“Sailor Moon Crystal” premiered today! I would squee but that is both embarrassing and doesn’t translate in text very well. Following up on the suffix-less first series, I present a summary of the second series.
[[There are a few episodes with some aliens/elves from a magic space tree that are nothing but filler; the senshi get their memories back, Sailor Moon gets a new transformation and a new power, the other senshi get new powers they pretty much never use again, and the Moonlight Knight appears only to be revealed as part of Mamoru’s lost memories; the aliens are defeated/saved, the tree is defeated/saved, Usagi and Mamoru finally get together and the story really starts…]]
Tokyo:
Usagi – Oh, Mamoru, I’m so glad after all that weird stuff that happened that we finally remember everything and can date.
Mamoru – Me too.
[[A young girl with pink hair literally drops outs of the sky onto Usagi]]
Usagi – I’m about to use words I’m not supposed to around children.
Mystery Girl – Give me the Imperium Silver Crystal!
Usagi – What? How did you know that? I mean, what are you talking about, strange girl?
Mystery Girl – I need that crystal! Give it to me!
Usagi – Back off, kid!
Mamoru – Usagi, she’s just a child.
Usagi – She’s weird and she stole my hairstyle. [[later Usagi goes home to a big surprise]] Mystery girl! What are you doing here!?
Mrs. Tsukino – Usagi, this is your little cousin, Usagi, but we’re going to call her Chibiusa. She’s staying with us. Actually, she’s staying in your room.
Usagi – *blink* *blink blink* What?!?! I don’t have a cousin! What is going on here? And why does your ball thing…
Chibiusa – It’s Luna-P.
Usagi – Look exactly like my cat, Luna? I mean, that’s important right? Hey, Luna, what’s going on here?
Luna – Yeah, I don’t know. She just showed up and your family accepted her. There are pictures and everything. We’ll need to keep an eye on her.
Chibiusa – Give me the Crystal!
Luna – Yeah, that’s weird too.
Alien Spaceship:
Rubeus – Okay, Ayakashi Sisters who in no way resemble the four inner planet senshi, you have your tasks – capture the Rabbit and fill the Crystal Points with Dark Power to open the Dark Gate so Crystal Tokyo will never exist and we, the Black Moon Clan, can have our revenge. Bwahahahahaha!
Ayakashi Sisters – We know all this already, but thanks anyway.
Tokyo:
Mysterious voice – Mamoru, if you do not break up with Usagi, you will destroy the future, like so. [[Mamoru experiences horrible visions]]
Mamoru – Gahh! What the hell is going on here?
Tokyo, Hikawa Shrine:
Mina – So this weird girl says she’s your cousin and your family believes it? And she wants the Imperium Silver Crystal? And has a weird floating ball-thing that none of us wonders where the hell she got that kind of technology?
Usagi – That about sums it up. I wish I knew what was going on. Maybe someone with psychic powers can help, huh, Rei?
Rei – Yeah, right now I got nothing.
Luna – Well, I have some good news. I have these upgraded transformation devices.
Makoto – Neat! Where did you get these? And why did you wait until now to give them to us?
Luna – Um, somewhere. You know, for reasons. Anyway, we have to be prepared for anything.
Ami – I’m going to Germany.
Others – *blink* *blink blink* Yeah, we did not see that coming.
[[But in the end, Ami decides that friendship and saving the world is more important than advancing her scholarship opportunities, and shows up just in time to save the others from a monster of the day that controls ice using her brand new transformation and power]]
Sailor Mercury – Finally! I get a real attack instead of just a defensive power. But where did that monster come from? Do we have a new threat to the world?
Mamoru – Erm. Hey, I know this is a terrible time to say this, but Usagi, we’re breaking up.
Others – *blink* *blink blink* Yeah, we did not see that coming.
Mamoru – I’ll still help out and try to figure out where this strange girl came from.
Tokyo, Hikawa Shrine, Later:
Rei – Grandpa, you can’t be a pervert or people will stop visiting the shrine.
Grandpa – Fine, I’ll just stop being a priest and start a self-defense class for young ladies. So I can leer at them.
Rei – ARGH!!
[[But Koan of the Sisters attacks the shrine, which leads to Rei using her new transformation and getting a new awesome attack! We also get to see that the Sisters are, well, sisters and kind of mean to each other]]
Alien Spaceship:
Rubeus – Okay, try scaring the Rabbit out. Can one of you manage that, hm?
Petz – I’m on it.
[[it turns out that Usagi and Chibiusa are frightened by thunder and lightning; it’s like they’re related or something…]]
Chibiusa – Puu, I want to go home.
Puu (pixilated image in the Luna-P ball) – I’m sorry, Small Lady, but you must find the Silver Crystal to help your parents.
Chibiusa – But I’m scared! [[runs away]]
Usagi – Mamoru, Chibiusa’s missing!
Mamoru – Then we should find her!
Usagi – What about us?
Mamoru – We’re not dating. Not until those visions stop!
Usagi – What?
Mamoru – Nevermind. Let’s find the poor kid.
[[Chibiusa pulls out a key necklace and tries to activate it, but instead kind of explodes and on her forehead is revealed a crescent moon mark that is identical to Princess Serenity’s like they’re related or something… they defeat the monster and save Chibiusa]]
Tokyo, Later:
Mina – This heat wave is awful.
Makoto – Yeah. I wish we had boyfriends to share it with.
Chibiusa – I’m going to marry Mamoru! And that is in no way creepy, and won’t get any creepier later!
Usagi – And I am for some reason jealous of a small child!
[[Minako and Makoto have a fight while Calaveras and Petz of the Ayakashi Sisters have a fight in case it isn’t totally obvious the Ayakashi Sisters and their powers are like the inner senshi; also, they casually mention returning to the future]]
Usagi – You two need to stop fighting.
Minako/Makoto – Whatever.
[[Naturally they stumble into a Black Moon Clan plot and Minako and Makato use their new transformations and awesome new attacks!]]
Alien Spaceship:
Wiseman – I can predict the future. You need to catch the Rabbit.
Rubeus – Yeah, I know that.
Wiseman – I’m also here so you can provide helpful exposition to the audience about what the hell Crystal Tokyo is and what’s going on here.
Rubeus – Oh, you mean how the Black Moon Clan attacked Crystal Tokyo in the 30th century and were only stopped by a mysterious energy coming from four sailor warriors that were protecting the palace?
Wiseman – Yep, that.
Rubeus – Hm, I wonder if this has something to do with the sailor warriors we keep running into here.
Wiseman – Yeah, you keep thinking about that. I’m sure it’ll come to you.
[[Despite Chibiusa being obnoxious and trying to steal the Silver Crystal, the senshi repeatedly save her from Black Moon Clan; also, they have no idea what’s going on but they do get to meet Rubeus]]
Usagi – So there’s an alien spaceship after Chibiusa for reasons that have yet to be explained and these four women and one dude are after her? I overheard some weird stuff from that floating ball which makes it sound like Chibiusa’s mother has been captured by these creeps, but that’s it.
Ami – Yeah, my computer’s got nothing.
Rei – It’s too bad we can’t turn these bad girls into allies.
Usagi – We can totally do that!
[[and they totally turn Berthier, Koan, Calaveras, and Petz into ordinary humans; it helps that the Sisters realized Rubeus was a total jerk and using them the whole time anyway]]
Alien Spaceship:
Esmeraude – So, Rubeus, this is going well, don’t you think?
Rubeus – Shut up. I have a plan to destroy them all, including the Rabbit.
Esmeraude – Yeah. You are going to fail, and I’m going to laugh. [[does so]]
Rubeus – Oh, good grief, never do that again! It’s like someone running their nails down a chalkboard combined with the screeches of howler monkeys. That’s the worst laugh ever, even worse than Zoisite’s.
Esmeraude – I hope you die!
[[Rubeus inacts his plan to capture Chibiusa and kill the senshi which involves moving his spaceship right over Tokyo; also, this is pretty much the only time we ever see Usagi forget to grab her transformation brooch ever]]
Naru – Hey, Usagi!
Usagi – Whoa, I forgot you were even in this series. Um, sorry about ditching you. I had things to do. Things that I kind of need to do right now, actually.
Naru – I’m going to strongly imply that I already guessed you are Sailor Moon or at least involved with them and I forgive you for forgetting I’m supposed to be your best friend.
Usagi – Thanks! Laters, and don’t get your energy drained, okay?
[[So the senshi can teleport to the spaceship and the battle goes very poorly but as per usual, Sailor Moon is as strong as she needs to be and she defeats Rubeus, rescues everyone, and they all teleport away from the exploding spaceship, which is the end of Rubeus]]
Usagi – I am still so confused! Can someone please, please provide relevant plot information?
Puu – Since Small Lady is incapacitated and you will never figure this out otherwise, I will facilitate an episode that will explain some of this to you. I am actually Sailor Pluto, Guardian of Time. The Black Moon Clan attacked Crystal Tokyo in the 30th century and incapicated Chibiusa’s mother. They are trying to use their Evil Black Crystal to destroy Chibiusa and Crystal Tokyo in the past.
Others – *blink* *blink blink* Yeah, we did not see that coming.
Rei – Could you try being a little more specific?
Sailor Pluto – Nope. Can’t reveal the whole plot at once.
Black Moon Clan HQ:
Saphir – Why are we even bothering with the past? We’re invincible!
Wiseman – Not until we destroy the Silver Crystal.
Saphir – Dimande, who are you going to believe, your own brother, or this creepy guy who is so obviously evil?
Dimande – I’m thinking the creepy guy who is so obviously evil is on to something. Also, I have ulterior motives.
Saphir – But-but he’s totally evil! Argh! Why won’t you listen to me?
Esmeraude – The prince is so dreamy. I’ll continue where Rubeus left off. I’m sure I’ll succeed and win his love.
[[And that goes about as well as could be expected]]
Tokyo:
Mamoru – Damn the horrible visions! Usagi, I love you, and I want to be together. I’m sure our love will conquer whatever bad things happen!
Usagi – Yay! Wait, what horrible visions?
Mamoru – Nevermind.
Chibiusa – Okay, everyone, I think we all need to go into the future and fix this problem once and for all.
Ami – Oh, I think this will violate pretty much every law of space and time imaginable.
Usagi – Do you have a better idea?
Ami – No.
[[And they transform and go back to the future!]]
Sailor Moon – Wow, this place looks terrible! I think we need some more helpful exposition.
King Endymion (hologram) – I can totally help with that. A terrible tragedy befell the Earth, which is totally unimportant to this story right now, and eventually it was saved by Neo-Queen Serenity and the Silver Crystal. I am King Endymion and with Neo-Queen Serenity, we rule the future Silver Millennium and the capitol of Crystal Tokyo. A long time ago, Neo-Queen Serenity banished a bunch of trouble-makers to the tenth planet of Nemesis. They plotted their revenge and now they’ve nearly destroyed our city and nearly killed me and Neo-Queen Serenity. Our daughter, Chibiusa, went to the past to get help.
Sailor Mars – Wait a minute. Are you saying what I think you’re saying? Oooo, Usagi, guess what you and Mamoru totally did…
King Endymion – Yes. Sailor Moon is Neo-Queen Serenity, Tuxedo Kamen is me, and Chibiusa is your daughter.
[[cue comedic blushing]]
Tuxedo Kamen – Then why the hell were you sending me those terrible visions?
King Endymion – To test your love and make sure it would endure.
Tuxedo Kamen – Wow, my future self is a real jerk!
Sailor Moon – Totally!
King Endymion – The important thing is that you’re here now and we need to save Neo-Queen Serenity. My body is badly damaged and she’s in stasis. We need to wake her up. And protect Chibiusa.
Sailor Mercury – I don’t understand. Why couldn’t Neo-Queen Serenity just use the Silver Crystal when they attacked?
King Endymion – It was missing. We have no idea how that could have possibly happened.
Chibiusa – Um. Yeah, that was so weird, right? Can we, um, talk about anything else, please?
Dimande – Blah blah, talking stuff. Time for me to indulge my obsession and kidnap the person who looks exactly like Neo-Queen Serenity, whom I am totally crushing on!
Sailor Moon – I strongly object to that you creep!
Dimande – Whatever. Let’s go!
[[Luckily Sailor Moon wards off the creep long enough for Tuxedo Kamen to rescue her; unfortunately other things don’t go so well in the future as Wiseman captures Chibiusa and tries to convince her no one loves her; it is soon revealed that Chibiusa stole the future Silver Crystal and it disappeared which is why Neo-Queen Serenity didn’t have it to protect Crystal Tokyo]]
Esmeraude – What does the prince see in that dumpling-headed ditz?
Saphir – Did you just help them escape?
Esmeraude – Um, no.
Saphir – Hey, on this I’m with you. He shouldn’t be wasting his time on the queen.
Esmeraude – Yes, and I’m going to get rid of her once and for all. Wiseman, can you help me?
Wiseman – I’m so glad you asked.
[[Wiseman tricks Esmeraude and she ends up getting killed]]
Wiseman – Two down, two to go. Once my brainwashing of Chibiusa is complete, and I kill Saphir and the prince, I can inact my evil plan! Bwahahahahaha!!
[[Wiseman finishes using his dark magic on Chibiusa, which makes her older, sexier (ewwww; she’s like five! And yes, she still tries to flirt with Mamoru…), and the wicked Black Lady; they go back to the past to open the Dark Gate]]
Saphir – Wait a damn minute! You’re just using us for your own evil purpose to release the Death Phantom into the world.
Wiseman – Um, yeah, totally. And I’m going to kill you so you don’t tell your idiot brother!
[[Saphir escapes to the past and takes refuge with the Ayakashi Sisters]]
Sailor Moon – Chibiusa is gone! What do we do now?
Sailor Mercury – We’d better go back to the past! Something is happening!
[[And back to the past they go!]]
Saphir – Dimande, you can’t trust Wiseman! He’s evil and he’s going to…
Wiseman – Shut up before you give away relevant plot information! [[kills Saphir]]
Dimande – What did you do that for?
Wiseman – Um, he was totally a traitor. Totally. Now help me and Black Lady here open this Dark Gate.
Dimande – Whatever, as long as I get Sailor Moon, er, Neo-Queen Serenity in the end.
Sailor Moon – He’s a bad guy! He turned Chibiusa evil! He killed your brother! He’s going to destroy everything!
Dimande – Yeah, you know what, I think you’re right. Hey, you stop that!
Wiseman – How about you die! [[kills Dimande]] Black Lady, open that Dark Gate!
Black Lady – Okey dokey. [[does so and the world is filled with darkness]]
Wiseman – Bwahahahaha!! My plan cannot be stopped. I, the Death Phantom, will destroy the world.
Sailor Moon – Okay, first things first. Save Chibiusa! [[they manage to convince her that she is indeed loved and the power of the Silver Crystal transforms Sailor Moon into Neo-Queen Serenity; Black Lady reverts to Chibiusa]] Second, close this Gate! [[Let portal combat begin! This plan does not go so well and is clearly going to kill her]]
Chibiusa – Oh, no! It’s just like when my Mom was defeated! I just wanted borrow the Silver Crystal and be a real lady. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I want to save everyone! [[suddenly the future Silver Crystal manifests from her tear and she turns into a little princess]] The future Silver Crystal! It was inside of me. I made this mess and I’ll fix it too!
Sailor Mercury – Wait, won’t using the same crystal displaced in time so close together in space cause some kind of rip in the space-continuum?
Sailor Mars – How would that be worse than what’s already happening?
Sailor Mercury – Good point. Sailor Moon, proceed with saving the world.
Neo-Queen Serenity – Let’s do this thing, future daughter!
Neo-Princess Usagi – I’m with you, future Mom!
Senshi – Let’s do it!
[[the power of the two Silver Crystals combined destroy the Evil Black Crystal and the Death Phantom in a blast of pink light]]
Sailor Moon – Are we dead?
Voice of Neo-Queen Serenity – No. The power of your crystals saved everyone again.
Sailor Moon – Cool.
[[After fond farewells, Chibiusa finally returns to the restored future and her parents]]
A Writer's Hail Mary Pass 