Fifteen-minute TV Series – Sailor Moon

In anticipation of the new series, I present for the first time a fifteen-minute version of a television show.  This is also based on the subtitled versions, which I do believe are much superior to the dubbed versions (which is why I use mostly the Japanese names).  Of course, you can always wait and watch the soon to be properly dubbed and re-released versions of the ’90s series as well.

So yeah, I’m more of a fan than I was willing to admit in my musing on the series, but here’s my fandom for all the world to see.  I’m starting with the first arc, often called the “Dark Kingdom” arc –

Usagi – Waaaahhh!  I’m late!  I’m clumsy!  I’m lazy!  And I’m hungry!!

Mamoru – Hey, odango (dumpling) head, go throw your homework at someone else.  And go study some more because this is one lousy grade.

Usagi – Shove it, you jerk!

Luna – Oh, my lord, is this ditzy fourteen-year-old really the one I’ve been looking for?  Okay, here goes nothing.  Hey, human, you’re secretly the senshi (warrior) Sailor Moon.

Usagi – Wha….?

Luna – Just hold up the brooch and say the words, “Moon Prism Power, Make Up!”

Usagi – Okey dokey, strange talking cat who snuck into my room!  [[she does so]]  Wow!  This is awesome!

Luna – Well, now you have to go fight monsters!

Sailor Moon – This doesn’t seem awesome.  And hey, that first monster is trying to steal the energy of my best friend Naru!  Stop, monster!

Monster – And you are again?  Whatever, I’ll just kill you!  [[is thwarted by a red rose landing between them]]  Now what?

Tuxedo Kamen – Sailor Moon, you can defeat this monster!  I believe in you for reasons that won’t be explained for many episodes!

Sailor Moon – He’s dreamy!  Of course I can defeat the monster!  [[she does so]]  Yay!

Dark Kingdom:
Queen Beryl – So, Jadeite, how’s that plan to extract energy from the humans going?

Jadeite – Swell, of course.  We’re all fine here.

Queen Beryl – Hm.  And Sailor Moon?

Jadeite – *Pffff*  I’m not worried about her.  She’s just a single, stupid girl.

Usagi – Who’s the new girl?

Unimo – That’s genius girl Ami Mizuno.

Naru – I heard she was stuck up.

Usagi – I’m going to make friends with her whether she likes it or not!

Ami – Um, you’re kind of pushy, and you don’t study.  I’m not sure we can be friends.

Luna – I think she’s working for the bad guys!

Usagi – I’ll prove she isn’t, using this Disguise Pen thingy that will pretty much only be used in what, five more episodes?

[[She stumbles across an entire classroom being held hostage by a monster, including Ami, who has a strange symbol on her forehead]]

Luna – Whoops!  She’s actually Sailor Mercury.  Sailor Moon, save her and I’ll give her a transformation pen.

Sailor Moon – I’m really bad at this!! [[she is, but clumsily manages to distract the monster]]

Luna – Human, take this thingy and say, “Mercury Power, Make Up!”

Ami – Um, sure.  [[does so]]

Luna – Now, please save Sailor Moon!

[[Sailor Mercury does so]]

Usagi – Yay!  And now we’re all friends!  Let me tell about this totally hot guy called Tuxedo Kamen…

Ami – Um, maybe I should help you study instead…

Usagi – That’s lame.  Boys are awesome!  Hey, I heard there was this temple giving away love charms!

Ami – It’s highly unlikely they work, and I heard that the buses were disappearing.

Usagi – Let’s go see!

Luna – Ami, please go with her and calm her down.

Rei – I sense evil!  [[slaps a banishment charm on Usagi]]  Whoops.  That misfired a bit.

Grandpa Hino – Is the pretty young lady okay?  Would she like a charm?  Would she like a date?

Usagi – Um, your grandpa seems kind of pervy.

Rei – He is totally pervy.  So, anyway, those stupid love charms were Jed’s idea, and I don’t know anything about missing girls or buses, okay?

Ami – We’re very sorry for the misunderstanding. We’ll go now.

Luna – Usagi, you have to get on the disappearing bus and figure out what’s happening.

Usagi – Waaaahhh!  But I’m scared.

Luna – Good grief!

Rei – [[performs a ritual to divine the source of the evil]]  It’s Jed!

Jadeite – Yeppers, and I’m just going to toss you into the dark dimension.  There’s no way that will backfire on me!  Muahahahahaha!!!

The Dark Dimension:
[[Usagi has finally worked up the courage to get on the bus, but Ami just missed it]]

Monster – I’ll kill you!

Usagi – Not if I transform into Sailor Moon!  [[does so]]

Monster – Okay, I’ll take this random girl hostage!  [[grabs Rei, who has a strange symbol show up on her forehead]]

Luna – Sailor Moon, save her!

Sailor Moon – I’m really bad at this!! [[she is, but clumsily manages to distract the monster]]

Luna – Take this and say, “Mars Power, Make Up!”

Rei – This is insane!  [[does so and transforms to Sailor Mars]]  Alright!  Let’s end this, monster!  [[she pretty much single-handedly destroys the monster]]

Sailor Moon – *blink*  *blink blink*  That was amazing!  But how do we get out of here?

Tuxedo Kamen – Hop a ride on the magic bus!  I’m driving!

Sailor Moon – So dreamy…  Hey, how did you get here again?

Tuxedo Kamen – Um, yeah, I don’t know.

Dark Kingdom:
Queen Beryl – So, how are things going, Jadeite?

Jadeite – Swell, as always.  Just peachy.

Queen Beryl – And now there are three sailor senshi instead of just one?

Jadeite – That is totally not my fault.

Queen Beryl – Uh-huh.  You know what happens to failures.

Jadeite – Hey, I’ve been pretty successful.  I’ve gotten lots of energy and I’ve been your faithful servant for many, many, many years.

Queen Beryl – I am not impressed.

Jadeite – If I don’t kill those senshi, Queen Beryl is going to kill me.  I’ll set a trap for them at the airport.

[[It works and he sees all of them transform, although how this tells him their actual identities is not explained]]

Jadeite – Hahahaha!  Now I will destroy you!  By running you over with airplanes!

Sailor Moon – I do not get enough allowance to cover this kind of property damage!

Sailor Mars – Just run! [[they do so]]

Sailor Mercury – We can’t keep this up forever!  He’s too strong for us to fight directly!

Sailor Mars – I have an idea! [[and it’s an awesome idea that involves one of her evil spirit charms that causes all the planes to chase Jadeite and eventually he gets run over and vanishes]]

Sailor Moon – We won!

Dark Kingdom:
Jadeite – I know who Sailor Moon is!

Queen Beryl – You’ve failed me for the last time.

Jadeite – But I know who she is!  I know who they all are!

Queen Beryl – Blah blah, whatever.  I sentence you to eternal sleep before you can give me any relevant plot information.  [[does so]]  Okay, who wants to try next?

Nephrite – Jadeite was an idiot.  I’ll do a lot better.  You’ll see.  I’m going to extract energy from a human at its peak.

Zoisite – How are you going to find that out?

Nephrite – With this black crystal!

Zoisite – Oh, no fair!  I want one too!

Nephrite – Whiner.  Later, loser. [[leaves]]

Zoisite – Kunzite, he’s so mean to me!

Kunzite – He’s an idiot too.  You’ll get your chance to impress the queen.

Zoisite – Oh, Kunzite, you’re so understanding and handsome.

Nephrite – I will use this crystal to locate a human about to hit their peak of energy and amplify through some object dear to them.  I will pose as an eccentric, rich human to get close to people who should otherwise shun me.

[[this works and the possessed objects turn into the monster of the day]]

Naru – He’s so dreamy.

Usagi – Um, he’s like 30.

Naru – Yeah, so mature and dreamy.

Nephrite – And you can stop harassing me anytime, Zoisite.

Zoisite – No, I’ll just wait around until you fail.  Because you will.  Because you’re a loser.

Nephrite – Oh, go cry to Kunzite, you whiner.

Zoisite – *sniff* You’re mean!

Rei – Hey, I think that Mamoru guy Usagi hates is dreamy.  I’ll just arrange a meet cute for us.  Sure, he’s probably 18 or so and I’m only 14 and in middle school, but that’s better than Naru’s crush…  [[the meet cute doesn’t quite go off as planned but they do begin dating]]

Usagi – How dare she date that guy I can’t stand!  Ooo, a letter from Tuxedo Kamen!  He’s so much better than Mamoru anyway!

Naru – Hey, I got this letter from Tuxedo Kamen.  Who’s that?

Usagi – What, did every girl in school get a letter?

Every girl in school – Pretty much.

Usagi – That jerk!

[[It turns out to be a trap by Nephrite and Naru is caught and gets her energy drained.  Again.  Luckily Sailor Moon saves her]]

Usagi – Naru, seriously, you need to get over that guy.  He’s bad news.

Naru – But I love him!

Usagi – He’s old and pervy!  This can only end in tears.

Nephrite – Hm, so that Naru girl is in danger and Sailor Moon shows up.  Maybe I can use her as bait for Sailor Moon!  [[he does, and it works except Usagi shows up as herself]]  Oh, Naru’s clusmy ditzy friend.  You’re not Sailor Moon.  Well, I’ll just kill you and try again.

Usagi – How about no? [[she transforms]]

Nephrite – Oh, you are Sailor Moon!  Now I’ll kill you!

Sailor Moon – AAAAHHHH!!!

[[Fortunately for her the other senshi aren’t too far away and Naru interferes]]

Nephrite – Naru, you need to get out of here!

Naru – No!  I love you!

Nephrite – I am a bad guy!

Sailor Moon – I’ll get him!  Moon Tiara Action! [[But Naru steps in front of Nephrite forcing Sailor Moon to recall the tiara]]  What are you doing, strange girl I do not know!  He’s a bad guy!

Zoisite – Oh, so Sailor Moon is attached to that girl.  I’d better kill her!  [[tries to do so but Nephrite steps in front of Naru and takes the fatal blow]]

Naru – Nooooo!

Sailor Moon – *blink*  *blink blink* Yeah, I did not see that coming.

Zoisite – Whoops.  Well, I don’t care.  I wanted Nephrite dead anyway.  I’ll just take this crystal and head on back to the Dark Kingdom.

Nephrite – I’m sorry, Naru. [[dies and is presumably redeemed for being evil]]

Dark Kingdom:
Queen Beryl – Well, another incompetent gone.  Our Dark Ruler wants us to find the Imperium Silver Crystal.

Zoisite – I would be pleased to do that for you.  But I, um, don’t exactly know how.

Queen Beryl – Fine, I’ll relate some important plot information and back story for you.  A long time ago, when we destroyed the Moon Kingdom, our seven greatest warriors were trapped in the Silver Crystal.  It shattered into seven pieces, called the Rainbow Crystals, and have been reborn in Earthling hosts.  Use this black crystal to find the Rainbow Crystals and free our trapped warriors from their pathetic new bodies.

Zoisite – Wow, that was a really helpful exposition dump!  Thanks!

Usagi – Who’s the new girl?

Unimo – That’s Makoto Kino.  She got kicked out of her last school for fighting!

Naru – I heard she’s bad news.

Usagi – I’m going to make friends with her whether she likes it or not!  Hey, Mako-chan!

Makoto – Wow, that’s awful informal and forward.

Usagi – You saved me from those bullies this morning.  And you’re like super-strong.  And you cook!  Can I have some!  *nom nom nom*

Makoto – Um, okay.  Aren’t you afraid of me?

Usagi – Nope!  We’ll be great friends!  I’ll show you around!  Hey, we’ll go to the arcade later.  I told Ami I’d study, but that can wait.

[[There is excitement at the arcade as a guy wins the crane game over and over again]]

Makoto – He looks just like my old boyfriend.  I’m going to stalk him.

Usagi – And I thought I was boy-crazy.

[[Zoisite appears out of nowhere and attacks the poor guy with the black crystal; he rips a red crystal out of his chest and the guy turns into a monster]]

Usagi – Makoto?  Makoto?  Oh, that’s bad. [[transforms]]

Luna – You were supposed to be studying not wasting time at the arcade!

Sailor Moon – Not now, there’s a monster!

Makoto – I’ll save you! [[and she does, by picking the monster up over her head and tossing him into the bushes]]

Sailor Moon – *blink*  *blink blink*  That was amazing!

Luna – Take this thingy and yell, “Jupiter Power, Make Up!”

Makoto – Why is a cat talking to me?

Sailor Moon – Just do it!

[[she does so]]

Sailor Jupiter – Alright, that’s what I’m talking about! [[she zaps the hell out of the monster]]

Sailor Moon – Good thing I have this new finishing move[[she causes the poor victim to revert to his human form]]  So, Luna, what’s going on?

Luna – Bad things.  We must find the Moon Princess.  She’s the only one who can save us.  But where in the world can we find the Moon Princess, Sailor Moon?

Sailor Moon – You got me.

[[Zoisite gets the crystal; this continues and Tuxedo Kamen gets the senshi all flustered by stealing a crystal for himself; Ami almost gets a boyfriend but he’s a monster (he gets better), then Rei almost gets a boyfriend who is not a monster (it’s her grandpa but he gets better), and finally Luna almost gets a boyfriend but he’s a monster (he gets better too)]]

Zoisite – Argh, this is frustrating.  I’ll set a trap for Tuxedo Kamen, steal his crystals, and kill the senshi as well.

Kunzite – Sounds good.  What’s your plan?

Zoisite – To dress up as Sailor Moon and have you put me in danger.

Kunzite – … Your plan is to dress in drag?

Zoisite – What?  It’ll totally work.

[[And it totally does; despite professing some interest in Sailor Moon, Tuxedo Kamen can’t tell the difference between the real Sailor Moon and an evil warrior in drag until he gets stabbed]]

Zoisite – You idiot!  Now I’ll finish you off!

Queen Beryl – Oh, no you don’t!  His mask fell off and I recognize him!  If you kill him I’ll kill you!

Zoisite – I am so confused.

Sailor Moon – Hey, fake Sailor Moon, I’m calling you out!

[[Kunzite easily traps the four of them in an energy shield]]

Sailor Jupiter – Um, so, anyone have any bright ideas?

Sailor Moon – Wait for Tuxedo Kamen to rescue us.

Tuxedo Kamen – That would be easier if I wasn’t bleeding profusely.  Oh well, if not me, then who’s going to save them?

Mysterious Senshi – I’ll do it!  [[a beam of energy hits Kunzite and pops his bubble]]

Sailor Moon – It’s Sailor V!

Sailor V – Actually, I’m Sailor Venus!  Now, let’s kick some bad guy butt!

Zoisite – Five against two?  I don’t like those odds.

Kunzite – We can do it.

Queen Beryl – Get back here, the both of you, now!

[[they vanish]]

Sailor Moon – Sailor Venus, you’re awesome.  Do you think you’re the Moon Princess?

Sailor Venus – I don’t know, Sailor Moon!  Oh, and this is my cat, Artemis.

[[in an apartment in Tokyo, Tuxedo Kamen transforms back into, *gasp* Mamoru!]]

Mamoru – Oh, god, am I bleeding now?  What the hell is all this?  Why do I have these visions?  Why am I drawn to evil?  Why do I keep unwillingly transforming into this other person?  Argh!

Zoisite (on TV) – Hey, Tuxedo Kamen, or Mamoru, if you like.  I’ll make a deal with you.  We’ll duel for the crystals tomorrow.  I promise I won’t double-cross you or anything.

Mamoru – I must be delirious from blood loss because I agree to this stupid set-up.

[[And the next day, Usagi happens to run into Mamoru and happens to strike him on the shoulder even though she has never touched him before ever but sees the blood, so naturally she starts to follow him right into Zoisite’s trap]]

Mamoru – You shouldn’t have followed me, Usagi.

Usagi – Well, yeah, duh, I can see that now since we’re trapped in an elevator and all.  But you were bleeding.

[[Meanwhile, the other senshi (included Minako, or Sailor Venus) realize something bad has happened and head out to save Sailor Moon; the Sailor Jupiter lock-pick is pretty sweet]]

Zoisite – If I kill him, Queen Beryl will never know.  [[Throws fire down the elevator shaft]]

Mamoru – Oh, no, we’ll both die!  There’s nothing we can do!

Usagi – Oh, well, there is one thing.  Darn it.  [[transforms]]

Mamoru – *blink*  *blink blink*  Yeah, I did not see that coming.

[[Sailor Moon manages to save them from the fire, somehow, since “fire extinguisher” isn’t really in her power set, but whatever]]

Sailor Moon – Okay, Zoisite, this ends now!

Zoisite – I’m after Tuxedo Kamen.

Sailor Moon – Well, he’s not here.

Mamoru – Yeah, about that.  [[transforms]]

Sailor Moon – *blink*  *blink blink*  Yeah, I did not see that coming.

Zoisite – So, let’s duel. [[he puts out his crystals, and Tuxedo Kamen puts out his, and Kunzite takes them all]]  Whoops, did I just double-cross you?  My bad.  Well, I guess at this point trying to kill you won’t be a big deal either.  [[fatally wounds Tuxedo Kamen]]

[[The rest of the senshi run into too late to save Tuxedo Kamen]]

Sailor Moon – Noooooo!  You can’t die!  I feel like we’ve known each other forever!  [[And her single tear summons all the Rainbow Crystals and they form into the Imperium Silver Crystal and turns her into the Moon Princess Serenity; the force of this is such it knocks Zoisite nearly out of the building]]

Sailor Mercury – What’s going on?

Luna – She’s getting her memories back.  All of us are!

[[A long time ago, on a moon not so far away, there was the Moon Kingdom, run by the benevolent Queen Serenity.  Her daughter, Princess Serenity was in love with Prince Endymion of Earth, but the evil Queen Beryl wanted to marry Prince Endymion.  When he spurned her advances, she decided to destroy both the Earth and the Moon because “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” and all that.  The other senshi were princesses of their respective planets.  Queen Serenity sacrificed her life to defeat Beryl and the dark energy powering her and sent her daughter, Endymion, and all the princesses into the future without evil.  Obviously this didn’t completely work]]

Sailor Mars – Well, I guess I’m breaking up with Mamoru now.

Sailor Venus – Ooo, yeah, probably better this way.

Zoisite – Argh, I will totally kill all of you!

[[Princess Serenity sets the Silver Crystal in her wand and very calmly blasts the ever-living @#$% out of Zoisite, who retreats to the Dark Kingdom; then she faints and reverts back to Sailor Moon; and then the Dark Kingdom kidnaps Tuxedo Kamen]]

Sailor Mars – Mercury, get us the hell out of here!

[[she does so]]

Dark Kingdom:
Queen Beryl – So, Zoisite, didn’t I tell you not to kill Tuxedo Kamen?

Zoisite – Well, yeah, but…

Queen Beryl – And you lost all the crystals, including the Silver Crystal, and re-awakened the Moon Princess?

Kunzite – I take full responsibility for this.

Queen Beryl – Spare me, Kunzite.  [[blasts the @#$% out of Zoisite]]

Kunzite – Nooooo!!

Zoisite – It’s okay, Kunzite, since I can die in your arms. [[does so]]

Queen Beryl – You go kill them, or something.  I’m going to finish healing and brainwashing Endymion so he’ll be mine!  Muahahahaha!!

[[The senshi are despondant, especially once it’s clear Prince Endymion is working for the bad guys, but in the end they come up with a plan to defeat the Dark Kingdom once and for all; it does mean they have to go to the Arctic Circle and that they all may die]]

Sailor Moon – Are you sure this cave will lead us to the Dark Kingdom, Mercury?

Sailor Mercury – [[checks her computer]]  Absolutely.

Kunzite – You killed Zoisite.  I hate everyone and I will kill you by sending you into another dimension!

[[But instead they are pulled to the Moon Kingdom where a holo-Queen Serenity gives them more important plot information]]

Kunzite – Hey, what the hell?

Sailor Moon – We can defeat you now!  [[and they do so]]  Let’s go do this thing!

Dark Kingdom:
Queen Beryl – Well, my four best generals have been killed. Anyone else think they can do better?

DD Girls (I wish I was making that up) – We’ll do it.

Queen Beryl – What the hell are you, faerie demon strippers?

DD Girls – No, no, we’re dangerous.  Really.

[[The senshi see Tuxedo Kamen being held prisoner in the snow]]

Sailor Mars – It’s a trap.  It’s totally a trap.  Only an idiot wouldn’t know it’s a trap.

Illusion Kamen – Help me, Sailor Moon.

Sailor Moon – I’ll save you!  [[the other senshi literally jump on her]]

[[The illusion disappears and reappears]]

Sailor Mars – Oh, what, like that will fool us?

Illusion Kamen – Help me, Sailor Moon.

Sailor Moon – I’ll save you!  [[the other senshi literally jump on her]]

Sailor Mars – Damn it, Sailor Moon!  Stop being an idiot!

[[But in the end it’s Sailor Jupiter who’s caught in the trap and she kills herself taking out two of the DD girls]]

Sailor Moon – Wait, did she just die!?

Sailor Mars – No, no, honey, she’s just resting.  Yeah, if you believe the American dub, she’s just resting…

Sailor Mercury – I am seriously starting to wish I had some offensive powers.

[[It doesn’t matter; the DD girls eliminate all the senshi, although Mars also gets two for one leaving Sailor Moon to battle Queen Beryl]]

Sailor Moon – They’re all dead!  What am I going to do?

Evil Endymion – Die!  [[and he totally tries to chop her in half!]]

Sailor Moon – Please listen to this song before you kill me or I have to kill you!  [[the song from their deus ex locketa fixes him]]

Queen Beryl – Oh, god damn it, if I can’t have him, no one will.  [[she kills him]]

Sailor Moon – Nooooo!  Now I will end you!  [[she almost does but Queen Beryl teleports away]]

Queen Beryl – Oh, Dark Ruler, grant me a major power-up!  [[The Dark Power does so]]  Whoa! That’s what I’m talking about!

[[Thus Sailor Moon is left to fight a giant powered-up Queen Beryl all by herself]]

Queen Beryl – I will kill you!  [[seems to do]]  Well, that was easy.

Princess Serenity – No, no it wasn’t.  I call on the power of the Silver Crystal and will end you!  [[blasts her]]  I wish my friends were here.

Other Senshi – We’re here, in spirit.

[[Princess Serenity with a little help from her friends manages to defeat the evil Queen in a blast of pink light but it has cost her her life]]

Princess Serenity – I wish everything could be the way it was before all this happened. [[dies]]

Tokyo (Because her wish was granted):
Usagi (Serena) – Waaaahhh!  I’m late!  I’m clumsy!  I’m lazy!  And I’m hungry!!

Artemis – Do you think this is alright?  Them not remembering?

Luna – Oh, let them enjoy it.

Artemis – But they were really good friends.

Luna – Who knows?  Maybe they’ll be friends again.

moving on to the next arc…


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S. J. Drew is an aspiring writer who finally entered the blogosphere to shamelessly promote that writing (as evidenced by the title of the blog). Whether or not this works remains to be seen, but S. J. hopes you are at least entertained. And if you're actually reading this, that's probably a good sign.

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