A Movie Entry – Coming Distractions 2017

I don’t go to see movies very often, but I am subjected to numerous trailers. So this entry is about movies that in theory I should be excited to see but can only muster a disinterested, “Meh,” at best.

Pirates of the Caribbean 5: I Can’t Even be Bothered to Look up the Subtitle –
The first movie was awesome and a surprise break-out hit. The second two were god-awful depressing and mean-spirited. The fourth was “Meh.” I enjoyed some of the individual character arcs through the franchise (Barbosa, Gibbs, and the two idiot pirates and their Naval counterparts), but I am glad I skipped all the sequels during their theater run. This time I’m not sure I’ll even see this when it’s released on one of my various streaming services.

Hugh Jackman’s Contractually Obligated Last Wolverine Movie (Logan) –
I am so over Fox’s attempts to franchise the X-men and everyone’s favorite mutant Canadian (played by an Australian). While the idea of Old Man Logan finally being shown in the reluctant father/mentor role he ended up in the comics over and over (for some reason; this guy is not a good role model) and to his female clone Laura/X-23 no less is actually intriguing to me, I have significant reservations. No, the R-rating doesn’t help. The previous movies weren’t bad because no one actually got to see intestines when Wolverine stabbed someone in the gut. So, anyway, one, what the hell timeline is this? Two, should I even care? I get the feeling this is a ploy to introduce X-23 into the mainstream X-men movie franchise as the new Wolverine, but I’m not sure that’s enough to rekindle my interest. I’ll check out the reviews and maybe catch it on my streaming service of choice.

Beauty and the Beast (live action) –
I’ve already gone on about Disney “adapting” its animated classics into live-action versions. Now, if some of the issues in the original animated stories were fixed in the live-action versions, maybe I could see the point. But Cinderella only removed the mice’s ability to speak instead of removing the whole stupid part with the mice in the first place. For Beauty and the Beast, I was always a bit annoyed about the prince’s age (of course an 11-year old prince is going to be a jerk) and unclear on how long Belle actually spent at the Beast’s castle. So maybe if these things were resolved, it might be worth the remake. But from the trailers this appears to be just a beat-by-beat re-shoot of the original with Belle being the only character who isn’t partially or wholly a CGI. Yay.

Justice League
Because based on the roaring success that was BvS, WB/DC decided to rush this one to completion and release it in November, which is generally reserved for second tier movies that should do well but won’t be tent pole blockbusters. I guess Thor 3 will dominate and JL may possibly have a chance to over-take on its opening weekend, but I suspect it won’t have staying power. I haven’t enjoyed WB/DC’s most recent take on their most prominent superheroes, and I’m not wasting my money to see this.

Also, who the hell asked for these movies? –
Transformer 5, Smurfs 3, Blade Runner 2049, a remake of Jumanji, The Nut Job 2 (I didn’t even know the original existed until I saw trailers for this sequel), and The Emoji Movie. Why are these even things? Why why why? Okay, I know why Transformers 5 is coming out, and it’s not for domestic audiences. But the others? Stop seeing bad movies, bad sequels, and remakes, people, or the studios will never stop churning them out. Or, at least, I hope studios will stop churning them out. One never knows…

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S. J. Drew is an aspiring writer who finally entered the blogosphere to shamelessly promote that writing (as evidenced by the title of the blog). Whether or not this works remains to be seen, but S. J. hopes you are at least entertained. And if you're actually reading this, that's probably a good sign.

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