A Movie Entry – An Inevitable Comparison

I really didn’t want to write this entry.  “It’s overdone,” I told myself.  “It’s  divisive,” I told myself.  “You don’t need to go there,” I told myself.  “The  trilogy isn’t even over,” I told myself.  But then I actually saw Amazing  Spider-man 2 and all of my good, rational arguments were rejected by irrational  but irrepressible feelings.  I don’t like arguing from emotion; I prefer logic.   That said, I am a human being (by most accounts) and unable to completely divorce  my logic centers from my emotional ones.  That also said, I will present what may  turn out to be an unfair comparison between the previous Sony “Spider-man” trilogy  and two-thirds of the current Sony Spider-man trilogy.  In way, this also falls  under “Storytelling Failures” for the reboot trilogy, which is why I have tagged  it as such.

Continue reading A Movie Entry – An Inevitable Comparison

Fifteen-minute movie – Spider-man 3

or, “Angst up to Eleven”

Peter (narrating) – Life is actually good, believe it or not. I’ve got the girl of my dreams, I’m making straight A’s, I still have the boss from hell but at least I’m still getting paid, and the whole city loves me. I’m the bestest superhero ever. It’s blue skies and clear sailing from here on in!

[[A meteorite crashes and a strange alien goo follows Peter home]]

Alien goo – That’s what you think, sucker!

[[Escaped convict Flint Marko goes to visit is daughter is thrown out of the house by his ex-wife and starts to be chased by the cops]]

Marko – Well, at least I’ve established I’m meant to be a sympathetic character.

Aunt May’s Tiny Apartment:
Peter – Aunt May, my life is going so incredibly well right now, I’m going to propose to MJ.

May – I’m sure that will work out for you as well as everything else. If your story is still all about the girl, you should be fine. Otherwise, well, don’t lose the ring, okay?

Peter – [[walking home]] That was omnious, but I’m sure everything will be just fine now.

Green Goblin 2 (on a snowboard glider!) – That’s what you think, sucker!

Peter – Aw, damn it, I forgot to go back to Harry at the end of the last movie and tell him not to go crazy. Harry, I don’t suppose we can discuss how your father actually tried to kill me, not the other way around, like civilized people?

GG2 – I’ve been nursing this dark and unhealthy obsession for an entire movie and you think I’m going to let it go now? Just die, loser!

[[Peter manages to defeat GG2 but it ends up with Harry taking a trip to the emergency room]]

Hospital:
Peter – So, Harry, how do you feel? Obessive? Psycho? Have an inexplicable urge to wear green? Do you remember anything?

Harry – Actually, I can’t remember anything that’s happened over the past few months and man does it feel good.

Peter – Well, things are looking up after all. I guess last night wasn’t all bad.

Marko – Speak for yourself, jerk. I ended up falling into random giant particle physics reactor of some sort, and what the hell is something like that doing anywhere near a major metropolitan area, and anyway I ended up a giant walking pile of sand. I’m mean, I’m not dead, but even as a criminal this isn’t where I expected my life to go.

MJ – Pete, I’ve got some bad news too. My play was reviewed really badly…

Peter – Sorry, police scanner, tell me later, love you, bye.

MJ – Well, okay, that’s fine then. I guess. Off to work.

[[Spider-man saves a gorgeous blonde named Gwen Stacey from certain death from a malfunctioning tower crane]]

Brock – My name’s Eddie Brock. I’ll be your new photographer because that Parker guy is such an amateur and I can make you look like ten times more awesome and…hey! Where are you going in such a hurry? Hm, guess he had someone else to save. Off to the Bugle!

The Daily Bugle:
Peter – Well, okay, Brock didn’t know I’m my own photographer, so I guess he’s not that big a jerk.

Brock – Hey, I’m totally after your job, Parker.

Peter – I take it back. Boss, a little help here?

J. Jonah Jameson – Whichever one of you gets a picture of Spider-man doing something criminal gets the staff position.

Peter – I take it back. Don’t help me.

Broadway:
MJ – Hey, why is my understudy rehearsing for tonight’s show… Oh. Well, that’s just great. One bad review and I’m fired?

Heartless Producer – That’s show business. Laters!

MJ – Well, at least my boyfriend’s going to get the key to the city. That’ll cheer me up.

Ceremony:
MJ – Peter, I have something dreadfully important to tell you…

Spider-man – Later, babe, I’m about to get the key to the city. Love you, bye.

MJ – Okay, and I’m alone again.

Harry – Hey, MJ, how are you?

MJ – I just got fired.

Harry – Oh, wow, I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do?

MJ – Oh, you mean you not only heard what I had to say but are also expressing genuine sympathy? I forgot what that was like.

Spider-man – Hey, Gwen, want to help me to do the most colossally stupid thing I could possibly do at this moment, and in fact possibly the stupidest thing I have done in the entire movie trilogy?

Gwen – Um, sure? You saved my life and all.

Spider-man – Kiss me as I dangle upside down.

Gwen – Sure. –kisses him–

MJ – Gah!! That’s like our first kiss! What in the hell does that… [[gets angsty]] I have to go.

The Bank:
Spider-man – So you’re a walking sandbox? And you’re just going to rob banks? With great power comes great responsibility…

Sandman – Shove it, freak-o. [[wallops him good and escapes]]

Spider-man – This city just gets weirder and weirder. Seriously. Green Power Rangers, guys with malicious sentient limbs, what next? A lizard man? A guy in a rhinoceres suit? Good grief.

The Restaurant:
Peter – Haven’t I seen you before in prior movies? And weren’t you a total jerk to me?

Maitre’d – Um, possibly. But I’m going to be nice this time.

Peter – Oh, well, that’s cool. Because I’m going to propose to the girl of my dreams tonight.

Maitre’d – I can make that happen for you, as long as you don’t screw it up.

Peter – I think I’m good.

MJ – Peter, I had a really awful day today…

Peter – Yeah, today has been pretty cool.

MJ – My play, well, it didn’t work out…

Peter – Yeah, it’s pretty cool too. Did you notice how I was actually there opening night?

MJ – Er, and you know, that kiss at the ceremony was really hurtful…

Peter – Yeah, I’m glad I got the key to the city too.

MJ – I mean, the way you just kissed that total stranger…

Peter – Hey, Gwen, I didn’t expect to see you here? How are things with you?

Gwen – Pretty good. But I see you’re busy. I’ll see in you in science lab on Thursday.

Peter – Yeah, it’s a date. What? Gwen’s just my lab partner. Anyway, I had something really important to talk to you about…

MJ – You are a total jerk and I never want to see you again in my life [[storms out in a huff]]

Maitre’d – See, I was on cue. You were the one who screwed up.

Peter – How in the world did that happen?

Maitre’d – My guess is you’re a moron who doesn’t deserve her in the first place.

Osborn Penthouse:
Peter – Hey, Harry, how are things with you? Any worrisome signs of obsession or psychosis?

Harry – Nah, I still feel great. Hey, look, I appear to have totally awesome super-reflexes.

Peter – Okay, so that’s omnious…

Police Station:
Captain Stacey – So I called you both here to re-open an old and painful wound. The man you thought killed your beloved husband and uncle and who subsequently died falling out of a window was not in fact the man who killed your beloved husband and uncle. That man was actually Flint Marko, who is currently at large. Here’s his mug shot.

Peter – The walking sandbox!

Captain Stacey – Ok, please take your angst elsewhere.

MJ – Peter, I heard about your Uncle Ben’s killer, and even though you were really mean to me last night, I want you to know I’m here for you now in this difficult time…

Peter – Get lost, MJ, I’m about to start down dark path of obsession and vengeance. I mean, it worked so well for Harry.

MJ – You are such a jerk! What in the hell is wrong with me? I should get a real man! [[gets angsty]]

Alien goo – About damn time. I have been stuck under his bed for half this damn movie. You think I travelled millions of freaking light years on a hunk of iron and nickel because I really wanted a place to live that smells like old sweat-socks? Well, let’s get this show on the road! [[merges with the Spider-man suit]]

Peter – So, who changed my costume while I was deliriously having dark obsessive nightmares? Although the black is kind of cool, and it seems to amplify my powers. Still, better let a doctor check it out.

Curt Connors – It appears to be an alien symbiotic lifeform that bonds with a host on a genetic level. I’m not sure what the effects are, but you really shouldn’t let this stuff get on you.

Peter – That’s great advice I probably won’t take right on account of being unhealthily obsessed.

Police Scanner – Hey, we found Flint Marko. Any obsessive, psycho, vigilantes want to come get him you’re totally free to do.

Peter – Rock on. And despite what Dr. Conners said, I like having even more awesome superpowers, so I’m taking the evil Spider-suit.

Alien goo – Muahahahaha!!

[[Spider-man engages Sandman, who temporarily escapes down a sewer drain]]

Brock – I totally dig the black, my man, and let me say my photos are so much better than Parker’s…

[[Spider-man smashes the camera and heads after Sandman]]

Brock – Not cool man, not cool! Well, time to pull out the trusty digital camera.

[[Spider-man hunts down Sandman]]

Sandman – Dude, what the hell? So I stole a little money. It’s not like I killed anyone. Well, no, I did, but I’m really sorry about that. It was totally the wrong thing to do and I regret every day of my existence, although not enough that I’m going back to jail, but I am really sorry about killing that old guy.

Spider-man – Whatever. Just die. [[rips open a main and washes the Sandman away]]

Aunt May – You’re looking a little goth today, Peter. Are you alright?

Peter – I’m fine. And Spider-man killed Flint Marko. Isn’t that great?

Aunt May – No, and I’m sorry Spider-man did that. Vengeance will eat away at his heart, like a poison.

Alien goo – Venom, lady, venom! Not poison! Venom Venom Venom!!!

Peter – Feh. Whatever, Aunt May.

MJ – Wow, Peter is such a jerk. My job at the jazz club as a singing waitress is so degrading I need a friend. Well, Peter hasn’t been there for me, I’ll try Harry.

Harry – I’m sorry Peter sucks. I’ll cheer you up in a totally platonic way!

[[They cook, they dance, a good time is had by both and then they kiss]]

MJ – Oh, damn it. I’m sorry Harry, but this is all wrong. I didn’t mean to lead you on… I have to go…

GG2 – Hey, Harry, guess who’s baaaack? And here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to screw with MJ and Pete and get them to break up and then let them know you orchestrated the whole sadistic scheme. It’s going to be totally sweet. [[does so]] Man, this is awesome. I am so bad.

Spider-man – You think you’re bad, wait until you get a load of me.

GG2 – The goth look doesn’t really suit you.

Spider-man – Actually, it “suits” me just fine. You picked a really bad time to be a sadistic bastard because right now I’m a better one. [[proceeds to totally kick GG2’s ass from here to next Sunday]] Oh, and your father totally hated you.

GG2 – You die! [[lobs a pumpkin bomb]]

Spider-man – Feh. Whatever. [[lobs the bomb right back leaving GG2 caught in the ensuing explosion]]

Sandman – This smell is never coming out! I am going to kill that costumed freak!

Curt Connors (phone) – Hey, Peter, that symbiote thing is really bad news. It enhances aggressive tendencies in the host and is kind of addictive. If you’ve got any more of that stuff, you should get rid of it as soon as possible… Peter? Hello? Hello?

Peter – And now for the jerk-ass montage, yeah! Look, ordinary people on the street think I’m a total jerk and they haven’t even tried to date me. Jazz hands!

The Daily Bugle:
Peter – Brock, you jerk, you totally faked these photos.

Brock – Please don’t tell JJJ. I really need this job.

Peter – Whatever. Hey, JJJ, you need to fire this faker and give me the job.

JJJ – Sure thing, Parker. By the way, what a way to be a total jerk. Keep up the good work!

Nightclub:
Peter – Thanks for coming out to this club with me, Gwen. Look, there’s my ex-girlfriend. I’ll totally humilate both of you.

Gwen – MJ, I didn’t know…  I have to go…

Bouncers – Man, you should leave now.

Peter – Whatever. [[beats up the bouncers and then accidentally smacks MJ]] Uh oh. What in the hell is wrong with me?

MJ – What the hell is wrong with you?

Peter – I have to go…

Cathedral:
Peter – Get off, get off. Out out damn spot! This stuff is worse than super-glue!

Alien goo – Nooo!! I haven’t even gotten five whole minutes in this movie! No one has even told the audience my name! I’m just that alien goo! I’m not ending my acting career like this!

[[the bells start chiming, which seems to help Peter dislodge the black suit]]

Brock – Hi, God, Eddie again. Listen, could you please kill Peter Parker? I mean, by such a request I’m obviously some sort of obsessive psychopath, but that’s no reason not to say yes, right? I know, I totally faked the pictures to get a job I didn’t deserve and would incidentially ruin Spider-man’s reputation and leave Parker unemployed, but that’s no reason for Parker to rat me out like that. I truly, sincerely want him dead. So, please commence with the smiting. Man, what is up with that screaming? It’s raining black goo? What the hell is this?

Alien goo – I am totally your new best friend and together we are going to totally kill Spider-man.

Brock – Sweet. Thanks God!

Aunt May’s Tiny Apartment:
Peter – Aunt May, I totally screwed everything up. Take the ring back. I’m not ready to give it to MJ.

May – I’ll keep it for you. Now, go make things right again. By the way, dropping that whole goth thing was a really good first move.

Random Street:
Brock – I’m Venom now damn it!

Alien goo not named in this movie – Okay, fine, refer to me as Brock. How hard would it have been to put in my freakin’ name!?

Brock – Hey, Sandman, let’s team up, kidnap Mary Jane Watson as a hostage, and kill Spider-man.

Sandman – Sure, I guess. But how did you know to find me and how do you know he’ll come save that particular woman?

Brock – Whoa, look at the clock. We’d better get this fight scene started soon. No time for explanations.

The News:
Reporter – Breaking news. A woman is suspended in a cab in a web over a dangerous construction site with a walking sandbox and a black Spider-man.

MJ – Damn it! Why does this keep happening to me? I broke up with him! It’s like I’m typecast to be the damsel in distress!

Osborn Penthouse:
Peter – Harry, you saw the news. I need your help to rescue MJ.

Harry – Dude, you betrayed me, killed my father, and tried to kill me. My face is half-deformed and you think I’m going to help you out? You can stuff your webbing where the sun don’t shine.

Peter – Harry, I didn’t kill your father, and you did try to kill me too, but that’s not important right now. MJ needs us. I can’t do this alone. They will most likely kill me without your help.

Harry – Hey, better and better. Don’t let the door hit you on your way out.

[[Peter heads to his likely death]]

Loyal butler – Actually, sir, pardon my interference, but what the young man says is quite true. Your father died by getting impaled with his own glider.

Harry – Hell, Jeeves, why doesn’t anyone tell me anything around here?

Loyal butler – We think it a bad idea to distribute information that could encourage psychopathic tendencies that seem to be inherent in the Osborn genetic line.

Harry – I can’t argue with that. Rats, time to see which way my moral compass is pointing today.

Construction site:
[[And the fight scene commences]]

Spider-man – Eddie! Eddie! That alien is evil! It will take you over and you’ll lose your personality and become a total villain. Take it off before it’s too late!

Brock – You know what? I’m okay with being evil.

Spider-man – *blink blink* You’re okay with being evil?  Well, that wasn’t the answer I was expecting at all. I’m not sure what to do now.

Brock – I know! You can die!

[[Spider-man proceeds to get beaten nearly to death]]

GG2 – Okay, it turns out the moral compass is pointing north today. I still hate you, but you didn’t kill my father, and MJ needs help.

MJ – Thanks, because I can’t hang around here all day!

[[Spider-man and GG2 save MJ and defeat Sandman with missiles and sheer mass of construction debris]]

Sandman – I’m more concrete-foundation-man at this point and pretty much out of the fight.

Brock – Fine, I’ll do it myself.

[[clanging metal tubes appear to hurt Brock]]

Brock – Stop with the noise! Look, I’ll kill both of you, I don’t really care. [[tries to impale Spider-man on the Goblin glider]]

GG2 – Noooo! [[gets stabbed then falls]] Ouch. Stupid self-sacrifice. And ironic, dying the same way my father died.

MJ – At least you’ve got me here to comfort you.

GG2 – Well, I’ll take what I can get.

[[Brock and Spider-man continue to fight until Spider-man uses the one power he almost never exercises: brain power]]

Spider-man – I totally get it! The bells and the tubes! That alien is vulnerable to sonic waves. Ah, the sweet sound of victory! [[disrupts the symbiote enough to free Brock and then tosses a pumpkin bomb at it to kill it]]

Brock – No, wait, my power! My evil power! [[dives back in much to the shock of Spider-man and is presumbly blown up]]

Alien goo – Nooo! One fight scene!!! That’s it? And no one even named me!! ARGH!

Sandman – Spider-man, I’m really sorry for killing your uncle and trying to kill you and that innocent bystander. I’m sorry I didn’t help you save your crazy friend on the flying snowboard. So, yeah, I’m really sorry.

Spider-man – I forgive you.

Sandman – Thanks. Now to not go to jail and not pay for my crimes in any way. Laters!

Peter – Well, better go drop in on MJ and Harry before he dies.

Harry – Yeah, well, I’m sorry, Peter.

Peter – I’m sorry too.

Harry – [[dies]]

Peter – MJ, I’m sorry.

MJ – I’m sorry too.

Peter – So that’s how it ends? Harry’s dead, I still have the boss from hell, you still work at that lousy nightclub, and we can barely tolerate each other?

MJ – Yeah, I know. Pretty much par for the course.

Peter – Ok, so, well, let’s fade out already.

— fade out–

Venom – At least you have names! I’m only mentioned in the credits! How can I get a spin-off/sequel if I’m only known as “that alien goo bonded to that jerk photographer?” ARGH!

 

Fifteen-minute movie – Spider-man 2

or, “Mary Jane Should Have Married the Astronaut”

NYC streets:
[[Peter Parker rides a bicycle past an advertisement for Mary Jane’s perfume and almost gets killed; on a side note, MJ must be a damn good actress or something to make a Broadway play in only two years]]

Pizza shop:
Owner – Damn, Pete, can you ever do anything on time? One more chance, then I fire your ass.

Peter – I won’t fail you.

[[he fails to deliver]]

Owner – Your ass is fired. Loser.

Peter – Aw, darn it.

Empire State University:
Curt Connors – Damn, Peter, can you ever do anything on time? You missed class again. I’m going to have to fail you if you don’t stop being such a slacker.

Peter – No, really, I’m not a slacker. I’ll prove it.

The Daily Bugle:
J. Jonah Jameson – Parker, you know I just want Spider-man photos.

Peter – Yeah, but you’re ruining his reputation.

J. Jonah Jameson – So? The paper sells better. Fork over the goods if you want a paycheck. [[Pete hands him a Spider-man photo]] See? It all works out. Now get the hell out of my office.

Peter – I hate that man so very, very much. [[Pete goes to his tiny apartment then out to patrol]]

Aunt May’s House:
May – Surprise! Happy birthday, Peter! Look, I invited Mary Jane and Harry over too.

Harry – So, when are you going to tell me where to find Spider-man, huh, huh?

Peter – Harry, I sympathize. Really. You think Spider-man killed your dad, and you want revenge. I keep telling you, that’s just not healthy and you should stop obsessing over this.

Harry – You’re right. You’re right. I’m sorry. So, MJ loves you. When are you going to do something about it?

Peter – Um, I’m not.

Harry – Dude, what the hell is wrong with you? She’s gorgeous. Hey, when are you going to tell me where to find Spider-man?

Peter – Um, Harry, you’re obsessing again.

Backyard:
MJ – Pete, if you haven’t noticed, I’m in love with you. When are you going to do something about it?

Peter – Um, I’m not.

MJ – Ok. Fine. I’m only going to throw myself at you a few more times, and then I’m just going to have to marry this guy I’m going out with right now.

Peter – Well, alright. I guess. [[gets weepy]] I’ll come see your play if that’ll help.

MJ – What? Honestly. What the hell is wrong with you? -mutters- What the hell is wrong with me?

Kitchen:
Peter – What’s this? A notice that the bank is foreclosing on Aunt May? Darn it. I have to help.

May – No, you won’t. I’m still able-bodied enough. Now you take this twenty and go home. [[gets weepy]] Oh, and MJ loves you. When are you going to do something about it?

Peter – Um, I’m not.

May – *blink* What’s wrong with you?

Patrol:
Peter – I’m not a loser, I’m just sensitive. Woe, woe is me. I just can’t be with the love of my life because my secret would hurt her so. Woe, woe. [[webbing gives out]] Whoa!!! [[crashes]] What the hell is wrong with me?

Oscorp:
Harry – Dr. Otto Octavius, meet Peter Parker. He wants to do a paper about you.

Otto – I have no time for this! I am a genius, and Dr. Connors says you’re a slacker.

Harry – Ahem, Otto, Pete’s my friend. And I sign your paychecks.

Otto – Right then. So, Peter, let’s go to my place for lunch and meet my wife. I’ll give you material for your paper and a few lessons on life and love.

Peter – Keen.

Off-Broadway:
Peter – Right, I have a chance to make everything up to MJ even though I can’t be with her if only I can cross this street without incident. [[a police car wails by]] Aw, darn it!

[[Spider-man goes to help out, but ends up stranded on the top of a building with his webbing not working]]

Elevator:
Random guy – I’m going to assume you’re just some weird guy in a Spider-man costume rather than really Spider-man, and hope you’re not, you know, psychotic or something.

Spider-man – Good plan. It’s less embarrassing than wondering why Spider-man is taking an elevator.

Broadway again:
Peter – Whew, made it, and I’m only a little late. Usher, let me in.

Usher – Sorry, but you missed the curtain call. You can’t go in.

Peter – Hey, you look familiar. Have I seen you before in a previous movie? Possibly as an obnoxious wrestling announcer? Or anything directed by Sam Raimi in the last twenty years?

Usher – Beat it, kid, you’re disrupting the play.

[[Peter sulks outside, waiting for MJ; she emerges and is immediately greeted with a kiss by a handsome, strapping man; Peter gets weepy and he walks away, just before MJ looks for him]]

Peter – [[makes a phone call; gets MJ’s machine]] Heh, funny story about last night. See, I really meant to get to the play, but I was a little late, and that darn usher just wouldn’t let me in. Man, he looked about ready to kick my ass with a chainsaw, but I really meant to be there but I couldn’t because [answer machine clicks off] I’m Spider-man, and a moron, it seems. [[gets weepy]]

Oscorp:
Otto – Today I unlock the secret of fusion before your very eyes and get myself a Nobel Prize. Now let me strap on this set of four artificially intelligent, nearly indestructible arms.

Reporter – Couldn’t you get a Nobel Prize for those arms alone?

Otto – Er, no, it’s because they could take over my brain and my only control is one single tiny little chip. I haven’t had time to develop a better system what with my work on nuclear fusion. Now watch as I create a sun for your amazement. [[creates sun]]

Audience – Ooo, ahhh!

[[then the experiment goes horribly, predictably wrong as the sun’s magnetic field starts to rip the room apart]]

Audience – Panic!!!

Peter – This is a good time to dash off and assume my secret identity. Pardon me.

Otto – No, wait, I’ve got it all under control. Just one minute…

[[Spider-man saves Harry’s life]]

Harry – *obsessing* I’m still going to kill you to avenge my father!!

[[Spider-man fails to save the life of Otto’s wife]]

Spider-man – Aw, darn it darn it!! [[stops experiment; Otto is electrocuted and passes out]]

Harry – Noo, my company is ruined! Ruined! Ahh, whatever shall I do!! And I still haven’t gotten revenge on Spider-man!

Peter – Harry, you’re obsessing again. Come on, it’s not that bad.

Harry – Stuff it, loser.

The Daily Bugle:
J. Jonah Jameson – You’re fired!

Peter – What? I didn’t even do anything.

J. Jonah Jameson – Never mind, I need you to take pictures at this party tonight. You’re hired!

Peter – What’s wrong with you?

The Party:
J. Jonah Jameson – Heh. My son’s an astronaut.

[[Harry gets drunk at the bar; John Jameson enters with MJ on his arm]]

Peter – D’oh! This is serious. I may lose her even though I don’t have her and can’t have her because of my secret identity and man am I such a loser.

MJ – Pete, what the hell is wrong with you? You’re never there, you break your promises, and I’m dating an astronaut who’s seen my play six times! You are such a jerk! [[she gets weepy and she stomps away]]

Harry – Peter, you bastard. [[slaps him]] You won’t give me the information I need to get revenge. [[slaps him again]] Some best friend you are! [[stomps away]]

Peter – What? Great. Can my life get any worse?

John Jameson – I’d like to announce my engagement to Mary Jane Watson.

Peter – Dammit. Now I’m swearing, dammit! At least it can’t get any worse than this.

The Hospital:
[[Otto’s four arms wake up and kill the surgeons about to operate on him; then walk his unconscious body out of the hospital]]

Otto – Oh, no. It’s all gone wrong, wrong. My wife is dead, my life is over. I should drown myself. [[lights in arms go omniously red]] But the voices in my head are telling me to rebuild my experiement in this unsuitable sunken hut on the dock. Yes, yes, that’s a great idea. I’ll have to turn to crime to do it, but that’s fine by me, now that I’m listening to the voices of the evil arms inside my head. Why did I make the AI in these things malovalent in the first place? Oh, well, it’s working for me now.

The Bank:
May – I need a loan.

Loan Officer – Sorry, lady.

Ock – I’d to make a withdrawl.

Loan Officer – Surepleasedon’tkillmeIwanttolive.

[[Peter dashes off]]

Loan Officer – Your kid is such a loser.

May – Hey, who’s cowering with the old lady?

[[Spider-man shows up, and they start to fight]]

Ock – Screw this. [[grabs Aunt May]] I’m taking the old lady hostage.

Spider-man – Aw, dammit!

[[Spider-man follows, gets whupped up on, and Aunt May manages to distract Ock at a key moment and saves Spider-man]]

Ock – Fine, you keep the old lady. I’m taking the cash!

Spider-man – Aw, dammit dammit!

The Daily Bugle:
Ted “Yep, here’s my cameo” Raimi’s character – How about we call this guy Doctor Octopus?

J. Jonah Jameson – No, I have a better idea. Let’s call him Doctor Octopus. Doc Ock for short. Man, I’m clever. “Heh. What’re the odds of a guy named Otto Octavius ending up with eight limbs?”

Ted “Yep, here’s my cameo” Raimi’s character – Yeah, I know. That’s so weird. And what’s with so many people having alliterated names? It’s like they were all made up by the same guy as some sort of trademark.

J. Jonah Jameson – What? That’s crazy. Now get the hell out of my office.

Aunt May’s Kitchen:
Peter – Since we just visited Uncle Ben’s grave, I think this is a good time to tell you that I’m responsible for his death. [[relates backstory from movie 1; gets weepy]]

May – *blink* *blink blink* [[gets weepy]] I’m going upstairs, now… I’ll talk to you later…

Peter – Screw this Spider-man thing. It’s brought me nothing but trouble and my powers have been giving out anyway. [[gets weepy]] Sorry, Uncle Ben, but I’m not going to use my great power anymore. [[throws the costume in the trash]] Time to turn over a new leaf and get MJ to be my girl.

ESU:
Curt Connors – Wow, Peter, I’m amazed. You’re coming to class, you’re doing your homework, and you’re wearing glasses. Good job.

Off-Broadway:
MJ – Pete, you didn’t tell me you were coming to see my play.

Peter – I wanted to surprise you. And let you know I’m turning over a new leaf so that I’ll always be here when you need me, hint hint.

MJ – Haven’t you been paying attention? I’m engaged! And you’ve been yanking me around for months now.

Peter – Please?

MJ – Oh, alright. I’ll think about it. -mutters- ‘I’ll think about it?’ What the hell is wrong with me?

Aunt May’s house:
May – I forgive you. Oh, you wouldn’t know what happened to Spider-man? We could really use him what with that madman on the loose.

Peter – Er…

The Daily Bugle:
Ted “yep, here’s my cameo” Raimi’s character – Hey, JJJ, someone found Spider-man’s costume in a trash can. I think he gave up being a hero.

J. Jonah Jameson – Ha! Yes, I’ve crushed his spirit!

Robbie Robertson – You are a sick, sick man.

Ted “yep, here’s my cameo” Raimi’s character – Yeah, and crime’s really on the rise since Spider-man quit what with that madman running around.

J. Jonah Jameson – Oh. Well, that could be a problem. No, wait, the paper will sell better. Yes!

Random Burning Building:
[[Peter saves a kid]]

Peter – I guess I don’t need to be Spider-man to be a hero after all.

Firefighter – Yeah, man, too bad some poor soul got torched on the fourth floor.

Peter – Aw, dammit! And I could have saved him if I were still Spider-man. [[sulks]] Well, hell. I could have MJ, but no, I must use my great power. Woe, woe, I have to be Spider-man. Now what are the odds I can somehow get my costume back?

Osborn Penthouse:
Harry – *obsessing* Damn Spider-man! How dare he quit being a superhero before I have a chance to kill him! And I’m not obsessing!

[[Ock accosts Harry]]

Ock – Ok, kid, here’s the deal. I’ve just about everything I need to rebuild my machine thanks to Spider-man’s convenient absence. The last thing I need is the nuclear material I know your company has access to.

Harry – Wait, wait. Here, I’ll give you the stuff if you’ll bring me Spider-man.

Ock – Alright, sounds fair, except that he’s missing.

Harry – Ask my best friend Peter Parker. But don’t hurt him.

Ock – I’m totally criminally insane. No problem.

Restaurant:
MJ – Hey, Pete, since you’ve been so receptive lately, and since for some stupid reason I’m in love with you, and even though I’m engaged to a perfectly nice guy, why don’t you and I try to make something of this relationship?

Peter – Gee, MJ, you’re not going to believe this, but I found out I can’t really be with you after all. Heh. Sorry about that. [[gets weepy]]

MJ – [[gets weepy]] I swear, Peter, this is the last time I’m going to throw myself at you.

[[Ock throws a car through window; Peter saves them both; Ock grabs MJ]]

Ock – Deliver Spider-man to me or I kill the girl.

MJ – Dammit! Why does this always happen to me?

[[Ock pulls a brick wall down on Peter]]

Peter – Dammit! Why does this always happen to me?

The Daily Bugle:
J. Jonah Jameson – I’ve done a terrible thing, crushing Spider-man’s spirit and displaying his costume like some twisted trophy on my wall.

[[the group is distracted by a noise, allowing Peter to steal his costume back]]

J. Jonah Jameson – That criminal! That thief! Front page, ‘Spider-man steals from Daily Bugle.’

Robbie Robertson – Does it ever bother you that you have no soul?

The Subway:
[[After trashing a clock tower, Peter and Doc Ock land soundly on a subway train]]

Spider-man – Ok, Doc Ock, you’re starting to get me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.

Ock – That’s the wrong comic tagline, kid.

Spider-man – Whoops. My bad. Let’s just wail on each other on one of the most dangerous fight platforms ever.

Ock – Fine by me. Of course, once you start to win, I’m going to endanger the lives of all these people.

Spider-man – Dammit!

[[Ock endangers the lives of the people by taking out the brake and leaving the subway heading heedlessly down a dead end platform to fall to its demise]]

Spider-man – I can’t see with this stupid mask. [[takes it off]] Oh, dammit… The situation is worse than I thought. I think I’ll get to the front of the train and nearly kill myself to save everyone, making it impossible to fight Doc Ock when he comes back.

Passengers – Go for it!

[[Spider-man destroys a little more property by anchoring the train to buildings with the webbing, and nearly kills himself holding it all together, but saves the train in the nick of time]]

Spider-man – Ooo, boy, I’m going to take a little nap now [[faints]]

Passengers – Don’t worry, we’ve got you. [[passes him mosh pit style down the train]]

Random Man – He’s just a kid.

Random Other Man – Don’t worry, we won’t tell anyone who you are.

Spider-man – Well, given that there are roughly eight million people in this city and you don’t know my name, the odds aren’t very good that you’d ever see me again, but I appreciate the thought.

Random Kids – Somehow your mask didn’t get blown off the top of the train, so we cleaned it for you.

[[he pulls the mask on]]

Ock – Right, now I’m taking Spider-man.

Passengers – Don’t worry, we’ll protect you.

Ock – Yeah, right. Idiots. –tosses them out of the way, knocks out Spider-man, and leaves–

Osborn Penthouse:
Ock – [[drops Spider-man down on a handy couch]] Here’s the goods, now where can I find the nuclear material?

Harry – Actually, I keep in my wall safe for just such an occasion. Here you go. Don’t do anything bad with it.

Ock – I’m totally criminally insane. No problem. [[leaves]]

Harry – [[grabs a dagger]] First I will take your mask off and then I shall plunge this dagger into your heart. Not that I’m obssessing or anything. [[takes mask off, waking Peter]]

Peter – Uh oh.

Harry – [[stumbles backward, drops knife, and sits down quickly]] Pete? You-you killed my father?

Peter – Listen, Harry, I’d really love to explain the situation to you but I promised I wouldn’t tell you and anyway MJ’s been kidnapped and Doc Ock’s going to blow up the city so please tell me where he’s gone.

Harry – You’re-you’re Spider-man?

Peter – Harry, dammit, stop obsessing. Where is Ock? He’s got MJ! He’s going to blow up the city. Come on, Harry, priorities here.

Harry – I don’t know. I dunno. You’re Spider-man?

Peter – Jeez, Harry, I really want to help you out here before you go crazy, but I really really need to save MJ and the city, so just sit tight and stay sane for a while, ok? Right, I’ll be right back.

The docks:
MJ – Hello, can I go home now? Famous actress here.

Ock – There’s no reason to let you go. I’m going to blow up the city anyway. [[starts experiment]]

Spider-man – No, wait, don’t do that… Dammit!

[[thus commences the final showdown between Spider-man and Doc Ock as the experiment goes out of control]]

Peter – [[rips off his mask]] Doc? Doc, it’s me, Peter. Come on, Doc, don’t listen to the evil arms. You’re going to blow up the city.

Otto – Unnhh? The slacker? I’m going to blow up the city? Oh, dear, I guess I am. I guess this is why it’s a bad idea to listen to the voices in my head. Alright, here, you go save the girl and I will stop the experiment.

Peter – Can do.

MJ – So you’re Spider-man. Somehow, I’m not surprised.

[[Peter saves MJ, Otto drowns the sun? What?]]

Peter – [[gets weepy]] See, MJ, this is why I can’t be with you. You’ll get hurt because of me, like an unsettling theme. And you don’t even know the reasons behind the Green Goblin kidnapping you.

MJ – [[gets weepy]] And here I thought you were just a wishy-washy jerk. But you have a point here. Well, I guess I’ll go marry the astronaut.

Osborn Penthouse:
Harry – *obsessing* Peter killed my dad? How can I handle that?

Shade of Norman Osborn – I suggest you go crazy. Look how well it worked for me.

Harry – No! You’re dead! [[throws knife at mirror, which shatters and reveals a secret passage which leads to the Green Goblin’s lair]] Hey, I think I just stumbled onto the plot for the next movie.

Peter’s Apartment:
Peter – Woe, woe is me. And I feel like I forgot something really important, like I was supposed to talk to someone and keep them from going crazy. Oh, woe, yet something else I have failed to do. Woe. Woe.

MJ – Alright, Pete. I know all the risks, but for some stupid, unexplanable reason, I just really have a thing for insecure geeks and I’m in love with you. I just stood up my fiance at the altar of my own wedding to throw myself at you, so if you don’t take me up on the offer, I swear to God, I’m kicking you in the junk and ditching you for a real man.

Peter – [[gets weepy]] Ok, I get the hint.

MJ – [[gets weepy]] About damn time.

Peter – I don’t deserve you.

MJ – Not in the least. Now kiss me.

[[they kiss; then hear sirens]]

Peter – Um, I have to go. Great power and great responsibility and all that.

MJ – Yes, go. This won’t become a point of contention until the sequel.

Peter – Keen. [[dashes off]]

MJ – What the hell is wrong with me?

–fade out–

 

If you’re wonder what’s up with the Sony reboot, I have a link for that too.

Fifteen-minute movie – Spider-man

or, “Peter Parker is Such a Loser

NYC streets (a school bus filled with high school kids):
Peter (narrating) – You want to know about my life? Why? I am a total loser. I can’t express how big a loser I am. See that redhead there? The gorgeous one? Yeah. I’ve been in love with her since she moved next door and she doesn’t know I exist. I’m not sitting next to her. I’m not even the fat kid with BO. I’m the kid running alongside the bus yelling to get in. Yep, that’s how much of a loser I am. Even the bus driver is tormenting me for no good reason. I also happen to be brilliant, which only makes it worse in public high school. You know what, let’s just focus on the girl…

Field Trip:
Harry – You do have a best friend, you know.

Peter – Oh, yeah. You’re the son of wealthy industrialist Norman Osborn and you look like a young James Dean. You’re like, totally cool. How the heck did you end up my best friend?

Harry – I’m resentful at my father for trying to turn me into him even though I’m not as smart and not nearly as creepy, so I failed out of every private school and ended up here, where I’m choosing to be an outcast because it ticks my dad off and I still need help to pass science class, which is where you come in.

Norman – I also like Peter better than you because he’s so much smarter.

Harry – Yeah. That. Thanks Dad.

Peter – Well, at least I have a best friend, who will never betray me.

Harry – Right, and you’ll never betray me. Hey, is that Mary Jane, the girl you’ve had a crush on since you were old enough to like girls?

Peter – Yeah.

[[Harry walks over to MJ and starts smooth-talking her.]]

Peter – Hey, what about that whole never-betray-me thing? Harry? Aw, darn it. It’s just me and my camera again.

MJ – Hey, lab lady, one of your genetically engineered super-spiders is missing.

Lab lady – Oh. I’m sure there’s no cause to panic in any way. I’m sure someone is studying it and there are absolutely no protocols I need to put into place to contain a breach of the specimans as one might expect in a real lab. Everything will be just fine. Yep, just fine.

Spider – That’s what you think, lady. [[bites Peter]]

Peter – Ow! I wonder if I should tell anyone about that. Eh, I can’t prove it was the genetically engineered super spider. I’m sure it’ll be just fine.

The Parker Household:
Uncle Ben – With great power comes great responsibility.

Aunt May – I don’t see how that’s relevant, what with you just getting laid off with no prospects of a new job. At least our nephew Pete can be counted on. He’s such a good boy.

Peter – I feel awful; I’m going to just lie down here for a while… [[goes upstairs and passes out shirtless for some reason]]

Oscorp:
[[Norman and a hapless scientist lead some brass through the company’s DoD projects]]

Norman – So I’ve developed this body armor suit, this VTOL hover glider, and I’m working on super-soldier serum… sorry, super-human formula that gives test subjects super-strength and super-agility. Pretty keen, huh?

Top brass – RivalCorp has got a totally sweet exoskeleton suit we’re going to see. That Power Ranger suit sucks. So unless your super-human formula kicks ass, we’re dropping your contract. Savvy?

Norman – It’s just about ready.

Top brass – Hapless scientist, spare me the sales pitch and the science-speak.

Hapless scientist – It drives the test subjects crazy and kills them. We need to start over.

Top brass – That’s what I thought. Sucks to be you, Norman.

Norman – Sucks to be you, hapless scientist. You’re going to help me test this formula out on a human subject tonight.

Hapless scientist – That is so against my ethical code as a scientist. And besides, who would be crazy enough to subject themselves to this?

Norman – First of all, I sign your paychecks so you do what I tell you, got that?

Hapless scientist – That’s a good point.

Norman – Second, I’ll be the test subject. I’ll do anything to save my company, even if it is completely bonkers!

Hapless scientist – Could you just sign my paycheck before we do this?

[[The experiment goes on and goes, well, right? Wrong? The formula does exactly the hapless scientist says; Norman gets super-strong and agile but does go crazy and kills the scientist. Not exactly a ringing success.]]

The Parker Household:
Peter – Wow, I feel… better. Seriously better and whoa, I’m totally built? I don’t even need glasses! I mean, I’m no Flash Thompson but damn I am ripped. I seem to have increased agility too. Wow. Go genetically engineered spider bite. But I still missed the school bus! [[chases the bus]] Hm, I seem to be keeping up better but why did the banner stick to my hand like that?

School Cafeteria:
Peter – Oh, no, MJ is slipping [[catches her and her entire lunch]] Um, hi, MJ.

MJ – Peter? Nice catch. It’s like you have super reflexes.

Peter – Hur hur, girl…

MJ – Right, moving on.

Peter – And why is my fork sticking to my hand? What is going on here? Whoa, what is that weird patch on my hand? [[snags his own lunch tray with webbing and ends up flinging it at Flash Thompson, the local bully/jock, who takes that as well as bully/jocks generally do]]

Flash – Hey, nerdlinger, that wasn’t funny and now I’m going to pound you into the lockers.

Gawking crowd – Cool, go for it.

MJ and Harry – Don’t go for it!

Peter – Flash, I know we’ve had great times in the past when you kicked my ass because I’m a nerd and you’re a bully, but this is really, really a bad time.

[[Flash tries to punch Peter, whose reflexes are now clearly super-awesome and he takes down Flash with one punch]]

Peter – Man, that was totally cool…hey, MJ, Harry, what? What? Oh, man. I bet I’m in trouble.

[[Later Peter explores his new powers with all the restraint and good judgment expected of an eighteen year old kid]]

Peter – Woohoo!!!

The Parker Household:
[[Pete takes out the trash after being on the receiving of a sternly word note of disappointment from his uncle.]]

MJ – This scene is to establish that I have an abusive father and thus am doomed to make a bad series of relationship choices with men, and in no way foreshadow my almost-relationship with Peter.

Peter – This scene establishes that while I just discovered I have superpowers, I still can’t talk to a girl, who has both acknowledged my existence and in fact seems to kind of like me for an inexplicable reason.

MJ – Totally inexplicable. I mean, you’re not a total geek, and you’re nice, which is different from all the men in my life, but really, I could do better. Anyway, off to be a trophy girlfriend to that jerk Flash.

Peter – Let’s see. I have superpowers. The girl I love is not totally repulsed by my very existence as I assumed, because, let’s face it, everyone else seems to be. So, what can I do that will totally impress her? Get an awesome car of course! And I’ll earn the money by joining the seedy underworld of off-track wrestling, which I am sure to excel at with my superpowers.

The Car:
Uncle Ben – Pete, with great power comes great responsibility.

Peter – I fail to see how that’s relevant right now.

Uncle Ben – Trust me, these words will haunt you for the rest of your life.

Peter – Yeah, yeah, look, I’ve got a thing to do, okay?

[[Pete wins the match but the owner cheats him out of his winnings, so he plays the part of bystander when a robber takes the money instead]]

Peter – There’s karmic retribution for you, jerk.

The Street:
[[Peter pushes aside all the cops to find Uncle Ben dying from a gunshot wound]]

Uncle Ben – With great power comes great responsibility.

Peter – This still doesn’t seem relevant.

Uncle Ben – Sorry, that’s what I got. Remember these words. They will haunt you forever. [[dies]]

Peter – *crying* I’ll avenge you, Uncle Ben!

[[Peter chases the robber down only to find the man who held up the wrestling ring]]

Peter – What the hell? Karmic retribution? Because I let this guy go? Sure, I have superpowers, but I’m pretty sure I can still get shot. I had logical reasons for not engaging, even if that’s not why I didn’t. One mistake and my beloved uncle is dead and now I have to carry this guilt with me like a dead albatross for the rest of my life and be deprived of any chance for real happiness knowing my uncle’s blood is on my hands? And people wonder why I get so damn whiny. Well, at least I don’t have some sort of crazed lunatic with superpowers trying to ruin my life. Time to embark on a masked vigilante crime-fighting career to try to work off my guilt. As Uncle Ben said, “With great power comes great responsibility.” Wow, that’s suddenly relevant.

RivalCorp:
Top brass – So, let’s see this exo-skeleton that is sure to be so much better than Oscorp’s Power Ranger get-up.

Green Goblin – Power Ranger get-up? Wait until you get a load of this! [[proceeds to destroy RivalCorp and Top Brass and the entire testing facility]] Well, I’m sure you’d be more impressed if you weren’t all dead now. Eh, them’s the breaks.

Osborn Penthouse:
Harry – Hey, Dad, you passed out in your office again with no memory of the previous night.

Secretary – Sir, sir! The Top brass and members of RivalCorp have been killed! And their new technology was destroyed!

Norman – Uh, well that’s just weird, isn’t it?

Daily Bugle:
Peter – I need a job.

J. Jonah Jameson – You say that like I should care.

Peter – I have photos of Spider-man.

JJJ – Here’s your money, bring me more photos, get the hell out of my office while I proceed to devise ways to crush Spider-man’s reputation before it even gets off the ground. Man I love my job.

Peter – Man I hate my boss. At least I have some money. Ooo, I’ll go find MJ and buy her dinner!

MJ – Please don’t tell Harry I’m a waitress.

Peter – Why would he care? Unless you guys were dating or something. But he’d totally tell me, his best friend, whom he’s sharing an apartment with, if he was dating my long-time crush, right, right?

MJ – Um, yes? Anyway, I’m going to get accosted by muggers in the pouring rain.

[[Spider-man saves her]]

Spider-man – Do you know you’re totally soaked through, leaving nearly nothing to my already active imagination?

MJ – That was the point of the rain. I should thank you. [[kisses him]]

Spider-man – Woot! Harry betrayed me by dating my long time crush and didn’t tell me, but she kissed me! Woohoo!

Oscorp:
Board of Directors – Well, Norman, with the untimely destruction at RivalCorp, stocks are up for us, so hey, who says you can’t profit from tragedy. So we’re going to merge and make billions.

Norman – Sweet.

Board of Directors – But they won’t merge unless we boot you, which frankly we can’t disagree with because you’re kind of creepy and nearly destroyed the company with that super-human formula project that totally didn’t work. This won’t be a problem, will it?

Norman – Nope. I’ll “deal with it.”

World Peace Day:
Harry – I really hope Pete isn’t around to see how I betrayed him by dating his long-time crush and trying to hide that fact from him.

Peter – No, really, it’s fine…

MJ – So where’s your dad, Harry?

Green Goblin – Hello, Board of Directors. This is me dealing with it! [[unleashes hand grenades that look rather like pumpkins and general havoc ensues; he even manages to leer at MJ]] Man, this is too much fun!

Spider-man – Hey, Green Ranger, pick on someone your own size!

Green Goblin – Sure thing!

[[a fight ensues and Spider-man manages to save MJ but the Goblin gets away]]

MJ – You saved my life again. Which is cool, yet perhaps happening a little too often. But, still cool.

Osborn Penthouse:
Norman – Okay, yet again I wake up with no memory of what happened. Weird. And the Board of Directors has been murdered? I’m beginning to think this isn’t coincidence.

Green Goblin – Brilliant conclusion, Sherlock.

Norman – And now I appear to be talking to myself.

Green Goblin – Yep. I think you can add “multiple personality disorder” to the list of side-effects for your super-human formula. Unless you just want to put that under the umbrella of “goes crazy,” which, you know, totally works for me.

Norman – So I did all those awful things?

Green Goblin – Wow, for a brilliant scientist, you’re a bit slow on the uptake. But yeah, you totally did, and it was totally awesome, and you in no way looked like the Green Ranger. So here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to completely take over your personality, because let’s face it, you were kind of creepy and crazy to begin with, which is why no one will even notice. And I will continue to do awful things, and you will continue to profit by them.

Norman – Will you continue to have nothing but contempt and disappointment for Harry unless he also starts to show psychopathic tendencies?

Green Goblin – Absolutely.

Norman – Alright, sounds fair.

Green Goblin – Sweet. First we figure out what to do about Spider-man.

[[Goblin nabs Spider-man at the Daily Bugle]]

Green Goblin – Here’s the deal, kiddo. Join me and we rule this town. Or don’t, and eventually everyone will hate you, and I’ll just try to kill you anyway. What’d ya think?

Spider-man – With great power comes great responsibility.

Green Goblin – I don’t see how that’s relevant, but I’ll take it as a ‘no.’ Alrighty, you try being a hero and I’ll continue to blow stuff up and we’ll see which one of us is right.

Spider-man – Sounds fair.

The Parker/Osborn Apartment:
Harry – Hey, Pete, look, it turns out I betrayed you and have been secretly dating MJ behind your back. You’re not mad, are you?

Peter – No, it’s all fine… Look, I brought cranberries.

MJ – Harry, your father is leering at me…

Norman – Yeah, because you are totally hot.

MJ – Ewww.

Norman – Peter, you’re bleeding in a suspicious manner. [[puts two and two together]] Oh, well, look at the time. Places to go, people to murder, spiders to squash, lives to ruin…

Harry – Dad, you didn’t even stay for dinner.

Norman – I said I have things to do. Look, use the girl, ditch her, and move on. Okay?

Harry – I hate you! You’re ruining my life!

Norman – Score! I have other lives to ruin now.

MJ – You’re dad’s a jerk!

Harry – Yeah, well, but you can’t say that about him!

[[various people leave in a huff]]

Peter – Well, that was possibly the most awkward Thanksgiving dinner ever. At least things can’t get worse.

[[Green Goblin attacks Aunt May and puts her in the hospital]]

Peter – Well, I was wrong. Aunt May is in a coma and the Goblin knows who I am. It’s only a matter of time before someone else gets hurt. I wonder who it will be?

MJ – Pete, I broke up with Harry. I think I like you better.

Peter – That’s great, MJ, but don’t go spreading that around, okay?

Harry – Don’t worry, she won’t have to. I’m going to tell Dad you and MJ betrayed me by having feelings for each other behind my back.

Peter – You betrayed me first by making a move on my long time crush.

Harry – *Phbbt*

Aunt May – Anyway, it’s perfectly obvious to everyone except you Pete, that MJ’s fallen for you, for some inexplicable reason.

Peter – MJ! MJ! Don’t get captured by the psycho Goblin! MJ!

Green Goblin – Too late. Hey, Spider-man, meet me on the Brooklyn Bridge for a duel to the death. Yours, of course, not mine.

Brooklyn Bridge:
MJ – Dammit, why does this keep happening to me? This is the third time since graduation and no longer cool! Surely this will not keep happening to me, should I live through this.

Spider-man – Okay, Goblin, hand over the girl.

Green Goblin – How about no? Oh, and you’ll also need to save this cable car full of adorable children!

Adorable children – Save us Spider-man!

Spider-man – Oh, man, you’ve got to be kidding me! Children? Really, adorable children? That is so messed up. I mean, damn, you put helpless children in danger?

Green Goblin – Yeah, I know, I so rock. Fetch boy! [[drops both]]

[[Spider-man manages to save both at great cost to his rotator cuff, although MJ does remarkably well under the circumstances]]

Green Goblin – Oh, hell, no, you don’t get to save both! You ruined all my fun!

[[The fight commences with Spider-man generally getting his butt kicked until he quits trying not to hurt the Goblin]]

Green Goblin – Oh, ouch, ok, damn it, Peter, knock it off. [[takes off the mask]] It’s me, Peter. Mr. Osborn.

Spider-man – Oooohhh boy. This is a problem.

Green Goblin – You won’t tell Harry I’m all psycho and evil, right? Or that I’m the Green Goblin?

Spider-man – Um, look, this is pretty rough. What do you want me to do?

Green Goblin – Die! [[puts gilder in kill mode]]

[[Spider-man’s spider sense goes off and he reacts before thinking, which causes Green Goblin to end up impaled on his own glider]]

Green Goblin – Ah, f&#k, that didn’t work right. Don’t tell Harry, okay? [[dies]]

Spider-man – What in the hell am I supposed to tell Harry? I guess I won’t tell him anything and hope he doesn’t unfairly blame me for his father’s death and start down a dark path of obsession and revenge.

The Funeral:
Harry – *obsessing* I hate Spider-man and I’m going to kill him for killing my father. But, hey, at least I have my best friend in the entire world. I totally forgive you for that betraying me thing.

Peter – Yeah, awkward…

MJ – Peter, for some inexplicable reason, I love you. [[kisses him]]

Peter – Sorry, MJ, I’m really not the guy for you. Trust me on this one. (narrating) I told you my life sucked. I’m not such a loser, well, Spider-man isn’t a loser, but I’m still totally a loser. I’m not dating the girl of my dreams who is way too good for me, my best friend hates my alter ego and is clearly starting down a path of unhealthy obsession, Aunt May still has no money and now huge hospital bills, and I’m still working for the worst boss in the entire universe. I warned you at the start of the movie. And no, it won’t get better for me or anyone else in the sequel.

–fade-out–

 

Speaking of sequels, here are handy links to them – Spider-man 2 and Spider-man 3.  And if you like snarky summaries of pointless reboots, here’s a link to Amazing Spider-man.