associates with the character.  Some costumes are so definitive that anyone looking at the character can guess exactly what their power is without even knowing the character’s name (Green Arrow comes to mind; even without the quiver and bow he looks so much like Errol Flynn’s “Robin Hood” I think most anyone would guess he was an archer).  Even if a costume is not quite as literal an interpretation of the hero/villain’s name, it should at least be distinctive (i.e., someone should recognize the outfit as a costume).  I also completely understand the urge to put a super-sexy supervillainess/heroine in something stripperiffic, but I think that really shouldn’t be the norm.

I also understand sometimes artists are bound by years and years of artistic canon.  The artist for Spider-man is only allowed to change so much about the costume because it is already so distinctive and iconic.  This is also why it’s unlikely Wonder Woman is ever going to wear pants.  Love or hate the over-the-top patriotic look of the 1940s, that aspect of her costume is just never going to go away.  I do sympathize with artists who really want to take a character’s look in a different direction and just aren’t allowed.

Fashions of the time also influence super-costumes, and not always for the best.  As mentioned, the only way Wonder Woman’s costume makes any sense is knowing when she made her debut.  Here’s a picture of Power Man and one of Dazzler.  Can you guess what decade they were introduced?  Of course!  These pictures couldn’t scream 1970s more loudly unless they were actually screaming.  Here’s a picture of Storm.  Can you guess what decade this look was introduced?  Yep, the punk look of the 1980s.  But I heart Storm and I think she pulls it off well enough.  Some artists also have a flair that they like to include in all their characters which may or may not improve the look of the costume.

In summary, I like super-costumes.  I wish I could draw because I would totally draw superheroes/villains in costumes of my own design (I’m beginning to think this is why DeviantArt was created).  City of Heroes/Villains allowed me to live that dream for awhile with the costume creator.  Some current costumes I love and some I hate.  And in a lot of ways, I think artists can do better, but I think sometimes they’re bound by publishing history or locked into artistic convention and just don’t think about what they’re really drawing.  And of course a lot of love or hate for a costumes comes down to taste.  Still, I think even a terrible stripperiffic, impractical, but distinctive costume is better than some generic get-up that doesn’t look remotely super.

A Writing Entry – Hanging Out a Shingle

By the way, if you wonder why I liberally pepper my blogs with links instead of pictures, there are two reasons for this: 1) I don’t know who owns the copyright and don’t want to accidentally violate that and 2) I am perhaps slightly long-winded on occasion and if I were to post all the pictures in my blog it would take forever and day to load up, and no one likes slow-loading websites.  I hope you lovely readers are alright with this arrangement.

“Hanging out a shingle” is an expression that means “to start one’s own business” (usually law or medicine) but it can also generally mean going into business for yourself.  The expression also seems to imply a certain lack of skill, i.e., if you’ve got the skills, why can’t you get a job at an already existing firm?  For artists, that means, “why can’t you find a publisher or agent?”  So as every artist is usually in business for themselves, that’s a lot of shingles being hung out.

Writers in particular find it easy to hang a shingle out because unlike many arts (and despite my country’s abysmal literacy rate), pretty much everyone is taught the basic skills of reading and writing.  Aside from some finger-painting in kindergarten, I never got a formal art class.  I could join orchestra or band, so that was something.  Still, in general, most arts have a technical aspect to them that most people simply do not learn without actually seeking out a way to learn those skills.

Writing seems like a pretty simple art, technically speaking, compared to most of the other arts.  Again, part of this is because everyone has the basics.  But it’s hard to quantify the technical aspects of writing beyond correct spelling, punctuation, and grammar.  What is the art of crafting dialogue?  Of successful but not intrusive exposition?  Of proper description and context?  It’s a lot easier, I think, to discuss such aspects about other arts.  I have some idea of what sloppy brushstrokes in painting would look like, or uneven glazing on a ceramic pot, or the wrong tempo in a sonata, or when an actor flubs his lines.  I know poor dialogue and characterization when I read it, but it’s hard to explain exactly where the technical flaws are.  This doesn’t stop me from trying, of course.

So this means there are a lot of people who want to be writers, and the publishing industry is hard to break into at the best of times, and this is not the best of times.  As I have said before, lack of skill is not the reason it’s hard for artists to get into the industry either.  Writers have almost no choice but to hang a shingle out, as it were.  That used to mean self-publishing (also called vanity press).  Now it can mean going through online publishers which don’t quite have the stigma associated with self-publishing (that is, it’s not seen as vanity press).  I like the online publishing, but it sure means there are a lot of shingles getting hung out, which makes it even harder for mine to get noticed.  Hanging a shingle out is no more a guarantee of quality than getting published.

I’m trying to do the writer equivalent of pounding the pavement to try to find clients by having this blog and a Facebook page.  I also regularly contribute to an online magazine, which at least is more of my work getting out into the internets.  Also, I have a day job so my very existence doesn’t depend on my success at writing.  I don’t know if that makes it easier or harder to hang the shingle out.  I don’t really lose anything if no one downloads (and maybe one day exchanges money for) my writing, so maybe I don’t push myself as hard as I could to really try to make a go of this.

Well, I’ll figure that out.  In the meantime, thank you dear readers for taking a chance and reading my stuff.  The internet can be such a scary place, and I personally have known writers who have hung out shingles and I can only cringe when I think of the people who decided to take a look at their work.  I know criticism is inevitable, but criticism also means interest, and in that case I’m okey-dokey fine with criticism (as long as it’s constructive).  I will continue to work on making my little place of business more attractive to future readers too.

A Comic Book Entry: Artistic Conventions – Super-Costumes

Buckle up, lovely readers, because this is a long rant and chock full ‘o links!

And I’m not talking about cosplay here.  I’m talking about the oddities of superhero costumes that we readers take for granted to the point we forget these people aren’t actually wearing uniforms; i.e., artistic convention (as opposed to narrative convention).  They don’t actually have to wear what they are wearing.  Yes, there will be ranting about superheroines, but sometimes the superheroes wear ridiculous things too.  So I’m splitting this up into brief (ha) discussions of some of the common conventions.

Fifteen-minute Movie – The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

or, “Tales of Middle-Earth, Part 1 of 3, With Some Stuff Concerning a Hobbit”

Hobbiton (Present):
Frodo – Hi Uncle Bilbo!

Old Bilbo – Why are you here?

Frodo – To establish continuity with the Lord of the Rings trilogy.  Okay, I’m going away now to meet Gandalf!

Old Bilbo – I guess I better write down all my adventures before the party tonight.  Well, I don’t have a lot of time before Gandalf gets here so I’d better make sure this is brief and to the point.  So of course I’ll start with the history of the dwarves…

Erebor (Way Far Flashback):
Old Bilbo (narrating): So once upon a time the dwarves had an awesome kingdom called Erebor in a lone mountain by a town of men called Dale.  They mined, which was cool, and they found a really awesome gem that the king stuck in his throne for some reason.  Dwarves.  Anyway, everything was great until this one very bad day…

Thorin – My dwarf-sense is tingling.

Random Dwarf – Just because the wind died and the weather turned ominous doesn’t mean something awful is going to happen…

Thorin – DRAGON!!!

Random Dwarf – Wow, boy was I wrong.

[[many a dwarf gets incinerated, chomped, crushed, smashed, or otherwise killed but a lot get out including the old king; also, just for kicks, the dragon takes out Dale because dragons are #@$%ers like that]]

Random Dwarf – Why is there an army of wood elves waiting on that ridge?

Thorin – To help us fight the dragon!

Random Dwarf – Erm, no, that doesn’t make any sense.  To have an army here now they would have mobilized days ago.  The dragon took us completely by surprise and showed up like two hours ago!  There hasn’t been enough time to send for help much less have an army show up!

Thorin – Well, they’re turning their backs on us anyway so I’m going to hate elves forever.

Random Dwarf – Okay, look, even if their being here to help made any sense, what are they going to do against a dragon if our entire kingdom couldn’t do anything except get killed in myriad ways?

Thorin – Let’s not talk sense and just move on.

Hobbiton (Flashback but not So Far Back as the Erebor Flashback):
Bilbo – Ah, it’s a lovely day.  Please note that while I am not Ian Holm, I’m doing a pretty good impression.  Don’t you think, old guy dressed in grey?

Gandalf – I’m going to be a bit of a dick to you before telling you my name because wizards do that.

Bilbo – Gandalf?  Oh, the fireworks guy?  See how I established continuity with LOTR?  So what brings you by?

Gandalf – I need your help for an adventure.

Bilbo – Hobbits don’t go on adventures or do anything remotely interesting ever.

Gandalf – You are going on an adventure!

Bilbo – Absolutely no thank you but do drop in for tea something.  Thank you good morning. [[slams door]]  That was close!   I almost had something possibly interesting nearly happen in my life!  I think I need a snack to get over the shock.

[[Later a whole bunch of dwarves show up at Bilbo’s house with no explanation; they tuck in and eat all his food and drink all his beer; Bilbo show his displeasure by refusing to change out of his dressing gown]]

Bilbo – I am very cross!  Why the hell are you guys at my house anyway?

Gandalf – I invited them over.  This is their leader, Prince Thorin Oakenshield.  And these other guys are, um, Old Dwarf Who Is Balin Probably, Kili, Fili, um, Crazy Hat Dwarf, and, well, anyway, their names aren’t important.

Other Dwarves – Hey!

Gandalf – What’s important is you know who Thorin is and that you are going on an adventure!

Bilbo – Okay, well, Thorin has quite a distinct noble countenance but I’m not going on any damn adventures and I’ll thank you to finish up and leave!

Thorin – We’ll sing a traditional dwarven ballad and you’ll change your mind, although I’m not sure why we want you to come along anyway.

Gandalf – He’ll make a good burglar, although without the backstory in the book and no narration to explain, it doesn’t really make any sense why I think that.

Bilbo – And if you think some song is going to make me change my mind… [[the dwarves sing a sad ballad lamenting their lost kingdom]]  …that might do it.  Let me see that adventuring contract.  [[reads over the contract]]  Dragon!  How on Middle-earth do you expect to kill the dragon?!?

Old Dwarf Who is Balin Probably- Eh, he’s probably dead.

Bilbo – But what if he’s not?  Listen, 14 may be a lucky number but it’s going to be worth squat against a dragon!

Old Dwarf Who is Balin Probably – We’ll think of something.

Bilbo – [[does the only sensible thing and passes out; later he comes to]]  I am so not doing this.

Gandalf – You so are or there’s no movie.

Bilbo – Really?  I was getting the impression this movie was more about that dwarven Aragorn stand-in than me.

Gandalf – No, no, it’s really all about you.  It says so in the title.  So I’m going to make some inspiring speech about how you can be more than you are and how this adventure will do you good.

Bilbo – I’m sorry, did you miss the part about the dragon?

[[however, despite all common sense Bilbo decides to join the adventuring party]]

Bilbo – Hey, don’t tell me we have to walk to the Lonely Mountain?

Thorin – Hell no!  There will be no damn walking.  We are so done with walking through Middle-Earth.  So, we have ponies, which is not lame because as dwarves we really aren’t quite big enough to ride horses, so this is the only practical way to go.

Bilbo – Riiiiight.  So, Gandalf, are you going to kill the dragon?

Gandalf – Hell no.

Bilbo – Um, are there any other wizards, you know, ones that could actually kill a dragon?

Gandalf – No.  I’m the best you’ve got.  And speaking of other wizards…

Greenwood Forest:
[[…let’s meet Radagast the Brown who did not appear in this book but is in this movie and while he did appear in the book “Fellowship of the Ring” did not appear in that movie]]

Radagast – There’s blood and dead animals everywhere.  That never happens in a forest!  Also, I have bird crap all over my face!

[[Radagast proves he’s both powerful and crazy by using powerful magic to heal a sick hedgehog of all things and then goes to find the source of evil in the forest, which he finds]]

Radagast – I have to go tell someone about this evil living in my forest!  This so urgent I don’t have the time to wash the bird crap off of my face!

Burnt-out Farm:
[[Thorin and Co. commence with the leisurely ride through Middle-Earth which sadly does not go much faster than walking; everything seems to go pretty well until they decide to camp at a burnt-out farm for the evening]]

Gandalf – This is not a good place to camp.

Thorin – Whatever.

Gandalf – Fine, you stubborn dwarf!  I’m leaving!

Thorin – Fine!  Be that way!

Bilbo – Is there any particular reason they’re fighting like this?

Old Dwarf Who Is Balin Probably – Prince Thorin has some serious issues.  I’ll relate them to you now.

Bilbo – Don’t tell me this is going to another flashback.

Old Dwarf Who Is Balin Probably – Okay, I won’t tell you that.

Moria (Flashback):
Old Dwarf Who Is Balin Probably (narrating) – So after the dragon chased us out of Erebor, we decided to re-take Moria because it seemed like a really good idea at the time to decimate our already decimated population.

Bilbo – Wait, wait, I thought in the books only Thorin’s crazy dad went into Moria.

Old Dwarf Who Is Balin Probably – Just shut up and listen, okay?  So the whole group of dwarves went to reclaim Moria and Thorin’s grandfather got killed by the pale orc Azog and his dad went crazy.  Thorin tried to avenge his grandfather which is how he got the nickname “Oakenshield” but he only maimed Azog and didn’t quite kill him.

Bilbo – That’s pretty tragic.  Good thing we don’t have to worry about that Azog guy.  I mean, that was decades ago and I’m pretty sure there was no orcish vendetta thing in the book.

Old Dwarf Who Is Balin Probably – Sure, you keep thinking that.

Burnt-out Farm, Later:
Bilbo – Hey, Kili and Fili, I brought you some food.

Kili/Fili – Hey, you did learn our names!

Bilbo – No, I actually just guessed because I vaguely remember in the book Kili and Fili were the youngest and often were used as scouts.  I actually have no idea which one of you is which.  Besides Old Dwarf Who Is Balin Probably and Crazy Hat Dwarf, for all I know those other guys might be named Sleepy, Happy, Dopey, Grumpy, Sneezy, Doc, and Bashful.

Fili/Kili – Well, it’s a long movie, so I’m sure you’ll figure out who we all are.  By the way, our ponies have been stolen by trolls so you as the burglar have to go free our ponies.

Bilbo – What?!?

Kili/Fili – That’s what we hired you for.

Bilbo – I knew I should have read the fine print.  [[he sneaks into the troll encampment and finds three trolls; of course he totally fails to free the ponies and ends up getting all the other dwarves captured]]

Thorin – If we live through this, I’m going to kill the burglar.

Bilbo – No, no, I’ll fix this.  I know!  I’ll distract the trolls by causing them to fight amongst each other.

Thorin – And then what?

Bilbo – I don’t know but you won’t get eaten right away, okay?

Troll 1 – We aren’t going to fall for that old trick.  We aren’t stupid.  [[yes, they are that stupid and yes, they do fall for that old trick]]

Gandalf – Right, now to get all the XPs for the troll kill.  [[cracks open a rock to reveal sunlight which turns the trolls to stone]]  And now let’s loot the stash!  [[stash is looted and they find totally awesome elvish swords]]

Thorin – I’m not carrying anything Elvish.

Gandalf – This is a +5 vorpal and keen sword you idiot!  And it’s got the goblin bane property too!  Just because you hate elves doesn’t mean you shouldn’t wield this thing.  Look, I’m not too proud to take one of these things.  They’re awesome!

Bilbo – Well, even though I have never ever picked up a sword in my life and don’t know the first thing about wielding one, I’ll take this little dagger as a short sword.

Thorin – Fine, fine, I’ll take the elvish blade.  But I’m not talking to any damn elves about my map.  They betrayed my people, so I hates them forever.  Let’s get going.

Radagast – Wait a minute!  I have something terribly important to tell Gandalf!

Gandalf – You’d couldn’t have taken five minutes to wash your face?

Radagast – No!  I found an evil blade at the necromancer’s place.  He’s totally making the forest evil.

Gandalf – That’s very important now could you go wash that bird crap off of your face?

Crazy Hat Dwarf – We’re being run down by wargs!  It doesn’t make any sense why they’re chasing us.

Radagast – You run!  I’ll distract them with my magic rabbit sled!

Bilbo – I’m sorry, I thought you said “magic rabbit sled” but that would be beyond ridiculous.  [[Radagast rides off on his magic rabbit sled and fails to clean off his face]]  Gandalf, I’m sorry I accused you of not being a very good wizard.

Gandalf – Thank you.  Now follow me! [[they follow Gandalf to a hidden cave entrance and the wargs and their riders are apparently just too stupid to look behind the rock; elves conveniently chase the warg riders off leaving Thorin and Co. alone]]  Okay everyone follow me.  I know a secret way that will keep the orcs off our backs.

Rivendell:
Thorin – Damn it, you tricked me into talking to some damn elves.

Gandalf – Can you read that map to figure out how to open the secret door?

Thorin – Um, no.

Gandalf – Well, I can’t either so if you want to be able to use it you’d better suck up your prejudice and ask Elrond to help you read it.  Anyway, Elrond’s not even part of the same kingdom of elves you’re mad at!

Thorin – Whatever.

Elrond – Hey, Gandalf, long time no see.  I was just killing a bunch of orcs because I’m kind of awesome like that.  So, what’s with the adventuring party?  Need a few more XPs to level up?

Gandalf – Totally.  Also, we need you to read this ancient dwarf map.

Elrond – I love ancient maps.  Hey, by the way, those are some nice swords you guys picked up.  Follow me to my special elfy rune-reader thing. [[leads Thorin, Gandalf, and for some reason Bilbo to a special room with a back-lit crystal rock]]  Okay, well, this is cool. There are some moon runes and by a spectacular coincidence they can be read by the moon we’re looking at tonight.  So here’s the way to open the secret door, as long as you get to it under exactly these circumstances.

Bilbo – What are the odds we’re going to get to the mountain under exactly those circumstances?

Thorin – Better than you think.

Rivendell, Council:
[[Gandalf finds Elrond in a meeting with Saruman and Galadriel concerning grave matters]]

Gandalf – So Radagast thinks the necromancer is a greater evil, if you know what I’m ominously hinting at.

Saruman – Radagast is an idiot and there is absolutely nothing to worry about in Greenwood or Mirkwood or whatever that tree-hugging hippie freak wants to call it.

Elrond – Why are we even having this conversation?  No new information is revealed and this movie is long enough.

Galadriel – Don’t worry, Gandalf, I believe in you.

Gandalf – Are you hitting on me?  Because it seems like you are and you’re married!

Galadriel – Yeah, I know, it’s weird.  I’m really unclear on the purpose of anything that just transpired in this scene.

[[the dwarves get as bored as everyone else with the Council meeting and just leave]]

Misty Mountains:
[[Thorin and Co. are subjected to a terrible thunderstorm and giant boulder-throwing stone giants!  Somehow they manage to escape being crushed to death or falling to their deaths]]

Bilbo – I can’t handle this!  I’m going home!

Crazy Hat Dwarf – Look, just because Thorin said some mean things doesn’t mean you have to leave.  We like you fine.

Bilbo – Yeah, look, adventures really are not my thing and I…er, my sword appears to be glowing.  This seems like a bad thing.

[[it is a bad thing as the whole party is abruptly swallowed up by the cave and tumble six thousand feet or so down a hole and land completely unhurt and in an awkward pile]]

Goblin Cave:
Kili/Fili – This seems like a re-hash of the “heavy things fall on Gimli” gag from the trilogy.  I hope I’m wrong.

[[suddenly they are ambushed by tons of goblins who drag all the dwarves away but Bilbo manages to evade them by the cunning method of ducking; it fools all but one goblin]]

Bilbo – Oh, no, a goblin is bearing down on me in a menacing fashion and all I have to defend myself with is a sword which, as I have mentioned, never used before not even once in my life.  [[successfully defends himself against the goblin]]  Okay, so it turns out the glowing pointy end goes in the other guy.  That’s easy.  [[but they both end up taking a tumble where they another six thousands feet or so and Bilbo at least lands entirely unharmed; the goblin is not so lucky]]

Gollum’s Cave:
Gollum – Oooo, fresh meat.  [[kills the goblin in a gruesome fashion and drags it off to eat it]]

Bilbo – [[finds the One Ring (unbeknownst to him it’s bind on pick-up)]] Huh.  Out of all the obvious attempts to establish continuity to the LOTR trilogy this is the one scene that should actually be exactly the same and instead is shot differently.  That makes no sense.

Goblin Cave:
Goblin King (obviously not David Bowie) – Oh, how nice, dwarven guests!  I hate dwarves.

Fili/Kili – Dude, is that your beard?  Because it doesn’t look like a beard.  It looks like, well, um, the “berries” half of “twig-and-berries.”

Goblin King – I was going to kill you for your leader having that terrible elvish sword, but now I’m going to torture you before killing you for making fun of my beard.

Gandalf – Don’t worry, I’ll save you! [[kills the giant Goblin King]]  All right, all those XPs are mine!  Now run for it!  [[they do so in a chase sequence so physics-defying it begins to seem really cartoonish and ends with them falling down another ten thousand feet and being completely unharmed and in an awkward pile except for Gandalf]]

Thorin – Damn it, stop taking our XPs!  We need to level up too!

Crazy Hat Dwarf – Ugh, seriously, the “heavy things falling on Gimli” gag? [[the corpse of the Goblin King tops off the debris pile]]  For crying out loud!  There are better ways to establish continuity with the LOTR trilogy than making the whole group of us nothing but comic relief!

Gollum’s Cave:
Gollum – Hey, there’s something else in my cave.  What is it?

Bilbo – Bilbo Baggins, of the Shire.  I’m sure telling you my full name isn’t ill-advised in any way.

Gollum – We don’t know what is a Bagginses or a Shire.  Can we eats it?

Bilbo – I have a glowing magic elvish sword which improbably I can defend myself with!

Gollum – That is not good eating.  Maybe we can play a game with it?

Bilbo – We?  Is there someone else here?

Gollum – No, just us.  It’s been so long since we had anyone to talk to.  And if it doesn’t play a game with us, we can eats it, okay?  Okay, yes.  Will you play the riddle game with us?

Bilbo – Well, this is all kinds of creepy.  I’ll play a game with you, I guess, but if I win, you show me the way out.

Gollum – Okay, but if we win, we eats you!

Bilbo – That is a terrible bargain, but sure.  Besides, this is by far the best scene in the movie.

[[it totally is; thus commences the riddle-game in which Gollum proves he’s crazy and Bilbo proves he’s more lucky than witty but in the end he wins and manages to slip on the ring and disappear before Gollum kills him; he invisibly follows Gollum out of the cave]]

Bilbo – Okay, this guy is crazy, killed and ate that injured goblin, and threatened to eat me.  I could totally kill him right now, but for some reason I just can’t.  Anyway, what’s he going to do to me?  He’s just going to go back into that dark cave and kill goblins and never bother me again.  I guess I’ll leave him alive. [[sneaks out of the cave but Gollum realizes what happened and screams at the crane jib]]

Misty Mountains, Other Side:
Gandalf – Okay, head count everyone.  Twelve.  Really, all the dwarves managed to survive?  I’m frankly shocked.  Good thing you guys aren’t wearing red shirts.

Thorin – But the burglar isn’t here!  I’ll bet he ran off and just left us to die!  Just like he said he would before we were all captured.

Bilbo – No, I’m right here, but thanks for that vote of confidence.

Gandalf – How in the hell did you escape?

Bilbo – Um, you know, I critically succeeded on my stealth rolls.

Gandalf – Riiiiight.  But I apparently critically failed on my perception and sense motive checks.

Crazy Hat Dwarf – Can we take a breather now?

Old Dwarf Who Is Balin Probably – No, because the orcs are still after us!  It’s like they have some kind of vendetta!

Bilbo – So what do we do?  Fight the huge party of orcs or run off that cliff?

Gandalf – There are trees on that cliff.  Quick, up the trees! [[they all climb the trees which gets them away from the warg riders but really doesn’t improve the situation very much]]   Okay, how about some fireballs! [[he throws some fireballs which works until the trees catch on fire and then tip over the cliff anyway]]  Maybe I should have gone with magic missile instead.

Azog – Thorin, you and me got a score to settle.

Thorin – Right on. [[goes to engage Azog by simply walking off the burning tree while the others continue to hang on for dear life]]

Bilbo – Wait, really?  This whole darn adventure is going to end with a fight with a dragon but for some reason the director thought that a dragon wasn’t enough of a Big Bad?  Really?  Well, as long as this pale orc dies then I guess won’t be that bad; it’ll will make this movie feel like something has been accomplished.

[[Azog takes down Thorin]]

Bilbo – Ah, hell.  Well, just to prove I’m not worthless, I’ll go save Thorin.  [[manages to do so]]  Although again there were plenty of opportunities to prove my worth to Thorin in the book and therefore in the next movies so I’m not sure why the director thought there had to be even more in this movie.

Azog – Listen, you just delayed the inevitable.  There’s nothing that can save you now!

Gandalf – Actually, I just had a very productive conversation with a butterfly, which further establishes continuity with the LOTR trilogy.

Azog – I have no idea what that means.

[[it means they get saved by giant eagles who carry them away from the pale orc and all the wargs and the burning/falling tree]]

Rock Peak:
Eagle King – Rooocccc.   <-<You know, you’d think with three bloody hours of movie, the director could have showed that we are actually sentient creatures instead of looking like nothing more than trained animals you have at your beck and call>->

Gandalf – Rrrrrocc.  <-<But then there wouldn’t have been time for the Azog subplot>->

Eagle King – Reeeaarrccc.  <-<Just for that, we’re going to leave you at the top of this tall, narrow peak and make you walk all the way down>->

Crazy Hat Dwarf – Damn it!  We’re stuck walking again!

Gandalf – Oh, no, I’m going to fix that at the beginning of the next movie.  You guys are getting ponies again!

Crazy Hat Dwarf – Yay, ponies!

Bilbo – So, Thorin, have I proved my worth to you?

Thorin – Yep.  You’re totally okay by me.  And there’s the Lonely Mountain.  Clearly since this Azog was set up to be the Big Bad, we can be assured the dragon is actually dead.  I mean, what would be the point of two Big Bads?  That’s just silly.

Bilbo – And maybe I’ll even be able to figure out a way to tell the dwarves apart!  You’d think with all the efforts to tie this movie into the LOTR continuity I’d at least know which one of you is Gimli’s dad and I don’t know that.  I mean, seriously, do the rest of you even have names?

Lonely Mountain:
Smaug – Sure, the dragon is dead.  Riiiight.  But hey, they’ll figure that out soon enough.  Well, “soon” is relative, I guess.

–fade-out–