or, “Soooo, DC/WB doesn’t like money, I guess?”
or, “Soooo, DC/WB really hates Superman.”
or, “Soooo, DC/WB really hates Batman.”
or, “What A Long, Contrived Trip it’s Been.”
Gotham City (Flashback):
[[The movie starts with what is apparently the obligatory start for any movie with Batman in it – the death of the Waynes which is pointless except to remind the audience Mrs. Wayne’s first name is Martha]]
[[And then the movie jumps to the end of Man of Steel only this time from Bruce Wayne’s perspective]]
Bruce Wayne (cell phone) – You’ve got to evacuate! Those crazy aliens are going to bring the city down!
Elderly Wayne Enterprises Employee – I wondered what was making all that commotion outside. I’m glad you called to tell me and I’ll get out in just a minute.
[[No, no he does not as Superman and Zod wipe out the WE Metropolis branch office]]
Bruce – Noooo! [[Runs into the debris cloud to be useful]] Why is there a horse here? Oh, hey, small child, where are your parents?
Small Child – I shall answer by pointing silently and dramatically to the wreckage of the building that totally by coincidence has two beams forming a cross.
Bruce – And my overwrought facial expression will convey to the audience I have just sworn bloody vengeance on Superman!
Random Hostile Middle Eastern Country:
[[And Lois Lane is doing what she does best, which is to take insanely high risks for a story and of course the situation goes pear-shaped almost immediately]]
Terrorist – This photographer is actually a spy. The photographer must die!
Photographer – Dude, I have a name…
Terrorist – Don’t know don’t care. [[Kills him]] So I guess we kill you now, too, lady.
Supes – I don’t think so. [[Slams terrorist through a brick wall that the total ordinary human undoubtedly walked away from just fine…]]
Metropolis, Lois and Clark’s Pad:
Clark – What’s wrong, Lois?
Lois – Why am I here? What’s going on? Is this good or bad?
Clark – You mean, what’s going on in the world and is my trying to help people really a good thing in the grand scheme of things?
Lois – Actually, I meant why am I in this movie, and more specifically, why is this scene shot with me in a bathtub?
Clark – Because you’re my designated love interest, and so a quick cut can imply we’re about to have sexy fun times in the bathtub.
Lois – So I’m pointless filler?
Clark – Hey, don’t feel so bad. I’m kind of pointless filler and my name’s in the movie title.
“Lex Luthor” – Hey, what’s with the quotes? I’m totally Lex Luthor. That’s what the IMDb page says.
Lame Luthor – Fine, fine, keep the quotes.
“Lex” – Hey, Senator Finch! What is up?
Senator Finch – You asked me to come by. You said it was important.
“Lex” – Oh, yeah, I want your permission to get a big chunk of kryptonite, which I have determined can kill Kryptonians, so I can build a weapon to kill Superman. I figured since you’re leading the charge on declaring him a menace to society, you’d be willing to put your signature on the paperwork.
Finch – I want to hold him accountable for the collateral damage he caused, not kill him!
“Lex” – *blink* *blink blink* I don’t see the difference.
Finch – We’re done here. [[leaves]]
“Lex” – Well, it’s a good thing I have another government agent in my back pocket who can get me that kryptonite. Who’s been a good agent? It’s you! It’s you! You can haz candy!
Nameless Government Agent – What is wrong with you?
“Lex” – Aw, did the little agent get his fee-fees hurt? Next time I’ll get you grape flavor.
Gotham City, Wayne Manor, Batcave:
Alfred Pennyworth – As the designated voice of reason, I must ask you why you think that branding criminals who apparently then get murdered in prison and planning to kill someone you don’t know and have no intention of even talking to advances your cause of justice and also of not being a murderer?
Alfred – … I see. What are you going to do about the anonymous news articles being sent to you that seem to be feeding your unreasonable hatred of Superman?
Bruce – Um, nothing. What I am, a great detective of something?
Metropolis, Daily Planet:
Clark – Hey, Chief, someone’s been sending me news clippings from Gotham City’s paper about the Batman branding criminals which apparently results in them being killed in prison. I think I should follow up on that. The Batman thing, not the person who’s sending these because surely that’s not important.
Perry White – Why do we care what happens in Gotham City? We’re like Boston, that’s like New York.
Clark – Actually, apparently Gotham City is just across the river so we’re more like Minneapolis and St. Paul, so we really should care.
Perry – Nope, I’m making you cover sports instead.
Lois – Hey, Perry, I’m going to follow up on the advanced weaponry lead from the terrorist incident which has no bearing to the plot but at least makes it seem like I’m contributing something to the story.
Perry – Have fun!
Clark – Oh, come on! Lois gets to go out on her own stories all the time!
Perry – Yeah, she’s a Pulitzer Prize winning reporter, and you’re some guy I hired two years ago as a favor to Lois. Now go cover that football game!
Metropolis, Lexcorp Facility, Swanky Party or Something:
Clark – Hey, who’s that guy everyone’s crowding around?
Random Guy – You don’t know? I thought you were trying to get a Gotham beat. That’s Bruce Wayne, who’s like super famous for owning a big tech company and giving lots of money to charity.
Clark – I don’t like him, but I’ll ask him pointed questions about Batman anyway. Hey, Mr. Wayne, what’s up with that Batman guy that I seem to be associating you with even though there is no reason for me to do so?
Bruce – Who the hell are you?
“Lex” – Oooohhh, Bruce Wayne and Clark Kent meeting at last. It’s obvious I mean this is a significant event, but thus far have been shown no reason to think so. Anyway, have fun and don’t fight! [[leaves]]
Bruce/Clark – What is wrong with him?
Bruce – Batman’s fine. What about that alien you’ve got that smashes everything and kills people that I seem to be associating you with even though there is no reason for me to do so?
Clark – You know what, you go your way and I’ll go my way, okay?
Bruce – Fine my me. [[disappears into the crowd and starts talking on a hidden bat-radio]] So Alfred, I know somehow Lex has access to kryptonite, so tell me how to get to his server so I can hack it.
Clark – [[overhears low-volume conversation and radio transmission in the crowded, noisy room]] Well, that’s suspicious. I should follow him. [[but Plot Convenience News puts out a bulletin on a disaster-in-progress]] Dang it. I’ll follow up later. Time to go save the day. [[leaves]]
Bruce – Time to go illegally hack that server. [[This does not go as planned]] Hey, you beautiful and mysterious woman! I think you took something that belongs to me.
Mystery Woman – Finders keepers. I’m interested in Lex’s files too for my own reasons. Maybe I’ll return it to you when I’m done.
Metropolis, “Lex” Luthor’s Lair of Luxury and/or Lunacy:
Finch – You asked me to come by. You said it was important.
“Lex” – So you’re heading up the anti-Superman hearings…
Finch – That’s not really the point…
“Lex” – Anyhoo, I just wanted to let you know that because I like you, or something, you still have a chance to get on board the “kill Superman with extreme prejudice” train. But if you don’t get on board, well, I’m just going to have to run you over.
Finch – What is wrong with you?
“Lex” Like many things in this film, that will never be explained.
Finch – So, even though you’ve objectively saved many lives, we’re going spend the next few hours grilling you about murdering a bunch of people with guns.
Supes – Wait, wait, you’re putting me on trial for killing people with guns? Not that I want to kill people, but why would I use guns?
Finch – I have a very good reason that I’m going to explain right now…
[[And then a bomb Superman did not see or hear, explodes and destroys the Capitol]]
Supes – I feel like I really should have seen or heard something. Dang it.
Gotham City, Wayne Manor:
[[Bruce is have a fever nightmare about a post-Apokalip-tic world in which he wears a trenchcoat over his costume and punches out soldiers and bug-men that the casual audience will certainly not recognize and culminates with an evil Superman presumably ripping out Batman’s heart]]
Bruce – *wakes up* What in the hell was that?
[[Then a hole in space-time (probably) opens up in front of him and a mysterious man wearing some kind of dark red armor reaches through]]
Bruce – What the hell are you?
Mystery Man – Sequel bait and pointless filler, Bruce, sequel bait and pointless filler.
[[And then it all disappears leaving a bewildered and subtly older Bruce Wayne]]
Bruce – *wakes up* What in the hell was that? Again? Clearly that means I must kill Superman and to do that, I have to get my hands on that Kryptonite by any means necessary. If I only had access to Lex’s files!
Alfred – The mystery woman returned your hacking device. Apparently she can’t break the encryption.
[[A bunch of heavily-armed men are overseeing the transport of the kryptonite from the ship to its destination at a research facility]]
Bats – I could sneak up on them, take them out one by one without any loss of life, or I could murder the hell out of them with my Batmobile. Yeah, that sounds better!
[[Proceeds to attempt to murder the hell out of the armed men; he kills a lot of them and disrupts the transfer until Superman finally shows up; Batman crashes the car against him and bounces off into a convenient fuel depot]]
Bats – Oh, my head…what hit me…
Supes – I don’t like vigilantes who attack and undoubtedly killed a bunch of people with his car.
Bats – Well I don’t like alien invaders who smash up cities and don’t care who dies.
Supes – My regrettable lack of control resulting in collateral damage is in no way the moral equivalent of you murdering the hell out of people!
Bats – I’m going to kill you!
Supes – Oh, yeah, there’s that moral high ground again. Anyway, what do you think you can against me? I just wrecked your car by standing still!
Bats – Um, I’m the goddamned Batman!
Supes – We’re done here. [[flies away]]
Lexcorp R&D Facility:
“Lex” – What the hell happened here?
Security Guy – The kryptonite was stolen by Batman, who apparently maimed or murdered several security guards who were just doing their job and not criminal in any way.
“Lex” – Wow, quick detective work! How did you know that?
Security Guy – He left a bat-shaped shuriken in the glass case.
“Lex” – That is a serious dick move. Well, hell, there’s more than one way to kill an alien.
Security Guy – What is wrong with you?
Wreckage of Zod’s Ship:
“Lex” – Huh, there’s more water in here than I thought. Okay, ship, reveal all your secrets to me!
Ship – You do not have authorization.
“Lex” – But all the Kryptonians are dead and I want access to all those secrets!
Ship – Access granted.
“Lex” – Sweet! I thought that would be more difficult. So do you have any information on, oh, say, advanced genetic engineering?
Ship – That information is forbidden.
“Lex” – But you do have it.
Ship – Yes.
“Lex” – Huh. That kinds of begs the question why you’re equipped with forbidden information, but I really don’t care about ‘why.’ Tell me everything.
Bruce – Alright, I’ve got my kryptonite and now it’s time for an A-team montage combined with a Rocky montage. Yeah!
Alfred – Why is this happening?
Bruce – To show that unlike the alien, I have to put in hard work and effort to obtain my fabulous muscular physique.
Alfred – Really? I thought this was more pointless filler.
Mystery Woman’s Apartment:
Mystery Woman – No, this scene with me as I review Lex’s files is pointless filler. And also apparently sequel bait.
Metropolis, Lexcorp, Rooftop:
“Lex” – Okay, it’s almost time for my ill-defined plans to come to fruition. I just need to fling Lois off the roof to bait Superman.
Lois – What is wrong with you?
[[“Lex” chucks her off the roof and sure enough, she’s caught and taken to safety by Superman, who then goes to the roof to give “Lex” a very stern talking-to, probably]]
Supes – Okay, enough of this…
“Lex” – You go fight Batman to the death or I have your mom killed. See, I brought pictures!
Supers- Why do you want me to fight Batman? He hasn’t done anything to you. I haven’t either, for that matter.
“Lex” – Reasons. Anyway, better hurry or those guys will set your mom on fire.
Supes – What is wrong with you?
“Lex” – Hey, you’re the one that agrees to do as I say instead of taking the time to try to find your mom. Hell, you know when Lois is in danger half-way around the world.
Supes – My damsel in distress radar is very specific, okay?
Gotham City, Bad Part of Downtown:
Bats – I know Superman is on his way, for reasons.
Supes – Okay, I don’t like you, you don’t like me, but there’s something I have to say…
Bats – No talking! Time to kill you! [[attacks Superman with a variety of lethal gadgets (to a mere mortal anyway) he should have heard operating but can’t hurt him anyway]]
Supes – I can just stand here until you run out of bullets and gadgets or whatever.
Batman – You won’t because the last film established you have anger issues!
Supes – Oh, yeah, right, I fly off the handle because someone ticks me off. Of course, I should still just use my heat vision to get rid of this guns, but I won’t, for reasons. Fine, two can play the “murderous rage” game, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to win. [[punches Batman who is knocked a significant distance away]]
Bats – No you won’t!
Supes – Um, yeah, I will. Really, this is no contest.
Bats – Yeah, but I have kryptonite weapons, you’re a gullible idiot in combat, and most importantly, I’m the goddamned Batman!
[[Thus commences the beatdown which culminates in, I kid you not, Batman hitting Superman over the head with a bathroom sink; this wasn’t funny with a toilet and it’s not funny now]]
Bats – And now I’ll murderstab you right through the heart with my kryptonite spear!
Supes – Save Martha!
Bats – Martha? Like, my mom, Martha? Because she’s dead. It was in the first scene.
Lois – No, Martha is his mother! Lex has her hidden somewhere and is threatening to have her killed!
Bats – Our moms have the same name? Okay, man, you’re cool in my book.
Supes – … What, just like that?
Bats – Yeah, bro, we’re good. In fact, I’ll go save your mom while you put the hurt on Lex. Deal?
Supes – So even though I have no reason to trust you because you were just trying to murderstab me, and I have no idea how you’ll find my mom in just a few minutes when I can’t despite my super-senses, I’ll agree to this course of action. Laters!
[[Superman flies off, Batman heads off because he can find Martha Kent because he’s the goddamned Batman, and Lois decides to be super-useful and drop the kryptonite spear down a well or something]]
Wreckage of Zod’s Ship:
Supes – It’s over, Lex.
“Lex” – How did you know I was here instead of still at Lexcorp?
Supes – Reasons. Anyway, your plan failed. I’m still alive and so is Batman!
“Lex” – That’s okay because I created a giant monster to kill you anyway! It’s your Doomsday! Get it? Get it?
Supes – Casual audiences are only going to be confused by this undeveloped reveal. Also he looks like a bargain-basement cave troll.
“Lex” – Whatever. Fight!
[[So Superman starts fighting “Doomsday” and this time learning from his mistakes attempts to lead the monster away from civilians and eventually punches him into space!]]
Random Airman – Superman appears to have control of the situation and is actively attempting to minimize civilian casualties. Orders, sir?
Random General – Nuke them both. It’s the only way to be sure.
Random Airman – Wait, what? Okay, but this seems ill-advised…
[[So Superman and “Doomsday” are both hit with a nuke which results in “Doomsday” plummeting back towards Earth while Superman floats looking like a desiccated husk until the sunlight restores him and any Jesus imagery there is purely your imagination]]
Bats – What are the odds that thing would fall practically onto Gotham City? Well, better lead it to the abandoned docks so the fight won’t harm civilians.
[[The fight goes badly]]
Supes – Any bright ideas? A nuke didn’t kill him, so I don’t know what’s left.
Bats – The kryptonite spear, obviously! We’ll lead him back to downtown so I can get it back!
Supes – I thought you were trying to keep civilians safe.
Bats – It’s fine. No one’s in downtown after 5:00 PM anyway.
Supes – That doesn’t sound right, but I’ll go along with this.
[[They head downtown, and Lois, without any prompting or even knowledge of what the hell is going on, decides she’d better retrieve that spear she threw down a well or something; predictably, she ends up in life-threatening danger]]
Bats – Hey, super-buddy, do you think this guy has heat vision like you do?
[[“Doomsday’s” eyes and mouth glow ominously]]
Bats – This is going to hurt.
[[But the disintegration of Batman is interrupted by the appearance of the mysterious and beautiful woman, who is now in vaguely greek-ish armor with vambraces that block the heat vision]]
Supes – That was super-cool and all, but who invited you to the party?
Bats – Hey, not me. I’m a loner.
Mystery Woman – Quit your bickering and let’s team up and destroy this thing! [[pulls out a short sword and shield and attacks the hell out of “Doomsday”]]
Supes – Wow, she’s like a wonder or something! Oh, hey, my damsel in distress sense tells me Lois is just about to die. Help the wonder woman while I go save my girlfriend, okay?
Bats – No problem! I’m the goddamned Batman!
[[Superman saves Lois in the nick of time and retrieves the spear]]
Supes – I’ve got to sacrifice myself stupidly to kill that monster.
Lois – No, Clark, please don’t.
Supes – My farm dad would have wanted it this way. I love you.
Lois – I love you too.
Bats – Ugh. This poor excuse for a romance is just pointless filler. You want to do this thing or not?
[[So Superman grabs the spear and charges straight at “Doomsday” who returns the favor by stabbing Superman right through the heart and any Jesus imagery that occurs at this point is purely your imagination]]
Ghost of Pa Kent – That’s my boy.
[[And there’s a hero’s funeral for Superman, a quiet funeral for Clark Kent where Lois finds out Clark was going to propose to her but no one cares]]
Bruce – Hey, Mystery Lady.
Mystery Lady – So that went well.
Bruce – Yeah, I know? Superman is dead, “Lex” is babbling about some greater evil coming, I’ve been having weird dreams… It’s a mess.
Mystery Lady – Actually I was referring to my small role. I’m the best part of this movie.
Bruce – Yeah, well, we’ll have a sequel to screw all that up.
[[And there’s a credit teaser showing the dirt rising from Clark’s grave as a sign that Superman isn’t going to stay dead because the film makers think the audience is stupid and might actually think Superman is dead for realzies, or because the film makers don’t understand the first thing about dramatic tension or emotional stakes; either is equally likely]]