Metaphorically speaking, anyway. I wrote how, after a long hiatus with comics, I got my hands on a copy of the Squirrel Girl Volume 1 tradeback (“Squirrel Power”) and how much I enjoyed it. So I decided to see what else was out there. In fact, I got so many tradebacks my friend D suggested I just get a subscription because it would be cheaper. I countered that a subscription would let Marvel Comics think I wanted to partake of all their offerings, whereas tradebacks show Marvel Comics what I actually want. Sure, it’s more expensive, but sometimes the extra expense is worth it. Anyway, I’m on a bit of a female superhero kick lately, so here’s what I decided to get:
As promised, this isn’t a parody of a song but a poem, one which almost no one seems to remember the actual title to. Anyway, it turns out this wasn’t easier but I hope it brings you a bit of enjoyment today.
Yay! Fox got it right!
1) Hyperbaric chambers are indestructible.
2) The fourth wall is overrated.
3) This is probably Stan Lee’s favorite cameo so far.
4) “Negasonic Teenage Warhead” is the coolest name ever.
5) Deadpool is a fool, a fool in love.
6) Wade Wilson does look good in red.
7) Ajax/Francis works for the most inefficient, financially wasteful, non-scientific evil R&D department ever. I mean, seriously, “We’ll inject you with drugs and torture you until something happens or you die?” What kind of scientific method or sound financial sense is that?
8) Deadpool is a fan of sappy ’80s power ballads.
9) Deadpool has seen Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.
10) I want to see “Deadpool 2: Cable and Deadpool” sooooo badly now.
Bonus round – Things I did Not Learn from Deadpool (Because I Already Knew That):
1) Deadpool is not a hero (I learned that from the comics).
2) Rated-R superhero movies can be successful (I learned that from Blade and Blade II).
3) Superhero movies can be fun and successful (I learned that from every single entry in the MCU because they all have a sense of fun which is most obvious in Guardians of the Galaxy).
4) Superweapons will always turn on their creator. Always. (I learned that from pretty much every type of media in the superhero genre).
Ambush Bug: Hello! I am your official DC Universe meta-observer, but my powers are such I can see other universes, like the Marvel Universe. And my debate partner for the evening is the official Marvel Universe meta-observer, Deadpool!
Ambush Bug: What are you doing? We have a thing to do.
Deadpool: Just finishing up my latest “Golden Girls” slash fic masterpiece. Oh, Blanche, you are soooo naughty.
Ambush Bug: Urg. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little at the thought.
Deadpool: Right, so why are we risking copyright violation again?
Ambush Bug: Well, the whole A vs X storyline we were brought in to comment on originally has finished up. At least the main storyline.
Deadpool: You mean in the May blog, “A Comic Book Entry – A vs X: A Meta-Perspective?”
Ambush Bug: Yes, and the blogger thanks you for plugging the full title.
Deadpool: Why doesn’t the pronoun-avoiding blogger give their own darn perspective on this and leave me to my fantasies… Oh, Blanche…
Ambush Bug: Urg. Well, the blogger figured that yet another sarcastic rant on this storyline might come across as whiny and unfunny for readers, so we’ve been brought on to deliver the essence of that same rant in a format that will hopefully be actually funny for readers, or at least more palatable.
Deadpool: So we’re doing the blogger’s dirty work? Well, I can get behind that. It’s kind of what I do. If by ‘dirty work’ you mean killing people. That’s what you mean, right?
Ambush Bug: No! I mean making snarky remarks.
Deadpool: That’s the other thing I do! Usually while killing people!
Ambush Bug: Wade, focus.
Deadpool: Right Bug! We’re going to deliver bad news in a good way.
Ambush Bug: Yes, exactly. You’re referencing Mel Brooks again, aren’t you?
Deadpool: The guy said, “Tragedy is when I cut my finger; comedy is when you fall into a sewer and die.” What’s not to love?
Ambush Bug: Fair point. So, let’s deliver bad news in a good way.
Deadpool: You go first.
Ambush Bug: You have no idea how the storyline ended, do you?
Deadpool: Not a clue. Didn’t really concern me, you know.
Deadpool: Or you could tell me.
Ambush Bug: I will explain. No, that will take too long; I will sum up.
Deadpool: Happy belated birthday, The Princess Bride!
Ambush Bug: The Avengers tried to kill the force of life in the universe which didn’t work…
Deadpool: Well, that’s a shocking revelation. Life is hard to kill. Who knew? Also, Death is like totally hot.
Ambush Bug: …and it possessed the nearest five X-men…
Deadpool: Does that include Namor? When did he turn into a mutant? He’s a freak in a bikini but that doesn’t mean he was always a mutant. I mean, if he’s a mutant why can’t I be a mutant? I’ve already got an X costume and it’s way better than his stupid bikini.
Ambush Bug: Wade, this isn’t about you.
Deadpool: Fine. Oh, and did Emma Frost start taking over people’s minds and stuff?
Ambush Bug: That’s really beside the main plot, but yes, why?
Ambush Bug: Um, she’s a hero.
Deadpool: Riiiight. And I’m an Avenger.
Ambush Bug: Anyway, as I was saying, the Phoenix possessed the nearest five X-men who the Avengers picked off one by one consolidating the Phoenix Force in Cyclops who turned into Dark Phoenix and was ultimately stopped by the combination of the Scarlet Witch and Hope Summers, who ended up temporarily possessed by Phoenix, who basically wished the Phoenix away but not before Hope restored the mutant population.
Deadpool: They just wished away the Phoenix? Like, “I wish you’d go away now?”
Ambush Bug: Well, there was more to it, but yeah, basically that.
Deadpool: That seems kind of lame.
Ambush Bug: Agreed.
Deadpool: Hey, wait a minute. They undid that whole “House of M” no more mutants thing?
Ambush Bug: Yep.
Deadpool: Do you know what that means?!
Ambush Bug: I find myself curiously reluctant to say no, but no.
Deadpool: I called it! I called it! I called it! I called it!
Ambush Bug: Um, what?
Deadpool: Back in our original blog entry. Look it up! I called it I called it! Go me! I’m awesome!
Ambush Bug: That is a really disturbing victory dance.
Deadpool: Thanks! I called it I called it!
Ambush Bug: Ok, I just re-read that entry but technically I called the ending. I said it was just going to be an out for the no more mutants thing. You agreed, but I called it.
Deadpool: …We called it! We called it! We’re awesome! The story was lame!
Ambush Bug: Ok, fine, we’ll go from there. So, yes, way back in May when this storyline started I predicted and Wade agreed this was nothing more than a negation of the “House of M” storyline that reduced the mutant population to less than 200 and that by the end of the story the mutant population would be restored, and it was. Here’s the question – was this storyline specifically written to negate that, or was it really the result of “wouldn’t it be cool if the Avengers and X-men fought?”
Deadpool: Clearly because it would be cool. Especially when good guys fight and Wolverine gets hit in the face a lot!
Ambush Bug: Wolverine didn’t get hit in the face a lot.
Deadpool: Well that’s lame. But good guys got punched and that’s fun too.
Ambush Bug: And I argue it was a plot to negate the no more mutants sticking point when it became clear that wasn’t working out.
Deadpool: Wouldn’t it be cool!
Ambush Bug: Plot negation!
Deadpool: Wouldn’t it be cool!
Ambush Bug: Plot negation!
Deadpool: Tastes great!
Ambush Bug: Er, what?
Deadpool: Now you say, ‘Less filling!’
Ambush Bug: …No one is going to get that reference.
Squirrel Girl: Gentleman, and I use that term loosely with Wade here, may I interject?
Deadpool: No you may not!
Ambush Bug: Please, be our guest.
Deadpool: Aren’t you babysitting a baby Avenger or something?
Squirrel Girl: While my current incarnation is not nearly as much fun or meta-aware as previous incarnations, it does not prevent me from being fun and meta-aware in other venues. So, in short, shut up!
Ambush Bug: Please, what’s your theory?
Squirrel Girl: Hope Summers was a ringer to negate the no more mutants condition from the moment she was introduced at the end of the fall-out of the very storyline that created the no more mutants condition.
Ambush Bug: That’s astoundingly cynical.
Deadpool: And crazy.
Squirrel Girl: Hear me out. Hope Summers was introduced as the first mutant born after the House of M. Her powers have always been ill-defined although if she is truly a Summers, her potential is off the power scale. Unlike previous storylines that state all Summers’ will be power batteries, she seems to be a power imitator and what’s more can active latent mutations in others. So, her power is to essentially undo the no more mutants thing one mutant at a time.
Ambush Bug: Yes, but that doesn’t mean she was always going to negate the whole storyline.
Squirrel Girl: No, not necessarily. But because her powers were never very well defined, and because she was a Summers, that possibility was always there.
Deadpool: Oh, the Claremont Clause. Always leave dangling plot threads in case you need them to re-write the universe. So you’re saying cool didn’t come into it?
Squirrel Girl: Oh, no, I think “wouldn’t it be cool if” is how the Phoenix aspect got involved. Considering the Scarlet Witch re-wrote reality on her own during the House of M, they didn’t need the Phoenix to give her and Hope a power boost to do the same. Using the Phoenix also goes against almost all the existing of the history, especially considering Rachel Grey/Summers was on the X-men the whole damn time, so why else would they bring in the Phoenix except they thought it was cool to do another quasi-Phoenix and Dark Phoenix Saga?
Ambush Bug: And the whole bit with Kun’lun and the ancient Phoenix?
Squirrel Girl: Kung fu is cool? They wanted to make Iron Fist seem more relevant? I really don’t have an answer to that.
Ambush Bug: That’s fair.
Deadpool: I really hate to admit it, but she makes a good point. A really, really cynical point.
Squirrel Girl: Right. It means that nothing we do ever really matters because the minute the world-shattering plot touted as “changing everything” becomes narratively inconvenient, the creative team just negates the plot or retcons it.
Ambush Bug: Or reboots the whole universe.
Deadpool: That seems like overkill. And usually I’m a big fan of overkill. Ask anyone!
Squirrel Girl: Yeah, I’ve been meaning to ask you about those reboots. Why do they keep bringing up events that aren’t supposed to have happened? Do you even exist anymore?
Deadpool: I had a thought…
Ambush Bug: DC’s idea of a reboot is for another rant. This seems like kind of a downer way to end the blog. It’s all so cynical.
Deadpool: So here’s my thought… If nothing ever changes, ever, doesn’t that mean I can do anything I want with no consequences?
Squirrel Girl: NO!
Ambush Bug: NO!
Deadpool: Aw, yeah, this is going to be awesome! Laters!
Ambush Bug: You should go stop him or something.
Squirrel Girl: Hey, what about you?
Ambush Bug: Um, not my universe.
Squirrel Girl: Typical. Tippy Toe, Monkey Joe, let’s go stop Wade.
Tippy Toe: Squeak squeak squeaker squeaken.
Squirrel Girl: You’re right. We’ll take his guitar hostage first. So I guess that wraps up this blog. Later, all!
I am all for a “Deadpool” movie. However, I know what I want to see, and I know I’m unlikely to get it. Still, a blogger and comic book fan can dream.
With any comic book movie, there is always the question of which character to pick. I don’t mean in the sense of, “Do I make a movie with Batman/Wolverine or who cares all movies should be about Batman/Wolverine?” I mean, which Batman/Wolverine. I came across a poster someone had made featuring all nine classic Dungeons & Dragons alignments. The person found an example of Batman (with a quote) that fit all nine alignments. That’s the dilemma about picking out which character. Adam West’s “Batman” was faithful to the comics. So was Chris Nolan’s. A character changes by the whim of the writers and occasionally executive meddling from editors. This means there is a high likelihood some part of the fan base will be annoyed because their version of the character will be ignored, but that’s just how it goes.
So where does this leave us with Deadpool? Well, way back in the beginning, Deadpool was just a blatant rip-off of Wilson Slade, i.e. Deathstroke the Terminator (i.e., the creepy villain stalking the Teen Titans). He was just a mercenary and more of a plot point than a character. Currently (if Wikipedia is to be believed), Deadpool is now just Wade Wilson, completely cured of his cancer, immortality, powers, and ugliness. I am certain this will not last. Then there’s the Deadpool as introduced in the “Wolverine” movie. Ryan Reynolds (who has a classically Stan Lee alliterated name which is a good start) did a good job in his brief scenes where he spoke as Wade Wilson. The thing the movie tried to pass of as Deadpool in the end, however, was from left field. I do not want to see a movie with Baraka-pool. What I want, and I think most people would agree with me, is the most popular Deadpool – a completely amoral mercenary with a twisted sense of humor, cancer/outrageous healing factor (although I’m sure Deadpool would prefer to have a movie where he looks like Ryan Reynolds), an odd (to say the least) heterosexual life partner relationship with the time-traveling sometimes savior of mutantkind Cable, a complete disregard for the fourth wall, and hobbies that include playing a guitar named Lucille, tormenting Bob – Agent of HYDRA, and writing “Golden Girls” slash fiction. I am not making any of that up.
As I stated, I do not want a movie with Baraka-pool. More specifically, I do not want to see yet another generic ultra-violent (but bloodless) action-thriller with no plot except what is required to get to the next fight sequence. Frankly, it doesn’t matter if the movie uses Baraka-pool or not if it is just another generic action-thriller. Deadpool has character and I would be sad to see his character stripped down to nothing but a generic vehicle to make some fast cash *cough*AmazingSpider-man*cough*. Of course, Deadpool’s character does present an obstacle to making a proper Deadpool movie. It’s really hard to make a movie (or even a TV show) that features meta-humor such as breaking the fourth wall or genre savviness. It can be done (“Darkwing Duck“) and doesn’t even have to be animated (“Saved by the Bell“). But this is really hard to sustain for a feature-length movie. Galaxy Quest was all genre savvy, and oddly George of the Jungle had a lot of breaking the fourth wall. The best example of breaking the fourth wall is The Emperor’s New Groove. If you haven’t seen it, you should. Right now. Go on, I’ll wait. If you’re thinking, “But it’s a Disney movie,” I can assure you this is no more a typical Disney movie than, well, I am a typical Disney movie. It started life as a typical Disney movie, then languished in development hell for quite some time, and somehow ended up absolutely brilliant and more akin to a Looney Tunes cartoon than pretty much anything else Disney has ever produced (not counting the inevitable and not nearly as good sequel).
In short, the ideal Deadpool movie would be a combination of The Emperor’s New Groove and any one of the “Bourne” movies or “Mission Impossible” movies or really any action movie centered around a single person (but with a steady camera damn it!). I’ll give you a moment to process that: Disney + Action Movie (maybe that equals a Looney Tunes cartoon; okay, think live action Looney Tunes with guns and swords!). I want a Deadpool that will totally kick the ass of everyone near him, then pause the movie for a moment to deliver a witty remark to the audience, or even better, think he’s pausing the movie to deliver a witty remark to the audience and have the other characters treat him as though he’s crazy (this is how he’s viewed in the comics; I would argue that he’s not crazy per se, but actually has a heightened awareness of reality). I don’t even really care if the plot makes sense (it probably won’t, but that’s par for the course for Deadpool) as long as the character is intact. And hey, if Bryan Singer is seriously considering using time-travel to reboot the X-men into the new movie Marvel-verse, it would be a good place to introduce Cable.