or, “In Which the Jedi are Surprised by the Perfectly Obvious”
Scrolling Exposition – the Republic is now at war with the Seperatists who are lead by the Trade Federations, Count Dooku, and a droid named General Grievous. Yes, Grievous. That’s his name. Because Lucas has no subtly. Better than Dooku though. Anyhoo, Dooku has kidnapped Chancellor Palpatine and Anakin and Obi-wan have been sent to rescue him. Right, on with the spectacular space battles.
Obi-wan – Right, two Jedi against an army. No problem. [[gets shot]] Problem!
Anakin – I’ll save you.
Obi-wan – Please don’t. You’re going to get us both killed.
Anakin – *Obsessing* No, I will not leave you. [[saves Obi-wan]]
Obi-wan – Hookay… Well, let’s go save the Chancellor.
Obi-wan – Let’s get on the elevator. We’ll go straight up with no problems.
Anakin – Whatever you say, master.
Obi-wan – “The Girl from Iponepa?” Aren’t there any other songs for this sort of thing?
Anakin – The elevator just stopped.
Obi-wan – I don’t think that’s a song.
Anakin – Here, I’ll hop out and push.
Obi-wan – Or I could get that little wastebasket looking droid of yours to get it going again.
Anakin – But I’m already out.
[[elevator drops like a rock]]
Obi-wan – Whoa! Going down! R2! A little help here!
R2 – Beep beep boop beep! <<Excuse me, but there are two droids who can hear your yelling a mile away so would you please shut up a second while I figure out a way out of this mess!>>
Obi-wan – R2! This is why we keep you around!
Anakin – Look, I can’t hang around in this shaft all day!
[[R2 beats up on the two really stupid and lamentably fire susceptible droids and gets the elevator back on track]]
R2 – Beep blorp blorp! <<Shouldn’t Jedi knights be capable of saving their own rear ends without the aid of an admittedly remarkably clever Astrodroid who does bear a regrettable resemblance to a wastebasket? I’m a plot device here. I shouldn’t be more competent than the main characters. Although come to think of it, I do have rather more character than they do. Humph. They get cash and fame and fortun, and all I get are some lousy toys and a short-lived cartoon series. Ingrates>><shouldn’t jedi=”” knights=”” be=”” capable=”” of=”” saving=”” their=”” own=”” rear=”” ends=”” without=”” the=”” aid=”” an=”” admittedly=”” remarkably=”” clever=”” astrodroid=”” who=”” does=”” bear=”” a=”” regrettable=”” resemblance=”” to=”” wastebasket?=”” i’m=”” plot=”” device=”” here.=”” i=”” should’t=”” more=”” competent=”” than=”” main=”” characters.=”” although=”” come=”” think=”” it,=”” do=”” have=”” rather=”” character=”” they=”” do.=”” humph.=”” get=”” cash=”” and=”” fame=”” fortune=”” all=”” are=”” some=”” lousy=”” toys=”” short-lived=”” cartoon=”” series.=”” ingrates=””><shouldn’t jedi=”” knights=”” be=”” capable=”” of=”” saving=”” their=”” own=”” rear=”” ends=”” without=”” the=”” aid=”” an=”” admittedly=”” remarkably=”” clever=”” astrodroid=”” who=”” does=”” bear=”” a=”” regrettable=”” resemblance=”” to=”” wastebasket? =”” i’m=”” plot=”” device=”” here. =”” i=”” shouldn’t=”” more=”” competent=”” than=”” main=”” characters. =”” although=”” come=”” think=”” it,=”” do=”” have=”” rather=”” character=”” they=”” do. =”” humph. =”” get=”” cash=”” and=”” fame=”” fortune,=”” all=”” are=”” some=”” lousy=”” toys=”” short-lived=”” cartoon=”” series. =”” ingrates=””>
Anakin – I should stay in the elevator next time.
Area Where the Chancellor is being Held:
Palpatine – You guys are going to get your asses handed to you. Dooku is much better than you are and kicked both your asses in the last movie.
Obi-wan – We’re a lot better now. Bring it!
[[Dooku brings it, leaving Obi-wan unconscious. An angry Anakin subsequently and literally disarms Dooku who doesn’t seem to feel the pain as expected of someone who just got their arms cut off]]
Palpatine – [[voice drops to evil gravelly mode]] Kill him.
Dooku – What!? Oh no you didn’t. You did not just betray me.
Anakin – It would be evil to kill him.
Palpatine – Yeah, and your point is…?
Anakin – Hm, I guess I don’t have one. [[beheads him]] That was wrong.
Palpatine – Too late now. Let’s blow this joint.
Anakin – I’m not leaving Obi-wan.
Palpatine – [[voice drops to evil gravelly mode]] Leave him.
Anakin – Whoa. Weird. For a second there I thought I was being influenced by Sith mind tricks. -picks up Obi-wan- Well, let’s take the elevator.
[[Obi-wan wakes up]]
Obi-wan – Damn, I forgot how good Dooku is. Gah! What the hell are we doing back in the elevator shaft?
Anakin – I couldn’t get the elevator. Oh, wait, there it is. Whoops.
[[they leap into an open doorway and get captured and taken to the bridge, which is exactly where you really want a pair of Jedi knights and a remarkably clever Astrodroid to be]]
General Grievous – Ha! You have sealed your doom! I will take your lightsaber as my trophy! Please ignore the fact I am a droid with a cough!
Obi-wan – R2, do that thing you do.
[[R2 does that thing he does by providing a lightsaber and an escape means; the Jedi smash up the bridge and Grievous escapes through the rather cunning method of depressurizing the bridge (although if that is a real set of organs beneath his not air-tight exterior, then depressurization would damage him as much as the people who need to breathe…), leaving the Jedi to land a crashing cruiser, which they do, more or less]]
Obi-wan – Well, any landing you can walk away from is a good one.
Palpatine – You crazy Jedis are going to be the death of me. Oh, great, and here comes the media.
Obi-wan – Anakin, you handle this. -leaves-
Anakin – Fine by me. [[sneaks behind a pillar to meet Amidala]]
Amidala – Ani! You’re not dead! And wow, you’re much more likeable in this scene than you were for the entire second movie.
Anakin – Yeah, I really am. And I got rid of the Padawan rattail braid. Let’s go snog.
Amidala – I’m pregnant and everyone thinks I’m unmarried. I’ll lose my job.
Anakin – Seriously? That’s like so 1950s. I know this is a long, long time ago, but really?
Amidala – And you could get kicked out of the Jedi order.
Anakin – That’s true. Oh well, let’s go snog.
Palpatine – Anakin, I want to give you a place on the Jedi Council. They don’t trust me, so I want you to report all their actions to me.
Anakin – I’m not sure that sounds right, but okay.
Mace Windu – Alright, you can have a spot on our Council, but we don’t like it and we don’t trust you or Palpatine.
Anakin – But I still get promoted to Jedi Master?
Mace – What? Of course not, you creepy brat.
Anakin – Time to revert to my patented glower and snotty arrogant attitude of the second movie. Jerks, not promoting me.
Obi-wan – Actually, it’s worse than that. They kind of want you to spy on Palpatine.
Anakin – I’m getting some mixed signals here.
Obi-wan – Sorry, kiddo. Just don’t go psycho on us again.
Amidala – You’re brooding again. What’s wrong?
Anakin – I’ve been dreaming you’ll die in childbirth.
Amidala – That sucks. But don’t worry, I’ll be fine.
Anakin – I won’t lose you. I love you. I’ll love you forever. Forever.
Amidala – Um, Ani, you’re regressing a bit to creepy stalker Jedi.
Palpatine – The Jedi don’t trust you and you’re dreaming that your wife will die, even though you haven’t told me any of this.
Anakin – Yeah, that is kind of weird. *obsessing* Must not lose Amidala.
Palpatine – I also know an awful lot about legendary Sith lords and the powers of the Dark side and how those powers can keep your wife from dying.
Anakin – Yeah, that’s also kind of weird. *obsessing* Hey, did you say those Dark powers could keep me from losing Amidala?
Palpatine – I even smiled creepily when recounting the untimely death of Darth Plagueus by his apprentice.
Anakin – I’m sorry, did you? I was obsessing again and didn’t notice.
Palpatine – Excellent. Oh, I know where General Grievous is hiding out. The Jedi had better send you to fight him. Because I have faith your abilities even if they don’t.
Anakin – Hey, thanks. I need my ego fed.
The Jedi Council:
Mace – Alright, so Yoda’s going to help the Wookies because Lucas wanted the Wookies in this flick. Obi-wan, you go take down General Grievous.
Anakin – But I wanted to take down Grievous. You big meanies don’t ever let me have any fun. Palpatine would let me go.
Mace – Yeah, but he’s not in charge, is he? I don’t trust him anyway. It’s like he wants to take over or something.
Anakin – Stupid Jedi. They didn’t let me go waste Grievous, and they don’t trust me. Oh, and I’m still dreaming my wife is going to die.
Palpatine – If you become a Sith lord, you can get your revenge on them and save your wife.
Anakin – That’s funny. Where would I find a Sith lord to teach me the Sithy ways?
Palpatine – There could be one standing right next to you.
Anakin – But you’re the only one standing next to me.
Palpatine – Exactly. Learn the Dark side and you can keep Amidala from dying. I can teach you.
Anakin – Are you trying to tell me something?
Palpatine – Dammit, I am the Sith lord you’ve been looking for. Me me me! I am a Sith lord! Totally dark and evil. I am Darth Sidious.
Anakin – Wait, are you saying you’re Darth Sidious?
Palpatine – *facepalm* Yes, you stupid brat. What do I have to do, tattoo it on my forehead for any of you Jedi to figure it out?
Anakin – Um, you have been my friend and confidant, but I’m still loyal to the Jedi, so I’ve got to turn you in.
Palpatine – You do what you’ve got to, kid. Then your wife will die.
Anakin – Dammit. Well, I’m still good, so I’ll be right back.
[[Mace Windu appears to be the only Jedi of the Council still hanging around]]
Anakin – Mace, Mace, you’re not going to believe this, and I know this will come totally out of left field, but Palpatine is Darth Sidious!
Mace – What? That is unbelievable! There have been no signs, no hints, no alarming warning signs that Palpatine was actually the Sith lord. What a shock! We never saw it coming. Well, if that’s true, you wait here while I go arrest him.
Anakin – I should be there. He’s my friend.
Mace – Kid, that’s exactly why you shouldn’t be there. -leaves-
Anakin – *obsessing* But I can’t lose Amidala. So I can’t lose Palpatine. Curse my obsession. It’s about to get me in a lot of trouble. [[leaves]]
Obi-wan – So, where can I find Grievous?
Random alien – He’s over there. But we’re being held hostage and you’ll have to do some sneaking around the guards he’s got.
Obi-wan – Ah, no problem. With the help of a CGI creature, I’ll sneak up on him and waste as many droids as I can until the reinforcements show up.
[[Obi-wan does indeed use a nifty CGI creature to sneak up to Grievous and chooses to leap down in the middle of dozens and dozens of droids which seems to defeat the purpose of sneaking up…]]
Obi-wan – Bring it, you freak-o droid. Just you and me.
Grievous – Just you and me and my four lightsabers! [[produces two extra arms and four lightsabers]]
Obi-wan – Damn you, George Lucas! How many lightsabers do you think you can realistically cram in any one fight scene?
Grievous – Who’s talking realism? This is all about awesome battle scenes. Now, I’m bringing it, Jedi scum!
[[Obi-wan systematically and literally disarms Grievous down to only one arm]]
Grievous – It appears I’m not as good at “bringing it” as Dooku was. Droids, kill him!
[[Jedi reinforcements show up, killing the droids]]
Grievous – Run away, run away! [[grabs a CGI wheel thing and rolls away at high speed]]
Obi-wan – Oh no you don’t. [[leaps on his CGI creature and pursues; eventually crashing the wheel and leaving him to face Grievous again]] Are you done bringing it?
Grievous – Nope. [[throws him nearly off a ledge]] Die, Jedi scum!
Obi-wan – Oh, like I haven’t been thrown off a ledge and left dangerously dangling from a precarious perch by a gloating bad guy before.
Grievous – What, really?
Obi-wan – Yep. And I totally killed him, and I’m going to totally kill you too. [[Obi-wan uses the force to bring a blaster to him, and kills Grievous]] Booyah! Go Jedi, go Jedi. The tide appears to be turning in our favor.
[[Mace strides in with two guards]]
Mace – You’re under arrest.
Palpatine – Like hell, Jedi scum. [[he quickly kills the two guards and ends up locked in mortal combat with Mace; Anakin enters]]
Anakin – Uh, Mace, I’d really rather you didn’t do this.
Mace – Get back, kid. I’m going to just arrest him.
[[Palpatine zaps Mace with the patented Sith purple death lightning, causing him to lose control over his body and making him morph into some wrinkled fishy looking thing guy]]
Mace – Ow! Son of a…! Ok, forget arresting him. He’s too powerful. I’ve got to kill him.
Anakin – Don’t kill him!
Palpatine – Yes, don’t kill me! I’m just a helpless old man. Really I am.
Mace – I’ve got to kill him!
Palpatine – Don’t let him kill me!
Anakin – Oh, dammit. [[chops off Mace’s lightsaber arm allowing Sidious to zap him out of the window to his death]] Oh, hell, I’m in for it now.
Palpatine – In for it? Kid, you just killed the oldest living human Jedi to protect a Sith lord. You’re totally, utterly, completely screwed.
[[Anakin has nervous breakdown]]
Palpatine – But since you can’t go back to the Jedi, why don’t you become my apprentice? I can teach you how to save Amidala and you can get revenge on the Jedi.
Anakin – [[nervous breakdown is complete]] No problem. You want me to be an evil, murdering psychopath, I’ll be the best damn evil murdering psychopath you’ve ever seen. You know, to keep from losing Amidala, not because I started out kind of psycho or anything.
Palpatine – Riiiight. Anyway, here’s your first assignment. Go to the Jedi temple and kill everyone there.
Anakin – But the temple is full of adorable children.
Palpatine – Are you a murdering psychopath or aren’t you?
Anakin – Murdering psychopath all the way. Be right back.
Palpatine – And now it’s time for all the Clone Troopers to kill the Jedi.
[[one by one, the Jedi die, and Yoda feels every single one]]
Yoda – Screwed, we are.
[[Yoda escapes with the help of the Wookies and goes back to Coruscant; Obi-wan narrowly escapes being killed himself; finds his fighter, and flies back to Coruscant]]
Amidala – Anakin, something terrible’s happening! The Jedi temple is on fire, and I’ve heard awful rumors. What’s going on?
Anakin – Don’t worry. The war’s just ending. Everything will be fine. *obsessing* And I won’t lose you. We’ll be together forever. Forever.
Amidala – Um, alright. If you say so. I have to get ready now for an emergency meeting the Chancellor has called.
Anakin – You do that, darling. I have to go “take care” of some Trade Federation people.
[[meanwhile, the Chancellor declares himself Emperor of the Republic and everyone applauds; Obi-wan and Yoda meet back up at the Jedi temple]]
Obi-wan – My god. Someone’s killed all the children. Who could possibly have done such a terrible act? And with a lightsaber no less! I’d better look at the security tapes to unravel this mystery.
Yoda – Need to see the tapes to figure out the culprit do you? Really dense, you are.
Obi-wan – [[views the tapes]] Anakin! Anakin did this! Oh, how come we didn’t see this coming? There were no alarming warning signs or anything! I have to go find him.
Yoda – Kill him you must. Fight the Emperor I must.
Obi-wan – I don’t know if I can kill him.
Yoda – Watch the tape, didn’t you? See him slaughter children, yes? Kill him you better.
Obi-wan – Why don’t you do it, pointy-ears?
Yoda – I am going to try to defeat the Emperor before he becomes even more powerful. Your Jedi ass was kicked by Dooku. Think you can take on the Emperor, hmmm?
Obi-wan – Right. I’ll confront Anakin.
The Emperor’s Office:
[[Yoda easily knocks out the two guards]]
Palpatine – Let’s do this, you short green wrinkled freak.
Yoda – Look in the mirror you should before others you call freak.
[[they fight, but Yoda is ultimately defeated and rescued by Senator Organa]]
Yoda – Kill the Emperor I could not. Hope Obi-wan can do what he needs to do.
Obi-wan – I’m sorry, Amidala, but your husband is a mass-murdering, child-slaying psychopath. Tell me where to find him.
Amidala – But you’ll kill him!
Obi-wan – Um, yeah, that’s kind of the idea. He’s a mass-murdering, child-slaying psychopath.
Amidala – I don’t believe you. Go away. [[he leaves, and she immediately readies a ship to find Anakin; Obi-wan stows away]]
Volcano Mining Colony (no, it makes no sense to be there, but it is a spectacular fight platform):
Amidala – Anakin, what’s going on? Obi-wan told me you did terrible things. I didn’t believe him but I’m frightened.
Anakin – Nothing’s wrong, darling. I did in fact do all those terrible things Obi-wan said, and I’ve joined with the Emperor to slaughter the Jedi. But don’t worry, I know the Emperor’s a bad guy, so after I save you from dying, I’ll kill him, and we can rule the galaxy.
Amidala – Say what!? [[backs away slowly as her common sense finally kicks in]] Good god, you’re a creepy psycho stalker freak.
Anakin – Yeah, that’s why you married me, babe. That and I’m totally hot.
Amidala – I have to go now. I can’t love a mass-murdering, child-slaying obsessive stalker psychopath.
Anakin – *obsesses* What do you mean you can’t love me? I mean, I killed a whole village of Tuskan Raiders including children and you were fine with that.
Amidala – Yeah, I have no idea why I didn’t run from you right then and there either. But better late than never.
[[Obi-wan picks a very bad time to appear in the doorway]]
Anakin – You betrayed me! You brought Obi-wan to kill me!
Amidala – No I didn’t! [[sees Obi-wan]] Hey, what are you doing here? [[turns back to Anakin]] No, really, just… [[Anakin puts the patented Sith choke hold on Amidala]] *hurk* Ani, can’t breathe here. This isn’t exactly the way to convince me to stay with you.
Obi-wan – Good lord, kid, I knew you’d gone bad but you’re ready to kill your own wife and your unborn child? That’s it, you’re going down.
Anakin – [[drops Amidala; who passes out]] Bring it, Jedi scum.
[[Obi-wan brings it, and thus follows a spectacular fight over an active volcano which culminates in Anakin getting careless and Obi-wan managing to slice off not only his other biological arm, but both legs at the knees; and if that weren’t enough pain, then Anakin catches on fire!]]
Obi-wan – Ouch, man, you are so toasted.
Anakin – ARGH!!! HATE YOU!!!
Obi-wan – Dammit, Anakin, I really liked you. You being a psychopath comes as a total shock to me. There were no warning signs or alarming behavioral trends. *sniff* You jerk.
Anakin – ARGH!!! KILL YOU!!!
Obi-wan – I’m sorry for leaving you for dead on this godforsaken mound of ash. [[leaves him for dead on that godforsaken mound of ash which is probably the most un-Jedi act ever in the history of the Jedi order and probably the Sith order as well; this isn’t an act of mercy as Anakin is about to die horribly; is Obi-wan just too cowardly to finish the deed? I mean, seriously, what the hell, Jedi?!; Anyway, Obi-wan retrieves Amidala and flies back to Coruscant; Sidious flies in a few minutes later]]
Sidious – Damn kid. Obi-wan sure brought it to you. Well, guards, pick up what’s left of my apprentice and let’s see what we can salvage.
Coruscant Medical Bay:
[[Yoda, Obi-wan, and Senator Organa anxiously watch over Amidala as she prepares to give birth]]
Yoda – Killed Anakin, did you?
Obi-wan – No, not exactly. I tried.
Yoda – Do or do not. There is no try. You did not?
Obi-wan – Well, no, but I’m sure he didn’t survive, unless he was inexplicably saved by Darth Sidious or something. Anyway, shouldn’t we focus on the person I did save?
Medical droid – She is dying and we don’t understand why. Hopefully we can save the babies.
Yoda, Obi-wan, Senator Organa – Babies?!
Medical droid – Yes. She’s having twins.
Yoda and Obi-wan – Damn, how did we miss that?
Coruscant Cybernetics Division:
Medical droid – This is going to hurt.
Anakin – KILL!!!!
Coruscant Medical Bay:
[[Amidala gives birth, then dies of a broken heart, just as Anakin had seen in his visions, which is such a pathetic end for a woman who was so darn spunky and useful and tough in the first movie]]
Coruscant Cybernetics Division:
[[they have the technology, they have the skills; Anakin is rebuilt, better, faster, stronger, and with the voice of James Earl Jones]]
Sidious – Good morning, sunshine.
Vader – Where’s Amidala? What happened?
Sidious – Well, you kind of killed her. In your anger. Whoops.
Vader – Dammit! You said I could save her.
Sidious – I lied. What part of “I’m a Sith lord” didn’t you understand? Also, your kid died too.
Vader – Dammit! Well, since I’ve lost everything, my wife, my child, the Jedi, I might as well serve you. There is no hope.
Sidious – I love it when a plan comes together.
Coruscant Medical Bay:
Yoda – Into exile I must go. The last of the Jedi are Obi-wan and I.
Obi-wan – This is the balance the prophecy talked about? Two Sith and only two Jedi. I’m going to have some words with Qui-gon…
Yoda – Sucks, this does.
Senator Organa – I’ll adopt Leia.
Obi-wan – I’ll take Luke to his only family on Tatooine and watch over him. While that seems the most logical place for Vader to look for his kids, I figure he doesn’t want to go back to that over-baked accursed desert rock. Now, let’s end this flick on some rather poignant screen shots that will lay out some foreshadowing for Episode IV.