Are you sad you have to wait another week for the introduction of the totally awesome (and my favorite) Sailor Mars in Sailor Moon Crystal? Me too. So I present to you the next series of the classic Sailor Moon anime, using again the subtitled versions rather than the dubbed. This is absolutely my favorite series. I can’t quite articulate why this is my favorite, but it is. And the Outer Senshi’s transformation music is my favorite too. Also, this will be last one for a bit because I really, really disliked “Super S” and it’s going to take discipline to go back to that one. But “S” is awesome!
Hikawa Shrine:
[[Rei experiences a terrible vision of the end of the world; it will be destroyed by silence and only three stars and the Messiah can save the world]]
Usagi – Wow, Rei, you seem really down today. What’s up?
Rei – Oh, bad dreams. It’s nothing; I’m sure it’s nothing.
Daimon – Guess what! I want your pure heart crystal!
Others – What the hell is going on?
[[The new monster of the day attacks Rei and the others are not strong enough to help; in fact, Usagi’s transformation brooch is broken, which un-transforms her! To Rei’s credit, she holds out a long time before the monster draws out a sparkling crystal, which seems to be soon-fatal wound]]
Others – Noooooo!!!
[[vague energy smashes into the monster; the crystal flies away and the monster is destroyed; two silhouettes that are obviously sailor senshi appear to examine the crystal and then send it back to the others, who are crying over Rei; she revives once the crystal is put back in her body]]
Rei – Oh, so I was wrong. I mean right. Yeah, I’ve been having prophetic dreams of the end of the world. So much for peace.
Mysterious man in a lab coat and glasses – Bwahahahahahaha!!!
Tokyo:
Mamoru – I’m sorry your brooch is broken. I’m sure we’ll be able to fix it.
Usagi – I hope so too, especially if there are any more of those monsters around.
[[There is, and it attacks]]
Usagi – Dang it.
[[The other four fight it as best they can, but they are outmatched and the daimon takes the crystal and is wounded by the mysterious senshi, who toss the crystal back but do not finish off the monster]]
Tuxedo Kamen – Usagi, get out of here! We’ll protect the innocent victim of the day! Don’t stay and get hurt!
Usagi – I’m not leaving! I’ll figure out a way to help somehow! [[And by the power of their miracle romance, the brooch changes, she gets a new transformation sequence, a new weapon, and a new attack!]] Yay, love! But who are those mysterious senshi? Luna, Artemis?
Luna/Artemis – We’ll do some research.
Tokyo, the Arcade:
Minako – I am awesome at this game!
Mysterious “boy” – I’m better. Want to race?
Minako – Absolutely! [[Minako gets smoked]] But-but-but…well, we should maybe get together…
Mysterious girl – Haruka, are you showing off again?
Haruka – Yeah, I know better, Michiru. We’ve got to go. Keep trying!
Minako – Okay, so he’s got a girlfriend. No problem!
Usagi – Minako! Honestly. And this is coming from me!
Minako – What?
[[Usagi and Minako stalk Haruka and Michiru to a repair shop, and the daimon targets the mechanic next; Usagi and Minako transform and go after it]]
Sailor Moon – Hey! Hey stop it! I am still so bad at this sometimes!
[[The daimon is stopped by the sudden appearance of the two mysterious senshi]]
Daimon/Sailor Moon/Sailor Venus – Who are you?
Mysterious senshi who looks exactly like Haruka – Sailor Uranus!
Mysterious senshi who looks exactly like Michiru – Sailor Neptune!
Sailor Moon/Sailor Venus – What?!?! More senshi?!
Sailor Uranus – Give us the crystal!
Daimon – Um, no?
[[Sailors Uranus and Neptune blast the living @#$% out of the monster and take the crystal]]
Sailor Moon – Hey, what are you doing? We need to give that back so the guy doesn’t die!
Sailor Uranus – You know nothing!
Sailor Neptune – It doesn’t have a talisman anyway. Let it go.
[[Sailor Uranus huffily tosses the crystal back while Sailor Moon is left to finish off the monster]]
Sailor Venus – That was rude. What talismans? What are they talking about? Oh, and what happened to Haruka? I hope he’s not hurt!
[[they reconvene at the arcade to discuss their adventures]]
Luna – I kind of remember something about other senshi that protect the solar system from threats from the outside…
Ami – Are there any more?
Artemis – Let’s see – Mercury, Venus, Earth’s Moon, Mars, Jupiter, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto… that’s all the planets accounted for, right? Eight total planets before Pluto got demoted to “dwarf planet.” Yep, that should be the lot.
Usagi – They were really powerful, but rude and didn’t want to help us at all.
Minako – And I lost track of that gorgeous boy Haruka.
Haruka – Did someone say my name?
Rei/Makoto – Where’s a gorgeous boy? I just see this girl in a guy’s school uniform.
Minako – Um… that’s the boy.
Haruka – You’re silly. I never said I was a boy. Come on, Michiru.
Michiru – ‘Bye, girls.
Usagi – So if Haruka is a girl, is Michiru still her girlfriend?
Rei – Not if you believe the American dub. But I think the animation is really quite clear; they are totally together.
[[And so Uranus and Neptune are standoff-ish at best but the gang does make friends with Haruka and Michiru, who are just one year older and attend the private Mugen Academy; Haruka and Michiru seem to have more information on what’s going on and are determined to get the talismans even if the owner of the heart crystal dies; it also seems Neptune has psychic powers as well]]
Naru – Usagi!
Usagi – Naru! Wow, so you’re in this series. And dating Umino? Okay, that’s cool
Naru – Yeah, I just hope I’m not here to have my energy drained again.
Daimon – Not exactly! [[daimon attacks Naru and Umino]]
Usagi – Oh for crying out loud! [[transforms and defeats monster]]
Haruka – Michiru, I think that Makoto girl might be targeted next. I’m going to follow her.
Michiru – And then what?
Haruka – Let the Daimon take her pure heart crystal to see if it’s a talisman, of course.
Michiru – That is cold.
Haruka – Yeah, but you’re not actually objecting to this plan, so what does that say about you?
Michiru – Fair point.
[[Luckily Makoto does not have a talisman and Sailor Uranus decides to help Sailor Moon defeat the monster although Makoto realizes that Sailor Uranus just let her get attacked and thus has beef with her and rightfully so]]
Ami – First Rei, then Makoto. Oh, I’ve got a bad feeling about this. [[and sure enough, she’s attacked too]]
Minako – Well, clearly I’m next, right? I mean, my heart is as pure as everyone else’s, right?
Kaolinite – Yeah, no, I was thinking of the genius girl Michiru instead.
[[But first Haruka and Usagi end up stuck together dealing with other problems]]
Usagi (thinking) – Wow, being held by Haruka as she tries to protect me is just like being held by a man. Except for the breasts in my face. Yeah, those are definitely lady-parts.
[[Haruka does successful protect Usagi, and they split up and transform, only to re-unite and get chained together so comic hijinks can ensue!]]
Sailor Moon – I don’t know much about what’s going on, but I know if you don’t return those pure heart crystals to their owners, then those owners will die.
Sailor Uranus – It doesn’t matter! We need the talismans to save the world. We’re talking about sacrificing three lives to save everyone!
Sailor Moon – I believe we can save everyone if we work together and no one will have to be sacrificed!
Sailor Uranus – You’re a stupid little girl. What would you know about saving the world and not sacrificing anyone to do it, huh?
Sailor Moon – Actually, quite a bit. And where the hell were you guys when me and my friends were doing all that, huh?
Sailor Uranus – Let’s just focus on saving Michiru.
[[they do and Sailor Moon is even more determined than before to somehow befriend Sailors Uranus and Neptune]]
Minako – So it’s time to try to steal my pure heart crystal, right? Right?
Kaolinite – Um, no, actually, I was thinking of that Usagi girl. Oh, hey, and she’s apparently Sailor Moon. I will just steal the transformation brooch. Learning her identity will surely not end with my untimely death.
Mamoru – Happy birthday, now that you told me when it is, Usagi. I got you these fancy fairytale shoes.
Usagi – Yay, I’m fifteen now. That’s totally cool, right? Oooo, so shiny.
[[And so cursed! A daimon pops out to try to take Usagi’s pure heart crystal, and it is the shiniest, sparkliest, brightest one so far]]
Sailor Uranus – That is the shiniest, sparkliest, brightest crystal so far. How can it not have a talisman in it?
[[But it doesn’t, and Kaorinite kidnaps Tuxedo Kamen, so there’s a final showdown that ends when Usagi gets her compact back and Kaorinite is destroyed]]
Usagi – So what next?
Chibiusa (who now appears to be eight years old) – Hi everyone!
Usagi – What are you doing here?
Chibiusa – Mom sent me back to train to be a sailor senshi and make friends! I can even transform now and have an attack, see?
Usagi – Yeah, that’s great.
Tokyo, Later:
Setsuna – Small Lady, don’t tell anyone you saw me here in the past.
Chibiusa – Um, okay. So we’re not friends?
Setsuna – We are, but I believe the queen wanted you to make friends your own age.
Chibiusa – Oh, okay. That shouldn’t be too hard.
Minako – Seriously, doesn’t anyone want my pure heart crystal?
Prof. Tomoe (mysterious man in lab coat and glasses, possessed leader of the Death Busters {although I actually like ‘Heart Snatchers’ better}) – Well, you did kill off my main minion you know. Where I am going to find more disposable bad guys? Oh, right, the Witches 5. That should last for a little while. Eudial, you’re on.
Eudial – Excellent! Alright, so which main character hasn’t been threatened yet?
Minako – Ooo, me! Me!
Eudial – Rock on.
Tokyo, Later Still:
[[So Minako’s finally attacked but in a twist runs off with her own pure heart crystal which leaves Usagi and Co. and Haruka and Michiru to run after her]]
Makoto – What do we do? We can’t save Minako if we don’t transform, and we can’t transform if Haruka and Michiru are here!
Usagi – We transform anyway. We’ve got to save Minako! [[they do so]]
Haruka – What do we do? We can’t get that crystal if we don’t transform, and we can’t transform if Usagi and Co. are here!
Michiru – We transform anyway. You know we need that crystal! [[they do so]]
Sailor Moon – … So, this is awkward…
Daimon – I am so @#$%ed.
[[it is and in case there was any lingering doubt as to anyone’s identities, even Minako manages to transform]]
Sailor Moon – I’m sure we can be friends…
[[Sailors Uranus and Neptune take off in a huff]]
Witches 5 HQ:
Eudial – I know! I’ll just use a computer program to figure out who has the talismans. I’m a genius.
Mimete – You’re a loser and you’ll fail.
Eudial – Shut up! Hey, I’ve got two hits. I don’t even need a Daimon! I built this gun to remove pure heart crystals. Watch and learn, loser!
[[Eudial lures Haruka and Michiru to some random island with a chapel with a rabbit-stained glass window {this is less than obvious foreshadowing as to the identify of the Messiah Sailors Uranus and Neptune are looking for} to take their pure heart crystals; they transform to try to save themselves; it doesn’t work; Sailor Neptune ends up taking a shot for Sailor Uranus and losing her crystal, which turns into the Deep Aqua Mirror; also, it is important to note that Eudial has just learned all their identities…]]
Sailor Moon – We’ll save you! Er, somehow! Why won’t this mirror go back? Go back, mirror, or Michiru will die!
Sailor Uranus – No, it’s fine. We talked a lot about sacrifice, and now it comes to this. I’m a lot of things, but I’m no hypocrite. [[fires Eudial’s gun at herself; her crystal turns into the Space Sword]] Give the Holy Grail to the Messiah who can save us all from the silence. [[seems to die]]
Eudial – Alright, that’s two talismans down and one to go. And I got an awesome flamethrower to finish you off while I find the remaining talisman holder. [[Tuxedo Kamen and Sailor Chibi Moon save them from death by fire and they tear off in pursuit]] Yep, should be easy to find that last talisman holder.
Setsuna – She’s right here. [[Transforms into Sailor Pluto; takes the Orb off the top of the Garnet Rod and through the power of being awesome extracts the pure heart crystals from the talismans, returns them to Sailors Uranus and Neptune, which revives them, and the three talismans create the Holy Grail]]
Eudial – Dibs!
Sailor Moon – No way! [[she wins the fight to get the Grail and transforms into Super Sailor Moon and casually tosses Eudial out of a window without half-trying or needing her new finishing move]]
Sailor Uranus – Is she the Messiah who will save everyone? [[Super Sailor Moon faints and loses the transformation]] Clearly not. We need to find the real Messiah. [[They let her keep the Grail anyway…for reasons…]]
Eudial – I’ll be back! [[no, no she won’t since Mimete cut her brakes; now I guess they’re down to Witches 4]]
Chibiusa – I thought making friends would be easy. Hey, a hat! Is this yours, frail mystery girl?
Frail Mystery Girl (she’s about 12) – Yes. My name is Hotaru.
Chibiusa – I’m Chibiusa! Let’s be friends. Where do you go to school?
Hotaru – The Mugen Academy, but the kids think I’m weird.
Chibiusa – Luckily I have a very high threshold for weird. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship!
Outer Senshi – So, Tuxedo Kamen, we can’t team up with the Inner Senshi because they’re too weak to save the world.
Tuxedo Kamen – And that’s it?
Outer Senshi – Pretty much. Individually, we are way stronger. [[they are, actually, including Sailor Pluto’s attack]]
Tuxedo Kamen – And where the hell were you the last two times they saved the whole danged world?
Outer Senshi – Sorry, we can’t hear you through our contempt of the obviously weak Inner Senshi.
Professor Tomoe’s House:
Prof. Tomoe – Mistress, how do I wake you up fully?
Mistress 9 – I need more pure heart crystals.
[[Chibiusa reluctantly takes Usagi to meet her new friend]]
Usagi – GAH! The maid looks exactly like Kaolinite! But she was killed!
Prof. Tomoe – I don’t know what you’re talking about. This is my assistant, Kaori.
Usagi – Okay, well, this is weird as all get out. But she doesn’t seem to remember being dead, so I guess it’s okay…maybe…
[[No, no it’s not; Prof. Tomoe has a new way to make more powerful daimons and Hotaru’s house is as creepy as all get out; Hotaru doesn’t like Kaori and she’s obviously got a lot of issues… Later episodes show that Hotaru is quite powerful even if she doesn’t seem to know what’s going on; Chibiusa tries to get her out of her shell]]
Planetarium:
Chibiusa – Planetariums are fun, and nice and quiet for you, Hotaru.
Hotaru – It’s so nice the way you try to protect me.
[[Unfortunately, there’s a daimon at the planetarium and poor Hotaru ends up in the way; the sign of Saturn appears on her forehead and she single-handedly destroys the *upgraded* diamon]]
Sailor Mercury – Saturn! Oh, good grief, how could we have missed the planet Saturn!
Outer Senshi – Kill her! [[they attempt to do so, but Super Sailor Moon saves her]]
Super Sailor Moon – What the hell? She’s clearly one of us!
Sailor Uranus – She’s the Sailor of Silence, Ruin, and Rebirth. She’s the planet-killer! She’s even more dangerous than the Mistress of Silence. She’ll destroy everything!
Super Sailor Moon – She’s a nice girl and I’m not going to let you hurt her!
Outer Senshi – Oh, okay, that’s a totally convincing argument apparently. At least for now. If she starts to awaken as Sailor Saturn again, we’re going to kill her.
[[the situation devolves rapidly as Mimete is destroyed and replaced by Telulu, who is very quickly replaced by Viluy, who is immediately replaced by Cyprine & Ptilol (well, Sailor Mercury uses Shabon Spray again), and the senshi figure out all the weirdness is centered on the Mugen Academy (which is why Haruka and Michiru joined in the first place); Chibiusa is abducted by Kaolinite and her pure heart crystal awakens Mistress 9 and she fully possess Hotaru’s body; Chibiusa is rescued, kind of, and kept alive, somehow, by Mamoru while Mistress 9 puts up a giant energy shield around the Academy that is slowly growing]]
Sailor Jupiter – What do we do now? My Jupiter lock-pick can’t crack it!
[[And Sailor Moon is abducted since she has the Holy Grail]]
Sailor Mars – Damn it! Well, we have to hold back the destruction of everything and have faith Sailor Moon is the true Messiah! [[they do so]]
Sailor Uranus – Forget that! We’ll fly into the star-shaped hole on top with a helicopter!
Prof. Tomoe (still possessed) – Forget that! [[fires a missile to blow up the helicopter]]
Sailor Neptune – Wait, why aren’t we dead?
Sailor Pluto – I’ve stopped time so you can escape the blast.
Sailor Uranus – Are you allowed to do that?
Sailor Pluto – No, absolutely not, but I am, so you better get going and win this thing.
[[they head inside, free Prof. Tomoe from his possession, and Sailor Moon allows them to get captured]]
Sailor Neptune – Do something!
Sailor Moon – Okay, how about I hand over the Holy Grail to Mistress 9 to save your lives?
Sailor Uranus – That is not what we had in mind. Did you miss the part where we made it clear we are ready to die for this cause?
Sailor Moon – I’ll save everyone, somehow.
Prof. Tomoe – Hotaru, I’m so sorry I did this to you! I just wanted to save your life! [[this seems to break Mistress 9’s hold on Hotaru’s body]]
Sailor Neptune – Will you just kill her already?
Sailor Moon – I will save everyone!
Mistress 9 – I just need the Holy Grail to heal. This is in no way a trick. [[Sailor Moon hands over the Holy Grail]] That was totally a trick. Thanks muchly. Now I can summon Pharoh 90 to destroy everything! [[does so; this at least explains the star-shaped hole in the shield]] So what now? You’d need a heart crystal of a purity to surpass the Holy Grail if you want to do something.
Sailor Uranus – Thanks for nothing, you idiot!
[[Pharoh 90 decides it doesn’t need Mistress 9 anymore and tries to destroy her; Sailor Moon takes the blast for Mistress 9 and Prof. Tomoe; the other Inner Seshi are overwhelmed]]
Sailor Moon – Ouch.
[[Prof. Tomoe’s love for Hotaru and her love for Chibiusa cause Hotaru to regain control of her body]]
Sailor Uranus – You’e awakened Sailor Saturn! This is not better!
Sailor Saturn – No, it’s fine. [[she saves Chibiusa]] Thank you for protecting my body long enough for me to awaken. You can’t destroy Pharoh 90 without the Grail, but I can, even though it will kill me. [[takes her Silence Glaive and jumps into the evil to destroy it]]
Sailor Moon – Nooooo!! I won’t lose anyone! I will save her!! [[and with a little help from all the other senshi, including the Outers, she uses her own pure heart crystal to transform into Super Sailor Moon and save Sailor Saturn, whom she rescues as a tiny baby]]
Luna – It occurs to me there’s a reason she’s called the Sailor of Rebirth, among other titles.
Sailor Uranus – Just because you saved the world and no one died, we still don’t believe you’re worthy to be our queen, so you have to fight us.
Sailor Moon – What, seriously? Fine. [[she wins]]
Sailor Neptune – You have our loyalty. We’re heading into the sunset now to protect the solar system from more outside invaders.
Chibiusa – And I’m going back to the future for a little while to think about what I’ve learned.
Prof. Tomoe – And I’m an amnesaic who only remembers I have a baby daughter, so I’m going to raise her the best I can.
-up next, ugh, my least favorite series by far…-
A Writer's Hail Mary Pass 