or, “In Which Everyone Ignores Alarming Warning Signs”
Scrolling exposition – So the Seperatist movement is getting stronger with the help of the Trade Federation and their droid army because it turns out the Republic doesn’t have an army although they’re working on that. It’s also rumored some guy named Dooku, yes, Dooku is helping the Seperatists.
Naboo Officer – See, no one’s trying to kill you, Senator.
[[Amidala’s ship is blown up from the inside, killing her decoy]]
Naboo Officer – Er, well, this is why you have decoys.
Amidala – Someone tried to kill me. I think it’s this Dooku guy who’s rumored to be working for the Seperatists. Or that Viceroy of the Trade Federation who hates me.
Windu – Dooku used to be a Jedi which means he’d never try to kill anyone.
Palpatine – Well, someone is trying to kill the Senator right before this crucial vote to allow the Republic to have an army. She should go back to Naboo where she is protected. I think you Jedi should assign her old friend Obi-wan Kenobi for the job. And if that Padawan has to come with him, well, I’m sure it’ll be fine.
Yoda – Not a bad idea, that is. Obi-wan her protector will be.
[[Enter Obi-wan and a nineteen year old Anakin, who is wearing black despite the fact that no Jedi ever is shown as wearing black; not Anakin at the end of the first movie, not the younglings shown later in the movie, not Obi-wan as a Padawan learner, and not any knights or masters; in short, why the hell is he wearing black?!]]
Obi-wan – No problem, we got this.
Anakin – You are totally hot and I’m no longer a little kid.
Amidala – That’s true, but I still remember you as a little kid.
Anakin – *glowering* Gee, thanks.
Amidala – So are you going to investigate who tried to kill me?
Obi-wan – No, our orders are just to protect you.
Anakin – I think we should investigate. What’s to keep the assassin from trying again?
Obi-wan – While that is a logical point, the Council told us just to protect her.
Anakin – *glowering* Well, that’s just stupid.
Obi-wan – We’re not fighting about this in front of the Senator.
Senator’s Chambers (later):
Obi-wan – So we’ll fight while she’s asleep. First of all, quit questioning my orders. I am your master!
Anakin – *glowering* Yeah, yeah, and how many times I have saved your ass because you’re still incredibly reckless?
Obi-wan – That is entirely beside the point. Also, I don’t like you spending so much time with Palpatine.
Anakin – He’s a good man.
Obi-wan – I’ve got some doubts about that. Also, I’m alarmed by your obvious feelings of attraction to Amidala. You know Jedi are all about emotional detachment.
Anakin – *creepy look* I’ve been obsessing about her since I was nine. You think being around her is going to make me not obsess? By the way, I’ve still be dreaming about my mother being in pain.
Obi-wan – While Jedi can see the future and faraway places, I’m going to dismiss your dreams as absolutely nothing to worry about. Emotional detachment, remember?
Anakin – Yeah, well, but couldn’t we have scraped up some cash to free her from slavery so I wouldn’t have these worries? I’m sure Amidala would have given us the money being the queen and all.
Obi-wan – Emotional detachment, damn it!
Anakin – *glowering* Yes, Master.
[[While the Jedi are arguing, the assassin sends a droid to sneak into Amidala’s room and kill her with poison slugs and only R2-D2 is paying any attention and even R2 seems oddly slow on the uptake]]
Obi-wan/Anakin – [[finally sensing danger]] Uh-oh!
[[The Jedi run into save Amidala so Anakin slices the slugs into pieces and Obi-wan dives out the window to grab the droid; what follows is a fairly awesome chase scene through Coruscant to track down the assassin]]
Obi-wan – Anakin, have I mentioned lately how arrogant you are?
Anakin – All the time, but your criticism might have more effect if my arrogance didn’t save your ass. Now, watch me catch that assassin.
[[Anakin jumps out of the speeder; the chase culminates outside a seedy club but of course the assassin is killed by her employer before she can name him; however, the assassin’s assassin conveniently leaves a tell-tale dart in her neck]]
Windu – Ok, so now someone should probably find out about that assassin. Obi-wan, you go investigate the assassin, and Anakin will go to Naboo with Amidala to protect her.
Obi-wan – Oh, I have a bad feeling about that. Can’t you send someone else to investigate so I can keep an eye on my Padawan?
Windu – Apparently not. You investigate, he stays with the Senator.
Amidala – Jar-jar, I’m leaving you in charge as the official Naboo representative. I don’t know why, because you are a complete idiot.
Jar-jar – Meesa important. Yaaaaay!
Anakin – I’m totally awesome and Obi-wan is just holding me back. All the Jedi are just holding me back. They suck.
Amidala – And for some reason I find your whining endearing.
Greasy Spoon Diner (because where else do you start an investigation?):
Obi-wan – Dex, can you identify this dart?
Dex – No problem. Comes from the planet of cloners. Here’s the address.
Obi-wan – Wow, that was pretty easy.
Obi-wan – Huh, there’s no planet named Kamino in our archives. What in the world could that mean? I’d better ask Yoda.
Yoda – A mystery this is. Children, your thoughts?
Adorable Jedi Youngling – If physics says the planet is there, then the archives are wrong.
Obi-wan – I never thought of that!
Yoda – Dense, you are. The data could have been erased only by a Jedi. Despite my age and wisdom, completely baffled am I to the identity of this Jedi.
Amidala – I was so awesome as queen the people tried to amend the constitution to keep me as queen.
Anakin – I hate politicians.
Amidala – Gee, thanks.
Anakin – Not all of them. I like you, for instance. I’ve been thinking about you every single moment of every single day since we met. I’m in pain without you. I have to be with you forever. Forever!
Amidala – And for some reason I find that romantic instead of really creepy and obsessive. [[they kiss]] Wow, that was not good thing to do.
Anakin – It was awesome! I’ve been dreaming about it every day since I met you.
Amidala – No! We can’t be together.
Queen – The Senator needs further protection.
Amidala – Then I’ll hide out in the country.
Anakin – Hey! I’m in charge of security here!
Amidala – Excuse me? This my home and I know where I’ll be safe, and might I remind you that I was pretty damn competent in the last movie?
Anakin – Yeah, yeah, I’m sorry.
Amidala – That’s convincing. However, this will essentially isolate me with you, which seems like a really bad idea if I want to keep my emotional distance from you.
Anakin – Oh, that’s okay then!
[[Obi-wan finds the planet right where physics says the planet is and lands]]
Cloner 1 – We’ve been expecting you, Jedi Master.
Obi-wan – You have?
Cloner 2 – Your clone army is ready, just as you ordered. It’s based off of the DNA of a bounty hunter named Jango Fett. Really, it’s a top-notch army for your Republic.
Obi-wan – I ordered? It’s ready? For the Republic?
Cloner 2 – Well, not you, but some other Jedi. Whatshisname.
Obi-wan – That guy’s been dead for like ten years.
Cloner 2 – So does that mean you don’t want the army? We don’t do refunds.
Obi-wan – Oh, no, it’s all good. Can I meet this Jango guy?
Cloner 2 – Sure, no problem.
Amidala – I value public service very highly, even when people don’t cooperate.
Anakin – When I’m a powerful enough Jedi I’ll make them cooperate whether they like it or not.
Amidala – And for some reason I don’t find that sociopathic attitude complete anathema to every value I hold.
Obi-wan – Cute kid, Jango. So tried to kill anyone lately?
Jango – No.
Obi-wan – Did Whatshisname hire you for this clone job?
Jango – No.
Obi-wan – Well, I guess I’ll leave you alone now. [[leaves]]
Jango – Boba, it’s time to get the heck out of here.
Naboo Countryside (again):
[[And Amidala is wearing her skimpiest outfit yet with a corset thing that really shows off her, um, senators]]
Anakin – We should be together. It’s all I’ve ever wanted!
Amidala – That’s a bad idea. You should stop suggesting it.
Anakin – I’m in such agony wanting to be with you all the time!
Amidala – Look, if we get together, I could lose my job, you’d get kicked out of the Jedi order, and living a lie would destroy our lives.
Anakin – Hey, I’d totally do all that if only I could be with you forever and ever and ever!
Amidala – My final answer is no. [[leaves]]
Anakin – I’ll take that as a maybe!
Obi-wan (transmission) – Ok, Council, here’s the deal. A dead Jedi ordered an army for the Republic like ten years ago when the Republic isn’t even authorized to have an army. There are a lot of questions I didn’t ask because apparently I’m really bad at being a detective. However, none of you guys saw this coming either and you’re supposed to see the future and faraway places and stuff. So what next?
Windu – *facepalm* Capture Jango and bring him here for questioning.
Obi-wan (transmission) – Right-o.
[[Anakin is awoken by dreams of his mother in pain and suffering]]
Anakin – I’m sorry, but I need to go to Tatooine and find my mother. I know promised to never leave you no matter what, but I have to do this.
Amidala – I’ll go with you. I should be as safe on Tatooine as Naboo, although admittedly this doesn’t help my cause of keeping emotional distance. Still, this is the only decent thing for a sympathetic person to do.
[[Obi-wan’s attempt to capture Jango goes pretty badly so all he can do is put a tracking device on his ship]]
Obi-wan – Man, what the hell? Why can’t I, as an awesome Jedi, bring in one freakin’ bounty hunter?
Tatoonine, a Grubby City:
Anakin – Watta, where’s my mother?
Watta – Well, normally I’d try to bargain for information but you are so creepy I’ll just tell you. I sold her to a moisture farmer named Lars. I think he freed her and married her.
Amidala – That’s nice, actually.
[[Obi-wan’s effort to capture Jango fails again although he tracks him to Geonosis]]
Obi-wan – Damn, not only am I a terrible Jedi, I’m a terrible pilot too.
Tatooine, the Moisture Farm:
Owen – Hi, I’m your step-brother and this is my girlfriend Beru. We’re just here for foreshadowing and don’t really play a part in the plot.
Anakin – Fine by me. Where’s Mom?
Lars – I’m Lars and Shmi’s husband and your stepfather.
Anakin – Yeah, yeah. Where is my mother?
Lars – Er. She was kidnapped by Tuskan Raiders. I put together a rescue party and most of us perished and I was terribly injured. I’m really sorry.
Anakin – I’m going to rescue her.
Lars – That’s suicide.
Anakin – I am not going to lose her. [[rides out to save his mother; he finds the Raider village and Shmi having nearly been tortured to death]]
Anakin – Mom? I’m here now.
Shmi – You’re all grown up and a Jedi. I can die a happy woman. [[does so]]
Anakin – Nooooo!!!! I’ll kill everyone, man, woman, and child. [[does so]]
Coruscant, Jedi Council Chamber:
Yoda – [[who can apparently feel this outburst of rage and hate]] Almost like an ominous warning of things to come this is.
Obi-wan – I’ve come all this way so it would be nice if someone would give me relevant plot information.
[[cue Dooku’s party with the Viceroy and other Seperatists in tow]]
Dooku – The droid army is almost ready to go. Viceroy, I promise Senator Amidala will be killed. The Republic doesn’t have an army, so it’ll be easy to secede from them. Did I miss any relevant plot points? No, good.
Obi-wan – Damn it, I’ve lost my long-range transmitter. I’ll send the message to Naboo and have Anakin re-transmit it. [[efforts to reach Anakin on Naboo fail]] He’s not answering. I hope nothing’s wrong.
Yoda – Half the galaxy away am I and I know something is terribly terribly wrong with your Padawan. But your Padawan is only two systems away and you don’t suspect anything’s wrong until he doesn’t pick up his damn comm?
Obi-wan – Well, maybe you should have taught him instead of me, pointy-ears! Oh, he’s on Tatooine. What the hell is he doing there? [[transmits message]]
[[Anakin returns with a body wrapped up in a sheet and proceeds to glare at everyone as though it’s their fault Shmi is dead]]
Amidala – I’m sorry.
Anakin – I killed everyone. I killed every man, every woman, every child, every living thing in that village in my rage. One day I will have power over death and no one will ever die on me again!
Amidala – Well, if your creepy, obsessive stalker behavior wasn’t enough to drive me away before, finding out you’ve got scary anger issues and psychopathic tendencies won’t drive me away either.
R2-D2 – Beep blorp beep <<Message for you, sir>> [[the transmission is played and Obi-wan is obviously attacked at the end; the Jedi Council orders Anakin to stay put]]
Amidala – Just because the Jedi Council ordered you to stay put like a sensible person and for the first time this entire movie you seem inclined to obey orders doesn’t mean I can’t do something colossally stupid and brave. Let’s go rescue Obi-wan.
[[The Jedi send Windu and all available Jedi to Geonosis to rescue Obi-wan while Yoda heads over to Kamino; in the meantime, Palpatine manipulates Jar-jar into helping him get emergency powers to create an army because Jar-jar is a idiot]]
Obi-wan – Since I’m not escaping any time soon, can someone give me some more relevant plot information?
Dooku – Sure. The Senate is under the control of Sith Lord Darth Sidious. But if you join me, we can rule the galaxy as father and son.
Obi-wan – What?
Dooku – Sorry, I got caught up in the moment. Join me, and I won’t have to kill you and you’ll have a pretty cushy job in the new galaxy order.
Obi-wan – I think you’re lying about the Senate and I’d rather die than join you.
Dooku – Okey-dokey.
Geonosis, Droid Factory:
[[Amidala and Anakin’s attempts to find someone to talk to end horribly as for some reason they are chased into the foundry/factory where the droid army is being made and have to run an obstacle course of death]]
C-3PO – No, we’re not leaving. We were ordered to stay. So we’re going to stay.
R2-D2 – Beep blorp blorp <It is my job to save the main characters and I have a feeling they’re going to need saving really soon so you better come help me>
C-3PO – What, really? Amidala is plucky and competent, although less so than she was in the last movie, and Anakin’s nearly a Jedi knight. Why should they need help from an admittedly clever little astrodroid?
R2-D2 – Blorp <You have no idea. Now move it>
Geonosis, Droid Factory:
Amidala – I sure hope someone rescues me before I get molten metal poured on top of me! Like maybe a Jedi!
Anakin – I kind of got my arm welded into this machine so excuse me while I deal with my own problems.
[[R2-D2 saves Amidala from death by molten metal and gets her out of the bucket as well]]
C-3PO – You are kidding me. R2 really did save them. That seems kind of sad and pathetic.
[[However, Anakin and Amidala are captured anyway and sentenced to death via gladiatoral combat]]
Amidala – Since we are about to die, I think this is a good time to tell you that despite being whiny, creepy, obsessive, psycho, and really unlikeable, I’ve fallen in love with you and I’ve died a little bit every moment I haven’t told you.
Anakin – Wow, that’s also kind of creepy, but what can I say? I totally dig creepy.
[[The pair are chained to pillars next to Obi-wan]]
Obi-wan – What do you have to say for yourself?
Anakin – I’m Anakin Skywalker and I’m here to rescue you.
Obi-wan – Yes, I can tell by how you’re all chained up too.
Anakin – So what do we do?
Obi-wan – Be grateful Dooku is making a classic mistake of evil and instead of just killing us is putting us in a situation we may possibly be able to survive.
Anakin – What about Amidala? She’s so helpless and small.
Amidala – Excuse me? I’m not entirely useless. [[proceeds to pick her locks and climb up the chain to the relative safety of the top of the pillar]]
[[In walk the monsters and the Jedi proceed to do a pretty good job of surviving and freeing themselves, despite the odds; Amidala also holds her own except for the ridiculous rippable shirt that leaves her entire midriff bare; however, in the end, they are surrounded by droids]]
Dooku – Well, that was amusing. So now what’s your plan?
Windu – I sneak up behind you with my lightsaber.
Dooku – Okay, I didn’t see that coming. Let the awesome droid on Jedi fight scene begin!
[[thus begins the fight with lots of Jedi against tons and tons of droids which ends with a lot fewer Jedi surrounded by a few fewer droids; also Windu kills Jango, which makes Boba cry; like anyone really cares]]
Obi-wan – Hey, Mace, remember when you said since Dooku was a Jedi he’d never try to kill anyone?
Windu – Stuff it, Kenobi.
Dooku – Right, and we’re back where we were a few minutes ago. So now what’s your plan?
Windu – We defeat you!
Dooku – You and what army?
[[enter the clone army]]
Yoda – Glad am I that you asked. Save the Jedi. Hurt the Droids. Capture Dooku.
Dooku – Are you kidding me? [[escapes]]
[[Thus starts the clone and droid fight with the Jedi in pursuit of Dooku and the escaping Seperatists; in the course of transit, Amidala is knocked out of the transport but appears to not be dead]]
Anakin – I have to save her!
Obi-wan – We have to get Dooku! Damn it, emotional detachment! What would she do in this situation?
Anakin – *glowering* Get Dooku.
Geonosis, it doesn’t matter where:
Obi-wan – Okay, let’s work together to…
Anakin – Get Dooku!! ARGH!!! [[attacks Dooku]]
Obi-wan – Do you even listen to a thing I say?
[[Dooku easily beats back Anakin]]
Dooku – Right, can I fight a real Jedi please?
Obi-wan – Bring it, old man!
[[Dooku easily beats back Obi-wan and injures him beyond fighting capability]]
Obi-wan – Oh, man, I like totally suck! Aren’t I supposed to be awesome?
Anakin – I’ll save you! [[attacks Dooku again; for some reason Obi-wan sends his lightsaber so Anakin can fight with two even though he hasn’t trained with that and it doesn’t do him much good as Dooku disarms Anakin and then literally disarms (the right one) Anakin and chucks him into Obi-wan]] Apparently I suck too.
Obi-wan – Damn it!
Yoda – Hello, my former Padawan.
Obi-wan – You trained this guy? Wow, maybe you aren’t such a great teacher.
Yoda – About to save your sorry Jedi butt, I am, so insults you should keep to yourself.
Dooku – You’re a little old man. I’m a totally awesome Sith now. Look, I can hurl heavy objects at you with telekinesis.
Yoda – Hold them back, I can.
Dooku – How about some Sith lightning!
Yoda – Absorb that, I can.
Dooku – Well, hell. Lightsaber duel it is. Considering I’m six and a half feet tall and a fraction of your age despite being old for my species means I should win easily.
[[Naturally Yoda is totally awesome because the little old man in kung fu movies always is the most dangerous]]
Dooku – Wow, this is totally not going as I thought it would. I’ll leave you with the choice of catching me or saving those two idiots. [[drops heavy pillar on the incapacitated Jedi]]
Yoda – Damn it. [[saves Jedi allowing Dooku to escape, then resumes his guise of little old man]]
Obi-wan – So, we won, right?
Yoda – We’re peacekeepers and a war just started on our watch. Think you that we have won? Honestly.
Anakin – [[now sporting a bionic arm]] So you’re going to marry me and we’ll live a lie?
Amidala – Have you been using any Jedi mind tricks on me?
Anakin – No, not shown in the movie anyway.
Amidala – Hm, then apparently I am an idiot because yes, I’m marrying you and will live a lie that could destroy us both.
Anakin – That’s great! I will love you forever. Forever.
Amidala – Nope, that’s not creepy at all.
Dooku – Your plan to destroy the Republic is working really well.
Sidious – Of course it is. I’m so glad the Jedi are oblivious to every alarming warning sign of my eminent control over the galaxy.
Dooku – That and they can’t tell when a Sith lord is standing right in front of them.
Sidious – I know. It’s so pathetic.